02x03 - Mission

[bunniefuu]

MEG: And then softly, softly...

..softly...

CREATURE ROARS, ALARM BLARES

f*ck!

MUFFLED SCREAMS

This f*cking mission is impossible!

Why?!
SHE CHUCKLES

Why?! WHY?!

It's really difficult, isn't it?

Russell, it's an act
of outright f*cking sadism.

Every time the same -
just repetitive, relentless,

merciless drudgery.

I appreciate that sounds fun,
but it isn't!

It just isn't. That's it.
It's USB time.

No, Usman, don't do it!

Meg...I told myself every time you
fail the mission, you get it again.

WIRE WHIPS, HE CRIES OUT IN PAIN

What is wrong with me?

Why can't I do it?

Do you think I should
go to the doctor's?

No, Meg, no doctors.

Right, first positions. We go again.

DRUM ROLL

WHIPPING, USMAN SCREAMS

So, Alison, I don't want to make
a big thing of this, but, um...

..I want you to have all of my
tights and my trainers

if anything happens to me,

because...basically, I'm pretty sure
I've got Parkinson's disease.

OK...
Is this to do with the mission, Meg?

Failing the mission was my first
symptom of Parkinson's, yeah.

Right, I see.
Losing control of my hands,

loss of fine motor skills...
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

..it...it explains everything.

I'm so sorry.
Have you told her, Meg?

I've told her about me, yes, Nicky.

HE SIGHS

OK...

Alison...

And this is going to be tough
for you to hear.

..we think we may have Parkinson's.

You don't have Parkinson's, Nicky.

If anything,
I've got more Parkinson's than you!

I'd love to have your level
of Parkinson's. Please!

Puh-lease!

You've probably just got,
like, very mild MS.

I don't think either of you
have Parkinson's.

I think perhaps you're
a little bit stressed

and you've just come across
a level that you can't do.

THEY SCOFF AND LAUGH

Wh...?! Sorry, hang on.

Um, Alison, which do you think
is more likely -

that I'm unable to complete
a side mission on a game that I've

been playing on and off for about,
what, years? ! -.

Or that I've got a disease that

affects as many as
one in people?

Face it, Alison,
I'm Parkinson's as f*ck.

Not quite as Parkinson's as me.

Yeah, but I've got
a relationship to maintain.

You don't have a relationship,
Nicky.

I'm in a wordless relationship
that's based on consensual waving.

Uh, with a girl who pulled your guts
out from your anus.

It's an off-b*at modern romance,
Meg.

Sorry you find that so challenging.

OK. Well, a little bit
of housekeeping.

Uh... There is a man coming round
tomorrow to service the boiler.

Whoa! Hang on... What?!
There's a man coming round?

What kind of man? A tradesman?

A tradesman, Meg, yes.

You just need to let him in.

Let him in?! What's next, Alison -
give him a bath, trim his nails?

This really isn't
a good time for us, Alison.

We've got a mission,
we've got weekly challenges.

We've got Parkinson's.

You just need to let him in,
make him a cup of tea.

It's not a big deal.

Make him a cup of tea?!

I'm not f*cking making him
a cup of tea, Alison!

What is he, a little bird that needs
looking after?

Should I chew up some worms
and spit them in his mouth?

I don't think that would be
appropriate, Meg, no.

He's going to want to show us
what he's done.

Oh, my God, he's going
to make us LOOK at what he's done!

"Ooh, look at this! Look at that!
I gave it a bevelled edge!"

He's going to want a compliment.
Men are so f*cking needy.

Thirsty for compliments, thirsty
for tea. Men are so f*cking thirsty!

I think I need to go and lie down.

All this stress has given me
a Parkinson's flare-up.

Yeah, yeah, same.

Thanks for
the Parkinson's flare-up, Alison.

ALARM BLARES, CREATURE ROARS

LOUD WHIPPING, HE SCREAMS IN PAIN

Bullshit! f*cking bollocks! Shitty
stealth mechanic piece of sh*t!

Maybe we just need to look at
a walk-through on YouTube.

Oh, is that who we are now,
Russell - those people?!

Maybe we could invite some real men
over to chop off our sausages

while they f*ck our wives.

g*dd*mn!

CRASHING, USMAN GROANS
Usman?

