05x06 - Last Resort

[bunniefuu]

KITTY: What should I say?
ALISON: I don't know.

Whatever you like.
Hello, Bumpy. I'm Katherine.

Who's your favourite
Spice Girl? Over.

GIGGLES

TV ON
Shh! Trying to listen to this!

What, the business news?

Yeah. I like to keep an eye
on the markets.

Track my investments.

You don't have any investments,
Julian.

You're dead.
For your information,

I've just added an exciting
new fund to my portfolio.

Oh. I set him up an account,
and I put in a fiver.

And it's already up to £..

That's a % yield. Yeah.

"King Midas", they used to call me

because everything
I touched turned to...

TV: ..fundamental downturn...

Oh, damn and blast!
Switch it off, Alison.

TV: Let's go over to Rachel
for today's...

ROBIN AND PAT OBJECT
We don't want to miss...

What? But you can't even
feel the heat.

Or the cold. Or...anything.

BOTH: Shh!

FORECAST CONTINUES

So, as I was saying, Melanie B
is the first...

YELPS

RETCHES

I just saw the baby.
Yeah, well, that's where it lives.

No, I mean, I saw everything.

Even...

Oh, Alison, you're having...

No, no, no. No.
We don't want to know the sex!

No, no, no, no, no.
PAT: Do you mind?

We're trying to watch this.

FORECAST CONTINUES

PAT SIGHS

Mm. Mm-mm.

PHONE RINGS
Oh...

Hello.

ON PHONE: Mr Cooper.

Charles Worthing here,
Worthing, Cole and...

Yeah. Yeah. Charlie, hi.

Have you heard from the golf guys?

I just got off the phone with them,

and there's good news
and there's bad news.

OK. Um... What's the good news?

The consortium have pulled
the offer.

You're kidding me?
What the hell is the bad news?!

No, I... I'm sorry.

I thought you'd ask
for the bad news first,

so I've written it down
in that order.

The good news, bad news
format was a mistake.

OK. So what's the good news?

Basically, your bar idea
got them thinking.

They no longer just want a course.

They're now proposing
a full-scale golf resort -

bar, hotel, health spa, the works.

Oh, my G...

Alison!

Alison.

Alison!

So, what does that mean for us?

They want it all, Michael -
to buy the house

AND grounds in its entirety.

Buy them...?

What?!

Guys...!

PAT SIGHS
She's just so...

ON TV: Rather gusty here.

BOTH: ..professional.

Yeah.

TV: ..humidity, which means
there'll be pressure building

between two fronts.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS
We can see more clouds...

FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING

HUMPHREY: How many times?!

Easy on the stairs!

You're kidding. You're kidding.

No. No.

BOTH: Well, what did he say,
exactly?

Just that. They want the
grounds for the golf course

and the house for the hotel and bar.
So, a complete buyout.

How much? I don't know.

He said they're just gauging
interest in principle for now,

but he reckons
it'll be a substantial offer.

Like - big money.

Pay off our debts.

Give us a little nest egg.

This could solve
all of our problems.

Yeah...

Oh, God, this is not going
to be an easy...

OK. Whatever you do,
do not let the ghosts...

WHISPERING: ..get wind of this.
Oh, yeah, I know. I'm not an idiot.

GHOSTS ALL YAMMER AT ONCE

They're here, aren't they?

Mm-hm. They know, don't they?

I told them, didn't I?

All right, guys.
Guys, guys, guys... Hey!

We've... We've barely had any
time to take this in ourselves,

let alone make a decision.

I mean, obviously,
we have to have a conversation...

GHOSTS ALL SPEAK AT ONCE

I meant...
I meant a conversation with Mike.

Right. Well, Mike's involved...

Without you.

PAT SIGHS

ALISON SIGHS

Let's go for a walk.

How could she even consider
such a thing?

This is Button House.

It needs to stay in the family!

Family, family, family!

Yeah!

Although, to be fair,
also money, money, money.

BOTH: ABBA!

Could she really leave me?

I mean, us.

KITTY: No! Not on my watch!

I'm going to make her love me
so much that she never leaves.

I'll be extra kind and nice
and sweet and caring,

and I won't put my head
in her belly.

Kitty's right.

Excluding the last bit.

Now, if we want her to stay,
we have to make staying

seem like
the most attractive option.

OTHERS AGREE

Operation...

..Be Really, Really Nice.

Walk to where? I don't know.

Just get out the house.

Mm-hm. Away from all the...

Yeah. Yeah.

Just weigh up the pros and cons
quietly, without all the drama.

