01x31 - Gordo's Bar Mitzvah

[bunniefuu]

Look, all I'm saying is if they're going to go to the trouble of remaking a classic movie I agree with you.

They should've at least used real apes.

Ooh, good Lizzie, you're here.

You almost missed it.

Almost missed what? Ethan Craft.

He's he's Is today the day? Is this, like, one of those girl things that I'm not going to get? Or even care about? Actually, it's an Ethan thing.

It's a known fact that all the boys in Ethan's family get dirt bikes when they're 14.

So what? So so look at him.

Oh, to be that helmet.

Ladies Oh he's moresomething than usual.

He is.

He so is.

It's like he's Ethan, only more.

And better.

Yeah.

Okay, what am I missing here? Excuse me.

Pardon me.

Hot coffee.

Coming through.

I don't see any coffee.

No, but the expression parts a crowd like Moses.

So what's all the hubbub?
-It's Ethan.


-He's all grown up.

Oh, yeah.

Larry, why are there teeny bits of tissue all over your face? I started shaving.

Why? This isn't a one man town, you know.

There's plenty of room for the both of us.

Oh, and you, too, Gordo.

Huh? Uh, nothing.

Hasta luego.

May the force be with you.

And peace out.

I don't get it.

Tudgeman starts shaving and suddenly he thinks he's all that.

It does kind of mean something, Gordo.

What, he can raid his father's medicine cabinet? Gordo, shaving is a sign of maturity.

Maturity? It's Tudgeman.

I don't know.

Must be something in the water.

I mean, first Ethan, now Lar You're not actually going to use Ethan and Larry in the same sentence, are you? You just did.

Look, Gordo maybe they're you know growing up a little faster than you are.

I don't even know how to respond to that.

At last, after years of conversation I finally stumped him! Look, Gordo, don't worry.

I'm sure you'll start shaving.

Someday.

Come on, let's go see what Ethan looks like up close.

Not even a good
-bye? If you believe We've got a picture
-perfect plan We've got you fooled 'Cause we only do the best we can And sometimes we make it And sometimes we fake it But we get one step closer each and every day We'll figure it out on the way.

Lizzie McGuire S01E31 Gordo's Bar Mitzvah Hey, Gordo.

Elizabeth.

Elizabeth? My mom doesn't even call me that when she's mad at me.

The name's Lizzie, David.

And how are you this fine afternoon, Miss Sanchez? Are you feeling okay? I'm being sophisticated.

No, you're being annoying.

Yeah, you're right.

I can't even pretend to be a grownup.

I'm going to be a kid forever, aren't I? Okay, a little help here.

Gordo's usually the one with all the answers.

Gordo, look, there are tons of kids around here.

Yeah, and if there weren't it'd be really weird that we're all still in school.

I just can't believe that my parents left such a crucial decision in my hands.

What decision? When to become a man.

Okay, I'm Jewish, right? Well, traditionally, in my religion when you turn 13, you have a Bar Mitzvah.

A bar? Like, where you drink and stuff? At 13? No, it's a ceremony.

You start it as a child and when you're finished, you're a man.

Ooh, that must take a really long time.

No, only about a half an hour.

You read from the Torah and Okay, you lost me again.

It's the Bible, the Jewish version.

So you read from the Torah and you sing some prayers and you give a little speech and then you have this huge party where they give you tons of money and gifts and stuff.

People give you money? And you didn't have one? Well, my parents didn't push me.

When they were kids, they didn't have a choice.

They wanted me to come to the decision on my own.

And now I totally missed the window.

Open up! Open up! Beaucoup bucks are at stake.

Didn't you want a bar mitzvah? I guess I didn't see the point.

Like a half hour ceremony would turn me into a man? Who cares? We're talking about money.

Maybe you're like Peter Pan.

Doomed to be a boy forever.

Ooh, clap if you believe.

Tinker Bell? Hello? Personally, I don't see the big point in growing up anytime soon.

I mean, we can't drive, we can't vote.

Where are all the perks? Exactly.

And 13 is kind of young to be considered a grownup.

In my culture, you have to be 15.

We have a ceremony, too.

A Quincenera.

Ooh, do they give you money? I'm not sure but lots of music and great food, though.

Speaking of which, I'm starved.

That's always a good sign you're feeling better.

Please, I think about food constantly.

Me, too.

Food, bringing people together everywhere.

L'chaim.

I'll get it.

Hey, handsome.

Hey there, beautiful.

That's better.

Hey, Mrs.

Robinson.

Matt, what did you do this time? It's all a misunderstanding.

He was stealing oranges from my tree again.

Is this true, Matt? Well, "stealing" is such a strong word.

Get in the house right now.

It's the third time this week.

Fourth.

Fourth time this week that he climbed into my garden crushed my rhododendrons and took that which did not belong to him.

It's criminal! I'm very sorry, and it won't happen again.

That's what you said yesterday.

Boys will be boys, huh, Mrs.

Robinson? Thank you.

We will take care of it, Mrs.

Robinson.

"Boys will be boys?" What's the big deal? I mean, she's got about a million oranges on her tree.

So I sold two maybe three dozen.

