05x20 - Thoroughly Modern Mildred

[bunniefuu]

♪ Here we are ♪

♪ Face to face ♪

♪ A couple

Of silver spoons ♪

♪ Hopin' to find ♪

♪ We're two of a kind ♪

♪ Makin' a go ♪

♪ Makin' it grow ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find

Our way ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Takin' the time

Each day ♪

♪ To learn all about ♪

♪ Those things

You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons

Together ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ We're gonna find

Our way ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find

Our way ♪

♪ Together ♪

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Great song.

Oh, yeah,

I like the message too--

"Rock till you bust."

[LAUGHS]

Sounds great on your stereo.

Oh, thanks.

But if you think

it sounds good over there,

you should listen to it

over here.

Oh?

Yeah, you see, my dad had

those speakers

strategically placed so that

the optimum stereo separation

converges right here...

On the couch.

Really?

Come on.

[CHUCKLES]

The middle of the couch.

That is better.

Yes, it is.

You know, Eileen, the first time

we met in chemistry,

I felt there was a certain

something between us.

You know, a kind of...

chemistry.

Then, when we started

sharing a Bunsen burner,

I felt...

How should I put this?

A sort of fire between us.

Rick?

What?

My foot's asleep.

Oh, here.

Let me help you.

Oh, that feels good.

Oh, yeah?

Is anything else asleep?

Never mind.

So, what were you saying?

Who cares?

Ahem.

Aah!

Oh, uh...

Dad, Kate, I-I--

Didn't expect

you home so soon.

Obviously.

Um, this is Eileen.

She was helping me

with my, um...

My chemistry.

Well, thanks a lot, Eileen.

I couldn't have done it

without you.

Yeah. Well, I'll see you later.

Okay.

It was nice meeting you,

Mr. and Mrs. Stratton.

Oh!

Nice meeting you.

Bye.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I've got to get

ready for grandma.

She's not due

for another hour.

Well, I'm a slow dresser. Heh.

Rick.

I don't think it was a good idea

to bring a girl here

when we weren't home.

She wasn't

up in my room.

I didn't violate that rule.

You violated

the spirit of that rule.

Yeah, but Dad, we were

just kissing.

With your shoes off?

Kate, didn't you tell me

never to put my shoes

on the furniture?

I was obeying that rule.

Well, here's a new rule.

No girls in the house

when we're not home.

Oh, Dad, come on.

That's not fair.

I'm not a kid anymore.

I'm almost years old.

That's why

there's a new rule.

[♪♪♪]

What's that?

It's a candy dish.

Grandma Mildred gave it to us

for our anniversary last year.

That's right.

First anniversary is paper,

second year is wood,

third year must be tacky.

Be nice!

As soon as grandma leaves,

I'll put it back

in the closet.

Good.

Next the things

your father gave us.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

That's her now.

Hey, I got it.

Hey, Grandma.

Oh, Rick.

[CHUCKLES]

Grandma.

Edward.

How are you?

Grandma.

Here. Let me take those.

KATE: You look wonderful!

Let's see here.

There you are. Thank you.

We're so glad to see you.

How was your flight?

Well, it was quite bumpy.

Until we got in the air.

Then it was fine.

Why don't we

go on in and relax?

Huh?

Oh, great,

but first I want you

all to meet Chester.

Where's Chester?

Chester!

Oh, God.

There's Chester.

Gosh. Come in, Chester.

I'm awfully sorry.

That's okay.

Well, I'm Edward.

How do you do?

How are ya?

Glad to know you.

And this is my granddaughter,

Kate.

How do you do?

Hi. Nice to meet you.

And this is Rick.

Hi, there.

Hi. How are you?

Say. Go out and have

a good time.

Hey, thanks.

I'll go out

and have a good time.

Well, if we're all here, why

don't we go sit down and relax?

So Grandma,

is Chester the big surprise

you wrote us about?

Yes, he is.

He's my main squeeze.

So how did

you two kids meet?

You've heard of

The Love Boat?

Oh, a cruise!

How romantic.

No. We were

watching the show.

At the Golden Hills

Country Club.

Yes. Right in

the most exciting part,

Chester whispered

in my ear:

"Let's blow this joint."

You smooth-talking devil.

So I took her out

for a pepperoni pizza.

And you've been sharing

heartburn ever since.

Yes. Heh-heh. Oh.

When I told Chester I was

going to come to New York,

he said he just couldn't bear

to be without me.

And she bought it.

You know, I haven't been

to New York in years.

I'm dying to show Mildred

some of my old haunts.

Don't say dying.

I tell you what,

we'll paint

the Big Apple red.

And it's on me.

We'll get started first thing

in the morning.

Hell, no!

Let's hit the road.

Don't you want to rest?

We can rest later.

CHESTER:

She's right!

It's time to party!

