05x12 - Edward Creates a Monster

[bunniefuu]

♪ Here we are ♪

♪ Face to face ♪

♪ A couple

Of silver spoons ♪

♪ Hopin' to find ♪

♪ We're two of a kind ♪

♪ Makin' a go ♪

♪ Makin' it grow ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find

Our way ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Takin' the time

Each day ♪

♪ To learn all about ♪

♪ Those things

You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons

Together ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ We're gonna find

Our way ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find

Our way ♪

♪ Together ♪

Let me tell ya, it's no fun

growing up poor,

ladies and gentlemen.

Me and my brother

had to share a tattoo.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You think that's bad?

My sister had it first.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Now I got a tattoo that says,

"I love Frank."

You've been great.

Enjoy the rest of the show.

[PIANO PLAYING UPBEAT TUNE]

You having a good time, son?

Are you kidding? You let me

pick a place for dinner.

And now this.

We're glad you're having fun.

It's not every day you make

the National Honor Society.

You keep that up, you can go

to any college you want.

Yeah, even Harvard.

He's not going to Harvard.

He's going to Yale.

What is wrong with Harvard?

For one thing--

Dad, Kate.

Dad, please be quiet.

Rick, please,

this doesn't concern you.

E-excuse me, folks.

Am I bothering you?

[CHUCKLES]

I'm sorry.

We were just...

Just talking

through my act.

Yeah.

I have a feeling

I saw the three of you

in a department store window

somewhere?

Who's the blond kid?

Is this "take a Viking

to dinner" week?

No, this is my son.

We're celebrating.

Oh, I see. Then there was

a reason to spoil my act.

Yes.

I mean, no.

We just wanted

to go someplace nice.

But we came here

instead.

Hey, buddy, let me tell you,

you're lucky you got this table

because there's

a lot of people

that would like

to get in here.

Like the health inspector.

Cute. Cute.

I got news for you, son.

The health inspector

has never been here.

Oh, you mail him

his bribes?

Fast. Fast.

He's fast.

Let me tell you.

Waitress.

I'll take their check,

and I'll double it.

Right now,

my favorite part of the evening.

Here's some music

to order drinks by.

Hit it, Mozart.

Hello, folks.

Can I join you?

My name's Jackie Wayne.

Yes, certainly.

My name's Ed Stratton.

I hope you're not

angry with us.

No.

Not at all. Are you kidding?

Gee, you were wonderful.

You came up

with a lot of funny stuff, kid.

Takes after his dad.

That's a good one too.

You know something?

You're a natural, kid.

I run a comedy workshop,

and I think

you ought to join up.

I won't be shipped overseas,

will I?

Get it?

Want some more coffee, hon?

Oh, please,

anything to help me wake up.

Did I tell you two what a great

time I had last night?

Oh, I think you might have

mentioned it or times.

We're glad

you enjoyed yourself.

I've been thinking

about what Jackie said.

You mean about the rabbi,

the minister, and the priest

in the jacuzzi?

No, I mean about Rick

being a natural.

Huh?

Yeah. It might be fun

for you to take that workshop.

Really?

You're not serious.

I am serious.

It'd be good for him,

help him gain confidence,

think on his feet.

Pick up girls.

[LAUGHS]

See, he's already sounding

like Jackie Wayne.

I think it's a great idea.

It's great you're showing

an interest,

but don't you think

you're young.

Young?!

I'm almost .

Most of the guys there

were a couple years older.

Yeah, Kate, a lot of young

people are going into comedy.

I was only a couple years older

than Rick

when I formed

my first folk group.

That wasn't comedy.

That was just music.

It wasn't just music.

We had snappy patter

between songs.

Snappy patter?

Is that what you get

when you eat bad shellfish?

I'll show you.

Where's my guitar?

Uh, in the library closet.

I think I saw it

under your Nehru jacket.

What's a Nehru jacket?

It was the height of fashion

in the s.

For about a week.

Wouldn't the workshop

interfere with school?

Not really, Kate.

It's in the afternoon

after school.

Oh.

Besides, Dad's right.

It'll be fun to try.

That's what you've always told

me to do, at least try things?

