01x01 - There's a New Queen in Town

[bunniefuu]

Stand up, please.

Hello. Your Royal Highness.

What a remarkable school
you have here,

filled with absolutely wonderful
children.

Thank you. These are some
of our best and brightest.

And I hear you're celebrating
an anniversary.

That's right. Clayton House
is celebrating our th year

of teaching ambitious learners
and creating future leaders.

Marvellous,
and how wonderful they all are.

One of our pupils is a huge admirer
of Your Royal Highness and has made

a special gift to commemorate
your visit.

Hello there. What's your name?

Molly Esmond.

It's a pleasure to meet you,
Molly Esmond.

I'm Princess Georgiana.

What have you got there?

Erm, it's the palace where you live.

Aren't you a clever girl?

Thank you.

And you've even got some of
my favourite artwork in there.

Yes. This is the portrait
of Agatha Bas by Rembrandt.

And this one is by Rubens.

And this one is by...

Oh, God.

Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry.

Oh, my goodness me.

Oh, it's all right.

I'm sure it'll be absolutely fine.

Sorry.

Oh, gosh. Well, there we go.

Take a seat.

Sorry, darling.

Oh, sweetheart, are you all right?

You smell like my grandad.

Thank you.

He's an alcoholic.

Well, Princess Georgiana might have
had a bit of a late night,

but she's all better now, so...

So...

And for being such a
brave young lady, Molly,

I'm... I'm going to make it up
to you.

Shall we get going?

Well, another Georgie story
coming up.

She is splattered, excuse the pun,

across the headlines this morning.

She just lurches from
one scandal to the next.

Will this woman single-handedly
bring down the monarchy?

I didn't think so, until she
sicked on a child.

Can someone not just stop
this woman?

I mean, what... What's happened?
Am I allowed to say that?

Waste of space. Waste of time.

Waste of money as well.

Exactly.

How can you be sick on somebody?

She hasn't got the decorum
that the royals require.

Can this woman ever put
a foot right?

She is a total embarrassment.

A disaster for this country.

Can we please throw her out
to an island on her own

and never have to talk
about her again?

She's a bloody numpty, mate.

I mean, it is beyond embarrassing
now, isn't it?

I mean, the original party princess,

but she has gone
beyond the pale now.

What are they going to do with her?

Your Royal Highness.

So, the palace's private secretary
also moonlights as a baby-sitter.

That's very kind of you, Michael.

That you haven't been returned to
the palace

in the back of a police car
is gratitude enough, ma'am.

Come on, then.

Give me my talking to.

I will pretend to care,
you'll pretend to believe me

and we can both be on our way.

Are you aware Australia
has a new Prime Minister?

Sure.

Well, she is considering...

She! OK!

She is considering a referendum

to have Australia leave the
Commonwealth.

Who cares? It's Australia.

Well, if Australia were to fall,
ma'am, it could start

a domino effect, causing other
countries to leave one by one

until none are left.

Will there be a quiz on this later?

Your parents believe that
a sovereign on Australian soil

could turn back this rising tide
of republican discontent.

Another royal visit? Already?

Weren't they just there
like years ago?

They're not going to visit.

You're going, for good.

Would you mind repeating that?

After much consideration,

it's been decided that your mother,
the Queen, will abdicate her throne

and that you will be installed
as their queen.

What are you talking about?

We think it best to put
a bit of distance

between you and the palace.

And by a bit of distance,
I mean , miles.

There's also the chance, given real
responsibility,

that you may grow up and
do your family proud for once.

Plus Australia get their own
monarch,

which should shut them up
for a while.

It would create
a constitutional crisis!

I'm not even the heir, Freddy is.

All resolved and approved
by government. Very exciting.

They wouldn't. They have.
They couldn't. They can.

I want to speak to my parents.

Sadly, they're unavailable.

However, they did press upon me
to wish you a very bon voyage.

Prime Minister, there's a real sense
that Australians are resenting

this idea of having a queen foisted
upon them.

As a republican yourself,
how are you squaring it?

I'm sure Queen Georgiana
will be an asset and I'm confident

Australians will join me in
welcoming her to our great country.

She's a pretty divisive figure.

Isn't she just going to be
our problem now?

I can assure you this is only
good news and I'm sure Her Majesty

is very excited to be joining
us as our very own...

Queen of f*cking Australia.

Unbelievable.
You vomit on one little girl.