HE SIGHS AND BREATHES DEEPLY

It's OK. I'm fine.

I'm just building some
flat-pack furniture

and a karate chopped a deep shelf.

At couple's therapy, I agreed to do
more acts of love labours

for my wife, but then I got waylaid
with the mission,

so now I've got acts of attentive
care to do by Monday

or I fail my f*cking marriage.

This is like f*cking Groundhog Day!

What's that, then?
Groundhog Day?

The film.
Oh, I don't really like films.

What do you mean,
you don't really like films?

I don't know. They've just never
really made one that's grabbed me.

Films? You've seen films?

I've seen eight films...

Ghost, Heat, Jaws,

Rocky, Cool Runnings...

..the Hungry Games
and the Seabiscuits.

Annette tried to put one
on last night,

so I just pretended I was asleep.

Annette? Oh, I've met someone.

Yeah, it's
a proper world-wind romance.

She's my Uber driver.

Your Uber driver?

My mum kicked me out and I needed
a place to stay, so I put in

my mate's address, but then she
picked me up and we got talking,

and she must have really liked me
cos she ended up just driving me

straight back to her house.

That was four days ago.

Russell...have you been abducted?

No, nothing like that.

Is it?

And she makes me dinner
with a pudding every night.

And the sex...

..well, it's a lot.

It's a lot more than you'd think.

How old is she, Russell?

Oh, not that old.

Like, or or .
Something like that.

OK, Russell, sounds like
what you've got there is a sex mum.

A sex mum? A sex mum, yeah.

It does sound like you've got what
we in American would call a sex mom.

DOOR BUZZER

DEFCON . That's the tradesman.
Go on, then. Why should I go?

Because, you've got more in common
with men than I do.

You share, like,
% of your DNA with men.

Men are my natural predators.

It's like you're making a shrew
answer the door to an owl.

What am I, then, if you're a shrew?

You're a Barbary macaque. An owl has
no interest in a Barbary macaque.

They're not even part
of the same ecosystem.

PERSISTENT BUZZING

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Curse my deep psychological need to
appease male authority figures.

Remember, tradesmen are
like hedgehogs -

the more liquid you give them,
the more they come to expect.

In fact, hide the kettle.
Good, good, good, good, good, good.

Remember your conversation stoppers?

"I don't know, mate.
I'm just staying here for a bit.

"You'll need to talk to
Alison about that."

Perfect.

Hey, I'm Greg.

For the boiler.

Right. Sorry I was late. Traffic.

Oh, sorry, mate.
I don't really know about traffic.

GREG LAUGHS SOFTLY

Uh, where's your boiler?

Friend, you might as well
have just asked me

for bicycling directions
to the Hamburg Symphony Hall.

THEY CHUCKLE

Shall I get started, then, or...?

Uh... I don't know, mate.

I'm just staying here for a bit.

You'll need to talk to
Alison about that.

DOOR SHUTS

CREATURE ROARS, ALARM BLARES

f*ck!

My God!

I've got a list of love labours
as long as my d*ck,

but this game just fucks me up
every single time.

LOUD WHIPPING, HE SCREAMS IN PAIN

God, Daisy's back online.
Um, see you later.

Wha... What?

So you're just quitting,
off to do some more sexy waving?

Uh.... Yes. Bye.

All right, here goes.

MALE: Halt. Who goes there?

Uh, hey, sorry. I was just on my way
to wave at that nice girl.

Oh, bless. Looks like we've got
ourselves another fanboy.

Cos if you're here to get
it on with Daisy Chainsaw,

take a ticket from
a ticket-dispensing machine.

Oh. Um, sorry, I didn't realise
she was such a... ..big deal?

The level cleric who uses double
broadswords and is

a verifiably attractive female is
a big deal. Isn't that strange?

It's been verified,
her attractiveness?

Yes, we're all quite pathologically
smitten with her.

I'll ping you her Insty.

You're lucky, she's just moving
into her summer wardrobe.

Lots of pinks and lavender tones.

Sounds amazing. Aw!
Did you feel you had a connection?

Well... Um, no. I mean...

..kind of.

You know, she once wrenched my
innards out through my bottomhole

and then handed them to me. Right.

So, she does that to all the boys,
then, does she?

But from that disembowelling
came a movement.

