Hey.
Hey.
Salima, what do you think you're
Hey.
Salima, what do you think you're
doing?
Salima, what do you think you're
doing?
What's up?
Doing?
What's up?
You fell asleep on the job.
What's up?
You fell asleep on the job.
No, I didn't.
You fell asleep on the job.
No, I didn't.
Look, you fall asleep one
No, I didn't.
Look, you fall asleep one
more time, and you're out on
Look, you fall asleep one
more time, and you're out on
your ass, okay?
More time, and you're out on
your ass, okay?
But I didn't fall asleep.
Your ass, okay?
But I didn't fall asleep.
It just dried too quick.
But I didn't fall asleep.
It just dried too quick.
It caught me off guard.
It just dried too quick.
It caught me off guard.
Okay, guys.
It caught me off guard.
Okay, guys.
Can we get him the hell out of
Okay, guys.
Can we get him the hell out of
here?
Can we get him the hell out of
here?
See you later, boss!
Here?
See you later, boss!
[ Shadowy men on a shadowy
See you later, boss!
[ Shadowy men on a shadowy
planet's "having an average
[ Shadowy men on a shadowy
planet's "having an average
weekend" plays ]
Hi.
Hi.
Uh, usually I don't like to do
Hi.
Uh, usually I don't like to do
this -- comment on a letter
Uh, usually I don't like to do
this -- comment on a letter
we've received.
This -- comment on a letter
we've received.
For me, fan letters are like...
We've received.
For me, fan letters are like...
My friends' girlfriends.
For me, fan letters are like...
My friends' girlfriends.
I like to just look at them,
My friends' girlfriends.
I like to just look at them,
smile, and say nothing.
I like to just look at them,
smile, and say nothing.
But anyway, this one sort of
Smile, and say nothing.
But anyway, this one sort of
caught my eye, so I thought I'd
But anyway, this one sort of
caught my eye, so I thought I'd
share it with you.
Caught my eye, so I thought I'd
share it with you.
"Dear bruce, when I saw you on
Share it with you.
"Dear bruce, when I saw you on
the street the other day -- boy,
"Dear bruce, when I saw you on
the street the other day -- boy,
you sure were small.
The street the other day -- boy,
you sure were small.
I mean, I knew you weren't huge,
You sure were small.
I mean, I knew you weren't huge,
but I never thought you'd be
I mean, I knew you weren't huge,
but I never thought you'd be
smaller than me.
But I never thought you'd be
smaller than me.
Can you explain?
Smaller than me.
Can you explain?
Tara blanchard, age ."
Can you explain?
Tara blanchard, age ."
Well, tara, first of all, I'd
Tara blanchard, age ."
Well, tara, first of all, I'd
like to say that I'm comfortable
Well, tara, first of all, I'd
like to say that I'm comfortable
with my height -- you know,
Like to say that I'm comfortable
with my height -- you know,
average height -- well, slightly
With my height -- you know,
average height -- well, slightly
below average height maybe,
Average height -- well, slightly
below average height maybe,
c- height -- but still I'm
Below average height maybe,
c- height -- but still I'm
comfortable with it.
C- height -- but still I'm
comfortable with it.
I mean, I guess sometimes on tv,
Comfortable with it.
I mean, I guess sometimes on tv,
people look a little bit bigger
I mean, I guess sometimes on tv,
people look a little bit bigger
but...you know, I'm honest
People look a little bit bigger
but...you know, I'm honest
about it.
But...you know, I'm honest
about it.
I guess using honesty as a
About it.
I guess using honesty as a
compass, I'm gonna do something
I guess using honesty as a
compass, I'm gonna do something
that you don't see a lot of my
Compass, I'm gonna do something
that you don't see a lot of my
counterparts do.
That you don't see a lot of my
counterparts do.
I'm actually gonna measure my
Counterparts do.
I'm actually gonna measure my
height right here on tv.
I'm actually gonna measure my
height right here on tv.
Lars, are you still around?
Height right here on tv.
Lars, are you still around?
Lars?
Uh, lars.
Uh, lars.
Lars...would you measure me,
Uh, lars.
Lars...would you measure me,
please?
And how tall am i, lars?
And how tall am i, lars?
Inches.
And how tall am i, lars?
Inches.
Well, I'm not inches!
Inches.
Well, I'm not inches!
Inches, sir.
Well, I'm not inches!
Inches, sir.
Thanks.
Inches, sir.
Thanks.
Right on.
Thanks.
Right on.
I thought I was maybe '",
Right on.
I thought I was maybe '",
but this is some sort of bizarre
I thought I was maybe '",
but this is some sort of bizarre
joke.
But this is some sort of bizarre
joke.
Dave?
Joke.
Dave?
Dave foley's my buddy.
Dave?
Dave foley's my buddy.
Dave, are you around here?
Dave foley's my buddy.
Dave, are you around here?
Uh, y-yeah, bruce?
Dave, are you around here?
Uh, y-yeah, bruce?
What's up?
Uh, y-yeah, bruce?
What's up?
How tall am i, dave?
What's up?
How tall am i, dave?
Oh, I don't know -- ,
How tall am i, dave?
Oh, I don't know -- ,
inches?
Oh, I don't know -- ,
inches?
!
Inches?
!
Hey, okay, little pal.
!
Hey, okay, little pal.
