01x07 - The Five Finger Discount

[bunniefuu]

♪

Working at the coolest store

in the mall, it's like, I'm

finally where I belong.

I know, I know, you all wish you

were me.

Yeah, that's right, I dream

about it every night.

But how'd you get hired for

such a sweet job after being

canned everywhere else?

You just got to know how to

market yourself my good man.

A good resume opens doors.

Isn't this your resume?

Hey, give that back!

Says here you're a Volkswagen

salesman of the year and

chairman of the Save the Lobster

campaign?

Impressive.

Real mature, Jonesy.

So.

Once I prove myself on the job,

my resume won't matter any more.

MAN: Yo' Jonesy.

Quiet, here comes my

co-workers.

Christo, Blade.

We're going skydiving

tonight, thought you'd like

to join us for a jump.

A jump?

Out of a plane?

Yeah it says on your resume

you're Junior National Skydiving

Champion.

Then we're on for tonight.

We pack our own chutes.

Don't forget your crash helmet.

[Mall chattering]

I'm so there.

Yeah!

[Teeth chattering]

It was nice knowing you,

Jonesy.

Man, I heard people bounce

when they hit the ground from

that high up.

[Gulping]

Really, because I heard they

just go splat like a giant water

balloon.

Then there was the guy who

d*ed of fright on the way down.

Sure, but the dude would have

lived if he just pulled the

right cord.

The right cord?

Which one's the right cord?

♪

♪ Life begins after school

♪ That's when we bend

all the rules ♪

♪ Time to hang

with all my friends ♪

♪ We like to be together

in a place where we belong ♪

♪ I'm sixteen

♪ Starting to find my way

♪ Got a new job

♪ Gonna start at

the mall today ♪

♪ Thank God I'm on my own

for the first time ♪

♪ I'm sixteen

♪ Life is sweet

♪ When you're growing up

so fast ♪

♪ You got to make the good

times last ♪

♪

♪ I'm sixteen, sixteen

♪ Got to make the good times

last ♪

♪

One lemon squishie to go.

Oops, almost forgot to pay.

Don't worry about it, new

store policy.

All friends get free drinks.

You can't just make up

policies like that.

I've been working here for

four weeks, I think I know what

I'm doing.

[Slurping]

So, huh, what do you think?

I still don't see why things

that beep are so much cooler

than Stereo Shack.

How many times do I have to

explain it, Stereo Shack is a

computer store for geeks, The

Beep sells sweet gadgets like,

well, this juicer tanning

machine.

[Humming]

Hmm.

And check these out: x-ray

vision glasses.

[Beeping]

Ah!

Keep it down, would ya?!

I've got an image to maintain,

so that means none of your

stupid stunts.

Wait, they're always your

stupid stunts.

Well don't encourage me then.

[Yawning]

CHAIR:Hi.

Hmm?

What's your name?

Huh, where are you, dude?

Please say your name at the

tone.

Whoa, that chair sounds like

a lady.

"Whoa," is not in my name

database.

Please say your name again.

Jude, my name's Jude.

Hi, Jude, I am the Tush

Control ,

a state-of-the-art, fully

interactive furniture

experience.

Really?

Heh-heh, sick.

Just sit back, relax and

let's get to know each other

better.

'Kay.

Now, don't you feel better?

[Vibrating]

Oh, yeah, dude.

[Guitar strumming]

Guys, wait up, you won't

believe what just happened?

Don't tell me, another

skydiver got pureed by a jet

engine?

Pureed?

No, Caitlin tried to give me

free lemonade, she says it's her

new store policy.

Yeah, and then what?

That's it.

Wait, you guys did pay for your

lemonades, right?

Guys!

Can't you see?

Caitlin's having trouble

adjusting to the real world.

You know, the one where you need

money to buy things?

Overreacting much?

She could get fired!

Jen, we all get free stuff

from our stores, you know, a

demo CD here--

A dog on a stick there--

It's a perk of the job.

The employee bonus plan.

Minimum wage revenge, dude!

Nikki, help me out here!

I took a pair of argyle socks

from the Khaki Barn.

But you hate clothes from The

Barn!

Yeah, they're gross.

