[ Siren wails ]
[ Typewriter dings ]
You ever have that dream
You ever have that dream
where you're sitting there in
You ever have that dream
where you're sitting there in
curlers, and you're having tea
Where you're sitting there in
curlers, and you're having tea
with the queen, and she opens
Curlers, and you're having tea
with the queen, and she opens
her throat and pours her tea
With the queen, and she opens
her throat and pours her tea
back, and you pull out your g*n,
Her throat and pours her tea
back, and you pull out your g*n,
and you bust her for drinking
Back, and you pull out your g*n,
and you bust her for drinking
her tea wrong?
And you bust her for drinking
her tea wrong?
You ever have, uh, that dream?
Her tea wrong?
You ever have, uh, that dream?
Hey, what good cop doesn't?
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
so, uh, you know, I didn't
[ Cheers and applause ]
so, uh, you know, I didn't
like the record he's playing,
So, uh, you know, I didn't
like the record he's playing,
right?
Like the record he's playing,
right?
So what am I gonna do but sock
Right?
So what am I gonna do but sock
him?
So what am I gonna do but sock
him?
So I socked him, and he gives me
Him?
So I socked him, and he gives me
that look, so I rocked him one,
So I socked him, and he gives me
that look, so I rocked him one,
and then I rock him again...
That look, so I rocked him one,
and then I rock him again...
Okay, boys, summer's over.
And then I rock him again...
Okay, boys, summer's over.
Time to punch in.
Okay, boys, summer's over.
Time to punch in.
I'm crushing your head!
Time to punch in.
I'm crushing your head!
I'm crushing your head!
I'm crushing your head!
I'm crushing your head!
I'm crushing your head!
I'm crushing your head!
I'm crushing your head!
Crush, crush.
I'm crushing your head!
Crush, crush.
Crush it.
Crush, crush.
Crush it.
What are you lookin' at?
Crush it.
What are you lookin' at?
Yeah.
What's that you said about my
What's that you said about my
head?
What's that you said about my
head?
I said it was flat.
Head?
I said it was flat.
What do you mean by that?
I said it was flat.
What do you mean by that?
Nothing.
What do you mean by that?
Nothing.
You're a menace.
Nothing.
You're a menace.
[ Laughter ]
You're a menace.
[ Laughter ]
[ laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
[ laughs ]
aaaaaaah!
[ Laughs ]
aaaaaaah!
Aaaah! Aaaaah!
Aaaaaaah!
Aaaah! Aaaaah!
[ Laughs evilly ]
Aaaah! Aaaaah!
[ Laughs evilly ]
[ screaming ]
[ Sobbing ]
Do you need more...
Do you need more...
[ Sobbing ]
Do you need more...
[ Sobbing ]
I'll never crush again.
[ Sobbing ]
I'll never crush again.
You crushed for a living?
I'll never crush again.
You crushed for a living?
Stop crying.
You crushed for a living?
Stop crying.
I'm serious, stop crying.
Stop crying.
I'm serious, stop crying.
I want more dibby-dabby.
I'm serious, stop crying.
I want more dibby-dabby.
Demerol?
I want more dibby-dabby.
Demerol?
If you say "dibby-dabby" again,
Demerol?
If you say "dibby-dabby" again,
I'm gonna hit you.
If you say "dibby-dabby" again,
I'm gonna hit you.
Take me to the morgue!
I'm gonna hit you.
Take me to the morgue!
I'm useless!
Take me to the morgue!
I'm useless!
I'm not taking you to the
I'm useless!
I'm not taking you to the
morgue.
I'm not taking you to the
morgue.
You hate me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
That'll be all.
Thank you.
That'll be all.
[ Sobbing continues ]
That'll be all.
[ Sobbing continues ]
hello.
I'm miss unloop.
I'm miss unloop.
We'll be working together.
I'm miss unloop.
We'll be working together.
And how are we today?
We'll be working together.
And how are we today?
I just want to die!
And how are we today?
I just want to die!
Mr. Tyzik, are we a little
I just want to die!
Mr. Tyzik, are we a little
depressed?
Please, sh**t me.
Please, sh**t me.
Oh, mr. Tyzik, we don't sh**t
Please, sh**t me.
Oh, mr. Tyzik, we don't sh**t
people here.
Oh, mr. Tyzik, we don't sh**t
people here.
This is rehab.
People here.
This is rehab.
It's hopeless.
This is rehab.
It's hopeless.
I'm going to try something.
It's hopeless.
I'm going to try something.
Mr. Tyzik, I want you to repeat
I'm going to try something.
Mr. Tyzik, I want you to repeat
after me -- you can do it.
Mr. Tyzik, I want you to repeat
after me -- you can do it.
You can do it.
After me -- you can do it.
You can do it.
No, I can do it.
You can do it.
No, I can do it.
I can't do it.
No, I can do it.
I can't do it.
Drop the "t".
I can't do it.
Drop the "t".
I can't do it.
