Okay, chad, I've heard both
Okay, chad, I've heard both
your parents' stories now, but
Okay, chad, I've heard both
your parents' stories now, but
you're a big boy, you're , and
Your parents' stories now, but
you're a big boy, you're , and
I think you're big enough to
You're a big boy, you're , and
I think you're big enough to
make a big decision.
I think you're big enough to
make a big decision.
Now, do you want to live with
Make a big decision.
Now, do you want to live with
your mommy...
Now, do you want to live with
your mommy...
Pick me, chad.
Your mommy...
Pick me, chad.
Come on, chad, pick your mother.
Pick me, chad.
Come on, chad, pick your mother.
You owe your mother.
Come on, chad, pick your mother.
You owe your mother.
]]...or your daddy?
You owe your mother.
]]...or your daddy?
Pick her.
]]...or your daddy?
Pick her.
It's hard.
Pick her.
It's hard.
They both love me so much.
It's hard.
They both love me so much.
Yeah, I know, but, chad, we
They both love me so much.
Yeah, I know, but, chad, we
have to come to a decision.
Yeah, I know, but, chad, we
have to come to a decision.
Now, do you want to live with
Have to come to a decision.
Now, do you want to live with
your mommy or your daddy?
Now, do you want to live with
your mommy or your daddy?
Or this glamorous movie star?
Your mommy or your daddy?
Or this glamorous movie star?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Or this glamorous movie star?
[ Cheers and applause ]
the movie star.
[ Cheers and applause ]
the movie star.
I think you made the right
The movie star.
I think you made the right
choice.
I think you made the right
choice.
Oh, chad!
Choice.
Oh, chad!
[ Rock music plays ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Good evening.
Good evening.
I am sir simon milligan, and
Good evening.
I am sir simon milligan, and
welcome one more time to the pit
I am sir simon milligan, and
welcome one more time to the pit
of ultimate darkness...
Welcome one more time to the pit
of ultimate darkness...
Tonight, conveniently located at
Of ultimate darkness...
Tonight, conveniently located at
carlos italian eatery.
Tonight, conveniently located at
carlos italian eatery.
Carlos is famous for its fine
Carlos italian eatery.
Carlos is famous for its fine
foods, its genuine italian
Carlos is famous for its fine
foods, its genuine italian
atmosphere, and its capacity for
Foods, its genuine italian
atmosphere, and its capacity for
evil.
Atmosphere, and its capacity for
evil.
Oh, waiter, waiter.
Evil.
Oh, waiter, waiter.
See, evil!
Oh, waiter, waiter.
See, evil!
Evil part-timer!
See, evil!
Evil part-timer!
Evil waiter will receive an
Evil part-timer!
Evil waiter will receive an
unholy tip.
Evil waiter will receive an
unholy tip.
Tonight I am joined for my
Unholy tip.
Tonight I am joined for my
dinner of doom by one
Tonight I am joined for my
dinner of doom by one
miss helen bathgate.
Dinner of doom by one
miss helen bathgate.
Well, thank you for inviting
Miss helen bathgate.
Well, thank you for inviting
me.
Well, thank you for inviting
me.
I'm having a wonderful --
Me.
I'm having a wonderful --
tell me, helen, do you like
I'm having a wonderful --
tell me, helen, do you like
lobster?
Tell me, helen, do you like
lobster?
Yes, I love lobster.
Lobster?
Yes, I love lobster.
Do they serve them here?
Yes, I love lobster.
Do they serve them here?
No.
Do they serve them here?
No.
Well, let's see what they do
No.
Well, let's see what they do
have then.
Well, let's see what they do
have then.
Helen, may I assume that your
Have then.
Helen, may I assume that your
last boyfriend was a bastard?
Helen, may I assume that your
last boyfriend was a bastard?
Yes.
Last boyfriend was a bastard?
Yes.
Yes, then tell me about him.
Yes.
Yes, then tell me about him.
Well, he had a cabbage for a
Yes, then tell me about him.
Well, he had a cabbage for a
head.
Well, he had a cabbage for a
head.
You know, helen, I'm not like
Head.
You know, helen, I'm not like
other men.
You know, helen, I'm not like
other men.
Really?
Other men.
Really?
Yes.
Really?
Yes.
Although I am the gatekeeper to
Yes.
Although I am the gatekeeper to
the boys' club that is the
Although I am the gatekeeper to
the boys' club that is the
underworld, I am sensitive to a
The boys' club that is the
underworld, I am sensitive to a
woman's needs.
Underworld, I am sensitive to a
woman's needs.
And I walk alone along the path
Woman's needs.
And I walk alone along the path
of evil.
