02x34 - Pillow Talk

[bunniefuu]

(Giggling)

I've gotta go, babe.

Meet me

at : at Grind Me.

Cool.

I'll miss you!

Miss you more!

(Giggling)

(Happy sighing)

(Gasping)

Oh my gosh, Nikki.

That was really insensitive

of me.

I forgot you and Jonesy

just broke up.

Don't sweat it.

It's kind of a relief.

Maybe someday when

one of us is more mature

we can give it

another shot.

But for now, I definitely think

we're better off as friends.

So, I can talk

about Dustin?

Knock yourself out.

Okay.

Isn't Dustin dreamy?

I know he made my knees

go weak.

(Giggling)

Shut up, Jonesy!

Ow!



(Giggling)

Whoa!

I better get going!

There's a line-up

at Vegan Island.

See ya tonight?

Sure!

(Giggling)

You and Star look like

you're getting tight.

She is a

betty-lim-lovely.

(Chuckling)

(Sighing)

I think Dustin

might be the one.

Uh, you said the same thing

about the last time.

Oh, no.

Wade definitely

wasn't the one.

He had sneaky B.O.

He tried to cover it up

with body spray,

but I could still

smell it.

Dustin, though.

(Sighing)

He's special.

I'm surprised

you're into a guy

who has one eye

way lower than the other.

(Gasping)

He does not!

Oh, he does.

Does not!

DUSTIN:

Hey!

(Chuckling)

Forgot my lemon squeeze.

ALL:

Hmm.

Hmm.



Hmm.

I rest my case.

♪ Life begins after school ♪

♪ That's when we bend

all the rules ♪

♪ Time to hang

with all my friends ♪

♪ We like to be together ♪

♪ In a place where we belong ♪

♪ I'm ♪

♪ Starting to find my way ♪

♪ Got a new job ♪

♪ Going to start

at the mall today ♪

♪ Thank God I'm on my own

for the first time ♪

♪ I'm , life is sweet ♪

♪ When you're growing up

so fast ♪

♪ You got to make

the good times last ♪

♪ I'm , I'm ♪

♪ Got to make

the good times last ♪

Well, I still like him,

even if he does have

one weird eye.

It's a free country.

Yes! It's all set.

What?

Only the best job

I've ever had!

"Cyber Love-

Meet you on the internet"?

People send me

a picture

and a description

of their interests,

and I set them up

on dates-

for a small fee,

of course.

Oh, this should be

interesting.

You haven't even heard

the best part yet.

I'm the one

who screens the pictures!

Yeah?

So I can weed out

the hot chicks

and set them up

with yours truly?

You wouldn't!

Why not?

It's like my own

private pool

of hotties

to choose from,

and the beauty part

is I'll already know

what the girls are into

because it's right

on their applications.

I can't believe

I ever dated you. Ugh!

Send in an application.

Maybe I'll date you again.

What happens

to all the guys?

What guys?

The guys who apply

to your service?

I delete them.

Have you no shame?

No shame, no gain.

I don't know, dude.

Yeah, what happens

if you get caught?

Won't you be embarrassed?

Uh, Jonesy's

missing that gene.

Oh, I get embarrassed.

What's the most

embarrassing thing

that's ever happened

to you?

Oh, no. Some things

are better left unsaid.

Oh, come on.

You can tell us.

We were probably

there anyway.

Yeah! Best friends

always tell each other

stuff like that.

(Gasping)

Let's all tell each other!

I promise, none of you

can beat my story.

This is

strictly between us?

(Squealing)

Yes, yes!

Who goes first?

Okay.

I guess it would be

the time I ran full-speed

into a stop sign

in front of the school.

(Thudding)

Boring.

I still have the scar!

Don't worry.

You only notice it

if you look at your head.

Ow!

Well, I already know

what Wyatt's is.

If you don't tell them,

I will.

(Groaning)

Okay, okay.

I built a shrine in my bedroom

to Serena.

No way.



Du-ude.

(Giggling)



Aww.

You took it down

after she fired you

and broke up with you,

though, right?

All right, I'm going to!

I've been busy!

Ha!

(Sighing) Pathetic.

At least yours

is a private horror.

I once sat on a chocolate bar

without knowing it--

(All gasping)



--in white pants!

(Laughing)

(All laughing)

I walked around

for two hours like that

before I realized

what happened.

Wow, you are so brave

showing your face

around here after that.

At least you didn't puke

in your girlfriend's mouth.

On your first kiss.

Oh, that is up there.

Just don't mention it

in front of her.

Remembering it

makes her gag.

Duly noted.

Boy!

You guys are losers!

Okay, Jonesy.

So what was your

most embarrassing moment?

