07x04 - Day Tripping

[bunniefuu]

- [food sizzling]
- [dishes clattering]

Wake up, sleepy teenagers.
Breakfast is ready.

Thanks, Doctor B.

- You're very welcome.
- This looks yummers.

I just hope no one
got woken up this morning

by the sounds
of me orally pleasuring my wife.

- It certainly woke me up.
- [Nick groans]

Exciting, the Birch house, isn't it?

The parents are always
going down on each other.

Ew, don't talk to us.

Of course. I hope you had
a great shower this morning.

I wasn't listening.

And he definitely
didn't lick the tub clean afterwards.

Like a cat with a mineral deficiency.

Oh my God, look at Nicky-poo
in his cars and trucks pajamas.

Uh, actually, Gabrielle, it's Nick.
You know, like a man?

Yeah, okay, little man.

- No, like a regular man, not a little man.
- But with a baby's penis.

- Good morning, Judd.
- Hi.

You wanna watch me eat a sausage?

Oh my God. Guys, chill.

- Leah, are you gonna ask him?
- Yes.

Um, hey, Judd?

Whatever it is, f*ck off.

Oh, come on! I just want you
to text your hook-up in the city

and, like, buy us some mushrooms.

Yeah, we wanna get high
and figure out if we're actually friends.

- Please? We'll pay you double.
- Fine.

- I'm saving up for a pressure cooker.
- Oh, yes!

- You're our hero, Judd.
- I love you. For real.

- Gabrielle!
- What? Your brother's hot.

- Seriously. He's such a badass.
- Ah, Andrew, you hear that?

Sounds like Judd's buying
a pressure cooker.

That's for a b*mb, right?

No, the girls think Judd is a badass.
They don't treat him like a baby.

Well, yeah, 'cause he's got
that big Judd energy.

- Exactly.
- Oh, should we also build a b*mb?

No! We should go to the city with Judd
and buy some f*cking dr*gs.

Then we'll be badasses too.

Absolutely not.

- No fair. Why not...
- 'Cause you're a whiny little bitch.

Under no circumstances
will I help you come of age.

- [Nick grunts]
- Well, that's that. Judd said no. Okay.

I wonder what our story
will be this episode.

Maybe I'll get my d*ck
caught in something?

Hey, you think we're taking no
for an answer? Get in.

But there's no seat belts back there.
And also, Judd will k*ll us.

- Thank you, Judd.
- You rock!

- I love your body, Judd. For real.
- Come on. You said it yourself.

We need that big Judd energy.

- Uh...
- BJE. Big Judd energy.

Come on, man. Peer pressure.
Let's do something bad.

All right, yeah. Move over, Nick.

- I'm puttin' some more junk in that trunk.
- Get in, come on. He's coming.

Oh, Nick, this is so exciting.

You think the drug dealer
accepts traveler's checks? [screams]

Yeah! Let's go buy some f*ckin' dr*gs!

Woo-hoo! Chode trip!

["Changes" by Charles Bradley playing]

♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪

♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ In my life ♪

♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪

[songs fades]

- [groaning]
- [pots clanging]

Oh my God, what is that racket?

Can't a boy study
for the first time in his life in peace?

- Finish him!
- Make him sh*t blood!

- Yeah!
- Lola? What the f*ck are you doing here?

Are you joking me?

Celebrity UFC is on. Duh!

Doja Cat just obliterated
Jake from State Farm.

Like a good neighbor, she tore up his ass.

No! I mean,
what are you doing in my house?

Spending quality time with my new boo.

What? You guys are boo-ficial now?

Keep up!

Kurt and I are like
the hottest new couple in town.

- We're electric.
- It's fresh, it's exciting,

and honey, it's way better
than anything we ever had.

But don't you see how f*cked up it is
you're dating Kurt?

Why, because me dating
my ex-boyfriend's brother

is technically incest?

- Yes!
- Oh please!

This could've all been yours,
but you chose Matthew.