And I walk alone along the path
of evil.
Like johnny cash.
Of evil.
Like johnny cash.
Sure, that'll work.
Like johnny cash.
Sure, that'll work.
Like johnny cash.
Sure, that'll work.
Like johnny cash.
But, helen, still I have my
Like johnny cash.
But, helen, still I have my
wants.
But, helen, still I have my
wants.
I have my needs.
Wants.
I have my needs.
I have your rash cream,
I have my needs.
I have your rash cream,
master.
I have your rash cream,
master.
Oh, I'm sorry, have I come at a
Master.
Oh, I'm sorry, have I come at a
bad time?
Oh, I'm sorry, have I come at a
bad time?
Helen bathgate, hecubus,
Bad time?
Helen bathgate, hecubus,
spawn of satan.
Helen bathgate, hecubus,
spawn of satan.
Hecubus, spawn of satan,
Spawn of satan.
Hecubus, spawn of satan,
helen bathgate.
Hecubus, spawn of satan,
helen bathgate.
Will your friend be joining
Helen bathgate.
Will your friend be joining
us?
Will your friend be joining
us?
Oh, I'm sure he's busy -- a
Us?
Oh, I'm sure he's busy -- a
garage sale in hell or
Oh, I'm sure he's busy -- a
garage sale in hell or
something...
Garage sale in hell or
something...
No, I'm free.
Something...
No, I'm free.
Evil!
No, I'm free.
Evil!
Yes.
Evil!
Yes.
So, helen, I suppose you and
Yes.
So, helen, I suppose you and
I should order now.
So, helen, I suppose you and
I should order now.
Yes, I really love italian
I should order now.
Yes, I really love italian
food, which is odd, don't you
Yes, I really love italian
food, which is odd, don't you
think, 'cause I really hate
Food, which is odd, don't you
think, 'cause I really hate
those dirty wops.
Think, 'cause I really hate
those dirty wops.
Master, she is quite clearly
Those dirty wops.
Master, she is quite clearly
a bigot.
Master, she is quite clearly
a bigot.
Yes, and yet I do want to
A bigot.
Yes, and yet I do want to
sleep with her.
Yes, and yet I do want to
sleep with her.
What to do?
Sleep with her.
What to do?
What to do?
What to do?
What to do?
What to do?
What to do?
What to do?
What to do?
What to do?
What to do?
What...
What to do?
What...
Yes, helen, those dirty dagos
What...
Yes, helen, those dirty dagos
bother me, as well.
Yes, helen, those dirty dagos
bother me, as well.
[ Laughs ]
Bother me, as well.
[ Laughs ]
and he really hates the irish,
[ Laughs ]
and he really hates the irish,
too.
And he really hates the irish,
too.
Yes, the cobra-eating
Too.
Yes, the cobra-eating
bastards.
Yes, the cobra-eating
bastards.
Well, I find that very
Bastards.
Well, I find that very
insulting because my father is
Well, I find that very
insulting because my father is
irish.
Insulting because my father is
irish.
Oh.
Irish.
Oh.
Well, he hates the drunken mix.
Oh.
Well, he hates the drunken mix.
Yes.
Well, he hates the drunken mix.
Yes.
Drunken mix.
Yes.
Drunken mix.
Well, he's been going to aa
Drunken mix.
Well, he's been going to aa
for four years.
Well, he's been going to aa
for four years.
He is trying.
For four years.
He is trying.
Wait, my irish rose!
He is trying.
Wait, my irish rose!
What?
Wait, my irish rose!
What?
Helen, what do you think the
What?
Helen, what do you think the
odds are of you and I doing it?
Helen, what do you think the
odds are of you and I doing it?
I don't think the odds are
Odds are of you and I doing it?
I don't think the odds are
very good.
I don't think the odds are
very good.
Then you'll be surprised to
Very good.
Then you'll be surprised to
find out that you and I will be
Then you'll be surprised to
find out that you and I will be
doing it.
Find out that you and I will be
doing it.
What?!
Doing it.
What?!
Hecubus!
What?!
Hecubus!
Helen bathgate, you are a victim
Hecubus!
Helen bathgate, you are a victim
of the zombie dust of haiti.
Helen bathgate, you are a victim
of the zombie dust of haiti.
I command you to embrace me.
Of the zombie dust of haiti.
I command you to embrace me.
Stroke your fingers through my
I command you to embrace me.
Stroke your fingers through my
hair and kiss my pouty lips.
Stroke your fingers through my
hair and kiss my pouty lips.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hair and kiss my pouty lips.
[ Cheers and applause ]
hecubus, that wasn't the zombie
[ Cheers and applause ]
hecubus, that wasn't the zombie
dust of haiti, was it?
