[ Birds singing, gong rings ]
[ Birds singing, gong rings ]
and now a poem by the emperor
[ Birds singing, gong rings ]
and now a poem by the emperor
of japan.
And now a poem by the emperor
of japan.
[ Flute plays ]
Of japan.
[ Flute plays ]
[ oriental music plays ]
[ Flute plays ]
[ oriental music plays ]
[ clucks tongue ]
[ Oriental music plays ]
[ clucks tongue ]
[ groans ]
[ Clucks tongue ]
[ groans ]
[ grunts ]
[ Groans ]
[ grunts ]
[ birds chirp ]
[ Grunts ]
[ birds chirp ]
hmm.
[ Birds chirp ]
hmm.
[ Gasps ]
[ Mumbling ]
[ Mumbling ]
bottles of beer on the
[ Mumbling ]
bottles of beer on the
wall.
Bottles of beer on the
wall.
Bottles of beer.
Wall.
Bottles of beer.
Haiku!
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Soft organ music plays ]
[ Soft organ music plays ]
now I see the tragic side of
[ Soft organ music plays ]
now I see the tragic side of
dance marathons.
Now I see the tragic side of
dance marathons.
We were this close to winning.
Dance marathons.
We were this close to winning.
I don't know why you're
We were this close to winning.
I don't know why you're
blubbering.
I don't know why you're
blubbering.
She's my mom.
Blubbering.
She's my mom.
Yeah.
She's my mom.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
Gavin, here's a casserole.
Yeah, you're right.
Gavin, here's a casserole.
Why, because you don't know
Gavin, here's a casserole.
Why, because you don't know
how to communicate with me
Why, because you don't know
how to communicate with me
'cause my mom is dead?
How to communicate with me
'cause my mom is dead?
Something like that.
'Cause my mom is dead?
Something like that.
Mosquitoes only live for one
Something like that.
Mosquitoes only live for one
day, you know.
Mosquitoes only live for one
day, you know.
So if they skip breakfast, I
Day, you know.
So if they skip breakfast, I
guess they had a bad childhood.
So if they skip breakfast, I
guess they had a bad childhood.
If death is the great teacher,
Guess they had a bad childhood.
If death is the great teacher,
what about my science teacher,
If death is the great teacher,
what about my science teacher,
mr. Gorgonchuck, who, when you
What about my science teacher,
mr. Gorgonchuck, who, when you
leave the fan on, his ears
Mr. Gorgonchuck, who, when you
leave the fan on, his ears
whistle?
Leave the fan on, his ears
whistle?
So we always leave the fan on.
Whistle?
So we always leave the fan on.
Hey, gavin.
So we always leave the fan on.
Hey, gavin.
Hi, dad.
Hey, gavin.
Hi, dad.
Are you out on probation?
Hi, dad.
Are you out on probation?
No, I'm just out overnight to
Are you out on probation?
No, I'm just out overnight to
settle things.
No, I'm just out overnight to
settle things.
Dad, this kid at school...
Settle things.
Dad, this kid at school...
This kid at school -- he's still
Dad, this kid at school...
This kid at school -- he's still
got a mom.
This kid at school -- he's still
got a mom.
Is that so?
Got a mom.
Is that so?
Yeah, and that can't be fair,
Is that so?
Yeah, and that can't be fair,
'cause all she ever eats is
Yeah, and that can't be fair,
'cause all she ever eats is
vodka and coffee and bridge mix.
'Cause all she ever eats is
vodka and coffee and bridge mix.
Really?
Vodka and coffee and bridge mix.
Really?
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
My little son.
Yeah.
My little son.
My little seed.
My little son.
My little seed.
My little, uh...
My little seed.
My little, uh...
Legal responsibility?
My little, uh...
Legal responsibility?
Sure, that'll work.
Legal responsibility?
Sure, that'll work.
Would you excuse me for a
Sure, that'll work.
Would you excuse me for a
moment, son?
Would you excuse me for a
moment, son?
Where are you going, to steal
Moment, son?
Where are you going, to steal
a car?
Where are you going, to steal
a car?
To steal a car!
A car?
To steal a car!
Gee, thanks.
To steal a car!
Gee, thanks.
Hey, gavin, I have something
Gee, thanks.
Hey, gavin, I have something
to tell you, son.
Hey, gavin, I have something
to tell you, son.
Gavin, this is sheila.
To tell you, son.
Gavin, this is sheila.
Hi.
Gavin, this is sheila.
Hi.
Yeah, hello.
Hi.
Yeah, hello.
Now, sheila and I have been
Yeah, hello.
Now, sheila and I have been
writing letters during my time
Now, sheila and I have been
writing letters during my time
in jail.
Writing letters during my time
in jail.
And I got the day off for the
In jail.
And I got the day off for the
funeral, so I thought I'd k*ll
And I got the day off for the
funeral, so I thought I'd k*ll
two birds with one stone.
Funeral, so I thought I'd k*ll
two birds with one stone.
Gavin, this is your new mom.
Two birds with one stone.
Gavin, this is your new mom.
Now, I don't want you to think
Gavin, this is your new mom.
Now, I don't want you to think
of her so much as your new mom,
Now, I don't want you to think
of her so much as your new mom,
but more as a stranger in the
Of her so much as your new mom,
but more as a stranger in the
kitchen wearing your old mom's
But more as a stranger in the
kitchen wearing your old mom's
clothes.
