Please sir!
For pity's sake, she's our only child!
Have mercy!
There is no mercy for the undead.
Honey, are you ok?
Yeah. Just uh, a bad dream.
Sounds like a real doozy.
You want to talk about it?
No, I'll be fine.
I'm gonna go check on Anastasia.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Oh Ok.
Anna-banana? It's still daylight.
Put your phone away
and get some shut eye.
You've got a busy night ahead.
Yes, Daddy.
Phone off. That's twice you're busted.
Ah, sh*t. Blood suckers.
Better watch it you don't end up
staking yourself in
the heart there, Count.
Oh, I'm not a Count. Chuck Belasko.
Doug Roach.
Vampire Americans, am I right?
Yeah, you betcha. How'd you guess?
You're sh1tting me, right?
I mean, you got the map of Transylvania
plastered all over your faces.
If you wouldn't mind cooling it
on the yard work?
Yeah, sorry, I guess
I lost track of time.
Didn't lose track so much as
you were following the rules.
Like the one that says your kind
sleep in coffins during the day.
During the sunlight hours,
that's correct.
Because if the sunlight hits ya,
you melt.
Decompose into a miasma putrid decay.
Also correct.
My wife lost her favorite
uncle that way.
Made a slight miscalculation
during daylight savings and uh-
I don't give a sh*t.
Oh, yeah. Speaking of the
missus, this is my wife, Helena.
- Countess?
- Professor.
Helena and I teach night classes.
At Horlicks.
- Yeah, department of
- Zoology.
Oh yes, this is our own little
ray of moonlight, Anastasia.
Goes by Anna. Anna-banana.
Alex
Mind your own.
Alright, well it was
Well, chin up.
He'll come around
once he gets to know us.
After all, we're the Belaskos.
- Yes, we are.
- Mmmhmm.
Bring it in for a family cheer.
A little pound.
- Bring it in.
- Yes.
- Ok.
- Here it comes.
Here we go.
Look who is up.
Good evening, sleepy head.
So, there is a 24-hour gym
less than a mile from here.
I was wondering if it would be
alright if I joined?
I can pay for it myself
with my babysitting stash.
Not yet.
We don't want you venturing off
until we get a proper feel
for the neighborhood.
Then what am I supposed
to do all night
while you guys are at work?
Well you've got your lesson plans.
Not to mention that phone that
you've got grafted to your hand.
You guys swore that Mapleton
would be different.
It is different.
This is a fully integrated
neighborhood.
So was the last one.
I f*cking hate being undead.
That is a little dramatic.
And it'll cost you a buck.
That's one diddly-dollar
in the cuss jar, young lady.
Mm, where do you think you're going?
Take a wild guess. f*cking nowhere.
My. Someone slept on the wrong
side of the coffin.
Oh sh*t!
Oh my god, oh my god!
Don't f*cking k*ll me!
I f*cking won't!
Jesus, dude! Take a chill pill.
What are you even doing over here?
Well, I saw you up on the roof
Yeah. Yeah, I know. I heard you.
You did?
Yeah. I hear everything,
whether I want to or not.
You're like a g*dd*mn super hero.
Nope, just a girl. Anna.
I'm Alex.
Do you mind?
Oh, yeah. Here.
Thanks.
It's, uh, nice to see
a friendly face, for once.
Yeah. But it's not gonna be
the last once school starts up.
Oh, it won't for me.
I'm home-schooled.
Oh, because of the whole
sunlight thing.
I'm a night owl myself.
I could give you a midnight tour
of the neighborhood
if you're up for it.
Wouldn't your father disapprove?
One hundred percent.
- What about yours?
- One hundred percent.
So, I'm not totally clear
on the rules.
Are you aloud to have ice cream?
Yeah. Yeah, when
I'm in the mood for it.
That's good.
Well, uh, Molly's floats
are to die for.
Oh, f*ck! sh*t!
I'm not trying to say
No, it's okay, Alex.
I know what you mean.
And it's no worries, you know?
A Belasko hasn't drank
human blood in over a century.
Not to mention that it's illegal
and totally disgusting.
Good to know.
They're open late on Saturdays,
so maybe we could go after dark?
Yeah. Maybe not.
Small town peeps can be
a little dickish.
Yeah. Big town peeps can too.
I swear, I just want to fly away.
Run away where they'll never find me.
Yeah, take me with you.
Deal.
So, this is the last stop on the tour.
Mapleton's version of Disneyland.
Uh, I'm about it. Yeah, I like it.
My mom, she used to take me here.
Yeah, I lost her
when I was seven, but
Oh, Alex. I'm so sorry.
How?
She had a back ticker.
You, you're lucky that you
never have to lose a parent.
Alex, that's a myth.
We die too, it just takes us
a little bit longer.