SOBBING: She left me.

Oh...

OBI SOBS
MIKE SIGHS

OBI SOBS

Come on, mate.

We'd just gone halves
on a sandwich toaster...!

CONTINUES SOBBING

Hi, Alison.

GASPS
It's me, Kitty.

Yeah, I know.

If this is about the house, we...

Oh, that? No, no.
I've forgotten all about that.

No, I wanted to assure you,
as a friend,

as your best friend,

that the secret's safe with me.

You know, about the baby's sex.

Oh. I won't tell a soul.

And believe me, I can keep a secret.

I've kept some
for hundreds of years.

Even some really juicy ones,

like the one about my friend
Josephine.

Oooh, the one who poisoned
the mayor's cat?

How could you know that?

Because you told me, Kitty.

Oh, right.

Well, this will be different.

One of those real
never-tell-a-soul secrets,

like that Robin and Mary thing.

What Robin and Mary thing?

Oh, nothing. Nothing. W...

HEELS CLICKING

Mm.

Kitty, did you find...?

I don't know any secrets!

SOBBING

I know that sob.

Heartbreak.

I thought things were going
well with you and, uh...

Brenda. ..Brenda. Yeah.

So did I.

Then, today, out of the blue,

she just sends me this text -
"This isn't working."

Out of nowhere.

A text? Mm-hm.

That's cold. She didn't say why?

Just that it's been weird for ages,

and she needed something new.

SNIFFLES

Like someone else?

Oh, God...!

The cousin. It'll be the cousin.

OK. You need some answers.

Call her.

I've tried. She won't pick up.

Just have some rest, yeah?
You look tired.

Yeah.

WHIMPERS AND MUMBLES

What?

He thought she understood him.
I thought she understood me.

I know, mate.

OBI GASPS

OBI SOBS

There, there. It's all right.

The first years are the worst.

Actually, the next
are quite bad, too.

How's he doing?

Yeah, not great. I think he's going
to have a nap,

so maybe we could sneak off
for a minute. Have that chat?

PHONE CHIMES

OBI WAILS
Why?!

ALISON SIGHS

I should probably...
I'll tell you what -

why don't we both make a list,
the pros and cons of staying,

then compare them later?
OK. Great idea.

SOBS CONTINUE

I mean, yes, it's distressing,

but you haven't been sh*t
in the stomach.

What has she said now?

Slightly less than the melodrama
would have you believe.

Jeez, Louise! Can we please have
less sneaking up

on the pregnant woman?
Yes. Sorry. Of course.

Anything I can do to help.

In fact, that's why
I'm here, actually.

Just to say, if there's
anything I can do to help,

to help you in any way,
you only need ask. Anything.

You know, not chores,
obviously, or anything manual.

You know? No lifting or carrying

or anything that involves
physical contact of any kind.

LAUGHS
But that aside...anything.

Anything. Well...

Yeah. Well, that pretty much
counts out everything

that might be helpful to
a heavily pregnant woman.

So, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No.

Yeah.

ROBIN CHUCKLES

Real smooth!

What's it to you?

I don't know. What is,
what is it to me to you?

What? What?

I know what this is about. What?

It's Rachel, isn't it?

Off the weather.

You're jealous. Jealous?

ROBIN SCOFFS

That's right.

You know that a sophisticated
lady like Rachel

would never be interested
in an old fossil like you,

and it's eating you up inside.

She'd want a modern man.

A rad dude, drives a Datsun,
eats Caramac.

Maybe.

Or maybe she prefers someone
a little more rugged.

Huh? You know, rough around
the edges.

A bad boy.

PAT GASPS

Not some goody-goody-two-shoe
with your little shorts

and your tiny toggle.

It's a woggle!

As you would know, if you had
one iota of intelligence.

Ohh! You see, it requires a certain
degree of intellect to communicate

on a level with someone like Rachel,

with her southern oscillation
and her tightly packed isobars!

And with the best will
in the world, Robin,

you're not exactly
the sharpest tool in...

The square of the hypotenuse
to a right-angled triangle

is equal to the sum of the
square of the other two sides.

SCOFFS

So, you can parrot a bit
of Fibonacci...

That Pythagoras.

Hold up, clever d*ck!

What's the capital of Indonesia?

GROANS

GROANS

What are you doing?

Oh. Just redistributing some assets.

Just made a cool K.

That says p.

What do you want, Kitty?

Don't mind me. You carry on.

Such a lovely thing to do
for Alison.

A little nest egg for the baby.

Yes. Minus my commission,
obviously.

