01x11 - The Fake Date

[bunniefuu]

♪

[Sighing]

♪

[Gasping]

[Laughing]

[Both laughing]

[Gasping]

Ooh.

[Laughing]

Can I please get some service

here?

What?

I said, can I please...

Get some service?

Ew!

I mean, I'm sorry, sir.

Uh, right away.

Mmm.

Hello!

Sorry, what did you wanna

get?

Time-out!

[Yelling]

I'll field this one,

Masterson.

Mmm.

And you have yourself a

top-scoring day.

Masterson!

What?

Oh, sorry, coach.

I see you noticed our new

employee, Charlie Dobbs.

Charlie Dobbs?

Ah, no.

Does he work here?

Save it.

I know that look on your face.

Remember the Penalty Box

employee policy: any time

feelings of love arise on the

job, push ups.

Yes, sir.

Now since I've just mentioned

love, I'm going to do myself.

[Grunting]

[Cracking]

[Screaming]

I'll get to the other later,

but, boy, that feels good.

Hand me one of those sports

towels, Masterson.

Ew.

Mark that down percent.

Good job.

Yes, coach.

♪

♪ Life begins after school

♪ That's when we bend

all the rules ♪

♪ Time to hang

with all my friends ♪

♪ We like to be together

in a place where we belong ♪

♪ I'm sixteen

♪ Starting to find my way

♪ Got a new job

♪ Gonna start at

the mall today ♪

♪ Thank God I'm on my own

for the first time ♪

♪ I'm sixteen

♪ Life is sweet

♪ When you're growing up

so fast ♪

♪ You got to make the good

times last ♪

♪

♪ I'm sixteen, sixteen

♪ Got to make the good times

last ♪

♪

[Gulping]

Sometimes the helmets can be

a bit confusing.

Let me do it for you.

Thanks.

Don't even worry about it.

I've done it a million times.

[Sighing]

Dobbs!

Centre field.

I need you to change this

display.

Gotta go.

So, uh, I thought since

you're new you might want to, I

don't know, go for a coffee with

me.

Since we'll be working together

and all.

Oh, that's nice, but

actually, uh, I've got a--

Gotta go?

Oh, me too.

I've got so much work to do.

So see you later.

Oof!

Ouch.

You all right there?

Fine.

Ugh, nice move, Jen.

I know what's going on here.

Uh, it's not what it looks

like, heh.

It's exactly what it looks

like.

Jen's got a crush--

[Muffled yelling]

[Laughing]

She really needed to try that

shirt on.

[Sighing]

Huh, is that actually text on

his screen?

Yeah, he's writing a guide

on how to score chicks for guys

that suck at scoring chicks.

Isn't that kind of like the

pot calling the kettle black?

Oh, forget it.

So, what inspired this bout of

literary genius?

My new job at Booktropolis.

You should see some of the books

in there.

What a rip-off!

"The Cat in the Hat"?

Please, it only took me

minutes to read that one.

That's because it's a

children's book.

Yeah, well, if people will

buy a book about a cat who's

wearing a hat--

And by the way, they don't.

--then this will be a

best-seller.

Oh, I'm sure.

Check it out.

"Chapter : Avoiding the

Parents."

Check it out.

"Chapter : Avoiding the

Author."

Hey, Penalty Box girl.

Who's getting a major for

hooking a babe?

Not me.

Charlie still doesn't know I

exist.

JONESY: Common problem.

Chapter of my book, "Making

the First Move."

Don't go there.

You're writing a book?

She went there.

Yes, as a matter of fact.

And it doesn't matter whether

you're a guy or a chick.

You always have to make the

first move.

Okay...

Trust me, if you wanna get

this guy's attention, I can

help you.

Really?

Sure.

See, all guys want is to think

they're a player.

Work the ego angle.

If you can make him believe

that he's all that, you've got

him.

Don't listen to him.

Wouldn't you be more

attracted to a guy who knows

just what to say to the ladies?

Sure, you know any?

Jonesy, if you could do this

for me--

It's as good as done.

Let's go.

See you guys!

This should be interesting,

in a train wreck kind of way.

♪

Hound Dog to Hawk, come in

Hawk.

Do you read me?

Hawk here.

Proceed to prey.

[Inhaling deeply]

Okay, say, "Hey, Charlie."

Hey, Charlie.

I'll bet you're good at

scoring.

I'll bet you're good at

scoring.

Actually, I did get points

in last year's season.

