(Distant siren) (Distorted voice on radio) (Ponting) I've always liked Mondays.
It's cos of school, see.
Never liked the weekends.
Huh.
Maybe I'm weird.
Mm
-hm.
Yeah.
I always liked to be doing.
Never liked to be watching.
Kick a ball about for hours, happy as Larry.
You wouldn't catch me on the terraces watching some other bugger doing it.
Never could understand how people hated Mondays.
cr*ck of dawn I'd be there, waiting to get up for school.
I'd be up and off like a rocket.
I just wanted to get away from my old man, I suppose.
You're a silly man, Andy.
How do I look?
- You ready?
- No.
Sit.
Oh, I don't know.
Let's not go just yet, hey? We're not due at the station for half an hour.
I'll put my boot down.
(Radiator hissing) Funny how I don't want to leave.
Don't want to lose it.
Not even for a while.
I'm always happy here.
You know that, don't you? The old calm in the eye of the storm, eh? Nah.
It's because it's your room.
I can feel it when I come through that door.
It's full of you.
It comes with paying the rent.
Tomorrow? ErWednesday.
I'll try Wednesday.
You are a very, very, extremely married, married man.
I'm a bloody lemming.
Ah, but they love it.
All those lemmings charging up the cliff.
(Sings) Here we go, here we go, here we go I'm telling you, it was not my fault.
He told me I failed.
He just stood there as cool as a cucumber and told me I failed.
- I couldn't believe it.
- Maybe the cat couldn't believe his eyes.
Look you, it was not my fault.
I was doing brilliantly until this Duffy, you are doing your driving test, you are driving along.
The cat's fingers are white with fear.
He says, "They're playing my song.
I'm gonna die.
" You then crash the car into a pedestrian bollard, sweetheart.
- Then you wonder why he failed you?
- It was not my fault.
Me, I would have adopted an inverse stance and passed you first time.
- There! You see?
- Just so you don't come back again.
- Clive.
- This is where you've been hiding.
Sutures, cubicle one.
- I nearly forgot.
May I be the first
- Uh
-uh
-uh.
I was first.
I failed, Charlie.
It wasn't my fault, Charlie.
I was doing really fine, then I swerved to avoid this bus stop.
"It just leapt out in front of me, Charlie.
Honestly.
" (West Country) Oh, my God, it was horrible.
Ooh! (Kuba) Hi, Duffy.
Hi, Charlie.
All right? Yeah.
For nine years I come for work half an hour early, and in the office doing my crosswords.
Megan is second to come and we sit and talk.
She's not very good in crosswords.
Now she's not here because she's at doctor's all the time.
She's just going to be a bit late, that's all.
It's not all.
Megan is my friend.
I want her to understand this.
I'm sure she understands it, Kuba.
If you're worried, why don't you have a chat to her? A chat? I can't have a chat.
I'm a man.
Megan's illness is a woman's illness.
- Oh, come on, Kuba
- No, no, it iswoman's illness.
(Man) Everything is fine, Harold.
You gotta rest now.
- And that's an order from Uncle Mickey.
- I'm registering you.
Loud and clear.
Lickety spit and shipshape, Hal.
You got that now? That's a roger, partner.
Could we have you gentlemen out now, please? Thank you.
- Thank you now, gentlemen.
- He's our mate.
All right.
Gentlemen, are we all standing round in the cold or are we all going inside for our television? Thank you, gentlemen.
- Mrs Eckels.
- Don't you fret, lady k*ller.
We'll look out for your belle amour.
- We were going to
- We'll explain, huh? We were going to meet tomorrow.
I don't want her to see me like this.
Not this way.
- All right, mate.
- Not like this.
Don't you worry, partner.
We'll explain everything.
- Not this way.
- Thank you, gentlemen.
You've held things up quite enough.
These men have work to do.
This sawn
-off hand comes flying out of the anatomy class window and lands on tops of his gearbox.
Students never change, do they? God help an unsuspecting public.
- Well, I must be off.
- I'll catch you later.
How many Kubas do you see? One Kuba.
Megan! Megan! One place, one time.
You're not supposed to be in two places at once.
- You are supposed to be in there
- What's all this hoo
-ha
-ha about? I have asked him to sort out the storeroom shelves.
It's like a village bazaar.
I told him yesterday Take that wheelchair to where it belongs.
This is a casualty unit, not a bus depot.
- Now go on.
