05x22 - Educating Rick

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Here we are, face to face ♪

♪ A couple of silver spoons ♪

♪ Hopin' to find

We're two of a kind ♪

♪ Making a go

Making it grow ♪

♪ Together

We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together

Taking the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all about ♪

♪ Those things

You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons together ♪

♪ You and I... ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I... ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together ♪

[♪♪♪]

Miami.

Sure looks beautiful,

huh?

Look at the color

of that water.

Look at

that beach.

Look at

those bikinis.

[EXHALES]

What a great college.

And I can just picture us

lying on the beach

all semester long.

Yeah. I look so good

with a tan.

Me too.

Alfonso, are you sure you can't

go to a college with us?

Yeah.

I wish I could,

but my Uncle Dexter says

[IMITATES DEXTER]

"It's Harvard or nothing.

Disgusting."

Bummer. All you can get there

is a good education.

Well, all this fun in the sun

is kinda making me thirsty.

I'm gonna get us some Cokes.

Hey, you want anything, Fons?

[IN NORMAL VOICE]

Pfft. How about a new uncle?

Hey, hey, bud.

How goes the college search?

Make any decisions?

Well, we narrowed it down

to Hawaii and Miami.

You know, Rick, you might

want to consider a college

that has a little more to offer

than luaus and surfing.

Dad, wait a minute.

All through high school,

you told me

to get good grades.

That way, I'd go

into college and have fun.

Well, yeah, there's nothing

wrong with having fun.

Good. And besides, Dad,

didn't you tell me

I could pick

my own college?

Well, yeah, but that's when

I thought you were gonna pick

Whitley College.

Oh. Dad, not this again.

Whitley is the dullest school

on the East Coast.

It's an all-male college.

What's the matter

with an all-male college?

It's a fine school,

Rick.

Now, I'm not

asking you to sign up

without

checking it out.

Come on. They're having

an open house next weekend.

You can go up there

for a couple of days,

look the place over.

[SIGHS]

No, thanks, Dad.

Rick, if you go

to Whitley,

you're gonna be better

prepared for your future.

[GROANS SOFTLY]

You'll make friends you'll have

the rest of your life.

You'll be better able

to take advantage

of your full potential.

[GROANS]

And...

...you'll be driving

around campus...

...in this.

A Porsche!

You get into Whitley,

you get into this.

Well, y-- You know--

You know, Dad,

I-I've always wanted to

realize my full potential.

[CHUCKLES]

Gosh, you're getting smarter

already, aren't you?

Yeah.

Hey, uh, Dad,

let me have

that brochure on Whitley.

Oh, sure.

I'm just gonna show it to Brad.

Oh, of course, I understand.

And Rick, remember...

[IMITATES CAR SPEEDING]

Edward Stratton.

You offered Rick a Porsche

to go to Whitley?

Well, honey, I...

That's a bribe!

Kate, it's not a bribe!

It's an inducement.

It's an incentive.

Okay, it's a bribe.

I thought we agreed

to encourage Rick

to pick

his own school.

Yeah,

and he was picking schools

where the only majors

they have

are volleyball and chugalug.

You're exaggerating.

Oh, honey, I don't want him

to waste his years at college

the way I did.

Out every night,

chasing after women, heh.

You wouldn't believe

some of the things I did.

Like what?

I don't remember.

Oh, boy. Look at that time, huh.

I've got to, uh...

KATE:

Oh, no, you don't! You're

not getting off that easy!

Come on now.

Who wants to go to

Whitley College?

I'd rather get a rash.

Brad, we have to be

adult about this.

I mean, don't you want to

realize your full potential?

Hey, if you guys

go to Whitley,

you won't be too far

from Harvard.

He's right. And Harvard

has a lot of pretty girls.

Yeah, but all of them

are smart,

and my stuff doesn't work

on smart girls.

[♪♪♪]

Uh, now, did you--

Did you pack a toothbrush?

Yes, Kate.

Extra underwear?

Why? He's only gonna

be here for two days.

Okay, maybe we should

get a motel room nearby--

Kate,

you can't stay.

Do you see any other

parents around here?

He's right, honey.

Let's go.

Oh. Okay.

Well,

be careful, Rick.

I will, Kate.

Nothing is gonna happen.

[SCOFFS]

You can count on it.

Goodbye, Rick.

Goodbye, Brad.

Well, see you, Dad.

See you, son.

Now this is

a good college,

and I want you to make

a good impression, huh?

And remember:

[IMITATES CAR SPEEDING]

[CHUCKLES]

I can't believe I let you

talk me into coming here.

This place looks like

a breeding ground for nerds.

Oh, come on, Brad.

This place isn't that bad.

Hi. Isn't this place

splendid?

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen, may I have

your attention, please?

Hello. I'm Dean Stockwell,

and I'd like to welcome you

to Whitley College.

I'm sure you're all going

to enjoy this special weekend.

This is an opportunity

for you to look us over,

and for us

to look you over.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Any question?

Yes.

