02x06 - Flanks/Yams

[bunniefuu]

KNOCK ON DOOR

You OK, Meg?

Well, the game is now sh*t,
I've been promoted twice and I hate

my job, and I've just been dumped
by the world's most fascinating man.

Did you know he was an accredited
cobbler? Yes. Yeah, I did know that.

You know Back To The Future, right?
Or Hot Tub Time Machine,

Timecop, Source Code, Looper,
Interstellar, Monkeys,

Time Bandits, Timecrimes,
The Girl Who Leapt Through Time,

The Time Machine,
and various other sequels?

I know some of those films, Meg.

Do you ever wish you could just go
back? Well, me and Jay are pretty...

..but no. Totally.
SHE SIGHS

Oh, Meg. Hiya, Mum.
Are you all right? Yeah.

Good. Can I just pop up to my
room quickly?

VIDEO MUSIC JINGLES

Behold, retro Kingdom Scrolls,
the glory days.

Look at these low-res polys.
How did we live like this, Meg?

We were just kids, Usman.
We didn't know any better.

This was a different time -

Avril Lavigne and flip phones,
before Facebook came along

and gave mums a platform to sell
kitchen items.

And why are we playing this, again?

Cos, I don't mean to sound harsh,
but it looks f*cking sh*t.

It's just less accessible, you know?

Cos modern Kingdom Scrolls is
just so f*cking accessible.

See, I think that's why I liked it,
cos it's accessible.

That's because you basically have a
disability, Russell.

You're gaming disabled.
Or game unable, if you prefer.

My God, it's so basic and
repetitive. Nicky would love this.

Where is he anyway? Oh, um, I think
he's getting ready to

meet his girlfriend for the first
time or whatever. Usman!

Guys, I need to bounce,
Zara's making me a big lunch.

Usman, I think it's time.

Oh, boy.

Argh! Ow!

Sorry, Martin just gave me
a dead arm. Martin?

Yeah, there's a man living with me
now. It's me, Annette, and Martin.

He just goes wherever he wants.
He's like a house cat but a man.

A house man.

OK, no, Russell, this is a
nightmare.

Just get out of there and go home.

Holy sh*t. That's
Bramble Thatch Farm.

That's our old place, mine
and Nicky's, from my old save.

We had cattle, pigs,
a herd of slaves.

We lived here, just me and Nicky
and...

THUDDING IN GAME

CHILD IN GAME: Mama, papa.
Mama, papa.

Mama, papa. Mama, papa.

Oh, my God. Tobias?

Oh, um... For Daisy.

What's on the menu?
What is this giant meat here?

Veal flanks. OK.

I don't think the flanks are going
to fit in the slow cooker, Nicky.

That's why I've got the hand axe.

Sure, I just think any meal that
involves an axe,

maybe not on a first date.

Totally. God, it is so good
you're here. You know so much.

Yeah, and what are you serving with
the veal flanks.

Yams! Interesting, because it
doesn't sound much like a dinner,

does it, Nicky, Flanks and yams?

It sort of does. Flanks and yams.
Yams and flanks. Like surf and turf.

Quite heavy as a meal. No, but that
is good, you see.

If I was a girl and a man cooked me
a meal, I would want him

to make me something really massive
and filling. You know?

Like, "I fancy you so much, I want
your stomach to be really full."

Depends, really, on whether you're
thinking of having sex later

because it will sit quite heavy,
the mashed yam,

as a kind of cushion for the sheer
metric weight of the flanks.

Because I also got quite a big
Christmas pudding for dessert.

Yeah, you're not going to want
Christmas pudding, Nicky,

not after the big yam-flank
double-header.

Plus, because ours is getting
quite disgusting -

bit of an impulse buy really...

HE GROANS

I bought a new toilet.

Because I thought about cleaning
ours but then I thought maybe it's

just better to start from scratch,
you know, like a hard reboot?

But then I watched a YouTube
video on it

and realised toilets aren't
like light bulbs, in that they're

actually really quite
difficult to change.

Now I'm thinking I probably
shouldn't have brought it.

