02x01 - The Spirits in the Cemetery

[bunniefuu]

Okay, and we're back!

Which of these 18 beauties from
every corner of our beautiful continent

will be crowned Nuestra Belleza Latina
Our Latin Beauty?

A round of applause
for these gorgeous women!

Bravo!

Who will be this year's
Nuestra Belleza Latina?

Let's see. Can I get
a drumroll please, maestro?

And the winner
of Nuestra Belleza Latina is...

Miss Puerto Rico!

Let's give her a round of applause!

Bravo!

What a beautiful and gorgeous woman

with her bouquet and her crown.

No! Oh my God! Be careful!

Can we please get a medic over here?

An anchor traversed
Nuestra Belleza Latina!

Don't touch her!
It could be contagious!

IOS ESPOOKYS

As you can see, my sculpture is, in fact,
a very faithful depiction of Shakira.

I'm grateful to Miss Shakira for coming
here in person to clarify this matter.

Shakira...

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Wow, I can't believe how accurately
you captured my likeness.

You see, everyone is used
to seeing me on TV,

where I'm wearing a lot of makeup
and they re-touch me with special effects,

but as you can see...

one of my eyes is actually
bigger than the other,

my mouth is way too close to my nose,
which is very pointy,

and my lips are really swollen.

So please, don't be mad at this
woman for making this statue

given that it's the only one
that actually looks like me.

Well, I have to go now.
I'm late for the World Cup.

Le ro lo le lo le. Waka waka!

Shakira gave me her autograph!

Here's the sum we agreed on.
I counted it really well.

And thank you so much for
helping me defend my art.

Well, now I need your help
with some other little tasks.

Yeah, sure.

My husband bought
a very complicated TV

that comes with like
three different remotes,

so I need you to come with me
and show me how to lower the volume.

Well, we don't know much about TVs,
but of course we can go...

- No.
- No.

No? Well, maybe next time.

- I have an idea for a new fruit.
- Let's hear it.

It's red. That's all I have so far
because I just thought of it.

- But I know it doesn't have seeds.
- Hello?

- Hi, is this Miss Ursula?
- Yes.

What a joy to hear
your voice for the first time.

You don't know me,
but you've won a grand prize!

And to redeem it, you have to come alone,
unarmed, to the following address...

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, Tommy! She hung up on us again!

Now Boss is going to be really mad at us.

I b*rned myself!

You're my spy, Frutsi.

You work for me.

Kids, let's go to the supermarket.

Renaldo, the woman is back.

Shhh, Frutsi.

Shhh! Frutsi, no.

Frutsi, yes.
Don't take orders from her.

Mom! I can't stand Frutsi's
new alliances with Andrés.

Express yourself, Frutsi.

Turn off the television.
We're leaving in five minutes.

No, don't take us to the supermarket!

Renaldo, I promise if you take me
to the supermarket with that woman,

I'm going to stay in the car with
the windows up, overheat, and die.

What a strange place.

I see potions...

I see boxes...

But I don't see... food.

It's as if someone took the food
from a restaurant, deconstructed it,

and hid the parts throughout this place.

No, dude. The supermarket is where
you buy ingredients, take them home,

and then you cook them.

But I don't cook.

I eat food. Delicious food.
I am Andrés.

Son, do you want pasta?
I can make it like your dad liked it

with white sauce
and little chunks of ham.

- Mmm tasty.
- Sure, Mom.

Why is life so hard?

I can't bear listening to that woman
and her little chunks of ham.

What?

Renaldo, is this the horrible
underwear you wear?

You buy them here?
Where they sell tomatoes?

Renaldo, the woman insists on buying
you an extra large, in case you grow.

Thank you.

I told her you weren't
going to grow anymore.

What we see here is a pie chart.

Pie charts are divided into pieces
that represent parts of the whole.

Next, you'll see various examples
of a bar graph.

Bar graphs convey information vertically.

Up next, line graphs.

Welcome home, Mrs. Tati.

Allow me to take your Toshiba.

- And your purse.
- No, never.

Only Tati can touch this purse.

Let's crush them.

Hold on.

Tati, how was work?

Stressful, but good.

Lots of slides today.
My neck hurts.

She's so funny!

You should see her brushing her teeth!

Oh, it's nice to see you having
so much fun with

your... wife.

Your sister is in the kitchen.

Tati enters.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I brought your marble.

You're a lifesaver.
Thank you.

Thanks for inviting me to dinner.

It's very important to me that you spend
quality time with my husband.

Tati...

how long do you plan on staying here?

For the rest of my life.

You heard my vows.

Tati, I'm a little worried that you're
getting carried away with this marriage.

- What?
- Of course I'm invested in my marriage.

I'm making his favorite food:
gazpacho.

He loves my cooking...