Hey. Calm down, huh?
Hey, okay, little pal.
Hey. Calm down, huh?
Oh, and, uh, bruce, you might
Hey. Calm down, huh?
Oh, and, uh, bruce, you might
want to be careful.
Oh, and, uh, bruce, you might
want to be careful.
I saw a cat in the studio, and
Want to be careful.
I saw a cat in the studio, and
he looked kind of hungry.
I saw a cat in the studio, and
he looked kind of hungry.
Hmm.
[ High-pitched voice ] I'd like
[ High-pitched voice ] I'd like
to thank you, tara, for bringing
[ High-pitched voice ] I'd like
to thank you, tara, for bringing
reality to light.
To thank you, tara, for bringing
reality to light.
I guess I've learned that
Reality to light.
I guess I've learned that
self-image is a weird and
I guess I've learned that
self-image is a weird and
wonderful thing.
Self-image is a weird and
wonderful thing.
Well, back to the show.
Wonderful thing.
Well, back to the show.
[ Meows ]
Well, back to the show.
[ Meows ]
beth, there's a cat in the
[ Meows ]
beth, there's a cat in the
studio.
Beth, there's a cat in the
studio.
What's a cat doing in the
Studio.
What's a cat doing in the
studio, beth?
What's a cat doing in the
studio, beth?
This is bunkum.
Studio, beth?
This is bunkum.
This is bunkum, beth.
Morning, son.
What's in the paper?
What's in the paper?
What's in the paper?
What's in the paper?
What's in the paper?
Earthquaker.
What's in the paper?
Earthquaker.
Earthquaker.
Earthquaker.
Earthquaker.
Whole lot of shakin' goin' on
Earthquaker.
Whole lot of shakin' goin' on
down there.
Whole lot of shakin' goin' on
down there.
Earthquaker.
Down there.
Earthquaker.
What's number one in the
Earthquaker.
What's number one in the
chart-s-s-s?
What's number one in the
chart-s-s-s?
Bell biv devoe.
Chart-s-s-s?
Bell biv devoe.
Bell biv devoe.
Bell biv devoe.
Bell biv devoe.
Number one in the
Bell biv devoe.
Number one in the
chart-s-s-s --
Number one in the
chart-s-s-s --
bell biv devoe.
Chart-s-s-s --
bell biv devoe.
Gonna have some
Bell biv devoe.
Gonna have some
cornflake-s-s-s-s.
Gonna have some
cornflake-s-s-s-s.
Gonna have some
Cornflake-s-s-s-s.
Gonna have some
cornflake-s-s-s-s.
Can't have cornflake-s-s-s-s...
Can't have cornflake-s-s-s-s...
Without a whole lotta milka.
Daddy...
Daddy...
Are you...
Daddy...
Are you...
Okay?
Are you...
Okay?
Doin' okay.
Okay?
Doin' okay.
Got a whole lotta milka.
Doin' okay.
Got a whole lotta milka.
Your mother's cheated on me.
Got a whole lotta milka.
Your mother's cheated on me.
Your mother's cheated on me.
Your mother's cheated on me.
Your mother's cheated on me.
Bell biv devoe.
Your mother's cheated on me.
Bell biv devoe.
Gonna fix the car.
Bell biv devoe.
Gonna fix the car.
Can't fix the car...
Gonna fix the car.
Can't fix the car...
Without a whole lotta milka.
[ Door opens, closes ]
And in conclusion, pursuant
And in conclusion, pursuant
of our correspondence on
And in conclusion, pursuant
of our correspondence on
april the th, I would like to
Of our correspondence on
april the th, I would like to
respond in the affirmative.
April the th, I would like to
respond in the affirmative.
Sincerely yours, et cetera,
Respond in the affirmative.
Sincerely yours, et cetera,
et cetera, et cetera.
Sincerely yours, et cetera,
et cetera, et cetera.
Could you repeat that back to
Et cetera, et cetera.
Could you repeat that back to
me, donna?
Could you repeat that back to
me, donna?
Donna?
Me, donna?
Donna?
What the hell?
Donna?
What the hell?
I forgot to call donna!
What the hell?
I forgot to call donna!
Oh, god, I'll never remember all
I forgot to call donna!
Oh, god, I'll never remember all
that.
Oh, god, I'll never remember all
that.
Donna, get your ass in here!
That.
Donna, get your ass in here!
Sir, I need a raise.
Donna, get your ass in here!
Sir, I need a raise.
Great, donna.
Sir, I need a raise.
Great, donna.
Take this down.
Great, donna.
Take this down.
Dear sirs --
Take this down.
Dear sirs --
no, I'm not donna. I'm greg.
Dear sirs --
no, I'm not donna. I'm greg.
Oh, sorry, greg.
No, I'm not donna. I'm greg.
Oh, sorry, greg.
I always get you and donna
Oh, sorry, greg.
I always get you and donna
confused.
I always get you and donna
confused.
So, it's greg and not donna.
Confused.
So, it's greg and not donna.
Yes.
So, it's greg and not donna.
Yes.
Greg, I'm glad I could be of
Yes.
Greg, I'm glad I could be of
service, and I want you and all
Greg, I'm glad I could be of
service, and I want you and all
my employees to feel free to
Service, and I want you and all
my employees to feel free to
come by and see me whenever
My employees to feel free to
come by and see me whenever
there's a problem.