It's not like I k*lled her.

Can you imagine where they'd be
sending us if you had?

If I had what? If you had k*lled
that sweet little girl.

Kentucky.

Isn't there something
you should be doing, Anabel?

I should probably floss my teeth.

As my lady-in-waiting?

Floss your teeth?

Or I could sort out
your arrival outfit.

That one. Good choice.

I can floss your teeth later.

This is your captain speaking.

We will be arriving
in Sydney in hours.

I can hear you breathing, Matthew.
What do you want?

Actually, it's... Yes?

It's just that... Never mind.

I have the menu
for the welcome reception.

Read the mask.

Right.

You're very nervous.

Sorry. It's my first day and...
It's irritating.

Sorry, ma'am.

Don't call me ma'am.

I won't. How dare you!

You just said not to...

I didn't mean it. Or did I?

I'm very difficult to read, Matthew.

I'm an oxymoron.

I despise pomp,
yet crave circumstance.

Have fun with that.

No, yes, yes, no,
not if it's Australian.

Yes, no, not if I'm hung over,

only if I'm hung over.

God!

These two are a joke.

What could you possibly think
the panicky Aussie

and my halfwit cousin
bring to the table?

New queen, new start, new staff.

I don't mind that they're new,
Bernard.

I mind that they suck
a big dog's d*ck.

Majesty, I beg you to please
curtail your language.

At least try to keep in mind that
you are now the Queen of Australia.

Well, there's lucky, because
in Australia that language

is positively regal.

If I were you, I wouldn't try to
mock the people I need to win over.

If you were me, Bernard, this thong
would be awfully tight.

I'm just saying it would be
a lot easier

if I could have kept my old staff.

Yes, but, sadly, it appears there's
no such thing as loyalty

to the crown when you are
wearing it.

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

"Yes, but, sadly, it appears there's
no such thing"

"as loyalty to the
crown when you are wearing it."

That's not even true.

My staff were loyal, dutiful
and dedicated.

"A spoiled, incompetent mess."

"Lazy, belligerent,
with no sense of purpose."

"An awful, awful, awful experience."

"Actually, may I add another
awful to that?"

Do you know where these are from?

Reviews of the latest Avatar?

Exit interviews of your loyal,
dutiful and dedicated staff.

Are you sure?
Because I've seen the latest Avatar.

Point being, no-one who has worked
for you could be dragged here.

So why did you come?

I work for your parents, not you.

As a favour, they asked me to
come out of retirement

and act as your private secretary,

and out of devotion to them and the
crown, I complied with their wishes.

Hm. What's the real reason?

Retirement told me many things.

The most interesting
being, I loathe my wife.

Mm. Me too.

This is the outfit you planned
for my arrival in Australia?

A woollen suit?

Uh, a vintage Chanel woollen suit.

In -degree heat?

Erm, I don't think so.
We're in the middle of January.

We're also in the
Southern Hemisphere?

So the seasons are reversed?

So what month is this, then?

It's still January,
but it's their summer.

But it's still winter for us,
though.

Not if we're in Australia,
you vacant tart.

Right.

You still don't get it, do you?

Not yet.

Oh, now I get it.

That outfit is wholly inappropriate
for the season.

The sweat is already pouring
down my thighs.

That's the beauty of wool -
it'll absorb it in no time.

Ma'am, this is Officer Marc Kemarre,
head of your new security detail.

Your Majesty. Officer Kemarre
is a highly decorated

tactical as*ault commando in the
Australian Special Forces.

He is also a Black Hawk helicopter
pilot who has served in...

Some w*r somewhere. Thank you.

Tell me, does this impressive
skill set include driving cars?

It does. Air-conditioned ones?
Yes.

Well, then, could you tell me
why I'm not in one right now

instead of standing out here
while my hair melts?

Right this way, ma'am.

Dear God. Get these tights off me.

Get these tights off me!

Get these tights off me now.

I'm assuming those were all official
palace photographers back there

so they won't put out
anything unflattering.

I'm not sure that's the case
in Australia.

They've released them?

Erm, no. Yes, they have.

How bad are they?

They're not bad at all.
Do I look sweaty? No.

Do I look fat? No!

Oh, God, do I look like my mother?
You looked great.

Liar! Show me.

I'd rather not.

Show me now or I will have those
tiny little girl hands cut off.

Oh, my God.

I look like I finished a marathon
and celebrated with a stroke.

