We end tonight's newscast on
We end tonight's newscast on
a sad note.
We end tonight's newscast on
a sad note.
We here at channel have lost a
A sad note.
We here at channel have lost a
near and dear friend in the
We here at channel have lost a
near and dear friend in the
person of our studio cameraman,
Near and dear friend in the
person of our studio cameraman,
ted riley.
Person of our studio cameraman,
ted riley.
We here at channel would
Ted riley.
We here at channel would
like to extend our condolences
We here at channel would
like to extend our condolences
to ted's common-law wife
Like to extend our condolences
to ted's common-law wife
maureen, his two illegitimate
To ted's common-law wife
maureen, his two illegitimate
children, mark and donna, his
Maureen, his two illegitimate
children, mark and donna, his
friends, his relatives.
Children, mark and donna, his
friends, his relatives.
He will be missed.
Friends, his relatives.
He will be missed.
That's all for channel
He will be missed.
That's all for channel
news.
That's all for channel
news.
Have a safe weekend.
News.
Have a safe weekend.
"Kids in the hall" are next.
Have a safe weekend.
"Kids in the hall" are next.
We could sure use some
"Kids in the hall" are next.
We could sure use some
laughs.
I know what people think of
I know what people think of
me, I do.
I know what people think of
me, I do.
They consider me a
Me, I do.
They consider me a
happy-go-lucky guy, a carefree
They consider me a
happy-go-lucky guy, a carefree
sort, full of smiles, brimming
Happy-go-lucky guy, a carefree
sort, full of smiles, brimming
with chuckles and whatnot.
Sort, full of smiles, brimming
with chuckles and whatnot.
Few people realize there is a
With chuckles and whatnot.
Few people realize there is a
darker side.
Few people realize there is a
darker side.
Few people know that I have been
Darker side.
Few people know that I have been
living a sham each night as I go
Few people know that I have been
living a sham each night as I go
home to my apartment and my
Living a sham each night as I go
home to my apartment and my
large bowl of popcorn, that I
Home to my apartment and my
large bowl of popcorn, that I
sit in silence with a dog for
Large bowl of popcorn, that I
sit in silence with a dog for
whom I feel nothing.
Sit in silence with a dog for
whom I feel nothing.
Nothing.
Whom I feel nothing.
Nothing.
Maybe it's my fault for never
Nothing.
Maybe it's my fault for never
having named the dog.
Maybe it's my fault for never
having named the dog.
See, I've had him for three
Having named the dog.
See, I've had him for three
years, and I just couldn't think
See, I've had him for three
years, and I just couldn't think
one up.
Years, and I just couldn't think
one up.
The only name that suited him
One up.
The only name that suited him
was "small mammal with whom
The only name that suited him
was "small mammal with whom
I live a lie."
Was "small mammal with whom
I live a lie."
I've even given up trying
I live a lie."
I've even given up trying
small talk, stuff like...
I've even given up trying
small talk, stuff like...
So, how's man's best friend
Small talk, stuff like...
So, how's man's best friend
today?
So, how's man's best friend
today?
Boy, wok cooking sure is harder
Today?
Boy, wok cooking sure is harder
than it looks.
Boy, wok cooking sure is harder
than it looks.
So we'd sit with heavy-dreaded
Than it looks.
So we'd sit with heavy-dreaded
air between us.
So we'd sit with heavy-dreaded
air between us.
And then, one night, it
Air between us.
And then, one night, it
happened.
And then, one night, it
happened.
I turned my head and saw my dog
Happened.
I turned my head and saw my dog
looking at me.
I turned my head and saw my dog
looking at me.
There we were, locked in a
Looking at me.
There we were, locked in a
stare, frozen in time.
There we were, locked in a
stare, frozen in time.
And in his eyes, I could see my
Stare, frozen in time.
And in his eyes, I could see my
human arrogance reflected back.
And in his eyes, I could see my
human arrogance reflected back.
"How dare I eat meat?" I almost
Human arrogance reflected back.
"How dare I eat meat?" I almost
screamed.
"How dare I eat meat?" I almost
screamed.
[ Opera music plays ]
And as quickly as the moment
And as quickly as the moment
came, it ended.
And as quickly as the moment
came, it ended.
[ Burps ]
Came, it ended.
[ Burps ]
the burp, like the moment, is
[ Burps ]
the burp, like the moment, is
now gone forever.
The burp, like the moment, is
now gone forever.
But as long as I live, I shall
Now gone forever.
