04x06 - Not Again

[bunniefuu]

FIRE ROARS

CRASH
Ah!

Well, that's the end of that, then.

Old place had a good innings,
I suppose. Hmm.

The question is, what now?

NOTIFICATION CHIME

Mike!

Mike, we did it.
We did it. We're five stars.

What? You're joking. Look!

Oh, you're joking. What?

Well, that's still four stars.
No, no, look, look.

There's one yellow pixel inside
the fifth star.

"Which means with an average review
score of . ,

"you have officially attained
mega-host status."

We're mega-hosts. We actually
did it! We're -star hoteliers.

Yeah. Well, we're actually . star
bed-and-breakfastiers.

Same thing. Yeah. Same thing.

I was thinking to celebrate,
we could go out and get...

Wasted!

OK. I was going to say new chairs
for in here.

OK, well, no offence to you,
my wife,

but my idea is brilliant
and your idea is terrible.

I know, I know.
I know, but look at these.

They don't exactly scream
country house.

There's more chairs in the shed.
Yes, OK.

And of course nothing says
five stars like shed chairs.

But I've been browsing and these
are at an auction in Halliton.

Oh, no, they are gorgeous.

I love all that delicate
scroll work on the...

You wanna go to the auction?

Yeah, so bad.
I'm going to give it all this.

All right. The estimate's each,

so no more than
for all four, OK?

Is this our marriage now?

WIND SWIRLS

WEATHER VANE SQUEAKS

Ooh, new game.

Ooh.

FIRE CRACKLES

HE SNIFFS

Not again!

Ah! Were I alive... No.

I was going to say I'd help you
make the bed.

PHONE VIBRATES
Ooh.

More bookings.

That extra star makes all
the difference.

Yes!

I don't know what you mean.

Oh, come on. There's a woman here
who said, under requests,

"Looking forward to our stay.

"Please arrange kennels
for four Afghan hounds."

I am outraged on your behalf.

Crumbs, they're all at it.
"What speed is the Wi-Fi?"

"Hypoallergenic pillows, please."

"We would like vegan breakfast"?!

Oh, no actually,
OK, that is actually fair enough.

Where is "Vega"?
What do they eat?

No meat, no fish,
no dairy, no eggs.

Those poor souls.

You're back.
Did you get the chairs?

No, sorry. They went up to .

So I did one of those.
Which they also thought was a bid,

But then someone went to
and I stayed really still.

Oh, that's a shame. Well, I'll try
the ones in the shed.

Yeah, yeah. But, but...

I didn't come home empty handed. Oh.

Bear with me.

HE SNIFFS

AHHHH!

AHHH! AHHH! AHHHHHHH!

No, so, I was saying "bear with me"

because there's literally...

A bear with me.

I bought a bear.

You really did.

Fine, fine.

Well, let's just call Birthmark Club
a partial success.

Is bear in Breakfast Room!

And I shall follow up on that rumour
on Lady B later.

Left buttock.

There's a bear in
the Breakfast Room.

What?!

Oh, interesting. A bear?
Very exciting... A real life bear?

...for people with legs.

It was a bargain. Guess how much.

quid?

Oh, could you...
Could you guess a bit more?

Mike. It's terrifying.
It's a talking point.

Oh, yeah. "Have you seen the giant
bear, darling?"

"Yeah, it put me off my breakfast."

Rubbish. It just needs,
like, sprucing up, you know?

I'm telling you,
this thing is sick. What?

Sick? I think it might be dead.
Should someone tell him?

Er, no, he doesn't literally
mean sick, Kitty.

It's a sort of American
street slang.

You know, you say
something negative,

when you mean
something positive.

So one might say "Oh, man,
this modular hi-fi system is bad!"

When really you mean it's
terribly good.

So the opposite.
Er, sort of, yeah.

Like when the Captain say
that you're morally bankrupt?

Er... ye-eees.

Ha. Wow. Haa.

Do you like it?

Oh, I think it's... bad.

Yeah, OK. Good, me too.
Very, very bad.

Well, try telling Mike that.
Oh, I would if I could.

Morally bankrupt, eh?
I'm sorry?

A little dicky bird tells me
you think I'm morally bankrupt.

That's right.

What?
We all do. What's that?

Julian. Morally bankrupt.
Oh, Good Lord, yes.

You can be a little, uh...

Oh, right.
Thought you might try and deny it.

Oh, I assumed you knew. You know,
because of everything you do.

And say. Well, quite.

Well. I'm no bleeding heart liberal.

