01x17 - Mail-Order Bride

[bunniefuu]

Gentlemen!

Merry Christmas...

To you!

Yay! Thanks, doc. Wow, that's so sweet.

Come on out of that cage.

Let me give you a big old hug!

Aah!

Oh, yeah! Take it to the bank, daddy!

Santa's coming tonight, Meatwad,

so I really need your Christmas list.

And if you've been a good boy this year...

Here.

You might just get this...Uh...

L-shaped thing.

Nuh-uh.

What that is is a hair-dryer.

You want a hair-dryer?

For what? Yeah.

You don't have--

keep looking. Next to the hair-dryer.

This is a squiggle.

No, that's hair.

You read it backwards, fool.

So go get it.

Come on, Meatwad.

I mean, don't you want some toys or--

I'm not saying

don't get me any toys.

But I need that hair.

Otherwise, no one's gonna take me seriously,

see what I'm saying?

Ok, ok. I'll talk to Santa and see what I can do.

Yes, you will.

Wait! Don't go anywhere!

What's wrong with your printer?

Oh, well, sometimes with larger documents,

it'll get--holy hell!

Yeah, tell me about it.

I could chisel it into rock faster than this.

"Mail-order bride from chechnya"?

Ah, don't worry. See, I got that one covered.

It's my gift to me...

From me, for being such a good boy this year.

You see what I'm saying?

All, right, well-- whoa!

I'm going to the mall and see what I can do with this.

But, boy. I hope I don't get too much sun in my eyes.

I mean, ever since I lost my shades, you know.

Those cool wrap-arounds.

They're on sale, I think. They're pretty cheap.

Why are you wasting my time?

Will you get out of here!

Just go, man, go!

Oh, man, I cannot wait.

I got the oils, the candles, the works!

When does that babe get here?

Carl, don't refer to her as a babe, please.

She is a chechnian prost*tute,

and you will address her as such.

Well, don't cash that check immediately.

I mean, I wanna make sure

that both of us marrying her's gonna be,

you know, legal.

Of course it is! What, are you kidding me?

Santa claus ain't legal and he's around!

Yeah, well, I guess that makes sense, you know.

Of course it makes sense! Look, Carl,

you just go home,

wash your face and your feet,

shave your shoulders,

and you come on over to my house tonight.

She'll be cooking for me!

Oh, no, buddy!

The only cooking she's doing tonight--

Carl, stop where you are! I know what you're gonna say.

You're gonna make some lewd reference

to cooking being like sex!

But you and I know

that she will be sizzling like fajita meat!

Carl! Carl, please!

Ha ha ha! Ho ho ho!

Uh-oh. Oh boy, that's rotten.

I'll take a little shower before the "dirtiness."

Yeah, why don't you take about more?

And while you're at it, why don't you try

a shirt with sleeves if you got one, Romeo!

We're walking down that aisle!

Yeah! Tonight!

Yeah, look at them ornaments, sh**t.

I used hot glue on them.

So they're stuck forever.

Yeah. Thank god.

So, it can be like Christmas

the whole year round.

What!

What is this?

I tell ya, I leave you for two seconds,

and you turn this house

into your personal Christmas dumpster!

But this is our Christmas tree!

Look,

I got us a real tree this year, ok?

Now, stack 'em up and push 'em together,

you little vandal!

We gotta be top shelf tonight!

Oh! That's her! Look merry, damn it!

Speak English, baby?

Ooh, god. Oh, you're so hot!

Carl, will you get away from her.

You're gonna freak her out.

Look at her, sh-she's so hot!

Ha ha, oh, god.

Mr. Shak?

Yeah, that's my name, now fix my dinner!

Hey, I paid half, too! You let her choose!

Pizza burger!

See, it's a free country, baby! Come over here!

Don't look at him. I'm the guy!

Come over here!

I'm hungry!

She ain't coming all this way

to do that in america!

Now, we're civilized people here!

Here, honey. Just put this on and Shake.

Hey! Hey, you speak English here!

We're American now!

Hey! Don't be a sore loser, now!

You--you'll get her...

When I'm done with her!

Ha ha ha! Hey!

Hey. Hey, op--

open this damn door!

Oh, hold it. Just about there.

Merry Christmas, Meatwad!

Aw, sh**t.

Well, I'll go get the glue g*n.

Did you just hear that?

On the roof? Santa's here!

Pretend like you're asleep!

Don't just stand on it, now.

You need to hold it. It's vibrating.

I got it, chubby.

I can do two things at once.

No, you can't!

Huey Lewis is making a comeback?

Put the magazine down

and hold it with your hands!

I'm serious!

Calm down, you'll be fine.

Meatwad, you can pretend to get up now.

Sure, that was a good sleep that I had.

Where are the damn presents?!

It's the middle of the day, Meatwad.

That wasn't Santa claus, ok?

Well, you don't know,

maybe Santa's just sort of getting

a jump-start on things this year,

'cause, you know, statistics,

they show that there are more children

in the world today.

That's China's fault.

Where do you get this information?

Regis.

Aah! Aah!

Oh! Damn it!

You're all right!

No, don't worry about me.

I fell stories. I'm fine.

Good. Because it did happen

on your side of the lawn, remember?

Hey, shut up! There she is!

Hey! She's looking at us!

You get right down here and boil me some sausages!

Don't--don't scare her away! B-Baby!

Hey, look what I did for you! I hurt my neck!

We! You know I love you!

We love you! We're Americans!

Shut up, cup. It's working.

Yeah!

Yeah, I may have laid it on a little thick there, but, uh...

I think I may have sweet-talked her

into coming down here.

