04x06 - The Trouble with Uncle Harry

[bunniefuu]

[RIK HOWARD & BOB WIRTH'S

"TOGETHER" PLAYING]

♪ Here we are, face to face ♪

♪ A couple of silver spoons ♪

♪ Hopin' to find

We're two of a kind ♪

♪ Making a go

Making it grow ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Taking the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all about

Those things ♪

♪ You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons together ♪

♪ You and I together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I together ♪

Hi, Dad.

Hey, son.

Look.

Genuine m*llitary camouflage.

We got it at the Army PX.

Whew, that's a relief.

I thought you enlisted.

How come you're back so early?

Uncle Harry sounded off

to some general

that women were

ruining the Army.

Oh, yeah,

what happened?

She had the MPs throw him

off the base.

Where's the old

smooth talker now?

He's parking your Mercedes.

My Mercedes?

No wonder I can't find my keys!

Why didn't he take his car?

He said it wouldn't be able

to take the test course

where they try out new tanks.

Eddie, my boy, something's wrong

with your transmission.

You better have it looked at.

Harry, I'm gonna say this

in a language

that I know you'll understand.

[YELLING]

Now hear this!

You never take my car again!

Got it, soldier?

Got it.

By the way,

you're low on gas.

There's a great w*r movie on,

The Longest Day.

Oh, yeah! That's the one

where John Wayne plays me.

It makes your tummy sing,

Chicken Charlie.

♪ Yummy yummy

Yum yum yum ♪

[IMITATES CHICKEN CLUCKING]

Did you ever eat his chicken?

It tastes like ribs.

I know that idiot.

You know Chicken Charlie?

Yeah. Charlie Morrison.

We were master sergeants

in the Army together.

Of course, he was

a better dresser then.

Have you kept in touch?

Nah! We weren't exactly buddies.

We were always trying

to top each other.

If I ran my squad miles,

he'd run his .

If I made my men scrub latrines

with a toothbrush,

he'd make

his men use matchsticks.

Sorry I missed that.

Yeah.

You know, the last thing

that turkey buzzard

said to me

when we left the Army

was, "Harry, you'll never

make it in the real world."

Shows you how wrong he was.

Yeah.

Why don't you give

the old turkey buzzard a call?

Well, I've been thinking of it,

but, uh, I've been

too busy lately. No, no, no.

Why don't you call him

right now?

He'd be blown out

if he knew the Pentagon's

always calling you for advice.

That's a good idea, Rick,

but I can't do it right now.

I've got to...

I gotta get some java.

Hi, kids.

Don't let me bother you.

How are you doing, Katie?

Hi, Uncle Harry.

The cinematography

was incredibly panoramic.

You like panoramic?

Try the view from the top

of the bridge at Remagen.

Did I ever tell you

how I saved that bridge?

No more than , times.

Did I tell you?

Uh, Edward told me.

Kate?

Is that where you slapped

General Patton

and told him to pull

himself together?

It was for his own good.

RICK:

Uncle, could you

come here, please?

Coming! I'll be right back.

I love it when Harry tells

World w*r II stories.

Did you know that

one time he single-handedly

annoyed a German platoon

to death?

What's the panic, kiddo?

Guess who wants to talk to you?

[IMITATES CHICKEN CLUCKING]

Charlie?

Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I don't want that bum

lording it over me.

Lording it over you?

This man dresses like a hen.

Talk to him.

No, no, no. Forget it.

Come on. Invite him to lunch,

maybe cook up a deal together.

Oh, no, no, no, no...

Hey.

You know...

that's not a bad idea.

Great.

You're a born leader, young man.

Are Kate and Edward still going

to that Jets game tomorrow?

Yes.

Okay.

Charlie, you old son of a...

g*n.

Yeah. Hey, hey, yeah,

we ought to get together.

Why don't you come out

to my estate on Long Island?

What?

Uh, say tomorrow

around, mmm, : .

We'll have ourselves

a nice lunch.

Yeah. What's my address?

You live in Toledo.

Uh, Charlie, it's...

It's Mockingbird Lane,

uh, Shallow Springs. Yeah.