Come by and see me whenever
there's a problem.
No, that wasn't it, sir.
There's a problem.
No, that wasn't it, sir.
It wasn't?
No, that wasn't it, sir.
It wasn't?
No, sir.
It wasn't?
No, sir.
I -- I want a raise.
No, sir.
I -- I want a raise.
A raise.
I -- I want a raise.
A raise.
Yes.
A raise.
Yes.
Let me think about it.
Yes.
Let me think about it.
No!
Let me think about it.
No!
I'm afraid I can't take no
No!
I'm afraid I can't take no
for an answer, sir.
I'm afraid I can't take no
for an answer, sir.
Well, then, you're asking
For an answer, sir.
Well, then, you're asking
the wrong question.
Well, then, you're asking
the wrong question.
[ Laughs ]
The wrong question.
[ Laughs ]
sir, I really believe that
[ Laughs ]
sir, I really believe that
I've been working very hard and
Sir, I really believe that
I've been working very hard and
that I'm essential to the
I've been working very hard and
that I'm essential to the
success of this company, and I
That I'm essential to the
success of this company, and I
really do think I deserve a
Success of this company, and I
really do think I deserve a
raise.
Really do think I deserve a
raise.
Essential, huh?
Raise.
Essential, huh?
Are you really such a talented
Essential, huh?
Are you really such a talented
comedy writer that you deserve a
Are you really such a talented
comedy writer that you deserve a
raise?
Comedy writer that you deserve a
raise?
Well --
Raise?
Well --
I mean, you wrote this
Well --
I mean, you wrote this
sketch, didn't you?
I mean, you wrote this
sketch, didn't you?
Yes.
Sketch, didn't you?
Yes.
It's got to be the oldest
Yes.
It's got to be the oldest
premise in the world -- a guy
It's got to be the oldest
premise in the world -- a guy
asking his boss for a raise!
Premise in the world -- a guy
asking his boss for a raise!
This really proves your worth to
Asking his boss for a raise!
This really proves your worth to
us here at...
This really proves your worth to
us here at...
Comedy inc.
Us here at...
Comedy inc.
Comedy inc.?!
Comedy inc.
Comedy inc.?!
How'd you come up with that one?
Comedy inc.?!
How'd you come up with that one?
[ Scoffs ]
How'd you come up with that one?
[ Scoffs ]
oh, and what's my name again?
[ Scoffs ]
oh, and what's my name again?
Mr. Picklefeather.
Oh, and what's my name again?
Mr. Picklefeather.
Pardon?
Mr. Picklefeather.
Pardon?
Mr. Picklefeather.
Pardon?
Mr. Picklefeather.
And let me tell you, I just
Mr. Picklefeather.
And let me tell you, I just
love playing the one-dimensional
And let me tell you, I just
love playing the one-dimensional
stereotype that is
Love playing the one-dimensional
stereotype that is
mr. Picklefeather.
Stereotype that is
mr. Picklefeather.
I just love it!
Mr. Picklefeather.
I just love it!
Let me ask you a few questions.
I just love it!
Let me ask you a few questions.
Am I married?
Let me ask you a few questions.
Am I married?
Well -- sure.
Am I married?
Well -- sure.
Do I have any children?
Well -- sure.
Do I have any children?
I don't know.
Do I have any children?
I don't know.
Did I go to college?
I don't know.
Did I go to college?
Am I cut? Am I uncut?
Did I go to college?
Am I cut? Am I uncut?
I don't think it's important
Am I cut? Am I uncut?
I don't think it's important
to the scene.
I don't think it's important
to the scene.
Look, did I exist before
To the scene.
Look, did I exist before
the scene at all?
Look, did I exist before
the scene at all?
I really don't think that
The scene at all?
I really don't think that
affects the scene.
I really don't think that
affects the scene.
If I remember right, don't I
Affects the scene.
If I remember right, don't I
hit you with a pie later on page
If I remember right, don't I
hit you with a pie later on page
?
Hit you with a pie later on page
?
Yes.
?
Yes.
[ Sarcastically ] well,
Yes.
[ Sarcastically ] well,
that's something different.
[ Sarcastically ] well,
that's something different.
Look, I stand by the sketch.
That's something different.
Look, I stand by the sketch.
I think it's very strong.
Look, I stand by the sketch.
I think it's very strong.
I think there's a potential for
I think it's very strong.
I think there's a potential for
a reoccurring character here.
I think there's a potential for
a reoccurring character here.
[ Normal voice ] oh, yeah.
A reoccurring character here.
[ Normal voice ] oh, yeah.
I can see it now -- the "I want
[ Normal voice ] oh, yeah.
I can see it now -- the "I want
a raise" guy.
I can see it now -- the "I want
a raise" guy.
[ Chuckles ]
A raise" guy.
[ Chuckles ]
you see, greg, our budget is
[ Chuckles ]
you see, greg, our budget is
like a pie.
% Of the pie goes to
% Of the pie goes to
research.
% Of the pie goes to
research.
Another % of the pie goes to
Research.
Another % of the pie goes to
promotion.
Another % of the pie goes to
promotion.
Of course, the third quarter --
Promotion.
Of course, the third quarter --
there's development...
Of course, the third quarter --
there's development...
And the last quarter...goes to
There's development...
And the last quarter...goes to
me.
