04x12 - Three Musketeers

[bunniefuu]

♪ Here we are ♪

♪ Face to face ♪

♪ A couple

Of silver spoons ♪

♪ Hopin' to find ♪

♪ We're two of a kind ♪

♪ Makin' a go ♪

♪ Makin' it grow ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find

Our way ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Takin' the time

Each day ♪

♪ To learn all about ♪

♪ Those things

You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons

Together ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ We're gonna find

Our way ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find

Our way ♪

♪ You and I together ♪

Come on, guys,

what's taking so long?

RICKY:

These costumes you made

for us don't look right.

Whatever the problem is,

I'm sure we can fix it.

All right, so it needs

a little...something.

We're supposed to be

the Three Musketeers.

We look like

Larry, Moe, and Curly.

[BONK]

Nyah, nyah, nyah...

You didn't believe me

when I said I couldn't sew.

Okay, now we believe you.

The hats look great.

That's because

you didn't touch them.

Let me see what

I can do. Come on.

Why don't I just

wear the French flag?

It can't fit

any worse.

Let's see

what we can do.

Hey, look at the sign!

This is real neato.

Oops. Do you

have any tape?

It's in the kitchen,

in the drawer by the sink.

Wait a minute.

Why is my name last?

Stratton, Spears,

Lippincottleman.

It's in reverse

alphabetical order.

Oh, okay.

Boy, I hope

this play works.

I thought

it wasn't for a grade.

It's for something more

important than grades.

You see,

the drama club can be

a crucial

extracurricular activity.

It can help get you

into college,

it can build

self-esteem,

and it can

get you women.

At least, it's for

a worthy cause.

You don't know

how worthy.

It's our only chance

to get into the drama club.

If we do that,

we get a sh*t at all

the beautiful actress types.

That's what I like

about you, Rick.

You dream big.

[OBJECTS SHATTER IN KITCHEN]

Doesn't it

make you nervous

that we're asking

Freddy to walk

and hold a sharp object

at the same time?

He's one of

our best friends.

This is important to him.

That's right. That's why

you're the Three Musketeers.

All for one,

and one for all. Right?

Right.

Right.

I-I-I found it.

Hello, everybody.

KATE:

Oh, hi, hon.

Oh, what a mess.

Ohh.

Heavy traffic?

Heavy, heh? Let me put it

to you this way.

Me and the guys in the cars

on either side of me

are planning a reunion

in years.

[CHUCKLES]

You'll like them.

Dad, can you show us

how to do the thing now?

What thing?

The thing,

with the sword.

Ah, the sword thing.

Sure. Why not?

I'm rested now.

Okay. Let's see now.

First, to do

the sword thing,

you have to know

a little French, you know?

En garde.

You could also

say that in English.

On guard.

The sword thing.

Ready?

Everybody watching?

Here we go.

[SWORD SWISHES]

[GRUNTS]

[EXCLAIMS]

All right.

Hah!

The Thing.

Who wants to try now?

Me! Let me!

Let me!

I can't look.

All right, Freddy.

Bend it down about so far.

All right?

When it pops up,

you catch it

by the hilt. Okay?

All right,

now wait, wait.

Okay.

Hey, hey!

Yay!

Yay!

Freddy,

that's perfect!

Thanks.

Oops. I hope that wasn't

something you liked.

Oh, no, no, no.

It looks much better

down there.

And there's

a lot more of it.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

I'll get it.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

All right, all right

all right, all right!

Heigh-ho, Eduardo!

People!

Troy, what is it?

There he is--

My son, my son.

What did I do now?

I'm so proud of you.

Eduardo, turn on

that TV.

Quick! Channel .

What is it?

What's going on?

I just got a call

at my house a few minutes ago.

Come on, Eduardo,

turn that puppy up.

ANNOUNCER:

On the domestic front,

the plight of our

nation's homeless

was the subject

of a press conference

held by speaker of the House,

Thomas "Tip" O'Neill.

This is it!

This is what?

Shh!

Two million people

in our country

have no homes.

To most of us,

they become

a faceless statistic.

But these are

human beings

whose plight

was expressed

in a touching letter

I received

from a high school

student.

Guess which student?

Way to go,

Freddy.

O'NEILL:

"Dear Mr. O'Neill,

I'm years old,

and I live in Shallow Springs,

Long Island.