Kitchen wearing your old mom's
clothes.
And filling them out a bit
Clothes.
And filling them out a bit
better, too, I might add.
And filling them out a bit
better, too, I might add.
[ Laughing ] oh, nick.
Better, too, I might add.
[ Laughing ] oh, nick.
No, it's true.
[ Laughing ] oh, nick.
No, it's true.
Okay, I'll leave you two alone
No, it's true.
Okay, I'll leave you two alone
for a moment while I go settle
Okay, I'll leave you two alone
for a moment while I go settle
the tab.
For a moment while I go settle
the tab.
Get close.
The tab.
Get close.
Get really close.
Get close.
Get really close.
Okay.
Get really close.
Okay.
Okay, I'm fine.
Okay.
Okay, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Okay, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Hi!
I'm fine.
Hi!
Hi there.
Hi!
Hi there.
Hi there, little guy.
Hi there.
Hi there, little guy.
Hi there, little mourner.
Hi there, little guy.
Hi there, little mourner.
I bet you're down 'cause your
Hi there, little mourner.
I bet you're down 'cause your
mom's dead, huh?
I bet you're down 'cause your
mom's dead, huh?
Dad!
Mom's dead, huh?
Dad!
Gavin, dad is busy haggling.
Dad!
Gavin, dad is busy haggling.
Come on, murray.
Gavin, dad is busy haggling.
Come on, murray.
Quarts of embalming fluid?
Come on, murray.
Quarts of embalming fluid?
Who are you trying to kid?
Quarts of embalming fluid?
Who are you trying to kid?
Oh.
Who are you trying to kid?
Oh.
Gavin, I bet I know what
Oh.
Gavin, I bet I know what
would cheer you up.
Gavin, I bet I know what
would cheer you up.
If my mom came back to life
Would cheer you up.
If my mom came back to life
and m*rder*d you?
If my mom came back to life
and m*rder*d you?
No.
And m*rder*d you?
No.
If sheila had a cigarette.
No.
If sheila had a cigarette.
You know what would make a
If sheila had a cigarette.
You know what would make a
better new mom?
You know what would make a
better new mom?
What?
Better new mom?
What?
A hen or a dog or a rat or a
What?
A hen or a dog or a rat or a
cow or a clump of mud or a piece
A hen or a dog or a rat or a
cow or a clump of mud or a piece
of string.
Cow or a clump of mud or a piece
of string.
Gavin, I know how you feel, I
Of string.
Gavin, I know how you feel, I
do, because, you see, my mom
Gavin, I know how you feel, I
do, because, you see, my mom
d*ed, too.
Do, because, you see, my mom
d*ed, too.
Yeah, she did.
d*ed, too.
Yeah, she did.
Okay, it was a little bit
Yeah, she did.
Okay, it was a little bit
different.
Okay, it was a little bit
different.
She had been in a coma for
Different.
She had been in a coma for
years, and I was over .
She had been in a coma for
years, and I was over .
But still, when they pulled that
Years, and I was over .
But still, when they pulled that
plug, I was just --
But still, when they pulled that
plug, I was just --
dad!
Plug, I was just --
dad!
Look, it's not too late for
Dad!
Look, it's not too late for
me to make other arrangements.
Look, it's not too late for
me to make other arrangements.
You're not the only funeral home
Me to make other arrangements.
You're not the only funeral home
in this city, my friend.
You're not the only funeral home
in this city, my friend.
Oh.
In this city, my friend.
Oh.
It must have come as a big
Oh.
It must have come as a big
shock to have a new mom, huh?
It must have come as a big
shock to have a new mom, huh?
I know I found it a shock to be
Shock to have a new mom, huh?
I know I found it a shock to be
told I had a son.
I know I found it a shock to be
told I had a son.
You see, I'm barren.
Told I had a son.
You see, I'm barren.
And, just like the prairies, you
You see, I'm barren.
And, just like the prairies, you
keep driving and driving, and
And, just like the prairies, you
keep driving and driving, and
nothing happens.
Keep driving and driving, and
nothing happens.
Fake mom.
Nothing happens.
Fake mom.
Vinyl mom.
Fake mom.
Vinyl mom.
Sweet'n low mom.
Vinyl mom.
Sweet'n low mom.
Great!
Sweet'n low mom.
Great!
He's calling you "mom."
Great!
He's calling you "mom."
I hate her.
I hate her.
Oh.
I don't know, nick.
Oh.
I don't know, nick.
He said the "hate" word.
I don't know, nick.
He said the "hate" word.
Yeah, hate, love, and the
He said the "hate" word.
Yeah, hate, love, and the
whole damned thing.
Yeah, hate, love, and the
whole damned thing.
The important thing is that
Whole damned thing.
The important thing is that
we're a family --
The important thing is that
we're a family --
the son, the dad, the sheila...
We're a family --
the son, the dad, the sheila...
And the cop.
The son, the dad, the sheila...
And the cop.
Well, it's showtime.
And the cop.
Well, it's showtime.
Can I have a moment alone with
Well, it's showtime.
Can I have a moment alone with
my son?
Can I have a moment alone with
my son?
[ Soft guitar music plays ]
My son?
[ Soft guitar music plays ]
well, bye.
[ Soft guitar music plays ]
well, bye.
[ Music stops abruptly ]
Well, bye.
[ Music stops abruptly ]
write!
