03x01 - Trouble from Mars

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Dennis the Menace". Aired: October 4, 1959 – July 7, 1963.*
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Follows the Mitchell family – Henry, Alice, and their only child, Dennis, an energetic, trouble-prone, mischievous, but well-meaning boy, who often tangles first with his peace-and-quiet-loving neighbor, George Wilson, a retired salesman, and later with George's brother John, a writer.
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03x01 - Trouble from Mars

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-Hey, Dad!

Dad!

Mom!

Mom!

-What is it, son?

What's the matter?

-What is it?

-Well, you remember

that toy drum of mine

that you couldn't

stand the sound of?

-Yes, I remember.

-Well, you sure were wrong.

Mr. Wilson likes the

way it sounds so much,

he gave me a whole

dollar for it.

Whoopee!

[music playing]

-Well, hi, fellas.

-Is Dennis ready

yet, Mr. Mitchell?

We got to get going.

-Where are you off to in

such a rush this morning?

-We're gonna go to Mars.

-Mars?

OK, you stay here and

I'll see if Dennis

is ready to blast off.

Son, your space

buddies are here!

-Be right there!

Just blasting off!

Voom!

-Just a minute young man.

Aren't you forgetting something?

-Oh, yeah, you mean my jet pack!

-No, I don't.

I mean the haircut

that you're going

to get this morning

before you go out to play.

Play?

Jeepers, Mom, this isn't play.

We're starting a new club

to explore outer space.

-I'm afraid you'll just

have to consider yourself

earthbound until

after your haircut.

-OK.

Can I go to the

barber shop like this?

-I suppose so.

-As long as you don't forget

to take your helmet off

when you get in the chair.

here, and don't lose this.

-Roger, over and out!

Let's go!

See you later!

Voom!

-Those kids, they deserve their

six sh**t for space g*ns

every time some crackpot claims

he's seen a flying saucer.

Look at this, honey.

-Local man reports landing

of strange aircraft.

Oh my goodness.

-He claims he saw a spaceship

land in a vacant lot,

eject five little men,

and take off again.

-I suppose anything's possible.

-Especially after spending

the evening in a local tavern.

A man by the name

of Perkins stated

that after a small

escape hatch opened

in the side of the strange

craft, a ladder was opened out,

and little figures

dressed in weird

looking space suits

scurried in all directions.

Now, I ask you, Martha,

how ridiculous can you get?

[phone ringing]

-I'll get it, dear.

Hello?

Yes, just a minute.

It's long distance,

dear, for you.

-Long distance, oh my goodness.

-One of your space

men, no doubt.

-Hello?

Yes, speaking.

I did?

Oh, oh!

-What is it?

-Martha, please.

Yes!

o'clock this afternoon

will be just fine.

Well, thank you very much!

Good bye!

Martha!

I won!

I won!

I won!

-George!

You won what, dear?

-Why, the essay

contest sponsored

by the Graceful Living

magazine, of course.

-Oh, George.

-And Martha, not

only are they going

to print my essay in

next month's issue.

But they're coming

out here to present me

with a gold plaque, a check for

$ , and take my picture too.

-Oh, I'm so proud of you.

Now, let's see.

They said o'clock.

Oh, dear, I suppose the

first thing I should do

is get a haircut.

-It is a little longer

around the ears.

I could trim it for you.

-Oh, Martha, this is one time

everything has to be just so.

After all, it isn't

every day I get

my picture in a

well-known magazine.

-Hi, Mr. Wilson!

-Great Scott!

-Hello, boys.

-Hi, Mrs. Wilson.

Would you like to join our

new space club, Mr. Wilson?

-Oh, no thank you, Dennis.

-We got swell plans.

-Some day we're going to

build a real space ship

and go millions of miles.

-Mr. Wilson has to go

to the barber shop.

-Oh, is that where

you're going, Mr. Wilson?

That's just where I'm going.

We can go together.

-Isn't that lovely?

-Oh, that's delightful.

But on second thought,

I have some things

I want to do around

the house first.

-Oh, if you're not going,

I think I'll wait, too.

Would you like us to come in

and wait for you, Mr. Wilson?

-No, thanks, why don't you

boys just blast off into space?

[yelling]

-Oh, voom, yourself.

Confound it, Martha,

have to be getting a haircut

just when I wanted one?

-What difference does that make?

