01x03 - The Slow and the Even-Tempered

[bunniefuu]

GIRL: Can we sing, "Hey Bus

Driver, Speed Up a Little Bit"?

As soon as the bus gets

rolling.

[Cheering]

Don't forget to load up the

equipment bags, Jen.

The what?

Oh, right, sure thing, Coach

Handsome.

I mean, Coach Hanson.

[Giggling]

You've got your driver's

licence, right?

Uh, sure, Coach.

A learner's permit is

practically a licence.

[Grunting]

♪ Hey Bus Driver, speed up a

little bit ♪

♪ Speed up a little bit

♪ Speed up a little bit

That's weird.

I thought I left the...

[Crashing]

...van here.

[Gasping]

I am so going to fail my driving

test again.

♪

♪ Life begins after school

♪ That's when we bend

all the rules ♪

♪ Time to hang

with all my friends ♪

♪ We like to be together

in a place where we belong ♪

♪ I'm sixteen

♪ Starting to find my way

♪ Got a new job

♪ Gonna start at

the mall today ♪

♪ Thank God I'm on my own

for the first time ♪

♪ I'm sixteen

♪ Life is sweet

♪ When you're growing up

so fast ♪

♪ You got to make the good

times last ♪

♪

♪ I'm sixteen, sixteen

♪ Got to make the good

times last ♪

Someone's outfit challenged

today.

Seriously, dude, called.

They want their jacket back.

What's wrong with it?

Wyatt, it's old.

Retro is so yesterday.

She says without a hint of

irony.

They have a sale at my

favourite guy store this week.

I could take you.

I don't want a new one.

This is my lucky jacket.

I was wearing this jacket when I

won that songwriting contest

last year, and when I got on the

Grade national debate team.

Yeah, I wouldn't advertise

that one, buddy.

I'm telling you, this jacket

is lucky.

Ah, Lady Luck, the most

elusive Betty of them all.

Okay, let me touch it then.

I need a new job.

What happened to your job at

the Nothing Over a Dollar Store?

Bad vibe, no chicks, just old

ladies looking for a deal.

Come on, lucky jacket.

Quit it, you're gonna rub a

hole in it!

Yeah, don't ruin it.

There's no such thing as

luck.

I wore my lucky bra to my last

bio test, and I totally flunked.

Maybe if you studied, you'd

have been more lucky.

I heard Ron the Rent-a-Cop is

looking for an assistant

security guard.

Yes!

No!

Oh, I don't know, man.

Could you imagine Jonesy as

mall security?

The only thing arresting about

him is his breath.

What, you think I couldn't do

it?

There is no job in this mall

that I can't do.

The next time you see me, I'll

be running this joint.

Ooh!

[Laughing]

Right, left.

"Get off the road, you idiot."

[Laughing]

Masterson!

Why is that guy picking his

nose?

Oh, um...

Forget that for a minute.

I need you to go buy me lunch.

Surprise me, nothing spicy

though.

Sure thing, Coach.

Hey, Jen, hungry?

I have to buy lunch for Coach

Halder.

How about five-alarm barbecue

stick-its?

Sure, whatever.

So, do you know the ending,

who did it?

Jude, it's a driver's manual.

So the chauffeur probably did

it.

I'm studying for my driver's

licence.

But I don't know why I'm even

bothering, there's no way I'm

going to get it.

How come?

I think I'm going to crash.

Nah, you'll be fine.

No offence, but you don't

know what it's like to crash a

vehicle.

Oh, I know about crashing,

dude.

That gross feeling in the pit of

your stomach.

The screech of tires.

That final, sickening crunch of

metal against wood.

Yes, yes, it's so awful!

If you want, I could give you

driving lessons.

Why, what makes you such an

expert?

They let you drive?

I am a most impressive driver.

I can make you equally as

skilled.

I need all the help I can

get.

♪

What do you want?

I heard you were looking for,

um, an assistant.

Do you think you got what it

takes, punk?

Do you?

Yes, sir.

All right, maggot, let's see

your stuff.

♪

Whoa!

RON: Ever been arrested?

JONESY: No.

Have you ever said a bad

thing about a mall security

officer?

No.

[Beeping]

Okay.

[Gasping]

No loitering!

Break it up, you two!

Welcome to the force, kid.

Can I have a g*n?

No.

How about nunchuks?

You get this.

Yo, I was thinking of working

undercover.

Yo, wear the uniform.

If I'm gonna teach you the

way of the road, you are gonna

have to trust me.

Okay.

It's my way or the highway.

Got it.

Actually, my way will also

involve the highway, but you

know what I mean.

Let me see your manual.

Just as I thought.

But...

What did I say?

[Sighing]

That's better.

You've gotta get off book.

It's all about makin' it real.

Now, are you ready?

Good, then follow me.

Excuse me, security.

Ooh, sorry to bother you.

You're new here.

[Sighing]

I just love a man in uniform.

Whoa, thanks.

[Deep voice] Uh, thank you.

Could you tell me where

Willows and Williams is?