[ Music stops abruptly ]
write!
Well, it looks like it's just
Write!
Well, it looks like it's just
the two of us now, huh?
Well, it looks like it's just
the two of us now, huh?
Oh, little guy.
The two of us now, huh?
Oh, little guy.
I know it seems rough right now.
Oh, little guy.
I know it seems rough right now.
But one day you're gonna look
I know it seems rough right now.
But one day you're gonna look
back upon this as the best time
But one day you're gonna look
back upon this as the best time
of your life.
Back upon this as the best time
of your life.
I sure hope not.
Of your life.
I sure hope not.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Gong rings ]
[ Gong rings ]
and now a poem by the emperor
[ Gong rings ]
and now a poem by the emperor
of japan.
And now a poem by the emperor
of japan.
[ Flute plays ]
Of japan.
[ Flute plays ]
aah!
[ Flute plays ]
aah!
Oops.
Aah!
Oops.
I have fallen down the stairs...
Oops.
I have fallen down the stairs...
Again.
I have fallen down the stairs...
Again.
Many men come running to help me
Again.
Many men come running to help me
up.
Many men come running to help me
up.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, videos.
Hey, videos.
All right.
Hey, videos.
All right.
Yeah.
All right.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
Wow.
"Mahogany."
Wow.
"Mahogany."
I hear it's will bobbin's best
"Mahogany."
I hear it's will bobbin's best
movie.
I hear it's will bobbin's best
movie.
Yes. Yes, it is, yes.
Movie.
Yes. Yes, it is, yes.
Could I borrow it?
Yes. Yes, it is, yes.
Could I borrow it?
I haven't seen it yet.
Could I borrow it?
I haven't seen it yet.
I'll tell you what.
I haven't seen it yet.
I'll tell you what.
I'll see it tonight and bring it
I'll tell you what.
I'll see it tonight and bring it
first thing tomorrow.
I'll see it tonight and bring it
first thing tomorrow.
Promise?
First thing tomorrow.
Promise?
Will do.
So...did you bring my videos
So...did you bring my videos
back?
So...did you bring my videos
back?
It slipped my mind.
Back?
It slipped my mind.
But I feel awful about it.
It slipped my mind.
But I feel awful about it.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
But I feel awful about it.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll bring the movie tomorrow,
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll bring the movie tomorrow,
plus I'll buy you one.
I'll bring the movie tomorrow,
plus I'll buy you one.
Do you have "the godfather"?
Plus I'll buy you one.
Do you have "the godfather"?
No.
Do you have "the godfather"?
No.
So you'd really do that?
No.
So you'd really do that?
Will do.
Price check on those lady
Price check on those lady
things.
Price check on those lady
things.
You know.
Things.
You know.
Don't make me say it.
You know.
Don't make me say it.
Excuse me.
Don't make me say it.
Excuse me.
Do you work here?
Excuse me.
Do you work here?
Yes.
Do you work here?
Yes.
Can you tell me where the
Yes.
Can you tell me where the
lima beans are, please?
Can you tell me where the
lima beans are, please?
Aisle .
Lima beans are, please?
Aisle .
Thank you.
Aisle .
Thank you.
So did you bring my videos?
Thank you.
So did you bring my videos?
It slipped my mind.
So did you bring my videos?
It slipped my mind.
Should I even ask about
It slipped my mind.
Should I even ask about
"the godfather"?
Should I even ask about
"the godfather"?
Don't bother.
"The godfather"?
Don't bother.
Man, this is starting to cost
Don't bother.
Man, this is starting to cost
me money, you know.
Man, this is starting to cost
me money, you know.
I mean, soon the video store is
Me money, you know.
I mean, soon the video store is
gonna be on my ass, and rightly
I mean, soon the video store is
gonna be on my ass, and rightly
so.
Gonna be on my ass, and rightly
so.
Because when you rent a video,
So.
Because when you rent a video,
you enter into a sacred trust.
Because when you rent a video,
you enter into a sacred trust.
I'll tell you what.
You enter into a sacred trust.
I'll tell you what.
Let's have dinner tonight.
I'll tell you what.
Let's have dinner tonight.
Pesto's at :.
Let's have dinner tonight.
Pesto's at :.
I'll bring the video.
Pesto's at :.
I'll bring the video.
I'll bring "the godfather."
I'll bring the video.
I'll bring "the godfather."
And you know that paul simon
I'll bring "the godfather."
And you know that paul simon
album you've been wanting me to
And you know that paul simon
album you've been wanting me to
tape?
Album you've been wanting me to
tape?
Yes.
Tape?
Yes.
I'll tape it and bring that,
Yes.
I'll tape it and bring that,
too.
I'll tape it and bring that,
too.
And...dinner's on me.
Too.
And...dinner's on me.
Pfft.
And...dinner's on me.
Pfft.
You don't have to bother with
Pfft.
You don't have to bother with
all that.
You don't have to bother with
all that.
Just -- just bring me the video.
All that.
Just -- just bring me the video.
No, I want to.
Just -- just bring me the video.
No, I want to.
I'm just sick about the whole
No, I want to.
I'm just sick about the whole
thing.
I'm just sick about the whole
thing.
Okay.
Thing.
Okay.
Pesto's at :.
Okay.
Pesto's at :.
Will do.
Pesto's at :.
Will do.
Excuse me.
Will do.
Excuse me.
You said the lima beans were in
Excuse me.
