02x08 - Mermen

[bunniefuu]

(AMBIENT NATURE SOUNDS)

(LIGHT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING)

BLACKBEARD: For the
first time in my life,

I'm truly and fully present.

I used to view the sea
as a b*ttlefield.

But now I can appreciate
the bounty it has to offer

and all of the natural
beauty that surrounds it.

♪

I am but a humble wanderer
blessed with this feast.

No better than a heron,
or a blade of grass,

or some sand,

or, like... I don't know,
like, a wave or somethin'.

Even a single fish scale
holds majesty.

Mysterious beauty.

♪

(FATHER GROWLS)

(SON GRUNTS)

I'd like to give thanks...
to the spirits of the deep

for the wonderful bounty
that we caught today.

So many fish... and
without really even trying.

(BLACKBEARD CHUCKLES)

I'd also like to pay thanks to

these two simple fishermen before me

who have welcomed me
into their simple lives

and shown me their simple ways...

- Ow! Ah! Pop-Pop!
- (CLANKING)

- Call me simple again, I dare you!
- BLACKBEARD: Pop-Pop.

What? What have I done to offend you?

You don't work! You don't do anything!

You sit on your ass all day!

Oh, well, (STAMMERS)...
I just don't understand.

I'll work harder. I'll work faster.

- You have no skills!
- Well, you did say you could fish.

I said I caught a fish once.

Oh no, Pop-Pop, Pop-Pop,
come on. Pop-Pop! Pop-Pop!

- We are not simple!
- (INDISTINCT YELLING)

- Get off me, Pop-Pop.
- We aren't simple!

- One more time!
- Pop-Pop. Calm down, Pop-Pop.

- You calm down! You calm down!
- Calm down! Get off me, Pop-Pop!

You control your Pop-Pop.
Control your Pop-Pop!

Stop callin' me Pop-Pop!

Stop telling him what to do!

You ruined dinner!

BLACKBEARD: I'm sorry if I
offended you, Pop-Pop.

I was trying to say a nice thing. Here.

Here, just take it...
just take your plate.

Hold out your bowl.

Okay, here we go. Here we go.

Okay. Put some of,
of that fish onto yours.

(SPLATS)

Pop... Pop-Pop, I'm so...

Pop... Pop-Pop. Pop... Pop-Pop.

It's just a fish! It's just a fish!

(GRUNTS)

♪

FATHER: If you were
ever good at anything,

go and do that, you bum!

You guys are dicks!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(BIRDS CAWING)

(DOG BARKING)

LIEUTENANT: Destroying
the Republic of Pirates

and eliminating Zheng
and the Eastern thr*at

in one fell swoop.

Yes.

It was rather brilliant,
wasn't it? (LAUGHS)

Well, who'd have thought

little Prince Richard
could've pulled this off?

Anyone with half a brain.

SOLDIERS: (SINGING) ♪ Rule Britannia ♪

♪ Britannia rules the waves ♪

♪ Britain never, never,
never shall be slaves ♪

♪ Rule Britannia ♪

- ♪ Britannia rules the waves ♪
- Freshen your drink, sir.

♪ Britain never, never,
never shall be slaves ♪

- PRINCE RICKY: Again!
- SOLDIERS: ♪ Rule Britannia ♪

- ♪ Britannia rules the waves ♪
- SOLDIER: Watch your step.

(SOLDIER LAUGHS)

♪ Never, never, never shall be slaves ♪

(LAUGHING) Oh!

Hm, if it isn't the great Spanish Jackie.

You know, I should thank you

for making me the man that I am today.

Oh, which makes me think.

Where is my nose, by the by?

I would so love to see
the little fellow again.

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

Get the nose jar. Don't spill any!

ROACH: Here ya go. (GROANS)

PRINCE RICKY: Ah, yes. Disgusting.

Go on. Fetch it for me, please.

(SIGHS)

♪

You're quite brave to assume
the wine hasn't been poisoned.

I've got a contingency
for that. A taster.

THE SWEDE: (CRIES)
You want me to taste the...

- (FLIES BUZZING)
- STEDE BONNET: Zheng? Hello?

A farthing for your thoughts?

- (BELL RINGING)
- Morning time!

Morning time! Morning time! Morning time!

- (SCREAMING)
- (EXPLOSIONS)

You could try thanking me, by the way.

I did, uh, pull you to safety.

I pulled you to safety.

Did you? Well, don't wanna split hairs.

The main thing is we're alive.

(SIGHS) Who cares?

I failed. Auntie and my whole
crew are dead because of me.

Look, I've been a failure my whole life.

It's not so bad once ya get used to it.

