05x01 - Fools

[bunniefuu]

SNORING

ALISON SIGHS

ALISON EXHALES

Morning, guys.

Julian?

Robin?

Hmm.

Fanny?

They can't all just...

Mike! Oh, my...

DOOR SHUTS

It's the ghosts. What now?

I can't see them any more.

I...

I c-can't see them any more.

What do you mean?

My gift, it's...

It's gone.
I can't see ghosts any more.

ALL: April Fools!

GHOSTS CHUCKLE

CHUCKLING DIES AWAY

SOBS

Is she laughing?

Are you laughing?

CONTINUES SOBBING

I don't think she's laughing.

Ali? Are you OK?

Yeah, fine.

You?

Yeah. Yeah, you just seemed
a bit upset earlier.

No, no, no, no. All good.

Yeah? Yeah. OK.

Don't worry.
I'm going to have the last laugh.

Right. Cool. So, um, I've been
going over our finances,

and the spreadsheet's
not looking good.

Oh, God, no. OK, maybe if you,
like, right-align the columns

and then you put the headings
in bold, that will at least...

Obviously, I'm talking about
the numbers. OK. Hmm.

Without the income
from the gatehouse,

even with functions,
it's going to be tight. Mm-hm.

Mmm. The insurance from the fire
should get us back

on an even keel, but beyond that,

we're going to struggle
to stay in the green.

Black? What's the opposite of red?
Blue?

Stay in the blue? Stay in the b...

Are you even listening? Hmm?

This is important. Yeah. No, no, no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know, I know. I just...

Could we deal with this
this afternoon?

Just cos there's something I need to
focus on until, like, midday.

Mm. Is it playing
an April Fools' prank

on a bunch of dead people? Maybe?

It isn't not that.

Right, OK, well, the second
you get even with them,

I'm going to need your undivided...

Do we own a saw?

PIERCING SCREAM

BIRD CAWS

SCREAMS

GRUNTS

Oh, not you.

GRUNTS

Oh...

LADY BUTTON: It was yellow!
Oh, no.

CAPTAIN: The greenfinch IS yellow,

but not as yellow
as a yellow finch.

Oh, it's ridiculous.
Who do I write to?

Well...

GHOSTS GUFFAW AND LAUGH

That the best you can do?

Nice try! Better luck next month!

PAT: Oh, for the last time,
there is no May Fools' Day!

GHOSTS CHATTER HAPPILY

HUMPHREY: Ah! Impaled
by a fence post, was it?

Hmm? Oh, well, yeah.
I mean, that was the idea,

but probably a bit far-fetched.

Stranger things have happened.

I suppose so.

Hmm. Yeah, well...

It was worth a try.

So that's it, is it? Giving up?

Well, unless you have an idea?

Idea? No, no. No.

OK. Ideas?

You betcha.

I'm listening.

I just think maybe you put
all your eggs in one basket

when it might be easier,

dare I say more satisfying,

to pick them off one by one.

I mean, between us,
we know them all pretty well.

I'm sure we could work out
which buttons to press.

What's in it for you?

To that lot, I'm just a punch line.

A punchbag. A football.

Then there was that time
they stuck me up on that high shelf.

When was that? Tuesday. Ah...

Mmm. I just think that maybe we're
both due a little payback,

and as I understand it,
until midday on this particular day,

anything goes.

Hmm. Hmm.

Right. Thomas.

Need a hand with the wording?
No. No, no.

I've got this one.

Start with the low-hanging fruit.

Oh! Talking of which - Kitty.

Hmm. Erm...

OK, OK. Here's an idea.

Now, it might be a bit complicated,
so just bear with me,

but what if we told her
there was a balloon...?

There's a balloon? Where?

No...
Everyone, there's a balloon!

Kitty, April Fo...

No. OK. No, she's gone.

KITTY MUMBLES

Well, I guess that's one
off the list,

and we've three hours to go.

This is going to be easy!

CHUCKLES

OK.

"Meet me in the wood store

"at am."

LAUGHS

Time to go and bait the trap.

Send him my love!

CHUCKLES

HUMS CHEERFULLY

GASPS

DOORBELL RINGS

Alison!

Mr Cooper? That's right.

Joy Kielty, Irish Friendly.

I'm Mike Cooper.

English. Also friendly.

No, I'm from Irish Friendly,
your insurance company.

You put a claim in for a fire
at your guesthouse.

Right. Sorry. We didn't know
you were coming... Alison!

No. Well, I'm a loss adjuster.

OK. And does our loss
need...adjusting?

It means...

Well, we don't use the term
investigator.

Our claim is being investigated?

We don't use that term.

But it is? Yes.

Why?

