01x06 - Jack of All Trades

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, everyone.

Are you sure we're not getting graded on this? Chill.

It's not a real test.

There are no right and wrong answers.

Just put down what you feel.

I feel gum.

How we "feel"? Doesn't that sound a little new
-agey? Ooh, do I smell incense? What's the test for? It's supposed to tell you what might be a good career for you.

Okay, bring it on as long as one of the choices is backup singer, I'm gold.

Just as long as it's not some kind of stealth pop quiz.

Mr.

Pettus can slice and dice a frog in formaldehyde faster than you can say "Benihana!" The downside is, he gets kind of wigged out about all the homeroom paperwork.

Test here we go.

Test bubble procedure: do not use a checkmark or an "X.

" Fill in the bubble completely.

We've been test bubbling since, like, kindergarten.

Why do we need the instructions every time? They expect us to know the square root of 162 but don't think we can remember how to fill in the circle.

Save your cleverness for your project, Mr.

Gordon.

Begin! Season 1 Episode 6 Jack of All Trades If you believe, we've got a picture
-perfect plan We've got you fooled 'Cause we only do the best we can Sometimes we make it And sometimes we fake it But we get one step closer each and every day We'll figure it out on the way Look at them.

Poor suckers all think they'll be the next Bill Gates when in reality, odds are they'll be manning the hair scrunchy cart at the mall.

I like hair scrunchies.

Gordo, you don't have to worry.

You'll be able to do anything you want after college.

You will get straight "As.

" Not in science.

Mr.

Pettus has been giving me "Bs" all semester.

But science is one your best subjects.

Oh, come on, they're all your best subjects.

They were.

My straight "A" streak's over.

Hold up.

Can I have a minute to process? I mean, if Gordo doesn't even get an "A" in science what hope is there for the rest of us? You don't have to worry, Mr.

Pettus is giving me "Bs" because he hates me.

Why would he hate you? Did he ever find out you put that dead frog in his pocket? It was alive when I did it.

But I don't think that's it.

It's got to be something about me.

Okay, truth.

If there was some gross abnormality I had that Mr.

Pettus hated, you'd tell me, right? Like what? Uh, an infected pimple? Or a
-a deformed twin growing out of my shoulder? Or a unibrow? The career aptitude test is supposed to tell you what career would be good for you.

I took that test.

You did? Oh, sure, we both did.

Your mom was supposed to be a rock and roll diva with a world
-renowned shoe collection.

You gave all that up for us, Mom? Way to prioritize.

Yep.

Don't you forget it.

Matt, two minutes I'm going to compost your dinner.

When I took that test, it showed I have untapped mechanical ability.

Yeah, so explain to me how come the new microwave cart is not assembled yet.

Rome wasn't built in a day and I'm sure that Rome came with all the pieces.

Okay I have an announcement.

All right, son.

Go ahead.

I don't want to be called Matt anymore.

From now on, I'm M
-Dogg.

Lizzie! Lizzie All right why don't we talk about this, buddy? Why are you so down on "Matt"? Yeah, I love your name.

Yeah, 'cause you picked it! Lizzie! Lizzie Well, Matt's all right.

It's just there's four guys in my class named Matt and I just want to stand out.

M
-Dogg just feels more me.

I knew we should have named him Dylan.

There are seven Dylans.

Matt, don't you think M
-Dogg is a little too Um lame? Uh Lizzie? Lizzie! I'm not going to tell you again! I guess three times is tonight's quota.

Matt don't you think that M
-Dogg might be a little too different? Well, that's what I'm going for.

Something cool something street something different.

What about an Indian name, like Dances With Wolves? Like what? How about Falls Off His Razor or Still Wets The Bed? Mom! Dad! Lizzie! Come on, you guys.

My bangs are growing out faster than you're moving.

Why are you in such a hurry to get to science anyway? I still smell like frog.

I want to see what I got on my dolphin paper.

Uh, I don't need to see my paper.

I bet I get another "B.

" Gordo, everyone knows you're like the Tiger Woods of term papers.

I'm sure you're looking at an "A.

" You guys just don't get it.

It doesn't matter how good my work is.

Mr.

Pettus just hates me.

