01x07 - The Five Finger Discount

[bunniefuu]

I am so stoked.

I know, I've been waiting

over a year for this day to

come.

This day is today, right?

Last time I checked!

Opening day, yes!

And you're sure we have

tickets?

Yup, the girls had to wait in

line for six hours but they got

them.

JUDE: Right day?

Check.

Tickets?

Check.

Oh it's on, baby!

Dragon Thunder,here we come!

And how great is that trailer?

ALL: In a world where right

is wrong and might is king, five

rebel warriors hold the key--

Schwing!

To salvation!

But you can't k*ll them all.

It's impossible.

Just try and stop me!

Who are you?

ALL:Dragon Thunder!

Hi-ya!

Whoa!

[Thudding]

Ah!

[Laughing]

[Grunting]

♪

♪ Life begins after school

♪ That's when we bend

all the rules ♪

♪ Time to hang

with all my friends ♪

♪ We like to be together

in a place where we belong ♪

♪ I'm sixteen

♪ Starting to find my way

♪ Got a new job

♪ Gonna start at

the mall today ♪

♪ Thank God I'm on my own

for the first time ♪

♪ I'm sixteen

♪ Life is sweet

♪ When you're growing up

so fast ♪

♪ You got to make the good

times last ♪

♪

♪ I'm sixteen, sixteen

♪ Got to make the good

times last ♪

[Groaning]

Ever wonder what it would be

like to be hit in the stomach by

a bowling ball?

No, why?

Ugh, because I think it would

feel a lot like this!

Hey, guys.

Chick friends, what's up?

Yo, thanks for copying me on

that mushy spill your guts love

email to that Alex dude last

night.

[Gasping]

What are you talking about?

The email you sent to him

last night asking him to the

dance.

What did you say?

He has eyes like swimming pools.

[Laughing]

But, how did you know that?

[Throat clearing]

Uh, actually I saw it too,

Caitlin.

Ditto.

[Gasping]

Did you see it?

I memorized it.

I thought it was sweet in a

mushy kind of way.

Y-you got it too?

Yeah, don't you hate it when

you accidentally send an email

to all students instead of to

Alex?

[Laughing]

Oh this is so embarrassing.

What did she say?

If he took her to the dance--

She'd be the happiest girl in

the school.

Like you guys are so good at

this.

When was the last time either of

you had a girlfriend?

Uh.

Mm.

[Scoffing]

I thought so.

Whoa, Caitlin, I'm not used

to seeing this side of you.

Yeah, well, that's what utter

humiliation can do to a person.

Come on, kids, let's not

fight.

Yeah, not when we're nine

hours and twenty-three minutes

away from the life changing

event that is Dragon Thunder!

Just look at us.

Oh, best friends banding

together to share our love of

mindless action and v*olence.

It's so pure.

Ah!

Group hug?

I'm on duty.

I can't do anything fun.

[Laughing]

Good one.

Hey, that's something I

wanted to bring up.

How come none of you respect my

work ethic?

Your work ethic?

[Laughing]

Okay, stop, you're k*lling me.

Is that what you want?

Because I can arrange that.

[Screaming]

[Gulping]

[Screaming]

Ugh, guys, my stomach is

k*lling.

I don't think I can handle a

movie tonight.

No, you don't really mean

that, do you?

She just said she did.

Sheesh, nobody listens around

here.

Ugh, excuse me, I think I

have to go somewhere and die.

But this was supposed to be

all six of us together.

You know this always happens to

me.

Why doesn't anything ever work

out anymore?

[Sobbing]

Okay, that was really weird.

I don't get girls.

One of them being moody is

pretty much the norm, but all

three?

I smell some serious issues.

I think this is one of those

TV shows where they play a joke

on you.

I bet you they're all in on it!

He's right, dude!

They're all sisters.

They stick together.

[Sighing]

Do you see any cameras here?

Dude, they can hide them

anywhere.

Okay, there is no camera in

the plant.

We probably just arrived at the

end of an argument and it will

all be cool.

Ah, the pocket cargo

cords imported from Indonesia.

I-I remember the first time I

sold a pair of these.

Let me find your size.

Of course, you know, they,

um, they still allow child

labour in some parts of

Indonesia.

