04x05 - Poached Guests

[bunniefuu]

"Nothing to do." "Nothing to do"?
"Nothing to do,"?!

Mm. I mean...

Thank you. There's tonnes to do!

There's lovely little walks and
there's that nice pub down the road.

That closed down.

OK, well, there's still
that not-very-nice pub

that's a long way away.

OK, not lots to do, exactly,

but, like, whatever happened to
the great outdoors?

Climb a tree. Hug a tree. Visit...

...a... tree.

Sorry.

I'm going on.
No, no, no, it's the, erm...

EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE

There's too much milk,
if anything!

It should be the colour
of a buff envelope.

No, no, no, we've been through this.
It should be brick red, one lump.

A slice of lemon and nothing more!

Well, two lumps,
if you're on manoeuvres.

Or a drop of something stronger,
if you get the right tea lady.

God, I miss the Commons. No, look,
come along, it should be brick red.

We've heard. You're just wrong.

How dare you tell a soldier how to
make tea!

I don't have to listen to this.
I'm from Yorkshire, mate!

I'm practically made of tea!

FANNY: Well, my family imported
tea, and the correct way...

SHE GROANS
Yorkshire...

God!
SILENCE!

Do you lot ever think you maybe
spend a little bit too much time

in each other's company?

Well, we don't have much choice.

Yes, you know what they say -
you can't choose your family.

Or the people you're trapped with
for eternity in the afterlife.

Do they say that?

No, I said it.

ROBIN: I've never heard anyone...
ARGUMENT RESTARTS

Absolutely ridiculous,
telling me how to make my tea.

I mean, I can't drink it,
but that's not the point.

Ah!
DOG BARKS

Ah!

Mm.

Good!

HE HUMS

Mornin'. Good morning.

HE HUMS, THEN SUDDENLY STOPS

EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE

Attention, everyone!

There's another ghost.
ALL GASP

I told you!

Just up there, on the border.

Ah, the old Asprey estate. Mm.

I said ages ago
is dead guy over hedge!

Yes, well, you say a lot of things,
Robin, and your imagination

does have a tendency
to run away with you.

The Queen's out there!

Two horses are doing it.

They are filming a Carry On!

Is dead guy over the hedge!

I know what I saw.
CAPTAIN: Come along.

Where's the fire?

Ah! There's another ghost, Alison.
Come and say hello!

Yeah, leave that.
Repairs are for squares.

I'm all right, thanks.

No offence, but the last thing
I need is another ghost.

Annabel!

UNDER HER BREATH: Or another neighbour.

Ah! Isn't she marvellous?

The quad bike, not you.

Thank you.
I was hoping to catch you.

A little bird - Mary from the shop -
tells me you've started a B&B.

That's right, yeah, up at the
Gatehouse. Right.

It's just that there may be
voices on the local council

who will worry about... tone.

What voices? Well, exactly!

Saying things like,
"Brings down the area,"

or, "Turning into Blackpool."

We need the money,
so you can tell these "voices"

that it's all very above board.

It's very classy, in fact.
Five-star.

Well, it will be.
We hope so, at some point.

Well, that's what they all say.

But before you know it,
there's a funfair, donkey rides

and a real problem with prostitution.

When did you last leave the area?

All I'm saying is,

is it really worth the risk for
the sake of a couple of quid?

quid a night. Well, exactly.

Pin money! ?

Well, there's something
to think about.

ENGINE STARTS
Toodle-pip!

"Nothing to do."
Can you believe that?

OVER PHONE: Well, you are
a bit out in the sticks.

Maybe you need to offer some
activities, like bungee jumping.

Off what? The roof?
All right, then, archery.

Ooh, yeah! That's a great...

No. Actually, not archery.

Well, wine tasting, then.

Or baking. Or cookery!

Not cookery. What is that?!

Fridge bap.
You still eat fridge baps?

Mm-hm. Mate, you're not any more!

You need to look after yourself.

Ohhh!

Open a health farm!

A spa! A hotel!

That's already the plan.

Well, I don't know!
People need something to do.

Doesn't need to be much.
Just a bit of fun. Hmm!