- OK, I go.
- Do you mind?
- Excuse me, madam.
- See? I can drive.
- That's cheap.
- What is the problem?
- Just look at this.
I was trying to find a box of inco pads.
I couldn't even find the shelves.
I've been on at him for two days.
He hasn't done a sausage.
I may as well be talking to that floor.
Kuba has a brain like a plate of cold goulash at the best of times.
But he is working his little Polish butt off trying to cover for those contract cleaners.
Nine
-to
-five cleaning may be a marvellous invention but there happen to be some devils who will get sick outside those hours.
Full moon tonight.
You know what that means? We are going to have every kind of an eejit in here with toilet seats on their heads and God knows what.
I never knew you were interested in astrology.
Oh, I'm not.
No, I'm not.
But I did have a funny aunt once, you know.
I did.
She used to run around the garden in her pelt, singing.
She used to sing Jesus Wants Me For A Teardrop every full moon.
Do us a favour, will you? Lay off Kuba, hm?
- Yeah, OK.
- Thanks.
St Lucia Lake is a haven for hippos.
There are several hundred here, the most southerly population in Africa.
They live in herds of 50 or so in all parts of the lake, and they play a key role in its ecology.
For one thing, they defecate in the water I dozed right off.
Fancy missing the craic.
Bloke in the ambulance didn't seem too cheerful.
I reckon he could hear old Hal kicking the bucket a long way off.
They wouldn't let us go with him.
I guess the Oberlieutenant was scared that his boy scouts would escape.
I tell you, Arthur, it isn't decent shipping him off like that.
Not without him seeing Mrs Eckels it isn't.
- He nearly popped the question.
- Yeah, well, don't you worry.
We'll explain it for him, won't we? They should never have stopped us going.
Tis not right, him being on his own at the end.
What do you say, Arthur?
- We'll need a coat hanger.
- Eh? Say no more.
- Cubicle four.
- Right.
Hello, gorgeous.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? I'm just a teeny
-weeny question in a vast cosmic game of Trivial Pursuit.
- Name and address, please.
- I like your hair.
- It's yours.
- Just being sociable, love.
I'm being elusive and enigmatic.
When did you get the bang on the head? What bang on the head? I got no bang on the head.
I got I hurt my leg, didn't l? I thought you said you hurt your head.
Must have said something else.
No, I hurt it down the gym.
Me and my mates was working out.
- I was doing kung fu.
- Name please.
- What?
- Name.
Look inside your jacket.
Oh.
Osborne.
Marvin Osborne.
My mates just call me Marv.
Did you come by yourself, or did Mummy and Daddy bring you in a car? You'll be all right.
It's just a sprain.
Doctor will be back as soon as she's checked the X
-rays.
He had his tea and everything.
Watched The A
-Team, didn't you? Here, blow.
Never said a word.
- Strong, silent type, huh?
- Don't know why you said nothing.
It's not like I'd bite your nose off for spraining your ankle.
Never said a word.
Well, could have been very serious.
- True.
- Not a peep out of him.
Playing rugby, huh? Now that's a sissy's game, boy.
Wanna play cricket.
Sport of kings.
Catch.
(Laughs) I'll tell you what, you play cricket, practise real good, you'll play against the West Indies.
- But we'll b*at you.
- You wouldn't.
Course we would.
Catch.
- Thursday.
- Huh? Snooker.
Whirlwind Fairhead leads the Holby Hurricanes against the Bristol Royal B team.
I won't tell you what the B stands for
- ladies are present.
Those ain't no ladies.
Those are Dr Samuelses.
No excuse.
I've seen the sheets.
You're marked off.
Erno.
No, Thursday I can't.
Can't? (In German accent) What strange foreign tongue is this? I'm having dinner with a very old friend.
I can't get out of it.
I'm sorry.
She's not fond of snooker at all, is she? I'm gonna be terrific.
I'm sure you are.
- You'll miss me when I'm famous.
- Only if I throw something.
(Phone rings) It's like being back at school.
Shh! (Engine sputters) (Engine starts) Now! Tell him to rev her up! (Revs engine) You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
Now hear this.
Captain Michael Radford and his crew welcome you aboard Sweet Twilight flight 27, bound for Holby General Hospital.
We will be travelling at approximately 45 miles per hour, at an altitude of 30,000 feet.
Sweet Twilight Residential Care would like to thank you guys for dying with them.