♪ They say the neon lights ♪

♪ Are bright on Broadway ♪

Aren't you coming with us?

No, thanks, Dad.

I've seen the lights

on Broadway.

Besides,

I have a date with Eileen.

Not here.

We're meeting at Burgers.

There's gonna be tons

of people there. It's Friday.

Come on, let's go!

Oh, keep your shirt on.

And you keep

your shoes on.

[TV DRONING]

Ooh!

Ha, ha.

Grandma, Chester,

where have you been?

It's after midnight.

Is that all?

Those poops

said it was late.

Are we home yet?

I don't understand it. I thought

you young people liked to dance.

Not slam dancing.

I wasn't slam dancing.

That was my trick knee.

So, Rick...

How was your date tonight?

Fantastic.

Yeah, but not

that fantastic.

Well, I, for one,

am gonna hit the sack.

Well, I think we should get

some rest too.

Rick, take grandma's

bag up to her room.

Sure, Kate.

Where should I put

Chester's bag?

You can put it in my room.

Good night.

[♪♪♪]

Don't say a word

until I get back.

Well!

Your grandma's

full of surprises.

What are we going to do?

Honey, there's nothing

you can do.

Edward,

that's my grandmother.

She bakes apple pie.

She knits.

She writes thank you notes.

Maybe Chester

should write her one.

Come on, honey.

I don't think it's anything

to get that upset about.

Yeah, but Edward,

she raised me.

She gave me my values.

Now she's spending the night

with someone she's not even

married to.

They had a very busy night.

They'll probably just sleep.

Well, I've put the lovebirds

in their room.

And they're taking

their shoes off.

So who's going to enforce

the hanky-panky rule?

This is not funny.

Well, surely,

they're not gonna be allowed

to spend the night

in the same bedroom

when I can't even

bring a girl into this house.

This is different.

Oh. So I see.

There's a double standard here.

Rick, I know that this may seem

like there's a double

standard to you.

Yes.

That's because there is.

Oh. Okay. As long as

there's a good reason.

Good night, Rick.

[CHUCKLES]

Who would have thought

my great-Grandma

would turn out

to be a swinger?

BOTH:

Good night, Rick.

♪ They say the neon lights ♪

♪ Are bright on Broadway ♪

Wonderful.

He thinks his great-Grandmother

is hot to trot.

[CHUCKLING]

Yeah.

Honey, come on.

[SIGHS]

I think it's nice that she found

a little companionship.

If Grandpa knew about this,

he'd turn over

in his grave.

I thought he was cremated.

He'll have to turn over

in his jar.

This isn't funny.

I know.

She's led a very

protected life.

Well, now she's got

Chester to protect her.

What do we know

about this man?

We know he's

a hell of a slam dancer.

He could be filling her head

with all kinds of lies.

He could be a love 'em

and leave 'em kind of a guy.

Chester?

I've seen this type before.

You know, shifty eyes,

tight-lipped smile.

Honey, he's trying

to keep his teeth in.

Edward,

I'm worried about her.

This goes against everything

she ever stood for.

I think it's time

for a talk with Chester.

We need to know

his intentions.

If you feel

that strongly about it,

you go right ahead

and have a talk with him.

Actually, I'd feel better

if you had a talk with him.

Me?

Well, you know, man to man.

Honey, you're much better

at man-to-man talks than me.

I'm serious, Edward.

Please. Hmm?

Do it for me. Please.

Pretty good at woman-to-man

talks too, eh?

Oh, okay.

Hey, morning, Dad.

Hey, boy.

So have the lovebirds

come down yet?

No.

No?

After all,

they had a pretty busy night.

[CHUCKLING]

Yeah, I bet.

I meant all the dancing.

Yeah, sure.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Oh, Chester, we thought

you were still in bed.

At : in the morning?

The whole day

would be gone.

I was just taking a nice walk

around the grounds.

Ah.

Rick, why don't you see

how Kate's doing

with breakfast.

What for? She does fine.

Why don't you see

if she needs some help.

Dad, she'll only kick me out.

Rick?

Yeah?

Get out of here.

I'm leaving.

I'm leaving.

Chester, please sit down.

Thank you.

You know, Chester...

[SIGHS]

...Kate's kind of worried

about her grandmother.

What's she worried about?

Well, what kind of plans

do you and Mildred have?

Well, we plan on

an early lunch,

and then tonight,

maybe we'll see a movie.

No, I mean long-range.

Listen, at our age,

that is long-range.

Seriously now, do you have plans

to settle down...

Tie the knot...

Get hitched?

You mean are we

going to get married?

You could put it that way.

I'd love to,

but she won't have me.

What do you mean

she won't have you?

I've asked her to marry me

plenty of times.

She says no?

I even got down

on my knees and begged.

Took me half an hour

to get up.

Oh, you're

exaggerating, Rick.

I'm sure your father

didn't chase you out of there.

