07x03 - Air Force Wong

[bunniefuu]

Before we move off this topic,

can I ask if you're
currently a hologram?

Yeah, yeah. Hold on. One sec.

[GRUNTS] Left a bag of Funyuns
down there last week.

Didn't want to waste our time.

Okay. Let's do it. Therapy me.

[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]

- Do you need to take that?
- No. Just the president.

Maybe we should turn off the phone.

President of the United States.

Thought you might think that was cool.

You like it when people
think you're cool?

You're extra-analytical today.

Looking to remodel your kitchen?

PRESIDENT: Sanchez,
I know you're in there.

When I call you directly,
it's an emergency.

I was in therapy. Don't
stigmatize mental health.

How rude of me. Hello.

- I'm President Andre Curtis.
- Yes, I recognize you.

Oh? How nice.

It's not nice to recognize
a president. Can we go?

In , the CIA secretly relocated
the Loch Ness Monster

to Lake Erie and replaced
her bones with titanium.

She was then bit by several werewolves,

giving us the ultimate
anti-submarine w*apon.

- Got it.
- But the Soviets smuggled in

a leprechaun, who turned
Nessie's bones to silver,

giving her the were-version of AIDS.

She sank to the bottom, and
we assumed she was dead.

But she was only asleep.
Now she's awake and hungry.

- You can't date my shrink.
- What?

- Bro, you're nuts.
- Then don't date my shrink.

I'm not dating your shrink.

She probably doesn't even like me.

- Stand down, Sanchez.
- Tell him to stand down.

Would you let him bang your therapist?

I don't believe in therapy.

What the hell does that even
mean, you don't believe in it?

- He's a Scientologist.
- Don't date my shrink!

And don't be a space Mormon.

- Why not?
- It's silly.

Sorry. It's a cheap sh*t.

Worship how you want.

- I like Tom Cruise.
- Thank you.

- Therapy's working.
- Keep it in your pants.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[APPLAUSE]

Ooh. Welcome back to Mr. Stabby.

Let's get another question
from the audience.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Ow. Augh.

Why do people get
tickets to his tapings?

It's a fame-obsessed culture.

[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]

- Mr. President?
- PRESIDENT: I got an emergency, Rick.

Another president mission?

You just k*lled the Loch
Ness Monster for him.

Tell that little bitch to zip it.

You can't talk to me like that.

Tell him he can't talk to me like that.

You can't talk to Morty like that.

- Whatever.
- I'll portal over.

I've seen this one anyway.
The audience dies.

Rick, thanks for coming.

We've got a situation in
the state of Virginia.

- Bigfoot?
- That's Montana.

- Nazis?
- That's, uh... everywhere.

That's an exaggeration, sir.

[SIGHS] Jesus, Carl. You, too?

The problem in Virginia is... love.

You've heard the state motto,
"Virginia is for Lovers"?

Well, now they've codified it into law.

Virginia has declared itself literally
and exclusively for lovers.

- Sounds boring.
- It gets worse.

There's no crime, no poverty,

and suspiciously, no complaints.

The governor just hit
% approval rating.

- And that's worse?
- %?

Get on the web, Dwayne.

There's no such thing
as % of anything.

America knows and incinerates
a cult when it sees one.

But I can't do that to all of Virginia,

so we need to infiltrate.

I volunteer to do acid
to prove I'm not a cop.

No lone wolves. We need a
cr*ck team for this one.

Rick, meet Fleeflak.

He might be able to tell the future.

- RICK: Might?
- We're waiting to find out.

Onyx here is a weapons specialist,

and our eye in the sky is my
chief of staff bot, Chi-Chi.

- Sleek.
- Yes. An excellent team.

Ah, but there's something missing.

- A psychology expert, perhaps.
- Oh, f*ck me.

You pretended to need a cr*ck team

so you could get Wong's number?

Get her number? I own the CIA.

If I wanted, I could get her genome.

So, you wanted what from
me, permission? You got it.

It's a free country, so
you're always saying.

That's certainly all
I'd be willing to pay.

You're making me choose? You or her?

There's three billion
women on this planet

that have nothing to do with me.

Can you blame them?

- You suck.
- Wait! Danger.

Wow. That's great, buddy.

It's going right on the fridge.

I appreciate your lending your expertise
to this mission, Dr. Wong.

- g*n?
- No, thank you.

I was surprised to receive
your call, but excited.

I haven't done field work
since grad school.

We think the people of Virginia

have become some kind
of hippie sex cult.

I haven't done that since
grad school, either.

Ho-ho! Dr. Wong, you are a firecracker.

Sir, we've reached the border.

- Halt!
- _

I'm so sorry, Mr. President.