Things have a, a way of working out.

At least for me.

- Don't touch me, Bonnet.
- Yeah, sorry. I tried to be...

It was affectionate, but,
uh, it was weird. It was weird.

- SOLDIER : Gems always.
- SOLDIER : Not always, I'd prefer...

Someone's coming. Zheng! Get up!

- (SOLDIERS CHATTERING)
- Come on!

Oop. What have we here?

Looks like a straggler.

- STEDE: Oh!
- (GRUNTING)

- (PUNCHES LANDING)
- Oh! Oh, no!

- Get off me! Get off me!
- SOLDIER: Ring him.

- Ring his legs.
- (PUNCHES THUDDING)

STEDE: You'll regret this! (GRUNTS)

Alright, genius. Jig's up.

- Or is it?
- Another trophy for Prince Richard.

- Let's take him to Jackie's.
- (SWORD SLICING)

- (SOLDIERS YELLING)
- (STEDE YELLS)

Hoo! (EXHALES)

Well, that went as well as I planned it.

Yeah, you really showed 'em, Bonnet.

Where you going?

To skin a prince.

Right. Well, let's not underestimate
the power of good planning.

Plans are useful.

- (BELL RINGING)
- (DISTANT SCREAMING)

(MUFFLED EXPLOSIONS, SCREAMING)

Stede.

STEDE: (YELLING) Help!

Oy, these are English waters.

(MUFFLED) No fishing.

Probably lost his hearing

when we blew the sh*t out the place.

Lousy, old fisherman...
(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)

(SOLDIER CHOKING)

- (BLACKBEARD GRUNTING)
- (CHOKING)

(BODY THUDS)

(SIGHS)

(WIND WHISTLING)

(PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING)

If you were ever good at anything,

go and do that...

(LOUD SPLASH)

you bum.

Okay, Pop-Pop.

Have it your way.

(SINGER VOCALIZING)

(SPLASH)

(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC SWELLS)

- (FOOTSTEPS)
- (FLIES BUZZING)

(COUGHING)

Hello, friends.

(PIRATES GRUMBLING)

This is bittersweet.

I mean, here we all
are at the end of piracy,

and you'll all be hung
in the next few minutes,

and all your stories
will be lost for the ages.

(PIRATE COUGHING)

Which is a shame because I do love

a good pirates' tale.

But don't you worry.

Because I will not be
hanging you by the thumbs

like that deranged Captain Kidd.

IZZY HANDS: That's not
what he did, you twat.

(PIRATES MURMUR)

Oh, my.

The great Izzy Hands.

And you're...

Pinocchio?

(PIRATES LAUGHING)

A new one.

Bring him upstairs.

SOLDIER: Sir, aren't we
going to hang them?

Oh, yes... but they're
not going anywhere,

so I have time
for a drink with a legend.

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Can't believe I have an audience

with the great Israel Hands.

That's absolutely astounding.

I've always thought you were underrated.

I mean, it's absurd, isn't it?

Isn't it? That Blackbeard,
he gets all this praise,

when you are quite clearly
the brains of this operation?

Ya don't know the first
thing about piracy, do ya?

PRICE RICKY: Don't I?

It's not about glory. It's not
about gettin' what you want.

It's about belonging to something

when the world has
told you you're nothin'.

It's about finding the family to
k*ll for when yours are long dead.

It's about letting go of ego
for something larger.

The crew.

Oh, my goodness. You've just
grown so tedious. (LAUGHS)

(GRUNTS) Brandy.

Here.

Nah, gimme the good stuff.

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

SOLDIER: You'll never
believe what I just found.

Listen to this.

"Dear Ed, I long for you."

STEDE: "Every day we spend
apart feels like an eternity.

"I know you don't
wanna hear from me,

"but I write these letters daily,

hoping one will reach you."

- "Hope that's okay."
- What's this, then?

Well, I found it in that bottle.

Apparently, some bloke's
all hot and bothered...

- (CLEARS THROAT)
- about a guy called Ed.

- (SOLDIER YELLS)
- (BODY THUDS)

BLACKBEARD: "And I
know we're not through."

- (NECK CRACKS)
- "I can feel it in my soul."

STEDE: "A love like ours
can't disappear in an instant."

BLACKBEARD: "We're
joined to one another.

Intertwined."

BLACKBEARD/STEDE: "We
wrote our names on each other

in permanent ink."

This is lovely.

(PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC INTENSIFIES)

(YELLS) You wrote me a lovely letter!

STEDE: Look, I know you're still upset

about the whole Ricky situation,

but we do need to be smart about this.