We call ourselves the Disciples.
We're a brotherhood.

Just men supporting men supporting
a woman

who doesn't know she's being
supported by the men.

It's glorious.

Wow. She is so beautiful.

And that's been
independently verified?

Oh, her face, we can all agree on.

Her precise height - let's just
say that's something of a hot topic.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. There are those
who'd have you believe

she's something of a Goliath,
six foot seven, or so they claim.

Or based on a single holiday photo
in which a Diet Coke can

looks quite small in her hand.

Then there's the other camp.

They'll tell you that she's four
foot nine, because they've compared

the size of her cranium to
the width of her shoulders

in the famous Paris balcony sh*ts.

My God, that is
so intensely obsessive.

I love it.

Because none of us are actually
going to get together with her.

I mean, I live all
the way in the Philippines.

HE CHUCKLES

Because of my work. My job.

My job has lead me
to live in the Philippines,

and that's why I live
in the Philippines. OK.

And also the cost of living,

and that's the other reason
why I live in the Philippines.

Maybe I should be living in the
Philippines! Sounds kind of dreamy!

We have found a fulfilment
for ourselves by orbiting her.

Scraps from a queen's table can make
a good meal for a hungry serf.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Sorry, mate, could you come
and have a quick look at something?

Seriously? I'm just staying here.
You need to check with Alison.

It won't take a minute.

Huh? OK, I have to level with you -
I have no idea what I'm looking at.

It didn't do that before. Didn't it?

Look, I noticed it, I thought, it
won't take a minute. No charge.

MEG: What's the tradesman
making you look at?

There's a lever and it's making
the plug go up and down.

Didn't it do that before?
Apparently not, no.

LEVER CLUNKS

Yeah. Sorry, mate, I think
that's probably

all the times I can look at that.

Actually, Nicky, can you look at it
a few more times

so I can sneak to the toilet? OK...

All right?

I'm Greg.

ROMANTIC CLASSICAL MUSIC

Would you, um...

..like some...cups of teas?

Your kettle's under the sink.

SHE SNORTS LAUGHING

So, did he come, the man?

He came, yeah. Meg looked him in the
eye and fell in love with him,

started compulsively making him
cups of tea.

OK, that's not what happened.

At one point, she ran out of mugs,
and contemplated making him one in

one of those detergent dosing balls
that you put in the washing machine.

OK, Nicky, yeah, if you must know,
I wanted to f*ck the tradesperson.

Happy now?

So, come on, what was he like?

He was just a bloke.

Don't even remember
if he had a face.

Exactly, he was just like, erm...

Just like, you know, erm,
short hair, rugby arms, car legs.

Car legs? Yeah, he was just all, you
know, like, leggy.

Like a blokey, blokey,
leggy trades bloke. You know?

Put him in a Superdry puffer jacket,
pop Sky Sports News on,

and he'll be all like, "Wahey!"

Yeah, so basically what I'm trying
to say

is that he's just absolutely Tesco.

Right. Tesco?

Daisy's not Tesco.

She's incredible.

Should see her in her summer finery.

Effortless chic in a simple cotton
shirt dress from Monsoon.

Yeah, er, Nicky's joint a cult
of masturbators who obsess over

a girl they've never met,
and swap theories on her height

relative to light switches
and door knobs.

That's correct, Meg, we do.

We like to admire her from afar.

It's basically my ideal
relationship.

All the pain, none of that sweet,
complicated game.

That sounds quite powerfully
depressing, Nicky.

Well, it absolutely isn't, Alison.

That's about all I can say on that.

Anyway, yeah, he came.

Now he's gone. I lost my window.

I mean, he probably wasn't
your type anyway.

You're not exactly Tesco, are you?

I can do Tesco, Alison.

Can you, though, Meg?

Please! I can turn it on whenever
I want.

I could lark normo for somebody.

Sure you can, Captain Normality.

Oh, you don't think I can do normal?

Nicky, I-I can do so normal

that I would make Alison look like a
psychedelic cr*ck hippie

who's trying to barbecue her
own dreadlocks.

DOOR SHUTS

Night, Meg.

BEEP
Hi, er, this is a message for Greg
the tradesman.

Erm, our boiler's still not working,
weirdly,

and I wondered if you could maybe
pop round to fix it.