Yeah. Uh, where are

all the girls?

[ALL LAUGHING]

I'm sorry, but this is

an all-male school.

However,

we do have women attending

the all-girls school

down the street,

Mount Saint Ignatius.

Are there

any other questions?

Yes?

How far down the street?

About a mile.

Any other questions?

Yes?

Are any of them

worth walking a mile for?

Since there doesn't seem

to be any other questions,

I'm going to turn you over

to our resident advisor

in the dorm, Charles Bitterman.

[APPLAUDING]

Gentlemen. Gentlemen.

Gentlemen. Just...

Just a few rules

for the weekend.

First of all,

we will all eat together

in the campus cafeteria.

Second, the dorms will be

locked at precisely p.m.

And third, we will have

an orientation meeting

tomorrow morning at

a.m. sharp.

Now, are there

any more questions?

Yeah.

Do you hang a left or a right

to get to Mount Saint Ignatius?

[♪♪♪]

So, what happened

to your friend, Rick?

He didn't have dinner

with us.

Um, I-I really don't know.

He kinda disappeared

halfway through

the tour of the library.

Ooh, don't tell me he missed

the card catalog lecture.

It was

so stimulating.

[RICK SIGHS]

So, Rick, why don't you

come up to our place

to watch a PBS special?

[NASALLY]

Gee, guys,

I'm kind of bushed, you know.

I'm just gonna take a shower

and go to bed.

BOY:

Oh...

Well, okay. We'll tell you

about it tomorrow.

Yeah.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]

Thanks, guys, heh.

Goodbye.

BOTH: Bye.

Why am I here?

[CHUCKLES]

Now I remember.

[SIGHS]

Uh, come on in, guys.

Well, this is it.

Home sweet home.

Whoa!

So this is what

a Whitley room looks like.

You mean you've never

been here before?

I was under

the bleachers once.

Really?

Hey, guys.

Girls!

Told you

he was bright.

Ah!

Bonnie, Sherry,

this is Rick.

BOTH:

Hi.

Hello.

Are you nuts, Brad?

You know the rules.

No women are allowed.

Wow.

I think you're cute.

Oh, yeah?

Ooh!

I like your towel.

Bonnie and Sherry go to school

down the street.

Ah, so, you girls go to

Mount Saint Ignatius, huh?

No way!

They're from LBC.

Ah, LBC.

What school is that?

Larry's Beauty College.

Ah.

Larry's Beauty College?

Yeah.

We get a degree

in six easy weeks.

Yeah, they gave me

a free shampoo.

Smell.

I don't wanna smell.

Hey, we could give you

a freebie too.

[CHUCKLES]

Uh, no... No, thanks.

Brad, come here.

Brad, we're gonna get

into trouble.

Yeah.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

I just want to make sure

you fellas are...

Women.

In your dorm room?

You guys better have

a good explanation for this.

Hey, you want

a good explanation?

Well, you'll get

a good explanation.

Good.

Tell him, Rick.

[♪♪♪]

Um...

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Um...

Yeah, you see,

these girls here

were-were taking orders

for Girl Scout Cookies.

[CHUCKLES]

Girl Scout Cookies.

Now, come on, fellas.

You don't expect me to believe

that story, do you?

I mean, after all,

what do I look like?

Don't say it.

All right, look,

how about this?

Come on, Brad.

We've been caught.

I mean, look,

we're men enough

to own up to the truth,

aren't we?

You're right.

They're our wives.

No, no, no.

C-come on, come on,

come on, fellas.

You got your chips.

You got your dips.

You got your cold drinks here.

You guys

are having a party.

Well--

No, no, no, no--

That's right, and you've

got everything here

except the music.

I'll go get my stereo.

Who would have ever figured him

to be a human being?

Hey, you want us

to call a girlfriend?

Hey,

why stop at one?

Okay!

Hi, Charles says

you're having a...

Oh, my goodness.

Hi. What's your name?

Uh...

Spencer.

Oh.

Well, Spence,

the party hasn't started yet,

but while we're waiting,

I could give you a freebie.

Oh, my goodness.

[♪♪♪]

So do you think Rick will like

Whitley enough to apply?

Of course he will.

Wouldn't you,

if your father bribed you

with a brand new Porsche?

You bribed him with

a Porsche?

Well, I...

Edward, that's terrible.

I hope Alfonso

doesn't find out.

All I promised him

was a Mazda.

Listen to you two!

Do you realize

what you're doing?

Honey, he's got to go

to college for four years.

Why not a good one

like Whitley?

Well, for one thing,

it's an all-men's college.

I mean, that is not

the kind of school

for a boy like Rick.

I mean, I could just see him

up there this weekend,

moping around,

having a miserable time.

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

♪ All the old paintings

On the tombs ♪

♪ They do the sand dance

Don't you know? ♪

♪ If they move too quick ♪

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

♪ They're falling down

Like a domino ♪

Uh... Just-just--

Just one second.

♪ By the Nile

They got the money... ♪

Hey, guy,

come on in here.