You did? You did what? Hey, I would've split the profits with her but she seemed so angry.

Can you blame her? Can you? He said he was going to split the profits with her.

Sam! Don't steal oranges.

Okay.

See? All better.

That's all you're going to do about it? Yes? No? Maybe? What was the question again? I don't believe this.

It's like I have two boys to discipline.

Can I be excused? This stuff is getting kind of heavy.

Sure.

You're excused.

'Cause you know what? I'm going on strike.

From now on, you're in charge, Dad.

Cool! Yeah, when Matt's school calls which they will when the neighbors complain which they will when Lizzie screams "Mom!" which she definitely will take those as your cues.

'Cause they're all yours.

Yeah, but And if you need me I'll be soaking in the tub.

Guess it's just me and you, Pops.

Orange? Thanks.

Later.

Ooh.

Hey, guess what? What? You know how I was bummed out yesterday about the whole ceremonial
-rites
-of
-passage
-growing
-up
-being
-a
-man thing? No, what are you talking about? Come on, this is serious.

Really serious.

He didn't even get my sarcasm.

Sorry, go ahead.

Well, after school, I went on this quest.

I wanted to see how my brothers in the adult world became men.

You have brothers? I mean in the philosophical sense.

I spoke to a bunch of guys.

You know, interviewed them.

It was very enlightening.

I even recorded it for posterity.

Ooh, can we see? After high school.

I needed some direction, some purpose.

So what'd you do? And I asked my father for a driving lesson.

We painted our faces for the Super Bowl.

I was blue.

He was orange.

Da' Bears! One day, my father took me to the lake.

He said, "Son, today you will catch your first fish.

And in so doing, today you will become a man.

" How old were you? I was 16.

That is the day I became a man.

My first tattoo.

I caught it with my bare hands.

Never has a fish tasted so good.

Or the way Walter Payton cried when they won the game.

It was a beautiful thing.

Yeah, because they were man enough to be that way in front of millions of people.

Plus, the chicks really dig them.

Anyway, I paid for the light pole so, you know, it was a lesson in responsibility.

And that pretty much was when I became a man.

I now know what I need to do.

Are you going to say tattoo parlor? That's so gross.

I'm so there.

I can always count on you, Miranda.

You guys are not serious.

You're right.

I'm Gordo.

I'm about to become a man.

When I grow up to be a man Will I dig the same things that turned me on as a kid? Will I look back and say That I wish I hadn't done what I did? Will I joke around Ooh, still joke around And still dig those sounds Ooh, still dig the sounds When I grow up to be a man All I'm saying is I thought the tattoo of the flower was pretty.

Not exactly manly, but Well, apparently, neither am I.

Look, Gordo, one of the great things about you is you do things on your own time not when everybody else does.

Yeah, what's the big rush in growing up anyway? I just want to know when it happens.

I mean, where's my moment? I can't shave yet, I don't have a dirt bike.

The tattoo was obviously not for me.

I can't even catch a fish.

How am I going to know when I'm no longer a boy? I guess you'll just know.

That's not good enough.

You guys will know when it happens.

It's biological.

Ooh, creepy.

Let's not go there.

Never mind.

I guess it's a guy thing.

You guys just can't understand.

Gordo, we're trying to understand.

I'd better go.

It's getting near my bedtime anyway.

That was a joke.

I may still be a kid, but I don't actually have a bedtime.

We knew that.

I didn't.

What's his rush? Girls mature faster than boys anyway.

Hey! That means me first.

Me! Me! Me! Matt I thought we said no more video games.

It's part of your punishment, remember? I thought that was yesterday.

You said that painting Mr.

Nelson's lawn green was an improvement over the dead grass and weeds that usually grow there.

And you were punishing me to, I think you said "prove a point.

" He's just joking, honey.

Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

Were you guys talking? You just got yourself three weeks of kitchen cleanup, mister.

What? What for? For making me look bad in front of mom.

That's so unfair.

Is not.

Is, too.

Is not.

Is, too.

Is not.

Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? Sam! Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? Ya chalk it on that one, ya chalk it on this one Ya chalk it on your mother and ya chalk it on your father Ya chalk it on your brother and ya chalk it on your sister Ya chalk it on that one and ya chalk it on me Bad boys, bad boys Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? Bad boys, bad boys Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? You're too bad You're too cool You're too bad You're too cool, yeah Bad boys, bad boys Your behavior your attitude, are just so bad.

I really I don't know what I'm going to do with you, Matt.

Be Zen
-like.

Do nothing.

That is exactly the attitude I'm talking about.

What would your mother do in this situation? What is the situation exactly? Well, you put our garden hose in the Lippins' mailbox.

You decided you wanted to play "mudslinger" in the Dennises' yard, and you gave Cocoa a mohawk.

Hey, it was hot outside.

I thought I was doing Cocoa a favor.

All right, that's it
-
- go to your room.


-My room?
-Yes.

That's it? That's my punishment? Hey, I'm just getting started.

Okay, so When do you think you'll be finished, then? That's it.

Go! Amateur.

Total amateur.

Just go.

Hi, honey.

Uh, Mom, can I talk to you about something? It's Sorry, I'm off
-duty.