Now please, gentlemen, extinguish your cigarettes, and refrain, gentlemen, from goosing the stewardesses, huh? (All laugh) (Charlie) Look, Sister, I was onto the staff nurse about 20 minutes ago.
No, we're keeping him down here till the bed gets clear.
The Geriatric registrar's already accepted him.
He's been up before.
That's right.
Lowell.
Eureka.
Look, he's likely to peg off any minute.
Uh
-huh.
Oh, that's great.
OK, well, give us a shout when it's clear.
OK.
Right.
Thanks.
- The old man?
- Uh
-huh.
- Not enough beds?
- Too many beds.
They were just about send down for him when two old boys popped off.
It's like the Night Of The Long Knives.
They'll admit him when they've sorted the others.
Hardly worth the effort.
I've seen that look too many times before.
- He won't be here for lunch.
- Should they send him to the home? Well, die in this place or one of those old places? He hasn't exactly been dealt a full house tonight, has he?
- We'll see you again, OK? Bye
-bye.
- Say goodbye.
Bye
-bye.
Right, next.
If he were the last man in the igloo I'd elope with the huskies.
- ErMr Osborne?
- Yep! Would you like to come round here please, love? And down flaps, we have landing, fellas.
I don't reckon we should park here.
- Huh? Why not?
- It's very dark.
That's the flipping idea! But somebody might walk into it and bang their knee.
And someone might get their collar felt by the bizzies for being in possession of a hot minibus.
Flagrante delicto, Lagger.
In other words, like a dodgy motor, huh? Ooh.
I hadn't thought of that.
Told you I was a brilliant driver, didn't l? Hello.
Do you know where you are? Dropped too much bevvy, haven't you?
- What's your address?
- 24 Holmes Crescent.
Isn't it exciting?
- What seems to be the problem, sir?
- The ankle.
I twisted it and it's gone over a bit and it's swelling up and it's painful and Hello, cowboy.
- I reckon he's been there a while.
- You phoned? That's right.
I reckon he's been here a while.
- Can you hear me?
- (Moans) Huh? Come on.
Let's get the cart.
It's a bit of a backwater round here, see? He could be lying there all night.
Lucky I come along.
There's a car back down the road there, parked halfway up the bloomin' fence.
I reckon he was trying to get help.
Going the wrong way though, wasn't he?
- Here.
- Going the wrong way, wasn't he? Wait a minute, Sammy.
Give me a moment, will you?
- What's the picture?
- Garden outside a party.
Knocking it back like the night before the Budget.
Woke up in the ambulance.
- Only booze?
- So she says, yeah.
Give me a minute.
I'll be straight back.
Follow me.
How are you feeling? Good girl.
I've got to take your clothes off, so can you give me a hand? Come on.
Had a bit too much to drink, have you? Never mind.
We all have to let our hair down from time to time.
You have to take your top off as well.
Good girl.
Can you do that yourself? Good girl.
Are you sure you only had something to drink at this party? You're quite sure about that? Nobody gave you any pills, did they? No? Good girl.
Come on, lie down again.
Good girl.
I'm not your mama.
I have to ask you these questions so we can look after you.
Good girl.
I'm just going to clear your mouth out a bit.
I reckon I'm owed one.
He'd still be lying there if it wasn't for me.
I reckon I'm due one.
I'll tell you what, when me and Mute are having tea with Lizzie next Thursday, we'll try and fix it for you for the Honours List, all right?
- I could have kept walking.
- I know.
Next time you're scraped off the road and put into the back of my ambulance, I'll let you off the fare.
(Man's voice on radio) Come on, drive, will you? Or are you waiting for a knighthood too? Feel a bit fresher? Good girl.
Tell me your name, please.
Your name?
- How are we doing?
- Just making ourselves presentable.
Tell me your name, please.
What's your name? No? Oh, well.
Never mind.
A lady's entitled to her secrets.
Charlie, RTA on the way.
Suspected head injury.
- Arriving in about five minutes.
- OK, I'll catch you in a minute.
I'd swear I know that face from somewhere.
- I ain't talking to no nurse.
- We're all professionally trained.
- There's no need to be nervous.
- I ain't.
I came to see a doctor.
- You'll have to see me first.
- I ain't talking to no bird, understand? Don't you dare call me a bird, sunshine.
- Why don't you piss off?
- Don't tell me to piss off! Who the hell do you think you are?