But as long as I live, I shall
never forget the night I
But as long as I live, I shall
never forget the night I
connected with my dog.
Never forget the night I
connected with my dog.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Gasping ]
[ Gasping ]
women's college hospital.
[ Gasping ]
women's college hospital.
And please hurry, as I've gone
Women's college hospital.
And please hurry, as I've gone
into labor.
And please hurry, as I've gone
into labor.
I'll get you there, ma'am.
Into labor.
I'll get you there, ma'am.
Mind if I smoke?
I'll get you there, ma'am.
Mind if I smoke?
No, I'd rather you didn't --
Mind if I smoke?
No, I'd rather you didn't --
thanks.
No, I'd rather you didn't --
thanks.
g*dd*mn government.
Thanks.
g*dd*mn government.
Please hurry.
g*dd*mn government.
Please hurry.
Don't you worry.
Please hurry.
Don't you worry.
And because I believe childbirth
Don't you worry.
And because I believe childbirth
to be a beautiful and natural
And because I believe childbirth
to be a beautiful and natural
thing, no meter!
To be a beautiful and natural
thing, no meter!
Let's go!
Thing, no meter!
Let's go!
[ Tires screech ]
Let's go!
[ Tires screech ]
[ gasping ]
[ Tires screech ]
[ gasping ]
[ horns honking ]
[ Gasping ]
[ horns honking ]
my god.
[ Horns honking ]
my god.
I think the baby's coming.
My god.
I think the baby's coming.
There, there, ma'am.
I think the baby's coming.
There, there, ma'am.
Don't talk crazy.
There, there, ma'am.
Don't talk crazy.
Plenty of time.
Don't talk crazy.
Plenty of time.
You know, I think the traffic is
Plenty of time.
You know, I think the traffic is
thinning out.
You know, I think the traffic is
thinning out.
[ Horn honks ]
Thinning out.
[ Horn honks ]
come on, move it, pal!
[ Horn honks ]
come on, move it, pal!
I'm dying here!
Come on, move it, pal!
I'm dying here!
[ Horns honking ]
I'm dying here!
[ Horns honking ]
it's too late.
[ Horns honking ]
it's too late.
The baby's coming, and you're
It's too late.
The baby's coming, and you're
going to have to help me.
The baby's coming, and you're
going to have to help me.
Oh, lady, don't go doing that
Going to have to help me.
Oh, lady, don't go doing that
here.
Oh, lady, don't go doing that
here.
Come on, have some discipline.
Here.
Come on, have some discipline.
Control yourself!
Come on, have some discipline.
Control yourself!
Aah! Aah!
Control yourself!
Aah! Aah!
Oh, my god.
Aah! Aah!
Oh, my god.
[ Baby crying ]
Oh, my god.
[ Baby crying ]
yeah.
[ Baby crying ]
yeah.
Hi, my wife's having a baby.
Yeah.
Hi, my wife's having a baby.
Boy -- darren.
Hi, my wife's having a baby.
Boy -- darren.
Girl -- kate.
Boy -- darren.
Girl -- kate.
That's wonderful.
Girl -- kate.
That's wonderful.
So, what hospital should I take
That's wonderful.
So, what hospital should I take
you to?
So, what hospital should I take
you to?
Actually, we were hoping
You to?
Actually, we were hoping
you'd deliver our baby.
Actually, we were hoping
you'd deliver our baby.
We read about you in the
You'd deliver our baby.
We read about you in the
paper.
We read about you in the
paper.
We were very impressed.
Paper.
We were very impressed.
Very impressed.
We were very impressed.
Very impressed.
Well, thanks.
Very impressed.
Well, thanks.
But you see, I'm not a doctor.
Well, thanks.
But you see, I'm not a doctor.
No, I'm just a guy with a taxi
But you see, I'm not a doctor.
No, I'm just a guy with a taxi
license.
No, I'm just a guy with a taxi
license.
Sure, I know every address in
License.
Sure, I know every address in
the metropolitan area, and I'm
Sure, I know every address in
the metropolitan area, and I'm
proud of that.
The metropolitan area, and I'm
proud of that.
But what you need --
Proud of that.
But what you need --
please, we've given this a
But what you need --
please, we've given this a
lot of thought.
Please, we've given this a
lot of thought.
We don't want to go to a big,
Lot of thought.
We don't want to go to a big,
impersonal hospital where they
We don't want to go to a big,
impersonal hospital where they
treat pregnancy like a disease.
Impersonal hospital where they
treat pregnancy like a disease.
Like a disease!
Treat pregnancy like a disease.