There are just a few details
that we need to verify

before we can pay out on the policy.

Oh, so it's, like,
just a routine thing?

Perhaps you could show me
the site of the incident?

Uh... Yeah, sure.

It's just, uh, this way, um...?

Joy.

Sure.

Look, it's perfectly simple.

The brown one is a blackbird.

The red and black one
is a goldfinch.

And the bluetit has a yellow chest.

Right. I'm just saying -

you know where you are
with a sparrow.

That's a dunnock. You what?!

OK. Now, try to remain calm,
everyone,

but there is a balloon,
possibly a number of balloons,

somewhere in this house.

And they might be
the float-to-the-ceiling kind,

so it's vital we find them
before they lose their magic.

Are you sure, Kitty?
It's nobody's birthday.

All I know is,
Alison said there's a balloon.

Perhaps a balloon animal.
And I know...

Come on, Kitty.
She's winding you up, love.

What?

Is May Fool.

April! April.

Yeah. She's pulling on your legs.

Most likely reprisal
for our antics this morning.

So she said there was a balloon,

but there actually wasn't a balloon?

LAUGHS SOFTLY

Oh, that is so clever.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.

What's up with Attenborough?

Well, can't you see?
She's picking us off like a sn*per.

She may have got to Kitty first,

but she'll come for us all.

Oh, give over.
Just a harmless bit of fun.

Is it, Patrick? Is it?!

Or have we awoken a demon
hellbent on revenge?

We need to be on our guard,

keep our wits about us,
for the enemy is smart.

She is motivated.

We should expect tactics
of breathtaking subtlety

and sophistication.

ALISON: Seriously? They found
a Stuka dive-bomber in the woods?

What? What?!

Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness!

PANTS

Clever girl.

And the fire was caused
by a fork of lightning?

Yeah.

Bizarre, eh?

But I suppose
you must see that a lot.

No.

And no-one was inside at the time?

No. Luckily. Hmm.

Most convenient.

So how did you know
it was lightning?

Oh, I... I saw it.

From inside the house?

No, no. I was...nearby.

Where?

Under a tree.

In a thunderstorm?

Well, I...

I thought it was a shower at first.

I was trying to stay dry. Hmm.

Then why not head inside?

Well, I couldn't leave the bear.

FAINT CLINKING

BIRDS COO

CLEARS THROAT

EXHALES

You got my note?

Indeed.

I must confess, I was somewhat
taken aback by your candour.

I had begun to wonder
if you would ever see sense.

I think it was this morning -

fearing I might never see you again,

I suddenly realised
the depth of my feelings.

I can no longer deny the...

The frisson. The frisson. Exactly.

I knew you would succumb
to my charms

in the fullness of time.

And Michael will understand,
I'm sure of it.

A dear soul, certainly,

but not possessing
of the depths you require...

...desire.

Yeah.

Shall we?

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. I'm so sorry. No...

No, no, no. It's fine.

A love such as ours
shall face many challenges,

but where the heart is driven...

...the flesh shall find a way.

We can't even share a meal.

Or a hug.

Or a kiss.

Indeed.

Such interactions
are frustratingly limited.

Though I suppose there's...
There's always...

Oh! Erm... Um... Should we?

Things are moving so fast, I...

GASPS, CLEARS THROAT

Oh, the angels in heaven!

April Fools!

LAUGHS

I totally got you.

LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

Oh, that is priceless!

I'm so amused right now,

because you would never... Never.

Never. Never. Never.

CONTINUES LAUGHING

Ha-ha-haaaa...

She's a monster!

You too, eh? What did she do?

She...

We...

It doesn't matter what she did.

Know only that she is
Beelzebub incarnate!

Where are the others?

Lying low, if they have any sense.

They might be all right.

There's only two hours left
until midday.

Surely she can't get us all.

Ohh, I would put nothing past
that she-devil!

ANGRILY: That callous, heartless...

SOFTLY: ..doe-eyed, soft-skinned...

Damn it!

So, who do we think
she'll try to fool next?

Well, if she's thinking tactically,

she'd be best advised
to pick off the softest target.

Someone easily duped,

guileless, gullible,
open-hearted to a fault.

HUMS CHEERFULLY

Oh, come on! They can't
seriously ban Scotch eggs.

I wouldn't be certain
about the veracity

of that news story, Alison.

Sounds a little implausible to me.

If I were you, I'd cross-check
it with multiple news sources

across the political spectrum.

I'd hate for you to have the
wool pulled over your eyes. OK?

Thanks. Yeah. Thanks.

She's trying, God love her,
but talk about amateur hour!

CHUCKLES

Yeah?

Ooh...

JOY: So, the argument was
about the bear?

