05x03 - Pineapple Day

[bunniefuu]

Well, I'll cut to the chase.

Working with the natural features,
wooded areas and so on,

there's enough room for
holes.

Awesome! Yeah! That's loads.

Yeah. A full-size golf course is
holes.

At most you'd get holes
if they were all par s.

THEY LAUGH

Is three not a good par?

You need par s, s and s.

Right, what about bogies?

Bogies aren't...
The point is there isn't enough

room for a full-size golf course so
the company won't be interested.

Unless you can find some more land?

PHONE BUZZES

Annabel! What can I do for you?

THEME MUSIC PLAYS

GENERAL CHATTER

Ha! About time!
We've missed the main headlines.

Anything could have happened.
Can we not watch Friends?

Or Is It Cake?

Brownies are in the oven.
Yes!

Warm brownies, fresh coffee.
Butter up, Barclay. Ugh.

Careful there are ghosts.

We're just going to soften him up!
D'you think it's going to work?

Yeah, I mean, it has to.
We need him.

Well, I was thinking I was going to
start on the nursery before

he comes, just clear out the...
Shush, shush! What, what, what?

Can we just leave it for now?

It's just the cot and the changing
table are coming soon.

They've actually already arrived.
Well, there you go.

I'd love you to, it's just need to
clear it with you know who.

Don't know who,
still can't see them.

It's Lady Button, I need to get
her on side or
I will never hear the end of this.

What's the big deal?
She's moved rooms before.

No, but she loves this one.

OK. David Cream?
What's he doing on the news?

NEWSREADER: The late Labour peer,

former Minister for Education
at a ceremony earlier today...

Ha! What did he ever do?

..because of his tireless
work for orphaned children,

ensuring that some of the most
vulnerable

children across the globe had access
to health care and education.

Pah.

Erm, what's this for, this blue
plaque?

Well, it's a sort of posthumous
tribute that adorns

the location of significance in the
life of the celebrated individual.

So for example,
the birthplace of Guy Fawkes,

or where Shakespeare wrote Macbeth,
they can be for anyone,

as long as they're important...

..and dead.

..and if we could get that room,
it would be so much easier.

Hang on, you said the nursery
stuff's been delivered. Yeah.

Where'd you put it? Safe.

What? The safe.

What? The walk-in safe.

We have a walk-in safe? How did
I not know that? Where is it?

What? It's at the bottom
of the stairs, if you turn right.

Well, I never turn right at
the bottom of the stairs.

You never turn right at the bottom
of the stairs? Never need to.

All the rooms I use are to the left.

Well, that's why you didn't know
we have a walk-in safe.

Sick.

I'm sure I told you about this
when we moved in.

Nah! I would have remembered this.

We should keep
our valuables in here.

BOTH: We don't have any valuables.
Yeah!

What's up there?

Hm. Don't know.

What's in it?

Oh, wow!

Just some old books.
Let me see.

Ooh!

Ohh! Oh, my goodness.

EVERYONE TALKING

OK, shush, everyone! Shush it!
OK, come on. Gather round.

Right, it's Fanny's turn to
choose a song this week.

So, Fanny, what are we singing
today?

On an Old Rugged Cross.

GROANING

Not again!

Kitty had the same song twice.

But your song is so boring!

Yeah, I have to admit,
it's no Reach for the Stars.

Thank you!
I'm just saying I do fit the bill!

This was the site
of my dramatic demise!

A blossoming talent
cut down all too soon.

Come off it!
No-one even knew who you were!

I was actually famous,
I once went on the Big Breakfast.

Met Shaggy. Eh!

If Guy Fawkes has one, I should have
one.

I was involved in a plot to
overthrow the Queen.

Right! Shush, everyone,
now let's begin...

# On a hill far away...

# Stood an old rugged cross

# The emblem of... #

Kitty, look what I found!

Oh, for goodness' sake.

Is it cake?

Erm, no, Kitty,
not everything is cake.

Some things are secretly cake.
No, look, here.

It's the household accounts
from your family's time.

And here, on this day,
there's loads of stuff,

was there a party or something? Yes.

Ooh, how fun!

LAUGHTER

It was my wake.

ALL: Oh! Sorry.

No, that's fine, go back to the th.

Erm...

Wait, but isn't that...?

Pineapple Day!

I thought that was the day you...
..d*ed?