But I do care about things.

People.
You know, I like to, erm...

...help.

LAUGHTER

He almost done me there.

Oh, very good. Carry On.

Oh, dear. So was it in a cage?
No, it was on the stage. What?

Hey. I'm calling him Bear Grills.

But Grills spelt like how you cook
a breakfast.

Mike, the bear has to go.

It's ugly and it's scary and it's
going to freak out the guests.

Well, I disagree, so...

We've just clawed our way
to five stars,

I'm not risking that
for some filthy animal.

Me or the bear? Mike!

Why is it that when it comes to
the running our business,

my opinion seems to mean nothing?
That's not true.

It's just you have a history of
buying mad stuff. Like what?

Like the "Butt Ho" hoodie,
like the inflatable suits,

like the giant bear.

Well, at least I do stuff. Yeah?

I don't just sit around all day
talking to my dead mates.

Oh, sit around? Mike,
I do the books,

I do the check-ins,
the adverts, the running repairs.

And now I have to sort out all of
the chairs,

and devise a five-star
vegan breakfast.

Fine. I'll do the breakfast.
But the bear stays.

Er, are you joking?
It stays.

Not in here it doesn't. Ugh!

Fine.

"Ooh, look at me, I'm Alison.
I do everything."

Well we'll see about that.

OK.

Ah. Veg-ann? Vegan.
What?

No meat, no fish, no dairy.
Oh, right.

Good luck to them, I say.

Can't be easy going cold turkey on
luncheon meat and Billy Bear ham.

And eggs. You what?

Alison said they don't eat eggs.

HE SNORTS

What's wrong with 'em?

I mean, what they having
with their chips?

What are they dipping their
soldiers in?

What they putting on top
of their gammon?

They wouldn't have gammon.
Don't change the subject!

What's wrong with eggs?
Nothing's wrong with eggs.

Then why won't you let me have 'em?

I am not saying that,
I'm just telling you.

A man needs eggs to sustain himself!

Well, fascinating.

Vegan. Vegans.

Veg-an? Veg, Ve-gans.

AHH!

Hey! Hey. Robin.

What on earth are you doing
in there?

Has it gone? Bear?

Well, of course it's not gone. Ohh.
It can't go anywhere.

It's just a big lump of sawdust
and fur.

Honestly, what's the matter
with you?

It just remind me of...

...very bad day.

THUNDER RUMBLES

HE SNIFFS

Oh. Uh.

Uhh?

Uh!

Uh-yuh?

Nuh-muh. Huh?

Lah, "Wahhh!"

Yuh!

DEEP GROWL

Wuh?

GROWLING

Um-deh...

Huh?

Yaaaa!

Oh! I know.

Oh, I have never seen such
a tasteless, mangy looking...

Oh, it's a Gerrard.
A what?

Gerrard & Sons. The undisputed
masters of taxidermy.

They're the chaps who did Dante
for me. Oh.

Oh, yes, yes. Now look at
the detail, Alison.

Do you see how they've gathered the
hide into the pinch of the anus?

Oh, OK. OK.

I'm going to just go and think about
that sentence, forever. Tremendous.

It just, uh, sawdust and fur.

That's the spirit.
That's the spirit.

OK... OK.

Nothing but sawdust and fu...

Huh?

♪ Pom-bom-bom, bom... ♪

Oh, dear. No, no, no,
that won't do.

That won't do at all.

Are you OK, Fanny?

Anything I can HELP you with?

Ah, well, it's the eye, you see.

The left one.
His gaze is all askew.

So it is. Well, let's see what we
can do with the old magic finger.

Very well.

Where bear?

Oh...

Oh, yes, pin's just
a little jammed in here.

HE STRAINS

HE ROARS WITH EFFORT

ROARING CONTINUES

AHHHHH!

Oh, yes, yes, that's much better.

Thank you, Julian.

Not at all, happy to HELLLP.

But what sort of craft?
Upcycling.

Sounds exhausting. Yeah, well,
Mike blew all of our chair money,

so we just have to make do
and mend. Ah, yes, there they are.

Ah, OK.

Well, not exactly five-star.

What do you think?
Hmmm. They do look pretty...

..."good"? Yeah?

Well, the condition's
just "wonderful".

And the legs are
all "sturdy".

Hmmm. Maybe they're not so bad.

Yes. Not BAD at all.

OK, well, let's give it a go.

You're sh**ting the messenger.
And I hate being sh*t.

Well, then answer the question -
why can't I have my egg?

