04x03 - Poor Evelyn

[bunniefuu]

[RIK HOWARD & BOB WIRTH'S

"TOGETHER" PLAYING]

♪ Here we are, face to face ♪

♪ A couple of silver spoons ♪

♪ Hopin' to find ♪

♪ We're two of a kind ♪

♪ Makin' a go ♪

♪ Makin' it grow ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Takin' the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all about ♪

♪ Those things

You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons together ♪

♪ You and I together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I together ♪

What happened to

the hors d'oeuvres?

I ate them.

Even the smoked eel?

It's Evelyn.

The thought of

your ex-wife visiting

makes me very nervous.

If she moved here,

I'd gain pounds.

Honey, I know

she got under your skin,

but that was before

we were married.

She's bound to be

a lot more mellow now.

You're probably right.

Do we have any peanut butter

in the kitchen?

Okay, that's done.

Chopping wood really

clears your mind.

I made a career decision.

Oh, yeah, what?

I'm definitely not

gonna be a lumberjack.

That'll definitely make

your mother happy.

I can't wait to see her.

Maybe this time

she'll stay for a month or two.

You'd better hurry

and get changed.

You know your mom, she probably

has a busy day planned.

Yeah. Fancy lunch,

top Broadway show...

You know, she really spoils me.

I love it.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Yeah, I'll get that.

Richard!

Mom!

Let me look at you.

Seeing how tall you're getting

makes me feel so...

old.

Mom, you're not that old.

You're only--

Ah! That'll be enough, Richard.

I'll be right back.

Edward.

Evelyn.

[CLEARS THROAT]

And Kate.

Or should I say Mrs. Stratton?

Congratulations.

Oh, thank you.

I think it's just wonderful.

A real rags-to-riches story.

We're so sorry you couldn't

come to the wedding,

but we only had room for .

Psst! Hey, you, tootsie.

I got living to make.

I just flew in from London,

and I only have a few pounds.

But they all in good places.

Oh, isn't he adorable?

Could you pay the man, please?

Sure. How much?

Twenty-seven bucks.

Okay.

There's .

Come on,

I tip better than that.

Everybody tip better than that.

Give him another five.

[SIGHS]

Thank you.

I gave you the five.

Thank you.

Never mind.

Goodbye, material girl.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Okay, I'm ready to go.

We're not going, dear.

I thought we'd just stay here

and hang out.

Hang out?

Here?

It occurs to me that

we always do what I wanna do.

That's how I remember it.

Tell me, dear, what would you

be doing if I weren't here?

Uh, this.

Then what?

There is a movie

I'd like to see.

All my friends say

it really makes a statement.

Oh?

It's called

Vampire Cheerleaders.

That's number one

on my must-see list.

Do you mean it?

Let's go.

Here you go, Dad.

I don't need this.

Okay.

Oh, Edward, between

the cab driver and now,

I haven't had a chance

to get to the bank.

Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah.

Here you go. And...

Thank you.

You're gonna love

this movie, Mom.

It's about cheerleaders

who suck the blood

out of everybody

in their neighborhood.

Sort of like

your circle of friends.

Maybe money can buy wit.

So how did

the old Mrs. Stratton

and the new Mrs. Stratton

hit it off?

It was sort of

a love-hate relationship.

They both love

to hate each other.

Hey, son. How was

Vampire Cheerleaders?

Not nearly as good

as Werewolf Stewardesses.

Dad, Mom needs some cash

for the taxi.

Again? I'm running

out of pocket money.

How much does she need

to get to the Plaza?

She's not staying

at the Plaza.

I think Mom may be

hurting for money.

Why do you say that?

At the movie, she told me

to stoop down

and tell them

I was under .

I'm sure there's a logical

explanation for that...

somewhere.

That's strange.

What's the matter?

I thought I saw Evelyn

sneak apples into her purse.

I knew it. She's broke!

That's impossible.

She's inherited millions.

There's no way

she could spend that much.

You've never seen her shop.

What if it's really true?

Oh, come on, Rick.

Your mom's business manager

keeps her

on a sensible budget.

What's his name?

Clarence Birmingham.

Oh, no!

Oh, no?