Like a disease!
This is what we want.
Like a disease!
This is what we want.
You're a sweet couple.
This is what we want.
You're a sweet couple.
Okay.
You're a sweet couple.
Okay.
Oh, thank you!
Okay.
Oh, thank you!
But I got to leave the meter
But I got to leave the meter
on.
I have to make a living, you
On.
I have to make a living, you
know.
I have to make a living, you
know.
Sure you do.
Know.
Sure you do.
[ Door opens ]
Sure you do.
[ Door opens ]
hello!
[ Door opens ]
hello!
Where to, pal?
Hello!
Where to, pal?
Um, would you take out my
Where to, pal?
Um, would you take out my
appendix?
Um, would you take out my
appendix?
No!
Appendix?
No!
It's really inflamed.
No!
It's really inflamed.
I'm not a doctor, okay?
It's really inflamed.
I'm not a doctor, okay?
I don't trust doctors.
I'm not a doctor, okay?
I don't trust doctors.
Ow! Please!
I don't trust doctors.
Ow! Please!
[ Sighs ]
Ow! Please!
[ Sighs ]
[ laughs ]
[ Sighs ]
[ laughs ]
all right.
[ Laughs ]
all right.
Super.
All right.
Super.
Okay, lay down and pull up
Super.
Okay, lay down and pull up
your shirt, would you?
Okay, lay down and pull up
your shirt, would you?
Okay, let's go.
Your shirt, would you?
Okay, let's go.
Oh!
Okay, let's go.
Oh!
That tickles!
Oh!
That tickles!
Almost got me.
That tickles!
Almost got me.
Almost got me there, kid.
Almost got me.
Almost got me there, kid.
There's something wrong with
Almost got me there, kid.
There's something wrong with
my brain!
There's something wrong with
my brain!
Okay, let's just open her up
My brain!
Okay, let's just open her up
and take a look.
Okay, let's just open her up
and take a look.
Taxi!
And take a look.
Taxi!
Oh, god!
Taxi!
Oh, god!
Damn!
Oh, god!
Damn!
[ Horn honks ]
Damn!
[ Horn honks ]
taxi!
[ Horn honks ]
taxi!
Thanks.
Taxi!
Thanks.
What do I owe you?
Thanks.
What do I owe you?
$..
What do I owe you?
$..
Make it bucks.
$..
Make it bucks.
Hey, thanks!
Make it bucks.
Hey, thanks!
Mr. Melvin?
Hey, thanks!
Mr. Melvin?
The cabby will see you now.
Mr. Melvin?
The cabby will see you now.
Come on, pal.
The cabby will see you now.
Come on, pal.
The meter's running.
Come on, pal.
The meter's running.
Snap it up.
The meter's running.
Snap it up.
Hey!
Snap it up.
Hey!
Can you take me to the airport?
Hey!
Can you take me to the airport?
Airport?
Can you take me to the airport?
Airport?
Sure thing!
Airport?
Sure thing!
Jump in!
Sure thing!
Jump in!
Back up.
Jump in!
Back up.
Out of the way, pal.
Back up.
Out of the way, pal.
But...
Out of the way, pal.
But...
[ Tires screech ]
But...
[ Tires screech ]
[ cheers and applause ]
[ Whistling ]
[ Whistling ]
good evening.
[ Whistling ]
good evening.
I was wondering if I could
Good evening.
I was wondering if I could
interest either of you lovely
I was wondering if I could
interest either of you lovely
ladies in a date.
Interest either of you lovely
ladies in a date.
Get lost, copper.
Ladies in a date.
Get lost, copper.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Get lost, copper.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm not a copper.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm not a copper.
I'm just an average joe in an
I'm not a copper.
I'm just an average joe in an
overcoat looking for some
I'm just an average joe in an
overcoat looking for some
special fun.
Overcoat looking for some
special fun.
Buzz off, you pig.
Special fun.
Buzz off, you pig.
We could smell you coming a mile
Buzz off, you pig.
We could smell you coming a mile
away.
We could smell you coming a mile
away.
How did it go?
Away.
How did it go?
Not good.
How did it go?
Not good.
I don't think you standing
Not good.
I don't think you standing
three feet away helps the
I don't think you standing
three feet away helps the
undercover operation here.
Three feet away helps the
undercover operation here.
Yeah?
Undercover operation here.
Yeah?
Maybe.
Yeah?
Maybe.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Maybe.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ engine sputtering ]
Hi, tucker.
Hi, tucker.
Oh. Hi, steve.
