01x05 - Emu Meat

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Queen of Oz...
Jessica Bramer.

How do you even remember me?
She was one of the girls at school

who used to bully me. They used to
throw sweets and oink at me.

"You'll never be queen.
You're too fat to be queen."

"Fatty, fatty, queen, queen."

- SHE EXCLAIMS, DOG YAPS - Oh!

Teddy... Should I call you
"daughter"?

- Ma'am? Oh!
- SHE EXCLAIMS, DOG YAPS

"Koala ears". That's what she used
to call me.

That's a cute nickname.
How about Princess Pubes?

That's not so nice.

This is all your fault.
"Talk to her, you'll feel better.

"Trust me." That's what you said.

Yeah, talk to her,
not verbally induce labour.

The baby's coming.
Oh, my God. Can I smell urine?

I'm not urinating!
Well, someone's urinating.

Stop saying "urinating"!
Oh! It's crowning. Argh!

I'm about to marry a man
I don't love. Wow.

Throw into the mix the headache
of choosing which crown to wear

and you can see why I'm such a mess.

GEORGIANA LAUGHS
And it wasn't the first time anyway.

LIGHT POLITE LAUGHTER

Rebecca?

So I'm sure you'll find Australia
is a business friendly,

highly globalised economy

with bountiful natural resources
and seamless access

to the Asia Pacific market.

It's a very exciting time
for the microchip industry

and we are confident Australia
will be the ideal location

for you to open your new factory.

That's our pitch.

Can I get an amen?

Inappropriate.

Look, I'll be frank with you, ma'am.

It's down to you and Switzerland.
Switzerland?

Lazy people.

Far more interested in yodelling
and hoarding n*zi gold

than they are in working.

SHE CHUCKLES

And how has your tour of Australia
been so far, Mr Frusctaine?

WHISPERED: Stop it.

I have to say that,
for a first world country,

I expected Australia to be a
little less, let's say, rugged.

Ah... Oh, John, don't be fooled
by our majestic terrain.

We're a thriving, contemporary,
high-tech country.

So's Switzerland, without being
covered in red dirt

and ridiculous animals.

sh*ts fired, sir.

There is no such thing
as a ridiculous animal,

although the numbat does
slightly undermine my argument.

LAUGHTER

I would hate for you to fall for the
trope that Australia

is a primitive backwoods wasteland.

STRAINED: For God's sake,
what is the matter with you?

What?

SHE SCREAMS

THEY ALL YELL

Oh, my...!

HE SCREAMS

It's OK, it's OK...

Queen Georgie once again
hitting the headlines today.

JONESY: We need investment
in this country.

I just feel that she's let us down

and, you know, like, it's a snake!
It's a snake.

We've all had snakes
on the dinner table.

It's very unfortunate
what's happened.

Embarrassment, totally.

Probably the less I say
about that one, the better.

RADIO HOST: She finally had a chance

to do something good
for our economy,

and she just couldn't control
a snake? What?!

I think that she's just a regular
old lady who is trying to do

her best and everybody's
a little bit out for her.

Ginge and minge.

Whinge, sorry. Whinge.

Pain in the arse.

Uh...

Have you seen this?

Hmm?

"Big deal SNAKED by Swiss." Har-har.

While I'm trying to drum up business
for this backwoods wasteland.

Meanwhile, we'll probably get
a couple of wombats

sh1tting in the bed tonight.
They come out in cubes.

What? Wombats, their faeces come out
in cubes. Interesting fact.

In no way is it. And never use
the word faeces round me again.

You know what this is?

Um... My idea of hell.

It's Nepal. I was thinking we could
honeymoon there.

Oh, do stop.

All anyone talks about lately
is wedding arrangements.

Matthew's been titting about with
the seating plan for over a week.

It is approaching.
Yes, like an oncoming train.

There's this great volunteering
programme where you get to

help teach families
sustainable agriculture.

I'm sorry, have we met?

We can make a big difference.
Yes, by writing a big cheque!

Come on, it'd be great.
Just the two of us.

No press, really getting
our hands dirty.

The only dirty thing I want touching
my hands right now is a martini.

I can think of... one
other dirty thing.

No, I'm done here.

I'm done talking about honeymoons,

I'm done talking about wedding
plans. I just...

I just want to be left alone.

We need to talk wedding dress.

I'm going to kick you
in your throat.

ROYAL ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS

sh*t.

Shitter.

Shittest.

Spoke too soon.

Hold on - you think
I'm a bridal jacket age?