You said the lima beans were in
aisle , and they weren't.
You said the lima beans were in
aisle , and they weren't.
And?
Aisle , and they weren't.
And?
[ Sighs ]
And?
[ Sighs ]
would you care to order now?
[ Sighs ]
would you care to order now?
Could I have another basket
Would you care to order now?
Could I have another basket
of bread, please?
Could I have another basket
of bread, please?
[ Sighs ]
So you'll bring the condoms
So you'll bring the condoms
tomorrow?
So you'll bring the condoms
tomorrow?
Will do.
Tomorrow?
Will do.
Hey!
Will do.
Hey!
Wait up, huh?
Hey!
Wait up, huh?
Wait up.
Wait up, huh?
Wait up.
You were supposed to meet me at
Wait up.
You were supposed to meet me at
the restaurant at :.
You were supposed to meet me at
the restaurant at :.
Where were you?
The restaurant at :.
Where were you?
It slipped my mind.
Where were you?
It slipped my mind.
But I feel horrible about the
It slipped my mind.
But I feel horrible about the
whole thing.
But I feel horrible about the
whole thing.
No!
Whole thing.
No!
I don't want to hear it.
No!
I don't want to hear it.
You're the king of empty
I don't want to hear it.
You're the king of empty
promises.
You're the king of empty
promises.
You know that, man?
Promises.
You know that, man?
What we're gonna do now is,
You know that, man?
What we're gonna do now is,
we're gonna go to your house,
What we're gonna do now is,
we're gonna go to your house,
and we're gonna get my stuff.
We're gonna go to your house,
and we're gonna get my stuff.
Understand?
And we're gonna get my stuff.
Understand?
I have to take my friend home
Understand?
I have to take my friend home
first.
I have to take my friend home
first.
But I'll tell you what.
First.
But I'll tell you what.
I'll bring your "mahogany"
But I'll tell you what.
I'll bring your "mahogany"
video, the "godfather" video,
I'll bring your "mahogany"
video, the "godfather" video,
the paul simon tape, a bottle of
Video, the "godfather" video,
the paul simon tape, a bottle of
scotch, and a written apology.
The paul simon tape, a bottle of
scotch, and a written apology.
I'll meet you in a half hour.
Scotch, and a written apology.
I'll meet you in a half hour.
Okay.
I'll meet you in a half hour.
Okay.
Sorry I had to cr*ck the whip.
Okay.
Sorry I had to cr*ck the whip.
Forget it.
Sorry I had to cr*ck the whip.
Forget it.
[ Air brakes hiss ]
Forget it.
[ Air brakes hiss ]
shouldn't you have told him I
[ Air brakes hiss ]
shouldn't you have told him I
live in winnipeg?
Shouldn't you have told him I
live in winnipeg?
It slipped my mind.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Listen.
Listen.
I'm no role model.
Listen.
I'm no role model.
I don't give advice, but over
I'm no role model.
I don't give advice, but over
the last couple of years, I've
I don't give advice, but over
the last couple of years, I've
received a lot of letters, all
The last couple of years, I've
received a lot of letters, all
with the same questions.
Received a lot of letters, all
with the same questions.
"Bruce, how did you get started
With the same questions.
"Bruce, how did you get started
in comedy?
"Bruce, how did you get started
in comedy?
You know, acting and writing.
In comedy?
You know, acting and writing.
And what advice do you have for
You know, acting and writing.
And what advice do you have for
someone trying to break in?"
And what advice do you have for
someone trying to break in?"
Okay, here goes.
Someone trying to break in?"
Okay, here goes.
First of all, I guess if you're
Okay, here goes.
First of all, I guess if you're
in school, make jokes.
First of all, I guess if you're
in school, make jokes.
Don't worry about if your
In school, make jokes.
Don't worry about if your
teachers like it or not.
Don't worry about if your
teachers like it or not.
The only teacher you should
Teachers like it or not.
The only teacher you should
listen to anyway is your english
The only teacher you should
listen to anyway is your english
teacher, but not too much.
Listen to anyway is your english
teacher, but not too much.
'Cause remember...
Education is not your friend.
Education is not your friend.
Neither is sleep.
Education is not your friend.
Neither is sleep.
You won't need it where you're
Neither is sleep.
You won't need it where you're
going.
You won't need it where you're
going.
Instead of studying, try
Going.
Instead of studying, try
listening to tragically loud
Instead of studying, try
listening to tragically loud
music daily.
Listening to tragically loud
music daily.
And be strict with yourself.
Music daily.
And be strict with yourself.
You gotta do it every day.
And be strict with yourself.
You gotta do it every day.
You know, now that I think about
You gotta do it every day.
You know, now that I think about
it, I think it's very important
You know, now that I think about
it, I think it's very important
to let liquor be the wind
It, I think it's very important
to let liquor be the wind
beneath your wings.
To let liquor be the wind
beneath your wings.
Yeah, I guess I'd have to advise
Beneath your wings.
Yeah, I guess I'd have to advise
drinking a lot with guys like
Yeah, I guess I'd have to advise
drinking a lot with guys like
callum rennie and terry rockio
Drinking a lot with guys like
callum rennie and terry rockio
and pissing out the back of a
Callum rennie and terry rockio
and pissing out the back of a
fast-moving truck.
And pissing out the back of a
fast-moving truck.
Oh, and if a policeman goes by,
Fast-moving truck.