Yeah. He wasn't allowed in
the house. Why not?

He never wiped his feet.

CHUCKLES

It was a disagreement over taste.

My wife wasn't keen on him,

so I was taking him to live up here.

And can I see this bear?

Erm, no.

He was also destroyed, sadly.

In the fire?

Erm, no. A tree fell on him.

A tree?

Yeah. Struck by lightning.

I thought you said
the lightning struck the roof.

Different lightning.

So you're saying your property
was struck by lightning twice?

Yeah.

No, three times.
The other one hit...

Nobody.

Nothing. The ground.

Sounds insane
when you say it out loud.

You should see it written down.

What do you mean? What I say.

He didn't fall for it.

And you definitely said Scotch egg?

Of course I said Scotch egg!

SIGHS

God...

I could m*rder a Scotch egg.

Well, the way I see it,
you've got two options.

Mm-hm. You could just call it a day,
let bygones be bygones

and forget all about
this silly revenge business, or...

..you double down.

No more Mrs Nice Alison.

Pull off the kid gloves

and show them exactly
who they're messing with.

Or, you know, neither.

Yeah. Whatever. Yeah.

But it just doesn't make any sense.

What, because Pat saw through
her ruse and you didn't?

Well, yes, frankly.

I mean, if you look up
gullible in the dictionary,

there's a picture of Pat's face.

Is there?

No, Katherine. No.

Unless she didn't prank him at all.

Perhaps he's pranking us
by pretending she pranked him

because we pranked her
for pranking... No, hang on.

Face it.

We have no idea who
she'll get next. Or how. Or who.

Hmm. Maybe you're right.

Though I think we can all guess who
will be the last of us to fall.

Deceitful, cynical, underhand,

and, lest we forget...

OTHERS: ...morally bankrupt.

Exactly.

If seven public inquiries

couldn't trip the man up,
what on earth can?

Hello!

CHUCKLES

Ooh.

GRUNTS

JAUNTY MUSIC

Oh, damn and blast!

JULIAN GROANS

Well, well, well.

Look who's here.

There is no weakness
she will not exploit!

That was below the belt -
and not in a fun way.

Wait a minute. Where's Pat?

Still at large.

Ah! Talk about insult to injury!

PAT HUMS CHEERFULLY

Pat?

CHOPPING

Alison.

I'm sorry, you know, for...
For everything earlier.

The Scotch egg thing.

I don't know what you mean, Alison.

Sure. OK. I just...

I was a bit angry, you know,
about this morning,

but I don't want
to fall out over it. I just...

It's water under the bridge now.

It's basically...

Oh, my God. No! Oh, God!
Oh, my finger! Pat! Pat!

Argh! Ouch!

Alison, I took whole packs
of ten-year-old boys away camping

every year for a decade.

Do you really think there's
a practical joke known to man

that hasn't been pulled on me?

Itching powder in the underpants.

Potato in the exhaust pipe.

Hand in a bowl of water
so you wet the bed.

Been there, done it,
and got the T-shirt made.

So you'd best save your energy,
Alison,

because I'm bulletproof, me.

And, you?

You're there, mate.

SNARLS

CHOMPS

SWALLOWS

WHISPERING: Jesus.

So you were here when
lightning struck the property?

Yeah. We kissed here and then...
You kissed?

Yep.

The bear?

No. No, my...my wife.
I was no longer with the bear.

Not romantically. We split up.

I'd left him. It.

I left it under the tree.

But you said your wife
was back in the main house.

Yeah, she was. She came out
when the storm got bad.

So, as the lightning got worse,

your wife also came out into it?

Yes.

She came to warn me because she saw
the first bolt hit the cave...

Caved in...bit of lawn.

There. Actually not there.

More over there. More over there.

Can I speak to your wife?

Oh! New chapter.

Hmm. Hmm.

Hmm. Hmm?

Hmm...

Hmm-mm...

The girth of his what?!

Oh, the depravity! Alis...

I'm not sure what to be
more disappointed by -

the obscene nature
of your attempted deception

or the sloppiness of its execution.

I'm no fool, Alison,
April or otherwise.

OK. Sorry. Yeah.

I just thought it was a little
bit of fun, that's all.

LADY BUTTON GASPS

What on earth is that?

It's a tattoo.

Another one?

Two tattoos?

That scribble on your ankle
was common enough.

But this! This!

It's been there, like, a month.
I thought you'd seen it.

If I'd have seen it, young lady,
you'd have known about it.

My own kith and kin
branded like some lowly navvy,

painted like a tawdry Jezebel!

Times have changed.
You're still a Button.

No, I'm a Cooper, and I fancied
some fresh ink, so I got them.

