01x06 - I'm Not Marrying a Gorm

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Queen Of Oz...

SCREAMING

We need to talk - wedding dress.

I'm going to kick
you in your throat.

MUFFLED SPEECH

I can do this all day.

We're leaving.

Where? Anywhere that isn't here!

Is you in or is you out?

ALL: Surprise!

g*nsh*t YELPING

Mark? Mum!
What's everyone doing here?

Oh. Mate, you've done
well for yourself.

Dad! Frank. What? It's a compliment.

We can leave whenever you're ready,
Ma'am.

What, and go back to wedding
planning central? No, thank you.

I take it you had a nice time.

I did.

Thank you.

Your Majesty.

All anyone talks about lately
is wedding arrangements.

It is approaching.
Yes, like an oncoming train.

ANGELIC VOICES SING

For be ye well assured that
so many as are coupled together

otherwise and God's Word doth allow
are not joined together by God,

neither is their matrimony lawful.

Theodore Gorm Anderson, wilt thou...

Stop! No, objection.

Erm... WHISPERING: Sorry.

I-Is there a problem, Your Majesty?

Indeed there is.

You said his middle name is Gorm?

I... I beg your pardon?

Have I m-mispronounced it?

I certainly hope so.

Gorm is short for Guttorm -
a Danish king.

My family's traced its roots
all the way back to...

Back to Hans Christian.
Nobody bloody cares.

I'm not having millions of people
watch me marry a Gorm.

Millions! It's not like
it's Gogglebox.

Tomorrow's ceremony is going
to be glorious, Your Majesty.

I doubt anyone will be worrying
about a middle name.

Tomorrow's headlines -
Georgie's groom's a gormless Gorm.

Everyone all right with that?
It's just pre-wedding jitters.

You're looking for problems.
Perfectly normal.

Change your name
or the wedding's off.

Of course I will change the name.

Nothing is going to stop me
putting a ring on your finger.

Nothing?

Not one single thing.

Okey-dokes.

REGAL MUSIC PLAYS

It's your big day, ma'am.

So today you might want to try
stumbling out of bed

sometime before dusk.

HE YELPS

Must you always sound
like a trapped kitten?!

You're awake? Yes, Weiwei.

It's something I've managed
to accomplish every day of my life.

Nearly every day.

And we're still betting on
the last-minute exercise regime

to squeeze into our dress?

Well, seeing as the last-minute
eating disorder

I prayed for was denied me,

this is where we find ourselves.

Now, why don't you piss off
downstairs and get me

a litre of hot water
and oz of leafy green.

And your bacon and pastries?

Get rid of all that.

I told you, I'm a vegan now.

Oh, it's just melting right off.

Your body is the consistency
of blended tofu.

So save the body shaming
for your own mirror.

Don't think that I don't already.

FLOORBOARDS SHAKE

Good Lord, that's not
a pretty sight.

Well, that's a bit much
coming from someone

who looks like a shucked oyster.

Weiwei kept refilling my wine glass
at rehearsal dinner.

So now I know how you must feel
most mornings.

Hold on. You are hungover
the first day I'm not?

Well, I'm going to need
a moment to savour this.

If my head didn't feel as if it was
about to birth hyenas,

I'm sure I would share
in the ironic delight.

Suck it up, old boy.

Breakfast of champions.

Three paracetamol, pint of Ribena,

four pickles, kosher, not dill.

You'll be good as gold.

Old family recipe?

Arguably the only thing my family
passed down to me of any worth.

That, and my third nipple.

If I may, ma'am,

I realise today might not
be what you envisaged,

or more specifically, who,
but your self-sacrifice

for the sake of the crown
has not gone unnoticed.

Thank you, Bernard.

If only my parents felt
the same way.

Their arrival today speaks louder

than anything
they would ever say to you.

You're right.

And I am grateful for even
the smallest of gifts.

God, I sound like
an inspirational pillow.

Right. Everything's
running on schedule.

Please, feel free
to start without me.

If I'm late, it will be most
likely because

my head has caved in on itself.

: - Final make-up and hair.

: - Her Majesty will be sewn
into her wedding dress.

Good luck with that.

: - The royal carriage will take
her to the church

for a : arrival,

where His Royal Highness will escort
his daughter down the aisle.

HE SOBS

CHUCKLING: Oh, what? It's romantic.

I'm sure I'm not the only one here.
You absolutely are.

Sorry, I'm a crier. OK?

I cry when I'm happy.
I cry when I'm sad.

