03x05 - "Haunted House"

[bunniefuu]

-Hey, Mom?

-Young man, why

aren't you in bed?

-I lost something.

Did you take something

out of this box?

-No, I didn't.

-Hey, Dad?

Did you take something

out of this box?

-No, I didn't, and

you march yourself

right back up to bed, young man.

-Yes, sir.

Now, what do you

supposed happened

to that dumb ol'

pet snake of mine?

-The things kids'll think

of to keep from going to b--

-Snake!

-Dennis!

[theme music]

-There you are, Mr. Bowers--

our deposit check for $ , .

-All righty, and here's

your receipt, Mr. Wilson.

-Oh, thank you.

Well, Mitchell, we

have bought ourselves

a piece of income property.

-Oh, you didn't buy that

property, gentlemen.

You stole it.

-You really think so?

-Believe me, if the little old

lady that owns that property

didn't need the

money, you wouldn't

have gotten it for

anywhere near the price.

-That's the one thing that

kind of bothers me about it,

taking advantage of a,

of a little old lady.

-Oh, uh, now, now,

Mr. Mitchell, it's

not as though she

didn't want to sell.

-Why, of course not, Mitchell.

If we hadn't come

along, somebody else

might have offered

her even less.

-Well, maybe you're right.

-Well, it's been a real

pleasure doing business

with you, gentlemen.

-Thank you, Mr. Bowers.

Come along, Mitchell.

-Hello?

Well, I finally sold that

broken-down old house

for you, Mother.

-I still don't

understand how you

were able to get that house

on South Gate Road so cheap.

-Well, honey, the little

old lady needed the money.

-I don't know.

Remember the used car you bought

from that other little old lady

a few years back?

-(CHUCKLING) Take

it from me, Alice,

I can guarantee that this

house has never had a head-on

collision or had its

speedometer turned back.

-Oh, Mr. Wilson?

Sergeant Mooney

would like to see ya.

-Oh, Sergeant Mooney,

what a pleasant surprise.

-Hi, Sergeant.

-Good afternoon, Mrs.

Mitchell, Mr. Mitchell.

-You want me, Mooney?

-George, your car is

blocking a driveway.

-It is?

-Mm.

-But that's my driveway, Mooney.

-That's what I told

him, Mr. Wilson.

-That doesn't make any

difference, George.

The law says that

no vehicle can be

parked on a street

in such a manner as

to deny access to

a private driveway.

-But it's my

driveway, you fathead!

-And this is my book of

tickets, you old wretch.

-Why, I, uh-- oh,

I'll go move it.

I-- why aren't you out

chasing real criminals?

-Because I've got

other things to do

and I won't be bothering

you for a while.

-Well, good.

What is it?

-Wouldn't you like to know?

-No, I wouldn't.

-All right, I'll tell you.

Hey, you know that old haunted

house over on South Gate Road?

Some fast-talking

real estate agent

sold it to a couple

of unsuspecting boobs

as income property.

Can you imagine that?

Income property?

You couldn't pay someone

to live in that place.

-Uh, Sergeant Mooney,

it might interest you

know that Mr. Wilson and I are

the two unsuspecting boobs.

-Oh no.

Oh, Wilson, you're not

the one that-- oh-ho-ho.

-And for your

information, Mooney, it

was an excellent buy.

Right, Mitchell?

-I hope so.

-Haunted house. [derisive laugh]

How ridiculous can you get?

-Do you mean it has real ghosts?

-Well, I'd like to have a

dollar for every report we've

had about eerie lights

and sounds coming out

of the place at night.

That's why they want me to

keep an eye on the place.

-Sergeant Mooney, don't tell

me you believe in ghosts.

-Oh, of course

not, Mrs. Mitchell.

But you just try to

change people's minds

when they get a screwball

motion in their head.

-Oh dear.

Who'd want to live in a house

with a reputation like that?

-Jeepers, I would.

-Dennis.

-Now, don't you worry.

We'll find somebody.

-Oh, of course you will, George.

Maybe there's a ghost

somewhere with money

that needs a larger place.

-Now, now just a minute.

That deal we made wasn't

really legal anyway.

-No, the, the house was

misrepresented to us.

-Right.

Come along, Mitchell.

You too, Mooney.

We're not going to be bamboozled

by any real estate sharpie.

-Wowee!

Wait till Tommy hears I own

half of a haunted house!

Oh Tommy!

-And another thing, young

man-- did you ask Junior here

if the house was haunted?

-Well, no, but, uh--

-Or did Junior say

that was not haunted?

-Well, no, of course

he didn't, but--

-Well then, what's all

the argument about?

-That's telling him, Mother.

-Gin!