Oh, and if a policeman goes by,
try doing this under your
Oh, and if a policeman goes by,
try doing this under your
breath -- pig, pig, oink, oink,
Try doing this under your
breath -- pig, pig, oink, oink,
bacon sandwich at :.
Breath -- pig, pig, oink, oink,
bacon sandwich at :.
Now, get a lot of experience
Bacon sandwich at :.
Now, get a lot of experience
coming home drunk.
Now, get a lot of experience
coming home drunk.
Stand up to your dad.
Coming home drunk.
Stand up to your dad.
He may tower over you now.
Stand up to your dad.
He may tower over you now.
But, as he begins to shrink, you
He may tower over you now.
But, as he begins to shrink, you
pick your day.
But, as he begins to shrink, you
pick your day.
[ Laughter ]
Pick your day.
[ Laughter ]
it's very important that you
[ Laughter ]
it's very important that you
begin to juggle lovers.
It's very important that you
begin to juggle lovers.
Remember...
I think it would be helpful to
I think it would be helpful to
get a lot of dead-end jobs in
I think it would be helpful to
get a lot of dead-end jobs in
warehouses with linear-thinking
Get a lot of dead-end jobs in
warehouses with linear-thinking
r*cist pigs who will teach you
Warehouses with linear-thinking
r*cist pigs who will teach you
only one thing -- how to steal.
r*cist pigs who will teach you
only one thing -- how to steal.
Did I mention piss out the back
Only one thing -- how to steal.
Did I mention piss out the back
of a fast-moving truck?
Did I mention piss out the back
of a fast-moving truck?
Oh, I did.
Of a fast-moving truck?
Oh, I did.
Okay, then move to the biggest
Oh, I did.
Okay, then move to the biggest
city you can find.
Okay, then move to the biggest
city you can find.
Get the smallest apartment you
City you can find.
Get the smallest apartment you
can find.
Get the smallest apartment you
can find.
Keep your underwear in a bowl in
Can find.
Keep your underwear in a bowl in
the fridge.
Keep your underwear in a bowl in
the fridge.
Never answer your phone.
The fridge.
Never answer your phone.
Never remember your family's
Never answer your phone.
Never remember your family's
birthdays.
Never remember your family's
birthdays.
Never make it home for
Birthdays.
Never make it home for
christmas.
Never make it home for
christmas.
Think a lot about vampires,
Christmas.
Think a lot about vampires,
death, and sex with your
Think a lot about vampires,
death, and sex with your
friends' mothers...
Death, and sex with your
friends' mothers...
Or fathers.
Friends' mothers...
Or fathers.
You figure it out.
Or fathers.
You figure it out.
I did.
You figure it out.
I did.
Wear a crash helmet around, just
I did.
Wear a crash helmet around, just
in case.
Wear a crash helmet around, just
in case.
Watch your friends get married
In case.
Watch your friends get married
and grow beards to cover their
Watch your friends get married
and grow beards to cover their
puffy, compromising faces.
And grow beards to cover their
puffy, compromising faces.
Then get a tv show.
Puffy, compromising faces.
Then get a tv show.
[ Laughter ]
Then get a tv show.
[ Laughter ]
I guess I'd have to say that's
[ Laughter ]
I guess I'd have to say that's
my only advice.
I guess I'd have to say that's
my only advice.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, how is my star patient
Well, how is my star patient
today?
Well, how is my star patient
today?
Dead.
Today?
Dead.
Well, how are we doing?
Dead.
Well, how are we doing?
Oh, pretty good.
Well, how are we doing?
Oh, pretty good.
Okay.
Oh, pretty good.
Okay.
It's useless, you know.
Okay.
It's useless, you know.
Huh?
It's useless, you know.
Huh?
Oh, the appendix.
Huh?
Oh, the appendix.
Oh.
Oh, the appendix.
Oh.
It's a useless organ.
Oh.
It's a useless organ.
Oh, yeah.
It's a useless organ.
Oh, yeah.
It just sits there in your
Oh, yeah.
It just sits there in your
body.
It just sits there in your
body.
Occasionally it bursts.
Body.
Occasionally it bursts.
And I think we really did the
Occasionally it bursts.
And I think we really did the
wise thing in removing it from
And I think we really did the
wise thing in removing it from
your body.
Wise thing in removing it from
your body.
Yeah, though I guess I'm
Your body.
Yeah, though I guess I'm
gonna have a scar now, eh?
Yeah, though I guess I'm
gonna have a scar now, eh?
Oh, yeah.
Gonna have a scar now, eh?
Oh, yeah.
Well, that's what happens when
Oh, yeah.
Well, that's what happens when
you cut really deeply into a
Well, that's what happens when
you cut really deeply into a
whole lot of skin with a
You cut really deeply into a
whole lot of skin with a
razor-sharp Kn*fe.
Whole lot of skin with a
razor-sharp Kn*fe.
Okay, well, what do you say we
Razor-sharp Kn*fe.
Okay, well, what do you say we
take that bandage off and have a
Okay, well, what do you say we
take that bandage off and have a
look at how you're healing?
Take that bandage off and have a
look at how you're healing?
Okay.
Look at how you're healing?
Okay.
Okay?
Okay.
Okay?
All right.
Okay?
All right.
Okay, so we'll do this on .
All right.
Okay, so we'll do this on .
Okay?
Okay, so we'll do this on .