Well, ma'am, you go down to

the next level, and it's on your

left.

Thank you so much.

Ooh!

You take care, now.

Oh, yeah.

Officer Mack Daddy's on the job.

I thought you were going to

help me learn to drive.

You can't just put an

astronaut in the space shuttle

and tell them to fly.

You have to train them first, in

a simulator.

But I'm not an astronaut.

No, you're an autonaut.

Welcome to High Speed

Manslaughter.

This will be your teacher.

Go on, slip into the seat.

Remember, the car and the road

are an extension of you.

You have to feel it.

Where's the horn?

There's no horn.

There's no AC.

It's a video game.

Ready?

Ready.

Okay, let's go with my

personal favourite, "Death Toll

Highway."

Now, ease that bad boy out of

first.

♪

GAME:Please speed up.

I didn't know you could drive

so slowly in this game.

You really suck at this.

What do you want?

That old man with the walker

just cut me off.

Just try to relax.

The game is not just about

driving, it's also about k*lling

things.

♪

I've been hit!

[Groaning]

Oh!

You should be fined for looking

so fine.

Cait, you haven't seen my

lucky jacket, have you?

Lucky jacket?

You know, the one you guys

were bugging me about this

morning.

This morning.

You mean, like, today?

I lost it.

I was sure I left it here.

Huh, guess not.

Well, if you see it, let me

know.

Sure will.

This is for your own good,

Wyatt.

No one can carry off a jacket

that bad.

Hey, what's up?

Nikki, hi.

Isn't that Wyatt's lucky

jacket?

No!

Well, it could be.

Okay, it is.

I took it.

Oh, did retro come back in?

I must have missed the memo.

No, I took it to prove to

Wyatt he doesn't need a lucky

jacket.

When he realizes he's not

dependent on it like he thinks

he is, he won't have to wear it

anymore.

[Sniffing]

Uh, is that a bad idea I

smell?

Oh, no, it'll work.

Yeah, we'll see.

Wyatt has a big audition tonight

for a gig.

If he cracks, I guess you'll be

wrong.

[Gasping]

Do you see what I see?

Ladies.

Jonesy?

I can't believe it.

Oh, believe it, baby.

Jonesy's a bacon bit.

That's a retail operations

enforcer, to you.

How about a free lemon

stinger for your hard-working

man of the law?

You can't get free stuff like

that.

Uh-huh.

Could I have your full name,

miss?

Aw, dude, what did you stop

for?

There was a crosswalk.

You're supposed to go through

them.

GAME:Mission failed, mission

failed.

Hey, look, I tied my high

score.

Dude, that was pathetic.

Hey, I got four points.

The game's high score is

, .

One-legged moms with strollers

were passing you.

I was just trying to be safe.

Safe?

Would we have gone to Mars if

all we tried to do was be safe?

It's a proven fact that the

reason drivers can't handle

unsafe situations, is because

they don't practise driving in

unsafe conditions at crazy

speeds.

Good point.

That's why they invented this

game.

To build a better unsafe driver,

and make the streets safer for

you and me.

This is your opportunity to get

in touch with your inner driver.

She's waiting to get out and

to shift into overdrive.

Embrace her!

Let's go.

[Tires squealing]

You know Toby who works over

in the children and comedy

section?

Yeah, sure.

I just fired him.

Can you cover his section until

we get someone new?

You mean run two sections?

Yeah, just take a short

lunch.

But I was going to rehearse

for my audition.

Well, I guess today's not

your lucky day then, huh?

It would have been if I'd had

my lucky jacket.

You can borrow my lucky

bull's tail.

No thanks.

Got any new leads in the case

of the missing shopping buggy?

No, I want you to see what

the word is on the street.

Jonesy, you got the job.

With Ron.

Looks like that's how it went

down.

Now if you don't mind, I'm busy

keeping the peace.

Right.

What's got you creased?

[Sighing]

My lucky jacket's gone.

You think someone might have

stolen it, son?

Trust me, no one would steal

that jacket.

I don't know.

Hound Dog, yeah, come on in,

Hound Dog.

Hound Dog here.

We have a possible - in

progress.

I copy that, Smokey.

GAME:You missed me, sucker.

[sh**ting]

[Groaning]

Awesome!

Oh, okay, jump the fence and

sh**t the android robocop!

GAME:Can I see your licence

and registration?

[sh**ting]

Oh, you rocked him!

Okay, now swerve around the

nuclear waste, and k*ll the

skateboarding spider!

Die, bug!

[sh**ting]

It's no good.

I'm going to blow the audition

tonight, I can feel it.

No, you're gonna do great.

I have no time to rehearse

now.

So then why are you sitting

here?

Because I've been looking for

my lucky jacket.

I have to find it.

Wyatt, you don't need that

gross old thing.

It makes you look like a...a

Rolling Stone.

And look, the must-have jacket

of the season is black pleather.

Don't you see?

Things are starting to go bad

and they're only going to get

worse.

I gotta bounce.

Going back to work?

Yeah, I have to order some

more Peanut Butter and Jimmy CDs

for the kids section.