And the last quarter...goes to
me.
All that we have left is the
Me.
All that we have left is the
crumbs, which is what I pay a
All that we have left is the
crumbs, which is what I pay a
worker like you to live on.
You forgot to write an ending,
You forgot to write an ending,
didn't you?
Well, i-i just --
[ Sighs ]
Attention, shoppers.
Attention, shoppers.
That's it.
Attention, shoppers.
That's it.
I just wanted to get your
That's it.
I just wanted to get your
attention.
I just wanted to get your
attention.
It's showtime!
Attention.
It's showtime!
Ha, ha, ha.
It's showtime!
Ha, ha, ha.
What a fine turnout.
Ha, ha, ha.
What a fine turnout.
Welcome to the world of
What a fine turnout.
Welcome to the world of
the gimmel .
Welcome to the world of
the gimmel .
[ Up-tempo instrumental music
The gimmel .
[ Up-tempo instrumental music
plays ]
[ Up-tempo instrumental music
plays ]
come on, give yourselves a hand!
Plays ]
come on, give yourselves a hand!
Come on. You've earned it.
Come on, give yourselves a hand!
Come on. You've earned it.
Now, before I get going, may
Come on. You've earned it.
Now, before I get going, may
I ask a question?
Now, before I get going, may
I ask a question?
Is anybody here from my old high
I ask a question?
Is anybody here from my old high
school at all?
Is anybody here from my old high
school at all?
No?
School at all?
No?
There's just something I wanted
No?
There's just something I wanted
to get off my chest, but it can
There's just something I wanted
to get off my chest, but it can
wait.
To get off my chest, but it can
wait.
Now, lucky for you people,
Wait.
Now, lucky for you people,
the gimmel is the keyboard
Now, lucky for you people,
the gimmel is the keyboard
for the aged.
The gimmel is the keyboard
for the aged.
I bet you two lovely ladies are
For the aged.
I bet you two lovely ladies are
saying to yourself, "my children
I bet you two lovely ladies are
saying to yourself, "my children
have gone, I've outlived my
Saying to yourself, "my children
have gone, I've outlived my
spouse, I'm painfully alone.
Have gone, I've outlived my
spouse, I'm painfully alone.
I sure could use a moroccan
Spouse, I'm painfully alone.
I sure could use a moroccan
b*at."
I sure could use a moroccan
b*at."
Am I right, ladies?
b*at."
Am I right, ladies?
Yeah, of course.
Am I right, ladies?
Yeah, of course.
And with the gimmel , you
Yeah, of course.
And with the gimmel , you
could put a set of wheels on
And with the gimmel , you
could put a set of wheels on
it, use it as a walker, and it
Could put a set of wheels on
it, use it as a walker, and it
becomes a walk-and-play,
It, use it as a walker, and it
becomes a walk-and-play,
walk-and-play.
Becomes a walk-and-play,
walk-and-play.
Attention, shoppers.
Walk-and-play.
Attention, shoppers.
In five minutes, I think I'll
Attention, shoppers.
In five minutes, I think I'll
phone my wife.
In five minutes, I think I'll
phone my wife.
Great.
Phone my wife.
Great.
Now, the gimmel is much
Great.
Now, the gimmel is much
better than its predecessor, the
Now, the gimmel is much
better than its predecessor, the
old gimmel , which I'm not
Better than its predecessor, the
old gimmel , which I'm not
allowed to talk about while
Old gimmel , which I'm not
allowed to talk about while
there's a lawsuit pending, but I
Allowed to talk about while
there's a lawsuit pending, but I
can ask you good people -- how
There's a lawsuit pending, but I
can ask you good people -- how
much better do you think the
Can ask you good people -- how
much better do you think the
gimmel is than the
Much better do you think the
gimmel is than the
gimmel ?
Gimmel is than the
gimmel ?
Well, .
Gimmel ?
Well, .
Seems kind of obvious to me.
Well, .
Seems kind of obvious to me.
[ Chuckles ]
Seems kind of obvious to me.
[ Chuckles ]
now, may I have a volunteer?
[ Chuckles ]
now, may I have a volunteer?
Excuse me, will I do?
Now, may I have a volunteer?
Excuse me, will I do?
[ Crowd gasps ]
Excuse me, will I do?
[ Crowd gasps ]
wow, a united states marine.
[ Crowd gasps ]
wow, a united states marine.
He defended our flag and got
Wow, a united states marine.
He defended our flag and got
paid very little money for doing
He defended our flag and got
paid very little money for doing
it.
Paid very little money for doing
it.
Let's give him a hand.
It.
Let's give him a hand.
Come on.
Let's give him a hand.
Come on.
Get up here, foot soldier.
Come on.
Get up here, foot soldier.
Should he give the gimmel a
Get up here, foot soldier.
Should he give the gimmel a
whirl?
Should he give the gimmel a
whirl?
Yeah.
Whirl?
Yeah.
Of course.
Yeah.
Of course.
All right, I'll give it a
Of course.
All right, I'll give it a
sh*t.
All right, I'll give it a
sh*t.
Wait a second.
sh*t.
Wait a second.
Although I dearly love music, I
Wait a second.
Although I dearly love music, I
can't play a single note on the
Although I dearly love music, I
can't play a single note on the
piano.
Can't play a single note on the
piano.
Not one note?