- I got my job
- Hey, hey! What's the problem? This guy thinks nurses are a lower life form.
Doc, get this bird to leave me alone, OK?
- I ain't talking to no nurse.
- Yes, you are.
- And I'm twice as big as you.
- Yeah, well, I meant a female.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I heard you.
- What's your problem?
- I just want to talk to a bloke, that's all.
Don't want to talk to no bleedin' bird.
- You want me to deal with it?
- Yeah.
You do it.
Give the public what it wants.
And I'll go and polish the corridor with my tongue.
(Slurps) (Loudly) Hurt my leg, didn't l, when I was doing judo.
- Here, doc.
- Nurse.
- Yeah, right.
- Ah, so! Look, I ain't really hurt my leg.
- Be with you in a minute, all right?
- (Clive laughs)
- (Osborne) It ain't funny!
- (Clive laughs) Mrs Eckels is at the Beaver Way.
- I thought you said she was a patient.
- Harry's here, miss.
- Right.
And you're?
- Confederates of the stricken party.
Starlight Colditz plc.
So get on the blower to the Beaver Way like a good girl.
The screws don't know we're out.
- Lagger!
- It's only a phone call! Cease! Now why don't one of you tell me what's going on while the rest of you take the weight off your feet.
Arthur.
That RTA.
I'll give you a hand.
- Got a patient in two.
- What is it?
- Boil on bum.
- Duff can do that.
- I want you in the crash room.
- OK.
- Duff, can you cover for Clive?
- But l Enter Juliet.
Hi there! How y'all doing there? Doctor will be along soon to incise you.
- Where's the spade gone?
- She won't be needing a spade.
She'll bring her own scalpel.
Won't be long.
Don't go away.
Bye.
(Laughter and loud music) (All whoop and laugh) (Siren blares) (Sandra) Pull over! We've got some idiots in front of us in a Granada, registration LOV 734P.
Repeat, LOV 734P.
- (Siren blares)
- Get out of the way! (Whooping, music blaring) (Andy) Hurry up and get on to the police.
Whoo! Full moon.
Time to eat your blood.
Location? I don't know where the hell we are! Hurry up! The wolf.
Eats sharp.
Oh, God! Keep an eye on him and get the police again.
- My arm!
- Come on, get out! My arm! Come on! Get him!
- My arm!
- No, leave it! No, there are no damn street signs.
It's just a maze.
Two of them ran off.
(Man screams) (Man ) Give me an ETA please, over.
15 minutes if there are no more lunatics.
- My arm hurts.
- I hope it does, boy.
I hope it does.
That's it.
The Beaver Way Ladies' Home.
Just keep ringing.
- There's no one answering.
- Keep ringing till they answer.
- It's after 11 :00.
- They're hardly all out on the town.
- It's very much improbable, that is.
- I meant they're probably in bed.
Give them another tinkle.
Look, I'm not supposed to be doing this.
All right, I'll try again, but take a seat over there with the other gentlemen.
You see, this is your SOS.
This is strictly your mercy mission.
No, just a bit of hair on the lino.
I turned my ankle very hard, you know.
They got a taxi to bring me here.
I thought you was a porter.
Worked here, I mean.
No, that's to keep the hairs off my shirt.
I like to keep clean when I'm working.
They don't have that attitude nowadays.
Keep yourself tidy, sets you up right for the job.
I don't know how I missed the oil.
This chap was talking about the boxing.
Not that I'm interested in the boxing, but a fella likes to talk.
- You've got your own shop?
- No.
Parted company three years ago.
Took redundancy.
Left London after 36 years.
Only short back and sides.
There was a skill.
Nice clean lines, that's what I like.
Mind you, you've got to have an eye for it.
Ah, so you're unisex.
(Laughs) I used to be a dealer.
Second
-hand cars.
I moved in with my son and his wife.
I look after the kids.
But I still do a bit in the evenings to keep my hand in.
Gives you a bit of independence, few bob each week to give to the kids.
Just to say you're contributing.
It gives you a bit of respect.
Yeah, sure.
I have an ad in the shop down our way.
I call round to fellas' homes.
It gets you out to meet people.
Only charge them a quid a throw.
That's not much, is it? On Thursdays I do the old folks' home, but only charge the pensioners 50p.
- 50p, eh?
- We live in a home.
The Gulag Archipelago, we calls it.