Them? Plural?

Yeah. The big one's on this arm.

What?!

LADY BUTTON GASPS

CHUCKLES

Your face!

Yes!

Yes, I suppose you think
that's funny, do you?

I do. I absolutely do.

But you don't need to worry,
because it's felt tip,

so it rubs right off.

OK.

Just...

Ah, OK. You might have
to live with that

for about a week or so.

Oh! Ugh!

Hook, line and sinker!

CHUCKLES

Told you! OK.

Five down, two to go.

I've had this idea for Pat,
but I don't know.

It might be going a bit far.
Hey, hey, hey!

He's the one who upped the ante.

He's brought it on himself.

Yeah, you're right. OK.

Well, then, that just leaves Robin,

and I've got no ideas
and not much time, so...

Don't you worry about Robin.

I'll take care of him.

Ooh. Yeah, sure.

What are you thinking?

Well...

GRUNTS

THUD!

Oh, my God. Ow!

MUFFLED: Perfect.

IN EERIE VOICE: Hello, Robin.

Oh...

EERIE VOICE: Ehhh!

Oh, no.

He's back.

Ehhh...

Oh. Not bear.

Just little badger.

BLOWS KISSES

Who are you calling little?

GASPS

Hang on.

Badgers not talk.

They do when they're angry enough.

Angry? That's right.

Rumour has it
that someone around here

ate an awful lot of my ancestors.

No, no. We...

Well, not often.

You too small.

See, we prefer, er,
a mammoth or a deer,

or, on very special occasion,
a wild dog.

I knew it!

SCREAMS

ALISON LAUGHS

April Fool!

Damn you, Cooper! Yes! I got him.

I got him. I got him.
Yeah, yeah. Well done.

Very much still inside a badger.

Oh, yeah.

And I thought these things
smelled bad on the outside.

I've only got minutes
left to get Pat.

Well, don't just stand there. Go on!

Keep me posted, yeah?

SNORES

MIKE: Well, she was running

from the direction of
the house, so I assumed that...

But you didn't see her IN the house?

Well, no, I was under the tree.

Yes, but I'm just trying
to ascertain

where exactly your wife was
when the fire broke out.

Oh. OK.

I see what you're getting at.

Well, I can assure you

that my wife isn't just going
around setting fire...

Mrs Cooper?

Sh.

Alison, this is Joy Guilty Kielty -

from the insurance company.

About the fire.

Hi. I'm Alison. So nice to meet you.

Oh, God. Sorry.
I think I stood up too quick.

Um... This is a practical joke.

An April Fools thing for one of
the...living people who live here.

Oh, but your policy document
says that you are

the only two occupants.

We are. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I meant a friend.

We have a house guest staying,
so I'm...

Pretending the house is on fire?

Well... Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I thought,
you know, a warm welcome.

Could you just excuse me
for one second?

VOMITS

Sorry. Sick in a bush.

I think it must be the... Nerves?

..fumes.

So, any other questions?

No. I think I've seen
everything I need to.

Sorry.

Obviously, I know
how that looks and, well,

how all of it looks,
but I promise you,

everything that I have told you
is % the truth,

and I'm begging you...

Well, actually not beg.

No, I would totally beg
if that helps,

cos we really need this and I...

Mr Cooper, I'm going to recommend
that we approve your claim

and pay out on the policy in full.

What?

Seriously?

I've met a lot of fraudsters
in my time, Mr Cooper,

and I can assure you no genuine
criminal would ever come up

with a story as patently
ridiculous as that one.

Stuff that absurd
only ever happens in real life.

ON TV: This is a great mixture

of flavours and textures
to combine to make

an extravagant plate of beef.

The amount of beef...

Um, Mike...

Hey. Where have you been?

Oh, well... Did you see the email?

All confirmed.
They're paying out on the policy.

So that'll bring us back
to, uh, zero.

So, yay! No money.

Yeah. Yeah.

Can I have a word with you
in private?

In pri...? Is there a ghost in here?

GHOSTS HUM

TV PROGRAMME CONTINUES

You OK?

Yeah.

I think so.

Uh...

Now, I felt a bit emotional
and then hungry and then not.

And then a bit faint
and then a bit sick.

And... Well, I did a test and, um...

..I'm pregnant.

As if!

PAT CHUCKLES
I mean, the prop's a nice touch,

but your stooge here
is as wooden as anything, love.

Pat... And nobody just...

It's after midday.

Oh, my God. You're pregnant!

What? What?! Really?

We're having a baby?

We're having a baby!

GHOSTS LAUGH

Wonderful news.

That's wonderful.

GHOSTS CHAT AND EXCLAIM

Did we get him?