Piano.
Not one note?
Not one...stranger.
Not one note?
Not one...stranger.
But, friend, the gimmel makes
Not one...stranger.
But, friend, the gimmel makes
it easy.
But, friend, the gimmel makes
it easy.
Well, I don't know, but I
It easy.
Well, I don't know, but I
could sure use a sales pitch.
Well, I don't know, but I
could sure use a sales pitch.
Why don't you chicks come
Could sure use a sales pitch.
Why don't you chicks come
over to our motel room?
Why don't you chicks come
over to our motel room?
Perhaps we'll wash your shirts.
Over to our motel room?
Perhaps we'll wash your shirts.
Hold it, man.
Perhaps we'll wash your shirts.
Hold it, man.
Wrong sales pitch, okay?
Hold it, man.
Wrong sales pitch, okay?
[ Shudders, chuckles ]
Wrong sales pitch, okay?
[ Shudders, chuckles ]
the gimmel is the greatest
[ Shudders, chuckles ]
the gimmel is the greatest
keyboard ever made.
The gimmel is the greatest
keyboard ever made.
That's better.
Keyboard ever made.
That's better.
It does everything but pay
That's better.
It does everything but pay
for itself.
It does everything but pay
for itself.
Whoa.
For itself.
Whoa.
I think so. All right.
Whoa.
I think so. All right.
I'm gonna give it a try.
I think so. All right.
I'm gonna give it a try.
[ Exhales sharply ]
I'm gonna give it a try.
[ Exhales sharply ]
[ blues plays ]
[ Exhales sharply ]
[ blues plays ]
wow!
[ Blues plays ]
wow!
Ho ho!
Wow!
Ho ho!
Wow.
Ho ho!
Wow.
That was so very easy.
Wow.
That was so very easy.
Hey, do you mind if I tell a
That was so very easy.
Hey, do you mind if I tell a
story?
Hey, do you mind if I tell a
story?
Would you, foot soldier?
Story?
Would you, foot soldier?
Sure.
Would you, foot soldier?
Sure.
You know, when I was in the
Sure.
You know, when I was in the
gulf --
You know, when I was in the
gulf --
good w*r.
Gulf --
good w*r.
Great w*r.
Good w*r.
Great w*r.
Well, one day, while I was
Great w*r.
Well, one day, while I was
defending our american
Well, one day, while I was
defending our american
freedom --
Defending our american
freedom --
like the right to shop for
Freedom --
like the right to shop for
large-ticket items?
Like the right to shop for
large-ticket items?
Exactly.
Large-ticket items?
Exactly.
Well, to make a long story
Exactly.
Well, to make a long story
short, one night I found myself
Well, to make a long story
short, one night I found myself
holding a...dying soldier in my
Short, one night I found myself
holding a...dying soldier in my
arms.
Holding a...dying soldier in my
arms.
A dying soldier?
Arms.
A dying soldier?
Jeez, that's the very worst
A dying soldier?
Jeez, that's the very worst
kind.
Jeez, that's the very worst
kind.
Yes, it is.
Kind.
Yes, it is.
And he said to me, "if I die
Yes, it is.
And he said to me, "if I die
tonight, at my funeral, please
And he said to me, "if I die
tonight, at my funeral, please
play bruce springsteen's
Tonight, at my funeral, please
play bruce springsteen's
'born in the usa' and play it on
Play bruce springsteen's
'born in the usa' and play it on
a gimmel ."
'Born in the usa' and play it on
a gimmel ."
[ Instrumental "born in the usa"
A gimmel ."
[ Instrumental "born in the usa"
plays ]
[ Instrumental "born in the usa"
plays ]
I think general schwarzkopf
Plays ]
I think general schwarzkopf
would want you to make a sale
I think general schwarzkopf
would want you to make a sale
now.
Would want you to make a sale
now.
Aye, aye, soldier.
Now.
Aye, aye, soldier.
May I have a volunteer?
Aye, aye, soldier.
May I have a volunteer?
There's one right there.
May I have a volunteer?
There's one right there.
Oh, no, I don't think so.
There's one right there.
Oh, no, I don't think so.
Well, I volunteered for my
Oh, no, I don't think so.
Well, I volunteered for my
country.
Well, I volunteered for my
country.
Oh, I don't think so, young
Country.
Oh, I don't think so, young
man.
Oh, I don't think so, young
man.
There you go.
Man.
There you go.
Have a seat.
There you go.
Have a seat.
[ Chuckles ]
Have a seat.
[ Chuckles ]
well, I'd love to, but my arms
[ Chuckles ]
well, I'd love to, but my arms
don't work.
Well, I'd love to, but my arms
don't work.
Oh, that's not a problem.
Don't work.
Oh, that's not a problem.
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
Oh, that's not a problem.
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
wow!
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
wow!
Now, that is what I call good
Wow!
Now, that is what I call good
music!
Now, that is what I call good
music!
[ Music stops ]
Music!
[ Music stops ]
thank you.
[ Music stops ]
thank you.
So, I guess you'll buy it.
Thank you.
So, I guess you'll buy it.
Oh, no, I don't want it.
So, I guess you'll buy it.
Oh, no, I don't want it.
Ah, but you have to buy it.
Oh, no, I don't want it.
Ah, but you have to buy it.
You touched it.
Ah, but you have to buy it.