You don't need to do anything, Stede.

I can go die all by myself.

You can't do everything
on your own. You need help.

Your help is about as
good as no help at all.

Oh, I can do things.
I'm not a total loss.

- SOLDIER: (YELLS) Charge!
- Ah! Oh, sh*t! Let's go!

- We're gonna die together!
- sh*t. Speak for yourself!

(INDISTINCT YELLING)

(DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

SOLDIER: To guards! No, not you!

(YELLING)

(SWORDS CLANGING)

(GRUNTING, SWORDS CLANGING)

(YELLING)

(g*nsh*t ECHOES)

- STEDE: (YELLS) Ed!
- (GRUNTING)

(YELLS) Stede!

Ed!

Stede!

Go! (GRUNTS)

- ("I LOVE MY BABY" BY NINA SIMONE PLAYING)
- (GRUNTING)

♪ I love ♪

Stede!

♪ My baby ♪

STEDE: Ed!

♪ I've loved him
since he was born ♪

I'm sorry I was such a d*ck.

You weren't a d*ck. Life's a d*ck.

♪ Now, sweet baby ♪

I love you. I love you.

- I know... I know that.
- ♪ Is gone ♪

ZHENG YI SAO: (YELLS) Hey, guys!

(GRUNTING)

- Who's your friend?
- Oh. That's Zheng.

- She's super tough.
- ZHENG: (YELLS) Guys!

f*ck!

BLACKBEARD: Die, m*therf*ckers!

STEDE: For love!

- (GRUNTING)
- (PIRATES CHATTERING)

- (CLOTH RIPS)
- FANG: Oh, stop, stop! It's ripping!

- ARCHIE: Oh, sh*t.
- It's not strong enough.

- We need those trousers.
- No, thank you!

I love these jeans. Stop.

We need someone to pee on the shirt.

It wo... It won't tear if it's wet.

Oh, please no. I can't do that in public.

- (COUGHING)
- You alright down there, mate?

Sorry. I just gotta check you over.

(GROANING)

Oh, my God. Auntie!

- It's nothing.
- No. It doesn't look like nothing. Jim!

- (GROANS) I don't need help.
- Jim!

Look, it's just a surface wound.

- Jim.
- JIM: Hey, now what are we lookin' at?

She's lost a lot of blood.

- Okay.
- (CHUCKLES) I got plenty of blood.

- OLUWANDE: Oh!
- Ooh.

- (WINCES)
- Yeah. We gotta get that out.

Alright. In three, two, one.

- (OLUWANDE GROANS)
- Oh, sh*t, there you are. Sorry.

AUNTIE: Did they get Zheng?

JIM: I'm sure she's fine.

BLACKBEARD: Ya know, I've
gotta say, all of that swordplay

back there was very impressive.

Thank you. It-It was really cool

when you did that flip

- and you k*lled those guys.
- Oh, you saw the flip!

- Dude.
- I did some pretty amazing stuff, too.

I don't know whether you
caught a lot of it, but wow!

- I caught it. Yeah.
- Yeah?

It was incredible, babe.

The spinning around and stuff.

(OLUWANDE YELLS, WINCES)

Okay. Yeah, your hand's still strong.

- (AUNTIE EXHALES)
- That's really good.

Look, (SIGHS) I may have
misjudged you, aye?

I was just looking out for Zheng.

I mean... men have cost her too much.

But you're not a man.

You're soft.

She needed more soft in
her life and I see that now.

I see that now.

- I just don't do soft.
- JIM: Mm-hmm. A little sting.

OLUWANDE: Maybe just try soft?

- And...
- (OLUWANDE YELLS, WINCES)

- Okay!
- Shh.

- (OLUWANDE GROANS)
- Shh-shh.

- I don't do soft.
- You don't do soft?!

PRINCE RICKY: I destroyed
the Republic of Pirates,

and that makes me the ultimate pirate.

IZZY: (WHISPERS)
You're not a pirate, lad.

You're a spoiled,
entitled bunch of twats

dressed in puffy, blue nighties.

Shame, I was going to let you live.

k*ll me.

k*ll us all.

Our spirit will last throughout
your entire f*ckin' empire

because...

we're good.

And you

are a rancid, syphilitic c**t.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Avast, you scoundrels!

Ooh, there's a lot of them.

(SOLDIERS CHOKING, GROANING)

(SPANISH JACKIE LAUGHING)

Oh, sh*t, that's...
Is that us doing that?

(LAUGHING)

What the hell was in that brandy?

Nothin' you wanna f*ck with.

THE SWEDE: I ate poison?!

Am I going to die?!