Hecubus, that wasn't the zombie
dust of haiti, was it?
No, master, it was common
Dust of haiti, was it?
No, master, it was common
talcum powder.
No, master, it was common
talcum powder.
Speed thee to hell!
Talcum powder.
Speed thee to hell!
You're angry, aren't you,
Speed thee to hell!
You're angry, aren't you,
master?
You're angry, aren't you,
master?
No, hecubus, just profoundly
Master?
No, hecubus, just profoundly
sexually frustrated.
No, hecubus, just profoundly
sexually frustrated.
You see, hecubus, tonight evil
Sexually frustrated.
You see, hecubus, tonight evil
sleeps alone.
You see, hecubus, tonight evil
sleeps alone.
But first he walks alone...
Sleeps alone.
But first he walks alone...
To a magazine shop to purchase
But first he walks alone...
To a magazine shop to purchase
p*rn.
To a magazine shop to purchase
p*rn.
But cheer up, master.
p*rn.
But cheer up, master.
Remember that masturbation is a
But cheer up, master.
Remember that masturbation is a
sin.
Remember that masturbation is a
sin.
Yes, and that's a little
Sin.
Yes, and that's a little
evil.
Yes, and that's a little
evil.
Yes, a little, tiny,
Evil.
Yes, a little, tiny,
pathetic...
Yes, a little, tiny,
pathetic...
Little bit of evil.
Pathetic...
Little bit of evil.
Tiny bit of evil.
Little bit of evil.
Tiny bit of evil.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Sobbing ]
[ Sobbing ]
you don't understand me!
[ Sobbing ]
you don't understand me!
You don't understand me.
You don't understand me!
You don't understand me.
I'm leaving home!
You don't understand me.
I'm leaving home!
Hey.
I'm leaving home!
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, bruce!
Hey.
Hey, bruce!
[ Chuckling ]
Hey, bruce!
[ Chuckling ]
nice to meet you.
[ Chuckling ]
nice to meet you.
You know, people say I look
Nice to meet you.
You know, people say I look
like you.
You know, people say I look
like you.
Really?
Like you.
Really?
They tell me that all the
Really?
They tell me that all the
time.
They tell me that all the
time.
Oh, that's, uh, that's great.
Time.
Oh, that's, uh, that's great.
You know, I feel like I'm
Oh, that's, uh, that's great.
You know, I feel like I'm
looking in a mirror.
You know, I feel like I'm
looking in a mirror.
Uh, I don't see it.
Looking in a mirror.
Uh, I don't see it.
You don't?
Uh, I don't see it.
You don't?
No, I'm sorry.
You don't?
No, I'm sorry.
Anyway, listen, bruce, one
No, I'm sorry.
Anyway, listen, bruce, one
question.
Anyway, listen, bruce, one
question.
Do you have a horny little devil
Question.
Do you have a horny little devil
tattooed on your arm about, oh,
Do you have a horny little devil
tattooed on your arm about, oh,
yea big?
Tattooed on your arm about, oh,
yea big?
Uh, no, I don't have a horny
Yea big?
Uh, no, I don't have a horny
little devil tattoo.
Uh, no, I don't have a horny
little devil tattoo.
That's one way we can tell us
Little devil tattoo.
That's one way we can tell us
apart, right?
That's one way we can tell us
apart, right?
Yeah, I guess so.
Apart, right?
Yeah, I guess so.
Anyway, it was great meeting
Yeah, I guess so.
Anyway, it was great meeting
you, and take care.
Anyway, it was great meeting
you, and take care.
Hey.
You, and take care.
Hey.
You wouldn't want to go and play
Hey.
You wouldn't want to go and play
a trick on my wife, would you?
You wouldn't want to go and play
a trick on my wife, would you?
She would be so --
A trick on my wife, would you?
She would be so --
no, I uh, see, I actually
She would be so --
no, I uh, see, I actually
don't think we look alike.
No, I uh, see, I actually
don't think we look alike.
Really? How so?
Don't think we look alike.
Really? How so?
Well, for one thing, I'm not
Really? How so?
Well, for one thing, I'm not
a big, fat...bald guy.
Well, for one thing, I'm not
a big, fat...bald guy.
Well, not yet.
A big, fat...bald guy.
Well, not yet.
]]...i want you to know that I
Well, not yet.
]]...i want you to know that I
meant it.
]]...i want you to know that I
meant it.
[ Audience laughs faintly ]
Meant it.
[ Audience laughs faintly ]
but not as much as you think I
[ Audience laughs faintly ]
but not as much as you think I
did.
But not as much as you think I
did.
[ Chuckles ]
Did.