You know, I've reached
a sort of zen with it now.

I surrender myself unto the mission.

Now, please excuse me while I lash
myself with this scart cable.

DOG BARKING

Sorry, ignore that,
that's just Bogs.

Bogs? Bogs. Big Bogs. Annette's dog.

He's a German shepherd and
he doesn't like me at all very much.

He's made that very clear.

We shut him out in the hall cos
otherwise he gets a bit bitey

and humpy.

Worst bit's the sex.

You guys f*ck the dog?!

No! God. He just likes to watch us.

Bogs watches you f*ck?

I mean, there's a gate,
so he can't get in,

but he just...sits and watches.

BARKING

And he growls every time
I go on top.

He's not even very keen on the
sideyways one,

so now I just...just stay on
the bottom.

He's trained you, Russell.

Bogs has trained you.

You now f*ck to please that dog.

You're basically a camgirl for a
German shepherd.

BUZZER

Right. The tradesman's back.

Time to go full metal normo.

Tradesman Greg! Two days in a row,
God, people'll start to talk.

How are you?

How were the roads?

Were the roads kind to you?

Yeah, not bad. Um...so what's
happened with this, then?

I don't know. It's weird,
it's like it's gone totally f*cked.

Yeah, it's like it's haunted
or something.

You know, clanking noises,
steam coming out of it.

We had... We had water spraying out
of the toilet a am. What?

So...what you've done to it,
Greg, f*ck only knows.

GREG SIGHS

How many spanners have you got?

What's that? In total, spanners.

Erm..., .

A goodly amount of spannery things!

Gogglebox.

f*ck me senseless, what a show.

I don't really watch it, you know.

Oh, yeah, what you too...

NORTHERN ACCENT: ..too busy
getting trousered

with yer mates down snooker club?

No idea why I went northern.

Do you like eggs?

Do I...? Like eggs.

Erm...

..yeah, sometimes. OK, great.
You want eggs?

No, I like eggs, but I...

You keep working, I'll rustle you up
a six egg breakfast.

What's a six egg breakfast?

Greg, sweetheart,
you let me worry about that.

Yeah, she's in a good mood today.

She just posted on her Insty -

got a macchiato from that
place down the road that she likes.

Oh, let's just hope they remembered

to spell her name correctly
this time.

Don't worry, I phoned the cafe.

Needless to say, they won't be
making that mistake again.

HE CHUCKLES

NICKY LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Seriously, though, I...phoned in
a b*mb thr*at.

The manager got a burn on his face
from a tear gas canister.

Oh, dear.

Erm, we're going to go
and harvest some gear for her.

Do you mind keeping an eye?

Don't, er, don't bother her, just
show her devotion by your presence.

Meg, Meg, the girl from the game,
she wants to voice chat,

and I'm totally blank. I don't know
what to...

What are some of the things that
people can say?

Nicky, Nicky, come here.

WHISPERING: Nicky, Nicky,
can you shut the f*ck up, please,

because I'm trying to act
f*cking normal?

What the f*ck are you doing?

I'm cooking a six egg breakfast.

What the f*ck is a
six egg breakfast?

I don't know. I've put two in
an omelette,

but now I've got four f*cking
eggs left

and I don't know where to put them.
Where do I put them?

Do I...put them in the beans? You
can't put the eggs in the beans.

Eggy beans, I've heard of those,
right? Have I heard of those?

This is how you're trying to flirt
with the tradesman, is it?

You're trying to bind him up with a
box of eggs?

Er, no, actually, Nicky, because
I've got a line.

What line? A pick-up line.

Go on, then, let's hear it.

I'm not telling you, but...

..it's potent and it is suggestive.

And when I drop it,
it will be a*t*matic f*ck time.

Meg, I don't know what to
say to her!

Nicky. Come in, Nicky.

This is what you say, and you might
want to write this down.

You tell her you own a Les Paul
guitar, you're part French,

you eat a lot of oily fish,
and you sometimes cry.

You have a niece
and she's priceless.

You own a -speed mountain bike,

and you've ridden it at
speed downhill.

Follow those instructions, kemosabe,
you'll be dipped in unicorn sh*t.

NICKY EXHALES

Hi, erm, sorry to intrude.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful,
but I was just wondering

if you could stop following me
everywhere and waving at me.