And while I can't say anything
specific about the baby,

I'm sure that if the baby could,

then the baby would thank you
for doing this for him.

Him?! Oh, no! What have I done?

Pros and cons.

FOOTSTEPS

Now, Alison... No.

No, what? No to whatever it is
you're going to say

about families and houses
and bloodlines.

We haven't even discussed it yet,

so I don't want a lecture about
a decision no-one's made.

Quite right. You take all the time
you need.

What? And whatever you decide
will be for the best, I'm sure.

Um... OK.

Now, how are you?

Hmm? You look well.

Positively blooming.

And that shawl. What a delight.

What's happening?

The fit is quite sublime,

and the hue really brings out
the colour of your eyes.

Stop it. Whatever this is,
can you stop it?

Stop what, Alison? I'm merely
making conversation.

It's creepy. Oh, my God,
what's wrong with your mouth?

I'm smiling, Alison.
People like smiles.

Well, stop it. You're making my skin
go weird.

I'm just being pleasant, Alison.

Is it so hard to believe
that I could be pleasant?

Um... I've been being pleasant
since before you were born,

young lady, and I will not have
my naturally breezy demeanour

called into question
by the likes of you!

It's absolutely outrageous!

And take off those boots!
You look like a strumpet!

Wow.

Good morning, Alison,
and may I just say...

Out! Understood.

CLEARS HIS THROAT

Yeah...

OBI SIGHS

I miss her hair.

Her perfume.

Her feet.

You said feet.
You've already said feet.

The way her eyes crinkle
when she smiles.

All eyes do that.

Her feet.

Oh, good God, man, it's been
for ever! Get over it!

Stop fawning over her
like a lovesick puppy!

You're embarrassing yourself!

Mike... Oh, Alison.

You're looking radiant.

Is now a good time to compare lists?

Um, yeah. He's just riffing anyway.

I don't think he'll notice I'm gone.

Just abandoned. Again.

My whole life!

SOBS
Why do people always abandon me?

SOBS INTENSIFY

You're on your own, mate.

Alison, a moment, please.

OBI SOBS AND MUTTERS

Hello, Lady Button.

Kitty. Are you well?

Not particularly.

I tried to endear myself
to Alison, as we agreed, but...

Well, you've probably never
noticed this, Kitty,

but occasionally I betray
a slightly barbed demeanour.

LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY

Well, we all have our flaws.

And I'm sure Alison knows deep down
how much you care for her.

Do you think so? Of course.

You're giving up your room
to be the nursery.

What could be more selfless? Yes.

Yes, I suppose you're right.
I can see it now.

A cot in the corner,

a chest full of teddies,
and all painted blue.

Blue?! For a boy?! Oh, my goodness!

What's wrong with me?
AIR WHOOSHES

You're here. Good. Oh, and Kitty's
here, too. Even better.

CHUCKLES
Now, we were wondering

if you would settle, um...

..I wouldn't say a disagreement.

I would. Right. You see, Robin
and I have been discussing

what might constitute an ideal
day out with a female companion.

A woman. A lady friend. Woman.

What the Americans might
call a date.

I don't approve of them.

What, dates?

Americans.

Right. OK.

Well, that's... All we'd like you to
do is just judge

which nice day out with a lady
sounds better to you,

from a female point of view.

Oh, what fun! I see.

So, my pitch is a day at the beach.

Yes!

LAUGHS
I love the beach.

Oh, it's perfect.
Yes. I'll marry you, Pat.

All right, Kitty.

There's more to it than that.

There is? Yes.

We meet at the station.

I got some flowers
from the Londis.

We're getting trains, see, so we can
have a couple of those.

Then it's straight to the beach
for fish and chips.

Mushy peas, if she likes 'em.

We'll stroll down the prom for a ,

and then we'll sit on the pebbles...

..and have a box of white wine.

The good stuff, mind.

Liebfraumilch.

And then, we'll watch the
sun go down.

No.

You what?!

Flowers? With my hay fever?

And I certainly wouldn't
travel by train.

And peas should not be mushy
any more than wine belongs in a box.

The whole thing sounds ghastly!

Ha!

All right! Well, let's hear yours!

Rummaging for grubs and then
back to the cave, is it?

CLEARS HIS THROAT

We take a carriage
to Simpson's in the Strand.

The pre-theatre menu
but with champagne -

Dumont, Laurent...

Then on for dry Martinis
at Claridge's. I've booked ahead.

Robin wins. Yes!

Oh, well done, Robin.

You just wooed a -year-old woman.

Excuse me! And Kitty liked mine.

