02x32 - My Dinner With Mr. Dig

[bunniefuu]

I don't know about you guys,

but I am ready for a nap.

Me, too. I don't get this.

Isn't lunch supposed to give

you energy?

I miss kindergarten.

Nap time?

What? I thought we were

all on the same page.

[CHUCKLES]

Afternoon, people. [CHUCKLES]

Now that's a meal

that would energize me.

You think so, huh?

But when fast food is all you eat,

your energy kind of evens out.

The only thing you eat is fast food?

Oh, breakfast, lunch and dinner.

-You're my hero.

-Why? Cooking's great.

I'm no good at it, but I wish I was.

I can't even microwave popcorn

without burning it.

So, you never eat

like a home-cooked meal?

When my mom sends me care packages,

I do, yeah.

Mr. Dig, that's just wrong!

You need to take care of yourself.

You need to eat

three proper meals a day

and you need to eat meals that have

all your major

food groups represented.

Uh-oh. Did I just sound

like my mother?

I'm too young for that.

You know, I had a great dinner

at Lizzie's last night.

Your mom makes the best meatloaf.

Meatloaf?

Your mom makes meatloaf?

[CHUCKLING]

That's one of my favorites!

Yeah, Lizzie's Mom's a great cook.

Way better than my mom.

Why do you think we spend

so much time at your house?

Uh, the company?

Compared to the good eats,

the company is secondary.

[SCOFFS]

If I didn't like him so much,

I'd hate him.

Well, Mr. Dig, I'm sure my mom

will not mind cooking dinner for you.

When should I be there?

Did I just invite Mr. Dig to dinner?

But you're not supposed to see

your teachers outside of school!

It's like seeing Santa in blue jeans.

Um, I'll ask my mom

and get back to you.

What? Who said that?

'Cause I know it wasn't me.

[BELL RINGING]

Oh, there's the bell.

Don't want to be late.

-What were you thinking?

-Inviting our teacher to dinner?

[SIGHS]

That's what I'm trying to figure out.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

Okay, so even though

Mr. Dig is my favorite sub,

I should never have

invited him to dinner.

But since I did, you guys have

to be on your best behavior.

Does that mean I shouldn't sing?

Oh, I love it when he sings.

Since when do you sing, Dad?

Well, rarely, because I'm always

on my best behavior.

Lizzie, don't worry.

We are not that weird.

Well, speaking of weird.

Trust me. I've got too many problems

of my own to be worrying about yours.

Good. That means no burping, belching,

or making funny faces during dinner.

Okay, I can cut back

on the funny faces, but...

I don't always have control

over the burping and...

[BURPS LOUDLY]

...belching.

And I don't always have control over

when I'm going to crush you.

Okay, seriously, Matt. Please.

This is really, really

important to me.

I just want to get through

dinner tonight

as fast and painlessly as possible.

You know, I want to get through

the school year the same way.

Tsk. Guess we're both

out of luck, huh.

-[PHONE RINGING]

-That's Miranda. I'll get it upstairs.

Matt?

-[PHONE RINGING]

-Something wrong at school?

It's my teacher, Ms. Chapman.

You know, she used to be so nice

and friendly,

but now, it's like

she's in a bad mood all the time.

-What do you mean?

-Well, she piles on the homework,

gives us a time out

if we forget to raise our hand.

She made Lanny stay after school

just because he threw away his gum

the wrong way.

What's the right way?

It's supposed to be neatly folded

in a gum wrapper

or a tissue or something.

Otherwise, it just sits there...

...bald, shriveled,

staring at you.

At least, that's what she says.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

You just hang in there, son.

Maybe her bad mood will go away.

Women are funny that way.

-Hey!

-What? Aren't you?

-Yeah.

-See?

Just keep the conversation moving.

You don't want any lulls.

They can be dangerous.

Yeah. Awkward pauses

make people say really stupid things

they wouldn't ordinarily say.

[CHUCKLES] Okay, so no lulls.

And don't let your parents show him

any of your baby pictures.

Oh, and don't let him see your room.

And whatever you do,

don't let him out of your sight.

If left alone with anyone

in your family,

they can reveal your deepest,

darkest secrets.

I don't have any deep, dark secrets.

At least none that they know about.

Okay, this is not helping, you guys.

This situation is beyond help.

Yeah, you're pretty much doomed.

Note to self:

Get two new best friends.

Okay. He should be here,

like, any minute.