When you die, can I have your decks?

ALL EXCLAIM
CAPTAIN: Exciting.

Hello! Here we are, of course!

No, simmer down, simmer down.
Simmer. Simmer.

Simmer.

Now, this is, erm...

Sorry, I don't actually
know your name.

Maddocks, sir.

ALL: Maddocks! Maddocks... Maddocks?

Ah, everyone, this is Maddocks.

Maddocks, this is... everyone! Hello!

How do, how do? Robin.

Hey! And, erm, Maddocks
d*ed by, erm...

Sorry, I didn't actually
ask you anything, did I?

Erm, I trod on a badger trap, sir.

Ah! Oh! Oh. Oh, no.

That's nasty. Yes, that's...
Oh, you can see the bone!

Oh, aye, you can, yeah.

Here! Do I detect an accent?

Sheffield lad, sir. Give over!

I'm from Huddersfield!

Neighbouring... fields!

Well, er, we still are, sir.
ALL LAUGH

He's funny! He's funny!

In't you funny? Oh, if it
pleases you, sir.

Aye, I come down this way
looking for work. Gamekeeper.

JULIAN: Feared as much.
Working-class.

Unless they're in a voting booth,
there's very little point.

So you worked for the Aspreys?

Uh-huh. I knew Lady Asprey.

We played bridge together.

Well, I played. She cheated. Mm.

Erm...

Anyway, I should probably...
ALL: Oh, no, no!

OVERLAPPING PROTESTS

Well, it's just, er...

...I don't like to linger here.

This is where it happened. The trap.

Nine hours to bleed out.

Two weeks to find the corpse.

I had to watch meself being eaten.

Slowly.

By badgers.

Well, all the more reason
to stay, then!

New company, new memories.

Perhaps, in time,

this spot will remind you of us
instead of, erm...

Being eaten by badgers?

Yes.

Well, you must stay.
You simply must!

Oh, well, if I must, sir.

Let's dispense with the formalities.

Please, call me...

MIKE: Fun. Fun.

Ooh, yeah.

Ah, there you are. Are you... busy?
No, no. No.

They've, erm, popped out
to meet someone.

Right, so, we've got all of
this land and we've got guests

who complain that
there's "nothing to do".

So I was thinking...

£ , ?

Mike, you've got to stop
obsessing over that one review.

Well, it's not just that.

We've got to compete with
other guest houses in the area.

I mean, look at this one, right?
It's miles away.

It's got pool-pool,
table-table, tennis...

Pool, pool table, table tennis.

No-one using commas?

Yeah, that would be really nice
if we had the money,

but right now, all we can afford
is two Dan Browns

and the board game of your choice.

Board games.

Oh! We could put the chess table...
That gets more use than you'd think.

HE SIGHS

Hmm!

It's a kind of a game.

That was quick.
Yeah, not really my type.

Besides, couldn't get
a word in edgeways.

You know what they're like. Yeah!

Yeah.

EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE

Oh, Alison! Alison!

Alison, Alison!
Let me introduce you.

Now, Alison is alive,
but she can see dead people!

Oh, congratulations, ma'am.

Thank you...? I hope
they're not bothering you.

ALL EXCLAIM

You cheeky ha'porth!

I think we should probably go, guys.

Your friend's looking
a little bit tired.

Kind of you to notice, ma'am.

Erm, that's largely
down to blood loss, so...

Mm.

Oh!

The purple bit's a tendon.

And the grey bit's the tibia!
SHE GIGGLES

Anyway, I think probably
we'll just get going.

Come on. Come on, everyone.
You'll be back tomorrow, yes?

Er, y-yes, ma'am. Yes, of course.

Marvellous. See you tomorrow.
Have a lovely evening.

Come on. Getting late. Ta-ra, love.

All the best. Carry on, Maddocks.
Aye. Yes, sir.

Actually, it is getting late.

I wonder where our guests are.

Hello?

Hi, yeah, hi.
It's Alison from the Gatehouse.

I was just wondering what time
you're planning to arrive, with...

Oh, right, OK.
I'll come and check you in.