Uh, Rick, go get the paper.

Dad, you already got the paper.

Then wait

for tomorrow's edition.

If you want to talk to Kate,

just say so.

Rick.

It would take me

seconds to get the paper.

I'd be back here.

You'd give me some--

Rick. Get out of here.

I'm gone. I'm gone.

Edward, did you have

your man-to-man talk?

I spoke with Chester.

Yeah. And?

And your grandmother's

a party animal.

What?

Chester's asked her

several times to marry him.

She keeps saying no.

That doesn't make sense.

That doesn't sound

like my grandmother.

That doesn't sound

like any grandmother.

[TV DRONING]

Body slam!

Body slam!

That's it!

Crush him!

Grandma, I didn't know

you liked wrestling.

Well, I didn't until Chester

turned me on to it.

That's nice.

Sounds like he's opening

new horizons for you.

Oh, yeah. I'll say.

It's also nice to see you

have companionship.

Thank you, dear.

That's sweet.

Well, we all need

companionship.

Oh, you are so right.

You know, for years

it's a house full of relatives,

children, and grandchildren.

All of a sudden, they're

all grown up, and they leave.

Yeah.

Then you and grandpa

were all alone.

Yes.

Then grandpa d*ed.

Yeah. He went so fast.

He did everything fast.

But your grandpa and I

shared some

wonderful times together,

and then when he was gone,

there was nothing.

There was just nothing for me

until Chester came along.

Well, you know,

we like Chester a lot.

A whole lot.

What's not to like?

That man is a hunk.

Well, I just brought it up

in case you're worried.

Or wanted to know.

We love Chester.

Me too.

You do?

Oh, so, you love him,

and I get the feeling

he might have strong

feelings for you too.

Yeah. Could be.

Oh. Do I hear bells?

Yes. That's the end

of the match.

No, Grandma,

I-I was talking about

wedding bells.

So that's what this

is all about, is it?

I was wondering when

you'd bring that up.

I hope you don't

think I was prying.

What would you call it?

Well, I, uh...

Prying.

Look, Kate, what Chester and I

do is our own concern

and nobody else's.

I'll thank you

to mind your own business.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Grandma, I thought you were

watching wrestling.

I was.

What's wrong?

Is "k*ller" Kelly losing?

No, I'm getting sick of people

telling me what to do.

Yeah. Tell me about it.

She doesn't think

I know what I'm doing,

like I'm a child or something.

[CHUCKLES]

I know the feeling.

Who are we talking about?

Kate. Telling me

I ought to marry Chester.

Not that I don't like Chester

or anything.

I like him a lot.

It's just that marriage is

something you don't rush into.

[SCOFFS]

That's what I keep

telling Eileen.

You know,

it's been three years

since my Henry d*ed,

and I'm still not over it.

Sometimes it seems like

Henry's still with me.

Did Henry ever meet Chester?

No. I don't believe

he ever did.

Why do you ask?

No reason.

I'll bet you

he would've liked him.

Yes, I think you're right.

Henry would've liked Chester.

I guess we

got everything.

Edward, Mildred and I

sure did have a good time.

I wouldn't mention

that to Kate.

I want to thank you

for your hospitality.

You get out to Ohio,

I'll return the favor.

Of course,

Springfield's a little tame

compared to the Big Apple.

I'll bet it has

a lot to offer.

Not really.

But whenever

we get in the mood

to have a real wild time

in the big city,

we just hop in the car

and tool on up to Akron.

Oh, Grandma.

Is it that time already?

I'm afraid so, dear,

but before I go--

I've got to

tell you something.

Yesterday, I was way, way,

way out of line.

Well, maybe we both were.

But honey--

Please. Let me finish.

What you do with your life

is your business,

and no one else's.

Kate.

I never should have

opened my mouth.

We're getting married.

And not only that--

You're getting married?

As soon as we get back home.

Oh! That's wonderful!

I am so happy for you!

Thank you.

Well, what happened?

What changed your mind?

Something I said, huh?

No.

Actually, it was

something Rick said.

But you got me started.

I realized I wasn't

standing in the way

as much as

your grandfather was.

Oh?

I just couldn't see Chester

and me living in the same house

with all those memories.

Oh. So, what happened?

We're buying a condo.

Oh!

Come on, sweet cakes,

we'll miss our plane.

Ok, honey lamb.

Kate, guess what

Chester just told me.

Yeah! Grandma and Chester

are getting married!

Lucky guess.

What's this about

getting married?

Rick, your--

Uh...

Let me tell him.

Chester and I

are getting married.

You don't have to, do you?

Great, Grandma!

Yes, it is.

But just in case you learned

the wrong lesson from this...

If I ever hear of you

living with a girl

and not being married,

you'd better be ,

or I'll come back

and take you over my knee.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Rick.

Goodbye, Grandma.

Goodbye.

Oh, Grandma.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]