I hate to be

the bearer of bad tidings,

but Evelyn's money's

gone south.

What?

Birmingham was last seen

in Rio de Janeiro,

dancing in the streets,

and it wasn't even

carnival time.

I think we'd better

talk to Evelyn

and find out

what's going on.

Yeah.

Dex, it might be

more comfortable for her

if it's just us.

That's a good idea.

Anyway, poverty makes me queasy.

Hello. I'm sorry. Goodbye.

Mmm. Something

smells delicious.

What is it?

Pot roast.

Is that meat?

Would you like

to stay for dinner?

Well, this is

awfully short notice,

and the Vanocurs did

invite me for croquet,

but who could say no

to meat in a pot?

[GASPS]

Kate, is this your idea

of a practical joke?

Evelyn, we know about

Clarence Birmingham.

You do?

I'm afraid so.

You've lost everything, Mom?

Not everything.

I still have my shoes,

one Louis Vuitton bag,

a can of hair spray...

a little cake of soap

I stole from my motel.

Oh, Richard, I'm a bag lady.

[SOBBING]

Just take it easy, Mom.

Listen.

I've saved $ .

I want you to have it. Okay?

I can give you enough

to get you back on your feet.

I refuse

to be a charity case.

I'm not going to become

one of those poor souls

I used to throw

fundraisers for.

I'll never

throw a benefit again!

[SOBBING]

I'll try to comfort her.

It's kind of scary, isn't it?

I mean, just last month,

she was tooling around

London with that royal dude.

It's duke, not dude.

Poor mom.

She had all that money,

now it's all gone.

That's why

I always told you, son,

money isn't everything,

you know?

The most important things

in life

are your family and friends.

We've got to help her.

You heard, I tried.

She doesn't want charity.

Well, then give her a job.

A job?

The only opening I have

is a receptionist.

That's perfect!

Mom's best thing is

talking on the phone!

Rick, making your mother

a receptionist

would be like making

Queen Elizabeth

a supermarket checker.

[IMITATES QUEEN]

"Harold, price check

on the potatoes."

She'd never accept it.

She might. She's down

to swiping fruit.

Rick, there's

another drawback.

Hiring your ex-wife creates

a whole raft of problems.

Especially when

your present wife

is vice president

of your company.

Oh, Kate will understand.

Didn't you just say

the most important things

are your friends and family?

As a general principle, yeah.

Well, Mom is my family, and

she was a part of yours once.

For seven days!

Haven't you always taught me

it's better to give

than receive?

And that the gift of love

is the most--

All right, I'll offer her a job.

Great, Dad!

You're not gonna be sorry.

She's an awfully lucky woman.

Lucky?

Yeah. To have a son like you.

Let's go.

Wait a minute.

Wouldn't it be easier

to convince her

I owe years back alimony?

You find out who your friends

are when the money goes.

You don't need

friends like that.

I even lost my duke.

Oh, you'll get another dog.

I was referring

to the Duke of Braxton.

Oh. That duke. Heh.

We were about to be engaged

when word of

my misfortune hit the fan.

So he dumped you?

Like an old sock.

I'm sorry.

Oh, how could you

possibly understand?

You know, Evelyn, you're a very

difficult person to console.

Thank you.

Mom, how would you like

a job at Eddie Toys?

A job? You're kidding.

He is kidding, isn't he?

Honey, Rick begged me

to offer her a job.

Would it do any good

if I begged you not to?

Don't worry, honey.

She'll never take it.

Mom thinks you offered the job

because you feel sorry for her,

but she'd earn her money, right?

Well, don't

pressure her, Rick.

Your mother may

not even want a job.

Wait a minute. I'm not above

working for a living.

You're not?

I've read several novels

about women executives

and fantasized myself ensconced

in a powerful corner office.

Well, the job is

a receptionist.

Receptionist?

It's grueling work.

You have to answer the phone.

And type.

And greet visitors with a smile.

And type.

But you'd work

your way up in no time.

Naturally.

How much does it pay?

Three hundred a week.

Oh.

I used to spend

more than that on Perrier.

Well, it was just a thought.

Yeah, we understand.

It's not something you'd like.

Probably not.

KATE: Yeah.

But I'll take it.

Yes!