Hi, tucker.
Oh. Hi, steve.
How's it going?
Oh. Hi, steve.
How's it going?
Good, good.
How's it going?
Good, good.
So, how's your wife?
Good, good.
So, how's your wife?
Good, good.
So, how's your wife?
Good, good.
Good.
Good, good.
Good.
Well, great.
Good.
Well, great.
Thanks for stopping by.
Well, great.
Thanks for stopping by.
See ya.
Thanks for stopping by.
See ya.
Tucker?
See ya.
Tucker?
Hey, steve.
Tucker?
Hey, steve.
Long time, no see.
Hey, steve.
Long time, no see.
What are you talking about?
Long time, no see.
What are you talking about?
So, how's your missus?
What are you talking about?
So, how's your missus?
I said the wife's fine.
So, how's your missus?
I said the wife's fine.
Have you fixed my car?
I said the wife's fine.
Have you fixed my car?
Car?
Have you fixed my car?
Car?
You own a car?
Car?
You own a car?
Yeah, my car, the one you're
You own a car?
Yeah, my car, the one you're
working on now.
Yeah, my car, the one you're
working on now.
Have you fixed it?
Working on now.
Have you fixed it?
Oh, this car.
Have you fixed it?
Oh, this car.
Great car.
Oh, this car.
Great car.
Thank you very much.
Great car.
Thank you very much.
Have you fixed it?
Thank you very much.
Have you fixed it?
Is that the phone?
Have you fixed it?
Is that the phone?
What?
Is that the phone?
What?
I thought I heard the phone.
What?
I thought I heard the phone.
Must be for me.
I thought I heard the phone.
Must be for me.
I don't hear any phone,
Must be for me.
I don't hear any phone,
tucker.
I don't hear any phone,
tucker.
Must have stopped ringing
Tucker.
Must have stopped ringing
in all this confusion.
Must have stopped ringing
in all this confusion.
Look, tucker, I brought the
In all this confusion.
Look, tucker, I brought the
car in six weeks ago.
Look, tucker, I brought the
car in six weeks ago.
You said it would take three
Car in six weeks ago.
You said it would take three
days.
You said it would take three
days.
I haven't had time, man.
Days.
I haven't had time, man.
Why?
I haven't had time, man.
Why?
I've been working on the car.
Why?
I've been working on the car.
Tucker!
I've been working on the car.
Tucker!
[ Sobbing ]
Tucker!
[ Sobbing ]
I've tried to fix the car!
[ Sobbing ]
I've tried to fix the car!
My dad fixed a car.
I've tried to fix the car!
My dad fixed a car.
This thing connects to that
My dad fixed a car.
This thing connects to that
thing, and that thing connects
This thing connects to that
thing, and that thing connects
to something else.
Thing, and that thing connects
to something else.
I'm so close, though.
To something else.
I'm so close, though.
I feel it.
I'm so close, though.
I feel it.
What do you want me to do?
I feel it.
What do you want me to do?
Can you give me a few more
What do you want me to do?
Can you give me a few more
days?
Can you give me a few more
days?
A few days?
Days?
A few days?
I'm so close.
A few days?
I'm so close.
Okay, I'll be back on friday.
I'm so close.
Okay, I'll be back on friday.
You promise it'll be ready?
Okay, I'll be back on friday.
You promise it'll be ready?
Yeah. Sure, steve.
You promise it'll be ready?
Yeah. Sure, steve.
It'll be ready for driving.
Yeah. Sure, steve.
It'll be ready for driving.
See ya.
It'll be ready for driving.
See ya.
See ya.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hi.
Hi.
Hi, scott!
Hi.
Hi, scott!
Scott!
Hi, scott!
Scott!
Scott?
Scott!
Scott?
Hi.
Scott?
Hi.
I love the show.
Hi.
I love the show.
Thank you.
I love the show.
Thank you.
My name's michael.
Thank you.
My name's michael.
I'm from q*eer planet.
My name's michael.
I'm from q*eer planet.
Oh, yeah.
I'm from q*eer planet.
Oh, yeah.
You're the angry people.
Oh, yeah.
You're the angry people.
No, that's act up.
You're the angry people.
No, that's act up.
We're the really angry people.
No, that's act up.
We're the really angry people.
Okay.
We're the really angry people.
Okay.
Anyways, did you hear about
Okay.
Anyways, did you hear about
the raid on the gay and lesbian
Anyways, did you hear about
the raid on the gay and lesbian
bookstore?
The raid on the gay and lesbian
bookstore?
