04x08 - Caves

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Boims,
what are you doing here?

What's up, Mariner?

Yeah, I've got a
research mission to go on.

Really? So do I.

Oh, awesome. I feel like,
since we got promoted,

we never get paired up anymore.

Ah!

No way!

You guys are
on the away team, too?

Aah! It's a Beta shift reunion!

Yes. Oh, it's been too long.

This is gonna be great.
What's the mish?

Researching moss in a cave.

What?
A cave?

- No.
- Yes! It'll be fun.

I hate ca...

...aves.

Ugh. Stupid cave mission.

I feel like I've been
in this cave a hundred times.

Huh. Caves do all kind of
look the same, don't they?

Yeah, 'cause they're all made by

- soluble minerals!
- Soluble minerals!

Ugh.

This moss is even less osmotic
than I thought it would be.

So thrilling.
Yeah, okay, let's hurry it up.

Nothing good ever comes
from a cave mission.

I like a good cave...

The flat
floors, the weird smell.

Cavey.

What? They're always full
of creepy creatures,

and sometimes,
you get stuck under rubble.

It feels like a third of all
our missions are in caves.

Come on.
They're so peaceful, and quiet,

and just the right amount
of moist.

Away team, get out of there.

We're detecting tremors.
Hold tight.

Try to get a signal.

Ah, yes. So peaceful.

Stupid cave mission.

- Everyone okay?
- Yup.

- Yeah.
- Trapped in a cave

with no way to communicate.

Wow, what a surprise.

Can't wait to find out
what's lurking around.

Any, uh,
unspeakable evils in here?

Can we just... can we
skip past the waiting

and just att*ck us now?

Will you stop it?
I'll just call for an evac.

Bunch of rocks always beats

centuries
of technological progress.

Whoa.
You see that?

The moss reacted
to your little tantrum.

- Not a tantrum.
- Guess I don't need this.

Well, the entrance is blocked.

A phaser blast could bring
the entire place down.

No natural stairs
or hidden passageways

from secret societies.

Yeah, we're boxed in.

Guys, I think
the moss is following me?

Aw. It's probably just naturally
drawn to your body heat,

like it's looking
for a warm hug.

- Aah!
- Aah! Not a hug.

It's eating my boot!

It's carnivorous moss?
Are you kidding me?

So, okay, you want your
"I told you so's"

one at a time or all at once?

At the rate it's growing,
we only have a couple of hours.

We've all been
stuck in caves before.

One of us has to know
a way out of this.

Oh, yeah. Like the time
we all got stuck together

right after that
rage virus outbreak on the ship.

The power was fluctuating,

- and...
- Tendi, I love you,

but that wasn't a
cave, it was a turbolift.

Totally different type of thing
to get trapped in.

- Right. Sorry.
- Wait.

I just got stuck in a cave
with Lieutenant Levy

and we used gammanite to boost
our comm badge distress call.

Levy.
Ugh.

One of the worst guys
to get stuck in a cave with.

Did he go on and on
about his conspiracies?

Oh, yeah.

It started as a regular
dilithium survey,

but then an ion storm
blew in out of nowhere.

Nowhere. Nowhere.

Oh, man. That was close.

- Ooh.
- Damn it.

The storm must be interfering
with comms.

Oh, really? You know why
they don't make comms

that can't be interfered with?

The technology
isn't advanced enough to...

Because of what
they don't want us to hear.

Sure, Levy. Whatever.

We need
to find a way out of here.

Oh, can't we just wait
for the storm to pass?

Yeah, right.
They can last years.

Did you read the briefing?

Uh, I'd rather take in the
mission with my own two eyes.

Once I beam down,
make my own conclusions.

- Something's in here with us.
- Yeah.

Pretty convenient storm.

This has Vendorian
written all over it.

What? Vendor Prime's
in the Beta Quadrant.

There's no reason
for Vendorians to be here.

That's what
they want you to think.

They're shapeshifters.

Trust me, Vendorians
are setting us up.

I'm picking up

a faint energy signal.

It could be a way out.

What are you doing?

Checking the energy source?

That's exactly what
the Vendorians want us to do.

There are no Vendorians, man.

And just because
they sound scary doesn't mean

you should believe
that stereotype.

Being controversial

is what makes them so good
at tricking their prey.

Fine.

Wait here then.

Yeah, right. That would play
right into their tentacles.