[PHONE RINGS]

Eddie Toys.

Leo Patterson? I'll see

if he works here. Hold on.

Good news, he's vice president

of Marketing.

Phone call for you,

Mr. Patterson.

Well, I don't know who it is.

All right, I'll find out.

Excuse me,

but who is this?

[RINGS]

Hold, please.

Eddie Toys.

[RINGS]

Hold, please.

Oh, darn.

[RINGING]

What's going on? The phone's

lit up like a Christmas tree.

I broke a nail.

[RINGING]

Well, can you fix it

after you answer the phone?

Typical industrial thinking.

No problem.

They hung up.

Evelyn, let me explain

something to you.

Incoming calls are the life's

blood of this organization.

Your position here

is very important.

Don't patronize me, Edward.

A chimp could do this job.

Maybe. But we have you.

Oh, nuts.

Excuse me, Evelyn.

A messenger will be

coming to pick this up.

You just love to rub my face

in it, don't you?

Are you sure you haven't been

a receptionist before?

Evelyn, would you confirm

this reservation for lunch?

There will be four of us.

Wonderful, I'm famished.

I'm sorry, but you

won't be going. It's business.

Fine. Be like that.

Kate and I were just

discussing a strategy

for our lunch

with Mr. Yamaguchi.

If we pull this off,

we'll have a cr*ck

at the Japanese market.

Mm-hm. Finally a balance

of trade. They send us cars,

we send them googly eyes.

Show me the pitch in

my office. Want some coffee?

Oh, yes, thank you.

Love some.

Evelyn, would you please

make a fresh pot of coffee?

Don't you have people for that?

Yes. You.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

[CHUCKLES]

Hi, Mom. How's it going?

I am bored to death.

The most important question

I've been asked is,

"Where is the bathroom?"

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

[SIGHS]

That may not seem like

an important question to you,

but to the person who's asking,

that can be critical.

What now?

EDWARD:

Let me know the minute

Mr. Yamaguchi gets here.

Don't worry about it.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I'll be with you in a minute.

You're supposed to take out

the old grounds first.

Well, sure,

if you want weak coffee.

[PHONE RINGING]

Don't they know I'm busy?

Eddie Toys.

[RINGING]

Hold, please.

Excuse me, I have a meeting.

I will be with you in a minute.

Eddie Toys. Hold, please.

Eddie Toys...

Mom!

Oh, stupid--!

No, not you. Look, call back.

Oh, I need the thingy.

[INTERCOM BUZZING]

Hello.

EDWARD:

Rick, is that you?

Oh, yeah, Dad.

I'm just filling in.

Mom's getting the coffee.

Oh, look out!

EVELYN:

Oh, no!

What button do I push?

Override, enter,

stop print, then execute.

What?

Just pull the plug.

Mom, the one to the printer!

Oh!

EVELYN:

Oh, nuts.

RICKY:

It's not your fault, Mom.

You're just overqualified.

EDWARD:

What happened?

Where?

[YAMAGUCHI CLEARS THROAT]

EDWARD:

Oh, good lord!

Mr. Yamaguchi?

You guys better

have great toys.

After you left this afternoon,

we were offered the rights

to the Madonna doll.

Really? Oh!

Yeah.

Evelyn told them Eddie Toys

doesn't handle religious items.

Why doesn't that surprise me?

She's already

cost me thousands

in foul-ups,

bleeps and blunders.

[SIGHS]

I'm gonna have to fire her.

Just throw her out

into the street?

I was only gonna fire her.

I like your idea better.

What are you gonna tell Rick?

"Sorry, son, but your mother

is getting the a*"?

Well, maybe I don't

have to fire her.

Maybe I could open

an office in Nairobi.

Africa has enough problems.

I've gotta get rid of her.

Going out?

Yeah.

Mom's taking me out to dinner

to celebrate

her first day on the job.

She loves working

for Eddie Toys, Dad.

Yeah, well...

You've given

back the self-respect

and courage

to rebuild her life.

What a guy.

Son, listen, I have to talk

to you about your mother.

Did I mention

self-respect and courage?

There's no easy way to say this.

I have to fire your mother.

We'll give her

six months' severance pay.

Can't you give her

another chance?

