02x03 - The Ruins

[bunniefuu]

How spectacular! Oh my God!

Mayor Teresa Lobos, this is one of
your town's new tourist attractions,

which also includes
the ghost of Marilyn Monroe,

the sea monster,

and Spider-Man!

Mayor Teresa, it's always a pleasure
having you here with us.

Thank you for bringing
this lovely dog.

Is there anything else
you want to share with us?

Oh yes, I'm running for president!

She's running for president!

That's big news!

Mayor Teresa Lobos
is running for president!

Congratulations!

LOS ESPOOKYS

Relax, please.

Just trust me.

She's a big special, really.

Well, nothing is too special for me.

We're going to win this.

Where's your lawyer?

I don't need a man to speak for me.
I'm an independent woman.

You could have hired a female lawyer.

Why? So I can sit here and watch
her flirt with my husband?

I'm not stupid.

I'm gonna take every penny you've got.

Take it easy, Tati. Relax.

I can't believe you want to get rid of me

after all the work
I put into this marriage.

Look me in the eyes and tell me
that your wife of almost four weeks

is not entitled to at least
half of your fortune.

Ms. Fuentes, please, we have an offer
that you can't refuse...

Alright.

You win.
You're right.

You win, Tati.

You deserve a lot.

That's why I'd like to offer you
something very special...

half a box of Juan Carlos Cookies

and this yo-yo.

It has a light inside.

I won the divorce.

They tried to take advantage of me,
but I got the entire box of cookies.

Okay.

Well, this was a fun little chapter.
Let's go home.

Okay.

Are you trying to see me naked?

- What?
- Get out of here, pervert.

I was already in the bathroom.
Besides, you're fully dressed.

I was about to take a shower.

You were gonna hide in the toilet,

and watch me take a shower
and masturbate!

Huh? Thank God I caught you!

Okay, okay, okay.

Who knows how many times
you did this to me already.

I told you to come give me
a foot massage.

Uncle, everything cool?

I don't know what to do now.

Parking was my whole life.

I don't have any other skills.

I feel like I have no purpose.

Have you thought about
becoming a taxi driver?

Yes, I thought of that already,

but I'd only get to park once,
at the end of my shift.

And besides,
what I miss about valeting

is being part of a team.

What if you joined Los Espookys?

Me?

Are you sure?
I scare really easily,

and my feelings get hurt
really, really easily.

I take things deeply personally,
even little things,

and sometimes I say things
that I shouldn't.

And if things go wrong,

I would turn to you to fix it immediately,

much to the detriment of the project.

So, I think that might be
a burden for you.

I think it could be okay.
Let's try it out.

Really? You mean it?

-Yeah.
-OK. Beep beep!

Beep beep!

What's up with you?

What's going on?

Nothing. Sonia gave me a makeover.

Later, she's going to teach me
how to fake a pregnancy.

In one of my lecture halls

this past Wednesday the 13th,

I said q*eer people have worn

a single dangly earring

as a signifier of their sexuality

since the dawn of time.

It was just a thought that I had,

an observation that I wanted
to share about a minority

that was not my own.

Some students and colleagues

didn't appreciate what I shared.

Ironically, some of the q*eer ones

with earrings were offended as well,

especially when they said,

"Well, do you have any evidence
backing this up?"

And I said, "Well, there's you.

And then there's your friend
sitting next to you."

Regrettably, it seems that
this was not sufficient,

And that's why I need your help today.

OK, Mr. Robert Roberts.

So, what do you want us to do exactly?

Professor Robert Roberts.

I need you to plant

some evidence at
an archaeological site

that would seem to depict

early q*eer humans wearing

a single dangly earring.

Do you have anything to say, Andrés?

What? About my earring?

No, this is totally different.

I have nothing more to say.

But since you asked,
this earring has a long back story.

I didn't think we had time,
but I can tell it now,

since you want to hear it so badly.

When I was a kid,
I never did my homework,

and at night I was plagued by guilt.

I worried that I'd get in trouble
for it the next day.

So my parents, instead of making
me do my homework,

they bought me a little silver knight
and put it next to my pillow.

At night, the knight would fend off guilt.

One day, out of nowhere,
the knight broke.

And this is what I have left of it.

I wear it every day because it
empowers me to do whatever I want,

without feeling guilty.

That's a very interesting story,

but what I see
is a q*eer young man

wearing a single dangly earring.

Well, I guess it's funny that sometimes
people fit neatly into stereotypes.

I have some ideas I'd like to share.

No, not us. We don't talk during this
part. We don't have ideas.

OK, Mister Professor Robert Roberts,

so we will need two skeletons...

Oh no, three skeletons, just in case.

It's going to be cheaper for you. And...

What else?

OK, that's it.

How are we gonna convey that
the skeletons are a couple?

We'll arrange them fighting.

What do you mean fighting?

Like fighting about an inheritance,

or fighting about a vacation...

But that's not something
unique to couples.

Tati. In English or Spanish?
I'm sorry.