I don't, I don't think you look...

Why would you show me those?

What? Why on God's green earth
would you show me these?

You told me to.
That is no excuse.

You said you'd cut off my hands.

That is still happening.

God save the Queen.

May I present the Australian
Prime Minister Rebecca Stewart?

Your Majesty, it's a pleasure
to welcome you to Australia.

Is it? I doubt that.

You've had the whole country
all to yourself

and now here we are having to go
sharesies. That's got to hurt.

Not at all.

It's a privilege to play a part
in this historic event.

It's an exciting time for Australia
and I'm here to be of service to you

in any way I can.

Well, you can start by telling me
what that monstrosity is.

This is a specially commissioned
piece of art to celebrate

the beginning of your reign.

It's made from hand-dried
native flowers collected from

national parks of every state
in Australia.

You look like a thinner version
of me. Was that deliberate?

Ma'am, may I introduce you to
Weiwei Weng?

Weiwei has been master of the
household for the last years.

Your Majesty, may I introduce
you to Jack?

Jack has been...
I'm just going to stop you there.

If you intend on doing that to
every person lined up here,

that's a hard pass from me.

Don't get me wrong, I love the whole
Downton Abbey vibe.

Cannot get enough of that sh*t.

But let's face it, I'm not going
to remember anyone's name, am I?

No offence, Weng Weng.
It's Weiwei, ma'am.

Weiwei Weng. Not Weng Weng Weng.

I rest my case, case, case.

And these are your living
quarters, ma'am.

Well, I can see why it's called
Macquarie House,

not Macquarie Palace.

Why have they put us in storage?

Oh, no, no, no.
This will never do.

Depressing, shoddy, cringe,

German.
You getting all this down?

You threw away my laptop.

Oh, and that's my fault now, is it?

No.

Hey, I'm Zoe.

I'm your new
director of communications.

Wow, nice digs.

So, erm, how was the flight?

Are you just slumped AF
with jet lag?

Nice to meet you, Zoe.

I am rather slumped, yes,
thank you for asking.

If I may be so bold, the correct way
to address me is ma'am,

not hey. Unless, of course, you're
suggesting we throw , years

of protocol out the window because
you've had your face pierced.

So rude.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

I just thought...
Yes, well, please don't.

It's highly overrated.

Isn't that right, Anabel?

Tuna melt, if they have it.

So if you wanted...
And while we're at it,

taking a seat while the Queen
is standing is another no-no.

Isn't he sitting?
I don't count. I too am slumped AF.

I was under the impression
I was hired because you wanted

the Australians
to see you as an equal.

Why on earth would I want that?

To help modernise the monarchy?

Are you a republican?

Republican? No, I wouldn't call
myself a republican,

although I have seen
The Princess Diaries like times.

But I guess I'm open to asking
the question.

What question is that?

Whether being born... into unearned
privilege

is an outdated... concept.

That is the exact definition
of a republican.

Let's get rid of this one
before she cuts off my head.

Wait, wait, wait. Ma'am, if I could
just plead my case.

I am very good at what I do.

I'm at the cutting edge
of PR and social media,

I'm very well connected
and I will make it my mission

to turn your reign into
a global sensation

that is the envy of the world.

Can you introduce me
to the Hemsworth brothers?

All three of them.

Then you may stay.

Didn't know there were three.

Thank you, ma'am.
You won't regret it.

So, getting started.
Tonight's welcome reception...

Hold on, not tonight,
I've been travelling for hours.

I know, long haul's a k*ller,
but this was agreed two weeks ago.

Yes, but not for today.
I agreed to do it tomorrow.

No. When you agreed to it,
today would have been tomorrow.

No, tomorrow would have been
tomorrow.

No, tomorrow would have
been two days after today.

I think the mix-up is you agreed
to do it tomorrow because you didn't

realise that tomorrow was today
in Australia.

Because when you agreed to do it
tomorrow, you were in England,

where it was yesterday.

What are you, a f*cking Time Lord
now?

Just got back from the planet
of the tiny doll hands?

How are we only now figuring out
the bloody time difference?

Planet of the tiny doll hands!
That's funny.

OK, right. That's... Just get out.

Please, everyone, just get out.

I'll just have my tuna melt
in my room. Out!

Well, that could have gone better.

I... hate... Australia!

That's why they've sent me here.

Punishment.

When I was , they shipped me
off to boarding school in Canberra

for a year. It was misery.