This very pair could have been

made by tiny five year old

Indonesian girl hands.

Oh, but, you enjoy them.

Ah...

Wait, w-what?

Was it something I said?

Come back.

[Grunting]

[Kissing]

Oh my.

Be careful, dear.

You want to tell me how to do

my job?

Go ahead!

I dare you!

[Screaming]

We should talk to them and

make sure they're still cool for

the movie tonight.

They'd better be.

They got the tickets.

With or without them we're

seeing Dragon Thunder tonight.

Agreed.

I'll talk to Nikki.

Jonesy, you take Jen, and Jude

can talk to Caitlin.

Hey, how come I have to take

the scary one?

Uh, you both work in the food

court.

Can't argue with that logic.

I've got to book, I'm starting

at Super Terrific Happy Sushi

today.

Ugh.

After Caitlin's sushi

puke-a-thon?

How can you do it?

This is what happens when

you've already been fired from

all the cool stores in the mall.

I'm going in.

Hey!

Hai!

Ugh, sick.

You, remove, now!

[Sniffing]

[Stomach grumbling]

[Gasping]

You are afraid of the fish.

No, I'm afraid of the barf.

Then you must learn the way

of the sushi!

Okay, now I'm getting

pranked.

It is an ancient Japanese art

built upon the Samurai code.

You are my pupil, I am your

sensei.

Hey, as long as I don't have

to eat the stuff, I'm game.

First, you must join our

daily practice of, hi-ya,

karashi.

Uh, do you mean karate?

No, karashi.

It's where karate and sushi join

force to conquer ordinary North

American buffet menu.

Kuni!

Hai!

Listen, if this is some kind

of cult thing--

Karashi!

KUNI: Hai!

First move, spawning salmon.

Hai!

Hm.

HIRO: Crouching shrimp.

Hai!

[Grunting]

Probably should've stretched

first.

HIRO: Prancing tuna!

Hai!

Ack!

[Cracking]

[Screaming]

Next time, I do hiring!

NIKKI: Come back soon.

Have a khaki day.

Um, so, like, have you guys

noticed the way Nikki's acting

today?

Oh, she's so up to something.

Oh, I'm going to miss that

guy.

He really understood cargos, you

know?

Uh, yeah.

Sure, Nikki.

That sweater is so adorable

on you.

[Popping]

All right, that's it!

What kind of sick twisted game

are you playing?

I don't know.

I just, uh, I woke up this

morning and thought wouldn't it

be nice if we were all friends?

Maybe even, I don't know, had a

sleepover?

Aw, that sounds fun!

Wait a minute, stop messing with

our minds!

Hm.

WYATT: What's up?

Wyatt!

Oh, it's so good to see you.

Ooh!

So, uh, looking forward to

seeing Dragon Thunder tonight?

Sure, but first, chocolate.

Mm.

If I could marry this chocolate

bar, mm, I would.

Oh well.

Mm, want a bite?

Wyatt?

Why does everyone keep leaving

me?

HIRO: For the next hour you

must use only the chopsticks and

not your hands to accomplish all

tasks.

No problem, Sensei.

Yes?

Just making sure these things

work.

What?

Didn't mean to bother you

before.

[Drumming]

Hm.

Big finish!

[Drumming]

And the crowd goes wild!

I rule!

Ahh!

[Grunting]

[Screaming]

Who ordered a walrus?

[Grunting]

[Scratching]

Oh yeah, just a little lower.

Oh, that's the spot!

HIRO: Enough!

Hiro, my sensei man, has it

been an hour already?

[Grunting]

CAITLIN: And this is for

stupid email mailbox screw-ups!

And this is for pimples!

Hey, Caitlin.

Can't you see I'm busy?

[Gasping]

BOY: Ow.

[Gulping]

Uh, yeah.

So are you psyched to see

Dragon Thunder tonight, or what?

I don't have time to think

about that, Jude!

I'm, like, seriously behind on

my lemon squeezing and now I am

running out of lemons and you

don't even care!

[Grunting]

Before you can cut the fish

you must become the fish.

Dude, you're kind of asking a

lot for a minimum wage job.

[Grunting]

Okay.

But don't get your hopes up.