You touched it.
Oh, but I really don't want
Oh, but I really don't want
it.
Hey, do we put back a cookie
It.
Hey, do we put back a cookie
that we've touched, folks?
Hey, do we put back a cookie
that we've touched, folks?
No.
That we've touched, folks?
No.
Great.
No.
Great.
So, while the soldier is writing
Great.
So, while the soldier is writing
up the sale, may I ask the rest
So, while the soldier is writing
up the sale, may I ask the rest
of you -- do you know if there's
Up the sale, may I ask the rest
of you -- do you know if there's
a vd clinic in town at all?
Of you -- do you know if there's
a vd clinic in town at all?
Attention, shoppers.
A vd clinic in town at all?
Attention, shoppers.
Free food for anyone over in
Attention, shoppers.
Free food for anyone over in
the bin behind safeway.
Free food for anyone over in
the bin behind safeway.
I can't believe it.
The bin behind safeway.
I can't believe it.
We didn't make one f*cking sale.
I can't believe it.
We didn't make one f*cking sale.
You know what would cheer me
We didn't make one f*cking sale.
You know what would cheer me
up?
You know what would cheer me
up?
If we went over to the chinese
Up?
If we went over to the chinese
red hut restaurant, did a little
If we went over to the chinese
red hut restaurant, did a little
dine and dash.
Red hut restaurant, did a little
dine and dash.
What do you say?
Dine and dash.
What do you say?
I'll get my runners.
What do you say?
I'll get my runners.
I'll go get the menu.
[ Thinking ] "dearest" --
[ Thinking ] "dearest" --
what's my wife's name?
[ Thinking ] "dearest" --
what's my wife's name?
Olive?
What's my wife's name?
Olive?
Olive picklefeather?
Olive?
Olive picklefeather?
[ Thinking ] "dearest olive,
Olive picklefeather?
[ Thinking ] "dearest olive,
it's been days now since the
[ Thinking ] "dearest olive,
it's been days now since the
sketch began, and there seems to
It's been days now since the
sketch began, and there seems to
be no end in sight.
Sketch began, and there seems to
be no end in sight.
We're running drastically low on
Be no end in sight.
We're running drastically low on
supplies.
We're running drastically low on
supplies.
We only have enough fresh water
Supplies.
We only have enough fresh water
for another day...and we
We only have enough fresh water
for another day...and we
finished the last of the pie
For another day...and we
finished the last of the pie
days ago.
Finished the last of the pie
days ago.
If I should never see you again,
Days ago.
If I should never see you again,
I hope that you find this letter
If I should never see you again,
I hope that you find this letter
and will know my last thoughts
I hope that you find this letter
and will know my last thoughts
were of you.
And will know my last thoughts
were of you.
Love" --
Were of you.
Love" --
buford?
Love" --
buford?
"Buford picklefeather."
Buford?
"Buford picklefeather."
They say that behind every
"Buford picklefeather."
They say that behind every
great man there's a woman, and
They say that behind every
great man there's a woman, and
behind every great lady, there's
Great man there's a woman, and
behind every great lady, there's
a preening f*g.
Behind every great lady, there's
a preening f*g.
Let me just say, I've had my
A preening f*g.
Let me just say, I've had my
finger in a few pies.
Let me just say, I've had my
finger in a few pies.
Remember her?
Finger in a few pies.
Remember her?
But she's getting a little
Remember her?
But she's getting a little
tired.
But she's getting a little
tired.
So?
Tired.
So?
It's onto bigger and blonder
So?
It's onto bigger and blonder
things.
It's onto bigger and blonder
things.
And just last week, I was in a
Things.
And just last week, I was in a
mcdonald's, for the cruising,
And just last week, I was in a
mcdonald's, for the cruising,
and who should I see behind the
Mcdonald's, for the cruising,
and who should I see behind the
counter, but my destiny, a
And who should I see behind the
counter, but my destiny, a
sullen little malcontent
Counter, but my destiny, a
sullen little malcontent
grudgingly making french fries
Sullen little malcontent
grudgingly making french fries
for a unsympathetic world.
Grudgingly making french fries
for a unsympathetic world.
So, I ordered some.
For a unsympathetic world.
So, I ordered some.
And when I heard her say,
So, I ordered some.
And when I heard her say,
"mr. Cole, would you like a
And when I heard her say,
"mr. Cole, would you like a
bever-age with that?" I knew
"Mr. Cole, would you like a
bever-age with that?" I knew
that I had found my
Bever-age with that?" I knew
that I had found my
eliza doolittle.
That I had found my
eliza doolittle.
Underneath that paper hat lay
Eliza doolittle.
Underneath that paper hat lay
unlimited pop potential and
Underneath that paper hat lay
unlimited pop potential and
tremendous hair!
Unlimited pop potential and
tremendous hair!
You've probably heard of her,
Tremendous hair!
You've probably heard of her,
popular music's latest singing
You've probably heard of her,
popular music's latest singing
sensation and role model for
Popular music's latest singing
sensation and role model for
teenage girls and fags
Sensation and role model for
teenage girls and fags
everywhere -- tammy!
Teenage girls and fags
everywhere -- tammy!
[ Dance music plays ]
Everywhere -- tammy!