Didn't I already

tell you guys?

ALL:

No.

All right!

This one time

in grade seven,

I needed a haircut

but my barber was on vacation.

Yeah?

So I went to my mom's salon.

What's so embarrassing

about that?

Well, the stylist said

that I had great hair.

And the one thing that would

make it better would be...

..a body wave.

(Laughing)

(All laughing)

You mean a perm!

How could you let her

give you a perm, dude?

The stylist was hot,

and it wasn't a perm.

It was a "body wave".

It was totally a perm.

(All laughing)

Dude-- heh--

I feel so much better

about the puking thing now.

(Giggling)

Guys, we shouldn't

laugh at him.

That must've been hard

to admit.

Hey, you haven't told us

your most embarrassing

moment yet.

Okay, but this does not

leave the group.

Swear?

You remember Trish,

right?

NIKKI:

Oh, yeah.

We went to the beach

one day last year.

I was wearing this really cute

retro-style bikini.

I got it on sale at

Bikini Republic for % off.

JEN:

Caitlin, focus.

Oh. Ooh, okay.

So, I went to

the little girls' hut

and when I came back out,

I had toilet paper hanging out

of my bikini bottom!

Oh!

JUDE:

Whoa!

(Chuckling)

Oh, that's bad.

Trisha let me walk around

with a tissue tail all day

and she filmed it!

I haven't been back

to that beach since.

So what happened

to the film?

She has it.

She's always threatening to

upload it onto her blog site.

Harsh!

So, I guess we all have

something on each other now.

None of this

leaves this table!

If the ladies hear

about my body wave,

I might as well

just give up.

Don't worry, Jonesy.

It's in the vault.

But that doesn't mean

we can't laugh at you.

(Laughing)



Laugh it up, poopy pants.

So are we still going to

that hypnotist show tonight?

Definitely.

This guy's

supposed to be amazing.

Later, dudes.

Date number one

in ten minutes.

Whoa!

(Crashing)



Ah! Ooh!

Oops!

Embarrassing,

but you still win.

(Giggling)

And Jonesy got a perm!

(Snickering)

And he was so embarrassed

when he told us that.

It was so funny!

Man, that is bad!

Are you sure you should be

tellin' me this stuff, though?

Of course!

You're my boyfriend.

There's no secrets

between us!

Oh, okay!

So, what's your most

embarrassing moment?

Oh, I forget.

Cheque, please!

Of course, no one can touch

Shania Twain's song,

"I Feel like a Woman".

Shut up, Steve!

That's my favourite song!

Mine too!

(Phone beeping)

Of course, nothing beats

sharing a vanilla cupcake

with a golden Lab puppy.

I can't believe

this is happening!

I was so skeptical

about computer dating

but it's like we're--

Reading

each other's minds?

Mmm!



(Beeping)

Sorry, I have to run

and help my mom.

Maybe we could

hook up later

for a barefoot walk

on the beach?

Sure! Call me!

(Sighing)

Sissy the Vampire Slasher

season one.

You don't want this.

Uh, yes, I do.

I do want it.

Dude, are you

a little girl?

I mean,

you look like a man

but I'm wondering if you

suffered some form of trauma

that has destroyed

the part of your mind

that generates appreciation--



No!

--for quality vampire-based

entertainment.

All right. Yeah.

You, uh--

Vampyre Fighters.

Uh--



From Dusk 'Til More Dusk.

No, uh--



Nearer Dark.

And the chairman of the board,

Suck my Pulsing Neck--

Okay.



--the director's cut.

I guarantee that

by the end of these,

you'll be on a blood-sucking

rampage yourself.

Excuse--



Don't thank me.

Just go home and grow

some stones, 'kay?

I can't believe

that you're so into

Spanish contemporary poetry.

Is, it's so bueno!

I love zee rhyming.

She makes my heart swell

like a burrito grande.

(Phone beeping)

I must go.

We'll continue

our conversation manana,

my little chorizo sausage.

Ciao!

(Sighing)

(Crowd chatter)

So, when do I get to go

on my first date, Jonesy?

I've got a lot of love

to give.

Soon, Coach, soon!

In your case, there are

so many ladies hot to meet you,

I'm trying to weed out

the crazies!

Oh, not so fast there,

young man.

I like my women spicy!

M.C.:

Ladies and gentlemen,

the master approaches.

Direct from Tibet-

Zargon the Amaziologist!

I am Zargon!

In the next hour,

I will amaze you

with my powers of the mind.

I need a volunteer.

You, Sir,

with the uneven eyes.

He means you.

Me?

Well, okay!

(Cheering)

I've gotta warn you,

fella.

People have tried to hypnotize

me before, and uh, I don't--

Sleep.

