01x12 - Dennis and the Cowboy

[bunniefuu]

-Hi, Mom.

-Hi, Dennis.

-Boy, are we gonna have fun.

-At, that's nice.

What are you going to do?

-We're going to
play stage coach.

I'm the driver and
Joey's going to be

a fierce redskin
that att*cks me.

Come on, redskin.

-Where are you going
with the paint brush?

-I'm going to paint him red.

-Dennis, you come back here!

[music]

[phone rings]

-Hello?

Oh, yes, Mrs. Webster.

Yes, Dennis is right
up in his room.

Did he do anything wrong?

That's good.

You're interested in Dennis
for the community pageant?

Well, I don't think-- really?

Oh, in that case, I'm
sure Dennis would love it.

-Notice how steady
my hand is, Joey?

That's because I don't smoke,
chew tobacco, or kiss girls.

[g*nsh*t]

-Kissing girls is about the
worst thing a cowboy can do.

Now take Whip Crawford.

There's a cowboy who
would never kiss a girl.

-Dennis!

-Mom, I told ya and told ya
I've changed my name to Tex.

-I'm sorry Tex.

Can I see you down
here in the South ?

DENNIS (OFFSCREEN):
Coming, partner.

-And Joey, it's five
minutes to : .

If you expect to get home by
o'clock, you better hurry.

-OK.

-Bye, Joey.

-Bye.

-Bye, Joey.

-What do you want, Mom?

-Dennis, I just had a phone
call from Mrs. Webster.

-Oh.

What'd she want?

-Dennis, you're standing
on my feet again.

That's a very bad habit
you've gotten into lately.

-Am I too heavy?

-Yes, you are.

Now.

Mrs. Webster wants
to talk to you

about being in the
community pageant.

-Oh no, not me!

I wouldn't do it for $ million.

-All right, it's up to you.

You don't have to.

-That's good, cause
I don't want to.

-I think you will
when you find out

who else is going to be in it.

-I don't wanna be-- who?

-Who's your favorite TV cowboy?

-Whip Crawford.

Is Whip Crawford gonna be in it?

-That's what Mrs. Webster said.

-Boy, man, Whip Crawford.

Boy, am I glad I'm gonna be
in that good old pageant.

-Now wait a minute Hold on.

Mrs. Webster's just going to
come talk to you about it.

It isn't settled yet.

-Well why isn't it settled?

Why not?

-Because Mrs. Webster is going
to talk to lots of little boys.

She wants to find
just the right one.

So you must be very polite.

-Boy, I sure hope she picks me.

-Mrs. Webster is a
very dignified lady.

So you must be careful
of what you say.

Now, why don't you go upstairs
and clean up a little.

-OK.

I'll wash my hands and face.

And neck and ears.

-That's a good boy.

-You know what?

I think I'll even
take a whole bath.

-That's nice, but
you'd better hurry.

She'll be here at o'clock.

-OK.

I'll use a bar of
soap in each hand.

-Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

-Hi, Dennis.

-Hi, Dad, guess what.

I took a bath.

Seems funny not to
be going to bed.

-I understand Mrs. Webster
coming over to see you.

-Sure.

She's gonna see me about
being in the pageant

with Whip Crawford.

-Dennis, you're standing
on my foot again.

-Am I too heavy?

-Well, not for me.

But I want to warn you not to
stand on Mrs. Webster's foot.

She might not like it.

-OK, Dad.

-Let's see now, where were we?

-We were talking about baths.

Mom took one too.

-Well, good for her.

-Why don't you take one?

-Well, I don't
think I have time.

Besides, I just came
up here to give you

a couple of pointers on how
to make a good impression.

-Oh, I know how to make
a good impression, Dad.

I learned from you.

-I'm glad to hear that.
-Sure.

It's like when you're
boss comes to dinner.

I'm gonna do the same
thing with Mrs. Webster.

Everything she says, I'm
gonna laugh real loud and say,

"That's a good
one, Mrs. Webster."

-You'll do no such thing.