Highest scorer on the team.

What an idiot.

What an idiot.

Oh, not you!

Jonesy!

Jonesy?

Jen, don't blow it.

I'm not blowing it.

Blowing what?

Nothing, um...

COACH: Masterson!

Excuse me a minute.

Abort mission.

Abort, abort, abort!

Get out of there.

Ahh, whoa!

Ooh.

Ow.

You all right there?

Huh?

Yeah.

Oof.

I'll bet you're good at

scoring.

Give me , now, now, now!

One, two...

That was so humiliating.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Another satisfied customer,

Jonesy?

[Laughing]

I did everything except throw

myself at his feet.

Actually, you did that too.

Ugh, you were right, Nikki.

I never should have listened to

him.

See?

If you all would just accept

that Nikki's always right your

lives would be so much easier.

But why isn't Charlie even

the slightest bit interested?

I'm cute, aren't I?

Maybe he's, you know.

Oh.

Is he?

No.

So what do I do?

The staff party's tomorrow and I

wanted to go with him.

That's it, make him jealous.

If you want Charlie to want you,

take someone else to the party.

I don't get it.

Guys want what they can't

have.

So get a fake date to take you

to the party.

When he sees you're taken, he'll

have to have you.

Ah, jealousy.

The time-honoured way to a man's

heart.

But where can I find a fake

date on such short notice.

Are you kidding?

Your store has the best staff

party in the entire mall.

I'd do it.

Me too.

Yeah, count me in.

Hey, it's free food.

See?

I'll find you the perfect guy.

♪

Whoa.

Hey, fake date dudes.

Am I late?

Just in time.

Back of the line's that way.

The legendary P B party.

Ha, ha, last year they gave out

a brand-new snowboard as the

door prize.

You'll definitely be the one,

dude.

Poor sucker doesn't have a

chance.

Standby, guys.

[Phone dialling]

[Line ringing]

Hi, Cait.

Set to go?

Yeah, you ready?

All set.

Let's see them.

Okay, listen up.

Suitability for Jen will be

judged on your interview with

me, and your answer to a

skill-testing question.

Oh, and hygene is important

too.

Aw.

Ew.

Contestant Number , how

would you treat Jen if you went

out with her on a date?

Like a princess.

[Purring like a cat]

Excuse me, Contestant Number

.

A girl like that arrives alone

at the Penalty Box party.

What would you do?

So there's absolutely no

chance of me getting any, uh,

action on this date with Jen,

right?

Ugh, as if.

None.

In that case, I'd definitely

go for the fox.

You don't stay on first when the

coach is waving you to second.

Ew, you're disqualified.

For what?

For cheating on your fake

girlfriend, that's what.

And for using a baseball

analogy for scoring with a girl.

[Buzzer ringing]

Next.

Looks like you got benched.

[Buzzer ringing]

CAITLIN: Next.

[Buzzer ringing]

CAITLIN: Next.

[Laughing]

Aw, you brought me a vanilla

butterscotch latte.

How sweet.

That's one word for it.

How can you drink flavoured

coffee?

Contestant Number , opening

your mind to new experiences

makes for a funner date.

But flavoured coffee is just

wrong.

Never correct a girl.

Now go get me some cream and

sugar.

You're putting cream and

sugar in it too?

Wyatt.

Let's check out what

Contestant Number is listening

to.

Good idea.

[Upbeat rock music playing]

Huh?

No, turn it off.

It's a song I'm working on.

It's not done yet.

Okay, okay.

But huge marks off for that

performance.

So not up to par.

No, my song, my song.

[Both laughing]

I think he just invented a

new dance.

Seriously, guys.

[Buzzer ringing]

Next.

Very funny.

You're k*lling me, really.

[Buzzer ringing]

Next.

Now, if you were Jen's date--

Whoa, chill.

You want something to drink?

You must be sick of making juice

for everyone.

Let me do it.

Ouch.

Someone must be harshing on your

mellow.

Your shoulders are so tight.

A massage too?

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a

winner.

Jude, guess what?

We've decided you're my fake

date.

Awesome.

No way.

Jude gets to go?

Never underestimate a man

with a six-year-old snowboard,

my friend.

Gonna score me some new gear.

Look at it this way:

it's not so much that Jude won,

it's more that you two were

rejected.

I've been turned down for

dates before, but this is the

first time I've ever been turned

down for a pretend date.

It was just a matter of

time.