I cry when my fiancee strokes my...

Oh, gosh! My goodness. Oh, mate.
MURMURING

hand! When she strokes my hand.

I wasn't going to say my...
WHISPERING: penis.

- Stop saying things!
- MURMURING

For God's sake...

All right, everyone.

So we've been over the post-wedding
details , times,

so everybody already knows...

Question.

And this has to do with today,
Anabel?

Yes, it does.

What is it?

Did anyone else find the Wi-Fi
a bit spotty on Thursday?

What has that got to do with today?

Because TODAY it's working fine.

Oh, my God.

Let me remind everyone
that the world will be watching.

Now's our chance to right
all our previous wrongs,

win the hearts of Australia,

and prove that our Queen
deserves to sit on her...

On her...

Throne. Fat arse.

What Bernard is trying to say,

but failing at disturbingly,
is simply -

don't be sh*t.

It's my wedding day,
so why don't we all go crazy and,

for once, give competence a try?

Absolutely. Yes. Yes, ma'am.

Now, I know I don't
say this very often -

or ever -

but I do appreciate all of you.

I know how much hard work
has gone into today.

And from the bottom of my heart,

thank you.

- Aw.
- HE SOBS

So go and f*cking do something.

HE GROANS

Fair chance it's a stroke,
given your age.

Oh, honestly.
I'm perfectly all right.

Just a nap and I'll be gold as good.

What the hell have you taken?

Well, I just took those pills
you gave me.

Erm...

Oh.

Ooh. What?

You know how
I like to self-medicate?

No. Well, I do.

And I'm terribly sorry,

I appear to have roofied you.

Is that bad?

Well, I mean, not for me,
it just takes the edge off.

But, for you, I'd just be thankful
I'm not a woman in a nightclub.

Oh, God.

The wedding.

You said everything's taken
care of, though.

Everything's in order, isn't it?

Yes...
Well, that's all right, then.

The redding wings...

What about the WEDDING RINGS?

- Bernard?
- HE MUMBLES

What about the wedding rings?

HE SIGHS

HE HUMS

SAFE BEEPS

HE GROANS
Pull your sh*t together, Bernard.

Not helping.

Sorry.

Can you remember the password?

Mm, something about you.

Queen!

No, I don't think that's it.

Let's... Oh, try rude.

SAFE BEEPS

Spoiled?

SAFE BEEPS

Narcissist.

You're on your own.

How many "L" s in trollop?

Ma'am, we might have a small issue.

Might or do?

Do. We do have a small issue.
How small?

A large... Very large.

I'm going to drop-kick
you in your head.

It's your royal carriage.
Whatever it is, just fix it.

Unfortunately, it's not that simple.

There's been a case of equine herpes
virus myeloencephalopathy.

English, please.

Horse herpes. Horse herpes?!

Where have they been stabled?

Ibiza in the ' s?

The head equerry says it's highly
transmissible and potentially fatal,

and so they all need to be
quarantined.

I just need them to pull the bloody
carriage, not suck each other off.

That's what I told him.

Well, not the...

SHE SMACKS LIPS

That is scissoring if anything,

you soft, little prune.
Yes, ma'am.

This is all your fault.

I'm really just the messenger,
ma'am.

Even so, I'm still considering
throwing a bit in your mouth

and having your prepubescent
legs pull me along!

Yes, ma'am.

What is all this sh*t?

Where's all the real food?

I knew you'd be hungry,

so you'll be pleased to know
I had the chef make you

a lovely lentil, broccoli
and tahini wrap.

No. I'll be pleased to know
you are getting me

a lovely bacon cheeseburger -
no mayo.

No mayo? Oh, right. You don't want
to get fat before your wedding.

Make it double bacon.
But you're a vegan now.

And by definition, veganism...

A vegan is a person who will rip
someone's nose off

their pompous face and eat it

when they don't get the double bacon
cheeseburger they've ASKED for.

Angry says, what?

What? Is now a bad time, ma'am?

If it's still today, then, yes.

Nerves getting the better of you.

How would you feel if millions
of people were about to watch you

marry a man who was way,
way more than you deserve,

but at the same time,
not what you want?

I feel like I'd made some
very unexpected life choices.

If I may, I think Teddy's
a great guy.

So was Mahatma Gandhi.

I just wouldn't want to spend
the rest of my life with him.

Fair. Plus, I heard
he was selfish in bed.

LAUGHING: Hm-hm!

Look, you don't have to...

Yeah, I know what you're
going to say.