No.
Bookstore?
No.
The pigs confiscated eight
No.
The pigs confiscated eight
different magazines and charged
The pigs confiscated eight
different magazines and charged
the owners with selling obscene
Different magazines and charged
the owners with selling obscene
merchandise.
The owners with selling obscene
merchandise.
When will they learn?
Merchandise.
When will they learn?
Gay sex is not obscene!
When will they learn?
Gay sex is not obscene!
I know.
Gay sex is not obscene!
I know.
It's r*cist!
I know.
It's r*cist!
Sexist!
It's r*cist!
Sexist!
h*m*!
Sexist!
h*m*!
h*m*!
h*m*!
h*m*!
So, what we want to know is,
h*m*!
So, what we want to know is,
will you appear at our rally
So, what we want to know is,
will you appear at our rally
tonight in front of police
Will you appear at our rally
tonight in front of police
headquarters and make a speech?
Tonight in front of police
headquarters and make a speech?
All the spokespeople will be
Headquarters and make a speech?
All the spokespeople will be
there.
All the spokespeople will be
there.
So, can you do it?
There.
So, can you do it?
Is that a yes?
So, can you do it?
Is that a yes?
Hey, grandpa.
Is that a yes?
Hey, grandpa.
Looking good, hmm?
Hey, grandpa.
Looking good, hmm?
So, how you feeling?
Looking good, hmm?
So, how you feeling?
I'm dying.
So, how you feeling?
I'm dying.
They say it's aids.
I'm dying.
They say it's aids.
Promise you won't tell your
They say it's aids.
Promise you won't tell your
grandmother.
Promise you won't tell your
grandmother.
Ta-da!
Grandmother.
Ta-da!
Is that a yes?
Ta-da!
Is that a yes?
Ooh.
Is that a yes?
Ooh.
I got to know something.
Ooh.
I got to know something.
Uh-huh?
I got to know something.
Uh-huh?
Do you love me?
Uh-huh?
Do you love me?
Is that a yes?
Do you love me?
Is that a yes?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Honey?
Honey?
Oh, honey?
Honey?
Oh, honey?
Hon?
Oh, honey?
Hon?
Wake up, hon.
Hon?
Wake up, hon.
What is it?
Wake up, hon.
What is it?
Hon, would you mind turning
What is it?
Hon, would you mind turning
your lamp on please?
Hon, would you mind turning
your lamp on please?
Uh, just a second.
Your lamp on please?
Uh, just a second.
Now, hon --
Uh, just a second.
Now, hon --
oh, my god!
Now, hon --
oh, my god!
Are you all right under there?
Oh, my god!
Are you all right under there?
Calm down, hon.
Are you all right under there?
Calm down, hon.
Hon, don't worry.
Calm down, hon.
Hon, don't worry.
I've got everything under
Hon, don't worry.
I've got everything under
control.
I've got everything under
control.
Something like this happened to
Control.
Something like this happened to
me once in nam on business.
Something like this happened to
me once in nam on business.
Now, hon, listen to my voice.
Me once in nam on business.
Now, hon, listen to my voice.
Stay very calm and no sudden
Now, hon, listen to my voice.
Stay very calm and no sudden
movements, all right, hon?
Stay very calm and no sudden
movements, all right, hon?
[ Alarm rings ]
Movements, all right, hon?
[ Alarm rings ]
what should I do?
[ Alarm rings ]
what should I do?
Get the alarm, hon.
What should I do?
Get the alarm, hon.
Get the alarm, hon.
Get the alarm, hon.
Get the alarm, hon.
It's upsetting the spider.
Get the alarm, hon.
It's upsetting the spider.
Get the alarm.
It's upsetting the spider.
Get the alarm.
Good work, hon.
Get the alarm.
Good work, hon.
Good work, hon.
Good work, hon.
Good work, hon.
Shall I hit the spider with
Good work, hon.
Shall I hit the spider with
my slipper?
Shall I hit the spider with
my slipper?
Sure, if your aim is to
My slipper?
Sure, if your aim is to
housebreak it, dear.
Sure, if your aim is to
housebreak it, dear.
That would be great.
Housebreak it, dear.
That would be great.
Look, there's no need to be
That would be great.
Look, there's no need to be
sarcastic.
Look, there's no need to be
sarcastic.
I'm only trying to help.
Sarcastic.
I'm only trying to help.
You don't think a giant
I'm only trying to help.
You don't think a giant
spider on my face is any need
You don't think a giant
spider on my face is any need
at all, huh?