It were pleasant enough at first, and then they privatised us.
Some bugger's got shares in me.
He thinks I'm a telephone.
Oh, no.
Never wanted it like this.
Hey, Hal, Mrs Eckels is going to be coming in soon.
Is she ever going to put the skates onto you, pal.
I bought a wine
-coloured tie when I got me money.
I was going to have a shave, then I didn't feel too good, so I just lay down.
What are you talking about? You look fantastic.
Pal, you're a dead ringer for Anthony Quinn in Zorba The Greek.
You'll make her weak at the knees.
She's got arthritis.
No kidding? The honeymoon will finish her off, pal.
Never wanted it like this.
- She shouldn't see me like this.
- Take it easy, old buddy.
We're going to take care of everything, I promise you.
Mr Lowell, bearing up, are we?
- I'm Dr Samuels.
- Hi, Doc.
- Take good care of my buddy, huh?
- Don't worry.
We are.
Sorry about the delay, but you'll go up to the ward when your bed's ready.
- You feeling OK?
- I'd like a word, love.
- I wonder
- Sure thing, Doc.
Catch you later, Hal.
- Thanks.
- (Speaks quietly) All right, Mr Lowell.
I'll get a nurse to have a look at it for you.
Would you mind waiting in reception for a few minutes? You can come back when the nurse is finished.
She'll call you.
Hal.
Mr Lowell.
He's not coming home again, is he? Well, not immediately, certainly.
Well, like, I mean ever.
Hal is not ever coming home again.
It's all right, Doc.
You can't shelter us from death just because we have a pension book.
We live close to this kind of thing.
Don't you understand that?
- It's all right.
- I'm sorry.
It wasn't because of your age, but whether you're a relative.
Well, like I said, Hal and I are friends.
It won't be very long.
I'm sorry.
Today or tomorrow.
But it's really a question of hours, not days.
I'm very sorry.
You know, Hal was at Arnhem.
In fact, we both were.
But we only met for the first time at the home after my wife d*ed.
Poor Hal.
He was taken prisoner.
I'm sorry.
I don't quite follow.
Arnhem, miss.
It's a battle, Arnhem.
- It's a battle, miss.
- Yes.
Yes, of course.
Erm Look, I wonder if you'd just wait in reception.
It's not your fault, is it? You've given me the message.
That's all you can do.
I don't know.
Maybe they got arrested.
Maybe they're playing hard to get.
Give us a shout when you've got something definite.
(US accent) One of our ambulances is missing.
Bunch of yobs in a stolen car giving it stick.
Bastards.
- The RTA?
- Yeah.
Could someone look at Mr Lowell in three? His colostomy is uncomfortable.
- I'll do it myself.
- Ta.
And when you've finished let his friend in to chat to him.
He's the old guy with the baseball cap in reception.
Am I disturbing you? I'm deciding what I want to be on the October roster.
I can be a green square or a plum
-coloured triangle.
Ewart, there's, erm Look, would you come down to cubicle four, please? Sure.
What's wrong? The police are busy but they'll try and send somebody.
Good on you, love.
At 50p a sh*t, I could put something very tasty your way.
- Oh, yeah?
- For a percentage of the equity.
40 residents, nothing fancy.
We could use the big day room, put on tea and biscuits for a few pence extra.
- Make an occasion of it.
- That sounds all right.
But on Tuesdays and Wednesdays I look after the kids cos my daughter
-in
-law does her part
-time.
- Did you find him?
- Huh? Did you get to see Harry, Mike? Yeah, I saw him.
It's just not right, damn it.
We shouldn't let it happen like that.
She didn't give any name.
Didn't want to embarrass you, I think.
Psst! Susie! (Whispers) (Kuba singing)
- Kuba.
- Yes.
Charlie would like you to take the man in cubicle three upstairs.
They're expecting him.
For your beautiful Irish smile, Megan, I will take him up Mount Everest.
There's none to compare with my rose of Tralee To think that the Pope is Polish.
God help us all.
- Good evening, Mr Osborne.
- Where's the doctor?
- I'm the doctor.
- I want a man.
You'll have to wait till you get home.
We don't encourage that sort of thing here.
Now let's have a look.
Grow up and don't be a bloody fool.
- How long have you had it?
- A few days.
They can be very painful, can't they? You should have come in before.
Dignity can be a right pain in the bum.
I ain't sat down since Thursday.
Men are such twits.