Whoa. Someone must have
abandoned this

on a previous away mission.

All-terrain treads, partial
charge and ionic shielding?

Yes! We can use this
to get to the shuttle.

It's our ticket out of here.

Huh. Only one seat, though.

One of us will have
to stay behind.

Out of the way, Boimler.

What are you doing?
Aah!

What the, Levy?
Now we're trapped.

There's a dream vehicle,

just sitting in the
middle of a cavern,

with only one seat?

Yeah, that's a classic
Vendorian morality test.

Ugh. Vendorians don't care
about human morality.

Look, I know you're some
outside-the-box math genius,

but do you ever wonder
why you've been stuck

at the same rank
for, like, a decade?

No wild, unfounded theories
on that? Huh?

Well, it's because
you're insufferable.

Wolf was a tragedy,

Q exists,
Picard isn't some hologram,

and Voyager's EMH is!

Do you know who benefits

from us being
stuck in this cave?

Everyone! Because they

don't have to deal with you.

I... I just want help.

Your cruelty displeases us.

You have failed
our morality test.

- Aah! Vendorians.
- Whoa! No way!

I-I... I knew it.

Please let us go.

I thought you were just
a paranoid anxiety

made up by people
who needed an imagined enemy

to simulate order
on unrelated disasters

so life doesn't feel
so random and chaotic!

Ha! That is what
we wanted you to think.

Rather than work together
to escape,

you have chosen
to denigrate and bicker.

- You shall be punished.
- Uh,

I-I'm already feeling
pretty punished.

They're gonna tie us together
face-to-face

and lay brood pods in our necks

so we have to look
at each other in the eye

while their young burst
out of our chests.

You know of our customs?

Oh, yeah. Uh,
Levy's a huge Vendorian fan.

Well, I-I wouldn't
call myself a fan.

I mean,

I do love all the lurking,

the brood podding,
the flappy arms.

Wow. Most people find us
preachy and unsettling.

How do you have such knowledge?

Oh, I'm on a couple
of subspace forums

where like-minded people
make up...

I mean, uh... I mean
that we share information.

Subor, go find Tarmax.

He would get a kick out of this.

What else have you heard
about us?

Oh, tons.
I mean, where to start?

Oh! Obelisks, right?

So, whenever
we find a mysterious...

off about how you guys
falsified data

that going warp speed
damages subspace.

Your knowledge is artfully mixed
with hyperbole and fiction.

We did not, as you put it,

"do the Klingon civil w*r."

Mmm.

Agree to disagree.

But I got to say, after sharing
these delicious crickets,

you don't seem as dangerous
as everyone says.

We do lay brood pods in throats.

Right.
I mean, besides that.

Well, Levy, you're still a
crackpot with dangerous beliefs,

but I guess
I've learned not to...

I don't know... yell at you?
I don't know.

Oh, I'm glad we're pals,
too, Boimler.

- Ah, I wouldn't say we're...
- Huzzah!

Enemies have become friends.

What? No, not what I said.

Our morality gambit worked.

Vendorians.

Yeah.

So, the Vendorians ended up
setting us free.

They even taught me
how to use gammanite

to boost my comm signal

so the Cerritos
could beam us out of there.

Ugh. This isn't working.

Also, I can't believe
you bonded with Levy.

Power of caves.

They can make you
friends with jerks.

Aw, Steve's not so bad.

He just wants everything
to be special.

We've actually hung out
in the holodeck a few times.

What?
Like, without us?

- It's not a big deal.
- Sure.

Yeah, hang out with a guy
who thinks

we'rein the evil
mirror universe.

Sometimes being stuck together

can result in surprising
conversations.

You know, like that time
when we all got trapped,

- in that turbolift.
- Tends, that wasn't a cave.

We need ideas on how
to get out of this sitch.

Uh, guys,
I think we need to hurry.

Way to waste bones.

Dumb moss.

- Did you find gammanite?
- No.

But there's traces
of trigammanite.

Which would have
a similar effect.

We'd have to find a way
to separate it

- from the rock, though.
- Quick, Boimler,

- take off your pants.
- On it.

Wow, you just
straight-up did that,

- no questions asked, huh?
- We're roommates.

The fiber should weaken
the phaser beam just enough.

Mariner, fire at the wall so
it reflects through the pants.

Probably could've used
my jacket, but...

Voilà!