I'm giving them to Wyatt for his

birthday.

Nice.

Am I the only one who thinks

taking stuff from work is just

like, begging for trouble?

Looks like it.

Once, I used a piece of the

store's packing tape for

personal purposes, but I made

sure I put in two minutes

overtime for it.

Okay, look, see this

packing tape?

Yeah.

Much better.

Masterson!

[Moaning]

Unpack this new stock!

Yes.

[Tearing]

Ow!

How do people get waxed?

Don't ask me.

[Gasping]

The new Leon Shreds

boarding jackets!

I'd do anything for one of

these!

Anything?

Alright, I'll buy it for you if

you run naked through the mall,

with these flippers on.

Believe me, if you could

afford it, I would.

It's really expensive.

Ah, I look so hot.

You're not the only one who

thinks so.

JEN: Carson!

He's the cutest guy in the mall.

Subjectively speaking of

course, but he's not half-bad.

It looks like he's got

something in his eye.

No shred-head, he's winking

at you.

Oh-- ohh!

But he's never noticed me

before.

[Gasping]

It's gotta be the jacket!

So buy it.

It can't be that expensi--

Ah!

Shopping hurts sometimes.

Let the jacket go!

[Grunting]

[Thudding]

Aren't you supposed to, I

don't know, talk to the

customers?

Let me tell you a little

secret I learned at The Beep:

you let the customers come to

you.

ELDERLY WOMAN: Excuse me.

I'm looking for a gift for my

grandson.

Hey, I'm trying to talk to my

friend here, come back when I'm

not so busy.

You've got to make them feel

like they have to buy your

approval.

Right.

[Gasping]

Jude!

You're so different from all

the other girls.

Jude, what are you doing?

[Vibrating]

Hey Jonesy, I'm talking to

Betty.

There's nobody here, buddy.

Sure there is: Betty, I'm

sitting right on her.

Are you happy, Jude?

I'm awesome, Betty, thanks

for asking again.

Okay, that's just a piece of

furniture with a computer in it.

Furniture?

You know, giving people labels

like that is bad karma.

Whatever, man, just disappear

before I get fired!

Yo, Jonesy, there's some rich

guy from Berlin who doesn't

speak English, why don't you

help him?

Sure, give me all the hard

customers.

Well you're the only one here

fluent in German, says so on

your resume.

Yeah...hey there,

Weiner schnitzel!

Come on, let's get out of

here.

I'll be thinking about you,

Betty!

She's so smart and yet,

comfortable.

Guys, I think I'm in love.

With a leather armchair?

Okay, I know it sounds weird

but, hear me out.

Betty's beautiful, soft,

easygoing and she makes me feel

calm and relaxed.

How many real girls do you know

that have all that?

Guy makes a good point.

Man, I want to buy her

something nice.

I was thinking, some saddle soap

or maybe a throw cushion.

Better grab it before my shift

starts, later!

Dude is messed up!

So what do we do?

Pretend we don't know him?

I've got it!

The only thing that'll get Jude

off a girl chair is a real girl.

You know, one that doesn't need

electricity.

We got a whole mall full of

hotties here.

There must be lots of girls we

can set up with Jude.

Hey, what'll it be amigos?

The usual.

Two spicy wraps--

I don't know, how many

people do you know who could

carry on a conversation with

Jude?

Right on, I just got a

psychic message!

Oh wait, it was just the static

in my headphones.

It's got to be someone

outside the box.

Way outside the box.

I just took a power sweat

African ballet yoga class.

Mad hard, but so fun!

Oh, that's nice.

This is going to be harder

than we thought.

[Dinging]

MAN: Two wraps.

Here you go, and remember,

life is just like a spicy wrap.

Yeah, how's that?

How's what?

Uh-huh.

How about her?

Why not, worth a sh*t.

Yeah, it's pretty cool, you

know, me, The Beep, me, but if

anyone asks I can't go skydiving

tonight 'cause my dog d*ed.

Sure, whatever.

[Crunching]

BOY: Sweet.

BOY : Wicked.

GIRL: Oooh!

[Wolf-whistling]

Hey, she's wearing my jacket.

She's cute.

Did she steal it?

Want me to go shake her down?

