04x19 - Movie Madness

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Here we are ♪

♪ Face to face ♪

♪ A couple

Of silver spoons ♪

♪ Hopin' to find ♪

♪ We're two of a kind ♪

♪ Makin' a go ♪

♪ Makin' it grow ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find

Our way ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Takin' the time

Each day ♪

♪ To learn all about ♪

♪ Those things

You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons

Together ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find

Our way ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find

Our way ♪

♪ We're gonna find

Our way ♪

♪ Together ♪

[KATE SQUEALING AND LAUGHING]

Ha-ha!

Ah, I win!

You got to start

cooking dinner.

You cheated.

You cheated.

You definitely,

positively cheated.

I won, I won, I won!

And now you must

prepare dinner.

Kate, you didn't win.

You cheated.

You pulled on my coat

in the driveway.

What about you? You slammed

the car door on me,

you hit me with your briefcase,

and you tripped me

coming up the stairs.

Don't change

the subject.

We're talking about you.

Start cooking dinner!

[MOCKINGLY]

Start cooking dinner.

Remember, you gotta eat

what I cook.

Hey, guys,

what's going on?

Oh, Kate is trying

for the worst sportsman

of the year award.

You guys, you're always kidding.

You're always happy.

What a pleasure it is

to be near you.

I am so lucky.

Gee, thanks, Rick.

How much?

This much.

Aah!

Let me remind you,

that is less than billionth

of percent of the gross

national product.

I got that from

my math teacher.

What's on earth do you need...

[GASPS]

...for?

This. It's a student

film contest.

The top five get

shown on television

in a primetime special.

On national TV?

Well, it's more like

Long Island TV. Channel .

But this big-time

Hollywood director,

he's doing

the judging.

Why does it cost so much money

to enter this contest?

Oh, no, no, Dad. That's how

much it'll cost to make my film.

I worked out the budget

in film class.

Why don't you just turn in

that documentary

you made on Kate's cat?

You got an A-plus.

Well, they're looking for

something more exciting

than fur balls.

Dad, this is important to me.

Film is my life.

I didn't know that.

Yes, Kate.

If I want to get anywhere,

I've got to

enter contests.

That's how

Stevie Spielberg started, Dad.

That's what you said

about Chuckie Norris

when you wanted

karate lessons.

You broke a board

in front of a girl and quit.

Dad, she's the one

that broke the board.

That's why I quit.

Well, let's not forget that

deluxe professional drum set

that we all enjoy dusting.

Dad, I know it's a lot money,

and I know I don't have

the greatest track record...

Yeah?

That's all.

I just wanted you to know

that I know that.

Could I say something?

Please.

Please.

When I was a little girl,

I begged my parents

for skating lessons,

and they told me

they couldn't spend that much,

since I'd probably quit

right away.

I was devastated.

I don't think I have ever

gotten over it.

Well, yeah, Kate, sometimes--

Every time that I go

to the Ice Capades,

and I see Snoopy

out there gliding on the ice,

I say that could have been me.

You wanted to wear

a beagle suit?

That is not the point.

The important thing

is to let him try things.

Dad, if you give me the money,

and I promise to get straight

A's for the rest of my life.

And I will never

ever, never put you

in an old folks home.

How can I refuse

an offer like that?

Edward.

All right, honey.

I'll give him

a check for...

[GASPS]

That's great, Dad.

I'm gonna go call

Brad and Alfonso.

This is so great!

Oh, what's your movie

about anyway?

Just think of Fellini

with a hint of Bergman.

A story of love, courage

and the human condition.

You can get all that

in one film?

Sure, as long as I don't

go over two minutes.

[POP MUSIC PLAYING]

I've looked over the scripts

and made a few cuts.

Now, we're down to

three main characters--

The wandering poet,

the vulnerable,

sensitive teacher,

and the disenchanted duck.

I don't know if

I'm right for the duck.

Please don't start with me,

Alfonso.

We're having enough trouble

finding someone

to play the teacher.

I don't understand

why we can't get anyone.

We're offering them a chance

to be in a movie.

Hey, look.

Jessica Winters.

You haven't

asked her yet.

Yeah, she's great.

I saw her do Romeo and Juliet

in the senior play.

No one even laughed at her.

Let's get her.

Guys, guys...

Calm down, let's not look

as desperate as we are.

Look, let me handle this.

Jessica...

Do you want

to be in a movie?

Give me a break.

No, I'm serious.

I'm making a movie.

It's gonna be on TV.

TV?

Yeah. This role,

you'd be perfect for it.

It's something you could

sink your teeth in to.

Would I get to cry?