Now we just have to
do the delicate work

of separating the trigammanite.

How'd you know how to do that?

Oh, I guess I learned how
to solve problems like that

when Dr. T'Ana and I
were trapped

in that cave with our kid.

I'm sorry.

- Your what?!
- Oh, yeah.

I had a cave baby with Dr. T.

Did I not tell you guys
about that?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you sure did.

No, you didn't tell us!

It was a few weeks back,

when Billups
came down with Porgian swamp rash.

I got assigned to go with Doc

to gather some medicinal ferns
on Balkus .

Nine. Nine. Nine.

The ferns are in this alcove
over here, Doctor.

Good. Can't replicate
molecular fungo-cites

and they're the only thing
that cures swamp rash.

It has been an honor
guiding you.

I take great pleasure
in gaining your knowledge

- and sharing mine.
- Whatever.

The ferns are just
under the surface of the water.

Uh, Doc,

I'm picking up
some strange vibrations.

Maybe we should get out
of this cave?

No. No need to worry.

This grotto hasn't been home
to the Grafflax for generations.

The what-what now?

It's a large creature
that eats brains

and many think it was a myth...

Aah!

Oh.
That thing was nasty.

- Whoa.
- Oh.

I am dying.

Don't move.
We'll stabilize you.

This body is gone.

I must transfer to a new one.

Dr. T will help you.
Just stay awake.

Her effort is not needed.

I we simply procreate
my base mind via dermal contact.

- What did you do?
- Nothing.

Well, she's gone.

I-I'm sorry. I didn't...

Oh. I don't feel so good, Doc.

Yeah, that makes sense.
You're pregnant.

Aah!

But we just touched skin.

Well, yeah.

These gals procreate
by dermal contact.

They transfer their
consciousness into a protein mass

that grows into a baby
version of themselves,

in seconds.

There's a lot going on here
I'm not comfortable with.

You'll be saying that
a lot more soon enough.

Lie down, bite on this.

What? I'm not gonna bite a shoe.
Aah!

Okay. There we go.

Hold this thing
while I close you up.

Come on.
Would you just open up?

What happened?

You gave birth to a clone baby,

and we're lost in a cave system
without a guide.

Huh. So that wasn't
a traumatic hallucination.

Afraid not.

Catch.

See if you can get it to eat.

Damn thing doesn't
know what's good for...

Oh, someone was hungry.

- Slow down. It's okay.
- Huh. Okay.

Anyway, priority one
is protecting little Thusa

from being k*lled
by the Grafflax again.

We wouldn't want that,
now, would we?

No, we wouldn't, baby, baby.

Then we got to figure
a way out of this cave

before we run out of rations.

Let's take turns marking
our path, and watching the kid.

Ooh! I call dibs on
first babysitting shift.

Good, because the only thing
I hate more than engineers

are babies.

Ooh, who's a little clone baby?

- You are. You are.
- Ugh.

Oh, baby.

Oh!

Wow. You're a tough kid.

Born in a cave,
fighting a monster.

I think you're the coolest baby
I've ever met.

Oh, looks like you two
are finally getting along.

Yeah, yeah,
I don't usually like babies,

but this is more
of a co-adventurer.

Yeah,
she's on Team Cave Survival.

I still don't like
engineers, though.

Run!

Aw!
Dead end!

Would you stop messing
with the tricorder?

We're about to be eaten alive.

No can do, Dr. T.
I've got this.

We mean you no harm.

We just want
to get out of this cave.

Did you just talk to me?

I adapted this translator
based on your growls.

Please don't eat us.

GRAFFLAX: I don't want to eat you.

I'm protecting my baby.

Hey, this is our baby.
I gave birth to it.

Not that. In there.

Oh, we didn't know

that was your baby.

If you let us leave,

we'll make
sure nobody ever comes back.

I've been observing you.

You are good parents.

Follow me.

All right, Baby Thusa.

Let's get you out of this cave.

Huh.

You'd make a not completely
terrible father.

Wait. Are you saying
I'm the first engineer you like?

Shut the up.

Dude, you fully had a kid
and never told us?

She was a consciousness clone.

It's not like she was my baby.

I only gave birth to her.

That a huge deal.
We're roommates.

How come you
didn't tell me this?

You didn't tell me
about the Vendorians.

And I haven't been able
to talk about the time

we got stuck in the turbolift.

That is not a cave story!