Spider on my face is any need
at all, huh?
I hate it when you're like
At all, huh?
I hate it when you're like
this.
I hate it when you're like
this.
Oh, don't start on me now,
This.
Oh, don't start on me now,
okay?
Oh, don't start on me now,
okay?
We can talk about us later.
Okay?
We can talk about us later.
Later, later.
We can talk about us later.
Later, later.
I am sick and tired of hearing
Later, later.
I am sick and tired of hearing
you say "later."
I am sick and tired of hearing
you say "later."
I want to talk about it now.
You say "later."
I want to talk about it now.
Okay, I agree we're having
I want to talk about it now.
Okay, I agree we're having
problems.
Okay, I agree we're having
problems.
But my god, woman, right now?
Problems.
But my god, woman, right now?
Good morning, daddy!
But my god, woman, right now?
Good morning, daddy!
Good morning!
Good morning, daddy!
Good morning!
Oh, god.
Good morning!
Oh, god.
Get the kids off the bed!
Oh, god.
Get the kids off the bed!
Get the kids off the bed!
Get the kids off the bed!
Get the kids off the bed!
Kids, you have to go.
Get the kids off the bed!
Kids, you have to go.
Daddy's not mad at you.
Kids, you have to go.
Daddy's not mad at you.
He's just a little grumpy
Daddy's not mad at you.
He's just a little grumpy
because there's a large,
He's just a little grumpy
because there's a large,
poisonous spider on his face.
Because there's a large,
poisonous spider on his face.
[ Sighs ]
Poisonous spider on his face.
[ Sighs ]
and that's another thing.
[ Sighs ]
and that's another thing.
You never seem to find the time
And that's another thing.
You never seem to find the time
to spend with the children
You never seem to find the time
to spend with the children
anymore.
To spend with the children
anymore.
Hon, you're raising your
Anymore.
Hon, you're raising your
voice.
Hon, you're raising your
voice.
The spider!
Voice.
The spider!
And when in the last years
The spider!
And when in the last years
of marriage have I ever heard
And when in the last years
of marriage have I ever heard
you say, "I love you."
Of marriage have I ever heard
you say, "I love you."
I love you.
You say, "I love you."
I love you.
You're just saying that
I love you.
You're just saying that
because you have a spider on
You're just saying that
because you have a spider on
your face.
Because you have a spider on
your face.
No, I really mean it.
Your face.
No, I really mean it.
Really?
No, I really mean it.
Really?
Yes.
Really?
Yes.
I know you can't see my eyes
Yes.
I know you can't see my eyes
right now to tell if I'm lying
I know you can't see my eyes
right now to tell if I'm lying
or not.
Right now to tell if I'm lying
or not.
But believe me, I really do love
Or not.
But believe me, I really do love
you.
But believe me, I really do love
you.
Oh, darling, so good to hear
You.
Oh, darling, so good to hear
that.
Oh, darling, so good to hear
that.
Well...
That.
Well...
This is the closest I've felt
Well...
This is the closest I've felt
to you in years.
This is the closest I've felt
to you in years.
Hon?
To you in years.
Hon?
What are you doing, hon?
Hon?
What are you doing, hon?
I don't think that's such a good
What are you doing, hon?
I don't think that's such a good
idea, hon.
I don't think that's such a good
idea, hon.
Hon?
Idea, hon.
Hon?
Hon, don't!
Hon?
Hon, don't!
Hon, don't!
Hon, don't!
Hon, don't!
Don't do that!
Hon, don't!
Don't do that!
Hon, if you arouse me, you might
Don't do that!
Hon, if you arouse me, you might
startle the spider.
Hon, if you arouse me, you might
startle the spider.
Oh, my god, hon!
Startle the spider.
Oh, my god, hon!
Oh, my god, hon!
Oh, my god, hon!
Oh, my god, hon!
Oh, my god, I think he bit me.
Oh, my god, hon!
Oh, my god, I think he bit me.
I think my body is going numb.
Oh, my god, I think he bit me.
I think my body is going numb.
What? I can't hear you.
I think my body is going numb.
What? I can't hear you.
Oh, quick!
What? I can't hear you.
Oh, quick!
Quick, get a picture of me so I
Oh, quick!
Quick, get a picture of me so I
look like the hooker.
Quick, get a picture of me so I
look like the hooker.
I'm like, "can you please get
Look like the hooker.
I'm like, "can you please get
closer so I'll look like a
I'm like, "can you please get
closer so I'll look like a
hooker, too?"