Well, yes,
but that's not how I remember it.

For me, it will always be the first
and only time I ate a pineapple.

Oh. There doesn't seem to be
a pineapple on the ledger.

That's because it was a gift.

STRINGS PLAY

Father held a lunch
for Lord Bummenbach,

who had recently
returned from the Americas.

GENERAL CONVERSATION

A little something from our travels!

THEY GASP

Oh, my!

May I touch it? Please.

Ow! It's prickly!

Well of course it is, stupid!

FORCED LAUGHTER

EVERYONE LAUGHS

Oh, my!

It was the most delicious thing
I had ever tasted!

It's such a shame I d*ed.

I would have loved to taste
it again.

So what happened to you?

Oh, I fell asleep.

Fell asleep?

Yes, Father had it
written on my gravestone.

"Katherine Higham fell asleep
th March ..."

I think that's something people
just put on gravestones.

Oh, it can happen, Alison.

Some people do just die.

My mate Ken fell down dead
during a penalty sh**t out.

He saved it. Hm.

Can I watch Is It Cake now?

Yeah, you can. Yeah, I'll come and
put it on.

Imagine if they do a pineapple!

LAUGHTER

Erm, are we buying it?

ALL: No. Of course not!

And we all know her sister
had the motive.

The inheritance, good point.
Hmm!

Well, good luck convincing Kitty.

You can't just decide
Eleanor's guilty

because she wasn't nice to Kitty,
you haven't got any evidence.

Alison! Coming!

Uh! What are you keeping in there?

Nothing really.

I'm thinking
I could turn it into a bar.

Call it Safe.

Safe? Safe, yeah. Get you over...

That'd be it actually. Oh, you know
what? You could record in there!

Yeah! Is it sound proof?

Wait.

All right. Make some noise.

# Got a little safe!

# Got a little safe at ours...

SQUEAKING

DOOR BANGS

# Got a little safe! #

Hm! Yeah, it is.
# Safe! I got a little safe in ours

# Found a little safe at ours...
DOOR BANGS AND SHUTS

Mike, it is.
# Got a little safe...

Mike!
# Safe, safe... #

MIKE!

DOOR BANGS

BELL RINGS

How is this a whole programme?
People just guessing...

Oh, my God, that is
definitely the cake.

Which one?

Two! I mean, it's like, it's too
shiny.

Wait. Is it four?

BELL RINGS

Mike, are you getting that?

Where were you?

Singing in the safe.
What?

Barclay! Come on in.

I think your bell might be
malfunctioning. Hm.

I baked some brownies.

No, thanks, I'm on a diet.

So, you're saying
if I sell my top fields,

that would facilitate
the sale of your land?

Yeah, exactly. Which of course would
be very handy with the baby coming.

Yeah, yeah! And it's the far
side of both our estates,

so we'd hardly be disturbed.

Oh, I don't mind all that, might
even join the club myself.

No, I think
it all sounds rather appealing.

No reason not to do it.

Amazing!

Just one thing I would say...

Hmm?

You don't use that land,
whereas I do.

So I need to price it accordingly.

What do you use it for?

Farming.

Mm.

I've never seen any...
It's fallow. Ah.

Crop rotation, you see.

In order to keep
the nutrients in the soil,

they have to lie fallow for...

How long have you lived here?

Five years.
Yes, five years, exactly.

So next year, we're meant to be
sowing the new crop.

Mangelwurzel. So I'm open to the
possibility.

All I'm saying is maybe
a fair split is...

Mmmm...

.. / ?

If you'll excuse us for a moment?

Hm. Of course.

He's a total... Look, he's trying it
on, but he hasn't said no.

And he hasn't said no because he
knows it's too good to pass up.

Yeah! We just need to go back in
there and negotiate.

OK. All right. Well good luck.
What?

Yeah, you've gotta do this.
Not me!

Yeah! I can't. Yeah! You know me,

I shake hands as soon as they're
offered.

No, you're going to have to, Mike.

The guy's a dinosaur. He's not going
to negotiate with a woman.

He doesn't want to be
"beaten by a girl".

All right. All right. Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah, I've got this.

I'm going to deal with you know who.

Lady Button.

Hm. All right.

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Erm...

SHE SIGHS LOUDLY

Oh, man, which one? It's so...

Must you hum and fuss, so?