I spend

a lot of time

hanging out

at the mall.

My parents like to joke

that I live there,

but the only person

that really lives there

is an old lady

named the Duchess.

During the summer,

the Duchess sleeps

in a planter box

outside the mall.

In the winter,

she huddles

in the underground parking lot

near the boiler room.

By now you've

probably guessed it.

She really

isn't a duchess.

I haven't seen her there

for a while,

and I'm worried.

Winter's coming.

Wouldn't you think,

in a country this rich,

nice old ladies

like the Duchess

wouldn't have to sleep

in the streets?

She doesn't need

that much.

Just somebody

to care enough

to give her

a place to sleep.

Is that really

too much to ask?

Sincerely,

Frederick March

Lippincottleman."

No, Frederick,

that's not asking

too much.

With youth like you

who care,

this country

will always be great.

[ALL CHEERING]

That was from

our civics assignment.

I can't believe it.

Freddy Lippincottleman,

coast to coast.

Only in America.

That was a wonderful

letter, Freddy.

It was really honest

and sincere and caring.

You must be thrilled.

Yeah! This is probably

the best thing

that's ever

happened to me since...

Since birth!

Let's hope that letter

causes people to think.

Think?

Oh, right.

The homeless thing.

It's too bad you boys

didn't make the network news.

It's easy to see where Freddy

gets his sensitivity from.

It's all in the genes.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

I'll get it.

Must be the little woman.

I left a note on our door

for Gorgeous to come over here

after the beauty parlor.

Not that she needs it.

Hi. Debbie Thompson,

New York World.

Hi.

Hi. How did it feel

to be on national TV?

It's not me you want.

You want Freddy.

How did it feel

to be on national TV?

RICKY:

"When asked how he felt about

his newfound celebrity,

the young man answered:

'This reaffirms

my faith in democracy.'"

That's not

what he said.

He said,

"This is real neato."

This is great

for Freddy, isn't it?

It's just luck.

Dumb luck.

Hey, yo, Rick.

Yo, Alfonso.

Hey, way to go,

Fred, man.

See you guys later.

Those jocks were actually

talking to you?

Uh-huh. It's been

happening all morning.

Boy, my arm's

getting so tired

from saying hello

to everyone.

You know you can say hello

without waving.

Oh, I don't want

to change

just because

I'm famous.

You're not that famous.

Oh, no? I got a call from an

agent in Hollywood, California.

He said that my story

can make a great TV movie.

They'd need an actor with a

pretty strong arm for his part.

[AS FREDDY]

Hi! Hi!

Hi!

My dad says we all get

one chance in our lifetime.

And this is his.

Oh...

Oh, man, there's

Cheryl Ann Wilson.

It should be illegal

to be that beautiful.

She's headed this way.

I told you doing The Three

Musketeers would get us women.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi, Freddy.

I saw your picture

in the paper today.

I'm sorry.

Don't be.

It's a cute picture.

I should've worked

harder on my letter.

This couldn't be

just a letter.

Her mind must be under

the control of Martians.

Uh...would you like

to come to our play?

How about going out

with me tomorrow?

We're doing

The Three Musketeers.

There's action,

adventure,

romance.

So, what do you say,

Freddy?

You busy?

Oh, I'd crawl

on my belly over cut glass

just to get close enough

for you to kick me.

That's cool.

Bye.

Incredible.

The most luscious girl

on this earth

just talked to you

with her own mouth.

I'll never wash

my ears again.

You're the first guy she's

talked to who didn't own a car.

I could really learn

to like this.

MAN:

There he is.

That's him.

Hi, Freddy.

Hi.

John Clark,

Eyewitness News.

You're right.

It is you.

Listen, we're wondering if

I could follow you around

and get some sh*ts

of your normal school day?

Oh, you mean sh*ts like him

opening his locker.

Good.

I like that.

Set up right over here.

Let's do it.

I usually open it up

with this hand.

That's also the hand

he waves hi with.

[CHUCKLES]

Listen, Freddy,

we were wondering

if you could you do

a guest sh*t

tomorrow on

Noontime New York?

Noontime New York?

Yeah.

That's a really

sophisticated show.

You bet. You'll be on

with Mayor Ed Koch

and the Bill Baird Puppets.

Oh.

I love those puppets.

I'll be there.

Good. Good.

Wait a minute,

Freddy.

Noontime New York

is on at noon.