Well, best of three, then!

Ah, perfect.

I'm doing him a snack,
so we've got a couple of minutes.

So, obviously, I've got ghosts.

Yeah, me, too. Yeah.

In which column?

Both.

Yeah.

Yeah, me, too. I've still to do my
cons cos I'm struggling.

..I'm fortunate, nay blessed...

Ghost? Ghosts.
..to share your home... OK.

..with such devoted
and contented companions.

I will catch you later.
If you would.

Imagine a life where you wake
up in the morning

to find you haven't been
written a poem.

Mm-hm...

A life without seeing
this face every day.

You see?

Even now, I'm in your thoughts.

Why, you have idly scribed my name.

Pray tell, what is a con?

It means...confident.

And I am...

..confident.

Confident that you will make
the right choice.

EXHALES

GASPS
Guys! How many times?

Pregnant!

Yeah. Sorry, Alison.

We've just got a little favour to
ask if you've got two minutes.

Well, I mean, I do, I... Good.

See, Pat think we need modern
lady to judge lady things.

Lady things? Yeah.

We've both got our eye on
Rachel the weather girl,

but we can't agree on who'd win her.

So, I'm going in with a day
at the beach.

You know, fish and chips,
Mr Whippy, the works.

No, no, no, no. To win a girl like
that, you're talking

dinner at the Strand,
champagne, oyster cocky-tail.

No, no. Stop. Stop, stop, stop.

This is ridiculous. Well, yeah.
I did try to tell him. Don't...

I mean, both of you.

Firstly, you're dead people fighting
over a woman off the telly.

Secondly, this whole competition
feels kind of demeaning.

She's not a piece of meat.

Yeah! We know that.

She's a lady. Yeah.

You know, a lovely,
unique human lady.

Human lady.

Well, what's her full name?

Rachel...

Yeah?

Guh...

K...

BOTH: Weather?

McGill.

McGill! So close!

She's not a possession
that either of you can win,

even if you were alive.

She's a smart, successful woman
who deserves more respect

than either of you
are showing her right now.

She's right.

Yeah.

Share? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, Captain, can I ask your advice?

Ah, Katherine. Yes, of course.
Anything.

In the w*r, you had
to keep secrets, yes?

Oh...
LAUGHS

Well, I... I couldn't possibly
say, Kitty.

CHUCKLES

Yes. Right.

So, how do you do it? Keep a secret.

It turns out I'm not quite as
good at it as I thought I was.

Ah, I see. Well, it's actually
pretty straightforward.

Just don't allow yourself to be
pulled into any conversations

about the offending issue,
which in this case is...?

The baby being a boy.
Oh! You see?

Good Lord! You're an
interrogator's dream.

Well, I think
in your particular case,

it's best if you keep your
conversations focused

entirely on the other person,

thus avoiding the risk
of any accidental divulgence.

FOOTSTEPS

Try it. Try it now. Try it.

Hello, you two. Hello.
What have you been up to?

Well, we had a little
falling-out, didn't we, Robin?

A lovers' tiff.

Yeah, but it's all patched up now.

Honestly, you boys!

I said boy. Like baby boy.

The baby's a boy!
Oh, I can't stop doing it...!

What's up with...?

Panic over. They're staying.

PAT: What? KITTY: Are they?

Alison and I had
a little tete-a-tete and...

..well, let's just say I'm confident
she won't be going anywhere.

Oh, that's a relief. Well done,
Thomas. Nice one.

Ironic, isn't it? All this effort
to keep her here.

It only seems like yesterday
that they arrived here

and we couldn't wait
to get them out.

That's right. True.

Julian even pushed Alison
out of the window!

LAUGHS

He absolutely did...
ALISON: What?

Now, listen, let's not be too ha...

Oh, my God. What have you done?

Well, don't look at me!
Julian pushed her!

He's right. Julian,
you have to fix this at once.

What? Our efforts are for nothing
now this hangs over us.

It's m*rder, Julian.

Attempted m*rder.

I'm going to be sick.

RETCHES

You have to make this right.
Yeah. It's all on you.

Just take a bite.

I can't.

It just reminds me of her.

She loves lettuce.

PHONE VIBRATES

GROANS

Hello. Obi's phone.

WHISPERING: I'm not here.

Just a second.

ON PHONE: Hello?

Brenda? Hey! You all right?

Of course I'm not all right.

Oh, God. What's wrong?

What do you think? I've been dumped.

Huh? By who?

By you.

Erm, I didn't dump you.

Yes, you did.

Obi, I'd know if I'd dumped you.