Ah, you best believe
everybody is poison-trained

- in this household.
- We are?

Yeah, baby.

This is for Auntie.

AUNTIE: No!

Let me k*ll him.

- Auntie.
- Oh. Hey, guys!

- Thank God you're alive.
- Hey!

- Captain.
- (THWACK)

- (AUNTIE GROANS)
- ZHENG: You're alive!

AUNTIE: Of course, I'm alive.

You took your time getting here.

W... I was roped into
protecting these guys.

So you had help?

Soft, Auntie.

- Huh?
- Soft.

Yep. Good... job.

I... I am... proud of you.

Thank you.

(LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)

STEDE: So, we shall
probably make a plan here.

BLACKBEARD: Uh, still
surrounded by English soldiers.

I think a royal hostage
could prove valuable.

STEDE: So, that is the plan.

- We all live to fight another day.
- (BLACKBEARD SIGHS)

Or it's a complete su1c1de mission.

- ROACH: Yeah, that's su1c1de.
- ARCHIE: Sounds like we're gonna die, bro.

Shh! It's only su1c1de

if we die.

("ROADS TO MOSCOW"
BY AL STEWART PLAYING)

♪ Ahh, ahh, ahh ♪

♪ Ahh, ahh, ahh ♪

♪ Ahh, ahh, ahh ♪

♪ In the footsteps of Napoleon ♪

♪ The shadow figures
stagger through the winter ♪

♪ Falling back before
the gates of Moscow ♪

♪ Standing in the wings
like an avenger ♪

♪ And far away
behind their lines ♪

♪ The partisans are
stirring in the forest ♪

♪ Coming unexpectedly
upon their outpost ♪

- Go, go, go.
- ♪ Growing like a promise ♪

♪ You'll never know,
you'll never know ♪

♪ Which way to turn,
which way to look ♪

♪ You'll never see us ♪

PRINCE RICKY: Hello!

♪ As we're stealing through
the blackness of the night ♪

The operation is over now,

so we're just gonna head
back to the ships, please.

♪ And it's cold and damp
in the transit camp... ♪

- They are pirates!
- (IZZY GROANS)

(ALL SHOUTING)

- (STABBING)
- (GROANS)

(GRUNTING, GROANING)

♪ And I wonder when
I'll be home again ♪

- ♪ And the morning answers never ♪
- (g*nsh*t)

- (JIM GRUNTS)
- ♪ And the evening sighs ♪

♪ And the steely,
Russian skies go on ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪

(UPBEAT, DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

- Izzy, you okay?
- I'm fine. f*ck off.

JIM: (YELLS) We're almost there!

- AUNTIE: (YELLS) Move! Let's go!
- JIM: (YELLS) Vamos!

(g*nshots)

Go!

- (LAUGHTER)
- (INDISTINCT YELLING)

Move! Go, go, go!

♪

- Help me take him!
- (g*nsh*t)

- (YELLING)
- (g*nsh*t)

ROACH: Push, Swede, push!

- (IZZY GROANING)
- BLACKBEARD: It's, it's okay, okay? Okay?

- He's alright.
- STEDE: Easy, easy, easy.

- (GROANS)
- BLACKBEARD: It's okay. It's okay.

Help. We need help.

(YELLS) Can someone
get some f*cking help?!

STEDE: I'll take care of it. Roach!

- Let's get bandages.
- ROACH: Yes, Captain.

Great, Bonnet's in charge.
I'm definitely f*cked.

It's not even that bad.

Stop! Stop! Stop it! Stop!

Eddie just...

(EXHALES) sit with me, Eddie.

I'm not goin' anywhere.

(GROANS) Ed, I'm sorry.

I've been terrible to you.

- No, I'm sorry.
- No.

What are you apologizing for?

I should be the one who's apologizing.

I fed your darkness... Blackbeard.

For years, I egged him on, even
though I knew you'd outgrown him,

- but the truth is...
- Hey.

I needed him.

- Blackbeard... it was us.
- Shh.

- You, me.
- Yeah.

- (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
- But... you're good now.

You're, you're ready.

- Shh. Stop.
- No, just shush.

Izzy, you can't go. You can't leave me.

(SOFTLY) I wanna go.

(CRIES) No, please.
You're my only family.

Oh, f*ck off, you twat.

Ed, you're surrounded by family.

(SOFTLY) They love you, Ed.

(CRIES) No.

Just be Ed.

There he is.

(CRYING)

Izzy?

- ("DU GAMLA" BY HAKAN HELLSTROM PLAYING)
- Izz?