(Crowd gasping)

(Applause)

Oh, this is so cool!

Go, Dustin!

You are an actor,

and I am auditioning you

for the role of a superhero!

Here I come

to save the day!

Wow! He's good.

I want you to imagine

that you are an announcer

for the top-rated

television gossip show.

And give us the scoop!

This just in-

Jonesy went to a salon once

and got a permanent wave!

(Crowd gasping)

Oh!

Dude! You did not!

Tell me you did not!

(Awkward chuckling)

Nikki ran head-first

into a stop sign

in front of

the whole school!

(Giggling)

Fascinating!

Tell us more.

Well, Zargon,

as we all know,

Jude got his first kiss

last month.

And boy, did he blow it!

He barfed in his

girlfriend's mouth! Yuck!

(Crowd reactions)

And did you know that Wyatt

still has a shrine

to Serena in his bedroom?

Oh-ho, naughty!

(Gasping)

Agh!

(Audience laughing)

But wait-

there's more!

Jen sat in a chocolate

and walked around all day

looking like she had a poop

stain on her white pants!

CAITLIN: Stop!



(Thudding)

Caitlin?

What happened?

Hey, guys.

(Nervous chuckling)

Uh, great show, huh?

(Chuckling)

Hey, guys!

Anybody want

a free lemon slush?

How about free

large super whips?

Come on, guys!

I'm sorry, okay?

What more can I say?

Uh, did you guys

hear something?

No, not a thing.

Unh-unh.



Nada.

How was I

supposed to know

Dustin was gonna

blab everything?

It's not my fault!

Yes! It is!

You told him

our most intimate secrets!

Do you have any idea

how embarrassing that was?

I officially will never be able

to look at Serena again!

I noticed the toilet paper story

didn't come up.

Let me guess, because

she didn't tell him that one!

(Gasping)

I couldn't!

We're at a critical stage

in our relationship.

I can't jeopardize it

with the toilet paper

in the bikini story.

You're blowing this whole thing

out of proportion.

I bet everybody's forgotten

about it already.

Is your head okay,

Nikki?

No, I feel sick!

Come over here

so I can hurl in your mouth!

(Retching noises)

(Gagging)

(Chuckling)

JUDE:

Come back!

Come here,

you creeps.

Ignore them, Nikki.

JULIE:

Great idea, chocolate butt.

(Gasping)

Oh, that is it! She's mine!

I'm outta here.

See ya later, guys?

(Groaning)

This is all Dustin's fault.

Kinda.

That feeling

when you reach the summit-

that rush of adrenaline?

That's climbing.

So, tell me all about

your Everest climb, Sven!

Oh, okay then.

It was, uh, really,

really, really...high.

Masterson!

Dobbs and I

have a bet going

and we need you

to settle it.

Sure, Coach.

Now, Dobbs says that

the chocolate you sat in

was dark chocolate,

but I maintain

that milk chocolate

would look

far more poop-like.

So, what was it?

I don't know!

I wasn't eating it.

I sat in it!

(Grunting)

Hey, that's no way

to talk to your superior.

Drop and give me .

(Sighing)

(Grunting)

You don't look anything

like your picture.

Yeah, ditto.

And you don't look anything

like an Imperial Klingon.

Whatever.

Can we end this now?

No.

Did you see Star Cop

on the Space Network

last night?

Yeah,

it's my favourite show.

Star Cop was cancelled

last year,

and it wasn't even on

the Space Network- loser.

I'm a loser?

You're the one

wearing fake ears!

Agh!

You aren't the guy

I was supposed to get

hooked up with, are you?

GIRL:

Steve?

I thought you had

to help your mom.

Uh...

GIRL IN GLASSES: No, silly.



(Gasping)

That's Juan Carlos.

Except-

where's your moustache?

Oh, wow!

You're both here!

What's she talking about,

Sven?

Wait- aren't you the guy

who got the perm?

Help!

(Screaming)

I want my money back.

You said you'd find

my soul mate.

No good liar!

GIRL:

Get him!

(Gasping)

(Gasping)

Together we can rule

the universe.

(Girls giggling)

One more crack

about stop signs

and you'll be

Siamese twins.

JEN:

Hey.

This is ridiculous.

I can't go anywhere

without being called

Chocolate Butt

or Butt Spot or--

BOY:

Butt brownie!

Shut it!

Come on.

Let's go to Underground.

Too many people know us

at The Squeeze.

Caitlin's gonna

pay for this.

Hey, barf girl.

Ate anything fishy lately?

(Retching noises)

(Giggling)

Scram, little dude.

(Stomach rumbling)

I can't go anywhere

without someone asking me

to taste test their bile!