Oh, come on, Gordo.

Have you ever had a teacher just not like you? Well, things were kind of rocky with Miss Stokes in kindergarten after I threw up on the Magic Circle Story rug.

Oh, yay! Yes! A "B+.

" That's what I'm talking about.

My dolphin paper? Okay, the margins were a little wide but it had to be at least four pages.

Go ahead, ask me what dolphins eat.

Okay, t
-this is what I'm talking about.

Gordo, this is amazing.

Not really.

I left out all the stuff about the Coriolis Effect.

I figured why bother for a lousy "B.

" That grade has to be a mistake.

This is an "A+" paper.

Maybe if it had your name on it.

If it had my name on it it'd be called "Our Friend The Ocean.

" Matt? Matt.

Matt! M
-Dogg? Mom wants you.

Yo, Mom, what's up? You're not going to school like that.

Go upstairs and change into something less Barnum and Bailey.

Word.

Can I at least wear my do
-rag? Uh, I don't think Snoop wears cranberry.

Just go and change before you're late for school.

Jo I was backing the car out and I spotted this on our son's bike.

We are so in over our heads.

We cannot be in over our heads.

We're the parents.

Well, I'm open to suggestions.

You know, I Not from you.

This week we begin our unit on the human brain.

Projects are due on the seventh.

Students who wish to receive extra credit are encouraged to sign up for my brain
-swap experiment.

Lame as that joke was, I always make it a point to go along with it when teachers try to get a laugh.

Before we begin I have the results of your career aptitude tests.

Gordo, I've been thinking about what I want to do since we took that test and I realized, I have no clue.

I thought you wanted to be a veterinarian.

Hello! I was seven.

I also pretended I was a horse.

I want an interesting job that lets me live in a nice place, travel a lot and still have plenty of time for the twins.

Twins? It could happen.

Maybe you could, um, marry into a royal family.

Okay, forget everything else I said about a career.

Whatever I decide to do.

I want to make a lot of money.

I thought you were all about following your passions.

One of my passions is money.

Okay.

I'm going to be a Navy SEAL? Cosmetologist? Blackjack dealer! What a day.

I flunk the unflunkable test my science teacher hates me and I'm going to be a blackjack dealer.

I'd rather be a horse.

Okay, this is no way I'm going to be a Navy SEAL.

A) You have to get your hair wet.

B) You have to get up early.

And C) You have to get your hair wet! Hmm cosmetologist? I never really thought about it although I do have a flair for French
-braiding hair.

Yes, you do.

Did I mention I'm not getting my hair wet for a living? Hey, Monica and Rachel.

Can we talk about something besides hair? Like why I'm supposed to be a blackjack dealer.

"Our Friend The Brain.

" Oh Come on.

Typical! The marker always runs out when you're almost done
-
- one of the laws of science projects.

Another one says "You can never find the scissors when you need them.

" Hey, Matt.

Matt, do you have any more markers? Matt! There's no one here named Matt.

Fine.

Yo, M
-Dogg, hook me up with another marker.

Nope.

You called me you know what.

You punked me.

Now you must pay.

Okay, Matt.

I'm not joking.

I have to finish my science project.

Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.

M
-Dogg, if you don't want your little homeys to know that you sleep on geeky, action hero sheets hand over that marker, pronto! Much love, bro.

Peace.

M
-Dogg! We're waiting for you to start the video.

Yo, M
-Dogg, there's a place right here for you on the couch, buddy.

Okay, what's the deal? Why are you all calling me M
-Dogg? Oh, we decided as a family to honor your decision.


-Really?
-Really.

except from now on, instead of "Dad" you'll refer to me as "D.

D.

" And you'll call me "Mew
-mew.

" At all times.

We're D.

D.

and Mew
-Mew.

Just like when you were two, and you were trying to say "Mommy" and "Daddy.

" It was cute! Cool! All the time? Not just in the house but in front of my friends and stuff? Oh, man! No fair.

Why can't I just call you "Mom and Dad" again? Well, we just made a choice.

Just like you.

Oh, shh, movie's starting.

But what if? Shh! Shh
-Hello?
-Hey, how's your, uh, brain project coming? Oh, just finished.

How's your project? Great.