♪ That's all right,
that's all right ♪

♪ Since my soul got
a seat up in the kingdom ♪

♪ That's all right ♪

♪ My, my mother,
how you walkin' long ♪

♪ Your feet may slip
and your soul may long ♪

♪ Since my soul got
a seat up in the kingdom ♪

♪ That's all right ♪

♪ That's all right,
that's all right ♪

♪ That's all right,
that's all right ♪

♪ Since my soul got
a seat up in the kingdom ♪

♪ That's all right ♪

♪ Hush little baby,
don't you cry ♪

♪ You know your mother
been born to die ♪

Bye, Izzy.

♪ That's all right ♪

Well, that's that, then.

He was a good one.

Intense. Very intense.

He was a f*cking nightmare.

What a guy.

(LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)

Sorry for your loss.

I'll just say it.

I think we'd be good together.

Kick a lotta ass.

Uh, maybe give him a moment.

Don't you wanna k*ll
the fucker who did this?

Well, yeah, sure.

I wanna k*ll that same guy,

so what if we, um,

say... teamed up?

The Pirate Queen, Blackbeard.

And we'll need you too, Bonnet.

You're a damn fine pirate.

Really?

Anything in particular
ya like about my skill set?

- Hey, let's not do this.
- She's said enough.

Take the compliment with grace.

Yep.

- (BELL RINGING)
- (BIRDS CAWING)

Do you vow to protect and, if

necessary, k*ll... for each other?

- Absolutely.
- Yes.

Do you vow to avenge the other

in the event of your grisly
death or dismemberment?

- Definitely. Yes, yes.
- A little bit s-specific, but...

Do you vow to keep
each other's ship afloat?

- BLACK PETE: Yes. Yeah.
- LUCIUS: Yes. f*ck. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

BLACK PETE: Yeah, yeah. f*ck yeah.

You are officially mateys!

(ALL CHEERING)

You may now slash each other's faces!

(CHEERING)

Or kiss or something
if you're not into tradition.

- I think a kiss is probably better.
- We can kiss.

ROACH: Okay. (LAUGHS)

(CHEERING)

("THE TIMES THEY ARE A-CHANGIN'"
NINA SIMONE PLAYING)

All clear, I-I think.

FANG: Ready to get underway?

Right! Hoist the anchor!
Drop the mainsail!

- BLACK PETE: Love you, babe.
- LUCIUS: Ow, hey!

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- ZHENG: Mm. It's upside-down.

JIM: Beware of the new "Revenge," dawgs!

- FRENCHIE: Raise the jib!
- AUNTIE: Raising the jib!

SPANISH JACKIE: The
sky's the limit, baby.

We're gonna rebuild
the bar better than ever.

THE SWEDE: I like the sound of that.

SPANISH JACKIE: Of
course, you do, sugarballs.

♪ Changin' ♪

♪ Come writers and critics ♪

So we're innkeepers then?

I thought we might give it a go.

Unless, of course, you're
having second thoughts.

(SOFTLY) I'm not... No.

It's a bit of a sh*thole. I know.

STEDE: It's a fixer-upper.

Good bones.

♪

Come on. Let's try and
find somethin' to eat.

Maybe there's a feral animal or something

we can cook up for dinner.

STEDE: I love that idea.

Place just needs a little elbow grease.

BLACKBEARD: Jesus, what is that smell?

STEDE: (SNIFFS)
Smells of the future, to me.

- BLACKBEARD: Yeah, love that.
- STEDE: Me too.

But we should actually find
out what's making that smell.

- BLACKBEARD: Ugh! f*ck, that's strong!
- (SEAGULL CAWS)

STEDE: Maybe we just air it out a bit.

♪

♪ The line it is drawn ♪

♪ And the curse... it is cast ♪

♪ And the slow one now ♪

♪ Will later be fast ♪

♪ As the present now ♪

♪ Will later be past ♪

♪ The order is rapidly fadin' ♪

♪ For the times ♪

♪ They are a-changin' ♪

♪ Changin' ♪

♪

- (GRUNTS) Twist! Alright.
- (GRUNTS) Come on.

- One more time. One more.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We got it. We got it. Got it!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

That should be enough.

- Yeah. That's good.
- Who's gonna go?

- No, you can all f*ck right off.
- (ARCHIE GROANS)

What about Frenchie?
You think he'll fit?

No way. You do it.

- (SIGHING)
- (ARCHIE GROANS)

Alright. Well...

Through your pop, sweetheart.

Hey, suck your bum in.

- (FRENCHIE GROANS)
- LUCIUS: Think thin.

- (GRUNTING)
- You can do it.

- Go, Frenchie!
- (SHUSHING)