It's not too late to call
the whole thing off.

No, it's way too late. Ah.

Which is a pity.

And why is that?

Because everyone deserves
to be happy, even you.

Well, being royal requires
many things.

Unfortunately, being happy
isn't one of them.

Look, we...

Hey, you two.

Uh... Big day. Oh, no, nothing.

Just... That was happening,
and it's delicious,

and you should try that, so...

I don't know about delicious, but...

W-What are you doing here?

Well, went on a cheeky coffee run.

Got everyone their faves.

Erm... Don't look at me.
That is bad luck.

Oh, come on. You don't believe
in all that, do you?

Uh, yes. Yeah, actually, I do.
Thank you. That's very kind.

Is this my... Yep. One sh*t,
two pumps, extra foam, kids' temp.

Love you. Shut up!

Ah, it takes a special kind
of person to love her.

That it does, sir.

REPORTER: Well, what a huge day
for Australia.

The royal wedding,
the first on our soil.

It's going to be a magnificent day.

REPORTER : We are excited
about this wedding.

It's a day off!

I'd celebrate the return of smallpox
if it meant getting a day off.

CHEERING

The hot topic of the day?

The Queen's getting married.

It is incredibly exciting.
MAN: Yeah.

The Queen's parents are
flying in today.

Australia's agog,
lining the streets.

I'm really pumped for this.

Good on you.

Catch up later. OK?
We'll have a chat.

Prime Minister. Richard.

If you're here, how all those
intrusive, misogynistic articles

going to get written about me?

Oh, come on, Rebecca. Mm.

Anyway, you're hardly getting
a look-in these days,

thanks to this one. Mm.

I suppose that is one benefit
to having a queen.

I can't see it lasting much longer.

She's already trending downwards

and this facade's
just papering over the cracks.

No, we'll be back to splashing
your beach holiday photos

all over the front page in no time.
Don't you worry.

I don't have time for
beach holidays, Richard.

I'm too busy writing laws
to cr*ck down on tax havens

- for the super wealthy.
- HE CHUCKLES

Touche, love.

BERNARD: Disgrace.

BEEPING

HE GROANS

Ugh. Sh... Shambolic?

SAFE BEEPS

Gingernut!

Here she is.

Ooh! Wow. Wow. Stunning.

What a miracle, you actually fit.

Beautiful.

What are you doing in here?

I'm here to walk you down the aisle.

You most certainly are not.

Where's Daddy?

Yeah. Unfortunately, something came
up and they were unable to attend.

Now, let's just get this over
with - with no theatrics, please.

Something came up?!

That's what people say
when they can't be bothered

to come up with a decent lie.
I know - I use it often enough!

What kind of family doesn't
even turn up

for their own daughter's wedding?!

Well, it's best not to think of us
as a family and more as a business.

This was simply a business decision.

Interesting how the business had
no trouble being front and centre

when you married
Horsey McHorseface!

Oh, give it a rest.

Not everything needs to
revolve around

little Georgie Porgy's constant
feelings of neglect.

You know why they're not here?

Because they couldn't get
time off from Nando's?

Because they were concerned

that you and your team of misfit
toys here would cock this up!

And based on the swirling rumours
of HORSE HERPES,

they're already looking
pretty bloody prescient.

Well, I hate to break it
to you, Sally,

but my team have ironed
out the kinks,

and we are f*ring
on all cylinders now!

BERNARD: Ginger slut! Ha!

Excellent.

Now, before you fire on any
more cylinders

and burn down the f*cking church,

can we get this over with?

I'm not walking with you!

I'm your only family here.

Hello! Why does everyone always
forget we're related?

Oh, Anabel, I wish I could.

Oh, this is absurd. Let's go.

I am walking with someone
who treats me as family,

not a business.

- Bernard, would you...
- HE SNORES

God.

Zoe? I would, ma'am,
but I wonder about the optics.

God, no-one cares you're gay!

I'm not gay.

Ha! Ma'am, I would be so
incredibly honoured to be...

Nope.

I'm pretty sure we both
heard ourselves in the morning.

Pass.

Awkward.

What about Hemsworth?

The one with the big mallet thing.

Ah, he's a no-show, ma'am.

Well, it doesn't matter.
Any one of them will do.

Even the short, sad one.

They're all no shows, ma'am.

Shall we get down to business?

REPORTER: Queen Georgiana is just
about to leave for the church.

There'll be much excitement to see
the carriage leave the gates

of Macquarie House.