Drop the "t".
I can't do it.
Drop the "t".
I can't do it.
Drop the "t".
I can do it.
Drop the "t".
I can do it.
I can't.
I can do it.
I can't.
Drop the "t".
I can't.
Drop the "t".
I can do it.
Drop the "t".
I can do it.
I can't.
I can do it.
I can't.
Drop the "t"!
I can't.
Drop the "t"!
I can't do it.
Drop the "t"!
I can't do it.
I can do it.
I can't do it.
I can do it.
Let's do it.
And...into the pool.
And...into the pool.
No.
And...into the pool.
No.
And...into the pool.
No.
And...into the pool.
No, it's too cold!
And...into the pool.
No, it's too cold!
I want to show you something.
No, it's too cold!
I want to show you something.
What?
I want to show you something.
What?
Good.
What?
Good.
See?
Good.
See?
Easy, wasn't it?
See?
Easy, wasn't it?
And...into the pool.
Try.
Try.
Try.
[ Mumbling ]
Try.
[ Mumbling ]
do it!
[ Mumbling ]
do it!
[ Grunts ]
Do it!
[ Grunts ]
[ laughs ]
[ Grunts ]
[ laughs ]
yes!
[ Laughs ]
yes!
[ Laughing ]
[ Sobbing ]
Hey, tough guy.
Hey, tough guy.
You three, move away from him.
Hey, tough guy.
You three, move away from him.
I have no quarrel with you.
You three, move away from him.
I have no quarrel with you.
I just want to get even with the
I have no quarrel with you.
I just want to get even with the
lanky yo-yo boy.
I just want to get even with the
lanky yo-yo boy.
[ Laughs mockingly ]
Lanky yo-yo boy.
[ Laughs mockingly ]
I'm crushing your head!
[ Laughs mockingly ]
I'm crushing your head!
I'm crushing your head!
I'm crushing your head!
I'm crushing your head!
I'm crushing your head!
I'm crushing your head!
I'm crushing your head!
You're a flathead!
I'm crushing your head!
You're a flathead!
[ Blows ]
That's him again.
That's him again.
Let's get him!
That's him again.
Let's get him!
Hey, stop him!
[ Siren wails ]
[ Siren wails ]
[ typewriter dings ]
You know, I never told my dad
You know, I never told my dad
I loved him?
You know, I never told my dad
I loved him?
[ Sighs ]
I loved him?
[ Sighs ]
well, you really should, you
[ Sighs ]
well, you really should, you
know?
Well, you really should, you
know?
I can't.
Know?
I can't.
How come?
I can't.
How come?
I don't.
All right, now, sean, I want
All right, now, sean, I want
you to get a good night's rest,
All right, now, sean, I want
you to get a good night's rest,
and remember, I can m*rder you
You to get a good night's rest,
and remember, I can m*rder you
while you sleep.
And remember, I can m*rder you
while you sleep.
It's easy, son.
While you sleep.
It's easy, son.
All you have to be is quiet and
It's easy, son.
All you have to be is quiet and
willing to do it.
All you have to be is quiet and
willing to do it.
And, son, I am willing to do it.
Willing to do it.
And, son, I am willing to do it.
And I've got quiet shoes.
And, son, I am willing to do it.
And I've got quiet shoes.
Good night, son.
And I've got quiet shoes.
Good night, son.
Sleep well.
Good night, son.
Sleep well.
Daddy drank.
Sleep well.
Daddy drank.
Oh, son.
Daddy drank.
Oh, son.
Son, how many girls called you
Oh, son.
Son, how many girls called you
today?
Son, how many girls called you
today?
Zero?
Today?
Zero?
Well, how many girls called you
Zero?
Well, how many girls called you
yesterday?
Well, how many girls called you
yesterday?
Let me guess? Zero?
Yesterday?
Let me guess? Zero?
Well, you know what they say
Let me guess? Zero?
Well, you know what they say
son -- zero plus zero equals
Well, you know what they say
son -- zero plus zero equals
f*g!
Son -- zero plus zero equals
f*g!
That's right, son.
f*g!
That's right, son.
Zero times any other number
That's right, son.
Zero times any other number
always equals f*g!
Zero times any other number
always equals f*g!
Think about it, you little
Always equals f*g!
Think about it, you little
mathematician.
Think about it, you little
mathematician.
Daddy was a salesman.
Mathematician.
Daddy was a salesman.
Daddy drank.
Daddy was a salesman.
Daddy drank.
Son? Son, wake up.
Daddy drank.
Son? Son, wake up.
Wake up.
Son? Son, wake up.
Wake up.
It's midnight christmas eve, and
Wake up.
It's midnight christmas eve, and
I just want to say thank you,
It's midnight christmas eve, and
I just want to say thank you,
son.
I just want to say thank you,
son.
I just -- I don't deserve this,
Son.
I just -- I don't deserve this,
son.
I just -- I don't deserve this,
son.