You said, "This isn't working,"
and, "It's been weird for ages."

Yeah. My phone.

But you said, "I think I
need something new."

Yeah, a new phone.

But you said, "Don't call.

"I need some time
to figure this out."

Yeah, to get a new phone.

Cos mine stopped receiving calls.
I told you that yesterday.

Oh, yeah.

You did.

So...

..are we back together?

We never broke up.

Though I suppose
I could pretend we did,

you know, if you wanted
to...make up?

Uh... Dude, I got to go.

I'm going to call you later.
Brenda. Brenda...

Unbelievable.

We're taking the deal.

What?

GHOSTS ALL SPEAK AT ONCE

No, no, no. Never say sorry.

That's the first rule of politics.

PAT: But you've done it before.
You've sung it before.

That was different.
We all did that together.

Never be in a minority.
Second rule of politics.

To Hades with your rules, sir!

You need to apologise, man.
Oh, yeah.

Like a simple sorry
is going to make this right.

You'd be surprised.
There's nothing so bad

that it can't be fixed
with a sincere apology.

Oh, really?

BAD NORTHERN ACCENT: Hello, Pat.
Morris here.

I'm so sorry
I slept with your wife, mate.

That's all right...

..mate.

And thank you for your apology,
you f-f-f-f-f...

..fine fellow.

WHISPERING: Now you try.

MIKE: OK, what have they said now?

It's not what they said.
It's just...

It doesn't matter why.

We need to leave.
I just... Just trust me.

And I sincerely apologise if you
feel in some way aggrieved

by the actions that are alleged...

That's not an apology,
damn your eyes!

I'm trying here!

My list is, like, % cons.

It's just... Are you sure
about this?

There are no second chances
here, Julian.

Don't just say it.
You must mean it.

Please don't let her go.

"We will gladly consider the
sale of the house and grounds

"in their entirety."

Send?

Send.

JULIAN: Alison.

I've got nothing to say to you.

Just one minute, please...

I beg of you.

Just one minute.

Well...
CLEARS HIS THROAT

..the thing is...

Uh...

I'm...

I'm...

Uh...

I am...

Mm-hm.

I am...

I'm not sorry, actually.
GHOSTS GASP

In fact, I'm glad.

Yeah, I'm glad I did what I did,
because were it not for that,

you would never have met us,

and our lives would be poorer
for it... Deaths! Deaths!

Look, I'm not proud of
my actions, Alison.

Of course I'm not.

But I can't pretend to regret them
when they brought with them this...

..magic.

This gift that we could have
waited a lifetime for.

, lifetimes.

I'm glad you found us, Alison.

And I think, if you're honest
with yourself...

..you're glad that we found you.

Ooh...

But you do as you must.

We won't stand in your way.

CLEARS HIS THROAT

Someone's still talking?

You OK?

I can't do it.

They're awful.

You are... You are awful.

Yeah, I know.

But...

But what are you going to do?

It's family.

I know that your list
was mainly cons, but...

..how do you feel about staying?

Honestly, I only had one pro.

But I think it's a goody.

Yeah.

ALISON SNIFFLES

Oooh! The safe!

Well, I mean...

TV ON

What about Erin if it's a girl?

Well, we know it's a...

Kitty!

I'm sorry.

Oh! Right, OK, who here knows
the sex of our baby?

I also know. You're kidding!

Does everyone...? Yeah.

Guys...

Alison, I know that Kitty
has been a little indiscreet

in regard to this issue,

but ensuring a battalion keeps
a vital secret

is exactly what I trained for.

You have my personal assurance
that until this baby is born,

no-one in this house will let slip

any detail about the little lad.

GHOSTS GROAN
Great.

Damn it. So, it's a boy, then.

What? Damn it.

This is all my fault!
I'm so sorry, Alison.

I couldn't help but see.

You couldn't miss it.
It was just so long.

Really?

Yes. All coiled around him
like a giant spring.

Like a...

Wait.

LAUGHS
Kitty...

Kitty, I think you saw
the umbilical cord.

The what?

The... The tube that gives
it all its nutrients

when it's inside me.

It does what? Let me see.

TV: Now let's take a look at
what the weather has in store.

PAT CHUCKLES

The outlook's about to get
a little sunnier.

ROBIN GRUNTS

Live from our new weather centre in
Salford, it's Richard Hanratty.

How are things looking
for the weekend, Richard?

Richard? Oh! Oh, turn
it off, Alison.

No, no. No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no...

Let's not be too hasty.

CAPTAIN CLEARS HIS THROAT