That's when we have to do

The Three Musketeers.

Excuse me, sir.

Yeah?

Can he do the show

the day after?

He has a previous

commitment.

Wait a minute, Rick.

I can talk for myself.

I'll do the show

tomorrow.

Good. Good.

What are you doing?

Get real, Rick.

We're talking school play

versus major media exposure.

That play's very important

to Alfonso and me,

and to you too until

a few minutes ago.

That was then.

You can't live in the past.

Times changed.

I'm hot.

Okay, let's do it.

My combination won't get

on TV, will it?

Oh, no problem. We'll be on

a tight sh*t to your face.

You want your friend

in the sh*t with you?

Why?

He didn't write

the letter.

I did.

So the costume's

a little tight.

Listen, you don't

have to wear it.

Did I mention after the play,

we'd take you to a pastry shop?

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello? Larry, I'm glad

you called back.

Listen, the most fantastic

opportunity just came along.

Singing?

Whoever said anything

about singing?

No, you don't have

to wear big floppy ears.

I said musketeer,

not mouseketeer.

You have the opportunity

to play a terrific part.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

I'll get it.

[CHIMING]

Yeah, yeah.

Hold on, hold on. Uh...

Hi, Brad.

Hey, yo,

Mr. Stratton.

Oh, sorry to interrupt

your praying.

It's all right.

I was through.

I, uh,

see you're into dirt.

It's my life.

RICKY:

So, what do you think, Larry?

It's gonna be great.

Hello?

Hello?

BRAD:

Hey, yo, Rick.

Brad, how you doing?

What's the big problem?

Freddy punked out

on me.

Do you think you could learn

these lines by tomorrow?

"Hark, who goes there

in the darkness?"

That's perfect.

What projection,

what intensity, what feeling.

What bull.

We've been

through a lot,

soccer team,

campouts,

crazy Mrs. Allen's

science class.

Oh, yeah. After we

got through with her,

she decided to retire.

And she was only .

So...what do you say,

buddy?

Rick, I'd do anything

in the world for you,

but not this.

Okay.

When I've got tons of girls

hanging around,

don't come begging

for my leftovers.

You still have three swords

for two actors?

This is terrible.

Brad was my last hope.

Nobody wants

to come near this.

They smell a disaster.

Well, why don't you ask your

teacher if you can postpone it.

I already did. She said the show

must go on, no matter what.

Oh, how could

she be so mean?

Why do you think

she became a teacher?

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Heigh-ho, Kate.

Is Eduardo home?

You just

missed him.

Well, then I guess

I'll have to talk to you.

Swell. Believe me,

Eduardo will hear all about it

when he gets back.

Hi, Rick.

Freddy Lippincottleman

in our house?

What an honor.

No matter

how famous I get,

I won't forget

about my friends.

I came over to give

Eddie Toys a chance

to cash in

on Lippincottlemania.

Lippincottlemania?

Yep.

The Freddy poster.

What do you think?

Oh, I know. When I first saw it,

I was speechless too.

It really

chokes you up.

Kind of makes me gag.

Doesn't it though?

What do you think, Kate?

Tell the truth.

You really love it,

don't you?

No.

You mean yes.

I mean no.

It's tacky,

exploitive, insulting,

and in extremely

poor taste.

Well, all right.

But will it sell?

Troy, I don't think this is

something we want to get into.

Well, it's your loss.

I'll buy you coffee,

tell you about

our syndicated column,

Letters

from Freddy.

First one goes

to Gromyko.

[IMITATES SCREAMING]

Excuse me,

I have a play to put on.

Wait, can I talk to you?

Are you sure

you can spare it?

Don't you have another

interview or something?

Please,

it's important.

What is it?

I want to discuss the show.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Considering what I said

earlier today,

this is kinda difficult

for me to ask.

Hey. It's okay.

Go ahead.

Would you videotape

Noontime New York for me?

You have the nerve to ask that

after you left us in a lurch?

You're one of the most amazing

people to ever walk this planet.

I know your problem.

You're jealous.

Me, jealous of you?

You could win

the lottery,

marry Miss Universe,

become president,

and I still

wouldn't be jealous.

If you're not jealous,

can I borrow your

blue blazer for the show?

Out.

Out.

See, I knew

you were jealous.

[EXHALES WHEEZILY]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come in.

Hey, son. You about

ready for dinner?