A little of neither.

I don't know why you think
you need to be quiet

in those meetings.

You have so many great ideas.

I have an idea for a computer that does
your homework and gives you candy!

And the best thing is
you can sleep in it!

How does it work?

- Really well.
- See? You're so creative.

That sounds like something
out of a movie.

Have you ever thought about writing?

I don't know what I would write about.

Just look around you.

The world is full of stories.

The world is full of stories.

The world is full of stories.

Krissy! JJ!
You can handle my returns later.

I just got a call from
the Secretary of State.

There's something
even more pressing.

Well, what could it be?

I mean, we only have 30 days
to return all this stuff.

We need to influence
local elections

and make sure their
president gets re-elected.

It's what our Founding Fathers
would've wanted.

So, we need to
start spreading lies

about his opponent in
a clear and concise way.

- Okay, so memes?
- Yes!

Impact font and everything.
Deploy them through Yipi now!

I really need you guys
to f*cking nail this,

so that I can finally impress
the Secretary of State

and become
the US Ambassador to Miami.

I can't wait.

Working at a pool desk...

getting into a really toxic
relationship with Pitbull...

taking weird meetings
with conservative Latins.

All the shrimp I can eat.

Wait, do these memes
have to be in Spanish?

How are we supposed to do that?

Just write them in English.

If it's in English, it's for everybody.

Sorry. Traffic was crazy.

The book is on the table.

Oh my god! Yes, demon!

Demon's learning!

Did you bring your laptop?

I have 30 days to return.

The world is full of stories.

My love, would you marry me?

The world is full of stories.

Look at this.

"Our president loves children.
Teresa Lobos wants them dead.

Vote for De La Guardia."

But, Ursula, I don't understand
what this has to do with me.

Nothing. I'm just telling you. We've never
going to get De La Guardia out of office

if that's the only person
running against him.

But, Ursula, politics don't affect me.

You're right.

I should talk to her.

Hey, can you guys keep it down please?
I'm writing my novel.

Your novel?

Yes, I'm writing Don Quixote.

I'm transcribing the audiobooks
so that people can finally read

this incredible story that I'm writing.

Tati, I'm afraid this is another
pointless Tati task.

Everyone knows Don Quixote
is already a book.

I'm very proud of you, Tati.

Thank you.

I didn't want the divorce
to hold me back.

I had to find a way to take care
of myself and well,

look at me now.

And you know what?
I'm not going to use a pen name.

I'm not going to put
a man's name on the cover

of Don Quixote just to get published.

The world needs to know that
women can write, too,

especially Don Quixote.

I have a question about
the logistics of the house.

If I'm here and Tati is here,
but I'm staying in Tati's room...

where is Tati going to sleep?

Tati is going to sleep in her room,
and you're gonna sleep on the couch.

Or, you can use the money
that we've been making

to rent a room somewhere instead of

spending it all on

music boxes and leather pants.

But I need music boxes so that I know
where the music is trapped.

If the money we're making is
not enough for you to maintain

your lifestyle, then maybe you're
going to have to get a second job.

What kind of job?

You're a competent young man.

You could go back to school
and study something.

You could do anything.
You could be a nurse,

a construction worker,

a police officer,

an operations manager.

I'm sure you can find a job
that suits your skills.

Once again, thank you very much
for visiting our staircase showroom.

My love, is this pine or oak?

I don't know. We don't need a staircase.
We need a second story.

A demonstration will now begin
at staircase number five.

We're out of paper towels.

When I'm president...
and make a note of this...

we're never going to run out
of paper towels.

Well, what do you want?

I already paid for
the sea monster in full,

and now I have Spider-Man
and the dog.

So sorry, but you're not going
to get another penny out of me.

It's not about that.

Look...

you're the only candidate
running against De La Guardia.

What is your strategy?
Because you're going to need

a really good one to defeat that man.

Oh yes, that's a really good idea.

A strategy... like a politician.

So...

what's your strategy?

Well, first of all, I'm going to
ask people to vote for me.

Everyone who votes for me will get
either one of those little personal pizzas

or a sushi roll.

Whatever they choose.

I'm also going to tell my family
to vote for me in our Yipi! group chat.

And I have a secret w*apon.

I have a cousin who studied
business and communications,

and he has a Twitter.

I'm going to tell him to vote for me...

And his wife also, who of course
doesn't know he's cheating on her.

But you didn't hear that from me.

You're going to need a lot more help
than just votes from your family.

Well if you know so much about politics,
then why don't you help me?

You can come with me, and we'll
talk to my cousin and his wife.

I just hope she doesn't think
you're the other woman.

I think you need much more help
than I can give you.

Good luck with everything.

A strategy...

Hey, do you have hands?

Let me see.

Ursula, I don't know that I can handle
doing this job for 15 minutes

and then go model staircases
for like 45 minutes.

I know you can do it.
And you know what? I'm proud of you.

Proud like for real?
Or proud like how you're proud of Tati?