Buckets.

Why don't you come to our table,

and we'll talk about it?

Sounds terrific.

You know Alfonso.

This is Brad.

He'll be your co-star.

[SIGHS]

Hey, babe.

Forget it.

Jessica, wait. What's wrong?

Look, Rick,

I'd love to be in your movie.

Just get rid of Brad.

I can't do that

to a friend.

No way.

Your loss.

Now what do we do?

I've gotta start sh**ting

by tomorrow.

I've been waiting

for just the right time,

and I think this is it.

Oh, uh, Cynthia.

Who's Cynthia?

Rick, you're gonna wanna kiss me

for this, but don't.

Is this schoolteacher material

or what?

I'd enroll in her class.

Are you guys

really making a movie?

Yes, we are.

Do you have

any acting experience?

No.

Well, I-I don't mean

professional, I mean anything.

High school plays?

Grammar school plays?

Christmas pageants?

Nope.

Well, gee, I'm sorry, but--

I can do great herkies, though.

Herkies?

Well, here, I'll show you.

♪ Ram-a-lama, lama-lama

Bop-de-bop ♪

♪ Ram-a-lama, lama-lama

Bop-de-bop ♪

♪ Ram-a-lama, ram-a-lama

Ho-de-ho ♪

♪ Ram-a-lama, lama-lama ♪

♪ Here come the herkies ♪

♪ Go, team, go! ♪

She's perfect.

Jessica.

By the way,

Brad, you're fired.

VOICE [ON FILM]:

No, no, not the duck!

[VOICE SOBBING]

[FILM REWINDS]

Oh, Rick, what are you doing?

It's : in the morning.

Editing

the goodbye scene.

You have

school tomorrow.

Today.

I know.

But this is when

I do my best work, Dad.

It's when I do

my best sleeping.

Please,

just a few minutes more?

Come on, son.

You're exhausted.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

You just edited your pajama

string into the film.

Very funny, Dad.

Rick,

are you going,

or do I have to carry you?

[SCOFFS]

Okay.

Okay, I'm going.

Good night, son.

Yeah, good night.

[VOICE CRYING]

No, no, not the duck!

Well...

What did you think?

Um...

Did you love it?

Well, um...

Uh... Uh...

Edward?

You first, Kate.

Well, I thought

it was, um...

different.

Really different.

Oh, that's what I was going for.

Great!

Well!

What did you think, Dad?

Uh, well, um...

Come on. Be honest, now.

Okay.

[CHUCKLES]

Well...

You know the fancy part

at the beginning?

The titles.

Yeah. I thought they were

very original.

Really?

The same with the ending.

The credits.

Yeah.

Really nice.

I agree.

Boy, what a relief.

I'm glad you liked it.

[CHUCKLES]

Ah...

Wait a minute, what about

all the stuff in between?

That, I had

some problems with.

Well, what do you mean, Dad?

What was wrong with it?

Nothing. Nothing.

I didn't

understand it.

You didn't?

I thought it was me.

What's not to understand?

It was a commentary

on man's

inhumanity to man.

I thought it was

about a duck.

Dad, that was a symbol.

I used tons of symbols.

Well, did you like the story?

Story?

Was there anything

about my film you liked?

If you think of something,

I'll be upstairs.

[GROANS]

What kind of father am I?

I couldn't even think up

a good lie to tell him.

He asked you to be honest.

Yeah, like you asked me

to be honest

about your

singing lessons.

I asked you to be honest,

not brutal.

I hope he's not too upset.

Oh, don't be silly.

He's not upset.

Well, maybe a little.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

You dropped these.

Thanks.

I guess that's what you

filmmakers call a statement.

Dad, I'm not a filmmaker

anymore.

I've decided to become

a crossing guard.

Sit up, son.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Let me tell you

a little story.

This is about the first toy

I ever invented.

[SIGHS]

Have I told you this before?

No.

But you probably thought your

toy was gonna be a huge hit.

You released it.

No one bought it,

and you weren't a hit

till your fourth try.

You sure I haven't told you?

Dad, look, no offense,

but the little stories

stopped working

a couple of years ago.

I'm not a little kid

anymore.

Could have fooled me.

Look at yourself,

a little criticism,

and you fall apart.

I can't believe you're gonna

give up because

I'm not crazy about your film?

I'm not. I'm giving up

because you're right, Dad.

It was a bad film.

It was worse than bad--

It was bogus, abstract,

boring, blech.

I wouldn't say blech.

Dad, after seeing that,

I wouldn't even trust myself

with an instamatic camera.

Come on, son, you're being hard

on yourself. You showed talent.

How about those opening credits?