I don't deserve anything, to be
Son.
I don't deserve anything, to be
honest with you.
I don't deserve anything, to be
honest with you.
I just --
Honest with you.
I just --
[ sobbing ] I don't deserve
I just --
[ sobbing ] I don't deserve
this.
[ Sobbing ] I don't deserve
this.
What the hell is this?!
This.
What the hell is this?!
Tap shoes!
What the hell is this?!
Tap shoes!
I don't dance!
Tap shoes!
I don't dance!
I can't dance, you little
I don't dance!
I can't dance, you little
bastard!
I can't dance, you little
bastard!
Daddy couldn't dance.
Bastard!
Daddy couldn't dance.
Oh, daddy could drink.
Daddy couldn't dance.
Oh, daddy could drink.
Hey, son, you know how you've
Oh, daddy could drink.
Hey, son, you know how you've
been bugging me to go and get
Hey, son, you know how you've
been bugging me to go and get
you a puppy?
Been bugging me to go and get
you a puppy?
Well, today after work, I went
You a puppy?
Well, today after work, I went
out, and I bought you one.
Well, today after work, I went
out, and I bought you one.
But on the way home, I got
Out, and I bought you one.
But on the way home, I got
hungry, and I ate it.
But on the way home, I got
hungry, and I ate it.
I'm joking.
Hungry, and I ate it.
I'm joking.
I'd never buy you a puppy.
I'm joking.
I'd never buy you a puppy.
Why didn't daddy give up
I'd never buy you a puppy.
Why didn't daddy give up
drinking?
Why didn't daddy give up
drinking?
He couldn't.
Drinking?
He couldn't.
Daddy drank for the government.
He couldn't.
Daddy drank for the government.
[ Tapping sounds ]
Daddy drank for the government.
[ Tapping sounds ]
oh! Did I wake you, son?
[ Tapping sounds ]
oh! Did I wake you, son?
Jeez, I'm sorry.
Oh! Did I wake you, son?
Jeez, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to wake you up
Jeez, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to wake you up
there.
I didn't mean to wake you up
there.
I was just looking for my
There.
I was just looking for my
moccasins.
I was just looking for my
moccasins.
I don't know where they seemed
Moccasins.
I don't know where they seemed
to have disappeared, somehow
I don't know where they seemed
to have disappeared, somehow
oddly.
To have disappeared, somehow
oddly.
Well, you just get a good
Oddly.
Well, you just get a good
night's sleep.
Well, you just get a good
night's sleep.
I'm gonna go out and buy a lot
Night's sleep.
I'm gonna go out and buy a lot
of carpeting.
I'm gonna go out and buy a lot
of carpeting.
I mean, why not?
Of carpeting.
I mean, why not?
I sell the crap, don't i?
I mean, why not?
I sell the crap, don't i?
Oh, sure, I drink a little.
I sell the crap, don't i?
Oh, sure, I drink a little.
But I'm not my daddy.
Oh, sure, I drink a little.
But I'm not my daddy.
He was older and had children
But I'm not my daddy.
He was older and had children
like me.
He was older and had children
like me.
Oh, I drink before I go to bed
Like me.
Oh, I drink before I go to bed
when I sleep.
Oh, I drink before I go to bed
when I sleep.
It's not a drinking thing.
When I sleep.
It's not a drinking thing.
It's a sleeping thing.
I don't know either.
I don't know either.
Where do you want to eat?
I don't know either.
Where do you want to eat?
[ Sighs ]
Where do you want to eat?
[ Sighs ]
I don't know.
[ Sighs ]
I don't know.
How about the golden griddle?
I don't know.
How about the golden griddle?
We eat there all the time.
How about the golden griddle?
We eat there all the time.
All right.
Some city out there.
Some city out there.
It's pretty ugly to see it.
Some city out there.
It's pretty ugly to see it.
Young thing like that, years
It's pretty ugly to see it.
Young thing like that, years
old, pretty, eaten up by the
Young thing like that, years
old, pretty, eaten up by the
street, gobbled up, wigged-out
Old, pretty, eaten up by the
street, gobbled up, wigged-out
on dr*gs, all kinds of people
Street, gobbled up, wigged-out
on dr*gs, all kinds of people
just trying to eat her up, they
On dr*gs, all kinds of people
just trying to eat her up, they
don't care --
Just trying to eat her up, they
don't care --
shelly long.
Don't care --
shelly long.
What?
Shelly long.
What?
Shelly long.
What?
Shelly long.
I'm trying to remember the name
Shelly long.
I'm trying to remember the name
of her all day.
I'm trying to remember the name
of her all day.
You know the woman, the actress?
Of her all day.
You know the woman, the actress?
Oh, shelly long.
You know the woman, the actress?
Oh, shelly long.
Yeah, she's good.
Oh, shelly long.
Yeah, she's good.
Yeah, she is, isn't she?
Yeah, she's good.
Yeah, she is, isn't she?
Really good.
It's a damn fine proposal.