You made your gay bed,

- now you have to gay sleep in it.
- [Jay groans]

Babe, there is nothing hotter
than you calling my brother gay.

Oh yeah? Well, your brother is my brother,

and if we have a kid,

it's gonna have the teeniest tiniest head.

Ah f*ck!

Then that little pinhead
will be my grandfather!

[groans]

[Connie] Ooh, a Saturday hang
at Matthew's house.

- What do you think we're gonna do?
- [doorbell rings]

Um, we'll probably just talk sh*t
about people from school.

Okay, I like Gina and she is my friend,

but who takes a whole week off
when their grandma dies?

I know. She's, like, a grandma.
What'd you think was gonna happen?

Exactly.

Wow. You guys didn't even say hello.

- Jessica, my favorite Jewess.
- [chuckles]

- Oh, just "Jessi" is fine.
- Well, our church...

That's like your synagogue,
but for people who believe in God.

Yes, well, our church
is going to the Wonder Bread factory.

And that's like your Matzah bread,
but for people who believe in God.

- Ah, Jessi's here! Jessi's here!
- Oh. Wow.

- Hi, Brittany.
- Jesus Christ.

Not this ugly f*cking bitch.

Oh, Maury, Brittany's not that ugly.

I mean, she's not attractive.

She's ugly in her heart, Connie,
and her f*cking face.

Oh, can I stay here
and play with Matthew and Jessi?

But don't you wanna see
how white the bread is?

No! I wanna be a big girl like Jessi.

- Please?
- Aw, I'm flattered.

It's okay with me
if it's okay with you guys.

What? No! I was hoping
she'd fall in the Wonder Bread oven

and slowly toast to death.

- Yeah! We could play Cutlery.
- "Cutlery"?

Oh, yeah. She loves silverware.
It's a whole thing.

Girls are spoons, and boys are forks.

Okay, you know what?

I'm starting to see why you think
she's such a dumb little bitch.

And Connie, she's so rude.

She never asks you
one thing about yourself.

[heavy metal playing]

[tires screeching]

Whoa! Ow! Why are there
so many wrenches back here?

- There are just dozens of loose wrenches.
- Sh! Shut up.

And a Time Warner modem.
You're supposed to return these!

God, Judd doesn't give two fucks, does he?

Nicky? Andrew? Do you guys want a snack?

Boys?

- Huh.
- [phone dialing]

- [phone vibrating]
- Oh f*ck.

[whispering] Mom, I can't talk right now.

Uh, I'm jogging with Andrew.

- Why are you whispering?
- Because we're jogging in a library?

- What? A library?
- Sorry, yeah, gotta go.

Uh, Andrew just tripped over one
of those newspapers on a big stick. Bye.

That little sh*t is up to something.

Oh f*ck, we're caught.

Let's just roll out.
I'd rather be roadkill than face your mom.

Andrew, relax. We're bad boys, right?

Right, we're bad boys,
and bad boys lie to their mommies.

Turn off your phone
so your parents can't track your location.

[chuckles] Oh, sweetie,
my parents have no idea how to do that.

- [tires screech]
- [Andrew and Nick groan]

I will say this, we're making great time.

[Jay groans]

f*cking Lola!

She's just trying to get back at me
for picking Matthew.

What a toxic psycho.

Jay, how's therapy going
with your dumb dog?

Has he gotten to the root
of why you're such a fugly little freak?

- Hey, you're the one that's fugly!
- Yeah, right.

If I was so fugly, would your brother
wanna tongue me down like this?

[both moaning]

- Oh yeah, your tongue is so wet.
- Yeah, yours is so bumpy.

Oh yeah? Well two can play at that game.

[grunts] Come here, Luda.

- [Luda whimpers]
- [Jay groans]

Hey, babe. You're not just using me
to piss off Jay, right?

Oh my God, of course not!

- Baby, I horn for you so bad.
- Oh yeah.