Oh, and by the way, make sure

that you leave plenty of time

to get from the gate

to the house.

Carry on!

Oh, ho, ho!

Ooh, Rick, you are a genius.

You are a genius!

When Charlie sees this house,

he's gonna eat his socks.

Oh, what an idea!

Wait a minute, Harry, my dad

is never gonna go for this.

How's he gonna find out?

Charlie'll be in and out

in a few minutes,

and who's gonna know

about it?

I'll know about it.

You expect me

to keep this a secret?

[SHUSHES]

A slip of the lip

can sink a ship.

I think every family

has its Uncle Harry.

It's nature's way of paying

us back for the nice things.

Don't tell me the Stuffins

family has a black sheep.

We call them white sheep.

Yes, Uncle George.

What was the matter with him?

He was a lawyer in Michigan,

became a judge,

then was elected

lieutenant governor.

What's the matter with that?

He showed up

for his inauguration

wearing his mother's

wedding dress.

What a shame. In California,

nobody would have noticed.

Dad...

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's not important.

Look, I know how tough

Uncle Harry can be,

but I don't see him

as you do.

I still see him as I did

when I was a little girl.

He'd sweep into Columbus

in his Army uniform

from some spot

halfway around the world

and absolutely hypnotize me.

Yeah. He's got Rick snowed too.

He used to tell

the most wonderful stories.

And he still does.

Did I ever tell you about

the landing at Salerno?

There were Germans to the left,

Italians to the right.

Oh, I would love to listen,

but I have so much

to do upstairs.

Oh, that's okay.

It's a man's story anyway.

Well, there we were,

trapped with no way out.

I know the feeling.

Listen, I've got to run.

Oh, no problem.

I'll just tell Eddie.

Ah, well, maybe later. I've

gotta see Rick for a minute.

That's all right.

I'll save it till dinner.

Tough luck.

Yeah.

It's been that kind of day.

Want to talk about it?

It's really simple.

Someone who's very

close to someone

who's close to someone else

wants to pretend

to own something

that really belongs

to someone else.

The someone who's close

to the someone

that this someone is close to.

Dad, the real problem is,

somebody wants me to keep

quiet about something.

You mean lie?

Well, yeah. But the thing is,

this lie won't hurt anybody.

Sounds like

it's hurting you already.

I know.

I know.

Then you know

what to do about it?

Knowing what to do

doesn't make it easier.

I know.

I know.

He dribbles.

He passes. He stuffs. Ha!

Uncle Harry, we've got to talk.

Sure, kid. What's the problem?

We cannot pretend

this is your house.

Why not?

It'll only take

five minutes at the most.

He'll be in and out,

and then we're off to lunch.

Would you hand me

the grape jelly?

It doesn't matter

how long it takes.

We cannot do it.

I'll make it three minutes.

No! It's wrong.

I don't want you to do something

that'll make you uncomfortable.

Even if it means

that a blowhard

like Charlie Morrison

will have the time

of his life

laughing at me.

It's ironic, isn't it?

A man serves his country

for years,

and the world

thinks of him as...

a washed-up piece of nothing.

Listen, the visit's

not until tomorrow.

Call him up

and change your plans.

No, no. No.

He'll find out sooner or later.

Harry Summers is not one

to dodge the b*llet.

No.

Better to tell him

I'm a washed-up failure...

face to face.

Okay. Okay, Uncle Harry.

Are you sure, just five minutes?

In and out, Rick.

You got my word for it.

In and out.

Well, here's your pillow

and blankets.

You've got

the basket and thermos.

You're all set to go.

I-- There's just one more

thing that I need.

What?

Your father.

Dad, hurry up!

You're gonna be late.

I can't find my binoculars.

I'll let you

borrow my telescope.

Oh, that'll look great.

Your father watching

the cheerleaders

with a telescope.

Rick, I saw him.

He's coming up the drive...

way.

Who?

Um, Freddy. We're gonna

do our homework together.

You need a lookout

for Freddy?

My binoculars.

Naturally, you've got them.

Uh, hold it. Hold it.

Let me get some of

this grape jelly off.

Okay, folks. Let's move.

Come on, come on.