Oh, wait, that's why you wanted to
talk to me.

Oh, OK, cos I thought you wanted
a genuine interaction,

but no, it's just a...just
a boilerplate rejection.

Oh, thank f*ck.

I mean, it's obviously very
flattering, this whole movement

that's popped up around me, and,
you know, I'm thankful

for all of the drawings,
and the poetry,

and even the animatronic
waxwork model.

Oh. Wow. Must be weird being you.

Oh, I mean, no-one's ever really
thought about it

from my point of view, but, yeah.

Yeah, it's a bit of an adjustment.
Sort of.

I guess the level of scrutiny,
I think.

I never really had, like,
boyfriends at school,

so, erm, yeah...

There was one kid that...

He stared at me quite a lot.
Quite intense.

But, erm, did turn out that he used
to lick frozen fish fingers

like they were lollipops.

Look, I get it, you're rejecting me.

Obviously I'm crushed,

but I'll...I'll just swallow it.

Oh! Oh.

Cos I find misery to
be like pudding in that, erm,

no matter how stuffed you are...

..there's always
room for a little more.

Waving guy, erm...

..tell me something,
do you like to grind?

Yes, nice, cool, friendly girl
who likes video games,

I very much like to grind.

Well, then...then shall we?

Yeah, sure.

So...

..erm, what you've got here is, erm,
an omelette, scrambled egg,

fried egg, boiled egg, poached egg,
and, oh, and also I just

found a spare egg at the back of the
fridge so that is just a raw egg.

Just a basic seven seasons of egg.

That's a lot of egg, innit?

Thank you, Greg, yes, it is.

So, a little birdy tells me you and
Daisy

have been doing a little
voice on voice.

Yeah. Yeah, God, she...she's
so amazing.

She's really nice and she has this
amazing voice.

Like a probiotic voiceover voice.

I want you to tell me everything.

We did talk about her
diet for a bit.

Your theory about her possible
calcium deficiency holds up.

Bravo. You did it.

You have established a
human connection.

We shall call you Neo,
for you have been prophesied.

God, thanks, mate,
that's really nice.

Now disciples!

ROARING

Oh, you bastards! You're coshing me.

You total, total bastards!

Punch him harder, disciples!

Punch him harder, disciples!
Curse him! Curse him!

Gut him!

So, erm...

..anyhow...

..seeing as you know so much about
the plumbings of a house,

I was wondering how much you knew
about the plumbings, erm,

of a woman.

What?

Do you know what it is?
I don't know what's going on.

I fixed this yesterday
and it's, erm...

..it's broken again.

Right, yeah, does seem like you're
bit of a bad boiler engineer.

But, er, anyway, in terms of
plumbings of a woman...

Meg!

Meg! Ignore him.

He's an oddball.

Erm, cos the thing is,
Greg, as a woman, I've got pipes,

and I was wondering how much of
your knowledge

of central heating systems
is transferable to me.

Meg!

Can you come and help me, please.

Basically, what I'm proposing,
I think, er, if it's not too gross,

is an inspection of my
internal waterworks.

Meg, please, I'm being coshed
by a group of radical men in here.

Erm... Meg!

Meg! Please! I think
you should go help your mate.

Ah. OK.

I get it.

You've seen right through me.

Pink-haired freako with fringe
interests and a seven egg breakfast.

No, I... No, congrats, you got me.

Probably got Parkinson's
disease anyway.

By the way, erm, I smashed up
the boiler with a can of soup, so...

..good luck with that.

So I got to thinking as I was trying
and failing to build the bookcase

that would save my marriage,
it's about sacrifice.

That's the key to everything -
to love, to honour, to happiness.

And that's why, Russell, I need you
to stand over there

and get f*cked to death by
that monster.

OK, then.

It's distracted. Run!

Oh, my God, we did it!

Hurray.

Nah, I'm just so happy you finally
did it.

Thanks, though, Meg,
for rescuing me from the weirdos.

Oh. Guess it's just where I belong,
isn't it?

Back here with the oddballs.

I'm sorry, Meg.

I know very much how you wanted that
tradesperson to f*ck you.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Um, Meg...

..I just found this.

Russell!

Will you come upstairs
for me, please?

DOG BARKS

Now!

I got to go, guys.