I don't know.

I suppose it's more about
the chicken than the egg.

You what?

Well, if only lady chickens
lay eggs,

then what do you suppose happens
to all the boy chickens?

Well, I suppose they all just go off

into a field together.

Or a nice barn until they get old.

WHISPERS: Do you think that's
what happens?

No.

Hang on. What the heck is aquafaba?

Oh, I'm going to have to go to
the shops.

All those little chicks.

Makes you think, doesn't it?
Really does.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Ehh. And crisis averted.

No, no, don't mention it.
I'm happy to help...

Well, what's the point in being virtuous

if there's no-one to witness it?

Well, you're no good.

HE SNUFFLES

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Oh, come on!

Erm... Fire? Someone? Anyone?

Well, you're no good.
Keys, keys, keys. Ah.

Who put...?

So, that's how we're playing,
is it? Fine.

Oh.

All right. Come on, mate.

Yeah. Rub it in.

Ooh. That would work. Yeah?

Honestly, Alison.

I thought these were GOOD
when we found them,

but that looks so, SO BAD.

Well, thank you for your honesty.

HE STRAINS

There. Pride of place.

Whoa.

There.

Come on. Pull self together.

You just tired.

And dead.

Dead tired.

There nothing to be scared of.

HE SCREAMS

Hey.

Hmm. Right, shop.

Like I'm not already doing
everything round here.

Oh.

No. No. No. No. No. Mike?

SHE SIGHS

Come on.

SHE STRAINS

LOUD BANGS AND YELPS

There's a bear.
There's a big bear. Huge bear.

What's he say?
Said he saw a bear... bear...

SOUND REVERBERATES

THUNDER ROARS

THEY PANT

EERIE ANIMAL NOISES

HE GRUNTS

HE GRUNTS

HEAVY BREATHING OFF-SCREEN

THEY CHUCKLE

HE YELPS

ANIMAL ROARS

ANIMAL GROWLS

ANIMAL ROARS

HE YELPS

What did it look like, then? Eh?

This bear you saw. Up there.

It look like bear.

Well, yeah, but what, brown bear,
grizzly bear, Kodiak bear?

I don't know. If you see bear in
house, probably right bear.

No offence, but what are you scared
of? You're already dead.

So is bear.

He's got a point. Oh, look, if I
could just be the voice of reason

for a moment. Here she goes.

As there hasn't been any dead bear
att*cks in this house

in the last years,
I'm going to go out on a limb

and say one is probably not about
to come crashing down the stairs.

LOUD BANG

THEY SCREAM

ELECTRICS HUM

THEY SCREAM

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No. No.
It's Alison. It's Alison.

It's not even a bear. Not a bear.
It's not a bear.

It's not a bear - it's Alison.

What's she bringing
that down here for?

I know, I know, it's awful.

But can...

It's just until Mike
forgets about it.

Fine. Put it with the rest.

Thanks, guys.

SHE STRAINS

Thanks.

There you are.
Are we still doing our craft?

Yeah, yeah,
I just got a bit waylaid.

I'll tell you what, it's pretty big,
isn't it? It's massive.

I think it's SICK.

Let's hope it's not contagious.

Still too soon?

All right. Back to craft club.

Spending all this time together.

It's awful and I HATE it.
SHE CHUCKLES

What? Ah, now, I might be able to
explain what's going on there.

See, I may have mentioned,
in passing,

that American youths now use
the word "bad"

to describe something "good."

Don't know if you've seen the LP
by the popular recording artist

Michael Jackson?

Erm... Anyway, seems Kitty has
rather taken the idea

and run with it.

Oh, right. Yeah, OK.

Oh, that explains a lot.
Yeah. Yeah. Thanks, Julian.

Oh, no, no, HAPPY TO HELP.

SPREAD THE WORD! Mm?

Ha.

We're going to find her... Outside.
...and I tell you what...

Ah, Alison. Glad we caught you.
Do you have any eggs in the house?

I'm busy, Pat, and I don't like you
watching me eat.

No, no, we want you to get rid of them.

And any meat. Why?

Because it's m*rder, Alison.

Yeah. So we're giving it up,
aren't we? Mm-hm.

You already gave it up.

I mean, you've given up eating
everything. Oh!

What you really want is for me
to give it up.

No, this is not about you, Alison.

This is about all those little animals.

Innocent creatures.

Chickpea water. Vegan breakfast.

Right on, brother!

What the...?

Right, this isn't a game.
Where's my bear?