I was bullied relentlessly.

They called me all sorts of names.

Ranga, Pom pig, bush pig,

Mick Hucknall, Princess Drongo,
Princess Pisspot...

I'm sorry you were on the receiving
end of some hurtful

albeit highly amusing nicknames,

but let's not lose sight
of why you're here, ma'am.

Your shenanigans have brought
the British monarchy

to a near collapse. Not something
one particularly wants on one's CV.

Nor is a CV something one
particularly wants.

Nevertheless, you're going to be
needing one if you cock this up

and they cut you off, because that's
what's on the cards, my dear.

This is your last chance
to continue living as a royal.

It's Australia or bust.

I'm a PR disaster, Bernard.

How am I going to pull this off?!

Now's the time to dig in, ma'am.

For once, show yourself
to be an asset

rather than a liability.

I won't lie,

it won't be easy for someone
like you.

None taken.

However, I do believe somewhere
inside your spoilt, insolent,

brattish being there lies a queen
ready to burst out.

Thank you, Bernard.

Sadly, that might be the nicest
thing anyone's ever said to me.

I know.

Question. Hm?

What if this queen
ready to burst out

ends up being so majestically
on point the whole Commonwealth

wants a piece of her?

Let's not get ahead of ourselves,
Princess Pisspot.

There's every chance she'll f*ck
things up by this time tomorrow.

By which I mean today.

Your Majesty.

Mick Hucknall!

I can hear you.

Jesus Christ, Anabel,
stop faffing about.

Sorry, I'm just trying to push
in your back fat.

Holy sh*t. Look at you.

You look hot as hell right now.

Oh, I'm glad you've taken my note
about decorum on board, Zoe.

All right, then. Are we all set?

Everybody's waiting, room's packed.

Dignitaries, titans of industry,
media moguls. This is your moment.

It's showtime. Good luck, ma'am.

You're going to be amazing.

Just be yourself.
Yeah, just be myself.

Team Queen.

Are you ready to start your reign?

I was born ready.

Make sure they don't photograph
her from behind.

♪ Hands up and touch the sky

♪ Yo, yo, we gon fly tonight... ♪

Ready, ma'am? Yes. Let's go.

Your Majesty, may I present, the
Prime Minister of New Zealand,

Mr George Martin. How do you do?

♪ I got the ride, I got the cribs

♪ I got the chicks, I got the
money, money, money... ♪

Drink up. It's all free.

Oh, no, I think it's too cheap.

Hello.

You two!

Thank you so much.

He still owes me money.

It's lovely to meet you.

Prime Minister. Your Majesty.

May I introduce Richard Steele,
CEO of Steele Media?

Your Majesty. How do you do?

Very well, thank you. We were just
discussing

the Prime Minister's initiative
to help end world hunger by .

?

Let's not rush into anything.

It's not like there's anyone
starving to death

right now, is there?

If I may ask,
where DO your passions lie?

Which causes do you intend
to champion?

Oh, you know, the poor, the meek,
the mild -

all the big hitters, really.

We will be outlining all the Queen's
Patronages in the coming weeks.

Child labour. Excuse me?

That's another one.

Against it, not for it.

Unless, of course, they enjoy it.

Pride in one's work
can be very empowering.

It's a complicated issue, for sure.

I think you're going to be
very good for business.

Awfully sorry to interrupt.

I need to steal Her Majesty away
for a moment. Do excuse me.

Did you hear?
What am I passionate about?

Oh, let me think -
getting the f*ck out of Australia.

Does that answer your question,
you nosy twat?

Oh, we need to find a charity for
mild people I can put my name to.

I shall get right on to that.

What's this?

Sorry. Hello. Sir, hello?

You, sir.

Its Weiwei, ma'am.

Yes, way, way too many vowels.

Why are we serving these?

I specifically said only serve
these if I'm hung over.

Is Her Majesty not hung over?

Why would you think she is?

I would say mainly this.

Go away, Weiwei. Ma'am.

Ma'am, we have an issue
with your speech.

No, I'm absolutely not cutting
the koala joke.

They're going to love it.
No, we don't HAVE the speech.

What? It was on my laptop that you
threw out the window.

My brand-new laptop that was
a good-luck-in-your-new-job gift

from my fiancee. So new, in fact,
that it hadn't been backed up yet.

But I'm over that now.

And great news,
I've remembered most of it.

Introduction.