You just be polite,
act natural, and don't

stand on Mrs. Webster's foot.

-OK, Dad.

-Where's your tie?

Oh, there's one thing
I want to warn you.

Don't say anything about
Mrs. Webster's weight.

-Oh, is she fat?
-Well, yes.

But if you mention it,
it'll hurt her feelings.

-OK Dad.

Did you warn Mom?

-Yes, everybody's been warned.

Oh, and one thing more.

Your mother will be
serving something.

So because careful.

-You mean spilling?

-I mean spilling.

-OK Dad.

But you better tell her
not to give me any milk,

cause I've been having a lot
of trouble with milk lately.

-More tea, Mrs. Webster?

-Oh, thank you, Mrs. Mitchell.

-Well, here I am.

-Dennis, this is Mrs. Webster.

-How do you do, Mrs. Webster?

-Hello, Dennis.

My, don't you look nice?

-This is my Sunday suit.

-It's very good looking.

-Everything I have
on is clean and I'm

wearing my new underwear.

-That's enough about
your clothes, Dennis.

-I took a bath just
before you came.

So did Mom.

And you ought to see the tub.

She didn't have
time to clean it.

-Dennis.

-Dad didn't have
time to take a bath.

But he took a shower this
morning, so he's not too dirty.

-Dennis.

-Why don't you come over here so
we can get to know each other?

-All right.

-Careful, Dennis.

-Why, is something the matter?

-She's afraid I'm going
to stand on your foot.

-Oh, oh I see.

Oh, oh.

Would you like my
dish of ice cream?

I haven't touched it.

-I'm afraid it's
too close to dinner.

-Um, much too close.

-They're afraid I
might spill it on you.

-Oh, I see.

Well I'm sure you'll
be very, very careful.

Of course, my dress has just
come back from the cleaners.

-OK, Mom?

-OK.

-Just be careful.

-Oh, watch out!
-Henry!

-I'm terribly
sorry, Mrs. Webster.

That was very clumsy of me.

-Boy, and he's over .

-Well, accidents will
happen, apparently.

-Why don't you tell us
more about the pageant,

Mrs. Webster?

-The-- the pageant?

Oh, oh, oh yes.
Yes.

The-- the pageant.

Well, it depicts the settling
of our town and the fighting

off the Indians.

And I-- I wrote it myself.

-How nice.

Where is it going to be held?

-I was fortunate enough to
get the Kirkwood Playhouse.

-Oh, you don't say?

-Yes it-- it took
quite a bit of doing.

-I'm sure you didn't
have any trouble.

After all, you
carry a great deal

of weight in this community.

-I thought we weren't
going to talk about that.

-Talk about what?

-She didn't mean
it, Mrs. Webster.

It just slipped out.

-What slipped out?

-What she said
about you being fat.

-Dennis, you
misunderstood your mother.

-Who else around here is fat?

-Dennis, I didn't mean
anything like that at all.

-Tell us more about the
pageant, Mrs. Webster.

-I'm looking for a
little boy to play

the part of the
town founder's son.

Mr. Whip Crawford is going to
play the part of the founder.

You know, I was his third
grade school teacher.

-Really?

-Yes.

Oh yes.

So, last month when
I heard he was coming

to town for personal
appearances,

I telephoned his
studio, and he agreed

to appear in our pageant.

-You were very lucky to
get such a busy actor.

-He's not an actor.

He's a cowboy.

Do I get to be in it?

-Well--

-I sure wanna be.

I wanna be in that
pageant with Whip Crawford

more than anything
in the whole world.

-Well, it's between
you and Johnny Brady.

-I'll tell you what you do.

You come to the Playhouse
tomorrow at o'clock

and I'll try you both out.

-Gee, that's swell,
Mrs. Webster.

-All right.

Thank you.

-I-- I'm so sorry about
spilling my tea on your dress.

I hope you'll allow me
to pay for the cleaning.

-Certainly not.

I wouldn't think of it.

-That's very big of you.