Just try and keep it tidy
because Jay's coming over to stay

and he's not really into this
flatmate sh*t.

He's encouraging me
to be more grown-up.

How could you be more grown-up,
Alison?

Get an artificial hip, start leaving
voicemails? Oh, look at this!

The big preparations. Meat, yams,
a new toilet.

All angles covered.

I just hope you know what you're
doing, Nicky. Look, I get it.

It's a big deal.

When you meet someone IRL
you open yourself up, right?

Will it happen? Who knows? If it
happens, it happens.

It might happen.
It might not happen.

Let's just see if it happens.

I am of course talking about m*rder.
m*rder? Oh, she could be a m*rder*r.

Big time, yeah. I will just make
sure I've got a w*apon. OK.

No, Nicky. Not like a crossbow,
Alison. Jesus.

You know, room w*apon.
Lampshade, heavy wooden fruit

bowl, so I can, you know,
brain her if she goes psychotic. Oh.

By the way, in case you cared, he's
still alive.

Tobias, Nicky. Our boy.

Tobias is alive? I found him on my
server. Little Toby. OK, I'm sorry.

I can feel my throat trying
to claw these words back

as escape from my mouth.
But who the f*ck is Tobias?

Here's an NPC child in
Kingdom Scrolls,

controlled by the computer.

Um, we were supposed to escort him
across a desert

and reunite him with his parents,

then we figured out that if we lured
Tobias home with us,

then we could brick him in and keep
him indefinitely.

And then the new version came out,
we migrated eight years ago.

You bricked a child in a room
for eight years? Not just any child.

We used to role-play that he was
ours. Hang on, you two had a son?

An adopted son, yes. And I think it

is finally time to reunite him with
his birth parents. OK, mate.

I don't have time for this
because I need to get the dinner on

because apparently you're only
a real person now

if you cook
something for f*cking ages.

Bake a potato for nine years,
watch a Poldark...

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Hello? Hi, is this Nicky's place?

My phone ran out of battery on the
Megabus

and I'm quite dramatically early.

WHISPERS: What kind of sociopath
arrives three hours early?

KNOCKING CONTINUES

Nicky. Nicky, look at me.
You need to let her in.

Christ.

Daisy?

I bought an ice cream at the kebab
shop. Worst decision I ever made.

Would you like to come in or have
you immediately changed your mind?

I haven't changed my mind yet
based on the available data set

but, you know, that is admittedly
quite small. Great.

Unless you don't want me to come in.
I don't have to. No, God. No, no.

I really want you to come in.

Yeah, not aggressively. I'm not
being pushy. You don't have to.

There are women here.
Look at the women.

Hello. These aren't captives. They
are just normal free-range women.

Look very happy, the woman, even if
they are enslaved.

Yeah, they do, don't they?
Boop, boop.

HE CHUCKLES

Is that yes? Yeah, come on in.

This is Daisy. That's Daisy. She's
here. She has come. Welcome to...

Daisy's here! Hi, I'm Meg.

Sorry, I didn't quite catch your
name. Daisy. Yeah. Yeah.

I love your hair and you've got such
an amazing array of teeth.

Oh!

Gosh, thanks. Thank you. Alison.
Alison, yeah, incredible posture.

And skin.

And your hands are perhaps
the loveliest hands

I've seen in a while. Gosh, thanks.

So...

DAISY CLEARS THROAT

So, um, I've set a heritage server
up, retro Kingdom Scrolls.

She doesn't need to know about
that, Meg. No, no, no.

I love old Kingdom Scrolls!

Yeah, I was, like, raised on it!
Same!

Um, we were going back to
a mission on an old save.

We're reuniting Tobias
with his parents. Tobias,

oh, my gosh, the little NPC kid.

Yeah, with the dirty knees and the
no face. Yeah.

Oh, I f*cking love that kid!

Us to. We abducted him. You can
abduct Tobias?!

It's just a stupid joke. I don't
really... I'm not involved.

No, it's awesome. That's so cool!
Yeah, impressive.

