01x16 - Episode 16

[bunniefuu]

Uh, how the hell
did this happen?

How the hell
did this happen, huh?

I'm on the fast track.

I got a harvard mba.

Junior partner at .

I do everything right.

How did this happen?

Mr. Nolan said,

"Tom, your ends were great.
Keep it up."

I kept it up.

How the hell did this happen?

This is really bad.

This is really bad.

Kathie, you there?
Yeah.

Oh, god.
Wednesday, huh?

Oh, yeah.
I hate them.

Oh, I loathe them.

Oh, god, wednesdays.
I hate wednesday.

You know what part I hate
the most? : To : p.m.

Oh, I know that's when
I'm going to die.

I just know it.
It's the worst.

Back to
that four-letter word...

Both: work!

Hi.
Hi.

Hi, new guy.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

It's, uh --
it's howard, actually.

Howard!
Hi, howard.

Hi. Hi.
Hi.

Hi.
Hi.

Howard.

Hi, howard.
I'm cathy.

Oh.
And I'm kathie.

Oh, well, I'll try
to remember that,

Although I'm not really
very good with names.

[ Laughs ]
[ typewriter clicking ]

[ Laughs nervously ]
well, um, welcome abloard.

Talk much, kathie?

Um...i mean,
welcome aboard.

Yeah,
welcome aboard.

Well, thanks very much.
See you later.

Bye-bye!

Both: is he?

I don't know.
I don't know.

I don't know, either.

Well, he's been here
three hours,

And he hasn't mentioned
a girlfriend yet.

Well, I have my suspicions,
but you know me.

I suspect most men
until they prove it to me.

[ Laughs ]

I can't believe
you said that.

Well, I suspect some
even after.

[ Laughs ]
or during.

Kathie!

Kathie lassiter,
I can't believe you.

It's not even friday.

I'm so full
of beans today.

Oh, yeah.

Jeez.

I don't think he is, but then
again, I don't know any.

Oh, come on.
You don't know any?

No.
You've never known one?

There was one guy in high school
who I thought was,

But it turned out
he was just a genius.

It's always the way.

There's grayson
in the mail room.

But that's old news.
Everyone knows that.

Oh, no.
No, grayson isn't.

He's not?

He explained it to me one day
at a long liquid lunch.

He just sleeps --
let me get this straight --

With men now and then
to prove to himself
that he doesn't like it.

Oh, I see, so he's more
like a sexual scientist.

Yes.

What about
his boyfriend?

Smoke screen.

His boyfriend
is a smoke screen

For his heterosexuality.

He said
it's reversed nowadays.

Kathie, get with it.

All the best ones
are married or gay.

Sometimes both.
Oh, god.

Well, here he comes.
Let's find out for sure.

Hi, howard.
Hi.
Wrong one.

Wrong one.
[ Laughs ]

She's --
her first day...

All those files.

Yeah, there's
a lot of them.

Howard.

We are trying to figure out
what to eat for lunch.

And we were just wondering
if you could help us.

Um, sure.

Okay, do you think
that we should have the steak

Or the asparagus
and pasta salad?

Gee, I guess
you could have,

Uh, a bit of both.

And then what should
we have to drink?

Um, I don't know.
A beer?

Or a glass of white wine
is nice, I find.

Thanks.

Oh, you're welcome.

Both: he's bi!

Oh, god,
worst-case scenario.

No, he can't be.
He's just too good-looking.

I won't admit that.
No, no, no.

Kathie, look at me.

The proof
is in the pasta.

Well, is he?

We have to know.
Yeah.

We don't know yet.
We're not sure.

Give us time.
How much time
do you need?

[ Telephone rings ]
[ breathes rapidly ]

Shh, shh.

Hello? Shh!

Miss robson.

We don't know yet.

Just hold.

She's breathing
down our necks.

[ All talking ]

Look at his finger,
and if there's a --

Well, that's it
for the coffee-fund meeting.