Closer so I'll look like a
hooker, too?"
[ Laughs ]
Hooker, too?"
[ Laughs ]
oh, thanks, ladies!
[ Laughs ]
oh, thanks, ladies!
Night-night.
Oh, thanks, ladies!
Night-night.
That was so excellent!
Night-night.
That was so excellent!
Damn tourists.
That was so excellent!
Damn tourists.
It's okay.
Damn tourists.
It's okay.
I took her wallet.
It's okay.
I took her wallet.
[ Cheers and applause ]
What would you say if aliens
What would you say if aliens
came down and tried to pick us
What would you say if aliens
came down and tried to pick us
up?
Came down and tried to pick us
up?
Would they pay us in our own
Up?
Would they pay us in our own
money?
Would they pay us in our own
money?
No, in alien money.
Money?
No, in alien money.
Then, no, I would not fall
No, in alien money.
Then, no, I would not fall
for that again.
Then, no, I would not fall
for that again.
No.
For that again.
No.
Okay.
No.
Okay.
I would.
Okay.
I would.
[ Cheers and applause ]
This place is a morgue.
This place is a morgue.
Let's get something happening.
This place is a morgue.
Let's get something happening.
Listen, I'm going to talk.
Let's get something happening.
Listen, I'm going to talk.
I need seconds alone.
Listen, I'm going to talk.
I need seconds alone.
Then I have to make phone
I need seconds alone.
Then I have to make phone
calls.
Then I have to make phone
calls.
Then I require people in my
Calls.
Then I require people in my
office for four minutes.
Then I require people in my
office for four minutes.
Now, two of them should have
Office for four minutes.
Now, two of them should have
calendars.
Now, two of them should have
calendars.
After that, I'd like four pieces
Calendars.
After that, I'd like four pieces
of seven-grain toast.
After that, I'd like four pieces
of seven-grain toast.
What do I want?
Of seven-grain toast.
What do I want?
You need seconds alone.
What do I want?
You need seconds alone.
Then you have to make phone
You need seconds alone.
Then you have to make phone
calls.
Then you have to make phone
calls.
Then you want people in your
Calls.
Then you want people in your
office for about four minutes.
Then you want people in your
office for about four minutes.
Then you need four slices of
Office for about four minutes.
Then you need four slices of
seven-grain toast.
Then you need four slices of
seven-grain toast.
[ Inhales, exhales sharply ]
Seven-grain toast.
[ Inhales, exhales sharply ]
let's go!
Mental note.
Mental note.
Get coffee-colored shirts.
Mental note.
Get coffee-colored shirts.
Let's get something going.
Get coffee-colored shirts.
Let's get something going.
[ Telephone rings ]
Let's get something going.
[ Telephone rings ]
[ telephone rings ]
[ Telephone rings ]
[ telephone rings ]
yeah? Good morning.
[ Telephone rings ]
yeah? Good morning.
No. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah? Good morning.
No. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. No.
No. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. No.
Yeah, just a second.
Yeah. No.
Yeah, just a second.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, just a second.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, yeah.
I got that here.
Yeah, yeah.
I got that here.
Just a second.
I got that here.
Just a second.
Okay. No, no, no.
Just a second.
Okay. No, no, no.
Uh-huh. Yeah, okay.
Okay. No, no, no.
Uh-huh. Yeah, okay.
[ Telephone rings ]
Uh-huh. Yeah, okay.
[ Telephone rings ]
yeah? Okay.
[ Telephone rings ]
yeah? Okay.
No, no, no. Yeah.
Yeah? Okay.
No, no, no. Yeah.
Get it? Got it? Good.
No, no, no. Yeah.
Get it? Got it? Good.
Okay, yeah.
Get it? Got it? Good.
Okay, yeah.
But no, no.
Okay, yeah.
But no, no.
No, no. Yeah, yeah.
But no, no.
No, no. Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
No, no. Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Baby!
Okay.
Baby!
[ Crying ]
Baby!
[ Crying ]
got it, yeah.
[ Crying ]
got it, yeah.
Family's important.
Got it, yeah.
Family's important.
Yeah. What?
Family's important.
Yeah. What?
Yeah, whoa.
Yeah. What?
Yeah, whoa.
Yeah, whoa, whoa.
Yeah, whoa.
Yeah, whoa, whoa.
Wrong, don.
Yeah, whoa, whoa.
Wrong, don.
Don, you're wrong.
Wrong, don.
Don, you're wrong.
Don, you're wrong.
Don, you're wrong.
Don, you're wrong.