And if that happens to drive Jay
to the edge of madness,

well then, that's just, like, you know,
the cherry on top of a burger.

It's so hot how twisted you are.

Oh yeah, I'm a f*cking maniac.

I'm a f*cking maniac too.

[both moaning]

[sings fanfare]

Introducing Princess Spoon
and Prince Fork.

- Greetings. Greetings.
- Hi. Thank you so much for coming.

- And now, let the royal wedding begin!
- [chuckles]

I don't think
I'm exactly Prince Fork's type.

Maybe he should marry
Duke Cocktail Fork over there.

[giggles]

I don't know about marriage,

but I am DTF, down to fork. [giggles]

Jessi, you're being so silly.

Matthew can't marry another fork.

Of course Brittany is h*m*.

Westboro-Baptist-ass bitch.

Sure he can.
A fork can totally marry another fork.

- [laughs] Okay, Jessi.
- Or a Kn*fe or...

- Ow. What the hell, Matthew?
- Um, that's enough.

Can the fork marry a potato peeler?

Um, sure.
Anyone can marry whoever they want.

- Jessi!
- Ow, Matthew!

- Stop slapping my f*cking tit!
- Oh, she's just kidding.

Jessi is being so silly and stupid.

Prince Fork would love
to marry Princess Spoon.

f*ck. Why is Matthew being so weird?

I know! If he's gonna slap anyone,
it should be Brittany.

- I'm so glad you don't like her either.
- She's a toxic person!

And you know she's never had a job before?

Her parents pay for, like, everything.

- [tires screech]
- [both grunt]

Oh Lord, that ride was so terrifying.
My assh*le may never unclench.

Andrew, focus. [snaps fingers]

We are about to experience a drug deal
in the seedy underbelly of society.

Them corners, an unflinching journey
into the American drug crisis.

What the...

- Where... Where are we?
- Yeah, where's the underbelly?

- I think we're in Brooklyn?
- Mm. That tracks.

I mean, there's a Sweetgreen
across from another Sweetgreen.

Hey, yo, Brooklyn!

Let's play some stick ball
with Nathan's hot dogs, you gavones.

Yeah! Don't remembuhboutit!

Do you mean "fuhgeddaboutit"?

- Forget about what?
- The thing you said.

I'm not following you, my gavone.

- [child] Whee!
- [man laughs]

- What the hell is that sound?
- I think it's Judd,

and I think he's laughing?

- What? No.
- [man] Hold on tight.

Judd only laughs
when he hears bones cracking.

- Pretty fun, huh, Melon Ball?
- I wanna go higher!

Hey, you don't think
the kid's a drug dealer, do you?

Like a cute little rascal
that sells narcotics?

If Judd wanted to hang out
with a younger kid,

why didn't he ever hang out with me?

It might be because he thinks,
and I'm quoting him,

- that "you're a whiny little bitch."
- Aw.

Don't you think that's it though, Nick?
The whiny little bitch thing?

[tires screech]

[banging on door]

- Hey.
- Diane?

The boys are acting mad sus.
We need to track their phones.

I don't know what any of those words mean.
How are you learning new words?

Just give me your phone.

Here. The password is, "OH GOD!!!!"
all caps, four exclamation points.

My little snake of a son
turned off his location tracking,

but I'm assuming Andrew
doesn't think you're hip to the tech.

- I'm not hip to anything!
- Boom. They're in Brooklyn.

Oh God, the mob
must have kidnapped Andrew.

They're gonna harvest
his fat little organs.

- Oh, grow up.
- Oh!

They're up to some shady bullshit,
and we're gonna catch them in the act.

Wait, did you say "we"? Are we teaming up?

You bet your sweet ass we are.

Grab your travel mug, Barbara,
'cause we're going to Brooklyn.

Ooh! Whee!

Okay. Tell your sister and her friends
they're in for a blissful experience.

- Wait, so the mom is Judd's drug dealer?
- [panting] Oh!

We're about to witness an urban drug deal.

Chill out, Andrew.