[ Chuckles ]
see ya.
Mrs. Saunders?
Mrs. Saunders?
Oh.
Mrs. Saunders?
Oh.
Mrs. Saunders.
Oh.
Mrs. Saunders.
Get.
Mrs. Saunders.
Get.
Mmm.
[ Whistles ]
[ Whistles ]
[ speaking indistinctly ]
[ Whistles ]
[ speaking indistinctly ]
shh!
[ Chuckles ]
[ Chuckles ]
[ whistles ]
[ Whistling ]
[ Whistling ]
Mr. Abrams?
Mr. Abrams?
Mr. Abrams.
Mr. Abrams?
Mr. Abrams.
Ohh.
Mr. Abrams.
Ohh.
That's me.
Ohh.
That's me.
What's your...?
That's me.
What's your...?
[ Scoffs ]
What's your...?
[ Scoffs ]
[ mockingly ] what's your...?
[ Scoffs ]
[ mockingly ] what's your...?
[ Scoffs ]
[ Mockingly ] what's your...?
[ Scoffs ]
what's your...?
[ Scoffs ]
what's your...?
[ Whines ]
What's your...?
[ Whines ]
what's your...?
[ Whines ]
what's your...?
[ Whines ]
What's your...?
[ Whines ]
what's your...?
[ Whines ]
what's your...?
[ Whines ]
What's your...?
[ Whines ]
what's your...?
[ Whines ]
what's your...?
Shh! Shh! Shh!
What's your...?
Shh! Shh! Shh!
Shh!
Shh! Shh! Shh!
Shh!
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'm all in favor of certain
I'm all in favor of certain
people having their own, you
I'm all in favor of certain
people having their own, you
know, lifestyle, but why did
People having their own, you
know, lifestyle, but why did
they have to take the word
Know, lifestyle, but why did
they have to take the word
"gay?"
They have to take the word
"gay?"
It's such a lovely word.
"Gay?"
It's such a lovely word.
They've robbed the english
It's such a lovely word.
They've robbed the english
language of a beautiful word.
They've robbed the english
language of a beautiful word.
I mean, now if I say to one of
Language of a beautiful word.
I mean, now if I say to one of
my friends or one of my friends
I mean, now if I say to one of
my friends or one of my friends
asks me, "how's your son or
My friends or one of my friends
asks me, "how's your son or
daughter feeling?"
Asks me, "how's your son or
daughter feeling?"
And I say, "oh, they're feeling
Daughter feeling?"
And I say, "oh, they're feeling
gay," it's a scandal.
And I say, "oh, they're feeling
gay," it's a scandal.
I've had to stop using the word
Gay," it's a scandal.
I've had to stop using the word
altogether.
I've had to stop using the word
altogether.
Oh, so they've taken "gay" away
Altogether.
Oh, so they've taken "gay" away
from us.
Oh, so they've taken "gay" away
from us.
What was wrong with "pervert?"
From us.
What was wrong with "pervert?"
[ Laughter ]
What was wrong with "pervert?"
[ Laughter ]
you can't use the word "f*gg*t"
[ Laughter ]
you can't use the word "f*gg*t"
anymore, either.
You can't use the word "f*gg*t"
anymore, either.
It used to be a lovely bundle of
Anymore, either.
It used to be a lovely bundle of
sticks.
It used to be a lovely bundle of
sticks.
On cold winter's nights, you'd
Sticks.
On cold winter's nights, you'd
throw another f*gg*t on the
On cold winter's nights, you'd
throw another f*gg*t on the
fire.
Throw another f*gg*t on the
fire.
[ Laughter ]
Fire.
[ Laughter ]
oh.
[ Laughter ]
oh.
But now they work in restaurants
Oh.
But now they work in restaurants
making your salads, being snotty
But now they work in restaurants
making your salads, being snotty
and still expecting %.
Making your salads, being snotty
and still expecting %.
Cunnilingus -- my grandfather
And still expecting %.
Cunnilingus -- my grandfather
drove one across america...
Cunnilingus -- my grandfather
drove one across america...
[ Laughter ]
Drove one across america...
[ Laughter ]
...with pride.
[ Laughter ]
...with pride.
He bought the first one off the
...with pride.
He bought the first one off the
lot in .
He bought the first one off the
lot in .
Oh, but now they're all gone,
Lot in .
Oh, but now they're all gone,
forgotten.
Oh, but now they're all gone,
forgotten.
The cunnilingus, the rambler.
Forgotten.
The cunnilingus, the rambler.
I suppose "rambler" means
The cunnilingus, the rambler.
I suppose "rambler" means
something filthy now, too.
I suppose "rambler" means
something filthy now, too.