I told you I liked them.

They must have been hard

to put together.

Brad did those.

Oh.

I know what I should've done.

I should have kept it

simple and short

without all the symbols.

I'll buy that.

I should have made

a classic kind of film.

After all, I'm studying

the masters--

Chaplin, Keaton,

Stallone.

I'm kidding, Dad.

Just kidding.

Well, why don't you do it.

Do what?

Make another film

for the contest.

You mean write, cast,

sh**t, and edit it

by the day

after tomorrow?

Why not?

Dad, it took me three days

to learn how

to load the camera.

Son,

winners never quit,

and quitters never win.

Well, what I mean is:

When the going gets tough,

the tough get going.

Well, what I'm trying to say is:

If at first

you don't succeed--

Dad.

How many of these

do you know?

Look, I'll help you out.

Kate'll pitch in.

So will Brad and Alfonso.

What do you say?

Well, I guess it's possible.

Come on, you're gonna have to be

more positive than that.

Okay. I'll do it.

All right!

Come on!

What do I do first?

Make out another check.

[♪♪♪]

Places, everyone.

Excuse me.

[WHISTLES]

Am I the assistant director

or not?

That is more like it.

Places, everyone.

Dad, are you ready?

Yeah, just a sec, son.

Dad, we're waiting.

Okay, just a minute.

I'll be right there.

Actors.

Okay, now,

let's do it.

Quiet!

When I yell snow,

I want you to start sprinkling.

Ready...

And action.

Cut.

Cut? Dad, I'm the only one

who's supposed to say cut.

I'm sorry, son. I know

you only have so much film,

I don't want you to waste it.

I have a great idea.

Can we save it

for the sequel, Dad?

We're running out of time.

But my idea will make

a profound statement

on the human condition, son.

It'll make your film meaningful.

Dad, I don't want it

to be meaningful.

I just want it to be fun.

Directors.

Okay. Now let's

do it for real.

Ready...

And action.

Sprinkle, sprinkle.

Sprinkle. Sprinkle.

Sprinkle.

Sprinkle, sprinkle, sprinkle.

Ah-choo!

Sprinkle,

sprinkle, sprinkle.

And cut!

That's great!

You've never done it better,

Dad. Great snow, Kate.

How did it sound, Brad?

Good.

How did it look, Fons?

Ready when you are, Rick.

[♪♪♪]

[GROANS]

And cut.

That's a wrap.

Oh. We are done?

Yep.

I don't know what we got,

but we got it.

I still think we should have

used my idea.

Dad, it's a student film.

I couldn't use your idea.

It would have looked

too professional.

[SCOFFS]

Not with that acting.

I mean, it's obvious

you're an amateur.

I mean, uh...

I have to put snow

back in the box.

You know, guys,

I can't thank you enough--

Giving up your weekend

on such short notice,

working like dogs.

You guys are

really friends.

It was our pleasure.

Yeah, don't mention it, Rick.

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]:

That was our fourth

student film.

We'll be back with our next

film after these messages.

I kinda liked that one too.

I liked the special effects.

What special effects?

Anybody can build

an Empire State Building

out of match sticks

and set it on fire.

Yeah, but how did they get

that monkey eat it?

I still think Rick's

will be much better.

I hope it's on next.

It better be.

It's the last one.

Hey, so what?

The only thing that matters is

when the going got tough,

I didn't quit.

I went on to make a film

I can be proud of.

I don't care whether

they pick mine or not.

I think he may have learned

something from all this.

Hey, look, the next film's

coming on.

Please let it be mine,

please!

ANNOUNCER:

Welcome back

to the first annual

young filmmaker's festival.

And now for our fifth

and final film.

Please, please.

An homage

to the silent film

that uniquely expresses

man's determination

to survive in a hostile

technological environment.

Too bad, Rick.

Rick, I'm sorry.

Yeah, tough break.

We are pleased

to present

Rick Stratton's

Vacant Lot.

[SQUEALS]

Wow!

Like I said, I only want

to make meaningful films.

Shh! Shh! Shh!

[FANFARE PLAYS]

[HONKS]

[UPBEAT THEME PLAYING]

[MELANCHOLY THEME PLAYING]

[OMINOUS THEME PLAYING]

[DRAMATIC THEME PLAYING]

[ALL CHEERING]

Come on, guys,

it was only a student film

shown on local

television...

In the biggest city

in the world

to millions and millions

of people!

Yeah!

Speech! Speech!

Speech!

Well, okay.

I would like to thank

the Academy for this award.

ALFONSO, BRAD, EDWARD & KATE:

No, no, not the duck!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]