Hey, this is gonna make a

very awkward, painful chapter

in my book.d, painful chapter


Aw, there, there.

I'm sure all the chapters in

your book will be awkward and

painful.

[All laughing]

This reminds me of that

movie, Kung-Fu Cop Partners.

You just picked the wrong guy.

No, idiot.

He said, "You just kicked the

thong guy."

No, I saw the movie and he

said, "You picked the wrong

guy."

I saw the movie too and he

said, "You kicked the thong

guy."

I saw the movie and he said,

"Get a life."

♪

It's zero hour.

You two look great.

Make me proud.

Oh, wait.

Perfect.

Walk ever so slightly behind Jen

and whatever you do do not block

her light.

Right.

Should I hold her hand?

No!

Now have fun!

Masterson!

Oof!

Hey.

Uh, where's Dobbs?

Dobbs?

Oh, he's out getting ice.

Jude.

Yes, fake date?

Don't call me "fake date."

We need sustenance.

This could be a long night.

Get us some hors d'oeuvre.

Word-y what-ys?

Food, Jude, food.

It's free.

Food.

I can do that.

Ahh, okay, love is just a

game, right?

Right.

And I'm really good at sports.

Right!

I can do this.

Time for Round .

He says, "You just kicked the

thong guy."

That is so dumb.

Why would he say that?

'Cause he just kicked the

guy who was wearing the thong.

Admit it, you're wrong.

Uh, unless you're buying,

it's called loitering.

You wanna give me a hand?

Hey, you picked the wrong

guy.

You kicked the--

You know what?

I'm not even gonna argue with

you anymore.

You're wrong, simple as that.

There's one way to find out.

g Kung-Fu Cop Partnersis playin

at the Gigantoplex in

minutes.

Go to a movie with you?

Ha, in your dreams.

Unless you're afraid to find

out you're wrong.

You know what?

I'm gonna go to the movie with

you, just to see your face when

that line comes up.

Fine!

Fine!

Uh, did I just agree to go to

the movie with you?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I was afraid I did that.

♪

Charlie is so not paying

attention to me.

He's barely even looked over

here.

Do I have to sit here the

whole night and hold your purse?

Wyatt, how'd you score this

gig?

The guy they had lined up got

food poisoning.

How'd you get in?

It's called the Little

Squeeze.

We use it for private parties.

I just told the guy at the door

Coach Halder hired me.

How's Jen doing?

Not too good.

[Yawning]

Hmm, time for a pep talk.

Okay, focus.

Don't look at him.

Be mysterious.

He's probably just playing

hard-to-get.

Then stand on your own so he can

see--

[Gasping]

He's coming!

Hey!

Have you got any Justin

Timberlake?

[Laughing]

Sorry, dude.

I'm fresh out.

Justin Timberlake?

Aah, I love Justin Timberlake!

You do?

Oh, yeah.

I love that one, ah, "Loving You

Lately."

That is not a Justin

Timberlake song.

Oh.

Do you wanna dance?

[Groaning]

I'm going to the girls' room.

You want a lemon sh**t?

Nah, I think I'm gonna have

one of these energy drinks.

One, please.

Make it two.

Am I paying for you too?

Thanks for asking, yeah.

Could you get me a drink and a

popcorn?

You may as well supersize them.

Thanks, Nikki, you're a pal.

Gee, going to a movie with

you is like taking my

six-year-old nephew.

Ha, you must have one

gorgeous nephew.

Just make sure you go to the

bathroom before the movie

starts.

♪

Now stand over this way a

bit.

Okay, sink down so your shoulder

doesn't cover me.

What are you doing?

It feels weird down here,

man.

GIRL: Bye.

BOY: Later, Charlie.

Laugh like I said something

funny.

But you didn't.

Jude, just act like I'm the

most wonderful thing in the

world.

And stand up!

[Laughing]

Good one, dude.

Ah...

[Groaning]

♪

Listen, the line is coming

up.

Would you stop saying "The

line is coming up."

And sit still.

I have to go pee.

Could you be quiet?

[Man on screen laughing]

ACTOR : Hi-yah!

ACTOR : You kicked the thong

guy.

[Groaning]

We'll have to do that again

sometime.

The whole point was to prove

you were wrong, which you are.

Push the button.

I did.

It's not lit up.

I know, but I pushed it.

You don't have to push it.

I pushed it.

It doesn't light up.

I don't think you pushed it.

[Elevator dinging]

Oh, look, the elevator's

here.

Huh, gee, how did that happen?