[SNICKERS]

[MATT LAUGHS]

What? Do I have something in my teeth?

No. Not your teeth.

Mom, can you do something about him?

-Matt.

-I didn't do anything!

Now, let's keep it that way.

You know, honey,

this stuff is really good.

-Dad!

-Honey, accidents happen.

-Here, let me help you.

-Yeah?

-Come on.

-All right.

-[JO SCREAMS]

-SAM: Hey, hey!

-JO: Ouch! [SCREAMS]

-SAM: I got it. I got it.

Get away from me!

-I got it.

-[JO GASPS]

-Okay.

-[SIGHS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You want to get that?

[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]

Oh, this can't be happening.

[WATER DRIPPING]

-Hello.

-Hello.

Um...

I brought pecan pie.

Pecan pie?

I love pecan pie.

It's one of my favorites.

Mine, too, but maybe I should have

brought towels and a stain remover.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah.

Come on in. I'm Jo.

This is my husband, Sam.

-Hi.

-Our son, Matt,

-and of course, you know Lizzie.

-[CHUCKLES]

Digby Sellers. Pleased to meet you.

Digby Sellers?

No. You're Mr. Dig.

Mr. Dig!

Lizzie, nice to see you.

You've got a little something

stuck to your shoe there.

-[MATT LAUGHS]

-I do?

-[ALL CHUCKLING]

-[LIZZIE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

I do.

Is it time for him to go yet?

So, listen, we can get cleaned up,

but maybe,

Matt, you can take Mr. Sellers around,

show him the house?

Please, please.

Please call me "Digby."

-Digby?

-Okay.

And you can call me mortified.

Okay, Digby.

Let's start with Lizzie's room.

[CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

He had a tour of your house?

We did, and trust me, Gordo, it was

totally disastrous in the beginning.

Then having Digby at my house

wasn't so bad after all.

Who is Digby?

Wait, did you just call

Mr. Dig "Digby"?

That's so wrong.

Gordo, I told you. It was not

as bad as I thought it would be.

Plus, my parents were totally normal

for a change.

And he and my dad formed this bond

over some old rock band

that I'd never heard of before.

Uh-oh, music can be a pretty

strong connection.

Lifelong friendships can be formed

just because two people

like the same song.

Gordo, it was just something

they had in common.

It's not like my dad and Mr. Dig

are going to become friends now.

Then, what's your dad doing here?

Huh?

That's a question

definitely worth repeating.

Dad, what... What are you doing here?

Lizzie, I am really glad I found you.

-Dad, is something wrong?

-Not at all.

But you and Mom

never come to my school

unless I accidentally

left my lunch at home

and that hasn't happened since,

like, fourth grade!

No, I... I was going crazy

looking for this CD

that Digby and I were

talking about last night.

And guess what?

I found it.

It was wedged right in my car seat.

How cool! Now, don't you have

somewhere to be? Like work?

Not really. I really need

to find Digby, though,

because I think

he'd like to hear this.

And I'd kinda

like to hear you leaving.

Um, why don't you try

the teacher's lounge? It's that way.

Thank you, David.

Oh, Lizzie, by the way,

I am so glad you introduced us,

'cause he's really a cool guy.

Yeah, sure, Dad. Oh, my...

What? That is the worst thing

I've ever heard.

See you at home. Hey, Digby!

The planets must be misaligned

or something.

Mr. Dig's at your house,

your father is here.

It's not normal.

What can I say?

Gordo is totally right, as usual.

Okay, there is no way Ms. Chapman

can be mean to me today.

I am wearing green.

Green is supposed to make people...

[BREATHES HEAVILY] ...happy.

Why didn't anyone send me that memo?

What does red mean?

[GASPS] Okay.

You're on your own, Matt.

Morning, class.

Please take everything off your desks,

except for a piece of paper

and write your names

in the upper right-hand corner.

Melina. Melina, hey!

Can I borrow a pen?

Mine kind of ran out of...

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Hello.

Is this the way we behave

during a pop quiz, Matthew?

By talking and disturbing

your neighbors?

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

I was just hoping to borrow a pen,

'cause, you see, mine ran out of ink.

-[MATT SCRIBBLES]

-Oh, Matthew.

Matthew, Matthew, Matthew.

Please call me "Matt."

Well, Matt.

I hate to do this,

but, due to your lack of preparation

and responsibility,

you've turned our pop spelling quiz

into a pop vocabulary quiz.