OK, I'll freeze it first, then make a small incision.
- It won't hurt, I promise.
- Things can't get any worse, I suppose.
- Hi there.
- Oh, God.
- General anaesthetic?
- Acupuncture.
- What's she doing here?
- Survey.
Record of martial arts injuries.
Were you breaking bricks or planks? Right, Mr Osborne, you'll just feel a small prick.
(Giggles) BP 60 over 40.
How much further?
- Another five minutes.
- Get the finger out.
Finish my bandage, will you? It really hurts.
You just better hope he doesn't die, boy.
You better hope.
I couldn't tell you.
Either of you.
There's nothing to talk about any more.
- Gillian
- You don't understand, Dad.
You never understand, Dad.
Maybe you're being harder on us than maybe we deserve.
I don't know.
Maybe we deserve it.
It's hard It's never bloody easy to put it into words, is it? Oh, God, I don't know.
I don't know.
Maybe we deserved it.
For years, the lack of feeling between you, the sterile emotion.
Year in, year out.
You could have picked up the phone.
We weren't so sterile that we weren't torn apart when you went off.
Just to say you were safe, you could have called.
You see?! I'm sorry.
I'm so truly, truly sorry for the utterly pointless, useless way it's turned out.
Don't worry.
Everything will be all right.
Get him out of here before I k*ll him.
RTA, head injury, unconscious.
BP 60 over 40.
60 over 40? That's crashing.
- How did it happen?
- Easy, big boy.
- Nice and easy.
- My arm hurts!
- Give me something for the pain.
- Get him out of here! Cool it! Easy man, easy!
- Get him out of here.
- Easy, right? What the hell? Sorry.
Mad.
I'm all right now.
I'm all right.
Right.
Inside.
(Woman screams) (Woman shouts in Italian) Oh! I'm terribly sorry, madam! But this floor is very Oh, my God.
It's very slippery.
Do you speak Italian? No, we don't parle Italiano.
This is slippy.
It'sprivatisation 60 over 40 five minutes ago, right?
- 90 over 60 when we picked him up.
- He's got a tachycardia of over 120.
Could've been here 20 minutes earlier if those gits hadn't
- It's up to the old bill now.
- I've got to call in.
- Oh, that's nasty.
- They didn't tell us about that.
Puncture wound.
Pack that.
Swabs and a pressure dressing.
Right, let's get him on his side.
- Here we go.
- Oh, you are a big one, moonbeam.
Cannula, six units of blood cross
-matched and full blood count.
There we are.
Find Thalton and get the radio to do a portable chest pronto.
- Tourniquet, Charlie.
- On my way.
I'll do that.
- You OK with that?
- Yep.
Can I have a bit of tape? Thanks.
Six units, cross
-matched, and full blood count.
You've really changed since you came to us.
How is that? Now you're a not
-bad doctor.
It's what I learnt from you, Mr Fairhead.
- You all right? Now sit.
Sit there.
- (Woman sobbing) Oh, my God.
And they sack Millie.
Everything stink like cattle dung.
Then the cockroach pack up because the place too dirty.
Then we all fall down, Humpty Dumpty.
Wh Wh Well Wait a second.
Kidnapped.
Body snatchers.
- When the doctor's free, she'll see you.
- You're supposed to give Medical attention? You'll get the finest.
Sympathy? You can sing for it, sunshine.
We take a dim view of people who block ambulances.
Crystal clear?
- There now.
That didn't hurt, did it?
- Yes, it did.
- I've been bleeping you.
- Huh?
- Are you all right, Ewart?
- No.
Sorry.
Hay fever.
I was bleeping you.
Hay fever.
Baz wants Dr Thalton but he's tied up in theatre.
- Where is she?
- Crash room.
I'll see if there's a second on call.
Should see a doctor about the hay fever.
Organ transplants.
One of the other porters must have gotten him, Kuba.
Patients porters no poach.
We have our pride.
I'm sorry.
There's a full moon tonight.
He may have turned into a bat and flown away.
Oh, Black Madonna in Czestochowa.
Full moon? No one has told me.
Garlic.
All right, Kuba.
Nurse, will you please call Anderson and see what they come up with? Thank you very much.
Now Kuba Clive.
A full moon.
Zombie flesh eaters.
Come on, he couldn't have gone that far.
I think
- (Clive) That old black magic
- Clive! It's not funny! How long does it take to develop an X
-ray? Our newsagent does it in under four hours.