Maybe it just knows.

I'll push it.

I've got it.

Ugh, you're such a-a guy.

Just leave it alone.

No, stop it.

I told you, I--

Just let me push the stupid

button.

[Crashing]

Oh, now look what you've

done.

What, this is my fault now?

We're trapped, aren't we.

It's completely dead.

Stop talking.

You're using up all the air.

I can't breathe.

You're panicking.

Just relax.

No, I need air.

We're gonna die in here.

I'm too young to die.

♪

Where's Jen?

In the bathroom again,

regrouping.

He's just one guy.

Maybe he just isn't into her?

Have I thanked you yet for

not picking me as Jen's date?

Like seven times.

Hey, have you guys seen Jude?

Last time I saw him he was

back at the energy drink table.

What's with him and the

energy drinks?

Can't he just relax and have a

good time?

[Gasping]

How many have you had?

Ha, ha, I don't know.

Fourteen?

They're free, free is good.

Love the free.

Whoa!

Whoa!

[Crashing]

I have some chamomile tea

back at Spin This I could get.


Look, it's Wyatt.

Wyatt!

We're up here!

Help!

Oh, yeah, you guys are so

funny.

My song, my song.

Laugh it up.

Where's he going?

What did you do?

What did I do?

You got us into this mess.

I don't want my book to end this

way.

"Chapter : You Can't Score If

You're Not Alive."

Here, let me help you test

that theory.

[Choking]

[Both yelling indistinctly]

♪

Jude, what's up?

Caitlin, I can, like, see

right through you.

Try to relax, Jude.

Wyatt is coming with some

chamomile tea.g with some


This is starting to freak me

out.

Yellow is mellow.

Gotta find something yellow.

Yeah!

Listen up, team.

Tonight's grand prize is a

soccer ball Palm Pilot that

plays...

♪

[Crowd oohing]

Yellow is mellow.

[Laughing]

And the grand prize winner

is...

[Groaning]

Holy--

[Screaming]

Get down!

Jude, are you okay?

Like, I'm so totally not.

Your boyfriend just ruined

the cool soccer ball thingy.

That's it, we are so over.

Here's the chamomile tea.

♪

This tea tastes like a dirty

gym sock.

Just make sure you drink all of

it.

I'm sorry I ruined the party.

Oh, it's not your fault,

Jude.

It's Caitlin's for setting the

whole thing up.

Wait a minute, I didn't spend

the whole night being mean to

Jude.

Yeah, Jen.

I think you owe Jude an apology.

[Sighing]

You're right.

And I'm gonna make it up to you.

Wow, that's so not necessary.

But I'll let you anyway.

JONESY: I'm too young to

die.

I don't wanna die in an

elevator.

Why me?

[Yelling]

Thank you, thank you.

I never in a million years

thought I'd be happy to see you.

You are beautiful!

And you're gonna get a whole

chapter in my book.

No, two!

Now arrest her.

♪

I'm almost finished the last

chapter of my book.

It's where I save our lives in

the elevator.

Do not put me in your stupid

book.

In fact, why don't you try

reading some books on the job

instead of jumping right to

writing one?

Can't, got fired.

But don't worry, you come off

looking like a complete babe.

Oh, well, in that case, carry

on Shakespeare.

Here, Jude.

I know how much you love these.

And no spit!

Sweet.

No problem.

You did have to put up with me

last night.

Ugh, just look at him.

Acting all cool, all "I'm the

hottest guy in the food court

with my sandwich."

Hey, second hottest guy.

That's it, I can't take it

anymore.

I've got to find out why he

isn't interested in me.

Wait, you're risking

rejection at point-blank range?

I can take rejection, but

I've got to know.

Charlie, I wanted to ask you

something.

Oh, hey, Jen.

This is my girlfriend, Jill.

Jill, this is Jen.

Your girlfriend?

You have a girlfriend!

That's great news!

It's so nice to meet you.

Okay, so see you at work.

Didn't you want to ask me

something?

Who, me?

No.

Wow, she really takes

rejection well.

He had a girlfriend all

along.

I'm not a total loser after all.

That's still up for debate.

Wait a second, what does she

have that I don't?

Here we go again.

Oh, man.

No, guys, I'm serious.

I'm as cute as she is, aren't I?

And I'm definitely more

athletic.

Just look at those chicken legs.

I mean, have you seen me play

soccer?

And snowboarding?

Whoa, I'm a total shred betty.

♪