Does it?
Something filthy now, too.
Does it?
Does it mean something?
Does it?
Does it mean something?
Can't use the word "fisting"
Does it mean something?
Can't use the word "fisting"
anymore, either.
Can't use the word "fisting"
anymore, either.
Oh, no.
Anymore, either.
Oh, no.
But back in the 's, the girls
Oh, no.
But back in the 's, the girls
and I used to fist every sunday
But back in the 's, the girls
and I used to fist every sunday
afternoon.
And I used to fist every sunday
afternoon.
It was a knitting stitch and a
Afternoon.
It was a knitting stitch and a
very difficult one.
It was a knitting stitch and a
very difficult one.
I made a lovely yellow afghan
Very difficult one.
I made a lovely yellow afghan
full of tiny intricate fistings
I made a lovely yellow afghan
full of tiny intricate fistings
that won a grand prize at a
Full of tiny intricate fistings
that won a grand prize at a
jamboree.
That won a grand prize at a
jamboree.
Yeah.
Jamboree.
Yeah.
Gave up knitting altogether,
Yeah.
Gave up knitting altogether,
though, in .
Gave up knitting altogether,
though, in .
Finally I found out what the
Though, in .
Finally I found out what the
word meant.
Finally I found out what the
word meant.
Oh, no. No, no.
Word meant.
Oh, no. No, no.
Took that afghan with all that
Oh, no. No, no.
Took that afghan with all that
lovely fisting and put it up the
Took that afghan with all that
lovely fisting and put it up the
poop hole.
Lovely fisting and put it up the
poop hole.
Oh, that's what we used to call
Poop hole.
Oh, that's what we used to call
attics.
Oh, that's what we used to call
attics.
Now they're all gone, locked
Attics.
Now they're all gone, locked
away, like those beautiful
Now they're all gone, locked
away, like those beautiful
words.
Away, like those beautiful
words.
Well, I guess I'm just supposed
Words.
Well, I guess I'm just supposed
to fade away, is that it?
Well, I guess I'm just supposed
to fade away, is that it?
Or be modern and accept it.
To fade away, is that it?
Or be modern and accept it.
Fine.
Or be modern and accept it.
Fine.
I guess I'll just have a
Fine.
I guess I'll just have a
f*ck-off.
I guess I'll just have a
f*ck-off.
Oh, that used to be a summer
f*ck-off.
Oh, that used to be a summer
drink.
Oh, that used to be a summer
drink.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Drink.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I don't know.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I don't know.
He's in good hands.
I don't know.
He's in good hands.
Dr. Davis, telephone, please.
He's in good hands.
Dr. Davis, telephone, please.
He'll be all right.
Dr. Davis, telephone, please.
He'll be all right.
Dr. Davis, telephone, please.
He'll be all right.
Dr. Davis, telephone, please.
What are you doing?
Dr. Davis, telephone, please.
What are you doing?
Bruce! Buddy, pal!
What are you doing?
Bruce! Buddy, pal!
This is my show, this is my
Bruce! Buddy, pal!
This is my show, this is my
scene.
This is my show, this is my
scene.
Bruce?
Scene.
Bruce?
Bruce?
Bruce?
Bruce?
Come on!
Bruce?
Come on!
Man, I told you once before, get
Come on!
Man, I told you once before, get
outta here.
Man, I told you once before, get
outta here.
Come on, get the hell out of
Outta here.
Come on, get the hell out of
here!
Come on, get the hell out of
here!
It's uncanny.
Here!
It's uncanny.
Look, how do I know -- how do I
It's uncanny.
Look, how do I know -- how do I
know you're the real bruce?
Look, how do I know -- how do I
know you're the real bruce?
Oh, shut up, kevin.
Know you're the real bruce?
Oh, shut up, kevin.
It's the real bruce.
Oh, shut up, kevin.
It's the real bruce.
Okay, here we go again.
It's the real bruce.
Okay, here we go again.
In three...
Okay, here we go again.
In three...
Two...one...
In three...
Two...one...
Action.
Two...one...
Action.
I don't know.
Action.
I don't know.
He'll be okay.
I don't know.
He'll be okay.
He's in good hands.
He'll be okay.
He's in good hands.
Don't worry about it.
He's in good hands.
Don't worry about it.
Dr. Davis...
Don't worry about it.
Dr. Davis...
Well?
Dr. Davis...
Well?
Any word?
Well?
Any word?
I'm sorry.
Any word?
I'm sorry.
I did everything I could, but
I'm sorry.
I did everything I could, but
I'm afraid your father d*ed
I did everything I could, but
I'm afraid your father d*ed
before I had a chance to see
I'm afraid your father d*ed
before I had a chance to see
him.