What are you doing?

What happened to the picture

of your biology teacher?

Wanna play?

points if you hit his face.

A hundred if you hit

both of them.

You may wonder

how I figured this out,

but I think you're

a little miffed at Freddy.

Freddy's a total jerk,

a moron, an idiot.

I hate his guts.

Not good to keep

that stuff bottled up.

He let me down, Dad,

just to be on TV.

They only wanted him because

he lucked out with that letter.

We were doing him a favor

putting him in the play.

That doesn't matter

when you're a big celebrity.

There might be a little jealousy

floating around in here.

Hah. Freddy

accused me of that too.

Just because he's got

his picture's in the paper,

Cheryl Ann Wilson

asked him out,

and he's being

interviewed by reporters...

Of course

I'm jealous.

Well, jealousy can be

a healthy emotion...

in certain

primitive tribes.

You know what the real irony is?

I found Freddy in the trash.

I remember.

His scout troop

put him there.

I taught that nerd

everything.

I made excuses for him,

I let him tag along.

I was always there

when he needed me.

And he always needed me.

You think, just possibly,

you need Freddy to need you?

Now that he doesn't

need you anymore,

your need for him

to need you has...

become an even

greater...need.

I need help.

You're not kidding.

What I'm trying to say is,

possibly,

you may have gotten more from

the relationship than you think.

Like what?

For one thing,

I think you enjoy

being important to him

Now that he's doing

other things, it's hard.

Another possibility is...

Freddy's been a jerk all along,

and I just haven't seen it.

Give the jerk a break.

He's not used to handling

all this excitement.

Nobody paid that much

attention to him before.

I did.

I know you're hurt, son.

And I know you're upset.

At least try to understand

what he's going through.

[SCOFFS]

Why don't you try to understand

what I'm going through?

For example,

pretend that's

a picture of Freddy's father.

Now what

do you think...

Eduardo?

"Turn that puppy up."

[SIGHS]

Yah!

Let's try one last time

with you playing both parts.

All right.

Hark. Who goes there

in the darkness?

'Tis I, Aramis.

'Tis Aramis.

Approach

and be recognized.

Did anybody

ever tell you

you look like

the guy over here?

We're dead meat.

We're gonna be laughed

off the stage.

We'll have to go to another

school under assumed names.

Hi, guys.

Freddy.

What are you

doing here?

Why aren't you on TV

talking with the puppets?

Wait till you hear this.

I can do the show after all.

I canceled the spot

on Noontime New York.

Why?

My dad and I felt

the timing wasn't right.

I can't saturate the public

before getting a sh*t

at The Carson Show.

I can relate to that.

Can't you?

Personally, I would've

started with Donahue,

then moved up to Merv.

The good news is,

we decided doing the play

wouldn't hurt my career.

Since this is theater

and that's TV.

The bad news is,

we don't care.

All right, I'll admit it.

The reason

I'm not doing the show

is because they said

I was yesterday's news.

They bumped me for a guy

who developed a prune

the size of...a stove.

They said it was more visual.

Maybe someday,

they'll have you back

when the do a "Where are

they now?" segment.

Hi, Cheryl Ann!

What time

should I pick you up?

Oh... I forgot.

I can't go.

I promised my mom

I'd help her watch television.

Oh.

Looks like Lippincottlemania

has peaked.

This is the worst day

of my entire life,

and that's

saying a lot.

Did you read

my press clipping?

We've seen it.

Sorry. We have a show

to do in five minutes.

Yeah. We're

the two musketeers.

I know where

you can find a third

who's got the costume,

the hat, and knows the part,

kind of.

Hey.

Forget it.

Yeah. We'd rather

make fools of ourselves.

Wait a minute, guys.

I've been acting

like a real bozo lately.

You two are the best friends

I could ever have,

and I deserted you.

I don't blame you if you never

wanna speak to me again.

I'm sorry.

Ah. Well, it's

not all your fau--

No. Freddy,

you really shafted us.

Yeah. We were

counting on you.

You acted

like we didn't exist.

Know what that's like?

Every day of my life.

Let's go.

Don't say it.

I won't if you won't.

What would be

the classy thing to do?

Keep walking

and never turn back.

Then why are we stopping?

We're marshmallows.

Hark, who goes there

in the darkness?

'Tis I, Aramis.

[THUNK]

[♪♪♪]