I really got into it.

It's the best thing I've done all semester.

Now, what does that mean to you Lizzie McGuire? Um nothing? No, it means you're going to turn in my project with your name on it.

I can't stand the thought of doing all this work and getting a lousy "B.

" So, I want you to turn it in and get the A
-plus it deserves.

Beep, beep, beep.

Okay, back it up, here.

You want me to put my name on your project? Yeah.

You might want to bring a seven
-volt battery and any extra insulated wiring you have lying around.

Uh right.

Okay, Gordo, so does this mean you're going to turn in my project?
-Sure.


-Gordo, I don't know if I'm up for this.

I'll have to think about it.

I'll talk to you tomorrow.

B
-But Hey, Lizzie.

Let me see your brain project.

Oh.

Hmm, fancy.

I don't know how all this brain science is going to help me achieve natural
-looking highlights for my clients at the salon.

Yeah, well, I figured out a way to get out of the whole Navy SEAL thing.

From now on if anyone asks, I can't swim.

Oh, come on, Miranda.

We took lessons together.

There are witnesses.

You wouldn't get back in the water till they made Shelly Grossbart stop having accidents in the pool Okay, I can swim but the Navy doesn't have to know that.

Capisce? Hey, guys.

Where's your project? Oh, it was too big to fit in my locker so I stashed it in the custodian's closet.

This must be some project.

Well, some people might think so.

Others may only give it a "B" but what difference does it make? I don't need straight "As.

" I'm just going to be a blackjack dealer.

You only have to count to 21.

Fine, you win.

I'll switch projects with you.

You will? Excellent.

Come on, follow me.

Man, Gordo, this is one cool project.

What's this about you guys switching? Gordo doesn't think Mr.

Pettus will give his masterpiece the grade it deserves.

But if Lizzie hands in my little beauty Do you guys feel a blast of arctic wind from Sweden where they hand out the Nobel Prize? Now you're scaring me.

Okay, let's switch them and turn them in before I change my mind.

Okay, look each of these buttons turns on a section of the brain.

Be sure that you only turn on one section at a time.


-Why?
-Because it'll overheat.

And what happens if it overheats? I don't know, but it can't be good.

Lizzie, do you really think that Mr.

Pettus is going to buy that you built that? Why wouldn't he? I mean, my name's on it.

A "C"? That chart is definitely a B
-plus.

I should know, I get "Bs" in everything.

You don't get the "C"; I do.

It could have been me.

Miss McGuire, this is by far the best work you've done in class all semester.

I'm impressed by how much you've applied yourself.

This is what an A
-plus looks like, people.

Suddenly it occurs to me maybe I haven't thought this whole switching
-projects thing through.

Are you considering a career in neurology? Neurology? Neurology? How about cosmetology? This brain is mine.

Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.

I built it
-
- every lobe, every fissure.

Me, yo, moi.

While everyone else was at the water park trading Beanie babies I was slaving away like Igor and I can prove it.

If you touch this button, the temporal lobe lights up.

The temporal lobe controls your sense of hearing.

I have great hearing.

I know this because I'm the only one in this class who hears your lectures.

Now, hold on And this one turns on the occipital lobe.

The occipital lobe controls your sense of sight.

Because of this lobe, you saw someone else's name on my project and gave away my A
-plus to Madge the cosmetologist over there.

Hey! And this area is the frontal lobe.

The frontal lobe controls higher intellectual functions and reasoning.

For example, right now my frontal lobe is telling me that I'm getting the shaft in this class
-
- that I'm not getting the grades I deserve.

It's telling me that that the Man is trying to keep me down and that everyone is against me.

Your brain is heating up.

No not your brain.

Your brain model.

Oh, that's just probably because I didn't have a big enough capacitor and all the lobes aren't supposed to be on at the same time.

Class dismissed.

Not you.

Chop
-chop, Miss McGuire.

We'll talk about your plagiarism later.

Plagiarism? That's what it's called when you turn in someone else's work and try to call it your own.

But I didn't I didn't do it.

I
-I didn't mean it.

I was just trying to help a friend.

Um.

.

is it too late to take the Fifth? I can't hear a thing.

I can't either.

Hey, maybe we could hear through that.