Virginia is closed to visitors.

I thought it was for lovers.

I'm a lover.

- You guys lovers?
- Mm-hmm.

I appreciate that,

but the rest of your country

doesn't need Virginia's love right now.

You know, the last time
a state talked that way,

we had to have a whole thing.

And?

And this time, the other side has nukes.

[SIGHS]

Let them in.

Well done, Doctor.

Call me Helen.

[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]

As you can see, Virginia
has no crime, no poverty.

- All goods are freely given.
- Communist bastards.

And all goods are freely made.

Communist bastards.

So, what happened? Tell me the secret.

Well, if I tell you,
you'll tell everyone.

But if I show you, you won't have to.

How unsettling and cryptic.

- [ROARS]
- Oh!

My God. So, that's it?
You're all just drunk!

Sir, it's some kind of
body-snatching hive-mind.

Finally, your religion comes in handy.

No! My only chance at
meeting Will Smith.

Pick up your phone, assh*le.

When I call, it's an actual emergency.

Rick?

Unity.

Take it easy. Take it easy.

I can explain. Just let me
get things under control.

You controlling things
is the explanation.

And we agreed you wouldn't
do it where I work.

What the f*ck are you spraying me with?

A new scent I picked up after you left.

I call it Separation.

You concocted a me repellent?

Does that look like a bad idea?

Rick, are you in a relationship
with the population of Virginia?

We dated.

ALL: I just want to talk.

I'm pretty sure you have
trillions of cellphones.

No. Come back. Let's talk.

Thank God you had a cr*ck team with you.

- Where's Helen?
- Helen?

She initiated first name.

Whoa!

Call in a chopper.
I'm being cock-blocked.

Rick, it's me.

I was released from Unity.

Cool. So, you won't
mind if I spray this.

Well, I won't, but we're surrounded

and Unity knows your reload time.

I really believe you
and Unity should talk.

How would you know?
You're just a nutritionist.

When you work in nutritionism
as long as I have,

you get a certain feel.

ALL: Calm down.

We came because we're worried about you.

- Why?
- We hear things, Rick.

I tried calling, but is it true
you're looking for... him again?

You almost d*ed last time.

That's none of your business.

- ALL: You're our business.
- You quit that business.

And you're fired from that business.

And I'm using your last paycheque

to cover the stapler you stole,
which was my heart.

Civil w*r, baby.

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

Sorry. That was supposed
to be suppressive.

Aah! Aah! Rick, wait.

Aah!

- Thank you, Andre.
- Thank you, Helen.

It's time to put these bastards on ice.

- Cue up the dome.
- Yes, sir!

Ow!

Do you have a dome the
size of every state?

[CHUCKLES]

You'll need a second
date for that answer.

Barf.

NEWSCASTER: A nation in turmoil tonight,

as the entire state of Virginia

continues to be trapped
inside an energy dome.

The White House released a statement

dismissing the president's shouts
of "Civil w*r, baby," as hyperbole.

Shonda, what do we make of that?

More like "hyper bully," Tom.

Oh, sh*t. Shonda came to play.

This president has been in office

for how many alien invasions?

Not to mention the mutant turkeys,

the abandoned White House
orbiting our planet,

the Eco-conscious dinosaurs.

Then he sees Virginia,
with its perfect economy

and synchronized lawn-mowing,

so he sh**t them and
puts them in a dome?

- Classic Curtis.
- Will someone mute the g*dd*mn news?

If I want a list of my failures,
I'd dig up my mother.

I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm sorry.
That's a turn-off, right?

Guy screaming about his
mother in a w*r room?

Sanchez, America hates your dome.

- How long is it going to be up?
- Hope you marked that.

It was his dome in the
chopper. Now it's mine.

It will contain that part of
Unity until I shut it down,

because one of us here knows
how to set boundaries.

Rick, I agree that my accepting
this mission was inappropriate.

When I was invited, I didn't know...

That he was hitting on you?

I was aware of potential
romantic motivations.

- And I was open to them.
- Bam!

But I did not know you and
I would be crossing paths.

You mean you didn't care,

because on one hand,
you got professional ethics

and in the other hand, you
got world-famous schlong?

- Now I get to b*at you.
- Bring it.

Alien vessel approaching Earth.

- It's hailing us.
- Put it through.

- I don't work for you.
- You couldn't. You suck.

I'll do it.

Mr. President.

Lady, you bring that ship
to America's planet,

I'm launching , warheads,

, of which will turn out to work.

Then I'll call China,
and you're really f*cked.

Let's listen to Unity.

- Are you still here?
- Are you?

If I wanted Earth,
I would have taken it.

- Oh, bullshit.
- Give me a break.

