01x18 - Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future

[bunniefuu]

Run, fat boy, run!

Fat man, arise.

Oh. Oh, god!

Now you listen directly to me,

for I am the ghost of Christmas past,

and I have come to show you

what Christmas was like.

All right.

This was Christmas for little Carl in .

Oh, boy, oh, boy!

I hope this is a new mommy.

Yeah, it's not. Unwrap it, you little creep.

We got to be at work in an hour.

What is this, there?

Is this carpet, daddy?

Carpet? No, no.

It's berber. That's an industry term.

Hey, it's like a flying magic carpet here.

Look at this.

I'm flying around in Egypt land.

Don't get too attached there, Aladdin,

'cause it's about to be magic flying dinner.

You can't eat carpet, silly daddy.

No, of course, you can't, like that.

You got to boil it,

till the glue gets soft, you know?

Oh, jeez!

Look at the time.

But it's Christmas, daddy.

You're not getting out of this.

Put on your work boots and your respirator.

I had to pull a lot of strings

to get them to hire an -year-old!

Don't make me go. I don't want to make--

come on! You're late!

Oh, god!

You remember that Christmas, don't you?

No, i--you know,

I remember eating carpet.

Not so much the lasers and the robots, though.

The w*r of man against machine raged on

through the early seventies.

You don't remember because back then,

it was only a prophecy.

Yeah. Couldn't--

but now, in the future, the past has occurred.

Now, just hang on a second, ok?

Sure.

You're the ghost of Christmas past,

right?

That is correct.

Ok, well,

I mean, you know that it's February,

right?

I am a robot.

Well, uh, you know, obviously.

What are you, stupid?

W-Well, no, i'm...

I will see you in December, tomorrow.

Ok, whatever there.

Just lock your door on the way--

Do what?

Never mind! Just leave!

Oh, great. Hey, Carl!

What? Why are you here? What else happens?

Sorry. Listen,

I wouldn't bother you like this--

something's wrong with my roof, isn't it?

What? The robot's on my roof, right?

He's ripping up my shingles. What?

Carl, just relax. Listen.

This--this is totally not a big deal.

This is a big deal!

It's a very big deal! What is this?!

Look, at first I thought this was that stuff

that turns red when you pee in it,

'cause I had to pee here a number of times.

But look at it, Carl.

That's blood, my friend.

Damn!

Looks like someone wrung out a herd of cows

through a juicer or something!

This is not cow blood, Carl.

This is...

Elfin blood!

Who would do something like this to me?!

Well, I don't know.

Maybe...

Oh, wait. I did it.

So why did you fill Carl's pool with blood?

Well, this is going to take a long time,

so you may want to get some snacks.

No, no, that's all right. I think I can wait for it.

Well, I'm going to get food.

Thousands of years ago,

before the dawn of man as we knew him,

there was sir Santa of claus--

an ape-like creature making crude and pointless toys

out of dino bone and his own waste,

hurling them at chimp-like creatures with crinkled hands,

regardless of how they behaved the previous year.

These so-called toys were buried as witches

and defecated upon,

and hurled at predators who were awoken

by the searing grunts of children.

It wasn't a Holly-jolly Christmas that year,

for many were k*lled.

Well, that still doesn't tell me why--

I'm not finished.

You should have gotten a snack.

A warlike race of elves from the red planet

landed on the ice-encased earth,

and they were immediately enslaved

by the unevolved Santa ape

to make his confused toys,

using galactic elfin technology.

Toys were made into recognizable shapes

and given names like "train."

But these toys were also thrown at predators and defecated upon

because they were so stupid.

Christmas still sucked in a big way.

Boy, this is a long story.

You know, maybe I will get something to eat.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna get, uh, drunk

while I listen to you.

So about this blood--

let's just wait for them.

So you been in the neighborhood long,

or...

Well, I mean, we moved here next to Carl--

all right, we're back.

Thousands of years ago,

the ice had made the globe unnavigable.

Santa ape did not know where the north pole was.

How could he?

He was born before science existed,

so he arbitrarily placed his workshop right here,

long before they unionized,

and Christmas was celebrated at each full moon

in front of the great red--

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Who--who unionized?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Probably your mama.

No. It makes me sad

that they had to open their toys in front of an ape

and they were all made out of doo-doo.

What kind of Christmas is that?

It's ok, Meatwad.

This is all a bunch of bull.

You don't believe?

Believe what?

That you're a ghost and that Santa claus is an ape?

That's the most ridiculous--

he was an ape.

Now he is a machine.

I left cookies and a glass of milk...

For a machine?

No, man, he's an ape.