Oh, crap! Well, I guess

I can go home and look forward to

starving to death for Christmas.

Wait! Where are you going? I think I need some help here.

Yeah, I know you do.

You get back here!

Can I open a present?

Well, sure. It's Christmas Eve. Why not?

Well, 'cause I ain't got no presents.

That's why not.

Oh, well, Santa hasn't come yet.

Well, that old fat man better get his ass in gear!

'Cause I ain't got nothing under this tree,

and I want that toy train!

I thought you wanted hair!

Hair? Ha ha ha! No.

Toy train now.

If Santa gives me some hair,

where do you think it came from?

It came from an elf's head.

That's what Regis says.

Look! Let's just talk about this after we eat.

You're out of your mind if you think

I'm wearing a shock of elf hair.

Well, there ain't gonna be no dinner this year.

What happened to your girlfriend?

I thought she was gonna cook.

Co-fiancee! Would you get it right, please?

Co?

Yeah, co! I said it!

I split her with Carl, so he's co-owner.

Get it? You're depraved.

I know! Thank you!

And I think she sees that quality in me,

but that Carl is so damned selfish.

Carl should remember the reason for the season.

Yeah, the reason for the season is pleasin'!

And I haven't gotten too much pleasin'!

And Carl had better get his ass with the program.

Get with what program, cup?

Oh, hey, Carl! How ya doin'?

Boy, that's a beautiful tree there.

Well, you need to see it lit up.

Here. Let me plug her in.

Oh, man.

Perfect. Now you can keep them.

Hey, fry-man, you think I could get you

to bring your laser eyes out here

and blow a frickin' hole in my wall?

What's wrong, Carl?

Well, for starters,

she's barricaded herself inside my house.

And every time I knock,

she screams at me in this, like, language.

It's like some demon yelling at me or something!

Well, Carl, it's bad luck

to see the bride before a wedding.

It's natural.

No, meat man.

She does not want to see us during the wedding.

She wants to do the whole shebang through the wall.

Well, at least she still wants to go through with it.

Yeah, you can quit trying to be so positive.

This sucks and you know it.

I don't know, Carl,

maybe you two should just sit down and--

. My future, too, please.

You should just postpone this wedding--

no way!

We will lose the deposit on the deejay.

Yeah, he's right.

We're doing this thing first thing tomorrow.

Well, ok.

Until then, I guess you can

sleep here tonight, Carl.

And wake up with some disease? Ha ha ha! No, thank you!

You'll get me up at : .

I'll be sleeping in my car.

♪ Santa claus got barbecue sauce in his drawers ♪

All right!

I got hair and a hair-dryer and a toy train.

This is the best Christmas ever!

Merry Christmas, Meatwad.

How do I look? Do I look professional?

Hey, uh, what did I get, guys?

Frylock, open the envelope!

All right, let's see what we got here.

You'll love this, too.

I made it 'cause I ain't got no damn money.

Yeah, brother!

Wow! A bird-feeder!

No! Those are them wrap-around sunglasses you've been wanting!

Ha ha! Aren't you excited?

Oh. Well,

thank you, Meatwad.

And I made them all out of stuff that came out of the yard.

And hot glue.

I-I'll wear them the second we go outside.

Why don't you try them on now, you know, see if they fit.

Yeah, why don't you try them on

before you put them in the attic next to your bark shoes

and all that other stuff he made that you hate! Ha ha!

You put that stuff in the attic?

No, no, no. I love these!

I really do!

How about that computer he made for you out of leaves?

That was the best! Ha ha ha!

Ok, I'm awake! Let's, uh...

Friggin' go get married.

Well, good! Yeah, brother!

Let's get married! Yeah!

"And do you, Svetlana--" what does this say?

Look, just say Smith or Jones or something.

There's no way you can pronounce that right.

"Svetlana Smith take Carl..."

Just say Smith again.

It don't matter. None of this matters.

Smith...

"To be your lawfully wedded husband..."

Hey, whoa!

"To honor--" whoa, whoa, whoa!

Back up! Rewind!

"Take Carl and Master Shake..."

That's more like it.

"To be your lawfully wedded husbands

as long as you shall live?"

All right!

All right! Score!

Sweet nectar!

Ok, now shove the ring under the door.

No, we're not doing the ring--

I'm not getting roped into all that.

How can you not have a ring?

No, it ends here!

I haven't seen food once since she's shown up!

He's right. Let's do this thing. Light this candle.

"By the power invested in me

"by the state of New Jersey,

I now pronounce you men and wife."

You may now kiss the door.

Won't open, Frylock. Do it!

Svetlana!

Baby?

Great. Great!

Oh, man!

So she got the car?

Well, technically, it's half hers now, right?

Or a third. I don't know.

Introducing the new misters and Mrs. Portowsky!

It's protononolewsky!

And you get the hell out of here!

No way!

You are staying!

We got him till : .

Ok! We're rockin' around the Christmas tree.

Any requests?

How about you in the neck brace?

Yeah, here's a request.

Hey, shut up!

Ok! Couples only!

Come on, this'll get you dancing close.

Carl, I know you're hurtin'.

And if it makes you feel any better,

merry Christmas.

What is it?

It's a stick.

Oh. Good.

♪ Santa claus with a damn present ♪

♪ don't need school ♪

♪ don't want a lesson ♪

♪ meanwhile they fryer's like a face cooler ♪

♪ kick that thing ♪

♪ 'cause you know we old-schoolah ♪

♪ don't forget, g, I'm Shake-zulah ♪

♪ nobody bettah and nobody coolah ♪