Yes.

Uh, no.

No, I'm not gay.

[ Scoffs ]

[ Laughs ]
so, who cares?

Doesn't matter
to us at all.

Just for the record.

[ All talking ]

All: yay!

If you want
to remember something...

All: write it down!

That's what pens are for.

Man: helens agree...

Pens are good.

Although pencils are good
in case you make a mistake.

[ Rock music plays ]

Good evening...

Graduating class
of the ontario college of art.

My name is manny co*n,

And I've been asked
to speak to you about art.

[ Laughs ]

Yet when I look out over
your sea of vacant faces,

I feel like to puke.

'Cause I don't think
any of you have suffered,

Not like old manny co*n
here has suffered.

[ Laughs ]

I was born in a brothel

In a town which now
no longer exists.

When I was born,

My mother mistook
the afterbirth as my twin...

And the cuter one, too,
apparently,

As I was immediately sold
to the cleaning woman

For a stamp.

The cleaning woman,
who went by the name of magda,

Lived out at the edge of town
in an abandoned freezer

With a bum named lucky.

Magda and lucky
used to fight over

Whose turn it was to beat me.

So to distract myself from
the misery of my surroundings,

I began to draw.

And I drew on whatever
I could get my hands on --

Flattened kleenex boxes,

Tin cans, fruit...

But nothing fresh.

I never had a piece of fresh
fruit until I was ,

And it was a lime.

I still take
the existence of peaches

On hearsay.

I was kicked out of the freezer
when I reached puberty,

So I hit the open road
in search of fame and fortune.

For the next years
I wandered,

Sort of like that german
shepherd, hobo,

Except I don't lick
strangers' faces

Unless I'm f*cking them.

My school was the open road,

Pain and suffering,
my textbooks.

My teachers -- the gypsies
and rapscallions

I met along the way.

The only constant
in my life was my art.

For you see, boys and girls,
i, manny co*n,

Am enslaved to the harshest
mistress of all --

My muse.

And that bitch rode
the right side of my brain

For all she was worth,

Always driving me on

To find that shade of blue
that makes you cry,

That red that makes you hot...

And always, always,

To paint bigger
and better tits.

For you see, i, manny co*n,
had a creed a coeur one day.

"Manny," I said,
"what is it about your work

That gets to the people?"

It was the tits.

From then on,
I only painted tits --

Green tits, yellow tits,
blue tits,

Tits with three nipples,
tits over atlanta,

Tits in wool and fur,
installation tits.

Tits, tits, tits!

And the result?

Now my work hangs

In all the best galleries
in the planet.

And the art world
is lining up

To collectively kiss my ass.

So here I stand before you --

Drunk, smug, impotent.

The only way I can come
is to be hit by a bus.

And I'm supposed
to give you advice about art!

Ha!

The only advice
I can give you is

Every morning
when you get up,

Paint something,
I don't care what it is.

A bottle of wine,
a carrot,

Your favorite member
of menudo.

Me...

I like to paint
a genital first thing.

If I'm too hung over,
I photocopy my balls.

If you're worried
about chromosome damage,

Don't bother.

Artists shouldn't have kids.

Ha! I don't really
give a shit what you do.

Just don't do it
in my living room.

Good luck!

All: great minds think alike.

But so do bargain hunters.

Yeah, you've got
to get to sales early.

Yeah, it's a real jungle
out there

Unless you're wily.

Man: helens agree...

Great minds think alike.

All: but fools seldom differ.

[ Rock music plays ]

[ Bass line continues ]

That's the best
bass player I ever heard.

He's playing so sweet...

I'm getting chubby.

Do you know what I like best
about the bass player?

His neck.

Ah...

He made a little mistake.

You may not have noticed it,
but if you did,

I think you'll enjoy my tale.