-Again?

-Mrs. Bowers, your

son completely

misrepresented that old house

of yours and you know it.

Furthermore, we

want our money back.

- against nothing.

I really blitzed you

that time, son, didn't I?

-The fact remains, we

wouldn't have bought the house

if we'd known the

circumstances, Mrs. Bowers.

-Oh, fiddle-dee-dee.

Business is business.

And there's nothing in this,

in this deposit receipt

Junior gave you that gives

any guarantee against ghosts,

is there now, Sergeant?

-Hmm, looks that way all right.

-Aw, wait a minute.

Whose side are you

on anyway, Mooney?

-The law's side, George,

and I'm afraid you

haven't got a chubby

leg to stand on.

-Oh come on, Mitchell,

let's get out of here.

-Well, Mr. Wilson,

what do we do now?

-Well, there's only one

thing to do, Mitchell.

Prove that ridiculous story

about the house being haunted

is so much hogwash.

-Now you're talking.

-And a fat lot of

help you were, Mooney.

-Oh now, just a minute, George.

Didn't I keep that sweet,

innocent, little old lady

from b*ating you up?

[laughter]

[car brakes squealing]

[car doors closing]

[footsteps approaching]

[wood creaking]

-Well, welcome to

our haunted house.

-Oh, haunted house.

Don't even joke

about it, Mitchell.

Oh.

Well, I know we agreed before

that the furniture is pretty

run down.

Everything looks sort of drab.

You know, the first

thing we should do,

Mitchell, is repair

this staircase.

Oh, yes.

Put a new banister here,

and-- [startled groan]

[imitating ghost]

-Hi, Mr. Wilson.

-Hi, Mr. Wilson.

-Oh, good grief.

-Dennis, what are you and

Tommy doing over here?

-We came over to help

you find the ghosts.

-We climbed in through

a basement window.

-What are you doing with

those Halloween masks?

-If we run into a ghost, we

figure we'll scare him first.

-Oh, for heaven's sakes.

All right, Mitchell,

let's get back

to what we were discussing.

Now, I think we should get

rid of all this old furniture,

put on some bright new paper,

and paint the whole place.

-Well, frankly, Mr.

Wilson, I'm more

interested in getting rid of

these haunted house stories.

-Jeepers, Dad, maybe they

don't want anybody living here.

-They?

Who's they, Dennis?

-(IN UNISON) The ghosts.

-Oh, boys.

Spirits are nothing but a

figment of the imagination.

-Sure, Mr. Wilson.

Come on, Tommy.

Let's go look for a ghost.

-OK, Dennis.

-The yard's not in too

bad shape, Mr. Wilson.

With your green thumb--

-Ah, you really think so?

I don't know.

A lot of work, Mitchell.

Yes, Mitchell?

-Yes what?

-Well, you just tapped

me on the shoulder.

-I just what?

-Oh now, Mitchell, this is

no time to be playing games.

-Mr. Wilson, I

tell you, I didn't.

-Well, I distinctly felt

a tap on my shoulder.

-Nope, no ghosts in there.

-I'm gonna go take a look

in the kitchen a minute.

-Ah.

-Come on, Mr. Wilson.

Let's go look for

secret passages.

-Eh, there are no secret

passages, I assure you, Dennis.

-I'm not Dennis, I'm Tommy.

-Good grief.

Well.

-I think I'll take a

look around outside.

-Oh, all right, Mitchell.

[fabric rustling]

-I-I think I'll join you,

Mitchell, if you don't mind.

[gasp]

-Oh!

Dennis, don't ever do that.

-You forgot your umbrella.

-Well, I-- it's stopped raining.

-It might.

-Oh.

Well, thank you.

-Hey, Dennis, look

at this swell dust.

-Jeepers, is it ever.

-Gee, Dennis, you

think ghosts can read?

-Sure they can, Tommy.

There, that should scare some

mean old ghosts all right.

-And how.

It even scares me,

and I helped make it.

-Come on, Tommy.

Let's go see if there's

anything scary upstairs.

-Boy, look at this bed

with a sheet over it.

-That must be there

'cause the roof leaks.

Heck, there are no old

ghosts around here either.

-Maybe they only walk

around after it gets dark.

-They sure are lucky.

When I try to do

that, Mom catches me

and sends me back to bed.

Nope, no ghosts under there.

-You know, Dennis, I

bet you this old house

isn't really haunted at all.

DENNIS (OFFSCREEN):

That's OK, Tommy.

Then Dad and Mr. Wilson won't

have any trouble renting it.

[ghostly moaning]

-What was that, Dennis?

[ghostly moaning]

-Uh, are you a ghost?