Close your eyes!

[Gasping]

Be the fish!

[Gulping]

Well this is dumb.

Okay, think fish.

Fish and chips, extra ketchup.

[Growling]

Okay, come on, focus.

Be the fish, Jonesy, be the

fish.

I did it!

I'm the fish!

[Screaming]

[Thudding]

Progress at last?

Maybe fish aren't so gross

after all.

I kind of feel sorry for them.

Ah, so it is.

So it must be.

Now, clean up that rice!

Hm, can I take a break first?

[Grunting]

See, there's this movie

tonight--

Hai!

Hai.

[Glass breaking]

You clean other mess now too.

Aw, man.

[Groaning]

Masterson, what are you doing

in the box?

> Gave myself a penalty, Coach.

What for?

Borrowing the merchandise.

What are you doing with that

hot water bottle?

It's for cramps.

Uh, female cramps.

Uh, well, uh, right.

Well, uh--

[Throat clearing]

Keep it up.

Very nice, good good.

I'm off to go over there.

Yes, sir.

[Phone ringing]

Oh, this better be good.

Hey, Jen, just wanted to make

sure you're still into seeing

Dragon Thunder.

Jonesy, I can't talk right

now.

But you always take calls at

work.

[Beeping]

What?

[Moaning]

Okay, one of you needs to

give me a tampon right now!

I don't have to do anything

right now.

I'm on a penalty.

Fine.

But don't come running to me the

next time Aunt Flo comes to

town.

No one says Aunt Flo anymore.

Maybe I do, Miss know it all.

Who are you calling a know it

all?

Guys, stop fighting!

She started it.

I don't care.

There are much worse things

going on here, like, I can't

stop eating chocolate.

But you hate chocolate.

I know.

[Gulping]

[Gasping]

Wait, you're eating chocolate

and you're grumpy.

Is it your time of the month?

[Groaning]

Mmhmm.

Mine too!

Do you realize what this means?

Our cycles have synced up.

No way!

That's the first sign of close

friendship.

We should celebrate!

Oh, so that's why you guys were

acting so weird.

Us?

You made pit bulls look

friendly.

I'm sorry, it must be my PMS.

I do get a little irritable.

At least we know what's been

bugging us.

[Buzzing]

Oh, let's go shopping.

Think we can all keep the

mood swings under control?

What mood swings?

What are you looking at?

Come back here!

I want to talk to you.

[Screaming]

[Whistling]

Well, it's official.

Nikki's gone mental.

What about Caitlin?

Please don't make me go back

there.

Guys, I did not wait a year

to see Dragon Thunder, just to

have the girls freak out on

opening day!

Let's just stay calm and

think this through.

But they've got the tickets!

They're always one step ahead

of us.

Women.

Wait, why don't we just buy

new tickets?

It's so simple, it just might

work!

Yo, Darth, the death star is

that way.

[Laughing]

There's no one in the box

office.

What?

Maybe we can wait in line

with the Jedi dude.

Actually this line is for

ticket holders only.

Besides, Dragon Thunder is

already sold out.

ALL: No!

Aw, that's a shame.

So let me get this straight.

The movie's sold out and the

girls are holding our tickets

hostage.

Things could not suck any

harder.

Okay, uh, let's not panic,

people.

Keep it together.

[Panting]

[Whimpering]

Dude, paper bag.

[Breathing]

We have to get our tickets!

Wait, I may have a plan.

Meet me at Super Terrific Happy

Sushi in five.

Cramp muscle relaxants for

me, Tranquil Thai Tea for

Caitlin.

A pound of chocolate for me.

And tampons for everyone.

Take one pill every four

hours.

Yeah, for normal cramps

maybe.

[Chewing]

[Gasping]

Okay, Caitlin, go buy.

But that cashier is so cute!

You do it, please?

No way!

I can't!

I know him.

Leon Treds jacket incident,

remember?

Well, somebody better pay

soon.

Fine, we'll settle it like

adults.

ALL: Rock, Paper, Scissors!

Darn it!

Off you go.

Oh here, ring this in.

[Sighing]

Hey!

Hi, um, I just need to buy

these.

Fancy farming?

I love nature.

Professional auto racer?