Anabel suggested that, Your Majesty.

It has nothing to do with your age.

It's about hiding your body flaws.

My body flaws.
Obviously, not all of them.

But you can't get married
in a burqa, can you?

Next.

Now, this one's my favourite.

Well, that would usually
disqualify it immediately,

but that's actually not bad.

And it would be a great PR win
for us because that dress is made

out of recycled materials.

It's made out of rubbish?
No, ma'am, recycled materials.

They get reprocessed into new
fibres and then spun

into a gorgeous new fabric.
So it's made out of rubbish?

At least consider it, ma'am.

You have a massive platform. Rude!

Just by wearing a recycled dress,
you're helping save the planet.

Oh, give it a rest, Zoe.

Planet's fine.
Actually, it's not, is it?

Let's face it,
it's melting before our eyes,

so, yeah, absolutely. Why not?

Why not get married in a dress
made of decomposing flip-flops?

Count me in. And while you're at it,
knock me up a little bridal jacket

out of an old mattress. Can't wait!

Oh. A moment of your time, ma'am.

Is this about the wedding?
No. What is it about?

The after-wedding reception.
Now, would you like your guests

to have the choice...

MUFFLED ATTEMPTED SPEECH

I can do this all day.

And FYI, Ryan Reynolds is a hard no.

Ma'am. I finally finished the
seating chart.

It took me absolute weeks...

SHE SIGHS

DOG GROWLS

DOG YAPS

UNDER HER BREATH: Oh...

God.

SHE SCREAMS

Sorry... You startled me.

I can only imagine the shock
of someone slowly turning round.

What are you doing out here?

It seems there's still a lot
to be done before the wedding.

Yes, Sylvia, there is.

Ah...

I just... need a moment.

To myself.

I see.

How did you sleep?

What? I was just wondering
how you slept last night.

Why do you care how I slept?
Oh, no particular reason, no.

Then why do you ask?
I was just wondering how you slept.

Are you secretly writing
a tell-all about me?

SHE LAUGHS

Teddy said you had
a wicked sense of humour.

SHE CHUCKLES

Think you'll sleep well on your
wedding night?

Your Majesty?

SYLVIA EXCLAIMS

Oh...

Do excuse me for interrupting.

No, do, please - interrupt.

The Prime Minister is waiting
for you, ma'am.

Is she? Of course she is. Excellent.

And also, what a shame we can't
continue this little chat.

Shall we have lunch after?
Teddy won't be back until late.

We can talk wedding make-up
so you don't look so ruddy.

- FORCED CHUCKLE
- That's a great idea.

She kept asking me how I slept.
Who does that?

Is that what real families do?
Thank God mine rarely speak to me.

My wife takes great interest
in how I'm enjoying my tea.

Every bloody sip.

I didn't realise we had a safe word
for when Sylvia gets too boring.

Ma'am? "Prime Minister"?

Nice work. Oh...

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

Good afternoon, Your Majesty. sh*t!

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

Ma'am?

IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: Ah, no,
love... Sorry, er... Er...

Ya... Mrs... Your... Your... worship.

I know it's you.

Nah, what?

Shut up!

Nah, the Queen's not here...

Well, she's here, but, you know,
I'm not her, so you can...

You know, you should probably...
So... So...

IN NORMAL ACCENT: You were supposed
to be a safe word!

I am not doing this today.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Safe word. Safe word! No!

- No way.
- DOG YAPS

That girl needs a good night's
sleep.

This is why I'm a Republican.

CAR ENGINE STARTS

We're leaving. What?

Where? Anywhere that isn't here.

Ma'am...

We can't take you off the grounds

without setting up
security protocols in advance.

I'm getting this car and
driving off with or without you.

And FYI, I don't know how to drive,

so you can either... drive me...

- HORN HONKS - ...or...

you can stay here and...

find yourself another job.

Is you in or is you out?

HE SIGHS

Get in the back.

HORN HONKS

MUSIC: Mess Around
by Super Wild Horses

♪ I got a message for you

♪ It goes ooh-ooh-ooh

♪ What are you gonna do

♪ When I go out of town?

♪ Cos when I'm flying away

♪ I won't be staying at home
any more, no, no

♪ I'm gonna mess around... ♪

Where are we going?

Good question. Anywhere we go,
there's a security risk.

Oh, lighten up.
No-one wants to k*ll me.

I can think of at least one.
I can take care of myself.