Such a long abduction. Yeah. Yeah,

we were thinking about finally
finishing the mission, you know,

finally sending him home. Yeah,
count me in. I'm up for it, totally!

What, do you mean like the three of
us

together? Yeah, of course, I
mean, you know, it'll be fun.

Like a three way.

Ha! Ha!
HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

No, that's cool.
Yeah, I'm cool with that. Sounds...

Cool. Cool. Shall we retire to the
boud...? Yeah.

Do you actually mind if I
probably bin this? Yes!

Yeah, the bin is just there.
It's like I'm holding a... Ah!

"Hello! What are your thoughts,
Mr Prime Minister?"

I don't... I'm not... I'll get rid
of that. Sorry. That's...

Yeah, cool. I'm just going to
put this in the bin.

Oh, go... Oh. Yep. It's fine.
Alison...

Alison is really good at clearing
up. Ooh, sorry.

This way, my lady.
Just through here. OK.

Three plates, three glasses. One
flank, three ways with a hand axe.

A mass of wild yams, split three
ways. And Christmas pud for afters!

This is so amazing. The three of us
playing together, it just works.

She's amazing. I f*cking love her.
God, she's so amazing.

Sounds weird but I get it now,
I do. She deserves a new toilet.

She totally deserves a new toilet.

She shouldn't have to expose her
buttocks to that limescaled

atrocity in there.

My, the meal is so dense it might
actually cr*ck a plate.

We're cooking dinner for Daisy.
Division of labour.

She's looking after Tobias while we
cook and then later, at the end of

the day, we will just sleep together
in a pile in front of the fire.

I'm sorry if you find that
confronting, Alison.

I literally didn't say anything.

Is not like we're some weirdo
three-way sex cult with me

as the de facto leader.

Having said that, we are always
on the lookout for more womenfolk.

Extra pair of hands would make short
work of the raisin harvest.

Once we've return Tobias we are

thinking of retiring to
Bramble Thatch Farm.

Opening up the muffin stand in
time for another winter festival.

Me and Daisy wearing matching
bonnets, if you're into that.

Oh...

It's so tempting but no thank you.

And if you could keep this to a dull
roar cos Jay is here.

He's here? yeah, we're
brainstorming ways to break it to

Kerry about our relationship,
turn it into a kind of an event,

like a gender reveal party
but for infidelity.

I don't know.

I just hope you've got this sh*t
locked down, Nicky, you and Daisy,

because she is a great fit for us.

Meg, of course I've got
this sh*t lockdown.

Although, now I think of it, I can't
remember any actual physical

contact since she arrived.
What, none?

None at all? Right,
you need to get in there

and you need to touch her right now.

Meg, I'm not going in there
and touching her.

What if she is only your friend,
Nicky?

What if she is not even your
girlfriend and you have gone

so in love with her that you brought
her a f*cking toilet?!

Just get in there, pile her full
of yams, and lock this sh*t down!

Yeah, OK. Oh, f*ck!

Mama, Papa.

Right, just need to escort Tobias
across the desert of skulls.

Oh, do you actually mind
if we take a quick breather?

I think I've got a veal hangover.
That was an incredibly hefty meal.

Thank you. I just think I feel a bit
claggy. You know?

Mmm, claggy, I love that. The first
sign of a good feed.

Yeah.

Oh.

Do you want me to rub it for you?
Your throat?

Like a throat rub? Just sort of
like?

Just massage the Adam's apple, just
to aid digestion, really.

I don't actually have an Adam's
apple. Thank you.

Oh, course you don't. Sorry!

I was... Right, let's get back to
it. Sure.

USMAN: Hey, guys,

contractions are slow this end so
we've got some time.

Whose contractions?
Who do you think? Zara, my wife.

Wait, she's pregnant?

She is pregnant as balls, as
I believe the obstetricians say.

Holy sh*t, Usman.

I know.
I can't believe it myself. A baby!

Because I've got two children
and, what, now a third?

The mind boggles,
it really, truly does.

And she's OK, yeah, Zara?
Oh, she's fine.

I was stroking her arm
and I thought, "This is so cute,

"this is really helping her
to sleep."