Oh! Oh, right. How did you get in?

My husband? But he's...

What did he look like?

DOGS BARK

Annabel!

What the hell is this? It's a sign.

Yes. My sign... that I found
at the top of your drive

with this arrow nailed to it.

Well, don't look at me!
It must have been local youths.

I did warn you -
the area's going to pot.

So you didn't steal my guests?

Absolutely not!

Although, come to think of it,
there was a couple

who popped by earlier looking
for a room for the night.

I put them up in the
old hunting lodge,

out of the goodness of my heart.

But they insisted on giving me £ .

You said that was pin money.

Well, it is,
but everybody needs pins.

You are the most unscrupulous...

Sh...

WHISPERS: I have guests!

ALISON GASPS

He did what?!

He poached our guests.

Delicious. And he doesn't even
need the money!

Like, it's just a game to him,

whereas we have to count
every single penny!

Yeah. I'm not going to let him
get away with this.

Yeah, I'm going to
fight fire with fire.

Would that work? In what way?

Julian, Julian, Julian, Julian.

You were in politics. You must know
a few dirty tricks.

I'm afraid I don't recall any
involvement in anything underhand

whilst I was in office. What?

Is what I tell the public inquiry!

LAUGHTER

No, I'd be happy to help.

I know every trick in the book.

I wrote the book!

What is this?

Oh! It like chess, but it huge!

Ah, Alison, we need this.
We need that.

Mike, tell me you haven't
just bought giant chess.

I haven't bought giant chess.

ROBIN GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION
I haven't!

Come on, then.

Step into my office.

What have you got?

What do you know about judo?

ALISON: That's your plan?
I fight Barclay?

No, not actual judo. It's a tactic.

Use your opponent's att*ck
against them.

He's taken your sign.

Well, I took it back.
No, no, no, no!

If that's his move, let's use it.

Let him keep the sign.

In fact, how about we even...

...spruce it up a little?

Can we do that?! 'Course you can.
It's your sign.

Ohhh! Ah!

CLOCK CHIMES

SHE SCREAMS

ANIMATED CHATTER

THOMAS: I can see some movement!

Ohhh... Oh! Another early bird.

Yes, and no sign of the worm,
so you can join the queue.

Excuse me, sir, I was here first.
Balderdash, sir!

No, balderdash to you, sir!

EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE
Please... Please!

Now, I've had this before
with our clubhouse.

We had to share it with St John's,

the Venture Scouts
and the Sea Beavers!

And there's only one thing
that works.

A rota.

So, Lady Asprey wasn't averse
to a restorative tonic,

if you get my meaning, Maddocks.

Is that game?
Does that count as game?

Well, anyway, it's a seagull,
and I sh*t it.

Of course, on my side of
t'peaks, a ginnel's a snicket.

And here's him calling it
a twitten? Give over!

So, prawn can move two square
first go, but only vertical.

Thomas? You're up.

Yes!

It's not without its problems.

She's alive, I'm dead.

But we make it work.

And what's the brown stuff?

Er, it's bone marrow.

Ooh!

I think he's got gangrene.

Well, she called it a folly, but it
was little more than a shed.

Just room enough for a bridge table
and a barrel of gin.

It was just up here,
beyond the orangery.

WHISPERING: Hi.

You're popular today.

Oh, er, most attentive, ma'am.

Yeah. I know they can be a lot,
but when you get to know them...

Have you booked a slot? Erm...

No! That's what I thought.
Honestly! No manners at all.

Which reminds me of Lord Asprey
and that infernal pipe.

Honestly! Lord Ashtray,
we used to call him.

DRILLING IN DISTANCE
Ah. Very good, ma'am.

PNEUMATIC DRILLS ROAR

Hey! Excuse me,
what do you think you're doing?

Annabel!

Stop!
DRILLS STOP

Managed to call in a few favours
down at the council.

Thought I'd finally get
those potholes sorted.

What potholes? Well, cracks, really.

But if the frost gets in there,
better to nip it in the bud.

They're completely
blocking our driveway.

What?

Oh, yes, I suppose they are, a bit.