With respect, ma'am, when you saw
a cockroach in your room,

you asked if I could, quote, "burn
Macquarie House to the ground"

"and make it look like an accident."
And if you know of a better way

to get rid of a cockroach,
I'd love to hear it.

MUSIC CONTINUES ON RADIO

You're not as angry with me
as you're making out.

Oh, yeah? What gives you that idea?

This business.

It's called a tell.

It's called an itch. Mm-hm.

In the wild, scratching your neck
means you want to be groomed.

It's a sign of affection.

Right... Well, in this case,
it's just a sign of a mozzie bite.

Sorry to disappoint you.

Makes no difference to me.

Tell it to David Attenborough.

He's the one who keeps banging on
about it.

Look, if you're just going to sit
there seething, I can drive myself.

Except you don't know how to drive.

I can figure it out. Really? Which
one of these pedals is accelerator?

That's a trick question. There's
no such thing as an accelerator.

Oh, but there is. Yeah, I know,
it's the one on the right.

Wrong. Correct, because it's the one
on the left.

Incorrect, cos it IS the one
on the right. Mm...

QUICKLY: Who am I,
who am I, who am I?

NASALLY: Incorrect, because
it IS the one on the right.

I actually thought it was in the
middle.

This is bullshit! There's , more
details to be signed off on

and she just decides to take the
rest of the day off.

I believe that's called being a
sovereign. It's not cool!

We've been working our arses off
for weeks on this.

And I believe that's
called "having a job".

Hold on, are you all getting paid
for this?

Well, what can we do
if she's not here?

Celebrate!

CORKS POP

FEEL-GOOD INDIE MUSIC PLAYS

Can't believe that bitch gets
to eat this good every day.

HE LAUGHS

Yeah-eah!

MUSIC STOPS, DOG YAPS, SHE EXCLAIMS

Don't worry, darling.
She'll be here soon. She will!

MUSIC RESUMES

We're here. And "here" is where?

The one place I could think
of where we wouldn't be seen.

So the beginning of every
true-crime docu-series.

No, the current here would just push
your corpse right back on shore.

Further up the beach would do
the trick. Comforting.

My family's owned this place
since I was a kid,

but they rarely come any more,
so... you'll be safe here.

- ALL: Surprise!
- PARTY HORNS HONK, g*nsh*t

THEY YELP

Marc? Mum?

What's everyone doing here?
Your cousin Luke's surprise party.

You were on the email chain!
That's today?

Hey, bud, you said you were working.

This is most certainly work, Dad.
What's everyone doing here?

WEAKLY: Hey. Surprise...
Surp... Surprise.

I had no idea! Um, do we have a
paper towel or something?

I think Uncle Cliff just got sh*t.

I'll go get one... Hey... Cool!

sh*t. Sorry, Uncle. Don't worry,
mate. It's just a scratch.

It'll give me something
to talk about at the RSL.

I'll be right with you, ma'am.

Who are ya talking to? The Quee...

Ah, sh*t.

Where are you going?

You may have noticed, but happy
family time isn't quite my thing.

Please, ma'am, you don't
know what you're doing.

Says the man who just sh*t
a pensioner?

What's going on, bub?

I've got to get back to work, Mum.
Come on. Just ten minutes, please?

I miss my little Marcy Marc.

You just sh*t your Uncle Cliff. The
least you could do is check on him.

Ten minutes, not a minute longer.

Thank you, ma'am. Oh, don't
thank me. The pleasure's all mine,

little Marcy Marc.

Hey, hello. Hey, hello.

Oh, this smells good.

Oh, my boy! Hey, Mum.

Aw... Don't sh**t!

Hey, Dad. Son.

And who's your little friend?

Mum. Mate, you've done well for
yourself.

Oh, Dad! Frank!
What?! It's a compliment!

Hi, I'm Ruth, Marc's mum.

Hello. Aw, come here. Oh, Mum...
Um, Mum. Mum, don't!

What? It's fine... It's... fine.
Oh...

It's fine.

Oh... Oh! Mm-hm.

How do you do?

Very well, thank you.

LAUGHING: Can you believe this?

We've got the f*cking Queen
in our house!

THEY LAUGH

Excellent.

Come on, Bernard.
I rarely drink and I detest games.

Can you even imagine how I feel
about drinking games?

SINGSONG: Boring!

OK. Matthew's go.

Um, never have I ever...

lied to anyone in this room.

Wait, what?

You guys haven't lied to me,
have you?

THEY SPLUTTER, LAUGH

OK, never have I ever
slept with someone

and then immediately regretted it.

Oh, my God. Who? Ew, so many.