It's a damn fine proposal.
Well, uh...
It's a damn fine proposal.
Well, uh...
But I have a proposal that I
Well, uh...
But I have a proposal that I
think you might find a better
But I have a proposal that I
think you might find a better
proposal.
Think you might find a better
proposal.
Not that what you proposed was a
Proposal.
Not that what you proposed was a
bad proposal.
Not that what you proposed was a
bad proposal.
So you're saying you have a
Bad proposal.
So you're saying you have a
counter-proposal?
So you're saying you have a
counter-proposal?
Maybe.
Counter-proposal?
Maybe.
What do you think, denny?
Maybe.
What do you think, denny?
Well, john --
What do you think, denny?
Well, john --
hey, denny's knocked out.
I vaguely remember from
I vaguely remember from
health class that we shouldn't
I vaguely remember from
health class that we shouldn't
move him.
Health class that we shouldn't
move him.
Right.
Move him.
Right.
So, I move that we move the
Right.
So, I move that we move the
meeting to another office.
So, I move that we move the
meeting to another office.
Good proposal.
Meeting to another office.
Good proposal.
Okay.
Let's do it here, barry.
Let's do it here, barry.
Right here?
Let's do it here, barry.
Right here?
This is the perfect place.
Right here?
This is the perfect place.
No one will know.
This is the perfect place.
No one will know.
That guy's been out cold for
No one will know.
That guy's been out cold for
days.
That guy's been out cold for
days.
He won't tell anyone.
Days.
He won't tell anyone.
Come on.
He won't tell anyone.
Come on.
Prove you love me?
Come on.
Prove you love me?
I don't know.
Prove you love me?
I don't know.
Come on.
I don't know.
Come on.
Should I take everything off?
Come on.
Should I take everything off?
It's up to you.
Should I take everything off?
It's up to you.
[ Thinking ] gee, I don't
It's up to you.
[ Thinking ] gee, I don't
know.
[ Thinking ] gee, I don't
know.
That's a tough one.
Know.
That's a tough one.
Take it off! Take it off!
That's a tough one.
Take it off! Take it off!
Take it off!
Take it off! Take it off!
Take it off!
Come on, kid, make the right
Take it off!
Come on, kid, make the right
choice.
Come on, kid, make the right
choice.
Make the naked choice.
Choice.
Make the naked choice.
No!
Make the naked choice.
No!
Not here.
No!
Not here.
It's not right.
Not here.
It's not right.
It's wrong.
It's not right.
It's wrong.
It's just wrong!
It's wrong.
It's just wrong!
Barry!
It's just wrong!
Barry!
Barry!
Barry!
Barry!
Kids today -- bunch of
Barry!
Kids today -- bunch of
hairless cowards!
Kids today -- bunch of
hairless cowards!
When I was their age, nudity was
Hairless cowards!
When I was their age, nudity was
number one, and then it was
When I was their age, nudity was
number one, and then it was
warmth, shelter, and food.
Number one, and then it was
warmth, shelter, and food.
[ Whistle blows ]
Warmth, shelter, and food.
[ Whistle blows ]
okay, girls, we'll change for
[ Whistle blows ]
okay, girls, we'll change for
the big game in here 'cause the
Okay, girls, we'll change for
the big game in here 'cause the
lights are out in the stadium
The big game in here 'cause the
lights are out in the stadium
dressing room.
Lights are out in the stadium
dressing room.
Let's move it.
Dressing room.
Let's move it.
This guy's been out cold for two
Let's move it.
This guy's been out cold for two
days, so he won't trouble you.
This guy's been out cold for two
days, so he won't trouble you.
I can stand outside for a couple
Days, so he won't trouble you.
I can stand outside for a couple
minutes.
I can stand outside for a couple
minutes.
Let's do it quickly!
Minutes.
Let's do it quickly!
[ Whistle blows ]
Let's do it quickly!
[ Whistle blows ]
out of my way! Out of my way!
[ Whistle blows ]
out of my way! Out of my way!
[ Thinking ] come on, girls,
Out of my way! Out of my way!
[ Thinking ] come on, girls,
start changing.
[ Thinking ] come on, girls,
start changing.
You got a big game ahead of you.
Start changing.
You got a big game ahead of you.
Start changing.
You got a big game ahead of you.
Start changing.
Do it. Do it. Do it.
Start changing.
Do it. Do it. Do it.
I love basketball.
Do it. Do it. Do it.
I love basketball.
I love nudity.
I love basketball.
I love nudity.
Do it!
I love nudity.
Do it!
Okay, girls, start not
Do it!
Okay, girls, start not
changing.
Okay, girls, start not
changing.
The lights are back on, so we
Changing.
The lights are back on, so we
can change back there.
The lights are back on, so we
can change back there.
Come on! Let's move it!
Can change back there.
Come on! Let's move it!
Let's see that tomogamy sparrow
Come on! Let's move it!
Let's see that tomogamy sparrow
spirit!