-There you go, talking
about her size again.

-Dennis, that
isn't what I meant.

-I'm sorry, Mrs. Webster.

-Good afternoon.

-Well, I behaved pretty
good, but I certainly

don't know what
got into you two.

-All right, now children.

Let's get started
to work, shall we?

Oh, Johnny dear,
have you seen Dennis?

-No, Mrs. Webster.

Does that mean I get the part?

-We'll see, dear.

We'll see.

Now then, where are the Indians?

Indians!
Oh, oh, all right boys.

Come on now.
Get away from those g*ns.

Get away from those g*ns.
That's it.

Now, listen boys.

I think perhaps you could start
practicing your w*r whoop.

[yelling]

-Please, please.

Quietly, so as not to
disturb the others.

All right now, off
into the wooded area.

We'll get started pretty soon
now when Mr. Crawford comes.

Girls, over here
into the cabin area.

That's it.

There you are.

Fine, fine now.

Let's see.

-Psst.

MRS. WEBSTER
(OFFSCREEN):This is a window.

Now Indians start--

-What do you want?

-I want to be in the
pageant with Whip Crawford.

-So what?

So do I.

-But I want to be in it bad
enough to give this for it.

-What is it?

-It's my own personal turtle.

-Oh, now children.

While we're waiting for
Mr. Crawford to come,

I'm going to show you what
you're supposed to do.

Come here, Indians.

Now, now listen boys.

Come here, come here.

That's right.

When I give you a
signal, I want you

to start creeping on your hands
and knees toward the cabin.

Creep, creep, creep.

Oh, and girls, of course
you're terribly frightened.

So you go up here and
cower in this corner.

You know?

You're really frightened.

And your brother is here helping
your brave father keep off

the Indians by
loading the muskets.

And remember, realism.

Realism.

Oh, oh.

Johnny!

Johnny Brady!

We'll start with you first.

-Johnny's decided that he
doesn't want to be in it,

so do I get the part?

-Well, I-- I guess so,
but for pity's sake,

whatever made him
change his mind?

-Well, he doesn't like
Whip Crawford quite as much

as he does turtles.

-Well partner, I'd be mighty
proud to give you my autograph.

Well, it's like we say when
we're out riding the range.

If a cowpoke won't give his
autographed to a friend, well,

what kind of a man is he?

Partners, I want to think
of all of you as my friend.

-Gee, thanks Whip.

And I'm going keep tuning
in every Friday night.

-You do that, son.

I've got some might exciting
adventures coming up.

If my blame writers
can think of them.

Oh, wee, my feet hurt.

Oh kids, you can have them.

These personal appearances
are k*lling me.

Know what I'm going to do til
them reporters get up here?

I'm just gonna soak my
poor little old feet.

-What about the
pageant you agreed

to appear in for
that Mrs. Webster?

-Well Mrs. Webster can go
soak her little old head.

Oh, my feet are k*lling me.

You know, I think sensitive
feet run in my family.

My maw had sensitive feet.

-Will you forget
about your feet?

And you can't run
out on the pageant.

The press would
tear you to pieces.

-You just let me
handle them reporters.

I'll swear I never heard of Mrs.
Webster and her old pageant.

-Ah, now then.

Everybody to your places.

Boys, out into the woods.

Girls, into the cabin.

That's it, that's it.

-Are we gonna start
without Whip Crawford?

-Well, evidently Mr.
Crawford has been detained.

So we'll go through
it once, and I'll

play his part while
we're waiting for him.

-Jeepers, Mrs. Webster, you?

-Yes, me.

-Now children, this is a window.

And I am sh**ting
at the Indians.

And Dennis is
loading the muskets.

Oh Dennis, do you know how?

-Sure I know how,
from watching TV.

Where are the g*n
powder and the b*ll*ts?

-Oh no, no dear.

We-- we're not really
going to load, you know.

This-- this is
just make believe.

Now Indians, start
creeping toward the cabin.

That's right.

Creep.

Cower, girls.

All right, creep, creep, creep.