Firstly, "where's my bear?" sounds
like a game. KITTY: Alison, come on!

And secondly, I've put it somewhere
more appropriate.

And don't bother trying to find it,

cos you're never going to guess
where it is...

In the cellar with my other stuff. No.

No. Mike, wait. Just leave it.
Just leave it.

It's tacky and ugly and it'll upset
my guests. Our guests.

I bust a gut for this place just as
much as you do,

I ask for one little thing
and you're acting like...

It's a huge thing!

It's a huge, ugly, snarling thing

and I don't want it anywhere
in this house.

Fine. Fine? Fine.

Fine!

Where is it? Where's Gerrard?

Oh, he lives in the cellar now.

What?! No! No, no, no.

He should be out on display.
He's magnificent.

Yes, he's totally ghastly.

How dare you?! He's a masterpiece.

I agree. He makes me want to do
a sick in my mouth.

Kitty, you appear to be talking at

slightly cross purposes
with... yourself.

No, no. Julian explained that
young people today say

the opposite of what they mean.

Kitty, listening
to Julian is seldom a wise idea.

You have a wonderful grasp
of the King's English

and it would avoid a great deal
of confusion if you would revert

to using it in
the traditional manner.

Yes. Perhaps that's a... good idea.

Yes, much better.

Come on, then, Kitty.

Coming!

There we go.

What do you think?

I think it's garish and vulgar.

Thank you, Kitty.

MOCKINGLY: "I don't want it anywhere
in this house!"

I'll get it out of the house,
all right.

It's all in your head. It's all in
your head. It's in your head.

Argh! Argh!

Oh! Oh!

Why he get so close?

Hang on.

How dead bear att*ck live man?

Oh, that's right, buddy.

We're putting the B in B&B.

To the gatehouse.

You so silly sometimes.

HE SCREAMS

THUNDER CRASHES, RAIN PATTERS

Oh...

LOW RUMBLING

HE BREATHES SHAKILY

THUNDER CRASHES

HE BABBLES

THUNDER RUMBLES
Oh, no, no, no, don't get it wet.

Don't get it wet.

You have got to be kidding me.

What the hell is he...?

Mike!

Mike!

Get away from the tree!

HE ROARS

THUNDER CRASHES

Come on, then!

THEY GASP

Ah...

Whoa.

Mike!

Alison...

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry... I...

Let's get back to the house.
Wait, the bear.

Good.

I thought lightning never strikes...

Oh!

WINDOWS SHATTER

ALL: Oh...

That's the end of that, then.

Old place had a good innings,
I suppose.

The question is, what now?

Yeah. What now?

I guess we put in a claim,
get some quotes.

Rebuild, reopen.
Or we could, you know...

...not.

Not what?

We worked so hard
to make this five stars,

and for what? Even more work,
even more stress,

and us at each other's throats.

Yeah, that was about the bear.

The bear was about the gatehouse.

Yeah.

This was supposed to be
the easy bit.

Imagine the hotel. Yeah.

What will we do for money?

Honestly, I have no idea.

SIRENS WAIL

Hmm...

SHE EXHALES

Well, it's not exactly a bear, but...

No, no, it's wonderful.

Yeah, I prefer the duck.

Do you see how the down tucks into
the posterior crevice?

Now that is the hallmark of
a true Gerrard. Wonderful.

Yeah, can't believe you found
another Gerrard.

I didn't. It's just the duck from
the library,

I just took the name plate
from the bear and stuck it on.

Very resourceful. Yeah.

Fraudulent, but resourceful.

Well, it was Julian's idea.

Well, if it puts a smile on their
faces, I'm happy to help.

There's a heart in there somewhere.

Reminds me of the time I sent
an actual pig's heart,

in a box,
as a thr*at to a journalist.

And there he is.

Right. Boiled eggs for you. Yes!

The m*rder*r.
Beautiful m*rder*r.

And for me, Mike's vegan scramble.

For which no chickens d*ed, and it's
absolutely delic...

Urgh.

Oh, I think my aquafaba was
a bit heavy on the aqua.

Well, five stars for effort.

Mike... Mike.

Yeah? Yeah.

Mm!

Ooh...

I suppose, when you think about it,

most people in this house haven't
eaten an egg in decades.

Centuries. Yeah.

And you could argue that, well,
we've done our bit

as a household, and that perhaps

the occasional egg could be
forgiven?

To whatever comes next.

To whatever's next.

Huh-huh-huh...
I'm not dipping it again. Ooh!