Oh, well, they'll only be
a few days.

A week at the outside. A week?!

Oh, yes, you probably have guests!

Yes! Oh, well, there's always room
down at my place.

You can't miss it.
There's a very handy sign.

Barclay? I think you're a big...

PNEUMATIC DRILL STARTS UP

DRILL DROWNS OUT SPEECH

He did what?!

Yeah. I just had to bribe two guys
not to fix a road. Oh!

That's... brilliant!

I mean... awful. You know.

But in a way I really admire.

So what are we going to do?

Well, when he goes low...

We go high. What?

No? Oh. Oh, God, no.

We go even lower. Erm...

Ooh, hey, open up that CIA thing,
you know, the, erm...

...road atlas from outer space?

Erm... Oh, oh.

That's it. Now, show me
Barclay's place.

Erm...

Yeah. Now... B-b-b-b-b...

HE CLEARS THROAT AND GRUNTS

What are you doing? Looking for
anything that falls foul of...

STRAINS: ..planning... regulations.

That type stays very rich
by being very, very tight,

which means somewhere,
he's cut some corners.

How do you know this? Because that's
what I would have done.

Aha!

Hello! Oh, Barclay,
you naughty, naughty boy!

HE CHUCKLES

Ah! Yeah, I think that's for me.

Just need you to sign for it.
Oh, sure.

There you go, mate. Cheers.

Ooh.

HE LAUGHS DELIGHTEDLY
Oh, yeah!

Right!

Money well spent!
ALISON: Mike?

Why is that...?

What? No!

Erm...

Mike?

PHONE BUZZES

SHE GASPS

BARCLAY OVER MOBILE: Annabel?
Hello there!

I've just had a visit
from Building Control.

Building Control? Yes.

Turned up unannounced, poking
in every nook and cranny.

Said they'd had reports of
irregularity. Oh!

Oh, dear!

Maybe it was your guests.

I mean, if you will just
let in people off the street...

My guests had nothing to do with
this, as well you know!

SQUEAKING AND STRAINING

CRASH!

Well, I'm not sure
what you're implying, Barclay.

Oh, don't give me that.
We both know that you...

MAN: It's probably... What? No, it's
within permitted development!

If it's two metres...
I've got to go.

And... judo! Yes!

Or whatever you say
when you win at judo.

Come on.

Oh!

Well, it was fun while it lasted.

That'll do it.

Whoa!

HE GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION

EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE

Mike turn into giant mushroom!

What I would say
is that if you can...

Kitty, is your turn.

SHE SQUEALS
I feel so alive!

I haven't felt this alive since...

Well, since I was alive.
PHONE BUZZES

Ooh, there's more.
There's more, there's more.

Hello, Planning Department?

Yeah! Good one. You're funny.

Ha, yes, very good. Lots of fun.

Erm, I just wanted to apologise
for my earlier outburst.

Oh! Erm...

OK.

Yes, got myself in a bit of a stew
when those chaps turned up.

Storm in a teacup, luckily.

Just have to move a boiler vent,
and they'll be happy as Larry.

Didn't even lose a day's business.

Right, well...

...that's good news. Yes!

Bit of a relief,
because building regs

can be an absolute minefield.

So, yes...

...could have been worse.

Much, much worse.

He's got nothing!

What special bond?!

Well, we talk about chess.

Oh, yeah, as if Mads
is interested in...

Oh! Mads, is it? Mads?

Maybe when you get to know him
a little better,

nicknames will naturally occur.

I think you'll find
that I met him first.

I met him before any of you.

EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE

Nah. No good.

HE GRUNTS

Perfect!

No, no. No, listen. Dib-dab,
dib-dab, dib-dab,

dib-dab, dib-dab, dab-dib.

Let's settle this once and for all.

Follow me. We'll ask him.

Do it again.

SQUELCHING AND SLAPPING

SHE LAUGHS
It sounds like it's clapping!

EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE

KITTY SIGHS

There's a very important
question that I need to ask you.

EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE

Worse than the badgers!

Oh, please be open, please be open.

HE EXHALES

Come on.