[ Hums ]

♪ The mother, the father,
the serpent, the priest ♪

♪ The foreman, the woman,
the widow, the beast ♪

Hey, bass player.

Look at the bass player.

Look at that smile.

There's sadness in that smile.

Look at that chord structure.

There's sadness
in that chord structure.

Look at him flail
at the wailing wall

With nothing but stubby fingers
and a dumb look on his face.

He don't know it,
but he's balding...

Spiritually.

But everyone
hates the bass player.

No one invites the bass player
to the party after the show.

Hey, what are you guys
doing after the show?

Oh, nothing?
Okay.

If he does go to the party,

He can only get the good-looking
girl's best friend.

Is heather coming?

The bass player is the loser
of the band, yes he is.

If you don't believe me,

Take a look
at the one you're with.

But there's something beautiful
about the bass.

Sometimes when I listen to it,
i-i don't know.

I get caught up
in the swirl and I'm flying.

I'm flying, ma,
over a big, beautiful lake.

He's playing the bass
and I'm flying!

Sometimes when I land, I'm in
a different neighborhood,

But that's okay

'Cause whenever I listen
to the bass player,

I always bring cab fare.

But after all,
aren't we all bass players?

Aren't you all bass players?

They told me this was
a bass players convention.

You are all bass --

Pick up the beat!
Pick up the beat!

Hide the sadness
and tap your feet!

♪ The mother, the father,
the serpent, the priest ♪

♪ The foreman, the woman,
the widow, the beast ♪

♪ Aren't you glad
that you're not one? ♪

[ Rock music resumes ]

Hey, kid, you're late.

I had trouble
getting dressed.

Kid, remember --
your snooze button --

It's your friend
and your enemy.

Right, well,
let's get to it then, eh?

Let's, uh --
let's hammer some nails, eh?

Hey, what's wrong
with you?

I hate this job.

I'm in a rut deep enough
to hang up posters.

So why don't you quit?

I can't.

The only thing worse
than having a job...

Is looking for one.

Thought I recognized
that look.

What look?

The look of a guy
who's daydreaming

About a disabling but
noncrippling injury.

How did you know?

Hey, I'm a foreman.

How old are you, kid?
, ?

.

You might be ready.

All right, there is a way
for the average guy

To get
what's coming to him.

It's called compensation.

Compenthation?

Compensation.

It comes from the latin word
meaning "free money,"

And it's a glorious way
to live life at its fullest.

Well, % of its fullest,
eh, sam?

[ Laughs ]

Compensation
is a river of goodness

Flowing through the industrial
heartland of america,

Dispensing its bounty
to the blue-collar hero

Brave enough
to lap at its shores.

Sounds all right!
Yeah, it is.

There's a guy used to work here,
name of dino.

Sam, show him
where dino worked.

Worked right there.

He used to come to work
every monday morning,

Hating his job.

Hey, like me!
Yeah.

But he won't be back
for nine months

Thanks
to mama compensation.

I hear he bought a dog
and trained it.

Me, I got a bad back.

[ Grunts ]

You've been
on compensation?

We've all prayed at the altar
of compensation, even sam.

Uh-huh.

[ Moaning ]

Well, when am I
going to get some?

Hey.
It's not that easy.

Compensation,
she's a bitch goddess.

She gives with one hand.
She takes away with the other.

Understand?

I knew this guy.
Have a seat.

He worked one of those
cushy factory jobs.

You know what I'm talking about?

He used to cut pipe as it came
off the assembly line --

Blade cutter.

Ca-chunk, ca-chunk,
let the pipe go through.

Ca-chunk, ca-chunk,
count to two.

What did that pay?
$ . An hour.

Wow.

But one night,
he's working overtime real hard.

They don't know what it was.

Maybe it was the dr*gs,
the noise, the pollution.

But he starts
hearing voices, right?

Ca-chunk, ca-chunk,
"hey, man, take a vacation."

Ca-chunk, ca-chunk,
"get on compensation."