What if the fuzz shows up
and we get booked for accessory?

What am I gonna do in jail?
I won't have anywhere to sit during lunch.

I'll have to become friends
with the Aryan Nation.

- What if they figure out I'm Jewish?
- Oh, they will.

That's their least favorite thing. [farts]

Andrew, do not nervous-fart right now.

I can't help it.
That's how my body processes stress.

- [farts]
- [sniffs, groans]

What is that smell?

Wait a minute,
it smells like my brother's friend's ass.

Wow, the cool older guy
knows what my farts smell like.

- It's kinda flattering.
- What the f*ck?

Judd? Is that you?
What are you doing in Brooklyn?

Oh, are you looking
at shared office space like us? [screams]

- [both grunt]
- You have ten seconds to explain.

Oh fine. We wanted
to be badasses like you to get girls,

so we wanted to meet your drug dealer. Hi.

Oh, I'm not a drug dealer.

I'm a purveyor
of natural psilocybnic products

that allow my clients
to open their consciousness.

She's a drug dealer.

Yes, exactly. That's what we'd like,
some of that sweet consciousness stuff.

Andrew, please give the nice woman
your traveler's checks.

Honeydew isn't selling
you little dickheads sh*t.

Why are you always so mean to me?

- 'Cause you're a whiny little bitch.
- I am not!

- [thud]
- [cries]

- Melon Ball, baby!
- Oh sh*t, I think his arm is broken.

Who's that kid?
Do you have a secret son or something?

No, of course not.

Then why do you like him
so much more than you like me?

Because you suck,
and Melon Ball's the sh*t.

- Oh.
- Well, you did ask.

Oh God, we have to take him
to Urgent Care!

So, should we come with?

No f*cking way. Wait here till I get back.

- But...
- And don't touch anything.

Oh, Andrew, we're gonna
touch everything, right?

It's a strange lady's home.
What choice do we have?

Oh, maybe this is where
you'll get your d*ck stuck in something.

Aha.

Perhaps there's a napkin ring
with my name on it.

- [groans]
- Jessi, I never thought I'd say this,

but please stop trying to get my sister
to officiate a gay wedding.

Hold on. Do your siblings
not know you're gay?

I mean, have they spent
literally one second with you?

[scoffs] They don't even know what gay is,
and my parents like it that way.

This is a real "don't ask, don't tell,

don't have proper-fitting jeans"
kinda household.

But don't you realize
how f*cked-up that is?

Uh, no doy.

My parents accept that I'm gay,
but they still think it's a choice,

and they don't want their other kids
to make that choice.

That's not how being gay works.

Ma'am, I know that.

Matthew, come look!

It's the wedding of two forks,
just like Jessi said.

They're kissing.

Oh, I still f*cking hate Brittany,
but I can't lie, that is hot.

- D-D-Don't show Mom and Dad that, okay?
- Hey!

- Just do a normal fork and spoon wedding.
- Matthew, do you even hear yourself?

My mom is gonna think I'm, like,
trying to recruit her or something,

and then it's sayonara,
off to Kirkland Signature Conversion Camp.

It's actually not that bad.

I get my eyeglasses there,
and I crave d*ck way less than I used to.

Okay, you look for the dr*gs,
I'm gonna go smell her hamper.

Holy sh*t.

Oh, don't tell me you found the dr*gs
before I got to smell her towel.

I think these are the same shrooms

- that Honeydew gave Judd.
- [sniffs] Um...

And if we eat them,
girls will come a-running?

- I think that's how it works.
- Uh, I don't know, Nick.

- [gags] Tastes like the Earth.
- You just did dr*gs!

That's right, I did.
Who's a whiny little bitch now?

Not you. You're a badass.

And you're a badass too,

- so sit down in this antique wicker chair...
- Okay.

...and eat this beautifully wrapped truffle.

Here we go.
I'm eating this chocolate as a child,

but I'll be pooping it out as a man.