Before I had a chance to see
him.
Our dad d*ed?
Him.
Our dad d*ed?
I can't believe it, man.
Our dad d*ed?
I can't believe it, man.
I'm sorry, but I'm not a god!
I can't believe it, man.
I'm sorry, but I'm not a god!
I've -- I've got to break it
I'm sorry, but I'm not a god!
I've -- I've got to break it
to mom.
I've -- I've got to break it
to mom.
Yeah.
To mom.
Yeah.
Oh, greg, do you have a
Yeah.
Oh, greg, do you have a
quarter?
Oh, greg, do you have a
quarter?
I'll go call mom.
Quarter?
I'll go call mom.
No, I don't want to.
I'll go call mom.
No, I don't want to.
What?!
No, I don't want to.
What?!
No.
What?!
No.
What?
No.
What?
To be honest, I'm sick and
What?
To be honest, I'm sick and
tired of you nickle-and-diming
To be honest, I'm sick and
tired of you nickle-and-diming
me to death.
Tired of you nickle-and-diming
me to death.
What are you talking about?
Me to death.
What are you talking about?
A quarter here, a dollar
What are you talking about?
A quarter here, a dollar
there -- it adds up, you know.
A quarter here, a dollar
there -- it adds up, you know.
I don't understand.
There -- it adds up, you know.
I don't understand.
Well, he's my dad, too.
I don't understand.
Well, he's my dad, too.
That doesn't mean I'm gonna let
Well, he's my dad, too.
That doesn't mean I'm gonna let
you walk all over me.
That doesn't mean I'm gonna let
you walk all over me.
Our dad just d*ed.
You walk all over me.
Our dad just d*ed.
Fine, then why don't we split
Our dad just d*ed.
Fine, then why don't we split
the price of the call?
Fine, then why don't we split
the price of the call?
Doctor, you're impartial.
The price of the call?
Doctor, you're impartial.
Does that sound fair?
Doctor, you're impartial.
Does that sound fair?
Well, I think maybe you're
Does that sound fair?
Well, I think maybe you're
both still in a state of shock?
Well, I think maybe you're
both still in a state of shock?
This guy is too much.
Both still in a state of shock?
This guy is too much.
I buy this guy kentucky fried
This guy is too much.
I buy this guy kentucky fried
chicken, then I don't hear from
I buy this guy kentucky fried
chicken, then I don't hear from
him for six months.
Chicken, then I don't hear from
him for six months.
I bought you a house!
Him for six months.
I bought you a house!
Okay, one thing.
I bought you a house!
Okay, one thing.
But I bought you that book in
Okay, one thing.
But I bought you that book in
grade "a."
But I bought you that book in
grade "a."
I took you to a movie.
Grade "a."
I took you to a movie.
I rented you my scuba gear.
I took you to a movie.
I rented you my scuba gear.
It came back muddy.
I rented you my scuba gear.
It came back muddy.
I bought you a house!
It came back muddy.
I bought you a house!
That's one thing.
I bought you a house!
That's one thing.
You're like a broken record.
That's one thing.
You're like a broken record.
Excuse me.
You're like a broken record.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry, but I couldn't help
Excuse me.
I'm sorry, but I couldn't help
overhearing about your dad.
I'm sorry, but I couldn't help
overhearing about your dad.
Would you let me give you the
Overhearing about your dad.
Would you let me give you the
quarter?
Would you let me give you the
quarter?
No way, man!
Quarter?
No way, man!
No way!
No way, man!
No way!
I think maybe you should let
No way!
I think maybe you should let
him.
I think maybe you should let
him.
Please?
Him.
Please?
All right.
Please?
All right.
Here.
All right.
Here.
Thank you.
Here.
Thank you.
I'm real sorry, man.
Thank you.
I'm real sorry, man.
Look, look, you better give
I'm real sorry, man.
Look, look, you better give
me two.
Look, look, you better give
me two.
I'm in such shock, I might
Me two.
I'm in such shock, I might
misdial.
I'm in such shock, I might
misdial.
Oh, sure, no problem at all.
Misdial.
Oh, sure, no problem at all.
There you go, huh?
Oh, sure, no problem at all.
There you go, huh?
Hey, god bless --
There you go, huh?
Hey, god bless --
aah!
Hey, god bless --
aah!
[ Laughter ]
Aah!
[ Laughter ]
yes, yes!
[ Laughter ]
yes, yes!
Oh, boy.
Yes, yes!
Oh, boy.
When you asked for that second
Oh, boy.
When you asked for that second
quarter, I nearly lost it.
When you asked for that second
quarter, I nearly lost it.