Oh! Yeah!

I've got to get out of this.

Erm...

Oh!

RINGING TONE
OK.

OVER PHONE: Hello! Obi!

Obi, it's me. I need help.

Can you hear me? Hello? Nooo!
Mike, are you OK?

No! Mate?

FRANTIC GRUNTING

Oh, my arm! Your arm?!

GRUNTING

Oh, no! Are you having a...?

I told you, it's the fridge baps!

OK, mate, just stay calm.

Just stay calm. Help is on the w...

LINE DISCONNECTS
Oh, no!

Obi! Obi, help!

Missed a bit.

You...

What the...?

EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE

That's enough!
GHOSTS FALL SILENT

That's enough!

THOMAS: Then answer the question,
damn your eyes! Yeah!

Come on, who's your best friend...

...mate?

Well, if you really
want to know...

ALL: Yes!

...none of you.

Hmm?

Mike? When you get this, come to the
Gatehouse. Something's up.

Excuse me, what are you...?
Annabel!

Here we go.

Let's see what you got.
There you are!

I was just walking the dogs

when I spotted something
rather concerning

in the rubble pile
from your recent renovations.

Hmph!

Thought I'd better phone it in.

You know, concerned local resident.

Yep, it's asbestos all right. What?!

Ohhh, he's good!

You'll have to shut this place
down for the foreseeable,

get it surveyed, cleared,
certified safe.

No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

That wasn't there before.

It... He planted it!

Annabel!

Alison!

That is a very serious accusation,
and I can assure you...

Judo! Use his move against him.

If he brought that asbestos here,
where did he get it from? Hmm?

Ask him that. Go, go, go!

...let alone a dear friend
and neighbour!

Well... OK, I tell you what,

why don't you search
the buildings on his estate

and see if any of them are
missing a couple of roof tiles?

Well, now...
HE STAMMERS

I-I-I-I think these good people
are busy enough without, erm...

Because, Barclay,
that would be fly-tipping

of a dangerous substance,

which I think you'll find
is against the law!

I think you will find that.
SIREN APPROACHES

Wow! Erm, actually, that-that does
look a bit familiar.

No idea how it got here, but I'll
gladly pay for removal.

Let's just forget all this. Yes.

You know, er, I'm actually getting
out of the accommodation game,

so no need to, erm...

JULIAN: Bye!

JULIAN CHUCKLES

Mike Cooper? Yeah!

I'm OK.

What is going on?

Oh, I don't know any more.

I just find you all profoundly,
profoundly annoying.

Why do you need
another friend? Hmm?

I mean, look at you, stuck in that
house with each other all this time.

And yet here you all are,
out here, together.

How are you not sick
of the sight of each other?

Well, we are.

ALL AGREE
Give over!

If I were any of you,

I'd have been off living on me
own in the woods years ago.

I mean, I dunno what you call it,
this, but, face it...

...you'd all be lost without it.

He might have a point, y'know. Yeah.

Well, we may not be each
other's perfect cup of tea...

ALL CHUCKLE

...but when the chips
are down, we really have to...

Oh! He... He go! Whoo!

Huh? Where?

Oh...

He's gone to be
with the rest of his foot.

And so it goes. Can't be helped.
What a shame.

Now, er, what was I saying?

Some old guff about
a perfect cup of tea.

EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE

PAT: Oh, aye,
Little Miss Grumpy-Pants?

Told you.

Aye. They are a lot.

Well... I'll see you Tuesday.

Yeah, yeah, Tuesday. Tuesday, aye.

ROBIN WHISTLES HAPPILY

And, dooka-dooka!

Barclay had to learn the hard way

that you cannot outplay
a grandmaster.

Checkmate.

Oh, damn and blast!

MIKE AND ALISON LAUGH

Ready? Go, go, go.

Oh, my God, we should have
bought these ages ago.

Yeah. Wait, so, to get out of it,
do you just, like...?

Erm...
CLASPS FALLS

Oh, no. No, yeah, that happens.

You've just got to be

gentle with the cla...
CLASPS FALLS

Oh, no.

BOTH: Oh, no.