-Martha, the last time I was in

that barber shop with Dennis,

he made the poor

barber so nervous

that the chap had to lie

down in the back room

until his hands stopped shaking.

[music playing]

-Hello, Selby.

-Oh, it's you, Mr. Wilson.

-Dennis Mitchell hasn't

been in yet today, has he?

-Dennis Mitchell, that

little wiggle worm

whose hair won't stay

down in the back?

-That's the one.

-Heavens to Betsy, no.

You know something, Mr. Wilson?

I would almost rather be visited

by one of those awful creatures

from outer space.

-Oh, now Selby,

don't tell me you

believe that ridiculous

story in the newspaper.

-No, not really, but it

did give me goose pimples.

-I want an especially

good haircut today.

I'm having my picture

taken by a magazine.

-You don't say Then

we will just have

to give you the Selby

deluxe gentleman's trim.

-But not too much up

around the ears now.

-Now, please, who is

doing this, me or you?

-Well, it is my head.

-Aren't you the

lucky one, though?

-You know, I'd k*ll

myself before letting

them get their slimy

little fingers on me.

-Who's slimy little fingers?

-Why, those creatures from

outer space, of course.

One of these days, all it's

going to stop being a rumor,

and we will wake up

m*rder*d in our beds.

-Oh, Selby, you are speaking

hogwash and you know it.

Ow!

-You turned your head.

-Not until you almost

cut off my ear.

-Just a teensy-weensy

little scratch.

Well, then you

anything to this story about

the little space men then?

-Oh, of course not,

this fellow Perkins

dreamed the whole thing up.

-I certainly hope so.

RADIO (OFFSCREEN): We

interrupt with a bulletin

on the bizarre tail

of the space ship.

Authorities have carefully

inspected the vacant lot

where it was said to have

landed and found nothing.

-Ah, there you see!

-Well, they could've

been neat, you know.

RADIO (OFFSCREEN): If

strange little men suddenly

sit down beside you at

your favorite coffee shop,

don't be surprised.

This is indeed a strange

tale, which, if true,

brings science fiction

literally down to Earth.

And now back to our music hour.

[music playing]

-Oh, I'll tell you one thing.

Those icky little creatures

better not drop by hear

for a shave or a haircut,

or I'll-- [yelling]

-Careful, Selby!

-That's a funny place for Mr.

Selby to be falling asleep.

-Oh, Dennis, why

must you always--

-Wowee!

Look at that, Dennis!

-Jeepers, Mr. Wilson, that's

about the most different

haircut I've ever seen!

-Huh?

Great Scott!

[music playing]

-Now you kids wait here

in case I need you.

-OK.

-Hi Mom, Hi Dad.

-Well, hello dear.

Now, let's see how

your hair looks.

But, Dennis, you

didn't get a haircut!

-I couldn't.

Mr. Selby went home sick.

-Sick?

-Well, not exactly sick.

Something scared him.

And Mr. Wilson threw water

in his face so he'd wake up.

-I see, exactly what scared him?

-We did, Mr. Mitchell,

with our space helmets.

-Poor old Mr. Selby thought

we were real space men.

-From Mars.

-Oh dear, and the poor

man actually fainted?

-Boy, did he ever.

-And that's when Mr.

Wilson had his accident.

-I see, this is getting more

interesting all the time.

What sort of an accident?

-Well, Mr. Selby shaved

him up the back of his head

with his electric clippers.

-Oh, no!

-It wasn't Dennis'

fault, though, honest.

-We look like strange

little space men.

-Especially me.

-Where is Mr. Wilson now?

-Home, I guess.

We followed him

to the hat store,

but he wouldn't even talk to us.

-Well, young man, I suggest

that you take your friends right

next door and ask if Mr. Wilson

will let you apologize to him.

-Will you go with

us, Mr. Mitchell?

-Me?

-Yeah, we want somebody

big on our side.

-I think that's a very

good idea , Henry.

-Oh, come on, Alice.

Why should I go over there?

[music playing]

-Martha, hello, Martha.

-George, you bought a new hat.

Well, it's a little large.

-Martha, you might

as know, it has

to be large to hide what

the barber did to me when

Dennis frightened him, look.

-Oh, George.

-Martha, and I wanted to look so

sophisticated for my interview

this afternoon.

-Well, you won't look

very sophisticated

if you wear your

hat in the house.

-Frankly, I don't

know which is worse,

leaving it on or taking it off.