No, no, it's not mine, we

just got them at the store.

But all I can afford to do is

drool over them.

Life is so unfair sometimes.

[Chewing]

Of course you can afford one.

You work there!

You get a discount!

Staff only get % off.

And that won't help, believe me.

I'm not talking about a staff

discount, I'm talking the five

finger kind.

You mean, steal it?

Steal?

Heck no, it's worker's

compensation.

Didn't you cover for two girls

last weekend?

Yeah.

Aren't you their number one

sales associate?

Every week.

See, The Penalty Box owes you

that jacket.

Hey, you're the girl that was

wearing that cool jacket.

You work at The Penalty Box,

right?

Oh, Carson, yeah that was me,

but it's not my--

[Groaning]

Shh.

Well, see ya Betty.

Did you hear that?

He called me Betty, yes, yes!

Huh, last time I called a

chick by the wrong name, I got

dumped.

Where is everyone else?

Why do I always have to put away

all the stinky shoes?

[Fly buzzing]

Ugh!

Ah, Carson wears these.

[Harp music playing]

Carson you're like the god of

all skater boys.

Thanks, hot girl, you rock

too.

[Saxophone music playing]

Ugh!

Hi Jen, wow, you look gorgeous

today.

You wanna be my girlfriend?

[Fireworks blasting]

Masterson, Masterson!

You put a size . in a size

box-- and why are you kissing

that shoe?

You got your head on straight

today?

I was just, see I--

Two minutes in the penalty

box.

Yes, coach.

Ugh, can't believe this, best

sales associate, no respect.

[Horror music playing]

♪

♪

WYATT: Whoa, looking fine,

Jennifer.

You notice something

different about me?

This is the new Leon Shreds

Pipemasters jacket.

Mmm-hmm.

So, how did you afford it?

Oh, you know, just a little

thing called the five finger

discount.

ALL: What?

I don't believe it.

You better be kidding.

What were you thinking?

Well, I was putting shoes

away and coach put me in the

penalty box and--

Jonesy made me do it!

Gotta get back to The Beep.

[Gasping]

What, you guys do it too.

Yeah, we take like chocolate

bars and stuff, you took a whole

jacket.

That is whack, dude.

I would've just taken a

button off it or something.

Jen, love the jacket.

Hey, you free later?

Sure.

[Throat clearing]

What's a girl gonna do?

♪

It certainly is big.

Look how thin it is.

Can I see it work?

No problem, I'll let you

handle this Jonesy since you

studied advanced audio-visual

electronics, right?

Well, if it says so on my

resume, then I did.

All you do is turn this here--

[Music blaring]

[Music stopping]

[Sighing]

Phew, ah!

I'll think about it.

Uh, is it maybe too warm in

here for that jacket?

Too warm?

N-no, no I'm perfect.

Well, you do look good.

MAN: We have a - at The

Penalty Box, a - over,

something about a missing

jacket.

[Gasping]

Hey, isn't that where you

work?

Jen?

Psst, over here!

What are you doing back

there?

Um, sometimes I get, uh, shy.

Ooo, let's go for a walk.

This way!

Alright.

Ah-ha, yeah, your lumbar

massage cycle is like a

spiritual experience.

Jude, when you're happy,

I'm happy.

Maybe we could run away to

Costa Rica or I could run and

pull you in a wagon since you

don't have legs.

Hi Jude, did you see the two

second hair curlers?

What a time-saver.

No, hey wanna meet Betty?

Oh, right, the chair.

Yeah, Betty was worried that

maybe you guys didn't accept her

since she's made of leather.

Jude, listen to me, you have

got to get a grip- it's a chair!

[Gasping]

They just need more time,

that's all.

[Sighing]

[Giggling]

[Screaming]

Ouch, good height though.

♪

[Grunting]

Coach, are you okay?

[Grunting]

One of the new Leon Shreds

jackets is missing!

I know it didn't sell, I checked

the receipts.

Oh, no.

Oh yes, that cuts into

profits.

Anyway, I'm sure that jacket

didn't go missing on your watch,

probably got swiped while

Anderchuck was running things.

She's a lightweight!

Yeah, well don't go too hard

on her.