True. We've always

given you that advice.

We just never thought

you'd follow it.

Here we go.

I'll show you what I mean.

There was this song

we used to do.

It was kind of

the ultimate protest song.

We called it

"The Ultimate Protest Song."

Dad.

It protested

endangered species,

countries, wars,

flood, fire,

famine, disease,

and rude salespeople.

♪ Come along

And listen to my song ♪

♪ I promise

Not to make it very long ♪

♪ Don't you ever trust

A person over ♪

♪ They're just

Not with it ♪

♪ And their politics

Are dirty ♪

[LAUGHS]

Nobody trusted anybody over

in those days.

That's still a good rule.

Except for you two.

Oh, yeah. Let's see if I can

remember this thing.

♪ Let the rivers

Flow free ♪

♪ Let the lakes overflow ♪

♪ Let the air be clean ♪

Dad, I'm going to sign up

for that workshop, okay?

Okay, son, you do that.

I'll sing this

for Kate.

♪ Let the green

Forest grow ♪

♪ Let the poor

Be clothed ♪

♪ Let the hungry

Be fed ♪

♪ Let's put

The workers to work ♪

♪ And the tired to bed ♪

♪ Let the whales alone ♪

♪ Let the eagles soar ♪

♪ Put an end to w*r ♪

♪ And the cannons roar ♪

Everybody!

♪ Let the whales alone ♪

♪ Let the eagles soar ♪

Or you could go off stage

with one of these:

Ya-ya-ya-ya.

That always works.

There is another question

my students always ask.

They say,

"Where do you find comedy?"

Well, fun seekers,

comedy is everywhere.

You don't believe me?

Lionel, stand up.

[CHUCKLES]

Now get a load

of this sweater.

There's gotta be five minutes

of jokes right here.

What are you supposed to be

a flag

for a third world country?

Who's your tailor,

Stevie Wonder?

Tell the truth, Lionel,

did you roll a clown?

Okay, Lionel, sit down.

Thanks a lot.

You see?

Comedy is everywhere.

And don't be afraid

to use props.

Rick, do me a favor.

Hold still.

I'm going to take

your picture.

Aha!

Came out

a little fuzzy.

You see what I mean?

Comedy never sl--

Sl-- Sl--

Ah-choo!

Comedy never sleeps.

Listen, we're almost

out of time.

We just have time to recap.

Remember,

fool your audience.

Come up with

the unexpected.

Let's give it a try.

I was walking down the street,

and I slipped on a...

A banana salesman.

Good!

My friend

is in the hospital.

He got hit

in the nose with a...

Nurse.

I saw it coming, Rick,

but not bad.

Thanks.

Well, we're out of time.

g*ng, I want you to go home

and work on your routines.

And remember,

best student gets to do

a five-minute spot

on this stage

on a Saturday night

for a paying audience.

[STUDENTS MURMURING EXCITEDLY]

I thought you'd like that.

Are there any questions?

Yeah. What's it pay?

Are there

any other questions?

[♪♪♪]

That was a good dinner, hon.

You didn't eat much of it.

Well, I kind of

lost my appetite

when I opened

the refrigerator door

and saw Rick's

plastic barf.

Why couldn't he

have taken up

something less annoying,

like the drums?

It's been at it for two weeks.

He's bound to lose interest.

[SCOFFS]

Eating again?

Yeah. Tongue sandwich.

I bet you there's some cow

out there right now going...

[MOOS]

That's terrible!

Better than plastic barf.

Hey, look.

Quick impression, all right?

A mixed-up robber.

Stick me up,

and give me my wallet.

Cute.

Funny.

Hey, look!

Little orphan Annie.

Rick.

Do you mind?

We're in the middle of a game.

Yeah--

Gosh. Looks pretty bad

for you, Dad.

You know, Dad, it may look

better if you used...

these.

Don't you have

some homework you can do?

I'm doing it.

Jackie says to try out your

material every chance you get.

That's not the homework

your father was asking about.

How about math,

science, English?

Oh, you mean that stuff.

That stuff?

Just kidding, Dad.

Dad, there's something

I've been meaning to tell you.