Oh no, don't!
Please don't.
I don't really come out
in pictures, it's
That's uh that's tragic.
I'll tell you what.
I'll be your mirror.
Oh yeah?
Yeah.
Ok. How do I look?
Well you look scalding.
You up for a free ride?
Yeah.
Hold on, it goes really
extremely fast.
Okay.
Well, I kind of feel like a wimp now.
Hold onto your vag*na. I got this.
- Hop on.
- Ok, alright.
Yeah.
What's with Anna-banana?
She's been skipping breakfast lately.
- Hm.
- She watching her waist?
More like the boy next door.
The roach kid?
Mmhmm. That scares me.
What's so scary about love?
It's not love that I'm afraid of.
They're never gonna accept us, Chuck.
No matter how hard we try to fit in.
Hate is thicker than blood.
I might need to do it.
Uh, woah, I think we just did.
No, not that.
I mean, the gift you know?
I wanna I wanna become like you.
You think it's a gift?
To never see a sunrise?
To be hunted and persecuted
wherever you go?
If that's what it takes
to be yours, then yeah.
You're already mine, dummy.
We're just on different time zones.
You know that thing
that you were saying about,
uh, like, running away?
Were you serious?
It's all I ever think about.
Where would you go?
Alaska.
Why? What's in Alaska?
Six months of continuous night.
So there.
And what would we do
for the other six months?
We could hibernate. Five times a day.
Dude, what the f*ck?
What are you doing?
Checking for hickies, stupid.
What do you think?
Still got your junk down there
or did your girlfriend
bite it off, huh?
Sick.
Me?
I'm not the one playing hide the
salami with a walking corpse.
Alex, son, you have no idea
what you are dealing with.
Like you do?
Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
You know, I never told you
how your mother actually d*ed.
Ten years ago, she was att*cked
by one of those things.
All the blood drained from her body.
But the nightmare didn't end
there, no sir.
It was just the beginning.
The night of her funeral,
your mother came home.
Little boy, let me in.
Mommy's so cold.
You know, I still see her
wearing the dress
that we buried her in?
She came for you, Alex.
Her only child.
So
I did what any man would do
and I drove a stake
through that thing's heart.
You k*lled my mother?
I released her!
Open it.
What am I supposed to do with this?
I think you know.
You would be doing that girl a favor.
She does not want
to be the way she is.
It is unnatural.
There is no mercy for the undead.
Destroy her, son, or someone
else will do it for you.
I'm not your f*cking son.
Doug Roach here.
You up for a little hunting excursion?
Yeah, getting the band back together.
Just like old times.
What are we gunning for?
Leaches. And they're looking to breed.
Hello, darling.
Anna!
Anna!
f*ck!
Make some noise when you
do that, please.
Boo. What is going on?
It's my old man.
Bad sh*t is about to go down.
We need to go now. Tonight, like now.
Alex, that's crazy.
I can't just leave,
what about my parents?
Oh, don't worry.
We'll be visiting them soon enough.
How did you find us?
There's a tracker
on your phone, stupid.
Hey, get that out of her face
or I'll stick it up your f*cking ass!
Alex!
- No!
- Alex!
Now look what you did.
Please, it doesn't have
to be this way.
You can just let us be.
Let you be? Why?
So your kind can pollute the world?
Not on my watch, sweetie.
We didn't start this w*r but
we sure as sh*t gonna end it.
Hold still.
I'll make this fast.
She can't be far, spread out.
Spread out.
You're all gonna die tonight.
Don't worry, I'll make this fast.
Oh god, Alex.
You're like a g*dd*mn super hero.
Alex, your heart.
We have to get you to a hospital.
I don't think I can look.
The sun's coming up, you have to go.
Shh, stop, stop, stop.
- No please, you have to go.
- Don't talk.
- You'll die if I go.
- You're gonna die if you stay.
Hey.
It's even more beautiful
than I imagined.
Please, please save him!
Alaska, okay?
I'm so there.
Hello?
What the hell is this?
I can't move my
Somebody better tell me what
the hell's going on around here,
and fast!
Look who's up.
Chuck, Helena.
I don't know what you think
you're doing
but you have about two seconds
to undo these chains
or I swear to god,
I will sue your asses
back to Transylvania.
We're not from Transylvania, Doug.
We're from Pennsylvania.
Oh, who
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You gotta be sh1tting me!
Oh sh**t. It's another blood sucker.
There goes the neighborhood.
Son Alex.
Undo these chains Please.
And infect our town?
No, no, no, no. Not that.
Show a little mercy.
There is no mercy for the undead.
No, no, no, no!
No, no, no, no, no, no!!!
Damn, why don't you leave
some drops for the rest of us?
We got more coming, let's move.
Oh, nice!