Give him a try.
He's very competitive.
Two quid, you get an extra set of prints and a free film.
- She's been hours.
- Ten minutes.
There are a lot of sick people about tonight.
Maybe I should stand outside with a "house full" board.
"Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, standing room only.
Mind your backs.
"
- Bugger.
- What? I forget to let the old geezer in to see his mate.
- You all right?
- Yep.
Pony Express.
I'll go find Thalton, find out what the hell's keeping him.
- OK?
- Yep.
Baz, Mr Thalton's operating and I can't raise anybody else.
Can I do anything? I'll call a consultant.
Tell theatres.
Sergeant Brenner's in reception with four or five policeman.
Says it's urgent.
Tell Sergeant Brenner I'll see him in my office.
Get the anaesthetist down.
What's going on? The RTA crashed because he has a b*llet in his chest.
Sounds like a good enough reason to me.
Don't worry, Hal.
You'll look a treat when she gets here.
(Banging) Come on.
I think someone's been taken short.
He's got his back there.
See if you can get to the window.
I'll stay here.
I will give you safe
-conduct, gentlemen.
We treat our prisoners very well.
No, we want the Geneva Convention.
(All laugh)
- Geneva.
- Right.
- You better go out.
- OK.
And check with the storeroom.
See how we're doing for tear gas.
It was a police b*llet.
He pulled a shotgun in a post office in Newbury this afternoon.
Staff hit the panic button.
Armed CID got off a couple of sh*ts at him.
They knew they'd hit him.
Can't understand why he'd come this way.
They'd figured he was going east.
- He's come quite a distance.
- What time this afternoon? Erfive past three.
Nine hours? Where did he get his stamina? It's a miracle he's still alive.
- What are his chances?
- Extremely slim.
(Kuba) Hello! Hello! (Banging) See what they want now, Lagger.
(Banging) (Kuba) Hello?
- Yes?
- Good evening.
Er, I am Kuba Trzcinski, night porter.
Oh.
Lost your way, have you? I want to speak with you now.
Well, you ought to be in there porting patients, doing a wheelie with your trolleys, not skulking about down dark allies, peeping through toilet windows.
- You'll get arrested.
- Please.
Ooh, they'll throw the key away on you, my lad.
I just want to come in for a while.
Ernie says you can't come in without an appointment.
Open up now, please! Please!
- Mike says
- Excuse me, sir.
I am reasonable man.
Listen, Lagger, you tell that Tell him not to make so much noise.
I'm sorry, you'll have to keep your voice down.
We've got a very sick man in here.
As far as we can ascertain, he's a deserter from the Welsh Guards.
Did a bunk when they come back from the Falklands.
If he is the same bloke, Manchester CID want to see him for armed hold
-ups.
- I wouldn't say his future looked rosy.
- No, not rosy.
I'll have to post a man at his bed.
You won't need them for a while.
He'll be out for ages.
- Sorry.
- Charlie, you know Sergeant Brenner.
Yeah, hello.
They've just rung down from theatre.
He d*ed under anaesthetic.
Thanks.
Well.
I can't say I regret the paperwork.
I think it entails slightly more than paperwork.
He plays with shotguns.
He can't count on my sympathy.
Maybe if we didn't train him with g*ns, he wouldn't play with them.
I'll not argue with you.
I'll go and pay your joyrider a little visit.
Oh! II don't believe it.
Oh.
His fiancée is coming to visit.
I see.
Let's go.
(Sandra) Come on, Andy.
If you'd hit him, you'd have been out.
I could have broken his neck.
A married ambulance man is hard enough.
I don't need an unemployed one too.
Give me a break.
And how are you feeling? In yourself, I mean.
There are worse things than a hysterectomy, you know.
You don't have to be in this business long to know that.
Yes but What you have to remember, Baz, is the difference in our ages.
What might be devastating for you at your time of life is merely a nuisance for me at mine.
Well, no.
No.
No, it's more than a nuisance.
I can't say that I'm happy.
But I have my family.
I've had a good innings.
And I'm lucky.
I won't be missing what I won't be having.
Night
-night.
Bye.
Aha.
Fellas.
He looked nice at the end.
- I, er
- You've got to relax, son.
Worrying is just a load of old cod.
We'll talk.
Everything will be so much better.
It'll all be all right.
We'll talk now.
It'll be all right.