Now then.

I'll start sh**ting.

Bang!

Get me another loaded
musket, Dennis.

Before they get here.

Oh.

All right, boys.

All right Indians.

Creep, creep, bang!

Cower, girls.

-Excuse me, Mrs. Webster,
but you're banging.

-I beg your pardon?

-You're banging.

You gotta kapow!

-I gotta what?

-When you sh**t, you
gotta go kapow, like that.

Kapow.

-Kapow?

Oh, oh, kapow.

Oh, all right.

All right now, Indians.

Once again.

Start creeping toward us.

That's it, that's it.
Kapow!

Oh, Indians, you're not
doing it right at all.

Now you must act like Indians.

You must think like Indians.

You must be Indians.

-Excuse me, Mrs.
Webster, but I gotta

friend that's a very good
Indian, so I know how.

Would you like me to tell them
how to creep up on us right?

-Well, all right, Dennis.

All right.

-Come on, fellas.

Look.

What kind of an Indian would
go right up to a window

and get shot?

Indians were plenty smart, boys.

-Hurry up, Dennis.

-OK, Mrs. Webster.

You want this to be
a surprise attack?

-All right, make it a surprise.

-Now we want to do this
good for Mrs. Webster.

So instead of doing it like
dumb Indians from the front,

you guys sneak around back and
come up behind Mrs. Webster.

OK?

-Well, are they all ready?

-They sure are, Mrs. Webster.

-Good, let's get started.

And remember everybody, realism.

Realism.

All right now Indians, come on.

Ah, creep.

Indians!

Indians, where are you?

-They're creeping, Mrs. Webster.

-Well, I don't see them.

-It's a surprise attack.

-Well, for heaven's
sake, where are they?

-Well, come on, you guys!

[yelling]

-I guess the Indians
won, huh Mrs. Webster?

-That's perfectly ridiculous.

The Indians can't win.

Where in the world
is that Whip Crawford

so we can get this
thing done right?

-That's what I'd like to know.

-Well, I'm going to
telephone his hotel.

-Come on, Whip, get your
feet out of the water,

get your boots on, we can't
keep the press waiting.

-I'm thinking about
meeting them barefoot.

-Put your boots on, please.

-What if I just
wore my slippers?

I'll explain to them reporters
that I got very sensitive feet.

-Now that would be just dandy.

What a story they'd
make out of that.

I can just see it.

Whip Crawford revealed
as tender foot.

Boy, they'd laugh you
off the TV screens.

-All right.

All right.

[phone rings]

-Hello?

He can't come to the phone.

This is his manager speak--
his man-- rehearsal?

What rehearsal?

Oh, you must be
mistaken Mrs. Webster.

If Whip Crawford had
agreed to appear,

I'm sure he would
have told me about it.

Positively impossible, lady.

Whip Crawford is having
a press conference.

-Dennis, stop brooding
and eat your lunch.

-You should have heard what
Mrs. Webster said about him.

She said she called him up and
he wouldn't even talk to her.

-Did she say why?

-Mrs. Webster says it's
because he's gotten a big head.

You know what I told her?

I told her you gotta have
one to fill a ten-gallon hat.

-True, true.

-I bet I could go down
there and talk to him,

he'd be in our pageant.
-You better forget it, Dennis.

You couldn't get within
shouting distance.

-And then, this little
old raggedy shirt kid

looked up at me with
them big, brown eyes

and said, "Paper, mister?"

And I said to him, "Son,
where are your folks?"

And the he said, "I'm an orphan.

Paper, mister?"

Well, you can
imagine how I felt.

I mean, after all,
how much money

can a kid make from
selling one paper?

Half cent?

Penny at the most.

So I said to him, "Boy, how
many papers you got left there?"

And he counted them
very carefully.

He said, "Six."

Well, sir, I just
bought them all.

And it was worth it just to
see that boy's face light up.

-Whip loves children.

-Oh, yes I do.

Say, when's that coffee coming
up here for our friends?

-See about it right away.