[ Laughter resumes ]
Quarter, I nearly lost it.
[ Laughter resumes ]
oh, man, you're the best.
[ Laughter resumes ]
oh, man, you're the best.
You're so good.
Oh, man, you're the best.
You're so good.
Awwwww.
You're so good.
Awwwww.
But -- but I am really sorry
Awwwww.
But -- but I am really sorry
about your dad.
But -- but I am really sorry
about your dad.
Well, we turned it to our
About your dad.
Well, we turned it to our
advantage.
Well, we turned it to our
advantage.
Yes, we did.
Advantage.
Yes, we did.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Extra, extra!
Extra, extra!
Junior-level mid-management
Extra, extra!
Junior-level mid-management
corporate sales executive
Junior-level mid-management
corporate sales executive
kidnapped!
Corporate sales executive
kidnapped!
Junior-level mid-management
Kidnapped!
Junior-level mid-management
corporate sales executive
Junior-level mid-management
corporate sales executive
kidnapped!
Corporate sales executive
kidnapped!
Extra!
Kidnapped!
Extra!
Read all about it!
Extra!
Read all about it!
Hey, kid, kid, let me see
Read all about it!
Hey, kid, kid, let me see
that.
Hey, kid, kid, let me see
that.
Hey, that's me.
That.
Hey, that's me.
I've been kidnapped.
Hey, that's me.
I've been kidnapped.
I better get back to the office
I've been kidnapped.
I better get back to the office
right away and see what gwen
I better get back to the office
right away and see what gwen
knows about this.
Right away and see what gwen
knows about this.
Thanks.
Knows about this.
Thanks.
Thanks, mister.
Thanks.
Thanks, mister.
Danny, sorry to hear about
Thanks, mister.
Danny, sorry to hear about
your tragedy, man.
Danny, sorry to hear about
your tragedy, man.
Gwen, have you seen this?
Your tragedy, man.
Gwen, have you seen this?
Have you seen this, danny?
Gwen, have you seen this?
Have you seen this, danny?
Oh, my god.
Have you seen this, danny?
Oh, my god.
They want $, in $ bills or
Oh, my god.
They want $, in $ bills or
I'm "dead meat."
They want $, in $ bills or
I'm "dead meat."
It's your wife, dan.
I'm "dead meat."
It's your wife, dan.
She's just heard.
It's your wife, dan.
She's just heard.
I'll take it inside.
She's just heard.
I'll take it inside.
Okay.
I'll take it inside.
Okay.
Hold on.
Okay.
Hold on.
I don't seem to be suffering
Hold on.
I don't seem to be suffering
from any physical damage.
I don't seem to be suffering
from any physical damage.
But...look, I can't talk right
From any physical damage.
But...look, I can't talk right
now.
But...look, I can't talk right
now.
I think this phone might be
Now.
I think this phone might be
bugged.
I think this phone might be
bugged.
I'm scared, honey.
Bugged.
I'm scared, honey.
I'm really scared.
I'm scared, honey.
I'm really scared.
And I need $,.
I'm really scared.
And I need $,.
Oh, oh, I understand.
And I need $,.
Oh, oh, I understand.
Sure.
Oh, oh, I understand.
Sure.
Oh, yeah.
Sure.
Oh, yeah.
Ciao.
Oh, yeah.
Ciao.
Now, w-we here at, uh...
Ciao.
Now, w-we here at, uh...
At this company...
Now, w-we here at, uh...
At this company...
Working together as a team in an
At this company...
Working together as a team in an
environmentally sound, yet
Working together as a team in an
environmentally sound, yet
financially aware...
Environmentally sound, yet
financially aware...
Fiduciary, uh...corporate...
Financially aware...
Fiduciary, uh...corporate...
Holdover.
Fiduciary, uh...corporate...
Holdover.
[ Sighs ]
Holdover.
[ Sighs ]
I'm sorry, I'm having a hard
[ Sighs ]
I'm sorry, I'm having a hard
time concentrating this morning.
I'm sorry, I'm having a hard
time concentrating this morning.
Danny...there's no need to go
Time concentrating this morning.
Danny...there's no need to go
on.
Danny...there's no need to go
on.
We -- we all know how hard this
On.
We -- we all know how hard this
is for you, and...
We -- we all know how hard this
is for you, and...
We're all pretty concerned.
Is for you, and...
We're all pretty concerned.
So that's why we chipped in and
We're all pretty concerned.
So that's why we chipped in and
came up with the money for you.
So that's why we chipped in and
came up with the money for you.
Thank you.
Came up with the money for you.
Thank you.
But where did you raise that
Thank you.
But where did you raise that
kind of money?