Let's see that tomogamy sparrow
spirit!
Together: yay!
Spirit!
Together: yay!
Come on!
Together: yay!
Come on!
Move it! Move it!
Come on!
Move it! Move it!
Move it! Move it!
Move it! Move it!
Move it! Move it!
Let's show thunder bay who's
Move it! Move it!
Let's show thunder bay who's
boss!
Let's show thunder bay who's
boss!
Great.
Boss!
Great.
So close, yet so far.
Great.
So close, yet so far.
Couldn't be happier.
So close, yet so far.
Couldn't be happier.
I hate basketball.
Couldn't be happier.
I hate basketball.
All-star croquet's more
I hate basketball.
All-star croquet's more
exciting.
[ Piano music plays ]
[ Thinking ] no, no, no.
[ Thinking ] no, no, no.
Well, this is great.
[ Thinking ] no, no, no.
Well, this is great.
My day is now perfect.
Well, this is great.
My day is now perfect.
No! No, not the pants.
My day is now perfect.
No! No, not the pants.
Not the pants!
No! No, not the pants.
Not the pants!
Oh, no.
Not the pants!
Oh, no.
Here come the pants.
Oh, no.
Here come the pants.
[ Groaning ]
Shelly long.
Shelly long.
Who?
Shelly long.
Who?
That's that chick's name --
Who?
That's that chick's name --
shelly long.
That's that chick's name --
shelly long.
Who is she?
For god's sakes, marnie, calm
For god's sakes, marnie, calm
down, will you?
For god's sakes, marnie, calm
down, will you?
Listen, will you do yourself a
Down, will you?
Listen, will you do yourself a
favor and get yourself a bit of
Listen, will you do yourself a
favor and get yourself a bit of
a drink, okay?
Favor and get yourself a bit of
a drink, okay?
Thank you.
A drink, okay?
Thank you.
And, listen, for god's sakes,
Thank you.
And, listen, for god's sakes,
have a cigarette.
And, listen, for god's sakes,
have a cigarette.
Yeah, will you?
Have a cigarette.
Yeah, will you?
Well, listen, hon, I can't
Yeah, will you?
Well, listen, hon, I can't
understand you.
Well, listen, hon, I can't
understand you.
Your words are all melting
Understand you.
Your words are all melting
together.
Your words are all melting
together.
Mom.
Together.
Mom.
So is hank all right?
Mom.
So is hank all right?
Mom.
So is hank all right?
Mom.
Had he been drinking?
Mom.
Had he been drinking?
He had.
Had he been drinking?
He had.
Mom!
He had.
Mom!
Drunk on a forklift.
Mom!
Drunk on a forklift.
Get out of here, marnie.
Drunk on a forklift.
Get out of here, marnie.
Mom!
Get out of here, marnie.
Mom!
Hang on a second.
Mom!
Hang on a second.
Yes, gavin?
Hang on a second.
Yes, gavin?
Are you on the phone?
Yes, gavin?
Are you on the phone?
Yes, I am.
Are you on the phone?
Yes, I am.
Oh, all right.
Yes, I am.
Oh, all right.
Then, therefore, may I have some
Oh, all right.
Then, therefore, may I have some
chocolate chips?
Then, therefore, may I have some
chocolate chips?
No, you cannot.
Chocolate chips?
No, you cannot.
All right?
No, you cannot.
All right?
All right.
All right?
All right.
I'm back.
All right.
I'm back.
Listen, did he get fired because
I'm back.
Listen, did he get fired because
he was drunk, or was he drunk
Listen, did he get fired because
he was drunk, or was he drunk
because he got fired?
He was drunk, or was he drunk
because he got fired?
I don't understand.
Because he got fired?
I don't understand.
Mom!
I don't understand.
Mom!
Hang on.
Mom!
Hang on.
Did the school nurse call?
Hang on.
Did the school nurse call?
Because today at school, the
Did the school nurse call?
Because today at school, the
school nurse took a sample from
Because today at school, the
school nurse took a sample from
my ear, and she didn't like what
School nurse took a sample from
my ear, and she didn't like what
she saw.
My ear, and she didn't like what
she saw.
And she said that I need some
She saw.
And she said that I need some
chocolate chips.
And she said that I need some
chocolate chips.
Gavin, I'm on the phone.
Chocolate chips.
Gavin, I'm on the phone.
Thank you.
Gavin, I'm on the phone.
Thank you.
Now, listen.
Thank you.
Now, listen.
Did they charge him?
Now, listen.
Did they charge him?
Well, no, look on the paper.
Did they charge him?
Well, no, look on the paper.
It'll say.
Well, no, look on the paper.
It'll say.
Mom!
It'll say.
Mom!
Hang on.
Mom!
Hang on.
This kid at school,
Hang on.