Make yourself useful at least
and turn this page.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, sorry.

Yeah, just... You know, thinking
about rooms for this nursery.

Thank you.

Yeah, I'm just trying to work out
which room's best.

You know there's
so many to choose from.

I know just the room, follow me.

OK.

But our bedroom is
the other end of the house.

We wouldn't be able to
hear the baby cry. Exactly.

It's at the other end of the house,

you wouldn't be able to hear
the baby cry. Erm.

I think we're more
sort of wanting to be close by?

Oh, right...

Well...

Erm...

Wow!

Let's consider the facts here.

Yes, the fact is a blue plaque
would be wasted on a two-bit...

No, no, no, no, no! Not that!
We're talking about Kitty.

Oh! Yes, right! Hmm! Yeah!

Hmm!

She hasn't got a mark on her and
that rules out a number of options.

Yes, some of us
are rather an open book, death-wise.

Tell me about it. No comment.

So we're looking for something that

can k*ll you without leaving
a trace.

Poison.

That bitch!

Hang on a minute.

I was in the kitchen that day, I saw
everyone who came and went.

BUSTLE AND NOISE

Got any plates?

Cooks, porters, maids, even their
children.

And Eleanor never came in.

Ah!

In fact, if I recall...

..the food was all prepared
for serving at the table.

To be shared by everyone.

So you'd have no chance of poisoning
an individual,

without getting everyone.

Except...

..the posset puddings.
They were individual.

The only person to handle
those between the kitchen

and table was young Polly.

But she had no motive,
she, she liked Kitty.

Cos Kitty was kind to her
when Eleanor lost her temper

and chided her.

Bitch!

But is it possible she prescribed
a poisoned posset for Eleanor

that somehow found its way onto
Kitty's place?

Ah, we can't rule it out.

It's not much to go on though,
is it?

Who else was there that day?

Well, Mary
and Annie aren't here to ask.

We need to speak to Robin!

Ahhh!

Well, yeah, I mean, if we were to...

Oh, Alison, quick question.
Can it wait?

Blue plaques. How do you apply?

Because if Cream gets one,
I don't see why I couldn't...

If anyone in this house deserves
a blue plaque, it's me.

I was the subject of a documentary,
so...

No-one's even heard of those two,
tell them Alison.

I don't know.

There's no debate... I'm an MP!
A cabinet minister!

Royal coup, anyone?

All right, OK. Look, I'll apply.

And I'll send them the history of
the house and then it's up to them.

Yeah, fine, it's all we are asking
for. OK. Yeah, OK.
Works for me, elegant solution.

Come along, you three!

She really is the most
wonderful person!

You said yourself,
you've got no problem in principle.

Well, that's out of generosity
to you, it's not like I'd choose

to have an eyesore on my doorstep.

You don't have to worry about that,

I mean if anything it'll be
prettier than before. Hmm!

They gave us pictures
of what it would look, actually.

Hmm! Can't find my phone...

Oh! I know where it is, one sec.

I know what a golf course
looks like.

The point is,
it has to be worth my while.

The bureaucracy,
the disruption, the red tape.

I'm trying to help you get this
over the line, Mike.

Ooh, I say, a walk-in safe.

That is a curious old thing.

Ironic to have all this space
for valuables when you're

so strapped you need to sell
away your land.

Yeah. Look, I know what
you're doing Barclay.

You're lowballing us
because you know we're desperate.

That's not dry wall, that's solid.

Look!

DOOR SQUEAKS

You know this deal suits you,

but you can't resist working
our situation to your own advantage.

Not exactly wise to insult
the person you're trying to do

business with.

I think I'll be off, now,
if it's all the same to you.

HE SIGHS

RATTLING

That wasn't supposed to come off,
was it?

No.

Help!

HE BANGS DOOR

Help!

Help! Alison! Let us out! Alison!
He...

SOUND CUTS OFF

Right! Hm...

These are all close to our room.

But I'm thinking not one
of the bigger rooms,

just so it's nice and cosy.

What about this one? Well,
I'm thinking... Yes!

Could be just right. Hm.

Ah! Silly me,
this is the Captain's room isn't it?

Hm. Right. And do,

do you think he wouldn't move?

Well, it is his room, Alison.
Hm.

There are plenty of others
in the house.