Dave, Dave, Dave
Hey, hey, hey! Check this out.
sh*t.
Sorry guys, my dad just came in
and totally broke my focus.
Hold on a sec.
Behold.
Sorry guys, I'll catch y'all
at school tomorrow.
Nice relic.
Woah, is this you?
Hey, your old man had the
highest score in the southwest.
I'd have won the national championship
if they hadn't have canceled it.
And for some reason they pulled
all the copies of the game
off the shelves and buried them
in the desert
and didn't tell anyone why.
Weird Wednesday. Sounds dumb.
Wait, Dad. Dad what are you doing?
You are gonna love it.
This game requires laser focus
and iron will.
It's a game that's not balanced
and not fair.
Brutal in its simplicity.
There's no way some old 8-bit clunker
is gonna be harder
than Sentinel Strike.
Ok, well you just watch.
So, what do you do?
You just gotta get across town.
That sounds terrible.
No, no, no. That's the beauty of it.
Simplicity.
You never know what
is going to k*ll you.
The newspaper, the raccoon
in the trash,
the toaster oven.
It could even be the lamp.
I mean, you have no idea
what is deadly.
So how do you win?
I don't know.
I mean, no player's ever reached
the final level before.
The competition was always high score.
Ok.
Now, just like riding a bike.
Ok, ok, you laugh,
but it's been 30 years
since I played this game, remember?
It's all coming back to me,
I just need to sharpen up a little.
Come on, let me try.
Oh! Oh, sh*t, this is hard.
Yeah, I told you.
Oh!
Ah, dang.
What does JEF spell?
Well, savor it while it lasts,
it's gonna be mine soon.
Did you see it?
No, what was on it?
It was like this weird little
drawing of the teacher.
Hey! You guys gotta try this old game.
What game? Is it any good?
No, it's the worst.
You're just this little 8-bit dude
and you have to dodge
flying toasters and stuff
but it's insanely hard.
Have you b*at it yet?
Oh, it's impossible.
No one's ever made it
to the final level.
Wait, I thought you said no game
is impossible to b*at?
Bet I can b*at it first.
So competitive, Reina.
You know, that's why I
broke up with you, right?
Oh, you broke up with me?
I don't remember that.
I remember you crying, a lot.
Yeah.
And the flowers.
Oh, and the love song.
Look out for the shovel!
I got it, I got it!
Oh!
You're doing great.
Savor it while it lasts, Dad,
that high score is gonna be mine soon.
No one can defeat me!
Oh, it's on. On like Donkey Kong.
Oh, that's the delivery guy,
I'll get it.
- Hey, Spencer.
- What's up?
Reina, it's good to see you.
Dave's down in the basement.
Hey, Mr. D. How're you holding up?
Ah, you know.
Taking it one day at a time.
So, tell me honestly.
How's Dave doing?
You should ask him that yourself.
Oh, I would, but he doesn't
exactly talk to me.
Maybe just give him some time.
Yeah.
Look, I'm really glad
that you guys stayed friends.
Yeah, me too.
Hey, what's up Reina?
I can't wait for you guys
to play this.
It's ridiculous.
Aw!
Death by mailbox. Brutal.
Hey, good try.
I know a little trick
to get past that level.
Oh, it's ok.
You can, uh, just show me later.
Ok, um, I'll be just upstairs.
Oh, ok. Bye, Dad.
How do you b*at that?
You'll get the hang of it. Here.
Yes! Oh my god. Yes!
- Are you ok?
- Boom! In your face!
I won. I won.
You just b*at the final boss?
No, I b*at you, Dad. I b*at you.
Woah, ok, woah, woah.
Son, you didn't win, you just
got the highest score.
But we still need to b*at it.
Dad, it's impossible.
It literally says on the game,
"Never beaten by a single player."
It's like a feature.
Yeah, well not yet.
This game has met its match
with this awesome father/son duo, huh?
Um, I think I'm gonna head to bed.
Uh
Check this out.
I got a console and a copy
of the game off eBay.
Seller listed it crazy cheap.
And it was cursed or something.
Like, the game m*rder*d her kids.
- Okay.
- So many whack-jobs on there.
And look, it came with a cheat code.
Oh, come on. You know cheater
wins don't count.
- Yeah, straight facts.
- Whatever. Oh, my gosh.
What's up?
Nothing, just my dad.
Aren't you going to respond?
Oh! Cold!
You know, your dad's pretty
cool, for a dad.
He's not cool. He's nice.
Still cuts the crusts off
my sandwiches.
They sound delicious.
They are, but like,
never lets me do anything.
Won't even let me take
my driver's test.
You're his baby and he's lonely.
Lucky me.
Hey, Reina can I borrow your system?
What? No way. I just got it.
Plus, I need to crush
Dave's high score.