This kid at school,
raymond schnepps, the guy I told
This kid at school,
raymond schnepps, the guy I told
you about many times -- do you
Raymond schnepps, the guy I told
you about many times -- do you
know what happened when he went
You about many times -- do you
know what happened when he went
away to the soviet union and was
Know what happened when he went
away to the soviet union and was
supposed to come back?
Away to the soviet union and was
supposed to come back?
He didn't.
Supposed to come back?
He didn't.
And you know what was in his
He didn't.
And you know what was in his
desk?
And you know what was in his
desk?
Another kid.
Desk?
Another kid.
And when they called out his
Another kid.
And when they called out his
name -- when they called out
And when they called out his
name -- when they called out
raymond schnepps at roll call --
Name -- when they called out
raymond schnepps at roll call --
this new kid put up his hand.
Raymond schnepps at roll call --
this new kid put up his hand.
Scary, eh?
This new kid put up his hand.
Scary, eh?
Gavin, what is this?
Scary, eh?
Gavin, what is this?
A phone.
Gavin, what is this?
A phone.
And what am I doing with it?
A phone.
And what am I doing with it?
You are talking.
And what am I doing with it?
You are talking.
Therefore, I am...
You are talking.
Therefore, I am...
Talking on the phone.
Therefore, I am...
Talking on the phone.
Thank you.
Talking on the phone.
Thank you.
Mom, in france, kids are
Thank you.
Mom, in france, kids are
drunk.
Mom, in france, kids are
drunk.
Mom, it's true.
Drunk.
Mom, it's true.
In france, every kid is forced
Mom, it's true.
In france, every kid is forced
to drink a bottle of wine with
In france, every kid is forced
to drink a bottle of wine with
every meal.
To drink a bottle of wine with
every meal.
And also, they just stare off
Every meal.
And also, they just stare off
because...
And also, they just stare off
because...
Because there are no tv sets
Because...
Because there are no tv sets
there.
Because there are no tv sets
there.
So, logically, some chips might
There.
So, logically, some chips might
be a very fine thing --
So, logically, some chips might
be a very fine thing --
gavin, you cannot have any
Be a very fine thing --
gavin, you cannot have any
chips.
Gavin, you cannot have any
chips.
They are for baking.
Chips.
They are for baking.
All right?
They are for baking.
All right?
All right.
All right?
All right.
Thank you.
All right.
Thank you.
Then, can the fish have some
Thank you.
Then, can the fish have some
chips?
Then, can the fish have some
chips?
Say again, marnie.
Chips?
Say again, marnie.
Well, look, mom, if you'd
Say again, marnie.
Well, look, mom, if you'd
care to, they're swimming very
Well, look, mom, if you'd
care to, they're swimming very
sadly.
Care to, they're swimming very
sadly.
Marnie, listen, do yourself a
Sadly.
Marnie, listen, do yourself a
favor and have another drink.
Marnie, listen, do yourself a
favor and have another drink.
Would you do that?
Favor and have another drink.
Would you do that?
Gavin, are you playing with the
Would you do that?
Gavin, are you playing with the
fish?
Gavin, are you playing with the
fish?
No.
Fish?
No.
Is that a fish in your hand?!
No.
Is that a fish in your hand?!
No.
Is that a fish in your hand?!
No.
Gavin, did you just put that
No.
Gavin, did you just put that
fish in your mouth?
Gavin, did you just put that
fish in your mouth?
Did you just swallow that fish?
Fish in your mouth?
Did you just swallow that fish?
No, mom, he swam his way
Did you just swallow that fish?
No, mom, he swam his way
inside me.
No, mom, he swam his way
inside me.
Marnie, I'll have to call you
Inside me.
Marnie, I'll have to call you
back.
Marnie, I'll have to call you
back.
Gavin ate a fish.
Back.
Gavin ate a fish.
Whatever possessed you to eat a
Gavin ate a fish.
Whatever possessed you to eat a
fish?
Whatever possessed you to eat a
fish?
All right, listen, you are going
Fish?
All right, listen, you are going
straight upstairs, and you are
All right, listen, you are going
straight upstairs, and you are
gonna sit on that toilet until
Straight upstairs, and you are
gonna sit on that toilet until
that fish swims out.
Gonna sit on that toilet until
that fish swims out.
Will you come with me?
That fish swims out.
Will you come with me?
All right.
Will you come with me?
All right.
Good, then I can dye your
All right.
Good, then I can dye your
hair, right?
Good, then I can dye your
hair, right?
No, you can't.
Hair, right?
No, you can't.
[ Cheers and applause ]
No, you can't.
[ Cheers and applause ]
we've called this press
[ Cheers and applause ]
we've called this press
conference today to announce
We've called this press
conference today to announce
publicly what is already a
Conference today to announce
publicly what is already a
growing rumor in the
Publicly what is already a
growing rumor in the
community -- that we are
Growing rumor in the
community -- that we are
disappointed both in our child
Community -- that we are
disappointed both in our child
and in the experience of
Disappointed both in our child
and in the experience of
parenting.
And in the experience of
parenting.