I'm getting my license this

year.

Senior health and wellness?

Uh, I...

Look young for my age.

Tampo--

Whoa, uh.

Right.

Okay, yes.

They're tampons.

I'm buying tampons!

Man, guys can be such squeamish

little babies.

I-I was just looking for the

price tag.

Oh, sorry.

Hiro-san, this is Wyatt and

Jude.

Guys, this is my sensei.

Wise elder, we need guidance.

You are having female

trouble.

He's good.

Defend yourself by instinct

alone.

[Thudding]

Ow!

Block my blows and find the

truth within the strike.

This is so cool.

Hi-ya!

[Thudding]

Not as cool, bro.

Today, you battle the dragon.

And her name is Caitlin.

HIRO: Hi-ya!

Ow.

Your prey is proud and

fierce.

To defeat the enemy you must

know her better than she know

herself.

Hi-ya!

Ow!

Dude, I didn't say anything.

Look within to find the power

source of your foe.

Hi-ya!

[Grunting]

HIRO:Look within, look

within, look within, look

within.

That's it!

Within their bags.

That's where the tickets are.

Come on, guys.

All right!

Yes.

No, that's not it!

Get back here!

Jonesy, you're fired!

Gentlemen, our enemy is

smart, strong, and quite

possibly insane.

If we want those tickets we must

be stealthy, and we must be

focused.

Flinch once and you're dead!

[Screaming]

Okay, starting now.

Flinch and you're dead!

Dude.

Time for operation ticket

thunder.

I finally know what you mean

by shopping therapy.

That mellow tea is so groovy.

How are the cramps, Jen?

Ah, so gone.

I'm hobally...tobally...fully

going to sleep well tonight.

How much further?

[Yawning]

Not long, you can do it.

This is the longest hallway

in the entire world.

Look at those cute sweaters!

BOTH: Ooh, eee!

It's time to get those

tickets.

Coms.

Check.

Sweet.

Which one of them has the

tickets?

Could be any one of them.

We'll have to check all

three.

Here we go boys.

I have the dragon in my

sights.

Oh, nice!

I've got hurricane in my

sights.

[Snoring]

Jonesy, you on Jen?

Like a dirty shirt.

Warriors of the fish, be storm

your targets!

Be storm?

Just get the bags!

Huh?

[Sighing]

Mission accomplished!

Gah, tampons!

Retreat, retreat!

[Screaming]

[Panting]

Hm?

So that's what this was all

about.

What?

I heard some girls get moody

when they get their--

[Throat clearing]

Nice purse, Jude.

[Screaming]

Hey!

Get him!

[Yawning]

Are we walking again?

[Screaming]

[Panting]

I can't believe you stole my

bag!

Chill, Miss Piggy.

I only ate one of your chocolate

bars.

Oh, that's it!

What is with you?

So immature, guys.

[Yawning]

Look, just give us the

tickets and we'll leave you

alone.

Wait, that's all you wanted?

Yeah.

Why didn't you just ask?

I gave them to Jude this

morning.

Oh yeah.

I forgot.

[Laughing]

Last one there buys the chewy

nuggets!

He had them all along?

I'm going to k*ll him!

[Screaming]

Jude!

Get back here!

Hey!

[Snoring]

[Murmuring]

That was awesome.

And they left it open for a

sequel.

Not that I'll be able to buy

a ticket since I'm unemployed

again.

Too bad all your new sword

fighting skills will go to

waste.

Hm, not necessarily.

Yo, Darth.

Would you like me to explain

the story for you?

I'll use small words so you'll

be sure to understand.

Silence!

I challenge you to a duel.

Food court, ten minutes.

My honour shall be avenged.

Well then, I accept.

♪

Jedi Knight, your butt is

mine!

You don't frighten me, sushi

boy!

[Grunting]

I know what you're thinking.

How did this novice get so good

with a sword?

[Grunting]

Has he been training in secret

or does the Force run strong in

this one?

No!

It is the way of the sushi!

Hai!

[Screaming]

[Laughing]

WYATT: Look at you.

Oh boy.

No, not again!

I'll be back!

And that, my friends, is the

way of the sushi.

You are still fired, Jonesy!

Aw!

♪