-(IMITATING GHOST) I am a ghost.

What are you doing here?

-(IMITATING GHOST)

Minding my own business.

Go home, little boy.

-That's a swell idea, Dennis.

Come on, let's go.

-Ghosts can't hurt you, Tommy.

All they can do is scare you.

-Well, what are we waiting for?

I'm scared already.

[ghostly moaning]

-Why can't we see

you, Mr. Ghost?

TRAMP (OFFSCREEN):

(IMITATING GHOST)

I am visible only at night.

-Listen, Mr. Ghost,

you gotta move away.

My dad and Mr. Wilson

own this house now.

-(IMITATING GHOST)

Ooh, that's a laugh.

[ghostly laughter]

-Are you the only

ghost living here?

TRAMP (OFFSCREEN): (IMITATING

GHOST) Who's living?

-I'm going home, Dennis.

-How'd you become a ghost in

the first place, Mr. Ghost?

-(IMITATING GHOST) By

asking too many questions.

-That did it.

-Mr. Ghost?

Mr. Ghost?

He must have hung up, Tommy.

Hey, Tommy!

Where are you?

-Dennis!

Oh, Tommy, have you seen Dennis?

Den-- oh.

-Hey Dad, guess what?

We've been talking to a ghost.

-Is that so?

-Yeah.

He even said he was a ghost.

-Well, at least he's

honest about it.

-Hey, Mr. Wilson, you want to

go upstairs and talk to a ghost?

-A gho-- oh.

No, thank you, Dennis.

-I think we'd better get going

before it starts to rain.

-But what about the ghost?

-Well, I think he'll keep

until our next visit.

-OK.

He seemed kind of

cranky, anyway.

Hey, Tommy!

-My son who talks to ghosts.

-Yes.

Nothing quite like a child's

imagination, right, Mitchell?

Oh, wait a minute.

My hat.

Aah, Mitchell!

Wait for me!

-And the ghost kept going,

"Ooo," trying to scare us,

Herman.

-Naw, Dennis.

It was more like, "Ooo."

-Alice?

-Oh, I was listening your

son telling ghost stories.

-He's becoming quite raconteur

of the supernatural, isn't he?

-Well, I am not amused.

That child's imagination

is so fired up,

he actually believes he talked

to a ghost this afternoon.

-Well, honey, it's only natural

with a child of his age.

-Well, he's never

done it before.

-Well, his father's never owned

half a haunted house either.

Oh, and incidentally,

Mr. Wilson and I

are sleeping over at

the house tonight.

-Oh dear, must you?

-Now isn't that funny?

Mr. Wilson asked

the same question.

I figure it's the only

way we'll ever find out

what's causing those wild

tales about the house.

-Well, now, let's see.

You'll need, um, a blanket,

some sheets, some towels, soap,

toothbrush--

-Honey, hold on, hold on.

All we're taking over is

a sleeping bag, a thermos,

a flashlight, and some candles.

That's all.

-All right.

Well, what time does

the ghost hunt start?

At the stroke of : ?

-No, we thought we'd

sneak over about

after, uh, you-know-who

is sound asleep.

-And that's not all, Herman.

If we don't figure out a way

to make that ghost move away,

my dad and Mr. Wilson are

gonna lose all their money.

-My mom says my dad loses

all his money at the races.

-Well, maybe you

could scare him.

-People don't scare

ghost, Herman.

Ghosts scare people.

-Well, wait a minute, Tommy.

Remember that movie,

"The Spirits' Revenge?"

-Boy, do I. I had another

swell nightmare about it just

the other night.

-Well, remember how the

good ghosts got together

and scared away the bad ghost

so he'd go haunt someplace else?

-See, smartie?

-So what?

Where you gonna

get the good ghost?

-We'll be our own ghosts, Tommy.

All we have to do is

put on those sheets

we used last Halloween.

-Not me, Dennis.

-I got a sheet.

-Jeepers, Tommy,

ghosts can't hurt you.

-You know it, and I know, but

does that old ghost know it?

-Jeepers, Tommy, I never

thought you'd be chicken.

He didn't even sound

like a very mean ghost.

-My sheet's even clean.

-You're too little, Herman.

-But I'm not chicken.

-Who's chicken?

-You're chicken!

-All right, I'll go, Dennis.

But I won't like it.

-I'll give you a dime

if I can go too, Dennis.

-Herman, I already

told you-- a dime?

-A whole dime.

I never met a ghost before.

-All right, Herman, it's a deal.

-Hot dog!

I bet my sheet's

whiter than yours.

We got a new washer.

-Aw, go soak your head.

-Shh.

Now listen, fellas-- this is

what us good ghosts gotta do

tonight.