Okay?
Okay.
Okay?
Okay.
One!
Okay.
One!
Two.
One!
Two.
Three.
Two.
Three.
Uh...
Three.
Uh...
Okay, well, let's see here.
Uh...
Okay, well, let's see here.
Well, that's healing very, very
Okay, well, let's see here.
Well, that's healing very, very
nicely.
Well, that's healing very, very
nicely.
I'm pleased.
Nicely.
I'm pleased.
Okay, well, I'm gonna monitor
I'm pleased.
Okay, well, I'm gonna monitor
this --
Okay, well, I'm gonna monitor
this --
hey!
This --
hey!
[ Laughter ]
Hey!
[ Laughter ]
what the hell is this?
[ Laughter ]
what the hell is this?
That's the incision from the
What the hell is this?
That's the incision from the
operation, remember?
That's the incision from the
operation, remember?
We were just talking about it.
Operation, remember?
We were just talking about it.
It's a swastika.
We were just talking about it.
It's a swastika.
Hmm.
It's a swastika.
Hmm.
You know, you're right.
Hmm.
You know, you're right.
It does look just a little bit
You know, you're right.
It does look just a little bit
like a swastika.
It does look just a little bit
like a swastika.
It looks exactly like a
Like a swastika.
It looks exactly like a
swastika.
It looks exactly like a
swastika.
Yes, it looks exact -- is
Swastika.
Yes, it looks exact -- is
that a problem for you?
Yes, it looks exact -- is
that a problem for you?
Yes, that's a problem for me!
That a problem for you?
Yes, that's a problem for me!
I've got a symbol of hate on my
Yes, that's a problem for me!
I've got a symbol of hate on my
stomach!
I've got a symbol of hate on my
stomach!
Okay, okay.
Stomach!
Okay, okay.
I'll tell you what I can do.
Okay, okay.
I'll tell you what I can do.
I can fix this.
I'll tell you what I can do.
I can fix this.
I think I can fix this.
I can fix this.
I think I can fix this.
I think I can -- I can make
I think I can fix this.
I think I can -- I can make
another incision.
I think I can -- I can make
another incision.
I can put -- let's see -- a
Another incision.
I can put -- let's see -- a
circle here, and a mark there,
I can put -- let's see -- a
circle here, and a mark there,
and one there.
Circle here, and a mark there,
and one there.
And I can make it look like a
And one there.
And I can make it look like a
man dancing.
And I can make it look like a
man dancing.
Sort of a happy man dancing.
Man dancing.
Sort of a happy man dancing.
What do you say?
Sort of a happy man dancing.
What do you say?
I'll tell you what.
What do you say?
I'll tell you what.
I'll do that for you right now.
I'll tell you what.
I'll do that for you right now.
No!
I'll do that for you right now.
No!
You're never touching me again.
No!
You're never touching me again.
Oh, come on, come on.
You're never touching me again.
Oh, come on, come on.
Oh, nurse!
Oh, come on, come on.
Oh, nurse!
Nurse!
Oh, nurse!
Nurse!
Nurse, hi, I'd like to put this
Nurse!
Nurse, hi, I'd like to put this
man on cc of...dr*gs.
Nurse, hi, I'd like to put this
man on cc of...dr*gs.
What dr*gs, doctor?
Man on cc of...dr*gs.
What dr*gs, doctor?
Heroin?
What dr*gs, doctor?
Heroin?
What?!
Heroin?
What?!
Oh, doctor, they want you in
What?!
Oh, doctor, they want you in
o.r.
Oh, doctor, they want you in
o.r.
There's a cardiac arrest.
O.r.
There's a cardiac arrest.
Surely, nurse, that's a
There's a cardiac arrest.
Surely, nurse, that's a
matter for the police.
Surely, nurse, that's a
matter for the police.
That's a heart att*ck, you
Matter for the police.
That's a heart att*ck, you
moron.
That's a heart att*ck, you
moron.
Oh, thanks.
Moron.
Oh, thanks.
Thanks very much.
Oh, thanks.
Thanks very much.
It's okay.
Thanks very much.
It's okay.
Well, then, nurse, I'm gonna
It's okay.
Well, then, nurse, I'm gonna
need some -- well, some
Well, then, nurse, I'm gonna
need some -- well, some
textbooks.
Need some -- well, some
textbooks.
And a lawyer.
Textbooks.
And a lawyer.
A lawyer.
And a lawyer.
A lawyer.
[ Cheers and applause ]
A lawyer.
[ Cheers and applause ]
now a poem by the emperor of
[ Cheers and applause ]
now a poem by the emperor of
japan.
Now a poem by the emperor of
japan.
[ Gong rings ]
Japan.
[ Gong rings ]
and that is why all the
[ Gong rings ]
and that is why all the
robots cry.
And that is why all the
robots cry.
[ Gong rings ]
Robots cry.
[ Gong rings ]
[ snoring ]
[ Gong rings ]
[ snoring ]
do you like it?
[ Snoring ]
do you like it?
Hmm?
Do you like it?
Hmm?
Hmm.
Hmm?
Hmm.
Yeah.
Hmm.
Yeah.
I read my wife poems.
Yeah.
I read my wife poems.
She likes them.
I read my wife poems.
She likes them.
No, really, she said so.
She likes them.
No, really, she said so.
Good.
No, really, she said so.
Good.
[ Growls ]
Good.