And I will be pooping it out as blood.

Oh Rick, I've begged you
to go to the doctor.

Nah, man.
I'm afraid about what he's gonna say.

Wh... Why does it smell like food in here?
It's supposed to smell like sh*t.

Well, if you must know,
I'm making my famous Fritota for Kurt.

It's Fritos, eggs,
and a f*ck-ton of ketchup.

Aww, your signature dish?

Yeah, we're gonna hardcore French
and then swap food gums.

Okay, look, this whole charade with Kurt
is just to drive me crazy.

But guess what? It's not gonna work
because I'm already crazy.

Get real, sis.

You can't stop thinking
about my hot little eggs

in your blood relative's mouth.

Wrong! I don't give a sh*t
where you put your eggs anymore.

- That's a honking load of crap!
- Oh, it's true.

I hardly ever think about
your thick stinky feet all up in my mouth.

Oh yeah? Well, I seldom think
about your jacked walnut arms

lifting me up over your head
like I'm a bag of f*cking feathers.

Sounds like we're on the exact same page.

Agreed. We absolutely despise each other.

Just like Elmer Fudd
and that hot slut rabbit.

- You f*cking wascally skank.
- [alarm beeping]

Oh crap, my Fritota's on fire!

Mine too, babe.

No, really!

- [screams] Put it out! Put it out!
- Ah! [grunts]

- What the hell is going on?
- Whoa! Uh, nothing?

- You guys starting fires without me?
- Yes! I mean no.

I mean, I don't want to f*ck Bugs Bunny.
Who said that? You know what? I gotta go.

That's right, Jay.

I'm so deep in your skull,
I'm basically an amygdala.

[laughs maniacally, snorts]

[Barbara] Wow, look at us.

We're in hot pursuit,
just like Rizzoli & Isles.

Check Andrew's coordinates again
and drop a pin for me, will ya?

Oh Diane, I would love to,

but I couldn't possibly know
what that means.

Ugh, fine. Just hold on to your tits.

[Barbara screams]

- Hey, Nick, do you feel anything yet?
- Not really. What about you?

No.

Although I will say this,
I seem to be melting into the couch.

Oh, the air. I can, like, see it.

Oh, it's shimmery.

Andrew, I think we're high on dr*gs.

Does this make us badasses?

I don't feel bad, I feel good.

Maybe you guys should be goodasses?

You ever wondered, Rick,
why being an assh*le

is supposedly a bad thing?

Yes. If you did not have an assh*le,
you would be full of sh*t.

Aw, that's deep.
Come here. Give me a kiss.

Pucker up, baby.

[man] Hey, f*ck face.

- [Nick] Judd?
- Did you take the dr*gs?

I did. I'm sorry, Floor Judd.

Quit whining.

I know. I'm a whiny little bitch,

but I don't wanna be.

Hey, I believe you can be someone
who doesn't suck.

- Really?
- Really.

Aw, I love you, Floor Judd.
I wanna give you my whole heart.

[heart b*ating]

- Sick.
- [Andrew] Nick?

I just discovered something

while I was trying on
all of Honeydew's caftans.

We are all extensions of the universe,

- and death is not to be feared.
- [doorbell rings]

Someone's at the door.

[gasps] Maybe it's God.

Oh, I would love to meet God.
He's so famous.

Should we give God my heart?

Oh, yeah, that seems
like the kind of thing God's into.

What the f*ck? Where's Honeydew?

Oh sh*t! God, don't smite us!

I said, where's Honeydew?

[both] Buh...

Jesus Christ, are you kids high?
And who the f*ck even are you?

I'm Judd's brother.

And I am but a child of the Earth
wearing a silken caftan.

Hello, God.

I'm not f*cking God.

I'm Honeydew's supplier,

and she owes me two grand!

[roaring]

Okay, now this feels like a drug deal.

[man roars]

We're home!

And we brought you kids shirts
from the Wonder Bread factory.

They're made of leftover bread,
so don't wear them in the rain.