Now, we feel a certain sense of
Parenting.
Now, we feel a certain sense of
responsibility in that when our
Now, we feel a certain sense of
responsibility in that when our
baby was born, we were often
Responsibility in that when our
baby was born, we were often
heard to encourage other couples
Baby was born, we were often
heard to encourage other couples
to have children, describing it
Heard to encourage other couples
to have children, describing it
as -- and I quote -- "the most
To have children, describing it
as -- and I quote -- "the most
incredible experience in the
As -- and I quote -- "the most
incredible experience in the
world."
Incredible experience in the
world."
We would now like to retract
World."
We would now like to retract
that statement.
We would now like to retract
that statement.
And for all those who have only
That statement.
And for all those who have only
recently been stirred to
And for all those who have only
recently been stirred to
conceive, we offer a word of
Recently been stirred to
conceive, we offer a word of
advice -- don't.
Conceive, we offer a word of
advice -- don't.
Are you gonna get rid of the
Advice -- don't.
Are you gonna get rid of the
child?
Are you gonna get rid of the
child?
No, no, of course not.
Child?
No, no, of course not.
We're just gonna go on with our
No, no, of course not.
We're just gonna go on with our
lives, but openly and honestly.
We're just gonna go on with our
lives, but openly and honestly.
Thank you.
Lives, but openly and honestly.
Thank you.
Tommy -- a little smile
Thank you.
Tommy -- a little smile
there, tommy.
Tommy -- a little smile
there, tommy.
Can you smile still, tommy?
There, tommy.
Can you smile still, tommy?
They treat you well, huh?
Can you smile still, tommy?
They treat you well, huh?
Let me just see the kid --
They treat you well, huh?
Let me just see the kid --
just one little picture.
Let me just see the kid --
just one little picture.
You've had enough.
Just one little picture.
You've had enough.
Come on, come on, come on.
You've had enough.
Come on, come on, come on.
Hey, tommy.
Come on, come on, come on.
Hey, tommy.
Whoa, what's that?
Hey, tommy.
Whoa, what's that?
That's just a black-and-white tv
Whoa, what's that?
That's just a black-and-white tv
in there.
That's just a black-and-white tv
in there.
Hey, tommy!
In there.
Hey, tommy!
Hey! Hey!
Hey, tommy!
Hey! Hey!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey! Hey!
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ laughter ]
shelley long.
[ Laughter ]
shelley long.
That's who it is.
Shelley long.
That's who it is.
It's been driving me crazy.
That's who it is.
It's been driving me crazy.
Hey, any of you guys ever
It's been driving me crazy.
Hey, any of you guys ever
beat up your dad?
Hey, any of you guys ever
beat up your dad?
What?
Beat up your dad?
What?
What are you talking about?
What?
What are you talking about?
Ever beat up your dad?
What are you talking about?
Ever beat up your dad?
No.
Ever beat up your dad?
No.
Never? Not once?
No.
Never? Not once?
No.
Never? Not once?
No.
Surely you've thought about
No.
Surely you've thought about
it, though.
Surely you've thought about
it, though.
Well...
It, though.
Well...
I thought so. Okay.
Well...
I thought so. Okay.
Maybe I've thought about it.
I thought so. Okay.
Maybe I've thought about it.
If you were gonna do it,
Maybe I've thought about it.
If you were gonna do it,
right, do you think you could
If you were gonna do it,
right, do you think you could
take him?
Right, do you think you could
take him?
Could you take your old man?
Take him?
Could you take your old man?
Think about it.
Could you take your old man?
Think about it.
Yeah.
Think about it.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess I could take him.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess I could take him.
I guess I could beat up my own
Yeah, I guess I could take him.
I guess I could beat up my own
father.
I guess I could beat up my own
father.
Of course, he's .
Father.
Of course, he's .
I couldn't do it, but I'm
Of course, he's .
I couldn't do it, but I'm
just uncomfortable with emotion.
I couldn't do it, but I'm
just uncomfortable with emotion.
That's my problem.
Just uncomfortable with emotion.
That's my problem.
But I know your father.
That's my problem.
But I know your father.
I think hammy's been asking for
But I know your father.
I think hammy's been asking for
it for years.
I think hammy's been asking for
it for years.
I know my dad.
It for years.
I know my dad.
He's wily.
I know my dad.
He's wily.
He's one wily commuter.
He's wily.
He's one wily commuter.
Can't be that wily, mark.
He's one wily commuter.
Can't be that wily, mark.
If you were gonna try it,
Can't be that wily, mark.
If you were gonna try it,
though, right, how would you do
If you were gonna try it,
though, right, how would you do
it?
Though, right, how would you do
it?
Just what if.
It?
Just what if.
Yeah, what if.
Just what if.
Yeah, what if.
Drunk, at a wedding.
Yeah, what if.
Drunk, at a wedding.
Ask him to dance.
Drunk, at a wedding.
Ask him to dance.