You cut eight million pieces of me off.

- It hurt.
- Boo-hoo.

You've made it clear we
can't be friends, Rick,

but I need to reconnect those people

so I can properly release them.

They're hosting a mindless collective.

If it connects to another mind,

it could become its own colony.

Wow. You made a PowerPoint?

I needed you to understand

- how serious this is.
- I can handle it.

We got the spray, bitch.

Don't talk to them like that.

Rick, do you not trust Unity?

- Shut up.
- Apologize.

- Eat me.
- Do you not trust me, Rick?

- Who would?
- Let Rick answer.

Baby, I know you want to help, but...

Andre, I think we need to move slower.

Slower? I haven't even touched you,

and you're already
back-seat w*r-rooming.

- Andre?
- Helen.

- Rick?
- I don't trust you.

You ghosted me to focus on your work.

Your work is absorbing the universe.

But it's my universe. Please go.

We'll spray the Virginians
before they touch anyone.

I'm sorry you lost a finger,
but that's the price

of surprise butt play.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

Alien vessel is departing.

Good job, people.

I'll run the aerosol cannon
from the chopper.

We need the optics.
Send out a press release.

"President sprays Virginia
with the opposite of b*ll*ts."

But write it better than that.

You riding shotgun, or
you staying butt hurt?

Suck my d*ck and lose
my number. You too.

If you invite me to the wedding,
I will sh*t in the punch.

He'll be back.

What would you like for dinner?

I'm not interested in
taking this further.

What? Why? That's insane!

How can you be a therapist and insane?

Since you're asking for feedback,

my sincere advice

is that you overcome
your need for approval.

Okay. You want to play it that way?

There's an exit tunnel
by the ladies' room.

It gets lots of use, and
not just by sex workers.

Can you at least tell security
I did the dumping?

- Uh, you okay?
- Yes.

The news said Virginia was a hive-mind.

Yes.

- Was it...
- Yes!

Oh, my God. Dude, whatever.

When's the last time
you saw your therapist?

- Today.
- Well, then, she sucks.

- No sh*t!
- Stop yelling at me!

- I need boundaries.
- Well, here's a big one, f*ck face!

[DOOR SLAMS]

Sorry.

Arriving at the dome, sir.

Good. I don't need anybody.

- What?
- What? I said good.

- Tell me when we're there.
- We are.

Roger that. Just gonna
see how we're looking.

And there's Helicopter One
with the aforementioned gas,

and you can actually see
President Curtis inside,

checking his phone to see if
this will make people like him.

There he is frowning now,
of course, as he realizes

no amount of spectacle is
going to undo his last debacle.

- Shonda?
- Oh, not Shonda.

- She hates me.
- It's true, Tom.

I mean, yes, President Curtis
is going to release Virginia

from yet another alien thr*at,

but when they are free
to speak their minds,

does he really think they're going
to say, "Wow. What a president"?

Deactivating dome, sir.

The fact is, nothing short of
literally a % approval rating

is gonna save Curtis
in the next election.

Let her rip, sir.

% approval?

Whoopsie. I-I-I'll be right back.

- Sir?
- I just gotta get the thing.

Wha'? Huh? How is that going to work?

Give it to me. Give me that hive!

Mother, forgive me.
Just forgive me. I need it.

[ALL GASP]

Holy...

ALL: ... sh*t!

Loved ones are gathered here
to reunite with the captives,

who appear to walking, quite eagerly,

and now running, in perfect
unison, toward them.

Such a beautiful scene...
everyone kissing.

And now everyone that got
kisses is kissing everyone else.

Heartfelt, almost disgusting kisses.

The wave of affection is
headed in all directions.

Hello, sir.

The president has saved us.
He's the best president.

The best man, really, ever.

- His mother was wrong.
- Uh-oh.

Did somebody close the lady tunnel?

[SCREECHING]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

Hey, Rick, w-w-was Unity...

She's gone, and I don't care.

- I think she's back.
- Hmm?

Someone order cranky d*ck?

- I said I was sorry.
- No, you didn't.

I said it quietly. Shut up.

Now, Governor, can you explain
why all of Virginia ran

in all directions and puked
on everyone in the country?

It's simple, news man.

They puke in love of the president.

We approve of the president.
Everyone does.

[CHUCKLES] Sorry, Governor,

but you're making me
bring Shonda into this.

Thanks, Tom. Governor, I can assure you

that no matter how you
personally may feel...

Good president.

President good, good, good.

Are you okay? Uh, Josh just
vomited into your mou...

Oh. Ha. I get it now.

Wow! What a president.

- Approval here.
- President approved.

I thought Unity promised
to never do this.