But...I don't know, if you were him

and this was the perfect room for
the baby, do you think you...

..you could be persuaded to move?

Have you thought about actually
asking him? Erm, I...

..no. I think...

I'm actually thinking this room gets
the sun in the morning,

and I think it might wake the baby
up a bit early so...

Yep, let's keep looking.

Ah, Robin. We've been looking
everywhere for you.

Huh? Oh, yeah?

Would you mind answering a few
questions for us?

OK. Take a seat.

Where were you on the th
March ?

I want my lawyer.

You're not a suspect, man, you've
been dead for thousands of years.

I mean it's not as
if you've k*lled anyone.

Yeah.

It's Kitty's death we're
investigating.

We believe there was foul play.

Perhaps you can tell us
what you recall of the day?

Day Kitty d*ed? What day was that?

Lord Bummenbach came for lunch.

There was a big do. Yeah. It sounded
like a pretty memorable day.

Mmm, I think
I was outside most that day.

Hm.

Did you see anything unusual?

Anything that could be a clue,
even if

it didn't seem
suspicious at the time.

Hmm, where you come from,
little guy?

Only one who went outside that
day was Eleanor.

She went to pick
things from her herb garden.

Herb garden? Herb Garden! Yeah,
she grow all kind of things.

Sage, arrow root, mint,
deadly nightshade...

ALL: Deadly nightshade?!

..rosemary, thyme...

In fact...

..I remember she took one of her
herbal teas to Kitty that day.

I think it's time
we spoke to Katherine.

ALL: Hm...

Annabel! I told you, it's sound
proof. Call her on the phone!

It's out there.
She'll find us eventually.

Are you sure? Well, she'll notice
that we're gone and...

And what? Look in the safe?

Why would she think we're in here?

I don't know. It's so hot.

Are you hot?

It is warm.

I can't breathe.

What if there's no air, Michael?
We need to get out!

Calm down. Let's just stay calm.

We just need to, to pass the time
and keep our spirits up, all right?

Yes. All right. Yeah.

Let's play I spy.

MUSIC FROM TV

It can't be... Oh, my gosh, it's
cake!

SHE LAUGHS

Hah hah! Knock-knock.

Hello. Hello, everyone. Hiya.
All right?

Katherine!

Hah, erm, I was just saying it was
fascinating to hear about

Pineapple Day earlier.

Yeah. Very lovely to hear
about the old memories.

Ahem...

And...

Goodness, that looks like real
leather, it can't possibly be cake.

THEY MOAN

Oh. Yes!
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

We were just wondering what else
you remember about that day?

Robin seemed to recall Eleanor

bringing you herbal tea,
is that right?

She used to bring me
herbal tea quite often actually.

Guilty! I bloody knew it! Told ya!
Case closed!

What?

She was systematically
poisoning you, Katherine.

For the inheritance.

Bee-atch.

Thomas, you have got to stop
listening to gangster rap.

But it's poetry! The most raw
and passionate I've ever heard.

I don't remember Eleanor
bringing me tea that day.

Ah.

We were too busy having
fun to take tea.

Oh?

We were quite giddy.

We even played hide
and seek between courses!

You should have consulted me.

You will enjoy the proceeds
well enough.

If word got out, we'd be imprisoned.

Or worse!

Calm yourself, Pessenpugh!

As far as the crown is concerned,

we've just been awfully
unlucky with pirates.

FLOORBOARD CREAKS

Excuse me, my Lords, I was playing
hide and seek with my sister.

They seemed displeased, but they did
not chide me at all, thank goodness.

My word.

I know.

It's so realistic
I can't believe my eyes.

Another round? I don't want to play
hangman any more.

I'm so hungry I feel like my stomach
is eating itself.

She'll be here soon.

She has to be.

Good God, I hope you're right.

Hang on.

Yes!

Hallelujah! Oh, Hosannah!

Thank you.

The attic rooms aren't suitable, you
won't consider the east wing, you've

ruled out all the others so unless
you can think of something else...

Hm. Yeah, OK. So just to recap.
Mike and I were thinking,

this side of the house, close to our
bedroom, not too big, north...

Where's your spunk?

What? Where's your spunk?

Erm. When you first arrived in this
house, you were full of spunk.

OK, all right, can we stop saying...

Too much spunk if anything.

You rolled up your sleeves

and did everything you could to make
a life for yourself here.