Oh, I don't like the sound
of that.

Ugh.

What?

You're using the comm badge as
a filter for the trigammanite?

Since when do you know how
to realign microcircuitry?

Probably from you.
I don't know.

The way these stories have been
going, I wouldn't be surprised

if you got it from one
of those creeps in Delta shift.

- Well, I mean...
- You did?

Since when can you stand
being around Delta shift?

Since I got assigned
to lead them

on an away mission on Glish.

But, our shuttle was hit

with a magnetic
anomaly on the way.

Way. Way.

- Nice landing.
- Oh, you have notes

on me saving our lives?

I wouldn't have
crashed into a cave.

We lost power, shuttles
are shaped like bricks.

What was I supposed to do?

Ugh. Of Course.

Oh, wait. Holy.
Comms are working?

you, cave.

All right, Mariner to Cerritos.

What? Repeat that.

- Breaking up.
- Aw, damn it.

We're out of range.

Looks like
we'll be here for a while.

Mariner!

Look what your crappy piloting
did to my leg.

- Oh, my God!
- Asif!

Ugh.

Karavitus, grab a med kit.

Amadou, get me a status report
on those engines.

- On it.
- Yes, ma'am.

Shuttle's salvageable,
but power's dunsel,

unless we can scrounge
up some pergium.

Well, it's our lucky
day, because,

according to this,

there's a pile of pergium
right over there.

Ugh.
Ugh, I feel terrible.

Are you guys seeing this?

What the hell?

Did you get older?

Oh, whoa. You did, too.

Ew!
This is so messed up!

We're near a mineral vein
which emits chronitons.

Anything organic will experience

a bio-temporal flux
depending on how

- close you get to it.
- Well, that sucks,

because we have to get to that
wall over there, or no pergium.

I'm gonna be a spry old lady.

I'll just muscle through it.

Well, what are you doing?
Cut it out.

You're gonna get too old.

I bet I age
more gracefully than you,

because I'm a better person.

I'm the ranking officer here.

Go back to the young side.

- That's an order.
- No!

You always hated me,

just because I'm Delta shift.

I've always hated you
because you're an assh*le.

We can't help Asif

if we both die of old age

halfway to the wall.

- Aah!
- Aah!

I'm only an assh*le

because I work
just as hard as you,

at all the same jobs,

but nobody cares.

Our shift sucks.

Everyone is asleep.

That sounds great to me.

It isn't.

I've met the captain...
I don't know...

Five times.

I've seen Ransom three or four.

None of us in Delta shift
will ever rank up,

like you all did,

because nobody knows we exist.

Damn. It's like we work
on two different shifts.

Yeah. That's why we've always
resented you Beta shifters.

Oh, we thought you hated us

because we broke
stuff during the day

and you had to fix it at night.

Yeah, that's sucks, too.

I'm sorry
for being a d*ck to you.

Maybe we try to find
a shift between ours,

where we can try to be civil.

Maybe.

If we survive
this stupid old-age cave.

Aah! My hip!

Ugh. We need someone younger
than us to take a cr*ck at this.

Wait...
That's it!

Asif's like a child prodigy.

- He's young as hell.
- Really?

Asif, get your ass over here!

Hello. My leg is broken.

It'll heal with
the time dilation.

- Right?
- Yeah, I don't know.

Ow! Oh, my God, my leg!

Ow! Oh, it's healing wrong.

It looks fine.

- Yeah, just keep going.
- I don't know.

- Are you sure?
- Just walk through it.

Oh, I can't go anymore.

My leg feels like a knot.

Just suck it up.
You're still young.

Yeah, come on, kid.
I wish I was your age.

Oh, God, my leg fell off!

- Ooh. Uh, that is...
- Aah! That...

- Not good...
- That's...

Hey, guys, check it out.

There's a bunch of pergium
over here

and it makes you age down
a little.

I feel great.

- Oh. Good job, Amadou.
- What?!

Then why did I
have to walk over here?

Hey, you're a hero, Asif.

Yeah, you did great, man.

Couldn't have gotten
out of this without you.

Wait, wait, wait, hold on.
Don't leave my leg.

I'm done being old, so,

we're just gonna have the
doc grow you a new one.

Oh, come on.

Shuttlecraft, do you read?

We're receiving
your distress call.

Just stay where you are.

- Nice job, Lieutenant.
- You, too, Ensign.