That's not Unity.

You kids stay inside and lock up.

Dad's still out shopping.

Then stay inside, lock up,
and plug your ears.

- Where are you going?
- Therapy.

Thank God.

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

Huh?

Aah!

[SCREAMS]

Aah!

You're rehired.

- Is that Unity?
- It's your boyfriend.

He must have linked with
the severed hive-mind.

He's going to assimilate the
Earth faster than I can fight it.

And you want me to talk to him?

There's no talking to him.

No human mind can keep itself together

while controlling millions of people.

- So, where are we going?
- I need Unity's help.

So, you need to convince
her I'm worth it.

- You aren't.
- So, lie.

[ALARM BLARING]

SHIP AI: Inbound vessel detected.

- Tell him to turn around.
- Tell me in person.

- I'm already here.
- God damn it.

But your ship was just...

You have your gimmicks, I have mine.

This is my therapist.
She can vouch for me.

We met. She was me for a second.
What do you want, Rick?

Look. It's clear you weren't lying

when you said you could've
taken over Earth

because your finger
just took over America.

I need you to help me fix that.

Oh. It took that to make you believe me?

Why should I believe you?

You show up unannounced
and hijack a state.

I called you! Multiple times.

You ghosted me.

- Rick, is that true?
- She dumped me.

Why would I answer her calls?

All right. I'm going to
commit a cardinal sin

in couples' therapy here.

But Rick, I think you're wrong.

Bringing you was a mistake.

You had an outer-space lady
who was worried for your life,

and your response was hostile
enough to cause a huge problem.

Thank you.

Now you're asking her to both
forgive you and solve it?

Unity, I think the reason
Rick brought me here

is that he doesn't know how to
indicate to you he's changed,

because he's changing very slowly.

But he is.

All right. Anyone else
wanna call me a baby?

Maybe we can drag this out until
Earth is fully assimilated?

All right.

So, you're asking for an invasion?

[CREATURES SCREECHING]

Hold them back. They love me.
They just forgot.

ALL: They just forgot. They just forgot.

No! Stop. You love me.

What? Why are you stopping?

I've won you over?

Oh, good. You're here.

Unity, kept them warm for you.

They went a little crazy, but, uh...

Anyway, seems like this is all over.

Helen, we could grab some coffee.

Wait. Unity, what are you doing?

All right, Rick. That's everyone.

Nice job, Une.

Well, this has been quite a session.

Hope you do group discounts.

Actually, just send the
bill to the White House.

I wouldn't be doing this
for anyone else, Rick.

Yeah. It was nice to team up again.

No. I mean I wouldn't be doing it.

I've never released hundreds
of millions of people before.

This is gonna suck.

[SIGHS]

[GROANING]

[GROANING]

[CELLPHONES CHIMING]

[ENGINES TURN OVER, HORNS HONKING]

_

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Here. It's over. Nice job, Une.

- I'm fine.
- You want a painkiller?

I, uh, I'm on a few of them right now.

No, thank you.

I mean, you could hang out if you want,

come see the kids.

I trust you now.

That's nice, but I don't trust you.

Fair enough.

[SIGHS]

[CAN TAB POPS]

[SLURPS]

[MACHINE BEEPS]

UNITY: Hey, Rick, it's Unity.

Uh, give me a call, okay?

Hey, Rick. Unity.

Look. Cards on the table.

I heard you were going
after that guy again.

Just made me worried. Give me a call.

Look. I get it. I dumped you.
You're ignoring me.

But I care about you,

and I just wanna know you're all right.

Hey, Rick, listen. I'm just
gonna stop by Virginia, okay?

I don't know what state you live in,

but I'll camp out there
and try to reach you.

Hope you're okay.

DAVID MISCAVIGE: Hey, Rick.
David Miscavige here.

Heard you were saying
some really great things

about Scientology.

If you ever wanna meet Travolta...

End playback!

You, uh, really went all
in on that approval, huh?

Yeah.

Shonda's gonna eat me alive.

Ah, f*ck 'em.

Thanks, Rick.

[SLURPS]

Don't take this the wrong way,

but, uh, I think I might need therapy.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

And we're back with Mr. Stabby.

What do you say to people who say,
"I don't want to get stabbed.

I want to go a show.

I have a right to not get stabbed"?

Well, Gary, I have a
right to arms and legs.

But I wasn't born with those.

And I don't think that means
I should be boxed out

of an industry where, let's face it,

there's zero representation of people

with swords for arms and legs.

But do you have to take
questions from the audience?

People come to my show because
they want the experience.

If they didn't want it,
they'd stop coming.

Your show has resulted in the
deaths of , attendees.

Well, you're talking about it.