[ALL GROANING]

Is this a zoo or a classroom?

[CHUCKLES] That's what I thought.

Now, your first word

is "responsibility."

Spell it correctly

and write it in a sentence.

Miranda, you were so right

about the facial thing.

I feel so much better

about my dad and Mr. Dig.

In fact, I even feel like it's okay.

Excellent. Now, while the mask

is drying and tightening your pores,

now is a good time to eat.

-Ice cream is good.

-Why ice cream?

I don't know, but it sounds good,

though, doesn't it?

Hey! Whatever you're eating in there,

save some for me.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

-Oh, Hi, Lizzie.

-Miranda, I'll call you back.

Yeah, please.

Mr. Dig, what are you doing here?

Hey, Digby, hurry up.

The game's gonna start.

Lizzie, you got some

gunk on your face.

As if I don't know!

I'm cleaning my pores!

Good night, honey.

Have fun cleaning, Lizzie.

[GASPS AND GRUNTS]

That's it! My father and my teacher

cannot be friends anymore,

interfering in my life.

I can't believe Ms. Chapman

didn't make me wear a hat today.

You weren't late,

you weren't unprepared

and you didn't talk

without raising your hand first.

Hmm. I must be having an off day.

I don't know how I'm going

to make it through the school year.

I know. I mean,

the homework alone is t*rture.

I asked my mom

the other night for help,

but she said she didn't learn calculus

till college!

Hey, you know what

Clark Benson told me?

-What?

-That Ms. Chapman

gets to school at : a.m.

And then she leaves, like, really,

really late at night every single day!

What does she do here for so long?

That's easy. She figures out new ways

to make our lives miserable.

-She needs a hobby.

-What she needs is a life.

Or at least more friends.

-Mmm.

-Hmm.

Actually, that's not a bad idea.

Man, have these birds

got it made or what?

Oh, you're telling me? They're getting

room and board for free!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

No! It's not fair.

Mr. Dig got home

from school before I did.

That's it. I am for

Operation Break-Up.

Hey, do you want a soda or something?

Hey, you've got your hands full.

I'll get it.

Miss McGuire.

Shouldn't you be doing your homework?

And to add more fuel to my fire,

I don't need a homework monitor.

Oof!

I'm just joking!

You want a soda?

Hey, it's my soda to offer. Not yours.

No, thanks.

-Hey, Dad.

-Hey, Lizzie.

Check out this bird house

Digby and I are making.

-Pretty sweet, huh?

-Mm-hmm. All you need is cable now.

So, Dad,

you and Digby have been spending

a lot of time together.

Yeah, I know.

He is so much fun to hang out with.

Well, don't you ever miss

doing stuff by yourself?

-Like what?

-You know,

like painting those lawn gnomes

that you like so much,

or doing crossword puzzles

or roller disco.

-Roller disco?

-Yeah.

I saw those pictures of you and Mom

when you first met.

[CHUCKLES]

Honey, that was a real long time ago.

What about those two friends of yours?

You know, the ones

that have that chimp?

I haven't seen them around in a while.

Oh, Jeremy and David?

They're off on vacation with Fredo.

Here we go. Cool and refreshing.

Hey, you staying for dinner?

Please say "no." Please say "no."

You know how much

I love Jo's meatloaf.

-Yeah.

-[DIGBY LAUGHS]

Oh, too bad. I think

we're ordering in pizza,

and I know how sick

you are of fast food, so,

I wouldn't blame you

if you didn't want to stay.

You know, actually I haven't had

a pizza in about a week.

-Slap on a few anchovies. I'm in.

-Hey.

Mom, can I talk

to you about some stuff?

Sure, sweetie.

What's going on with you?

You were so quiet

at dinner last night.

Well, it's hard to get

a word in edgewise

when Dad and Mr. Dig get started.

It's nice to see your dad

make a new friend though, isn't it?

Not really.

Actually, [SIGHS] that's what

I wanted to talk to you about.

I mean, I like Mr. Dig, a lot,

and I'm really glad that

he and Dad like each other,

but, sometimes...

Sometimes I just wish

that they weren't friends.

Oh, my gosh.

I can't believe

it didn't occur to me earlier.

This must be awkward for you.

I guess, I just thought because

you like Mr. Dig so much yourself...

And I do like him.

He's your favorite substitute teacher,

and I know I've heard you say

how cool you think he is.

And he is cool, Mom, but I just...

It was all so clear

before we started talking.

You know what?