So I rigged up an electric fan to
a bit of wire coat hanger with

a bit of feather on the end
and she is loving it.

I'm just glad I could be here
to do that for her.

Oh, tits on a snake, I'm dead!

OK, Nicky, Daisy is dead. Let's both
k*ll ourselves and start again.

Totally. Let's k*ll ourselves
so we can be dead with Daisy.

No, it's fine. If you're halfway
through just go on ahead without me.

Daisy, we're a three now. A golden
triangle. We do this together.

No, you have to finish what you
started.

You're his mum and you're his dad.
It's a big deal, I get it.

I mean, not really.

It's just some stupid role play
thing

from , years ago or whatever.

A little more than that but,
yeah, no, he's right.

It's not like we're f*cking
married or anything.

Although we were briefly in
Kingdom Scrolls but that was just...

Just for the XP.

Cos there is no feelings or
whatever. Oh, f*ck my slippers, no.

God, actually makes my pubes
turn grey just thinking about it.

My pubes are visibly falling out.

You can't see them because they are
in my trousers but they are.

TPA. Total pube alopecia.
Lot of pube chat.

If I actually had any
feelings for Meg, would I do this?

SHE LAUGHS

Exactly!
And would I then go like this?

See? Clonk!

Careful on the old elementals there,
Meg.

Oh-ho-ho! Smiting your game wife,
not a great look, Nicky.

Look at us, hey? A domestic.
What will the neighbours say?

They will probably say,

"Wow, that hunchback is really
ragging on that man boy in a cape."

Not a man boy, Meg.
She's got very narrow shoulders.

Oh, your total goggle-eyed bitch!

Uh-oh. No, my mouse is lagging!

Nicky... Nicky, no!
Just think of Tobias. No, come on...

SHE GASPS

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

See?

Absolutely no feelings whatsoever.

OK. Well, she's in here.

Ha-ha! OK. All that unsaved progress
up in smoke, nice.

Wait, no, Nicky. That's my room.
Nicky! No, no, no!

Oh, my God! What the f*ck, Nicky?
You did it to me!

Yeah, but only because you stoned
my head in in front of our son!

What, do you think he saw?

He doesn't even have a f*cking face,
Meg?

What the f*ck is going on here?
Thank God! OK.

Well, Nicky has assaulted me, and
I did not want to play this card,

Alison, but I am basically just
a victim of spousal abuse!

Enough! You've woken up Jay and, God
knows, he needs his sleep right now.

Also, earlier, in the kitchen,
he finds a toilet

and a significant quantity
of leftover boiled yams.

And how the f*ck am I supposed to
explain that?!

Now, I put up with
a lot from you two

and I just think perhaps it might be
time, not immediately,

not tonight, but one day that you
think about finding your own place.

Because, you know, Jay might want to
move in at some point

and the kids are going to
want their own room,

and he's got dogs,
which I've just found out about.

f*ck! Finally it all becomes

clear because I thought you were
just being a mate, Alison.

You know, "Get a boyfriend, Meg.
Drink more water. Go outside, Meg.

"Oh, nutrients!"

Alison, were you just trying to
turn me into a normal person

so that I would leave your flat?
What? No!

Getting me over my addiction,

Healthy balance,
normalising my libido?

Alison, have you been preparing me
for the real world.

I mean, what the
f*ck is this, Alison?

Is this some kind of jihadi training
camp but instead of teaching people

to blow themselves up, you teach
them

how to get themselves a boyfriend
or make a poke bowl?!

It's actually po-KE.
Oh, big fat sh*t, Alison!

I'm not saying now. I'm just saying
you can't stay here forever.

That's fine. We didn't even want to
stay here forever, did we, Nicky?

Actually, I think perhaps I did.
So I'm just playing catch up.

MEG SCOFFS

Nicky?

Oh...

Right, so that's my supposedly
girlfriend

inside the bivouacked tent
inside the living room.

And finally
my sexual humiliation is complete.

Just so glad you were both here to
share it with me.

Oh, hey.