[ Growls ]
okay.
[ Growls ]
okay.
"My big feet."
Okay.
"My big feet."
My feet...are really big.
"My big feet."
My feet...are really big.
[ Cheers and applause ]
My feet...are really big.
[ Cheers and applause ]
really, really, really big.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
It was shelley long.
No, no, no, no.
It was shelley long.
Kirstie alley.
It was shelley long.
Kirstie alley.
Shelley long.
Kirstie alley.
Shelley long.
No, it was kirstie alley.
Shelley long.
No, it was kirstie alley.
It was shelley --
No, it was kirstie alley.
It was shelley --
no, it was beethoven.
It was shelley --
no, it was beethoven.
[ Both ] beethoven, yes.
No, it was beethoven.
[ Both ] beethoven, yes.
♪ Da-da-da daaa ♪
[ Both ] beethoven, yes.
♪ Da-da-da daaa ♪
♪ da-da-da daaa ♪
♪ Da-da-da daaa ♪
♪ da-da-da daaa ♪
such a funny song.
♪ Da-da-da daaa ♪
such a funny song.
Hi, guys.
Such a funny song.
Hi, guys.
Hey, scott.
Hi, guys.
Hey, scott.
Hey, scott, how you doing?
Hey, scott.
Hey, scott, how you doing?
I'm good, good.
Hey, scott, how you doing?
I'm good, good.
Good, so you're all here.
I'm good, good.
Good, so you're all here.
That's great.
Good, so you're all here.
That's great.
Yeah, so, uh, what's up?
That's great.
Yeah, so, uh, what's up?
Okay, uh, I wanted to call an
Yeah, so, uh, what's up?
Okay, uh, I wanted to call an
emergency troupe meeting.
Okay, uh, I wanted to call an
emergency troupe meeting.
Emergency troupe meeting?
Emergency troupe meeting.
Emergency troupe meeting?
Oh, no.
Emergency troupe meeting?
Oh, no.
Scott, remember the last time
Oh, no.
Scott, remember the last time
you called an emergency troupe
Scott, remember the last time
you called an emergency troupe
meeting?
You called an emergency troupe
meeting?
It was to announce you didn't
Meeting?
It was to announce you didn't
believe in emergency troupe
It was to announce you didn't
believe in emergency troupe
meetings.
Believe in emergency troupe
meetings.
This isn't easy, bruce!
Meetings.
This isn't easy, bruce!
Well.
This isn't easy, bruce!
Well.
Well, what is it, scott?
Well.
Well, what is it, scott?
Okay, I have an announcement
Well, what is it, scott?
Okay, I have an announcement
to make.
Okay, I have an announcement
to make.
I'm gay.
To make.
I'm gay.
And?
I'm gay.
And?
I'm starting slowly, okay?
And?
I'm starting slowly, okay?
I'm gay, and I'm over .
I'm starting slowly, okay?
I'm gay, and I'm over .
And?
I'm gay, and I'm over .
And?
Okay.
And?
Okay.
I'm gay, I'm over , and I'm in
Okay.
I'm gay, I'm over , and I'm in
love with someone in this room.
I'm gay, I'm over , and I'm in
love with someone in this room.
Oh, god.
Love with someone in this room.
Oh, god.
Oh, scott, I'm flattered.
Oh, god.
Oh, scott, I'm flattered.
I saw you looking at me when I
Oh, scott, I'm flattered.
I saw you looking at me when I
was doing push-ups.
I saw you looking at me when I
was doing push-ups.
It's my fault, guys.
Was doing push-ups.
It's my fault, guys.
I'm a guy's guy.
It's my fault, guys.
I'm a guy's guy.
I drink bourbon.
I'm a guy's guy.
I drink bourbon.
I spit.
I drink bourbon.
I spit.
I sweat.
I spit.
I sweat.
It's not you, bruce.
I sweat.
It's not you, bruce.
It isn't?
It's not you, bruce.
It isn't?
But I'm a guy's guy.
It isn't?
But I'm a guy's guy.
Yeah, yeah.
But I'm a guy's guy.
Yeah, yeah.
Sure you are, bruce, sure you
Yeah, yeah.
Sure you are, bruce, sure you
are.
Sure you are, bruce, sure you
are.
Wait a minute.
Are.
Wait a minute.
It's me.
Wait a minute.
It's me.
That's why you haven't called me
It's me.
That's why you haven't called me
at home in three years.
That's why you haven't called me
at home in three years.
You're trying to hide your love
At home in three years.
You're trying to hide your love
for me.
You're trying to hide your love
for me.
Wait a minute.
For me.
Wait a minute.
You're all in love with me.
Wait a minute.
You're all in love with me.
No.
You're all in love with me.
No.
No?
No.
No?
Oh, wait a minute.
No?
Oh, wait a minute.
This is so typical.
Oh, wait a minute.
This is so typical.
You haven't given me a second
This is so typical.
You haven't given me a second
glance in seven years.
You haven't given me a second
glance in seven years.
But the minute I get a ring on
Glance in seven years.
But the minute I get a ring on
my finger, you're all over me.
But the minute I get a ring on
my finger, you're all over me.
Next.
My finger, you're all over me.
Next.
Hmm?
Next.
Hmm?
Kevin?
Hmm?
Kevin?
Not kevin.
Kevin?
Not kevin.
He can't even do one push-up.
Not kevin.
He can't even do one push-up.