-Jeepers, it would
only take a minute.

-Not a chance.

Whip Crawford has
given special orders

he's not to be
bothered by any kids.

[phone rings]

-Mister!

-Shh.

Desk.

Why, yes sir.

I passed the order
on to room service.

But-- oh, I'm sorry sir.

Tell Mr. Crawford his coffee
will be up any minute.

-Was that Whip Crawford's room?

-Yes, it was.

Now, will you run
along little boy?

I have things to do.

-I bet they take Whip
Crawford's coffee

up in that elevator right
over there, won't they?

-Why, of course not.

They use the service
elevator in the back.

-And when I get a little more
loot in my old saddle bag,

I'm gonna set up a home
for boys like that,

so they can breathe clean air,
they can learn to ride a horse

and handle cattle
and bulldog a steer.

Things like that.

So they'll be prepared
later on in life,

if they get a TV
show of their own.

-Maybe the Western cycle be
over by then, Mr. Crawford.

-You hold on there now, mister.

We'll always have Westerns.

Westerns are clean TV, and
they teach the American way.

[knock on door]

-Well, that must
be the coffee now.

Oh, come on in.

-Ah, much obliged
to you, partner.

Yes, sir.

And here's a little
something for your trouble.

-Thank you, sir.

-All right, partners.

Pile up around this
here chuck wagon

and grab yourself a hunk
of that there coffee.

-Excuse me, Whip, but
I gotta talk to you.

-Where'd you come from?

-I came up in the service
elevator to see you.

-Just what did you
want to see him about?

-Oh, you don't want
to get him started.

This kind of thing
happens all the time.

-Come on, kid, out in the hall.

-They told me
downstairs that you

didn't want to be
bothered by kids.

But I know that's wrong,
because you love them.

-He does, he does.

-I love kids.

Well, I'll shake your hand
and give your my autograph,

and then you run on downstairs.

Huh, partner?

-Am I your partner?

-Why, sure you are.

We'll shake hands and then
I'll give you my autograph.

Partner, you're
standing too close.

-You know what I came up to
talk to you about, partner?

-What?

-I came up to talk
to you about--

-Careful partner.

-Being in the pageant.

-Oh!

Son!

-I like it better when
you call me partner.

-Well partner, you've just
got to move back a little bit.

-What's the matter, Whip?

You got sore feet?

-Well--

-Certainly not.

-Heck no.

Whip's the toughest
cowboy in the whole world.

Aren't ya, partner?

-Well, you bet your life.

Wouldn't you like to go and
sit in that nice, big chair,

partner?

-I'm not tired.

He's so full of muscles
that it didn't even

hurt him when they tied
him up with barbed wired.

Right, partner?

-Now kid, what do you
want to talk to me about?

-The pageant you promised
to be in for Mrs. Webster.

-Partner, you're on my--

-I'm on your foot, aren't I?

And it doesn't hurt
at all, does it?

-Well--

-I bet I could
stand here all day

and it wouldn't hurt,
cause he's so tough.

Right, partner?

-Well--

-Right.

-Oh, talk fast, son.

-Well, it all started when
Mrs. Webster called my mom

and wanted to know if I
wanted to be in the pageant.

First I said no.

-Faster, kid.

-Then I heard that
you were gonna

be in it, so I said I would.

Then I went to the rehearsal
and you weren't there.

-Ah son, can't you make this
just a little bit shorter?

-Is Whip backing
out on our pageant?

-Heck no.

That's what Mrs. Webster
said, but I know she's wrong.

When Whip Crawford gives
his word, he keeps it.

-What about the pageant, Whip?

-I plum forgot, about it.

Oh partner, you just gotta
stand back a little bit.

So I got room
enough to stand up.

Lawrence, you're slipping.

You should have reminded me
about that there pageant.

-Are we going right now?

-Well, we sure are, partner.

-Can we walk out the
way me and my dad do it?

-Why, sure we

-Wait a minute.

We do it like this.

I stand on his feet.

Now walk.