Something nice about Australia.

The bit you thought was boring
about UK-Aussie relations.

Beef.

Thank yous.

Smile.

Beef? One of our main exports.

It wasn't in the original speech,
but I thought it might give you

something to run with.
You have got to be joking.

How can I stand up there
without a speech?!

Ladies and gentlemen, Her Majesty
Queen Georgiana of Australia.

You're going to be amazing. Am I?

Team Queen.
I'm going to have you k*lled.

My fellow Australians,

it is an honour to stand here
before you as your Queen.

I do so with humility and pride,
and I pledge to serve you always

and honour this duty bestowed
upon me.

Australia is a magnificent country.

Rich in its unique culture
and traditions and renowned,

of course, for its... beef.

Australia's cattle rearing
and subsequent butchery of livestock

are the envy of slaughterhouses
around the world.

I know if I were a cow, I'd choose
to have my throat slashed

on Australian soil.

The... longstanding ties between the
United Kingdom and Australia are...

ongoing and remain...

a thing.

So that's good.

If I may speak freely -

and let's face it,
who's going to stop me? -

truth be told,
this wasn't my planned speech.

Hardly surprising,
given the detour about beef.

To be completely honest, I'm so
jet-lagged I don't even know

if I'm facing the right way.

Oh, I didn't quite catch that,

but I'm going to assume
you're on side, sir.

I am, after all, your Queen,

and reserve the right to throw you
in the tower.

We still do that, you know.

And don't think we haven't got one
here because I asked them

to build it before I arrived.

So, two lesbian koalas
walk into a bar...

Just be yourself?!

The last person you should be
telling me to be is me.

And how dare you let me
tell that joke?

They found it highly offensive.

It's already trending
on Steele News.

Jesus Christ, do you have control
over anything?!

I thought the beef stuff went well.

I thought the beef stuff
went well too.

Actually, I thought the beef
stuff saved us.

Didn't you, Matthew? Team Queen.

Team sh*t!

That's what you all are.

Team sh*t.

Is everything all right?
Yes, thank you, Rebecca.

Everything's peachy! I'm just
debriefing here with Team sh*t.

Bet your team aren't sh*t,
are they?

Bet you don't even need
a team, do you?

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

I'm the
Prime Minister and I'm just perfect!

I'm going to end world hunger
all by myself!

Hmm? Hmm.

It's been a long day,
a lot of excitement.

Perhaps everyone should sleep on it

and tomorrow you can figure out
where it all went so horribly wrong.

Ma'am.

We already know that bit!

It was Team sh*t, and I'm getting
T-shirts printed.

Super.

No, Anabel, it is not super.

It is very, very, very not super.

And I'm putting that on the back!

Except that might draw attention
to the fat roll below your bra.

f*ck me!

Just put me down for an extra small.

Who's on T-shirts?

I'd like a minute to myself, please.

Sorry, Your Majesty. I can't let you
be out here on your own,

for safety reasons.

Oh, it's all right.
I'm not going to throw myself off.

I don't think my speech
was that bad. Do you? No, ma'am.

Then again, I'm not a lesbian koala.

What's your name again?

Marc.

Bit boring, isn't it?

It's Marc with a C.

Cark?

The C's at the end.

Makes more sense.

Please leave me alone,
I shall be fine.

This is a residential area, ma'am.
It's my job to protect you.

Protect me from what?
Someone stealing my Wi-Fi?

Are you supposed to
take a b*llet for me?

Let's hope it never gets to that.

But let's suppose. It's probably
somewhere in the small print, yes.

I'm sure you've been briefed.

I'm a loose cannon, a f*ck-up
and a liability, if you will.

I believe it was
headstrong and unconventional.

Which is British for a f*ck-up
and a liability.

At least it's not boring.

Well, sorry to disappoint everyone,

but there's a new queen waiting
to burst out, apparently.

And she's not going to put another
foot wrong,

even in this ,-miles-from-home
dust bowl of an inferno.

None taken.

Goodnight.

Cark.

♪ Pleased to meet you

♪ Satan's my name

♪ I can make you sin

♪ I can make you feel pain

♪ I can twist

♪ I can make you seduce me

♪ Want to do the Watusi?

♪ You can call me Lucy

♪ Satan Satan's a woman

♪ Satan Yeah, I'm a woman

♪ Satan Satan's a woman

♪ Satan
Oh, yeah, I'm the evil one. ♪