I'm not gay.
He can't even do one push-up.
I'm not gay.
Then again, I never used to like
I'm not gay.
Then again, I never used to like
asparagus, and I do now.
Then again, I never used to like
asparagus, and I do now.
It's not you, kevin.
Asparagus, and I do now.
It's not you, kevin.
Of course.
It's not you, kevin.
Of course.
I knew it wasn't me.
Of course.
I knew it wasn't me.
How could it be me?
I knew it wasn't me.
How could it be me?
It makes no sense.
How could it be me?
It makes no sense.
Wait a minute.
It makes no sense.
Wait a minute.
It's you.
Wait a minute.
It's you.
You're in love with yourself,
It's you.
You're in love with yourself,
you f*cking egomaniac.
You're in love with yourself,
you f*cking egomaniac.
You jerk.
You f*cking egomaniac.
You jerk.
Oh, come on.
You jerk.
Oh, come on.
Would you grow up?
Oh, come on.
Would you grow up?
It's not me.
Would you grow up?
It's not me.
It's you!
It's not me.
It's you!
What are you talking about?
It's you!
What are you talking about?
Okay.
What are you talking about?
Okay.
Although, individually, I think
Okay.
Although, individually, I think
you're all messes...
Although, individually, I think
you're all messes...
Yeah.
You're all messes...
Yeah.
Sure.
Yeah.
Sure.
Of course we are.
Sure.
Of course we are.
Together you form the perfect
Of course we are.
Together you form the perfect
man.
Together you form the perfect
man.
Say what?
Man.
Say what?
Okay.
Say what?
Okay.
See -- look at bruce here, with
Okay.
See -- look at bruce here, with
his athleticism and ability to
See -- look at bruce here, with
his athleticism and ability to
drink.
His athleticism and ability to
drink.
Dave with his flirty eyes and
Drink.
Dave with his flirty eyes and
even greater ability to drink.
Dave with his flirty eyes and
even greater ability to drink.
Mark, of course, for his
Even greater ability to drink.
Mark, of course, for his
incredible abdominal muscles.
Mark, of course, for his
incredible abdominal muscles.
And kevin?
Incredible abdominal muscles.
And kevin?
Well, kevin for his soul.
And kevin?
Well, kevin for his soul.
Anything physical?
Well, kevin for his soul.
Anything physical?
No, sorry.
Anything physical?
No, sorry.
Nice soul.
No, sorry.
Nice soul.
So...
Nice soul.
So...
What do you think?
So...
What do you think?
There he is.
What do you think?
There he is.
Oh, he's got your eyes.
There he is.
Oh, he's got your eyes.
Yeah, he does have my eyes.
Oh, he's got your eyes.
Yeah, he does have my eyes.
Yeah, my runner's legs.
Yeah, he does have my eyes.
Yeah, my runner's legs.
Look!
Yeah, my runner's legs.
Look!
[ All gasp ]
Look!
[ All gasp ]
whose is that?
[ All gasp ]
whose is that?
Oh, nobody here.
Whose is that?
Oh, nobody here.
It's just --
Oh, nobody here.
It's just --
just a dream I had.
It's just --
just a dream I had.
Okay, so how about it?
Just a dream I had.
Okay, so how about it?
You guys gonna do it for me?
Okay, so how about it?
You guys gonna do it for me?
You know?
You guys gonna do it for me?
You know?
Do what?
You know?
Do what?
What are you talking about?
Do what?
What are you talking about?
Okay, well, I have this
What are you talking about?
Okay, well, I have this
friend who's a surgeon.
Okay, well, I have this
friend who's a surgeon.
Well, he's not really a surgeon.
Friend who's a surgeon.
Well, he's not really a surgeon.
He's more of an anarchist who's
Well, he's not really a surgeon.
He's more of an anarchist who's
into industrial music.
He's more of an anarchist who's
into industrial music.
But he's a surgeon of sorts.
Into industrial music.
But he's a surgeon of sorts.
Anyway, he owes me a favor or
But he's a surgeon of sorts.
Anyway, he owes me a favor or
two.
Anyway, he owes me a favor or
two.
He is willing to put together
Two.
He is willing to put together
this man for me, you see?
He is willing to put together
this man for me, you see?
You dumb sh*t.
This man for me, you see?
You dumb sh*t.
Are you out of your mind?
You dumb sh*t.
Are you out of your mind?
So you're not gonna do it for
Are you out of your mind?
So you're not gonna do it for
me.
So you're not gonna do it for
me.
[ All ] no!
Me.
[ All ] no!
So I don't get anything that
[ All ] no!
So I don't get anything that
I want.
So I don't get anything that
I want.
[ All ] no!
I want.
[ All ] no!
So, again, I'm a loser.
[ All ] no!
So, again, I'm a loser.
[ All ] yes!
So, again, I'm a loser.
[ All ] yes!
Well, parts of you will be
[ All ] yes!
Well, parts of you will be
very sorry!
Well, parts of you will be
very sorry!
The only thing worse than being
Very sorry!
The only thing worse than being
young and in love is being
The only thing worse than being
young and in love is being
not-so-young and in love.
Young and in love is being
not-so-young and in love.
Back to my dream.
Not-so-young and in love.
Back to my dream.
Wow.
Back to my dream.
Wow.
[ Cheers and applause ]
03x14 - Episode 14
Watch/Buy Amazon
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.