Or go anywhere near ducks.

Oh, breadshirts. Thanks.

Mommy, Daddy,

- did you know that boys can marry boys...
- Brittany!

...girls can marry girls,

and a cocktail fork
can marry a potato peeler?

Okay, so now she's an ally?

That is some performative-ass bullshit.

Sweetie, where did you hear that?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I think I wasn't supposed to say it.

Oh, no, it's me. It's my fault.
I'm... I'm the one who made the forks kiss.

Yeah, Jessi wasn't aware
of our family's gag order

around everything q*eer.

It's not a "gag order."

We just don't think the kids
are old enough to know about S-E-X.

Well, you don't worry about S-E-X
when they're watching The Little Mermaid

and she marries Prince Eric.

You can't have S-E-X with a mermaid.
They don't have a lady hole.

But if it were Prince Eric
marrying Sebastian,

suddenly it's all about sex.

Oh, Matthew,
we spell that word in this house.

[groans] My point is,
it's not S-E-X you're uncomfortable with,

it's G-A-Y.

Not in front of the kids!

That's right,
because I'm not to be discussed.

God forbid Brittany and Jamie Lynn
and Toby and Keith know

their brother is a fork
who likes other forks!

- Son, now, that is not how it is.
- Well, that's how it feels.

Oh, sweet mercy.

Kids, why don't you go
into the kitchen and, um...

um, eat your shirts?

You couldn't just let the fork
marry a spoon, huh?

- What's the matter with you?
- I was trying to do social justice?

On a Saturday?

[objects clatter]

Every month
I gotta come over here and get it.

You can't rely
on someone with a trust fund!

[man yells]

[roars]

Where's my f*cking money?

Oh, we're never gonna stop being high.

Uh, sir, I've given you $
in traveler's checks.

What else do you want from us?

I don't wanna be a tushy anymore.

Stay clenched. Stay strong.

- [roars]
- [Nick and Andrew scream]

- Oh God, please don't k*ll us.
- [sobbing]

My doctor says I have
an abnormally large amount of blood.

It'll make a total mess.

All right, that's it.
I'm putting you idiots in the closet.

Get away from our boys.

Time to die, sex pervert.

- Mom!
- Mommy, I'm nude under here.

What the f*ck is this?
I just wanted my money.

- [grunts]
- What the hell were you doing to our sons?

Were you about to sell their bodies
to a Russian crime boss

and then auction them off
in a poorly-lit basement?

- What?
- Tell us!

I'm not a sex trafficker,
I'm a drug dealer.

- Oh God.
- Barely. I sell shrooms!

- And he's not talking porcinis, baby.
- Oh no.

Look, it's my heart.
I don't know how to put it back in.

- Uh, Nicky, that's a bran muffin.
- [squeals]

Oh my God, are you two high?

- What?!
- I no longer have my underwear.

You gave our sons mushrooms?

No, I didn't. I swear.
They were high when I got here.

How do you live with yourself,
selling dr*gs, threatening kids?

What does your mother
think of your line of work?

I... Well, I'm not sure.

I-I haven't really talked to my mother
in a very long time.

What do you mean you don't call
your mother? Shame on you!

It's just... I don't know.

After college,
we started talking less and less,

so I just sort of stopped calling.

Oh, well, that's some bullshit.

She's probably thinking about you
every day.

Oh my God, you're right.
I'm gonna go call my mom right now.

Yeah, run away, bitch!

You saved us!

And really, knowing we disappointed you,
it's punishment enough?

Uh-uh. You two are f*cked.

- [groans]
- You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say
can and will be used against you.

- [whimpers]
- And where is your underwear, Mister?

I flushed it in the toilet,
and it made sense at the time.

[crickets chirping]

[groans] g*dd*mn it.
Kurt's doing it all wrong.

You need to use your teeth to get
those delicious corns off the foot cob.

Uh, hey, babe, I, um, got you something.

A present?