Uh...

Wait a minute. My keys.

I can't find my car keys.

Okay, men. Fan out!

Hey, hey. I found them.

Time to go.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Now what?

Oh, heh, that's Freddy.

That's all. Heh, right on time.

Why don't you just go ahead.

Go, Jets, go!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hello.

Hello.

Hey, aren't you

Charlie Chicken?

Chicken Charlie.

[SIGHS]

Boy, a real celebrity.

I've seen

all your commercials.

♪ Yummy yum yum

Yum yum yum ♪

Well, that's very good, kid.

Here's a coupon

for a free wing.

Listen, does Harry Summers

really live here?

[CHUCKLES]

Does Harry Summers

really live here?

I asked you first.

So, uh...

how many chickens

do you k*ll a year?

Charlie, you old goat.

What are you doing

in the cold?

Come on in

where it's warm

and plush and rich.

Welcome to my

not-so-humble home.

Oh, I see you've met

my nephew Rick.

Yeah. Strange kid, Harry.

Hey, hold it.

What does this "E" stand for?

Ahem, "expensive."

Come on,

I'll show you around.

Uncle Harry, it's getting late.

You don't wanna miss

your lunch reservation.

They'll hold it

for Harry Summers.

I thought you'd end up

a two-bit moocher someplace.

If I hadn't seen this,

I never would've believed it.

Now that you've seen it,

you can be on your way.

Hey, is that for show,

or does it go?

No!

Hop on. I'll show you.

It's getting late.

You don't wanna miss lunch.

Call and postpone it for me.

What happened to in and out

in three minutes?

Relax, kid.

Who's gonna get hurt?

All aboard!

Ah.

[TRAIN BELL BLOWS]

Oh, boy.

[KATE GROANS]

Hi.

Why you home so soon?

Something wrong?

We heard on the radio

there's a thunderstorm coming.

We decided to come home,

watch the game on TV.

Well, those weathermen,

they're always wrong.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Lucky guess.

Look,

I've got a great idea.

Why don't you watch

the game in your room?

Make a little picnic out of it.

Huh? Sounds good,

doesn't it? Huh? Huh?

Yeah, it does.

Why don't we do it down here?

No! No!

No? Something wrong?

No. It's just that

it's cozier upstairs.

Come on.

Where--? Where's the train?

Oh, Uncle Harry's got it.

But he'll be back in time

to watch the game with you,

tell you more

of his great Army stories.

Let's go watch

the game upstairs.

Lucky we got derailed

so close to the house,

or else we'd be soaked.

Derailed?

I gotta hand it to you,

Harry, I'm impressed.

I thought you might be.

Well, you're back in time

to leave for lunch.

What is this kid,

a broken record?

I wanna show him

the upstairs first. Come on.

No, no, no! Wait! Wait!

You cannot go upstairs!

We've got a slight problem

with the butler and the maid.

They never went to the game.

What?

They're hanging out upstairs.

Oh. Oh, oh.

Come on, Charlie.

Let's get some lunch. Come on.

Well, it certainly was nice

to meet you, Charlie Chicken.

Chicken Charlie.

I can't wait

to tell my friends at school.

Who was that?

What? Who was what?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

EDWARD:

Somebody answer

that door, please!

Who's that?

Uh, the butler.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Why doesn't he get the door?

Good help is so hard to find.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'd like to keep

standing here,

but I'm starting to mildew.

Come in, come in, come in.

Ahem, this is Dexter Stuffins,

my, uh...

My business manager.

Your business manager?

That's right.

Congratulations, Stuffins.

I'm going to throw

all of my business your way.

It's the break I've been

waiting for all my life. Heh.

[LAUGHS]

Listen, I have

to get my briefcase.

Excuse me, please.

Oh, I'll get that for you.

All right, let's go.

[WATCH BEEPS]

Wait just a second.

I've got

a commercial on right now.

I've gotta watch it.

No, no, no, no.

EDWARD: Who was at the door?

It's me, Edward!

EDWARD: I'll be right down!

Rick!

Charlie! Charlie, why don't

you use the TV in the library?

You can hear

your "Yummy Yums" in stereo.