All she did was

spill a little water,

short out the electricity

and knock out the computer.

Well, she only had

eight hours.

Thanks for giving her

the chance.

Hi, boss.

Rick said it would be all right

to bring my laundry over.

Yeah. Use all the soap you want.

We better hurry, Rick.

We don't wanna miss out

on the two-for-one corn dogs.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get that.

There's something I want

to say to both of you.

What's that?

Thank you for the job.

Evelyn, has anybody told you

about Eddie Toys'

early retirement plan?

Hello. Can I help you?

Yes. I'm trying

to ascertain the whereabouts

of a Miss Evelyn Bradford.

Evelyn?

Well, who may I say

is ascertaining?

Lowell Whiting III,

the Duke of Braxton.

You're the duke?

Well, what do you want

with my mom?

I'm here to beg her forgiveness.

You are? Well, great!

Come on in.

I'll get her and tell her.

Just sit. Heh-heh.

Don't move.

Stay, duke.

Mom! It's your duke.

Lowell, here?

In our living room.

He's looking for you.

Well, you'd better get

out there, Evelyn.

I can't go out there like this.

I look like a hausfrau.

Kate. Give me your dress.

What?

I know, it wouldn't be

my first choice either,

but I'm desperate.

I don't know...

Give her the dress!

We'll stall the duke.

Come on, Dad.

[WHIMPERS]

Oh.

Mom will be right out.

Uh, Dad, this is

Lowell Whiting III.

Well, hi.

I'm Edward Stratton III.

I'm the Duke of Braxton.

I've got a lot of credit cards.

Evelyn told me about you.

Oh? Well, none of it true.

Let's hope not. Heh-heh-heh.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, well, Evelyn is helping

my wife in the kitchen.

Once you get my mom near a

stove, you can't pull her away.

Evelyn?

Oh, yeah.

Get her in a home environment...

Or a castle environment...

Yeah, brings out the domestic

side in her like that.

Evelyn Bradford?

RICKY: Yep.

Evelyn, darling!

So you've come

crawling back, have you?

A Braxton never crawls.

Oh, you don't understand--

You see, "crawling"

is American slang

for "glad to see you."

Right, Mom?

He knows exactly what I mean.

This is the welcome I get?

After I made a grueling journey

across the Atlantic?

Three hours on a Concorde.

Goodbye, Evelyn.

No, wait a minute, duke.

Wait a minute.

You're never gonna find

another woman quite like Evelyn.

She's one of a kind. Oh...

Believe me.

Give him a chance, Mom.

He was telling us

how much he missed you.

Is that true?

Did you say that?

No.

Oh!

Oh, come on, duke.

You know you missed her.

Well, maybe a little.

Actually, rather a lot.

Evelyn, I've made

a terrible mistake.

I had no idea

how much I'd miss you

until you were gone.

Hey, Mom.

That's from the heart.

Well, I missed you too.

You hear that?

She missed you too.

Evelyn, if you can find it

within yourself to forgive me,

would you do me the honor

of becoming my wife?

Yes!

Well, if my mom says

it's okay, heh.

I don't know.

I'm working for Edward now.

It wouldn't be fair

to leave him in the lurch.

I love to be left in lurches.

I have two tickets

to London leaving tonight.

Let me see. My choices are...

a : to : job

on Long Island

or becoming a duchess.

Huh. Oh, all right.

[LAUGHS]

Congratulations!

And thank you.

Really, thank you.

I can hardly wait

to redecorate the castle.

Maybe you can put a Jacuzzi

in the t*rture chamber, huh?

This is fantastic.

My mom will be

the duchess of Braxton.

I wonder what that makes me?

Nothing.

Thank you.

Oh, goodbye.

We'll see you at the wedding.

You know I love you, don't you?

I love you too.

I hope you've learned

a lesson from this.

Work hard, and good things

will come your way.

[LAUGHING]

Whew, ha!

Kate, my mom went off

to marry the duke.

Oh! Well, that's par

for the course.

She's got my nice dress

and I've got

her dirty laundry.

She's lucky she's got

the duke to take care of her.

She's lucky the duke

tracked her down.

We're lucky

I called him in London.

[♪♪♪]