If you hadn't encouraged me

to join that class,

I never would have done it.

so I guess I owe it all to you.

Thanks, Dad.

[BUZZES]

[SCREAMS]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

I'm ready, hon.

What took you so long?

Well, thanks to Rick,

I spent the last minutes

trying to k*ll a rubber spider.

Where is Rick?

He's still getting dressed.

Let's b*at it

out of here to work

before he tells us

another joke.

Hey, hold on.

Oh. Gosh,

we're in a hurry.

Yeah. We're late.

Wait. I want to show you

my impression

of a Russian

disc jockey.

You showed me

last night.

I did?

EDWARD: Yeah.

Kate!

Edward told me about it.

It's hysterical.

Well, thanks.

By the way, I'll be home

late for dinner.

I've got Komedy Kave

Workshop after school.

Today's class

is very important.

What is it,

rubber chicken day?

No. That was last week.

Today we're trying

our routines

for that Saturday

night sh*t.

Well, good luck, son.

Boy, I'm gonna need it.

The competition's m*rder.

I'm sure you'll do fine.

Hey, wanna hear my monologue?

Now?

Better yet, give me a lift,

I'll do my whole act.

[♪♪♪]

Anything interesting?

Junk mail...

Bills.

[PHONE RINGING]

I'll get it.

Hello.

Uh... Just a minute.

Edward.

Edward, it's Mr. Russel,

Rick's vice principal.

I'll take the extension

in the library.

Yeah, Mr. Russel,

this is Edward Stratton.

Is there a problem?

I'm afwaid so.

As I started

to tell Mrs. Stwatton,

Wichard has become

quite a pwoblem

in sevewal

of his cwasses.

What?

Well, he finds it necessawy

to comment on evewything

in a humowous mannew.

Oh, no.

His science teacher,

his histowy,

and his Engwish teacher

have all come

to me compwaining.

You see, your son's joshing

is making it vewy difficult

for them to teach.

You mean he's doing jokes

in class?

I'm afwaid so.

Now, I enjoy

a good knee swapper

as much as

the next fewwow,

but thewe's a time

and pwace for evewything.

There certainly is,

Mr. Russel.

I'm afwaid it's not just

Wichard's conduct at stake.

His gwades awe

swipping as weww.

How bad?

If it keeps up,

he wiww fall off the honor woww.

Weawwy?

I'm afwaid so.

Academia and comedy

make poor bed fewwows.

Well, I thank you

for calling me.

You have my personal guarantee

that the old Rick Stratton,

the pay-attention-in-class-

and-get-straight-As

Rick Stratton

will be in class

first thing Monday morning.

That would be tewwific.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I don't believe it.

Falling off

the honor roll.

If he's getting major boffos

in science class,

he's probably getting

mega yucks in homeroom!

[SCOFFS]

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna bring down the curtain

on the comedy kid.

Hey, Dad, Kate.

I don't think

I want to see this.

Have I got big news.

Good. 'Cause I

got big news for you.

Guess who won

a sh*t on stage tomorrow night?

I did. I did five minutes

for the class.

I k*lled, I destroyed, I maimed,

I m*nled, I massacred.

That's nice.

Well, Dad, what's your big news?

You're grounded.

[LAUGHS]

Grounded!

That's a good one,

but it needs more of a setup.

It's not a joke. It's the real

thing, from real life.

You remember real life?

Huh?

We just got a call

from your vice principal.

You weceived a phone call

fwom Mr. Wussel.

Come on.

Stop it.

It's not funny.

He tells us you're becoming

the class clown.

Dad, so I tell a few jokes.

What's the harm?

For one thing, you're denying

yourself and your classmates

an opportunity

to learn.

Okay, besides that.

He also says

your grades are slipping.

You're falling off

the honor roll.

Dad, that's not such a big deal.

Not such-- Listen, buddy.

In this house,

getting good grades

ranks right up there

with breathing.

Come on, Rick, it's your job

to get good grades

so you can get

into a good college.

Dad.

Why do I have to go

to college?

What?

Dad, Jackie Wayne never went.

You're talking about a man

who sends fan mail

to Pee Wee Herman.