Built in ,

the royal carriage was first used
by the Queen's great-grandparents

on their first tour of Austr...

This is unexpected. The Queen is
heading to church in a...

Mid-size SUV?!

We were expecting
to use the carriage,

so we sent the limo to pick
up the Portuguese ambassador.

That's why we're in one
of our security cars.

Oh, well, at least the Portuguese
ambassador will arrive in style,

unlike us - who look like
we've taken a bloody Uber!

Oh, do shut the f*ck up, Fred.

Yeah, we should pick up
another fare.

Maybe go halfsies!

REPORTER: As Her Majesty makes her
way to the church,

there's an air of expectation
as people wait for a glimpse

of the Queen in her wedding dress.

It's really something
out of a fairy tale.

CHEERING

Oh, shut up. No, you shut...

Oh, shut up! No, you shut up.
Oh, shut up! You...!

How much longer?
I can't breathe in this dress

and the seat belt's ruining
the f*cking veil.

We are nearly there, ma'am.

Good things are happening
all the time.

Things always work out for me.

Good things
are happening all the time.

Things always work...

CHEERING

ENGINE STALLS

HE SIGHS

I mean... Oh, f*ck me.

Bingo Bobby Christmas.

CHEERING

CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH

Shut the door.

Such a laughing stock!

f*cking laughing stock, I am.

Well, which way? Where... Where...

I don't know where we're going,

we just have to get in.

We love you, Georgie!

Love you, Georgie!

CHEERING

Thank you.
CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH

- Oh, how lovely!
- CHUCKLING

That's lovely, isn't it?

Thank you so much. How are you?

If I'm not back in an hour,
call the police.

CHEERING

SCATTERED: Love you. We love you.

ORGAN PLAYS

SHE YELPS

Good luck.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered
here in the sight of God

and in the face of this congregation

to join together this man
and this woman in holy matrimony.

You look radiant.

UNDER HER BREATH: No sh*t.

For be ye well assured that so many
as are coupled together other

than God's word doth allow
are not joined together by God,

neither is their matrimony lawful.

Theodore Ace Anderson...

Pretty cool, huh?

Ridiculous... do you take this woman

to be your lawful...
Why are you sweating?

Wedded...

I think I'm just excited.

Well, you're about to become
a royal, and we don't do excited.

And forsaking all others,

keep thee only unto her

so long as ye both shall live.

I do.

THUD!

GASPING

Teddy. Teddy!

What are you doing?

Oh... No, I'm fine.

What... Fine. Get up, then.

It's just something I ate.

HISSING: Was it a car battery?
Can we do something?

What do we do? I don't know...
I think it's the wrap.

There was no, erm,

sesame seed in that, was there?

Course not! It was just lentils
and broccoli and tahini.

We've got a potential medevac.

Your Majesty, I believe
tahini is made from sesame seeds.

Of course it's not!

Oh, no, it is.
No, no, no - it's chickpeas.

I think I saw it on
Kitchen Nightmares.

You may be confusing tahini
with falafel, ma'am.

Oh, well, with all
the shouting on that show,

how's anyone supposed
to follow anything?

I'll be fine.
I just, erm, need my EpiPen.

Allow me to do the honours, Ace.

GASPING SHE SCREAMS

The almighty embarrassment.

The whole world watching

and now my wedding is ruined
because of a f*cking wrap!

This is why people
should not be vegan.

You never hear of anyone
having a meat allergy, do you?

Actually, Alpha-gal syndrome is
particularly...

I'm going to kick
you in your throat.

I mean, my God,
when we get things wrong,

we really go to town, don't we?

Team sh*t strikes again.

Just help me, please.

So, what do we do now?

I mean, he said, "I do,"
but you didn't.

So you're only half-married.

I mean, do we have another wedding?

No, we don't have another wedding.

We can't possibly!
We're barely hanging on as it is.

I can only imagine
what my parents will say.

Oh, we could have
the Archbishop come here

and finish the vows
when Teddy gets back.

Providing his face
hasn't blown up like a puffer fish!

Prime Minister, ma'am.

Oh, no.

Your Majesty.

If you are here to talk about
infrastructure, spare me.

You may have heard -
we've had a bit of a do this arvo.

Yes, ma'am.

Tahini, one. Teddy, nil.

It's been an unprecedented
day, for sure.

And now you're here to gloat.

Well, lap it up, Rebecca.

Bathe in the shimmering
glow of my humiliation.

Happy now, you miserable
f*cking Republican vulture?