[alarm clock ringing]

[alarm clock ringing]

[alarm clock ringing]

[thunder]

[thunder]

[thunder]

[thunder]

[sleepy moaning]

-(WHISPERING) Mitchell.

-(WHISPERING) What is it?

-(WHISPERING) Did you hear that?

-(WHISPERING) What?

-(WHISPERING) That

unearthly sound.

-(WHISPERING) Relax, Mr. Wilson.

You're letting your nerves

get the best of you.

[thunder]

[snoring]

-Mitchell.

-What is it now, Mr. Wilson?

-You're snoring.

-Mr. Wilson, I have

never snored in my life.

-I distinctly heard a--

-Shh.

[footsteps]

-(WHISPERING) What is it?

[footsteps]

-(WHISPERING) Mitchell,

something's coming down

the front walk.

-(WHISPERING) Let's

get underneath the bag.

-(WHISPERING) Yes.

[thunder]

-(WHISPERING) Oh, Mitchell,

I have to-- it's stuck.

-(WHISPERING) Oh.

-(WHISPERING) Get this zipper.

Quick.

-(WHISPERING) There.

Wait.

We can throw that over

his head when he comes in.

-(WHISPERING) Oh!

That's a great idea.

Let's just hope it's a he

or a she and not an it.

Now, Mitchell!

MOONEY (OFFSCREEN): Help!

Let me out of here!

-All right, who is it?

-Sergeant Mooney.

-Who?

-Mooney?

MOONEY (OFFSCREEN): George

Wilson, what in Sam Hill

are you doing here?

MR. WILSON (OFFSCREEN):

We're having afternoon tea.

What are you doing here?

-Investigating a report

that some strange lights

are coming out of this place.

-Must have been our flashlights.

We're trying to track

down these ghost stories.

-And so far, all we've tracked

down is one nosy policeman.

-Oh, you're just

wasting your time.

These stories are simply started

by someone and that's that.

-Well, I don't know, Mooney.

There must be some

good reason for them.

-Oh, come now, George.

Don't tell me you're beginning

to believe in ghosts.

-Oh, no, don't be ridiculous.

Of course not.

[ghostly moaning]

-What was that?

-Uh, that's one of the

ghosts we don't believe in.

[ghostly moaning]

-Come on.

[ghostly moaning]

-(WHISPERING) There must be

some logical explanation.

-(WHISPERING) Could

be the wind blowing

through the eaves of the house.

-Oh, of course.

That's what it is.

[thunder]

[ghostly moaning]

-(WHISPERING) Sergeant,

where's your g*n?

-Oh, he hasn't worn it since

he sh*t himself in the foot

last year.

-I suggest you look

upstairs, Sergeant.

[thunder]

-Me?

Why me?

-Well, you're a

policeman, aren't you?

-That doesn't give me any

authority over ghosts.

-I think we all

better look around.

I'll take the upstairs.

Sergeant, you look down here.

And, and Mr. Wilson, you

go to the basement, OK?

[ghostly moaning]

-Let's draw straws.

See who goes first, huh?

[ghostly moaning]

-Help!

Ghosts!

Help!

-(WHISPERING) Sounds like

it's coming from the basement.

TRAMP (OFFSCREEN): Help!

-(WHISPERING) Mitchell, the

basement's around there.

-They're after me!

They're after me!

They're after me!

-Who's after you, man?

Who?

[ghostly moaning]

-It's the--

-Hey, hey--

[ghostly moaning]

-Good heavens!

Oh, they're coming!

-Save me, save me.

[ghostly moaning]

-Stop in the name of the law!

-Hi, Sergeant Mooney.

-Hi, Sergeant Mooney.

-Dennis, is that you?

-Hi, Dad.

Hi, Mr. Wilson.

-Oh, good grief.

-You mean they

really aren't ghosts.

-I am.

-You're not either, Herman.

-Well, what do you know?

-Hey, just a minute.

Who are you?

-Me?

What?

Well, my good man, I, uh--

-Mitchell!

It's our ghost.

-Ghost?

Well, I am a man of

many accomplishments.

A gentleman of

leisure, you might

say, who has been

residing in the basement

of this charming edifice

for the past several years.

-Mitchell, we've

found our ghost.

[train whistle]

-And, uh, now if you

gentlemen will excuse me,

I believe that's the : .

- : what?

-The : freight going south.

Because of a touch

of sinus condition

contracted in your

damp basement,

together with these

constant interruptions,

I have decided to

winter in Florida.

Adieu, gentlemen.

And may you show a

little more consideration

to your next tenant.

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: This has been a

Screen Gems film production

from the Hollywood studios

of Columbia Pictures.