-Well, it hardly shows

if you're facing people.

-Oh, fine, then all I have to

do until my hair grows back in

is to learn to walk

out of rooms backwards.

[doorbell]

-Oh, no, it's too early.

Oh, Martha.

Oh, Dennis, I thought

I-- oh, hello Mitchell.

-Hi, Mr. Wilson.

-Well, come in.

-I've been drafted as sort of a

senior spokesman for the boys.

They'd like to apologize.

-I suppose you heard what

happened to me this morning.

-I did.

-You can see for yourself.

-Oh no!

-And to top it all off, the

people from the Graceful Living

magazine are coming

over to take my picture

in less than an hour.

I won the essay contest

for their magazine

with my article of The Art

of Graceful Retirement.

And they're printing

it in their next issue.

-You didn't!

Why, congratulations,

Mr. Wilson!

That's wonderful!

Isn't that great, boys?

-Jeepers, that's

swell, Mr. Wilson!

-Thank you, boys.

-That makes you kind of

a celebrity or something,

doesn't it, Mr. Wilson?

-Well, I suppose it is

quite an honor, yes.

-We're very sorry about

your haircut, Mr. Wilson.

-The boys really

mean it, Mr. Wilson.

-Oh, well, children,

accidents will happen.

-Gee, you're a swell

guy, Mr. Wilson.

-Well, thank you, Dennis.

-And I like your

new bathrobe, too,

even if it is kind of short.

-This happens to be

a smoking jacket.

-I think it's time

we took off, boys.

-You sure you don't want to

join our space club, Mr. Wilson?

-No thank you, Tommy.

-You'd look swell with a

space helmet, Mr. Wilson,

especially with your

new style haircut.

-Fellas, I think there

might be some chocolate cake

and milk over at the house

for a certain space club.

How about it?

-Oh yeah!

-Goodbye.

-Oh, George, I

completely forgot.

-You forgot what, dear?

-We haven't a thing in the house

to offer your visitors for tea.

-Oh, well, that's

no big problem.

We still have plenty of time.

And while you're

at the store, I'll

go up and change

my pants and shirt.

-Oh, one of the boys

must have left this.

-Oh, yes, Dennis undoubtedly.

I wouldn't be surprised if

we have more of his things

here than he has at his home.

-Well, I'll be back soon.

-All right, Martha, dear.

[music playing]

-Frank, did you see--

-I didn't see anything.

-Well, let's take a look.

-Well, whatever it was,

it looks like it got away.

-That's all right.

-Sure was weird.

-I guess we better report

it to headquarters.

Car to headquarters,

Officer Quincy reporting.

We just saw what looked like

a-- never mind, headquarters.

It's all a mistake, - .

-What did you do that for?

-Well, listen, suppose

nobody else ever

sees-- what we just saw.

We turn in a report like

that, the next thing we

know the lieutenant's

accusing us

of bending the elbow on duty.

-Report on what?

I didn't see anything.

-Me neither.

-Fred?

-Yeah?

-Forget it.

[music playing]

-Mr. Wilson!

-Mitchell, open your front door.

-Mr. Wilson, what are

you doing in that thing?

-Mitchell, please,

I need your help.

Get me out of this

confounded thing!

-Come over here and sit down.

Try and yank it off.

-Those people for the magazine

are on their way over!

-Dad, what are you-- wow!

Look at good old Mr. Wilson!

He's joining our club after all!

-Three cheers for Mr. Wilson!

-Hip hip hooray!

Hip hip hooray!

Hip hip hooray!

-Dennis, Mr. Wilson's

had a little accident.

-How do you get out of one of

these blasted things anyway?

-It's easy.

You just pull it

off over your head.

-I tried that, but the

thing won't come off.

-That's because

your heads too fat.

-Dennis, now that

you and the boys

have had your chocolate

cake and milk,

I think you better go and play.

-Jeepers, Dad!

We'd rather stay and watch.

-Dennis.

-OK, I'm tired of

playing space man.

See you later!

-OK, bye Dennis.

-Bye.

-But don't you worry if it

doesn't come off, Mr. Wilson.

I was going to get

a new one anyway.

-Oh, oh, it's no use, Mitchell.

-Well, there's one good

thing about it, Mr. Wilson.

It does cover up

that bald strip.

-Never mind about that,

the important thing

is to get this thing

off my head, Mitchell.