[ Dance music plays ]
♪ segregation ♪
[ Dance music plays ]
♪ segregation ♪
♪ penetration ♪
♪ Segregation ♪
♪ penetration ♪
♪ indignation ♪
♪ Penetration ♪
♪ indignation ♪
♪ and dance ♪
♪ Indignation ♪
♪ and dance ♪
♪ and dance ♪
♪ And dance ♪
♪ and dance ♪
♪ ooh ooh ♪
♪ And dance ♪
♪ ooh ooh ♪
♪ mm mm ♪
♪ Ooh ooh ♪
♪ mm mm ♪
♪ unh-unh ♪
♪ Mm mm ♪
♪ unh-unh ♪
♪ unh-unh ♪
♪ Unh-unh ♪
♪ unh-unh ♪
♪ segregation ♪
♪ Unh-unh ♪
♪ segregation ♪
♪ hibernation ♪
♪ Segregation ♪
♪ hibernation ♪
♪ penetration ♪
♪ Hibernation ♪
♪ penetration ♪
♪ across the nation ♪
♪ Penetration ♪
♪ across the nation ♪
♪ indian nation ♪
♪ Across the nation ♪
♪ indian nation ♪
♪ and dance ♪
♪ Indian nation ♪
♪ and dance ♪
♪ and dance ♪
♪ And dance ♪
♪ and dance ♪
♪ dance! ♪
♪ And dance ♪
♪ dance! ♪
Heavy, eh?
♪ Dance! ♪
Heavy, eh?
The unfortunate part of her
Heavy, eh?
The unfortunate part of her
overnight success is that now
The unfortunate part of her
overnight success is that now
that people have heard her sing,
Overnight success is that now
that people have heard her sing,
they want to hear her talk, so I
That people have heard her sing,
they want to hear her talk, so I
invited my pop-media cronies
They want to hear her talk, so I
invited my pop-media cronies
over for a good, old-fashioned
Invited my pop-media cronies
over for a good, old-fashioned
press conference.
Over for a good, old-fashioned
press conference.
But I'm going to have to help
Press conference.
But I'm going to have to help
her out because, well, she's a
But I'm going to have to help
her out because, well, she's a
little young, a little nervous,
Her out because, well, she's a
little young, a little nervous,
and really stupid.
Little young, a little nervous,
and really stupid.
Oh, mm...yes.
And really stupid.
Oh, mm...yes.
[ Gasps ]
Oh, mm...yes.
[ Gasps ]
you look gorgeous.
[ Gasps ]
you look gorgeous.
Tammy, I'd love to introduce you
You look gorgeous.
Tammy, I'd love to introduce you
to the ladies and gentlemen of
Tammy, I'd love to introduce you
to the ladies and gentlemen of
the press.
To the ladies and gentlemen of
the press.
Hi, tammy!
The press.
Hi, tammy!
Hi.
Hi, tammy!
Hi.
Oh!
Hi.
Oh!
Oh, they are so nice.
Oh!
Oh, they are so nice.
Well, you're obviously in good
Oh, they are so nice.
Well, you're obviously in good
hands, so I'm just going to
Well, you're obviously in good
hands, so I'm just going to
boojy-woojy over here behind
Hands, so I'm just going to
boojy-woojy over here behind
this curtain, okay?
Boojy-woojy over here behind
this curtain, okay?
Break a gam.
This curtain, okay?
Break a gam.
She's all yours.
Break a gam.
She's all yours.
Tammy! Tammy!
She's all yours.
Tammy! Tammy!
Tammy!
Tammy! Tammy!
Tammy!
Tammy, tammy!
Tammy!
Tammy, tammy!
Tammy, I have a question.
Tammy, tammy!
Tammy, I have a question.
Tammy, over here!
Tammy, I have a question.
Tammy, over here!
I have a question, tammy!
Tammy, over here!
I have a question, tammy!
Tammy, could I please -- tammy!
I have a question, tammy!
Tammy, could I please -- tammy!
Do you have a boyfriend, tammy?
Tammy, could I please -- tammy!
Do you have a boyfriend, tammy?
No.
Do you have a boyfriend, tammy?
No.
I'm too busy with my career to
No.
I'm too busy with my career to
worry about boys.
I'm too busy with my career to
worry about boys.
There'll be plenty of time for
Worry about boys.
There'll be plenty of time for
boys after I get married.
There'll be plenty of time for
boys after I get married.
Next question.
Boys after I get married.
Next question.
Tammy, tammy!
Next question.
Tammy, tammy!
Tammy, tammy!
Tammy, tammy!
Tammy, tammy!
Tammy?
Tammy, tammy!
Tammy?
Being a 's woman is rough.
Tammy?
Being a 's woman is rough.
I mean, there are so many
Being a 's woman is rough.
I mean, there are so many
controversies over makeup.
I mean, there are so many
controversies over makeup.
What are your feelings on that?
Controversies over makeup.
What are your feelings on that?
Mm-hmm...mm-hmm.
What are your feelings on that?
Mm-hmm...mm-hmm.
Yes.
Mm-hmm...mm-hmm.
Yes.
Well, I feel that makeup is an
Yes.
Well, I feel that makeup is an
individual woman's decision, and
Well, I feel that makeup is an
individual woman's decision, and
that the state should never be
Individual woman's decision, and
that the state should never be
involved.
That the state should never be
involved.
Next question.
Involved.
Next question.