Ca-chunk, ca-chunk,
"give me your hand!"

Ca-chunk, ca-chunk,
and he does!

Ca-chunk!
Ugh!

Ahh!

He thought he had it
all figured out.

Do you know where he was
the next day?

Yeah, he was getting drunk
in hawaii.

Wrong.

He was right back
at that machine

Working it
with the other hand!

Ahh!

Ca-chunk, ca-chunk,
ca-chunk, ca-chunk!

[ Breathes heavily ]

So, what's it gonna be?

I want in.
I just gotta be smart.

Yeah, how?

I'll sh**t off my foot
with my brother's crossbow!

No, it's gotta
happen at work.

Come on.
You're a laborer.

Use your imagination.

I'll drink gallons
of this varnish.

No, it's got to look
like an accident.

I'll tell them
I was really thirsty.

Look at sam's hammer.

Doesn't that give you
any ideas?

I can club myself
in the head

With sam's hammer.

Better yet --

If you ask him real nice,
he might do it for you.

He's sent more than one
blue-collar brother

Down soap opera lane.

Sam, will you club me
with your claw hammer?

Sure.

Oops, the wind.

[ Imitates wind ]

Repeat after me.

I am ready and willing...
I am ready and willing...

To be disabled.

To be disabled.

Go, sam.

Not the hook end,
you moron!

Ooh!

Hey, guys!

Thanks for hurting me!

Look at him, sam.

You just punched him

With the goddess
of compensation.

Go, kid!
Go!

Go!

Go!

[ All talking ]

Hey!

Hey!

Can't we just agree
to disagree?

Man: helens agree...

To disagree.

[ Rock music plays ]

Please, officer
and officer,

Just give me
a few more moments, please.

I can do it, please.
Just stay here, please.

Henry, open this door
right now.

No!

Why not, henry?

Because
you don't believe anymore.

Untrue, henry.
Untrue.

Go away,
you infidel, you --

You heathen,
you unbeliever!

I do believe, henry.
I do believe in it.

No, you don't.

By the way you glared
at it this morning,

It's very, very clear to me
that you stopped believing

In the power of my cock,
haven't you?

You lost faith in
my little cock, haven't you?

I am well-acquainted
with the power of your...

Cock.

Don't be obscene!

I-i-i'm sorry, henry.

I wasn't trying
to be obscene.

Now, henry!

Please, henry,
come to the door,

And we'll have
a nice little chat.

Oh, just the two of us?
Yes.

So my cock
isn't invited, eh?

Oh, no, no, no,
bring your cock along.

Your cock is welcome.
Just open the door, henry!

Open the door!

You don't believe
that my cock

Can change this city,
do you?

I do believe, henry --
%, all the way, I believe.

Well, if you're such a fan,
then cock quiz! Cock quiz!

Unfair, henry.

You know
I'm no good at trivia.

Too late.
First question.

What player
for the pittsburgh steelers

Was famous
for the immaculate reception

And wore
jersey number ?

Franco harris
or my cock?

Your cock?

Damn right!
Damn right!

Henry...henry,

The police are here.

Yes, this is very serious.

They have a warrant
for you and your cock.

They want you
and your cock

To come out
with all your hands up.

Great! It is time the
authorities began conferring

With my cock tête-à-tête,
and who knows?

Perhaps a photo opportunity
will present itself.

I'll need all the
exposure I can get in
the upcoming election

If my cock is to thrash
that incumbent.

So your cock
is running for mayor?

Don't you read
the papers?

I see a great future
for this country,

A greening of the promises
written by our forefathers

In the constitution
to these united states

As interpreted
by my cock.

Henry, what is this?

It's my campaign song.

Sing!

♪ My cock is... ♪

♪ Cock is big and glorious ♪

Sing!

♪ Mighty and yet marvelous ♪

♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah ♪

♪ Cock is wonderful
and strong ♪