Here you go.

Hello, my name is

Rick Stratton,

and this is...

[CLEARS THROAT]

...everybody.

♪ ...way-oh

Oh-way-oh-ay-oh ♪

All right,

send up another one!

Wait, is this music too, um,

you know, fast

for anyone else?

ALL:

Yeah!

All right.

[MUSIC STOPS]

[CHUCKLES]

[SLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

Now, where were we?

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

[SIGHS]

Yello.

Hey, Rick!

Dad.

Dad!

Hello, Dad.

Wh-what a surprise.

Yeah, well, we were just sitting

around, talking about you,

and kinda wondering

how you're doing.

Oh, Dad,

I'm doing just fine.

So you think

you can get anything

out of going to

that college?

Oh. Oh, yeah, Dad.

Without even half trying.

Well, good. Here.

Now, Kate wants to say hi.

Hi, Rick.

Now, tell me

the truth.

Does it bother you that

there aren't any girls around?

Not a bit, Kate.

KATE:

Oh. So, they're

keeping you pretty busy.

Oh, sure. I...

I've got my hands full, Kate.

Well, you do sound tired.

You better get right to bed.

Hello?

Did you drop the phone?

Oh. All right.

Uh, goodnight, Rick.

All right. I admit it.

He sounded happy.

Good.

I hope Alfonso's

college experience

is as much

a turn-on as Rick's.

Now, where were we?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Who is it?

DEAN STOCKWELL:

Dean Stockwell.

Oh, it can't be

Dean Stockwell.

Charles says it can't be

Dean Stockwell.

DEAN STOCKWELL:

It is.

I just come by

for a little visit.

[MUSIC STOPS]

Oh, great.

Just great.

[RICK CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Hello, sir.

Hello, Richard.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Well, sir, what-what-what

can I do for ya?

Well, I'd like to come in.

Have a little chat.

[STAMMERING]

You know, my room

is such a mess.

Oh, I've seen messes before,

heh, heh.

Not like this one.

Well, the whole purpose

of this weekend

is for us to get to know

one another.

[CHUCKLES]

CHARLES:

You can take my word for it,

the faculty will be with you

every step of the way.

And then

in our senior year,

you see, things get

really exciting.

It's just like

one exam after another.

Oh! Well, hello, there,

Dean Stockwell.

I was just giving

the potential students here

a little rundown on academic

life here at Whitley College.

Excellent!

Well, oh, my, my,

would you look at that time.

I guess

I'd better get going.

Yeah. Me too.

Ditto!

Well, sit down, Richard.

Let's talk.

Okay.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[GIRL MOANS]

What was that?

Um... I-I-I just said...

[YAWNS LOUDLY]

Man, I'm bushed, heh.

You know, walking around

this great, big campus

of yours, heh.

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, well, I'm glad you like it.

Did you know

our campus was designed

by Thomas Jefferson?

[GASPS]

Really? That is interesting.

Rick, isn't that interesting?

Oh, that's immensely

interesting, sir.

Oh, yes. The history of this

campus is a fascinating story.

The original surveying

was done by

George Washington himself

back in .

Now, the property

had been purchased

from the Seneca Indians

for something considerably...

...less than today's

market prices.

[CHUCKLES]

Now, the campus buildings

were erected in ,

except for this new building,

which was built in --

[WINDOW THUDS]

What was that?

[BLOWS AIR]

Well, it's just

so chilly in here,

I decided

to close the window.

Oh, good idea.

We've been having problems

because of open windows.

Oh, do you mean burglars?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Nothing like that.

There's so much ivy climbing

the walls

that we've been having problems

with mice.

[GIRLS SHRIEKING]

[SHRIEKS]

[♪♪♪]

What happened?

What happened?

Let him tell you

what happened.

Rick,

what happened?

Tell her.

Go on, tell her.

Kate--

I'll tell you what happened.

He got kicked out

of Whitley College.

How could you get kicked out

of college before you get in?

Tell her. Go on, tell her.

How could you get kicked out?

Well--

I'll tell you

how he got kicked out.

He had girls

in his dorm room.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

He had

a golden opportunity

to attend one of the best

universities in this country,

and he blew it.

He let Whitley College down.

You let us down.

You let yourself down.

Does this mean

I don't get the Porsche?

Uh, Edward, uh, I think

you're being unrealistic

to expect Rick to spend

four years in some monastery.

She's got a point, Dad.

Yeah. And Rick,

you're being unrealistic,

thinking you can spend four

years in some party school.

She's got a point,

Rick.

But there has got to be

a compromise.

Now, Rick will

pick out a school

that offers

a good education

and offers

some occasional fun.

Right?

Sounds fair.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

All right,

and I'll tell you what,

you do get yourself

into a college

that has a more

well-rounded curriculum,

and it's within

driving distance...

Yeah?

You've got yourself a nice,

used Chevy.

[IMITATES ENGINE

WHIRRING AND SPUTTERING]

[LAUGHS]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]