Tati,

I'm scared that you
don't see this marriage for what it is.

Sure, we have our ups and downs
like every couple...

You know...
some trouble in the bedroom.

Tati, he's gay,

and we tricked him into marrying you.

I see what's happening.

You're jealous of me.

You've always been jealous of me.

God forbid Tati is happy for once.

God forbid the idiot Tati marry a handsome
man who loves her and her cooking.

God forbid things work out for me
and I finally get some respect.

You know what, Ursula?

I don't think there's enough
gazpacho for the three of us.

The families compete against
each other, so it's really...

- Into the water?
- Into the water.

Is something wrong?
Nobody has cat-called me all afternoon.

Do you not like what you see?

No, no, sweetie, you look beautiful!

I wasn't talking to you, pervert!

I don't feel comfortable making
comments about your appearance

in front of your father.

Me neither.

Pussies.

Don't touch, don't touch it!

How we gonna match the keys
with the tickets?

Hello, good afternoon.

- Hi, how are you?
- Welcome to Sunset Sushi.

- Thank you.
- Can I take that for you?

No, there's no need.
This is one of those new,

self-parking cars.

Thank you
for coming to my baby shower.

Well, let's see what you got
my beautiful little baby.

Oh, what a gorgeous rattle!

I should probably tell you
that I decided not to adopt.

But let's not let that spoil the fun.

Let's keep opening presents.

I made it myself.

Nico!

It's so cute!

Thank you very much.

It's so nice to meet you.
Andrés has told me a lot about you.

Oh, yeah?

No, I haven't told you anything.

- Well, I've heard a lot about you.
- But, from who?

I only said that I started sleeping
with some cute new guy.

Aww. Nico is so sweet.

Oh, you like him?
You can have him when I'm done.

I know much you like my leftovers.

If you're talking about Juan Carlos,

I want you to know that he's finally
satisfied in bed.

Now the party is getting good!

I think I know what this is,
but I'm dying to hear your explanation.

- It's a cane.
- Continue.

Because the baby will eventually
grow old and need help walking.

Tati, so practical!

Pony, I didn't bring a gift because I knew
you wouldn't actually adopt.

Úrsula, you're so mean!

So bitter...

but so wise.

Pony, I need your advice.

Yeah?

It's about a ghost.

Look, I was at the supermarket...

- Yeah?
- Then I turned a corner...

How scary! Go on.

And...

I saw Karina, Nuestra Belleza Latina.

Wait.

Did she look something like... this?

- No.
- Then it wasn't a ghost.

Tell me, have you been sleeping okay?

No. ever since Andrés
started staying with me,

I've been sleeping on the floor.

I haven't been able to rest.

Look, I think the tragedy of Karina's
death has deeply affected you,

so you've been dreaming about her.

You see, at night,
our hopes and fears

leave our minds and put on
little plays in our rooms.

These are called dreams.

You need to be sound asleep,

so they can get back into your mind.

For that, you need to rest.

- It's all online.
- What?

It's all online.

Alright, okay.

Well, I'm gonna try to sleep better.

- I'm gonna try to sleep well!
- Super!

- We have to go!
- What?

We have to go. We're going to be late
to meet the client.

Los Espookys,
off to the Espooky-mobile!

Cool.

Congratulations!

Look, there's somebody there.

Good evening, sir.

Excuse me, are you the groundskeeper?

No.

Do you know where we can find him?

The house is over there.

Cool, thanks.

This is where he said, right?

Sir?

Excuse me, are you the groundskeeper?

For starters, my name is Oliver Twix...

like the movie.

Okay.

And let me tell you something.

Oliver Twix doesn't have time to bury
the bodies where they belong.

So now I have to deal with all these
people who come here crying, saying,

"Where's my uncle? Where's my mom?

Where's my grandma?
Where are the bodies?"

And I tell them, "Sweetie, I told you
I was going to bury your deceased.

I never said I was going to bury
them in the right place."

So all the bodies
are in the wrong graves?

"So all the bodies
are in the wrong graves?"

Sweetie, in this cemetery,
Oliver Twix has a system.

You bring me a body,
you leave me alone,

you come the next day
and the body's been buried.

Everything was going perfectly

until one day the police needed
to excavate a body,

and it turned out to be the wrong body.

So the cop told the family,
the family told their friends,

and their friends told everyone.

Then everyone realized that all the
bodies are buried in the wrong places.

And suddenly,
everyone hates Oliver Twix.

And like I said,
I don't have time for this.

So, you guys are going to fix it.

Sure.

Well, leave me alone

before I miss an entire episode of Mi
Puta Suegra (My f*cking Mother-in-Law).

Fernando, I told you turn off the TV!

It breaks my heart to say this,

but as you may have heard by now,

self-parking cars
are the way of the future.

And there's no more need for valets.