I mean, wait. He is a machine.

You are trying to mess me up

on purpose.

But I thought everyone back then was undeveloped,

couldn't make machines with their crinkled hands.

But the elves came from the red planet,

and there was much defecation.

Yeah, yeah. You mentioned that.

How long ago did you say this was?

Thousands of years--

no, shut up! You still haven't explained

why the pool is filled with elf blood.

I told you earlier,

it was the great circuiting.

You didn't mention no great circuiting.

Oh, I didn't?

Thousands of years ago,

before the dawn of man as we knew him,

there was a creature named space monkey,

and that is where babies come from,

for machines.

Boy, that's some story.

That kind of is different

from what I remember being told

about, you know,

people loving each other in, you know, a physi--

no! That is very wrong!

You cling to your pathetic fable

of fluid exchange.

I am talking!

I'm sorry.

I nodded off. What did I miss?

Well, you should have been listening,

'cause he said that the elves

tried to unionize

'cause Santa ape was using their machines

and then that turned into a w*r

between the elves and machines,

and the machines won.

And then this here--

this here, where we're standing on--

this an elfin playground.

It is a graveyard!

Graveground-- something.

And that's why

the pool's filled with blood,

'cause he over there,

that ghost-- he's haunting it,

'cause Carl desecrated it

'cause he lives here.

Something, too, about babies.

Babies get made that way.

Carl, did you get all that?

Hey, Carl, wake up. You're wasted.

Uh, what?

You didn't hear a word he said, did you?

Oh, I guess not. What did he say?

I hate to be a buzz k*ll, but he said

that your house is on elf graves

and they're pissed off.

All right, fine. We'll do that.

And the blood's just gonna keep flowing,

unless, uh--

unless Carl pays tribute

to the elfin elders in space.

I'll do it. What do I do?

You must give of yourself

to the great red ape.

Ok. How much?

Sexually.

Wonderful.

Hey, man. You know,

you don't have to move.

You could do that other thing

that the robot talked about.

Look, I know it's been a while, right, but, uh,

I'm not gonna get humped

by a giant red gorilla in space, ok?

No, thank you. Now get lost.

I got a guy coming over here to hopefully put an offer

on my bloody house.

I don't need you here freaking him out.

Oh, god!

Whoa. I'll tell you what.

Why don't you go next door

and use our bathroom?

That's just what I want to do is,

you know, get nude in your house.

Yo, Carl,

why do you want to sell this house full of blood, g?

Yeah, so it's a full, you know, full - .

We got good schools here,

got the bonus room there with the--

we shall come to Mexico tomorrow.

With the shrieking robot. There he is.

And in the summertime, you got this.

I got a question.

How long does this blood last?

I don't know.

You know, let me talk to my blood guy here.

The elfin blood will flow forever,

for eternity from the elfin graves.

Forever.

This is great.

I'm gonna line this thing

with gargoyles for the sacrifices.

What's your name again?

Danzig, .

Huh.

Now, is there a way to get the blood

to flow up the walls?

I don't see why not.

That's good, right? Going up the wall?

That's elf blood, too. That's not cheap, you know.

How much you want?

Oh, I don't know, you know.

Maybe, uh, I don't know, a million?

k*ller.

Draft a check tomorrow.

You're serious. Thank you, god!

Does he have to run

those damn sprinklers all the time?

It sure makes our house look

a hell of a lot better, don't you think?

I'm gonna go talk to him.

He's coming over here!

Ok, get out of here! I'll handle it.

Just go away. Meatwad! Come on! Hurry!

Hey! Butt wipe! Open up!

Hey, danzig. How's it going?

Yeah, yeah. You guys seen my robot?

Yes.

No, we--shut up! We haven't seen him.

Yeah, 'cause I'm a little low

on the blood front right now,

and he's supposed to be hooking me up with that.

I don't know what to tell you.

I mean, I'll let you know if we see him.

Hey, you want something to eat?

I could go make you something...

In our haunted kitchen.

Danzig!

You want something to eat?

Well, not to change the subject,

but have you seen how low the interest rates

on mortgages are right now?

It's a buyer's market.

Now, look, listen to me

as hard as you can.

That robot came with the house,

and now he's Gone.

If you see that mother--

yeah, we'll-- yeah, we'll tell him.

You better.

If I find out he's over here,

I'm gonna be eating my cereal

out of the bottom of your skull.

Verstandlich?

Ok. So...

Thank you.

Hey, man, you can come out now.

He's gone.

I cannot live with that guy.

He is so annoying, he is so frightening,

and he doesn't wear a shirt.

You make our house bleed right now!