Tammy, what do you feel about
Next question.
Tammy, what do you feel about
the gulf w*r?
Tammy, what do you feel about
the gulf w*r?
Gossip.
The gulf w*r?
Gossip.
Although once I was in S*ddam's
Gossip.
Although once I was in S*ddam's
tent, and I said, "S*ddam, what
Although once I was in S*ddam's
tent, and I said, "S*ddam, what
is it you really want?"
Tent, and I said, "S*ddam, what
is it you really want?"
And he said, "kuwait."
Is it you really want?"
And he said, "kuwait."
And I said, "no, I can't wait."
And he said, "kuwait."
And I said, "no, I can't wait."
And then the coziest little
And I said, "no, I can't wait."
And then the coziest little
sandstorm started.
And then the coziest little
sandstorm started.
Tammy, why do you sound like
Sandstorm started.
Tammy, why do you sound like
your manager?
Tammy, why do you sound like
your manager?
I've got a cold...sort of a
Your manager?
I've got a cold...sort of a
cold, sort of a flu.
I've got a cold...sort of a
cold, sort of a flu.
You know, like sort of --
Cold, sort of a flu.
You know, like sort of --
ah!
You know, like sort of --
ah!
Ignore the man behind the
Ah!
Ignore the man behind the
curtain.
Ignore the man behind the
curtain.
I am the great and powerful
Curtain.
I am the great and powerful
tammy, singing sensation.
I am the great and powerful
tammy, singing sensation.
Hey, it's that middle-aged
Tammy, singing sensation.
Hey, it's that middle-aged
woman again!
Hey, it's that middle-aged
woman again!
Boo!
Woman again!
Boo!
Boo!
Boo!
Boo!
We want to hear tammy talk!
Boo!
We want to hear tammy talk!
Let tammy speak!
We want to hear tammy talk!
Let tammy speak!
Let her speak.
Let tammy speak!
Let her speak.
Let her speak!
Let her speak.
Let her speak!
We want tammy to talk!
Let her speak!
We want tammy to talk!
Fine.
We want tammy to talk!
Fine.
Just like boy george.
Fine.
Just like boy george.
Tammy, tammy!
Just like boy george.
Tammy, tammy!
Tammy!
Tammy, tammy!
Tammy!
Tammy, tammy!
Tammy!
Tammy, tammy!
Where do you get your ideas,
Tammy, tammy!
Where do you get your ideas,
tammy?
Where do you get your ideas,
tammy?
I think them up?
Tammy?
I think them up?
Okay.
I think them up?
Okay.
Tammy, what's your stand on
Okay.
Tammy, what's your stand on
abortion?
Tammy, what's your stand on
abortion?
Never on the first date.
Abortion?
Never on the first date.
Tammy?
Never on the first date.
Tammy?
Tammy, how do you feel about
Tammy?
Tammy, how do you feel about
the cr*ck epidemic?
Tammy, how do you feel about
the cr*ck epidemic?
Still?
The cr*ck epidemic?
Still?
Tammy, is it true a monkey
Still?
Tammy, is it true a monkey
directed you...
Tammy, is it true a monkey
directed you...
Tammy, I want to know
Directed you...
Tammy, I want to know
something.
Tammy, I want to know
something.
If you were going to be...
Something.
If you were going to be...
Stop it!
If you were going to be...
Stop it!
What were you doing?
Stop it!
What were you doing?
What --
What were you doing?
What --
you're tearing me apart.
What --
you're tearing me apart.
One question at a time, please.
You're tearing me apart.
One question at a time, please.
You.
One question at a time, please.
You.
If there was one bit of
You.
If there was one bit of
advice you would give to the
If there was one bit of
advice you would give to the
youth of today, what would it
Advice you would give to the
youth of today, what would it
be?
Youth of today, what would it
be?
Dance!
Be?
Dance!
♪ Segregation ♪
Dance!
♪ Segregation ♪
♪ penetration ♪
♪ Segregation ♪
♪ penetration ♪
well, I guess she doesn't
♪ Penetration ♪
well, I guess she doesn't
need me anymore.
Well, I guess she doesn't
need me anymore.
She's all grown up.
Need me anymore.
She's all grown up.
It reminds me of the time that I
She's all grown up.
It reminds me of the time that I
was having sex with
It reminds me of the time that I
was having sex with
charles manson in front of the
Was having sex with
charles manson in front of the
television, and squeaky said,
Charles manson in front of the
television, and squeaky said,
"would you two sit down up
Television, and squeaky said,
"would you two sit down up
there?
"Would you two sit down up
there?
You make a better door than a
There?
You make a better door than a
window."
You make a better door than a
window."
We're off.
Window."
We're off.
Goodbye, tammy!
We're off.
Goodbye, tammy!
It's been wonderful!
Goodbye, tammy!
It's been wonderful!
Au revoir, everybody!
It's been wonderful!
Au revoir, everybody!
Goodbye!
Au revoir, everybody!
Goodbye!
Goodbye!
Goodbye!
Goodbye!
♪ Dance ♪
Goodbye!
♪ Dance ♪
[ shadowy men on a shadowy
♪ Dance ♪
[ shadowy men on a shadowy
planet's "having an average
[ Shadowy men on a shadowy
planet's "having an average
weekend" plays ]
03x03 - Episode 3
Watch/Buy Amazon
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.