So this is what we're gonna

do: I'll sneak in and return the

jacket after the mall's closed,

that way coach will just think

it was misplaced and I'm off the

hook, got it?

Uh-huh, except the part where

you say "this is what we're

going to do."

I need help; you guys can

watch for people coming.

If someone sees me return the

jacket, I'm screwed.

Jen, love to help, but I've

got a big meeting at The Beep

tonight.

And I've got to get Betty a

card, it's our two day

anniversary.

Excuse me, you got me into

this, all of you, with your

"minimum wage revenge, Jen,"

"you're so out of it, Jen,"

"why don't you go steal two,

Jen."

I could go to jail and it's all

your fault and all you care

about is your job and you-- your

chair-friend!

Okay, okay, chill, we'll help

you.

[Laughing]

That reminds me of something

Betty said today.

I can't take it anymore,

time to move!

So, does he like tennis?

Um, Jude likes...chasing

balls.

He's like having your own

puppy.

Right, puppies are cute.

Aren't they?

MAN: You pay for it, you can

have it, until then, you're

banned from The Beep.

I'll get the money!

Does this store have a layaway

plan?

Jude!

Wyatt, you gotta help me bro.

They won't let me see her

anymore.

No one understands Betty and I

are soul mates.

Oh, Betty!

Betty?

I thought you said he was

single?

JUDE: I'm right here, I won't

ever leave you.

Aw, that poor guy.

[Register dinging]

Oh no, dude just sold Betty!

Betty!

Wait a second, he's talking

about a chair.

[Scoffing]

It's the Tush Control .

[Window squeaking]

Dude, no!

All clear.

Huh?

Ahhh!

Ok, I'm going in.

[Spy music playing]

Eh, this is so easy.

[Gasping]

So super spy, what do we do

about him?

Aw man, this could ruin

everything.

What do we do?

I have a plan.

[Smashing]

Busted.

I bet you were gonna pee in

there, too.

Yuck.

[Nervous laughing]

Mission accomplished.

[Whistling]

Hey, look who's all happy.

Yeah, I feel so much better.

And what about Carson, the

cute skater boy?

Oh, he probably won't

recognize me without the jacket,

but I'm sure I'll survive.

Masterson, we found the

missing jacket under a pile of

hockey gloves.

Really, guess it wasn't

stolen then, huh?

That's what I thought, until

I saw an unauthorized entry code

in the store last night, so

I pulled the security tape.

Got these sh*ts nice and clear!

[Gulping]

I know, I'm fired, I really

don't blame you, I deserve it.

Ah I should fire you, yes,

but I can't.

Why not?

Oof--

I've got to respect someone

who does the right thing, even

if they had to do a wrong thing

first in order to do that right

thing.

Wow, thanks coach.

But you still get minutes

in the penalty box!

All of ya!

JONESY: Us?

We didn't even have anything to

do with it!

[Nervous laughing]

[Laughing]

This is so humiliating.

Tell me about it.

Embezzlement: it's not a good

thing.

Hey, Jen just went about it

the wrong way.

If she'd only stuck to the small

stuff, none of this would have--

There he is!

Guys, what's up?

We know you stole something

from The Beep, man.

No way, I didn't take

anything!

Yeah, so what's this?

That's, that's a plastic pen.

A Beep plastic pen.

I can even see the teeth marks

where I chewed it.

You're so fired.

You were saying?

♪

Hey, the usual.

One lemonade coming up.

I can't believe you can drink

this after working here for a

whole year.

Thanks.

Oops, I don't have enough

change.

Don't worry about it, it's a

free b--

Okay, no more freebies.

No money, no drink!

Exactly.

But, we don't want it to go

to waste or anything.

[Slurping]

[Gasping]

I give up.

Hey look, they have a new

Betty chair in tan!

Much more tasteful.

Oh, yeah.

It's nice, I guess.

You okay?

Yeah.

See you later, Jude.

No offence, but you're just not

Betty.

GIRL: Sold your chair, huh?

How'd you know?

When my mom got rid of my old

desk lamp last year, I cried for

two whole days.

♪

Wanna get a squishie with me?

Okay.

[Beeping]

CHAIR:Hi, what's your name?

♪

♪