Couldn't have done it
without Delta shift.

- You know it.
- Yeah!

- Delta shift! Delta shift!
- Delta shift! Delta shift!

Delta shift! Delta shift!

Hey, yeah, can-can we please

just try to get my leg, maybe?

You-you know, just in case?

- You chanted with them?
- Chanting's our thing.

I can-I can chant
with other people.

Guys, don't fight.

I don't know
who you are anymore!

Oh, why don't you ask
your pal Steve Levy?

Delta shift is way worse.

You didn't even tell us
you were a father.

I did too tell you.
Just not right away.

Whatever. Ugh.
Just, here's the trigammanite.

Call the Cerritos
and get us out of here.

Great. I'll call for an evac.

Fine, I can get
back to real work.

Yup. See you guys
in the next cave or whatever.

Away team to Cerrit...
Aah!

- Moss!
- Oh, this moss is doing something

- that moss shouldn't do!
- Holy...

You cannot leave.

- Did the moss talk?
- What is happening?

You cannot leave,

until I hear the

- green one's story.
- Uh.

But it's just about a turbolift.

It doesn't apply
to the situation.

- Story!
- Tendi, tell the story.

Okay, uh, well, it was my
first day on the Cerritos.

Cerritos. Cerritos. Cerritos.

- No. No, no, no. No, go away.
- Spirit, community.

- Leave me alone.
- Lower Decks! Lower Decks!

- No. Don't... Stop hugging me.
- Lower Decks!

You're gonna be my cha'Dich
from now on, baby!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Oh, man.

Ugh. I need to sleep
for a year, minimum.

I thought synthehol let you
shrug off the effects of alcohol.

Yeah, but I swapped
bottles way early.

We've been drinking
the real thing.

I'm genuinely impaired,
but, well,

what if Dr. T'Ana
needs me to assist

in, uh, like, a surgical thing?

We just survived a rage virus.

The whole ship's on down time.

- Don't sweat it.
- Yeah, there shouldn't be

another disaster
until : at the earliest.

Ugh. Rutherford
to Commander Billups.

Are there any issues
with the turbolifts?

Uh, well, a bunch of
the power relays were damaged,

so, just hang tight,
we'll add you to the list.

Can you just beam us
out of here, sir?

Huh, I'm sure they'll
have it fixed in a jiffy.

- Oh!
- Oh!

sh**t, that spells targ.

- I'm out.
- My turn.

All right, you got
to bounce it off Boims' face.

Okay.

- Is it a living thing?
- No.

Uh, is it
an isolinear optical chip?

Yes! Holy crap!
You got it in two!

I think this was actually

one of the best days
of my life.

Uh, you mean,
with the zombie outbreak,

then getting stuck in here
and peeing in a corner?

Well, I didn't love
peeing in the corner.

I guess I was worried about
being the only Orion on board.

We kind of have a reputation.

All we see is a smart, capable,
awesome ensign.

Yeah, you're a lower decker,
just like us.

Cerritos strong.

Hmm.

I'm glad
you guys are my friends.

I'm here to save you.

Oh, man, I almost peed again
when Shaxs jumped in like that.

Almost?
I fully did.

I think that was the best time

I've ever had being stuck
in something.

Mm, that was really sweet.

I'm sorry I kept cutting
that story off early, Tends.

No, it's okay.

I just wanted
to say, it doesn't matter

if we start hanging out
with Steve Levy

or Delta shift or having a baby.

We'll always be friends.

I love you guys.

I have eaten many
outsiders in this cave,

but I have never made a friend.

Can we be friends?

Of course.
We came in here to study you.

You did?

Take your scans,

as long as you continue
to tell stories.

Uh, it'll take a while
for our commanders to rescue us,

and I have plenty more
cave stories to tell.

That pleases me.

You ever heard of a sentient cave?

Ooh, I have a real cave story.

Remember the time we got stuck
in a cave and met ourselves?

What?
No way.

Oh, yeah, that one was wild.

We thought it was us
from the future

'cause they knew
everything about us.

But then it turned out it was
actually a bunch of aliens

pretending to be us.

Then it turned out they
actually were from the future.

It appears
that the junior officers

have rekindled their friendship.

By not allowing
their new responsibilities

to destroy
what's truly important.

They have passed our test.

Should we unblock
their communications?

Nay. Let them enjoy this moment
for a little longer.