But the most regretful was
my cousin Barton.

Your cousin? Distant, I hope.

Oh, God, yeah.

He barely looked at me.

Uh, never have I ever fantasised
about slapping the Queen so hard

that she bites her tongue off,
it falls onto the floor,

Clint eats it, and she's never
able to speak again.

Wow, that's specific.

THEY LAUGH

I am appalled by this boorish
and malevolent behaviour.

You've all sunk to a new level
of disrespect

that I will not be party
to any longer.

THEY LAUGH

DOG YAPS

So you're from England? Yes, I am.

- That's mad.
- SHE CHUCKLES

The buses are funny.
Yes, I've always thought so.

Yeah. I'm sorry, Your Majesty,
I'm sure you like champagne,

but this is the best we've got.

The champagne of beers.
Well, then, it must be good.

Mm-mm!

Like an ' Cristal in a tin can.

Thank you. You're welcome,
Your Majesty. Stop bowing, Dad.

I haven't seen you in six months,
and all you do is fuss.

Do you like it?

I do.

I have to say, I was a little
thrown -

I've never eaten off a paper plate.
But it is delicious.

It's emu meat.

Oh, my...

- Oh, my God!
- CHUCKLING

I'm jo... Oh, my...!
I'm joking. I'm joking.

Because that's fun! It's fun for me.

THEY GIGGLE

There! Now you don't look common.

Oh... Well, less common.
Wow, thanks.

You're welcome. OK...

IN POSH ACCENT: Who am I, who am I,
who am I?

If you don't bring me my whisky
immediately,

I'll punch you in the throat.

My nanny!

No...

Oh...

We should probably get going.

But I haven't finished
my champagne beer.

It's been past ten minutes,
and a deal's a deal.

WOMAN CHATS IN DISTANCE
She's an ex? Yeah.

She's pretty. Yep.

In her prime. Uh-huh.

Fit. I know. Quite the catch...
Yes, all of those things.

All right, well, don't let me
cramp your style.

There's a lot of history there.
History can be good. But no future.

Lot of history, but no future.
Title of your autobiography.

Oh-ho!

Oh, someone's with the comebacks
today. Here all... Here all week.

SHE CHUCKLES

Try the emu meat.

HE LAUGHS

SHE EXCLAIMS

Oh...

Oh, you startled me. I thought you
might have been the queen.

Ah! Well, you're in luck.

I am practically
the next best thing.

I am rd in line to the throne.

Or is it th?

There's Freddie, Georgie...

Albert, Horace, Chester...

Florence, Iris, Herman...

Oh, sh*t. I forgot Bertram! Oh...

There's Freddie, Georgie, Albert,

Horace, Chester, Florence,

Bertram, Iris, Herman...

You think you know,
but you don't know sh*t.

Of course! Of course there are
perks and privileges

that have been lavished upon me,

unjustifiably so, some may say,

and I'm not blind to that reasoning.

But let me tell you something.

While they are giving you
the yachts and the palaces

and the jewellery, with one hand,

with the other, they're taking
something in return.

And do you know what that is?

You!

Because a royal's life is
never their own.

We were once the rulers, but now we
are the ones being ruled -

by bureaucrats, by public opinion,

by the f*cking media.

That is who we must now
bow down before.

So you do or you don't want
another beer?

Do.

THEY LAUGH

I mean, we all get beaten up
every once in a while,

but Matthew gets destroyed.
I know, right?

She turns me into a nervous wreck
whenever she's around.

Yeah.
You're a real James Bond otherwise!

HE COUGHS, SPLUTTERS

I can barely sleep at night.

And now I have big patches of eczema
on my back. Oh, my God. Disgusting!

Why don't you get another job?!
Because I'm too scared to quit.

Aw, Jesus, Matthew.

I know! What's even worse is
my name is not Matthew.

What? It's Craig.
What?! You got to be joking!

Are you serious? She started
calling me Matthew on the first day.

I have been too frightened

to correct her ever since.
Oh, my God...!

LAUGHING: Craig...!

THEY LAUGH

HE COUGHS, SPLUTTERS

Alec, Thomas,

Arthur, Daisy, Anna,

Richard... sh*t...

Is it, Arthur, Daisy, Anna,

or Anna, Daisy, Arthur? Uh...

I'm a bit lost.
No, it's Arthur, Daisy, Anna.

I'll start again. Mm-hm.

Freddie, Georgie, Albert, Horace,

Chester, Florence, Bertram...

Your Majesty! May I have this dance?