And I always admired that about you,
Alison.

If you want my room,
you only have to ask.

Please can
we have your room for the nursery?

Yes! That's the spunk I like.

Thank you so much, that is...
I shall take Julian's room.

And you can see to it that he
finds another, right?

They were stealing.

And from the King!

They couldn't let a witness walk
away from that.

So it was Bummenbach and Pessenpugh?

Well, we can't rule out Polly
with the posset.

What are you guys talking about?

Oh! We have multiple suspects,
Alison.

It was the Lords... Kitty
heard them showing off about...

Polly was trying to bump off Eleanor

and Kitty ate the wrong pudding.

Oh, come off it! Eleanor grew deadly
nightshade in the garden!

Robin saw her take Kitty
a tea that morning.

I..I..I never said it was morning.

It was later.

What?

Anything else you haven't mentioned?

Well, I was bit distracted that day.

I spent most of it watching
a spider.

Oh, for goodness' sake.

It was beautiful. Had a little
orange stripe on the back.

k*lled a goose.

A little something from our travels!

THEY GASP

Oh, my! May I touch it?

Please.

Ow! It's prickly!

Well, of course it is, stupid!

ECHOING LAUGHTER

I have made a tea to settle her
sto...

She is worse, Eleanor!
I am sending for the doctor!

Kitty.

Kitty.

Can you hear me?

I brought you a tea.

Well, you must wake up before it
gets cold, do you hear?

I am sorry, Kitty.

Since mother and father
made you my sister,

I haven't always been kind to you.

I thought that you had taken
something from me.

But in truth, you took nothing
and only gave.

Stay with me,
let me be a sister to you.

Like the sister you are to me.

ALL SHOUTING: Kitty. Kitty! Ah,
she's here. Come on!

Kitty, your sister didn't k*ll you!

I know she didn't silly,
I told you that.

May I take your hands?

Are you going to kiss them?

There. Clear as day. Ah!

Yes. What?

Kitty, you were bitten by a spider.

A spider?

It must have been on Bummenbach's
pineapple,

that's what you felt
when you held it.

I was bitten by a spider.

Like Peter Parker?

Yes, if Peter Parker had
just gone to sleep

and d*ed instead of turning
into Spider-Man, hmm.

I'm sorry, Kitty.

You were just unlucky that you
picked up the pineapple first.

Or lucky, I suppose, depending
on which way you look at it.

How can that possibly be lucky?

Well, Eleanor is Alison's ancestor.

So if she'd picked it up first,
then Alison wouldn't be here.

Nor would I.

My God, nor I!

No, you would still.
Yes, no, you're right.

What's in these boxes, anyway?

Cot. Changing table.

Baby stuff.

Ah. I'll bet you're excited.

Yeah.

Actually, I'm scared.

I don't know if I can...

I nearly got hit by lightning last
year, I got stuck on the roof

a couple of years before that, and
now I've locked myself in a safe.

How am I going to look after a baby
when I can barely look after myself?

I'm sure you're going to
be a great dad.

You'll be fun.

You don't have to be perfect.

Nobody is.

You just have to love them.

Thank you.

When they make you proud, tell them.

There you are! What...
What are you doing?

Thank goodness, Annabel. Hey.

Do you have water? Erm...

How did you... Don't ask.

We thought you might never come.

How long has it been?

Like an hour and a half?

What?!

Oh.

I don't suppose you came to
an agreement about the land?

Um, I don...

As a matter of fact, yes - / ?

You didn't have to give me half of
that wagon wheel, Mike, but you did.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to
go home and tell Bunny I love her.

I had a wagon wheel in my pocket.

It's not going to work Kitty!

I just need to practise!

EVERYONE TALKS

Ahem! Guys, I've got
something to show you.

I received a letter
from the English Heritage people.

They have approved Button House
for a blue plaque!

ALL: Finally! Yes! Ooh-hoo!

And it will say...

Wait for it. Here it comes.
Get ready to eat humble pie.

"Henry VIII dined here ."

Mm. Mm. Well, I thought you'd be
like that.

So...

..I made some of our own.

THEY EXCLAIM

Well, who cares about blue plaques,
anyway?

I don't really want to be reminded
of that now I think about it.

Kitty.

MUTTERING IN BACKGROUND

Time to choose!

Ah! It's cake!