-Give me a boost.


-Okay.

Look, Mr.

Pettus, it was my fault that Lizzie McGuire handed in my project.

I was just trying to prove that it's impossible for me to get a fair grade from you.

Is that what you think? Did you just miss my one
-man show? All right, Gorda, it's clear Gordo.

Gorda's the big girl from E.

S.

L.

Okay.

I may misspell your name but I know your first project this year was an A
-minus
-
- the rain forest terrarium.

My first and only A
-minus.

Yes, because your second project wasn't quite as good and neither was the one after that.

I'm sorry, I just didn't see the point in breaking my neck all year and not getting an "A.

" You're supposed to be breaking your neck.

I've been giving you "Bs" to keep you from just sitting back and coasting.

I've not been coasting.

I worked two weeks straight on that brain project.

You see? My technique's working.

You're not tall enough! Maybe you're not tall enough.

Maybe I have your life in my hands.

Good point.

Stretch! I don't usually pull this sort of stunt but Gordo's in trouble and it's partly my fault and when I was younger, I did climb a pretty mean tree.

So if I had put my name on the brain what grade would you have given me? Well, I'd have to take points off for the expl*si*n.

Understood.

But it's still an A
-plus.

I know a student's best work when I see it.

This is insane! Make of it what you will.

Well, if you think bad grades motivate me then why didn't you just expel me? Maybe then I'd get my Ph.

D.

If you had a student with the potential to do anything how would you keep him motivated? "Potential to do anything"? You may want to rethink that.

According to the Career Aptitude Test I'm just going to be a blackjack dealer.

Listen, when I took that test the result said I was most suited for a career in animal husbandry entertainment.

What kind of career is that? Do you know what an rodeo clown is? Look, Mr.

Gordon I'm not trying to limit you to dealing blackjack or getting "Bs.

" I'm hoping your reach will always exceed your grasp, thereby elevating you and fulfilling your extraordinary potential even outside the gaming industry.

Let me get on your shoulders.

Oh, good.

After our last try the smart thing to do is climb even higher.

Yes.

Come on.

Stretch.

Got it.

Hi.

Hi, Gordo.

What's up? So what happened? Are you getting an "F"? I'm not sure, but Mr.

Pettus doesn't hate me and I can probably get an "A" by the end of the semester.

My lobes hurt.

I need to think about this.

Oh, and by the way, we were wrong about the Career Aptitude Test.

It's not a job
-placement thing.

We're just supposed to be trying a lot of different stuff on.

Trying what on? I think it's like when you go to the mall to try on bare
-midriff stuff that you know your mom will never let you get but you have to try it on to see how it looks, you know, to get it out of your system.

I have to say I'm relieved.

I'm not going to rule out cosmetologist but it's nice to know My options are still open.

Plus, hair spray kind of makes me dizzy.

M
-Dogg, honey do you see your father wearing a baseball cap to the table? No.

So, at the table, your do
-rag, is a don't
-rag.

Please take it off until after dinner.

Thank you.

M
-Dogg, cheese me, please.

Could you pass the garlic bread, please, Dad? I mean pass the bread, please, D.

D.

Oh.

Sure, M
-Dogg.

Yo, bread.

Lizzie, marinara? Hey, guys Hey! Stop! Hey! If I take back my old name can I call you Mom and Dad again? Absolutely.

Yes.

Then I guess you can call me Matt.

I give Mom and Dad props for that one.

They convinced Matt to take back his name without humiliating him, and the whole time they respected his boundaries as an individual.

As my mother likes to say, Matt was blissfully clueless which is kind of what Mr.

Pettus was doing to Gordo which makes me wonder what kind of Jedi mind tricks are my parents and teachers working on me? Oh, well, I pretty much trust them.

Maybe I'm better off not knowing.

By WaitinZ Made for Sis Hold your head up a little bit.

Good.

Here we go.

Um, um, um, Brad, Brad, Brad.

Go have fun.

Sit in it.

I'll bet that was fun.

You all right? Yeah.

I'd rather be a horse.

Mr.

Pettus just hates me I had to sneeze.

Okay, cut.

From now on, instead of Dad you're going to refew to me as Doo
-Doo.