My God.

Felt good.

- SHE CHUCKLES - Ma'am.

He's gone.

Who?

Teddy.

Gone where?

He's passed.

Away. He's passed away.

He's dead.

FAINTLY: He's dead?

Teddy's dead?

He's dead from...

From what?

A rapid onset allergic reaction.

But - the EpiPen!

There was no epinephrine
found in his system.

It was somehow empty.

That's...

Gone?

Oh.

My.

God.

I k*lled a man. I k*lled a man.
I k*lled a man. I k*lled a man.

Ma'am, in no way are you
responsible.

Honestly, before today,

who the hell even
knew what was in tahini?

I did. I did. I did.

Practically no-one.

Chickpeas, sesame seeds -

does anyone really care?

Outside of Teddy,
no-one comes to mind.

And the defective EpiPen obviously
wasn't your fault either.

I'm not sure it was quite
as much defective

as it was pre-used.

Pre-used? Dear God!

Have I ever mentioned
how I like to self-medicate?

Stop! Say no more.

OK, ma'am,
Richard Steele is circling.

He can smell blood in the water.

Of course he is, because he's
a bloodsucking, avaricious leach.

That reminds me,
I must call my wife.

OK. Perhaps we get out
ahead of anything he has.

We release a teary video
onto our socials and then...

And then that gives us a positive
bump in the right direction.

Oh, that's a good idea, Zoe.

The Queen announces her husband's
death on Tik Tok

while eating a bucket of hot wings?!

TV CHIMES IN BACKGROUND

REPORTER ON TV: was captured live
during the ceremony.

GASPING

Oh, God!

They were right.

I am a fuckup and a liability.

I prefer headstrong
and unconventional.

I've had some sh*t days in my time,

but, God, this is
the creme de la creme of sh*t days.

Maybe not as unpleasant as Teddy's.

Right.

Teddy.

Well, at least he's been spared
my final humiliation.

Disowned by my family and country.

Not sure that's on par with
fatal anaphylaxis.

Double bacon cheeseburger, no mayo.

Not spat in it, have you?

Not this time.

Well, little Georgie Porgy
has done it again, hasn't she?

Oh, have mercy, Fred.
I know what's coming.

There's no need to rub
my nose in it.

I'm referring to your uncanny
ability to always land

on your porky little feet.

What are you talking about? Ma'am?

You need to see this.

CROWD SINGING

♪ How sweet the sound

♪ That saved a wretch like me

♪ I once was lost

♪ But now am found

♪ Was blind... ♪

SINGING FADES OUT

That was incredibly moving.

How beautiful.
That song's a bit depressing.

They love you.

They finally love you.

It's not for me, it's for Teddy.

No, ma'am. There's so much sympathy
for you right now.

Your likability rating has sh*t up.

For God's sakes, Zoe!

A man has d*ed.

This is not the time to be...

How high?

Higher than you'd expect
for a floundering queen

who may or may not be responsible
for her husband's death.

I'll take it.

Does the palace know about this?

They do.

And?

The message is, at this moment in
time, they are not entirely

displeased with you.

Weiwei, champagne!

We need to celebrate.
And think about Teddy.

Think about Teddy.

Going to mourn.

With champagne.

INDISTINCT

I guess we're staying - for now.

The thought of being sent
home to my wife sends shivers

down my spine,
so try not to balls it up, ma'am.

No promises.

Right, you lot.

Looks like we're stuck
with each other.

Here's to Team sh*t.

ALL: To Team sh*t. And Teddy.

And Teddy. Right.

And Teddy.

HE GROANS

What happening?

It must be the grief.

AMUSED: I mean,
you can't be pregnant.

MUSIC: Flexin' by Tkay Maidza

♪ I just step in

♪ No conscience

♪ And I do it

♪ This is Tkay

♪ I don't have a conscience,
and I won't act responsible

♪ When I pull up, I'm flexin'

♪ You just do what
you're supposed to do

♪ I don't have a conscience,
and I won't act responsible

♪ When I pull up, I'm flexin'

♪ When I pull up, pull up

♪ Regular, regular

♪ You're so regular
I am no short of spectacular

♪ Break it up, break it up

♪ All of the cash,
stacking up fast, see me, I

♪ Set it up, set it up

♪ Look at my bag, look at my hair

♪ And I got multiple cellulars

♪ One for Japan, one for your man

♪ I do what I want with
no conscience

♪ Name on my neck and I'm ballin'

♪ Minding my business as always. ♪