Put him in his place.
Fair and square though.
Better not use that cheat code.
Like I'd need it.
Come on, let me borrow it.
You said you had to study
tonight anyway.
One night, nerd. One.
Hey, I missed you last night.
What'd you get up to?
Just chilling at Reina's.
You two getting back together?
She's great.
No, god dad.
We were just playing Weird Wednesday.
Are you ready to hunker down
for an all day, no-holds-barred
rematch with your old man?
I'll pass.
Hey, Dave, look. I'll make you a deal.
Hey, you b*at the game first,
I will take you to get your license.
What's the catch?
Well, if I win first,
you have to hang out with me
every Friday night.
Deal?
Deal.
Did you use the cheat code?
There's a new character
to choose from.
I didn't do anything.
He just showed up.
Kind of looks like Spencer.
That assh*le still has my console.
Oh, well I'll text him to bring
it when he comes over.
Thanks. What's up with this new guy?
It's like he doesn't want
to move or something.
Look at his face! So freaked out.
Come on dude, pick up.
Yo, Spencer, where you at, man?
Gotta come out to my house and
check out this new character.
Ugh!
The freaking squirrel flew
into my face.
Let me play.
Ah! Spencer's gotta see this.
Oh god. Every time.
It's the same thing every time.
Cheer up, take it.
Keep going, you got it.
- Ah!
- Oh.
Ahh
Oh man, what happened to the new guy?
This idiot is totally ghosting me.
Let's go get my console.
Dave, it's so good to see you.
Hey, Reina.
Spencer's not answering his phone.
Have you seen him?
Uh no, we haven't seen him.
We thought he was here.
He was playing some old video
game this morning
then he walked out
and didn't come home.
He borrowed my game system
actually, can I grab it?
Come on in, yeah.
Hey, if you see Spencer,
tell him to call me right away.
Moms worry.
Sure, no problem.
Spencer's not usually so MIA.
He's probably hanging out with Jessica
and just doesn't want his mom to know.
Probably.
I gotta get back to playing the game.
My dad's on some new forest level now
I've never even seen before.
It's probably getting close
to the final boss.
You know he just wants
to spend time with you, right?
Too much time.
If he wins, I'm stuck with him
every Friday night.
Woah.
Want some ice cream?
- Damn.
- Jeez.
I'm gonna go get some chips.
Come on.
f*ck it.
Alright.
What, what the hell?
Dave, why are you being so weird?
Are you on dr*gs? Dude, just sit down.
I can't. It's like someone's
controlling me.
No one is controlling you.
You have like, free will, you know?
It's not funny.
It definitely is.
What's up with the screen?
This some new mode?
I put in the cheat code.
Cheater!
The eBay seller said it
was cursed, right?
You believe every dumbass on eBay?
I do now!
You're so high.
Nobody wins this game. Ever.
Chill. I'll just turn off the power.
Ok.
Ah!
Don't ever do that again.
You're in the game! Oh, f*ck.
Dave, come back.
I can't!
Yeah.
Oh god.
I d*ed.
I think you respawned.
What happens when I run out of lives?
Oh god. Spencer.
He ran out of lives and now he's dead.
Don't run out of lives.
Reina!
Whoa!
Do something!
I don't want to die again.
It hurts.
Wait, if you're the player,
who's playing you?
Come on.
Come on, come on!
f*ck, f*ck!
Argh! Stupid Kn*fe store.
Oh god. Oh god, oh god.
Last life. In it to win it.
Final boss, here I come.
What?
Woah.
Ugh!
Ah.
Thank god. The new
character's actually Dave.
He used the cheat code,
got sucked into the video game,
and if you lose he'll die.
What?
Oh my god.
I'll unplug it.
No, trust me, that doesn't work.
We have to win.
Okay. Let's do it.
Two player?
Ok, I'm going in.
Mr. D, that's crazy.
You don't know what's gonna happen.
Well, I know that I have to try.
The game has never been beaten
by a single player.
But, if we work together,
we can b*at it.
Hey, pal.
The game is harder
than you thought, huh?
Hell yeah. I can move again.
Who's controlling me?
I was. We're in two player mode now.
You ready?
Let's do this.
Come on, guys!
Is that all you got?
Eat this, ET!
Dave!!!
Dad!
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
I'm sorry, son.
I just wanted to protect you.
I love you.
You can do this.
I love you too, Dad.
Son!
Come on!
Hey, Dad, we win.
Yes!
So, what's next, Mr. Driver's License?
Just home. Reina's coming over.
Oh, you know what?
Why don't you go pick her up?
Do something fun.
As friends, of course.
I'll walk home.
Hey, Dad.
Uh, wanna play ball tomorrow
or something?
Yeah. Yeah, I'd love that.