You hear that, whomsever jealous people
may be watching this lovely scene?

[grunts] I stole you this stop sign

because, Lola, you make my heart stop.

Oh my God! How did you know
my love language is "do crimes for me"?

Yes! I knew you'd like it.

Oh sh*t. This is so romantic.

- I think Kurt, like, really likes her.
- [Luda whimpers]

Well, that's it, Luda.

Even if I do still have
an emotional boner for Lola,

I gotta tuck it into my waistband
until it gets soft.

[barks]

Feelings. Feelings. Feelings.

How do I tell Jay
that I, too, have feelings for Lola?

Hey, guys, I just want you to know
I'm really happy for you...

Who the f*ck cares?

...and I bless this union.

Wait, what?

Don't you wanna fight him
right in front of me

while I whip nickels at your back?

And Kurt, not to tell you your business,

but you really should be getting
her feet in your mouth, man.

I wish you both bliss.

- [sobbing]
- f*ck you, Jay.

I don't want bliss, I want erotic chaos!

[crickets chirping]

- Yep, that's right, kids.
- Huh?

Sir Elton and that other fella
are married forks,

and Ellen and Portia are married spoons.

And you know, some forks get dressed up
in leather and go to special clubs,

and that's interesting to your dad.

What, uh...
What are you guys talking about in here?

Well, son, we were just explaining
to the kids what it means to be gay.

And how that's what you are,
and how we love you so much.

And how I wish
your little clubs had windows.

Some of us are curious.

Right.

And also how if any of you all are gay,

we'll love you
just as much as we love Matthew.

All right. Well, you're certainly trying.

Love you, Matthew.

Aw. I love you too, Brittany.

Okay, I-I-I know I'm tripping balls,

but I think I finally figured out
my problem with Brittany. [sobs]

She reminds me of my mother...

- All right, Maury.
- ...who I f*cking hate.

[sobbing]

- [Andrew babbling]
- [grunts] Come on, help me out.

Honestly, Nicky, I don't even know
what to do with you anymore.

Oh, Andrew, getting reamed out
by your mommies

while you're still tripping is no bueno.

How did you even get to Brooklyn?
And why do you know a drug dealer?

- Uh...
- [Diane] I want details now, Mister.

Oh sh*t.

Well, Mrs. Birch,
first we snuck into the trunk of... Ow!

We snuck into the trunk of an Uber,

and then we found the drug dealer on Yelp
all by ourselves...

- No... Ow!
- ...with no help from anyone.

Oh. Yeah, that's what happened.

[grunts softly]

Ugh, just get in the g*dd*mn car.

You know, even though today was mad sus,

I learned a few dank lessons
along the way.

Okay, reel it in, Barbara.

What can I say? I'm cheugy. [laughs]

What do you think the deal is
with Judd and the Melons?

Honestly, we may be better off
never knowing.

[phone chimes]

[chuckles]

Oh man, my t*nk's almost empty.
Keep your eyes peeled for a cum station.

Okay, I'll keep it peeled.

- [Rick groans]
- Ooh, wow, Ricky baby.

I think it's time to f*ck the sun.

[Maury] You took the words
right out of my sphincter.

[Rick] dr*gs. Are. Goooood.

[Maury] Hey, kids,
don't listen to Rick, okay?

♪ Take the load off your mind
Ride the mighty glory ♪

♪ Listen to my story
Ride the mighty high ♪

♪ Take the load off your mind
Ride the mighty glory ♪

♪ Listen to my story
Ride the mighty high ♪

♪ Take the load off your feet
Hear what I'm sayin' ♪

♪ Hear what I'm sayin'
It'll set your mind at ease ♪

♪ I was just a man
A lonely man indeed ♪

♪ God took all my troubles
Yes, he did, he set me free ♪

♪ Take the load off your mind
Ride the mighty glory ♪

♪ Listen to my story
Ride the mighty high ♪

["Mighty High"
by Mighty Clouds of Joy playing]

Chirp.