Oh, look at me, a space

helmet stuck on my head.

And in a few

minutes I'm supposed

to be a living

photographic example

of the art of

graceful retirement.

-Oh, Mr. Wilson, I see

you've joined the club.

-Now, Alice, this

is no joking matter.

This thing is stuck on my head.

-Well, why don't you just try

pulling it off over your head?

-Careful!

-We tried that.

-His nose is in the way.

Henry if you pull up.

-Honey now, be careful.

Push to the left!

To the right!

[grunting]

-Oh, Mr. Wilson, how did it

get there in the first place?

-Well, you see, Alice,

Dennis left this thing-- oh,

never mind.

Just get it off.

-There's got to be some

way to get that off.

-We could always amputate

at the neck, I suppose.

[yelping]

-It's unbreakable plastic.

It's no use to hit it.

Wait a minute, I've got

a friend, Fred Haney,

who's in the plastic business.

If anybody would know how to

get that thing off, he should.

The line's busy.

-Oh, well, Mitchell,

you keep on trying.

Maybe you can find

out something.

In the meantime, I'll go

home and change my clothes,

though what good that

will do, I don't know.

On second thought, I'd

better go around the back.

[music playing]

-Dad says to tell you

the line's still busy,

so he's driving down

to talk to his friend.

-Oh, fine, and those

people from the magazine

will be here in less

than minutes.

Let's see, no,

where's my tie clasp?

-Maybe it's on your dresser!

[slam]

-Dennis!

-Mr. Wilson, I found it!

Open the door, Mr. Wilson!

-Well, just push on it.

It's not locked.

Oh, good grief.

Great Scott!

Dennis!

Call somebody to get me

out of this bathroom!

-Jeepers, who Mr. Wilson?

-I don't care who.

Just call the fire

department if you have to.

Just get me out of here!

-OK, Mr. Wilson!

[music playing]

-Oh, this can't be

happening to me!

-Hello, operator, send a

fireman to Elm Street.

-Is this an

emergency little boy?

-Jeepers, is it ever!

[alarm]

[sirens]

-Dennis!

-Mr. Wilson, it's all right!

I called the fire department!

-Well, thank good-- you what?

Oh, no!

[sirens]

-Hi, chief!

Mr. Wilson is trapped in

the bathroom way up there.

-All right, men, throw up

a ladder at that window.

Joe, you see how

bad it is inside.

-All right, chief.

-Back everybody!

Stand to one side, please!

-Oh no!

No!

No!

I don't want a ladder!

Just get this

bathroom door open!

No, no, no!

Go away!

Go on!

I don't want it!

-It's the correct

address all right.

Little boy, we're from the

Graceful Living Magazine.

Does Mr. Wilson live here?

-Yes ma'am, but

right now he's being

busy stuck in the bathroom.

That's him up there.

-All right, bring him down.

-He refuses to budge!

-Hey, chief, I can't find a

trace of fire anywhere inside.

-All right, bring

that guy down here.

-Chief!

He says he won't come

down without his pants.

-Bring that nut down!

Carry him if you have to!

-Dennis, what is it?

-Mr. Wilson!

-If that's an example of

graceful retirement, Thornton,

I think I'll keep on working.

-Wowee!

Those striped shorts sure

will make a swell picture.

-Good old Mr. Wilson.

He makes everything

fun, doesn't he, Tommy?

-Martha, that was very good.

-You poor dear.

Most of this never

would have happened

if I hadn't gotten a flat

tire on the way to the store.

-Oh, well, now, Martha, no

real harm was actually done.

I'm just a little tired.

Besides, my hair will

grow back in fast, anyway.

-Well, at least

the fire department

did get the helmet off

your head, Mr. Wilson.

-And I sure would like to

have some magazine offer me

$ to do a series

of articles on how

to get the most out of life.

-Well, every cloud has its

silver lining, you know.

-Hey, Mr. Wilson!

-Oh, yes, Dennis.

-Our space club

just had a meeting.

And we voted you are head

space man of the month.

-Oh, well, thank you.

-See you later.

-Oh, just a minute young man.

Where are you off to?

-I'm going to meet the g*ng.

Tommy's borrowed his

father's electric razor.

And we're going

to give ourselves

a swell space haircut

just like Mr. Wilson.

-How about that?

They're going to--

hey! come back here!

-What a day, what a day.

[music playing]
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