Oh, no, Frank. No.

Well, even the Queens have got
to dance! I know, but not...

Not tonight. You sure?
Dad's got some moves.

It's a hard pass, fellas.

All right, then. Suit yourself.

I draw the line at dancing.

We can leave whenever you're ready,
ma'am.

What, and go back to Wedding
Planning Central? No, thank you.

We can stay a bit longer.

MUSIC: Whoomp! (There It Is)
by Tag Team

♪ Party people! ♪ Marc?

Your song? Won me the silver medal
in the Year talent show.

Yes, yes...

Come on, Marc! No, no...!
Oh, come on.

Take it from me - you do not want to
disappoint the public!

It's my birthday! Come on, Marc!

♪ And it goes a little
something like this! ♪

- THEY CHEER
- ♪ Tag Team, back again

♪ Check it to wreck it, let's begin

♪ Party on, party people
Let me hear some noise

♪ DC's in the house
Jump, jump, rejoice

♪ Says there's a party over here
A party over there

♪ Wave your hands in the air
Shake the derriere

♪ These three words
mean you're gettin' busy

♪ Whoomp, there it is! Hit me!

ALL: ♪ Whoomp, there it is!

♪ Whoomp, there it is!

♪ Whoomp, there it is!

♪ Whoomp, there it is!

♪ Whoomp, there it is...! ♪
Let's go, let's move!

♪ Whoomp, there it is!

♪ Whoomp... ♪

THEY CHEER

♪ Whoomp, there it is!

♪ Upside down and inside out

♪ I'm 'bout to show all you folks
what it's all about

♪ Now it's time for a... to get
on the mic

♪ And make this mother... party hype

♪ I'm takin' it back
to the old school

♪ Cos I'm an old fool
who's so cool... ♪

MUSIC CONTINUES

Robert, Sara, Marcus,

Clara, Lucy...

- Oh!
- SHE LAUGHS

I forgot me again!

SYLVIA SIGHS

Ma.

There you are.

Teddy, thank God!

It's so good to see you.

Let's just go with rd.
rd in line.

WHISPERED: That woman is such
a boring twat.

Thank you for letting us get
some more time with our son.

No - thank YOU.

Without it, I wouldn't have got to
see little Marcy Marc's performance.

I saw how much you enjoyed it,
so I made you a plate of emu

to take back home.

Thank you, Ruth.

Come back soon, eh?

You work on those dance moves,
and I'll consider it.

- Hey!
- HE LAUGHS

Oh, well, you two drive safe now.
And we'll see you again.

Love yous. Love you! Love you, son.
All right.

Emu meat!

MARC CHUCKLES

Wow.

Sorry. When the family gets
together, they can be a bit wild.

Hope it hasn't been too much.

I think it's been just
the right amount.

You surprised me tonight.

Then again, you always do.

You should put something on that.
On what?

That mozzie bite.

I don't have a mozzie bite.

Shall we?

MUSIC: Physical
by Olivia Newton-John

♪ I'm sayin' all the things
that I know you'll like

♪ Makin' good conversation

♪ I gotta handle you just right

♪ You know what I mean

♪ I took you to an intimate
restaurant

♪ Then to a suggestive movie

♪ There's nothin' left to talk
about... ♪

Thank you.

Your Majesty.
♪ Unless it's horizontally

♪ Let's get physical, physical

♪ I wanna get physical

♪ Let's get into physical

♪ Let me hear your body talk

♪ Your body talk

♪ Let me hear your body talk

♪ Let's get physical, physical

♪ I wanna get physical

♪ Let's get into physical

♪ Let me hear your body talk

♪ Your body talk

♪ Let me hear your body talk... ♪

Can I come in?

Oh, God...

I take it you had a nice time?

I did.

I'm sorry.

SHE SIGHS

Yeah...

MUSIC: Koala Bear
by Johnny Devlin & The Devlins

♪ I wanna cling to you like a baby

♪ Koala

♪ When I hold you close

♪ Like you want me to

♪ Baby, don't run away

♪ Like a scared emu

♪ Well, I wanna give you some
lovin'

♪ Any place, anywhere

♪ I don't wanna lose you
cos I really care

♪ I wanna cling to you

♪ Like a baby koala bear

♪ Can't you feel my heart

♪ When I'm close to you?

♪ Well, it's hoppin' so fast

♪ Like a kangaroo

♪ Well, I wanna give you some
lovin' Any place, anywhere

♪ I don't wanna lose you
cos I really care... ♪