I know!

They've been

all over me too!

It's like puking

in somebody's mouth

is the worst thing

a guy can do or somethin'.

Hardly any of it

went in your mouth.

(Gurgling noises)

And I only had a hotdog.

Wasn't like, pea soup

or guacamole

or cold pizza....

(Loud retching)

Way to go, dude.

Nothin' wrong with

blowin' a few chunks.

I wish

that's all I'd done.

Serena's taking out

a restraining order

with mall security.

(Ron clearing throat)

(Phone ringing)

Hello?

CAITLIN:

Jen, it's me.

I just wanted to say I'm so--



(Hanging up)

Hide me!



GIRL: Get him!

OTHER GIRL:

Where did he go?

GIRL:

I want my money back!

And you had it all

figured out, huh?

Okay!

It was a bad idea!

I'm officially firing myself

from the dating service.

Even I can only handle

one girl at a time.

Right.

I just have to make those guys

realize how sorry I am.

But first

I have to find them.

We can't stay here

forever.

Why not?

We can watch videos

until we die.

Or until someone else does

something really humiliating

and the attention

shifts from us to them.

I got a perm, Jen!

Finding something worse

than that could take months.

Oh, look.

Our revenge has arrived.

NIKKI:

Let the uploading begin.

(Chuckling)

How could she not

feel it flapping?

It's like an episode

of Pranked.

CAITLIN:

What are you guys watching?

(Gasping)

Hey, lemon-head.

You!

Your old girlfriend

was kind enough

to bring over

a little home video

from your trip

to the beach.

No!

(Gasping)

DUSTIN:

Hey, guys.

Sorry about blabbing

all that stuff to everyone.

(Groaning)

I feel terrible.

It's not your fault.

You were hypnotized.

But now

that you're here,

I'd like you to see

a little something.

Oh!

Uh, okay.

Don't do this, guys.

I'm begging you, please!

Hit it, Jude.

(Dustin chuckling)

No way! How could you not know?!

(Laughing hysterically)

Sorry!

(Laughing)

I've gotta--

See ya later, lemonhead.

(Groaning)

Well,

I hope you're happy.

Oh, not yet.

But we will be.

We're gonna upload this

to the class email directory.

(Gasping)

You wouldn't.

Come on, guys, it was

just a few people laughing.

Well then, you won't mind

taking some of the heat

off of us, will you?

Wait!

Haven't I been

humiliated enough?

Let me think.

Everyone in the mall

heard our embarrassing stories

and one person

has seen yours.

No.

I didn't do it on purpose!

(Groaning)

I'll be a laughingstock!

Join the club.

Best friends don't

email toilet paper videos!

Nice try.

Okay, look.

I know you guys

think those stories

are totally embarrassing,

but they're really

not that bad.

Take Wyatt.

So, he built

a creepy shrine to a girl.

It shows how capable

of loving someone he is.

I think it's sweet!

Jonesy, so you took

a bold chance with your hair.

You have to admire someone

who's not afraid to say,

"I'm a guy and

I'm getting a perm!"

So, people call you

Chocolate Butt.

Everyone knows you've got

the cutest booty in the mall.

That's true.

Shut up, Jonesy!

CAITLIN: He puked in your mouth

and you're still together.

Now, that's love.

Hey, yeah!

Don't tell me

there's an upside

to running

into a stop sign.

No. That's pretty bad.

But if there's ever anyone

who's taught me not to care

about what people think,

it's you, Nikki.

I can only think of one way

to show you how sorry I am.

(Inhaling)

There. Now we're all

in the same boat.

Whoa, that was awesome.

It was like Al Pacino

in And Justice For All.

When did I get old?

I can't believe

you did that.

You guys were mad!

And I care more about

what you think of me

than everyone else

at this school combined.

Uh,

about that upload-

I probably shoulda

mentioned this,

but we were connected to

the mall jumbotron system too.

(Gasping)

Nooo!

(Mall people laughing)

There must be a hundred people

watching in the food court!

(Groaning)

Oh.

I'm totally ruined.

Oh,

it's not that bad.

At least you don't have

a restraining order

from the toilet paper.

I can't believe

you didn't dump me.

Yeah. I've been meaning

to talk to you.

I think we should break up.

You what?

Why?

Because of

the toilet paper?

No.

Well, yeah.

(Thudding)

Oh, fine. Go.

Get out.

(Sniffling)

We broke up.

I guess

I can't blame him.

I mean,

I wouldn't wanna be dating

someone nicknamed

TP Tail either.

Ah,

who needs him?

Right.

You're right!

(Sniffing)

Got any chocolate?

Hey!

Don't look at me.

Check under her.

(All laughing)

♪