But where did you raise that
kind of money?
The old-fashioned way --
Kind of money?
The old-fashioned way --
prostitution.
The old-fashioned way --
prostitution.
We're $ short.
Prostitution.
We're $ short.
My last trick turned ugly.
We're $ short.
My last trick turned ugly.
Forget about it.
My last trick turned ugly.
Forget about it.
It's just $.
Forget about it.
It's just $.
Danny, the third edition's
It's just $.
Danny, the third edition's
in.
Danny, the third edition's
in.
Give it here, give it here.
In.
Give it here, give it here.
[ Mumbling ]
Give it here, give it here.
[ Mumbling ]
oh, my god.
[ Mumbling ]
oh, my god.
They want me to meet them at
Oh, my god.
They want me to meet them at
union station at :...with the
They want me to meet them at
union station at :...with the
money.
Union station at :...with the
money.
Danny, I'm scared.
Money.
Danny, I'm scared.
Don't be.
Danny, I'm scared.
Don't be.
Say, you don't happen to have $
Don't be.
Say, you don't happen to have $
you could lend me, do you?
Say, you don't happen to have $
you could lend me, do you?
I'm a little short of the ransom
You could lend me, do you?
I'm a little short of the ransom
money.
I'm a little short of the ransom
money.
I do, danny, but I need it
Money.
I do, danny, but I need it
to buy the new vanity fair.
I do, danny, but I need it
to buy the new vanity fair.
Please?
To buy the new vanity fair.
Please?
No, danny.
Please?
No, danny.
Come on.
No, danny.
Come on.
No can do, dan.
Come on.
No can do, dan.
I just can't get involved.
No can do, dan.
I just can't get involved.
For me?
I just can't get involved.
For me?
Okay, forget about it.
For me?
Okay, forget about it.
[ Knock on door ]
Okay, forget about it.
[ Knock on door ]
just about to lock up, sir.
[ Knock on door ]
just about to lock up, sir.
Would you like any copies now?
Just about to lock up, sir.
Would you like any copies now?
Uh, no thanks, terry, I'm --
Would you like any copies now?
Uh, no thanks, terry, I'm --
I'm pretty fine.
Uh, no thanks, terry, I'm --
I'm pretty fine.
Thanks.
I'm pretty fine.
Thanks.
Wait a minute.
Thanks.
Wait a minute.
Maybe there is something you can
Wait a minute.
Maybe there is something you can
do.
Maybe there is something you can
do.
Could you copy this?
Do.
Could you copy this?
Well, it's illegal, but for
Could you copy this?
Well, it's illegal, but for
you, danny, yes.
You got the money?
You got the money?
Yep.
You got the money?
Yep.
$,.
Yep.
$,.
You better not be lying or
$,.
You better not be lying or
husk is dead!
You better not be lying or
husk is dead!
I'm not.
Husk is dead!
I'm not.
Okay, give me the money.
I'm not.
Okay, give me the money.
Wait!
Okay, give me the money.
Wait!
How do I know you'll let me go?
Wait!
How do I know you'll let me go?
You'll just have to trust me.
How do I know you'll let me go?
You'll just have to trust me.
What?
You'll just have to trust me.
What?
Trust a low-life like you?
What?
Trust a low-life like you?
Trust game!
Trust a low-life like you?
Trust game!
You're okay.
Trust game!
You're okay.
Better be all here.
You're okay.
Better be all here.
It's all there.
Better be all here.
It's all there.
Every, uh, last...
It's all there.
Every, uh, last...
[ Laughs ]
[ Sniffs ]
It's okay.
It's okay.
Yeah, it's all right.
It's okay.
Yeah, it's all right.
It's all here.
Yeah, it's all right.
It's all here.
[ Breathing heavily ]
It's all here.
[ Breathing heavily ]
go.
[ Breathing heavily ]
go.
[ Breathing heavily resumes ]
Go.
[ Breathing heavily resumes ]
extra! Extra!
[ Breathing heavily resumes ]
extra! Extra!
Let me see that.
Extra! Extra!
Let me see that.
I'm free.
Let me see that.
I'm free.
I'm free.
I'm free.
I'm free.
♪ I'm free ♪
I'm free.
♪ I'm free ♪
[ chuckling ] I'm free.
♪ I'm free ♪
[ chuckling ] I'm free.
I'm free!
[ Chuckling ] I'm free.
I'm free!
I'm free!
I'm free!
I'm free!
I'm free!
I'm free!
I'm free!
I'm...pbht!
I'm free!
I'm...pbht!
I'm freeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
[ Cheers and applause ]
03x07 - Episode 7
Watch/Buy Amazon
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.