See ya.

[Gasping]

Do you see what's happening?

Wyatt is making himself believe

that he's gonna fail the

audition, all because of that

stupid, ugly jacket.

Yeah, looks that way.

I have to give it back.

My whole plan is backfiring.

Gee, you think?

Hold on, I've got something

for you.

KID: Whoa!

Woohoo!

He's doing in a zone.

But Officer...

Save it for the judge, ma'am.

Keep it moving.

[Sighing]

[Screaming]

♪

[Laughing]

Yo!

Back up, dudes, she's about

to hit , .

Give the lady some room.

, !

GAME:Complete annihilation

of the Death Toll Highway

achieved.

[Cheering]

You did it, awesome!

You've got the gift, my friend.

[Whistle blowing]

Break it up in here, this is

a fire hazard.

That's right, everybody out.

[Groaning]

Whoa, that security dude

looks totally like Jonesy.

That security dude is Jonesy.

No way!

Hi, Jude.

Hi, Jen.

Tell me you aren't working

with the enemy.

Can't talk now.

I'm on duty.

Dude, do the rent-a-cops have

keys for stuff in the mall?

Uh-huh.

Even, like, say, for the keys

to the display car in the

atrium?

Uh-huh.

Could I see them for a sec?

Sure.

You're ready.

It's time for an in-car lesson.

SERENA: Can I help you?

Yeah, I'm looking for Wyatt.

He hasn't come back from his

break.

Really?

I have his jacket.

Oh, here, I'll give it to

him.

Oh, no, that's okay.

Uh, I need to go.

Nikki, it's me.

Wyatt never came back from his

break.

I need your help.

JUDE: The V-Tech .

We can't drive this.

Why not?

It's a brand-new car.

I know, that's why you should

drive it.

It's got nobody else's car karma

on it.

You start clean.

This is a really expensive

car.

Expensive, yet free.

Your chariot awaits.

I wish I could find my

jacket.

I wish I could find my jacket.

He's not at Grind Me.

NIKKI: He's not in the food

court.

You take the upper level,

I'll take the lower.

NIKKI: Okay.

What?

What?

Oh, I said, "Okay."

Oh, okay.

[Sniffing]

Oh, yeah, smell that.

It's a new car.

[Sighing]

That's good stuff.

[Sniffing]

Yeah, I guess.

Real wood trim on leather

dash.

Digital console.

And the rug!

So soft!

Jude, do you want me to leave

you alone for a while?

Sorry, we've got some driving

to do.

Now, adjust your mirrors.

Adjust the seat.

And crank up the tunage.

[Loud music playing]

No sign of him.

[Gasping]

Wyatt!

Nikki, I found him, he's over at

the fountain.

Ooh, that's a cute coat.

NIKKI:Caitlin, now's not the

time for shopping.

Oh, I know.

Wyatt, Wyatt, there you are!

Do not move, I have something

for you.

[Sighing]

[Tires squealing]

[Gasping]

[Splashing]

KID: Wow!

That was reverse.

Wyatt!

BOTH: Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay.

My lucky jacket's gone, my

Discman is toast, I'm soaking

wet, and my audition is in

minutes.

You ducked just in time.

That car just flew right over

your head.

You should be dead right now.

You are so lucky.

And you didn't even have your

jacket.

[Gasping]

Which I just found.

It's dry.

That was the coolest thing I

have ever seen.

That's it, you're fired.

Fired, what for?

There's a car in the

fountain.

So, what's that got to do

with me?

Here's the keys back, dude.

Sweet ride.

Reverse is a little jumpy,

though.

You might want to look into

that.

I'll have your security belt

back.

I'll have your hat back.

I'll have your uniform back.

Hey!

Now, soldier, now.

[Gasping]

Dude!

[Guitar playing]

♪ Lady Luck, Lady Luck

♪ I have to wonder where you

are ♪

♪ Tonight I guess I'm gonna wish

upon a star ♪

♪ Lady Luck

♪ Oh, won't you be my Lady

Luck ♪

[Cheering]

You sounded great, Wyatt.

Thanks.

See, you don't need that ugly

old jacket.

You're great all on your own.

Yeah.

Gone back to reading your

driver's manual?

Yeah, I realized there's no

insurance break for taking

lessons with Jude.

In fact, it's kinda the

opposite.

Hey, cheer up, Jonesy.

I can't believe Ron made me

take off my uniform right in

the middle of the mall.

No one even noticed.

Speak for yourself.

That was even scarier than the

car crashing into the fountain.

Come on, tell the truth.

You were into me in that

uniform.

Yes, Jonesy, I was so turned

on I could barely contain

myself.

Pass the chips.

You wish you could be so

lucky.

Look out, dudes, coming

through!

Check it out.

You know that car they were

raffling off?

You mean the one you drowned?

Yeah, well, I entered the

draw and won second prize.

A power scooter.

You're so lucky!

I love those!

I know, I never win anything.

You should see how fast--

No speeding in the mall, son.

I'll take that.

Oh, man!

♪