But Dad, I've got

a lot of real potential.

Tomorrow night's

going to change my life.

I don't think it is, Rick.

But, Dad...

You're grounded.

[♪♪♪]

Hi, hon.

How'd you make out?

Oh, not so good.

The only movies they had left

were Chainsaw Bloodbath

and Sound of Music.

You don't want

to have nightmares again.

You're right.

We'll watch Chainsaw.

Where's Rick?

He said he was turning in.

I said fine.

That was the longest

conversation we had all day.

I guess he's upset

about the nightclub thing.

He worked so hard and all.

Think I was too rough on him?

No, no. I'm sure you did

the right thing.

I'm sure Rick

will think so too...

Someday.

I'm gonna go tell him

he can go to the club.

What?

I've suffered enough already.

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

I've seen this already.

Well, that was fast.

He's not in his room.

He's not?

He snuck out.

Do you think he went

to the nightclub?

I know he went to the nightclub.

How can you be so sure?

His window's open,

his pajamas are on the bed,

and his googly-eyes are missing.

Is it just me,

or is there, like,

a lot of static in the air?

Sounds like

a good audience, Jackie.

Yeah. You lucked out.

They're terrific.

There's no way you're gonna

do bad for this crowd.

Gee. Heh.

Gee?

I don't believe I'm introducing

a comic who says, "Gee."

You're up next, Rick.

Knock 'em dead.

Okay. How about that?

Skip Andrews!

Isn't he good?

You too can look like this.

Just shampoo your hair

in krazy-glue!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Thanks a lot.

Just great.

Don't stick your finger

in a light socket.

Listen. I've got a real treat

for you right now.

This is someone

who's very special to me.

If you like comedy, you're

really gonna love this guy.

He's new

to the Komedy Kave,

give him a big, warm reception,

will ya?

Rick Stratton!

Come on, Rick!

[PIANO PLAYING UPBEAT TUNE]

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

Okay, everyone.

I know what you're

thinking right now.

Another grizzled veteran.

I guess you could say

I'm at that difficult age,

too young for women,

too old for underoos.

Actually, you know,

I'm not that young.

I'm old enough

to remember Boy George.

You see,

I like doing this

because it gets me out of

the house and away from my dad.

I mean, my father

is so old-fashioned,

he thinks Motley Crue

is a bad night on

The Love Boat.

I'm not surprised.

This man takes his

television seriously.

He's one of those guy

that talk back to screen.

"Look out, Skipper!

Gilligan's behind the tree!"

You're the kid's old man,

aren't you?

Yeah.

He's exaggerating

that part about Gilligan.

Well, he's knocking 'em dead.

This kid could go far.

He's gone too far already.

If this doesn't work out, I can

always go back to my old job,

being a poster boy

for the rich and snobbish.

Hey, yo, I thought you

were poster boy

for the dull and deadly.

Cute. Cute.

My first heckler.

I was hoping for a human.

I was hoping for a comic.

You want to make

this world a better place?

Leave it.

You want to make this

a better show?

Get off the stage.

Hey, do you mind?

People didn't come here

to be bothered.

Ha-ha!

People didn't...

I guess they didn't come here

to be entertained, either.

Oh, yeah?

What a snappy comeback!

"Oh, yeah?"

Funny. Funny.

Yeah, um, how many people here

watch television?

I do. And you look

like one of the smurfs.

Ever notice

those TV commercials--

We could sure

use one now.

Get off the stage!

Yeah!

Well, folks...

It's way past my bedtime,

so, thanks,

and good night.

Hey!

Rick Sutton.

Come on, laugh it up.

How much did you see?

I'm sorry.

Didn't you think I was funny

about Motley Crue

and The Love Boat?

That was funny.

And that

Gilligan's Island joke,

that was a k*ller, wasn't it?

That was funny.

But, you know, maybe college

isn't such a bad idea

after all.

It would give you

insurance

against...

the unexpected.

Right.

I'm sorry

I snuck out, Dad.

I bet you are.

And seeing how I was so

painfully humiliated in public,

I assume there's no reason

for any further punishment.

Now, that's really funny.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]