In stereo?

Come on, I'll show you.

Rick, what's going on in here?

I'm standing in the rain,

a door is slammed in my face,

and I'm pawned off

as the business manager

of that soldier of misfortune.

You wanna

shed some light on this?

Dad, this all started...

Edward, could I borrow

Rick for a moment?

Why not? You borrowed

everything else.

[GROANS]

Sorry about this, Dex.

[SIGHS] You're sorry?

I'm the one whose shorts

are shrinking.

Now what?

I got a little

problem here, kid.

Oh, no!

How'd this happen?

Well, I was trying to find

your father's keys

to his Ferrari,

and my hand got stuck

in this pot.

This is not a pot.

It's an antique vase

from the Manchu dynasty.

No, no! No, no, no! Please!

[IMITATING CHICKEN CLUCKING]

Please, let me.

No, no, no...

[CLUCKING CONTINUES]

Stop. Stop.

[GROANING]

Found it.

DEXTER: Thank you.

What's this, grape jelly?

Yeah, Harry seems to think

that goes good with anything.

What is going on?

The game's started.

[VASE SHATTERS]

What was that?

I don't know, but I'm on my way.

Goodbye.

Hey, Rick?

What was that crash?

What crash?

You know

that tacky, uh, white vase

with those

stupid little ducks on it?

Not the antique vase?

What are you worried about?

It's not yours.

Not ours?

Harry, I gotta hand it to you.

A swell house, a butler,

a friendly-looking maid.

You got it all, boy!

Butler?

Friendly-looking?

Well, uh, it's time for lunch.

Let's go, Charlie.

Wait a sec. Where's my hat?

I think I put it in the library.

Library.

I'll, uh...

I'll help you find it.

Hold it.

Rick, I think you have

to give us some answers.

And so does Uncle Harry.

Okay, Dad.

But try to remember,

he's a veteran.

Quit stalling.

Dad, I was helping Uncle Harry

pretend our house was his house

so he could impress

Charlie Chicken.

Charlie Chicken?

I'm really sorry, Dad.

It was supposed to be

in and out, only for a minute.

Who knew it would lead

to all this?

Don't blame yourself, kid.

It was as much my fault

as it was yours.

Rick, there's no excuse

for going along

with lies or deception,

No matter what the reason.

So I'm grounded

for two days, right?

Try two weeks.

Ooh!

And you.

This time you've gone too far,

involving Rick

in a scheme like that.

Well, what do you expect?

You give Harry Summers

something good,

something solid and real...

something filled

with warmth and love...

and sooner or later,

he'll just mess it up.

Maybe it would be better

if I packed up and left.

Oh, Uncle Harry.

How could you do this?

Well, I was...

I was trying to be a big sh*t.

Trying to pretend I had

wealth and dignity, just...

Just to impress some jerk.

Well, it's fake.

I'm a fake.

And it's cost me the love

of the only three people

I ever really cared about.

I can't find my hat nowhere.

Charlie, look here.

There's something I guess

I'd better tell you.

Shall I get your coat, sir?

What?

Your coat, sir.

Shall I get it?

You'll be late for lunch, sir.

Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

That's my hat!

What'd you do,

put it in the trash compactor?

Don't worry about it, Charlie.

I'll buy you a new one

and take it out of his wages.

Well, it was

certainly nice to meet you.

Yeah, you too, kid.

If you're lucky,

one of these days

you'll grow up to be

just like your uncle Harry.

HARRY:

I'll be right with you.

Thanks, Edward.

That took class.

I agree.

Harry, this will

never, ever happen again.

I know.

Because that's the last time

I fall for that

"warmth and love" routine.

Now, that was great, Dad,

letting Harry stay like that.

Well, under the circumstances--

But didn't you just

go along with a lie?

Yes, he did.

Well, then if I'm grounded,

you should be grounded.

Yes, he should.

But you said

you were the maid.

Yes, she did.

Well, then I guess

I'm grounded too.

Wait a minute.

We're all grounded,

and Uncle Harry's

out having a blast.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[CAR ENGINE REVVING]

That's my Ferrari!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[♪♪♪]