Get him out on the dance floor
Ask him to dance.
Get him out on the dance floor
and then pow!
Get him out on the dance floor
and then pow!
Stay down, please, sir.
And then pow!
Stay down, please, sir.
[ Laughter ]
Stay down, please, sir.
[ Laughter ]
good one.
[ Laughter ]
good one.
I guess I'd wait till he was
Good one.
I guess I'd wait till he was
in the den.
I guess I'd wait till he was
in the den.
Wait till he's in the den
In the den.
Wait till he's in the den
watching "alf," eating off a tv
Wait till he's in the den
watching "alf," eating off a tv
tray, wearing those slippers.
Watching "alf," eating off a tv
tray, wearing those slippers.
And then I'd blind him with
Tray, wearing those slippers.
And then I'd blind him with
salt, and I'd bash him on the
And then I'd blind him with
salt, and I'd bash him on the
head with the channel changer,
Salt, and I'd bash him on the
head with the channel changer,
and then I'd take down that big
Head with the channel changer,
and then I'd take down that big
marlin from over the bar, that
And then I'd take down that big
marlin from over the bar, that
stuffed marlin I've been staring
Marlin from over the bar, that
stuffed marlin I've been staring
at all my life.
Stuffed marlin I've been staring
at all my life.
I'd take that baby down and,
At all my life.
I'd take that baby down and,
well, no more "alf" today,
I'd take that baby down and,
well, no more "alf" today,
daddy.
Well, no more "alf" today,
daddy.
Oh, ho!
Daddy.
Oh, ho!
I'd let him beat me up.
Oh, ho!
I'd let him beat me up.
What?
I'd let him beat me up.
What?
Then I'd let his guilt tear
What?
Then I'd let his guilt tear
him apart.
Then I'd let his guilt tear
him apart.
Excuse me.
Him apart.
Excuse me.
Sorry, that counts.
Excuse me.
Sorry, that counts.
Passive-aggressive.
Sorry, that counts.
Passive-aggressive.
That counts.
Passive-aggressive.
That counts.
We can be bastards, too.
That counts.
We can be bastards, too.
Oh, yes, sir.
We can be bastards, too.
Oh, yes, sir.
I'd drop from a tree.
Oh, yes, sir.
I'd drop from a tree.
It's so obvious I'd have to get
I'd drop from a tree.
It's so obvious I'd have to get
the jump on old ian.
It's so obvious I'd have to get
the jump on old ian.
I'd sleep in the tree, and then
The jump on old ian.
I'd sleep in the tree, and then
I'd wait till he was going to
I'd sleep in the tree, and then
I'd wait till he was going to
work, and then I'd just fall.
I'd wait till he was going to
work, and then I'd just fall.
And then I'd pick up some of his
Work, and then I'd just fall.
And then I'd pick up some of his
lawn and club him with it.
And then I'd pick up some of his
lawn and club him with it.
I would shame him with his own
Lawn and club him with it.
I would shame him with his own
lawn.
I would shame him with his own
lawn.
And as he stood there with his
Lawn.
And as he stood there with his
corduroy pants wiggling like the
And as he stood there with his
corduroy pants wiggling like the
legs of a sick insect, I'd take
Corduroy pants wiggling like the
legs of a sick insect, I'd take
the chip off my shoulder and
Legs of a sick insect, I'd take
the chip off my shoulder and
shove it down his throat!
The chip off my shoulder and
shove it down his throat!
That's pretty.
Shove it down his throat!
That's pretty.
That's really nice.
That's pretty.
That's really nice.
[ Laughs ]
That's really nice.
[ Laughs ]
what about you?
[ Laughs ]
what about you?
Me? Beat up my father?
What about you?
Me? Beat up my father?
Are you kidding?
Me? Beat up my father?
Are you kidding?
I love my dad, guys, okay?
Are you kidding?
I love my dad, guys, okay?
We all love our fathers.
I love my dad, guys, okay?
We all love our fathers.
Oh, you do, do you?
We all love our fathers.
Oh, you do, do you?
Well, have you ever told him
Oh, you do, do you?
Well, have you ever told him
that?
Well, have you ever told him
that?
He doesn't want to hear that.
That?
He doesn't want to hear that.
Well, if you ever had the
He doesn't want to hear that.
Well, if you ever had the
guts, how would you do it?
Well, if you ever had the
guts, how would you do it?
Drunk, at a wedding.
Guts, how would you do it?
Drunk, at a wedding.
Ask him to dance.
Drunk, at a wedding.
Ask him to dance.
Get him out on the dance floor
Ask him to dance.
Get him out on the dance floor
and then pow!
Get him out on the dance floor
and then pow!
I love you, daddy.
And then pow!
I love you, daddy.
I'd get my mom to do it.
I love you, daddy.
I'd get my mom to do it.
Coward.
I'd get my mom to do it.
Coward.
[ Cheers and applause ]
02x09 - Episode 9
Watch/Buy Amazon
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.