Proud like I'm proud of Andrés.

Hey, guys!

Pretty spooky day today, huh?

Hey, Uncle,
what happened to your clothes?

Why are you wearing mine?

I just wanted to show
my commitment to being

an Espooky forever.

Cool.

But, you know, you don't have to
dress like me to be an Espooky.

Look at Tati, for example.

Aloha.

OK.

I'll go change.

-I look stupid, right?
-No, no, it's... fine.

Hey, come here! I found something!

A single dangly earring
on each of them.

Look, rainbow bracelets.

And they d*ed holding hands.

It looks like they were gay

and wearing dangly earrings.

I suppose that proves my thesis.

It's so weird that
these skeletons have ears.

Karina, talk to me!

How can I help you?

Please don't leave.

Renaldo!

Come back! It worked!

I can't believe they bought it!

Go back, Uncle, go back!

Did you plant these artifacts here?

Well, the cat's out of the bag.

Yeah, highly unethical.

Extremely disrespectful
to members

of the LGBTQ community.

Even if two, maybe three,

of the people helping me
were q*eer themselves?

Yes, I understand.

A breach of trust, of course.

Antithetical to everything
this university stands for, yes.

And skeletons don't have ears.

Yes, as an archaeologist,
I should know that.

I'm sorry I ruined the gig.
I just got carried away.

I was so proud of you guys.

It's okay, Uncle. Things happen.

I don't belong in Los Espookys.

I'm gonna return my badge...
with honor.

I'm not good at anything.

Couldn't even help.

You know what, Uncle?

Maybe there is something
you can help me with.

Can you give me some advice?

- Sure.
- Yeah?

I don't know why, but

I've been having these visions of
Nuestra Belleza Latina.

Mi Belleza Latina?

I think I know what's going on.

This is something maybe you would've
talked about with your dad.

What's happening is
you're at that age.

Your body's going through changes.

I remember when I was
going through my changes,

same thing happened to me,
but with Betty Boop.

You know Betty Boop?

And I was obsessed. I just
thought about her all the time.

I just imagined her poking a beehive

and all these bees would
come out as a swarm and just

turn into a hand
and slap her on the ass.

- Okay.
- But you know how I got over it?

I accepted that she wasn't real,

just that she was
a cartoon from the '30s.

And once I accepted that,

she lost all her power over me.

She was gone,
and I could live my life,

and that's what you need to do.

Renaldo, you have to accept that

Mi Belleza Latina is dead.

Go to the cemetery, find her grave,

dig up the coffin, look at the corpse.

Then you will accept that she's dead.
I'm sure of it.

I don't know, Uncle.
That doesn't sound right.

You have to look at the corpse.

Tati, you've been in here for hours.
Aren't you going to eat?

Yes, I'm almost done with my novel.

Tati, I think it's great
that you're keeping busy, but

you're just transcribing
a book that already exists.

You're not writing a new book.

Also, this is like ten pages long.

Don Quixote is like 1,000 pages.

I started transcribing it
until I realized how long it was.

So, using the context I gathered
from the first few pages,

I was able to imagine how
the rest of the story goes.

And well, it turns out the story
wraps up pretty quickly.

Oh, so this is like a modern
reinterpretation of Don Quixote?

No, Ursula, I wrote Don Quixote.

You are independent.

You don't need anyone
to hand you anything.

You will make your own way.

Come with me.

You won't need to work
another day in your life.

Excellent. I quit.

And who are you?

I'm a handsome, rich widower.

Magnificent.

Who put this here?

Listen, little lady, they don't
pay me to answer your questions.

What do you mean you're
not going to vote for me?

You know what?
I'm calling your wife right now,

and I'm going to tell her everything!

Hi, Rocío. How are you?

I have some really
devastating news for you.

I'm going to help you win.

I have to call you back.

Look, the president is corrupt.

He's a liar and a misogynist.

He's putting up those awful
and demeaning silhouettes

that are insulting
and degrading to women.

I like them.

If you want my help, you have to promise
that you'll get rid of them.

Yeah? And how are you going to
help me? Are you going to cheat?

No. I'm going to help you win.

The first thing we need to do
is discredit the lies

they're spreading about you on Yipi!

But how?
Even if some of them are true?

You need to set the record straight

and let voters know
what you stand for.

Do you want an egg?

No.

Don't believe everything you
see on Yipi!

I don't want kids dead.

I have nieces and nephews
that I love very much.

It would make me very sad if they d*ed.

And I'm not going to take
away your cars.

I drive one, too.

And I'm not going to make you eat
"gay tofu."

It's so gross, and frankly,

- I think gay people...
- That's enough!

Good morning.

I want to see my breakfast.

This is a dream come true.

A beautiful house,

a delicious breakfast made
by faceless workers,

but above all...

a pool.

- You have roommates?
- No.

Well, then call the police!

Those are my kids, Alberto and Manuela.
I told you about them.

I thought they were ghosts.

is that a problem?

No...

Not for long.