I'm gonna talk to your dad.

Because our home

should be your sanctuary.

Yeah.

A place for all of us, all our friends

to feel very comfortable.

Our friends?

[SIGHS] Then I guess that means

Dad's friends, too.

Even if he is my substitute teacher.

I mean, you guys are okay

when Gordo and Miranda

come over here all the time.

Do you still want me to talk to Dad?

The only thing

harder than asking Mom for help,

is accepting that

Dad and Mr. Dig are friends.

I hate being so mature.

I'm not sure what I want right now.

[SMACKS LIPS] Well, you want me

to give you a ride to school

on my way to the market?

Your brother has invited

his teacher over for dinner tonight.

What? Why?

I don't know.

Well, just as long as he knows

what he's getting himself into.

[CHUCKLES]

Now remember, be nice to her,

compliment her, laugh at her jokes.

Matt, come on. If tonight is anything

like the night when we met Mr. Dig,

you have nothing to worry about.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

It's probably her.

Somebody answer it before

she has time to write a tardy slip.

Quickly!

I'll go.

-Sam?

-Yeah.

You've got something

on your tie again.

Oh... sorry, honey.

[SMACKS LIPS]

Matt, you know,

having your teacher over

for dinner could be dangerous.

But I want Mom and Ms. Chapman

to be friends like

Dad and your teacher.

No, you don't.

Yes, yes, I do.

He's young. He'll learn.

[JO LAUGHS LOUDLY]

My husband's always joking.

I wouldn't know.

I don't have a husband.

Thank you for coming to my house

for dinner, Ms. Chapman.

You're welcome, Matthew.

[CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHING] Matthew?

Um, I'm Matthew's

older sister, Lizzie.

Hello, Lizzie.

Uh...

Okay, here's a lull.

Gordo and Miranda said to avoid them

because someone might say

something embarrassing.

Matthew didn't stop sucking his thumb

until he was, like, five.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] My sister,

she takes after my dad

in the joke department.

Not very funny.

Well, I hope you're hungry.

We've got a ton of food.

I've got steak, potatoes...

Oh, I don't eat meat, or carbs.

Oh. Well, we've got lots of salad.

Is there dressing?

Yes. A vinaigrette. I make it myself.

I prefer it dry.

Well, I'll just make you

a new one then.

[SOFTLY] Ow!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get that.

Any excuse to get out of the room.

So, you're a teacher?

I'm friends with a teacher.

Actually, he's a substitute teacher.

Yeah, my sub, Mr. Dig.

Digby, actually.

Digby? What Digby?

Digby Sellers. You know him?

Yes! Well, no. It's been years.

He's the reason

why I went into teaching.

He had such enthusiasm,

such knowledge.

Do you see him often?

Please tell him I said "hello."

Tell him yourself.

It is you!

Jasmine!

Jasmine?

It's been a long time.

Too long!

I just came by to see my friend Sam

and give him back his CD.

Um...

Brought a copy of track three.

It rocks.

Cool.

Digby?

Yes, Jasmine?

I'm suddenly starving.

Well, that dry salad

will just take a minute to make.

-How does Chinese sound?

-Perfect.

-That is, if you don't mind.

-Not at all.

Hey, I thought we were

going to stay up

and watch sports highlights later.

Let him go, Sam. Let him go.

Matt?

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Yeah?

Don't worry about that extra homework.

I have a feeling

I won't have time to grade it.

Excellent.

Thank you for having me over.

Your home... No,

your entire family is just lovely.

Lovely!

Shall we?

[GIGGLING]

[GIGGLING]

Okay, what just happened here?

I don't know, but I think it was good.

Really good.

I got to go call Lanny.

And tell him

Ms. Chapman has a first name.

[CHUCKLES]

So, should I still talk to your dad?

Hey there, little gnome.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

On second thought, maybe

some of Dad's friends aren't so bad.

MALE CREW MEMBER: Test.

Well, this is our son, Matt,

[LAUGHING]

and of course, you know Lizzie.

-Matt. Yeah.

-MALE CREW MEMBER: Cut!

Where am I supposed to be looking?

You need to eat a... [GRUNTS]

You need...

Yeah.

-[OBJECTS CLATTERING]

-[LAUGHS]

Did... something wrong?

-What is it?

-What is it?

-[BANGS]

-Ah!

And the only answers

I can come up with

is just to break

Mr. Dad and my Dig up.

[CREW LAUGHING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]