Sam? Maybe you're better at this than at disciplining.

So what's up? Yeah.

Like I'm really going to talk to my dad about what's going on in my life.

Everything okay? Well, when he asks so nicely.

Yeah.

I saw you in Gordo's movie.

Oh, yeah? That come out okay? Pretty good.

Gordo still feels like a kid, though.

Yeah.

I remember what that feels like.

It feels light.

Light? I knew we didn't speak the same language.

You know, like eating an ice cream cone and it's dripping down the side of your hand.

Or you're playing baseball in the street and the sun's about to set.

Or staying up late just because it's fun.

Why else would you stay up late? Because it's the only time you have to eat your dinner.

Or pay your bills.

Or do your laundry.

But it's okay, because by the time you get to go to sleep you really feel like you've accomplished something for yourself and for your family.

It's a nice feeling.

I guess that's what it feels like to be grown up.

Sometimes.

Hey, uh What do you think Matt's punishment should be? What'd he do? Would you like to get an ice cream with me? I'd love to.

Good advice and ice cream? Maybe I should talk to my dad more often.

All I'm saying is I just don't understand why you guys left such an important decision up to me.

I'm just a kid.

Classic transference.

He's our son, Howard.

Let's not shrink him.

But he's blaming me because he didn't get Bar Mitzvah'd.

Oh, honey.

Okay, parents are always the easiest target.

It's just that you guys tell me how to do everything
-
- When to clean my room, when to do my homework.

When to clean my bellybutton for lint.

Not true, not at all.

Okay, maybe the last one, but that's about hygiene.

Sit down, David.

When you were six, and all the other kids were taking the training wheels off their bikes you told me you weren't ready.

I was made fun of, wasn't I? Yes, but that's not the point.

The point is you weren't ready.

But now I feel like I've missed out on something.

My Bar Mitzvah should have been a year ago.

It's too late now.

Why? I don't know.

'Cause I'm not 13 anymore? You're not 13.

But you've taken the time to search question and talk to your peers.

How do you know? Please, we're your parents.

Like we're not going to see every movie you make? David, trust yourself.

I think I'm ready.

Hey, Matt.

Wow.

You are really good at this cleaning thing.

Do I have a choice? It's the only punishment Dad keeps going back to.

What did you do this time? Overslept.

What do you mean you overslept? I woke up late this morning.

It was a total accident but does Dad care? Nope.

After this I have to mow the lawn and wash the car.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

All of that just because you overslept? Yup.

Watch your feet.

Okay, okay, okay.

Ha
-ha, ha
-ha.

Stop.

Matt.

You must have done something else.

Did you did you steal more oranges or, or give more doggie haircuts? Nah.

Dad's just really weird when it comes to punishing me.

I mean, I could do something totally by accident, like forget to flush the toilet and he makes me sweep the chimney.

Now, if I do something on purpose like, let's say, cut Lizzie's hair while she's sleeping You cut your sister's hair?! Hey
-hey
-hey, it's just a plan.

I need to work out the finer points.

Oh, my goodness, your father has no idea how to do this job.

Does that mean you'll start punishing me again? 'cause I kind of miss you, Mom.

Oh, honey, I miss you, too.

Can I stop cleaning now? Yeah, of course you can.

But because you told me your plan about cutting your sister's hair you're grounded until next week.

It's great to be back in business with you, Mom.

You look great.

Thanks, I wasn't sure what to wear.

I've never been to one of these before.

Have you seen Gordo? He's probably inside.

Think he's nervous? Knowing Gordo? Not a chance.

I'm so proud of our Miranda.

She's got such nice friends.

Oh, you're just saying that because Gordo put you in his movie.

No, really.

I know.

Come on.

I don't want to miss anything.

Hey, Matt.

Hold up.

Here.

Straighten up your tie.

Okay.

It looked better before.

Sorry, honey, I think this is my job, too.

Don't I ever do anything right? You make good pancakes.

Thanks.

And you picked me to be your wife.

Mmm I'll be going.

Hey, let's go watch Gordo grow up.

Wait.

Just because Gordo is going to be a man when this is all over do you think things between us are going to be different? Nah, I think he'll still be Gordo.

Which is exactly the way I like him.

Thank you all for coming to my Bar Mitzvah.

Today is important for a lot of different reasons but mostly because today I leave my childhood behind and become a man.

Now, the truth is, I could have marked this transition a million different ways and believe me, I considered most of them.

But I knew that whatever I did, it had to be right for me.

So I searched and I questioned and I heard lots of stories from many men.

Funny thing is, the person I learned most about was me.

And I realized that figuring out who I am was made easier by realizing who I'm not.

So why this Bar Mitzvah and not a tattoo? Or fishing? Or even a dirt bike? The answer is simple.

It's because this is what felt right to me.

Baruch atah adonay eloheynu melech ha'olam Asher bachar banu mikol ha'amim Venatan lanu et
-torato Baruch atah adonay notayn hatorah Those clothes are funny.

Elizabeth? Very funny, guys.

All I'm saying is if they're going to go to the trouble and Why are you laughing? I'm sorry.

I love you.

I have feelings for you, too.