Hello!

I like your tent. Thanks.

Essentially just
a polyester body bag.

Weirdly, they called

and offered a deal on an earlier
flight back to Salzburg.

Well, that was nice of them.

So I just pushed a button on an
Uber and, yeah, it's two minutes.

And, uh, in terms of, like, you and
me.

Yeah, I just don't know
if I'm equipped for this content.

You and Meg...

It's just, I'm an emotional invalid

and this here seems like some pretty
harsh psychological terrain.

Sort of like a psychosexual Mordor
but it's been super fun.

Oh. Oh. Oh, sorry. Nice mallet.
Yeah, it's for the tent.

Also to use as a cosh in case you
turned out to be some

sort of berserk pervert. Oh!

That's so weird. I actually had
a lampshade ready for you. Donk!

Oh, my god! Yeah. We were both
totally ready to slay each other.

Going forward, um, would it be OK
if I called you my ex-girlfriend?

Oh, uh...

I guess that would be fine.
OK then, great.

TEXT MESSAGE NOTIFICATION
Will do.

Arriving now.

Great, one minute early.
f*cked by the algorithm once again.

Yeah. Um...

Bye, then, waving guy.

Bye.

USMAN: My God, I've just
rubbed my wife's back

so hard I've given myself thumb
cramps.

I was taking a minute
comfort break.

Usman, don't you think
you should be in there with her?

Well, in a very real way,
I already am.

I rigged up a pillow with
a Bluetooth speaker inside it and

I've recorded over unique phrases
which are playing on shuffle.

"Push, honey."

"You're doing great."

HE GASPS
"I can see the head!"

So where are we on the mission?
You know what, Usman?

I've turned a blind eye more times
than I can remember.

I mean, that time you
logged on from the vestibule

at your cousin's memorial service.

No, shut down the laptop,
get back in there or, God help me,

I will smite you down myself.

What am I doing?

I'm about to become a father
for the third time and, look at me,

hiding by the dialysis clinic
and meanwhile my beautiful wife

is being serviced by a desk fan
and a talking pillow.

No, I'm out of here! Meg, thank you,
but you are on your own.

MOBILE RINGS

Hello?
ALISON CRYING

OK. Alison, slow down.
Jay just broke up with me!

Nicky!

Go and ask her if she's OK.
I can't ask her if she's OK, Meg.

I'm visibly making the tea.
I'm visibly making the tea.

Nicky...

Fine then, Nicky!

Are you OK, mate? No, I don't...
I don't want to talk about it.

I just want to get drunk.

Just anything to stop
myself from thinking.

I mean...
if it's mindlessness you're after.

Here comes the pain train,
m*therf*ckers!

Alison, Alison, Alison!
They are all dead, Alison.

Oh, sorry.
I'm just getting used to it.

RUSSELL: Hey, guys. What did I miss?

Oh, my God, Russell. Please tell me
you made it out of Annette's.

Yeah, because guess what,
one of my friends from the game

offered me a place to stay
so I just got on the next plane.

Sorry, you got on a plane?

Yeah...to the Philippines.
I've moved to the Philippines!

I've really landed on my feet
this time.

Russell, get me
a can of Mountain Dew

and angle the desk fan
towards my arse cr*ck.

HE SINGS TO HIMSELF

Shut up.

NICKY: We did it. We finally did it.

Finally. Mama, Papa!

He's home. Back where he belongs.

Oh, my God. Is Kingdom Scrolls
usually this emotional?

Alison, do you honestly think
I would play it

if it was as heart-stirring as this?

So what's next? Another cy-mish?

Bring it on. I never want to
leave the flat again.

I have waited for you to say those
words my entire adult life, Alison.

Guys, I have an announcement to make
and it's pretty damn huge.

It's going mobile.

They just announced
Kingdom Scrolls Go

for iPhone and Android!

♪ Kingdoms Scrolls

♪ It's fun for young and old

♪ We come to fight for gold

♪ An experience board

♪ Kingdoms Scrolls

♪ I love thee, Kingdoms Scrolls

♪ Just like... ♪