Yeah, yeah, no.
Don, you're wrong.
Yeah, yeah, no.
No made it so.
Yeah, yeah, no.
No made it so.
Don, you're wrong.
No made it so.
Don, you're wrong.
Please put on ron.
Don, you're wrong.
Please put on ron.
Just a sec.
Please put on ron.
Just a sec.
[ Inhales sharply ]
Just a sec.
[ Inhales sharply ]
what do you mean, "ron's gone"?
[ Inhales sharply ]
what do you mean, "ron's gone"?
Uh, maybe six.
What do you mean, "ron's gone"?
Uh, maybe six.
Yes, six.
Uh, maybe six.
Yes, six.
It'll be six.
Yes, six.
It'll be six.
Ron is gone?
It'll be six.
Ron is gone?
[ Babbling ]
Ron is gone?
[ Babbling ]
ha ha ha!
[ Babbling ]
ha ha ha!
All right.
Ha ha ha!
All right.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Ow! No, it's just --
Okay.
Ow! No, it's just --
my heart's bugging me.
Ow! No, it's just --
my heart's bugging me.
Uh, mental note.
My heart's bugging me.
Uh, mental note.
Take three-day vacation in june.
Uh, mental note.
Take three-day vacation in june.
I'm sorry, w-what was it you
Take three-day vacation in june.
I'm sorry, w-what was it you
were saying?
I'm sorry, w-what was it you
were saying?
Oh, that woman.
Were saying?
Oh, that woman.
Donny!
Oh, that woman.
Donny!
Come on, you bastard.
Donny!
Come on, you bastard.
That's just my heart.
Come on, you bastard.
That's just my heart.
Come on, you bastard.
That's just my heart.
Come on, you bastard.
No, no, no, not you.
Come on, you bastard.
No, no, no, not you.
Ow! Ow!
No, no, no, not you.
Ow! Ow!
[ Electricity crackles ]
Ow! Ow!
[ Electricity crackles ]
aah!
[ Electricity crackles ]
aah!
Ow! O-ow!
Aah!
Ow! O-ow!
[ Grunts ]
Ow! O-ow!
[ Grunts ]
you substandard piece of crap!
There you go, little guy.
There you go, little guy.
[ Gasps ]
There you go, little guy.
[ Gasps ]
that's better.
[ Gasps ]
that's better.
All right, don, what's going on?
That's better.
All right, don, what's going on?
Yeah. What? What?
All right, don, what's going on?
Yeah. What? What?
[ Heart beats irregularly ]
Yeah. What? What?
[ Heart beats irregularly ]
[ gasps ]
[ Heart beats irregularly ]
[ gasps ]
that coffee's not strong enough.
[ Gasps ]
that coffee's not strong enough.
[ Coughing ]
That coffee's not strong enough.
[ Coughing ]
don? Hey!
[ Coughing ]
don? Hey!
These phones aren't working.
Don? Hey!
These phones aren't working.
Rachel, these phones aren't
These phones aren't working.
Rachel, these phones aren't
working.
Rachel, these phones aren't
working.
Get someone.
Working.
Get someone.
Do something. Just --
Get someone.
Do something. Just --
get back to work!
Do something. Just --
get back to work!
That's better.
Get back to work!
That's better.
Next time, I'll fry you up and
That's better.
Next time, I'll fry you up and
eat you.
Next time, I'll fry you up and
eat you.
Ahh!
Eat you.
Ahh!
Oh, yeah.
Ahh!
Oh, yeah.
Does my heart look like it's in
Oh, yeah.
Does my heart look like it's in
straight?
Does my heart look like it's in
straight?
Looks fine to me.
Straight?
Looks fine to me.
I just had a weird
Looks fine to me.
I just had a weird
experience.
I just had a weird
experience.
Maybe your blood sugar's low.
Experience.
Maybe your blood sugar's low.
Probably.
Maybe your blood sugar's low.
Probably.
Mental note.
Probably.
Mental note.
Be a better person.
Mental note.
Be a better person.
Shoo!
Be a better person.
Shoo!
Go!
Shoo!
Go!
Okay, don, what's going on?
Go!
Okay, don, what's going on?
What do you mean, "this is
Okay, don, what's going on?
What do you mean, "this is
john"?
What do you mean, "this is
john"?
John, put on ron.
John"?
John, put on ron.
Put on don, john.
John, put on ron.
Put on don, john.
Get him on.
[ Cheers and applause ]
04x01 - Episode 1
Watch/Buy Amazon
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.