It has been an honor
to serve with all of you.

I wish you all the very best of luck.

You've a valet with no cars to park.

I suppose that makes me
a wife with no husband.

Sonia was right the whole time.

No job. No wife.

Just your f*ckin'

terror of a completely
dependent and abusive

32-year-old daughter.

Sweetie,
we're gonna make the best of it.

I think maybe we should
go back to my home country.

You can get reconnected
with your roots.

Yeah, go pack.

There better not be
any Spanish there, okay?

Especially coming from

your unemployed-ass mouth!

Listen, you're the one responsible here,

so you have to tell me
where my husband is.

Yes, lady, I already told you
everything will be explained soon,

but I need you to calm down.

How are we supposed to calm down?
Are you insane?

- Where are our loved ones?
- I need to know where my son is!

Why did you move my husband?

- Okay. That's enough.
- Tell me!

Lady, calm down.

I need you to calm down because something
very important is going to happen.

Please come with me.

This way.

Right this way. Choose a spot.

Stand right here.

- What's that noise?
- What noise?

- There isn't any noise!
- I also hear noise.

Lady, there isn't any noise.

Oh, so now I'm crazy?

You're imagining things.

Alright, silence.

We're ready and in position to listen
to something very important.

We are ready!

My wife, it's so good to see you.

Oh, it's my husband!

Oliver Twix is just doing
what we asked.

What happened was
we all wanted to switch places

because no one knew where
we wanted to be buried.

So we talked amongst ourselves
and agreed to switch spots.

Yes, exactly.

I was buried next to the highway,
but I wanted to be more in the middle.

And I wanted to be buried
by the highway.

Yeah, it's true.
I saw them switch places.

Grandpa, if that's what you want,
that's fine.

I just want you to be happy.

I am happy and finally at peace.

Yeah, me too, very happy and at peace.

Anyways, that's all we wanted to say,
so now we're going to leave.

Bye!

Wait! Grandpa, please! Please wait!

I am so moved by what I just witnessed.

Now, leave and don't
ever bother Oliver Twix again.

Oh, how rude!

"Free radical q*eer vegan
tarot book swap."

Let's f*cking go!

Hurry up!

Okay, you ready?
Do you have your passport?

If anybody at the airport
asks for my identification,

I'm gonna show them this.

Maybe let's drive there, okay?

Tati, are you okay?

Oh my God.

No, Tati!

I already swallowed it.
Don't worry.

- Good night.
- Oh, Tati.

Hello.

Hello.

Welcome.

Is this the q*eer radical vegan
tarot book swap?

Yes, yes. This is it!

Wait a second... don't I know you?

No, no!

Well, love is love.
I'm a dairy-free Sagittarius.

Follow me. Your tarot reading
will begin shortly right over here.

- And the book swap?
- It's in our reading room.

- You read tarot?
- No, no, I'm just a lowly doorman.

Come, right this way,
in this cold waiting room.

Your tarot reading will start in a minute.

Please, have a seat. Relax.

Meditate and find your center.

And remember to breathe.
Breathe.

And the other q*eer people
will be here soon, huh?

Oh yes, they'll be here very soon.

Breathe.

There you go. Don't stop breathing
because, well, you know.

Look at this...

Look at this...

Karina.

Karina?

Renaldo!

I'm thirsty.

Renaldo! Come here!

Come here!

What?

I can't go out in my little pajamas.

What?

I'm thirsty, and I don't know
where that woman hide the cups.

They're in the kitchen cabinet
where they always are.

The kitchen? I don't know where it is.
I've only lived here for a month.

Alright, I'll get it for you.
It's okay.

Renaldo, I don't want to scare you,

but I can't find my earring.

- What happened to it?
- I don't know. It must've fallen out.

It's very important. I have to find it.

I'll go get a flashlight.
Just wait a sec.

But that could take minutes!

I know.

Hi, Andrecito.

Yes, hi, Moon.

Look, I have an emergency.

I dropped my earring outside, and
I can't find it because it's too dark out.

Could you go full just for a second
so that I can find it?

Oh, Andrecito. You only come to me
when you need a favor.

Moon, please?
It's a very important earring.

It means a lot to me.

Fine.

Only because I've always
loved that earring.

Okay, thanks, Moon.
I owe you one. Thanks!

I found my earring!

Cool.

The girl spend the entire night there.

The mechanism brainwashed her
for over 12 hours.

Now the show can go on
with our new Gregoria Santos.

Hey!

Let me out of here.
I've been trapped here all night.

Do you really think
you can brainwash me?

No one has ever convinced me
of anything.

Oh yes, I should have told you sooner.

She's right. It's not working.

I don't think we can brainwash her.

This has never failed before.

- Do it again!
- No, it can't be.

I've only heard the legend.

What are you talking about, woman?

Double I.