01x16 - The Khaki Girl

[bunniefuu]

Oh, sh**t!

Okay, three lemonwhirlies and a

blueberry sludge.

Coming right up.

Miss.

Miss!

Why are you looking the other

way?

I'll be right with you.

MAN: Excuse me.

Okay, uh, you wanted two

lemonades, right?

I can't believe it.

Hello.

MAN: Hey!

I said I'll be right with

you!

Ugh.

Miss!

Look, I'm blending as fast as

I can.

[Chattering]

[Screaming]

That's it!

I can't take it anymore.

Find your own juice!

Psst!

Nikki.

Are the customers gone?

Hmm?

Oh yeah, they gave up a while

ago.

Oh, finally.

I thought they'd never leave.

There must be more to life than

this.

I mean, I have so much to offer

the world.

My talent with accessories, my

best mushy girl movies of all

time DVD collection, my

encyclopaedic knowledge of all

the different shades of pink

nail polish.

Uh-huh.

You know my policy.

Whenever I hear you talk about

pink things, I leave the area

immediately.

Fine, go then.

I'll just go back to scooping

crud from a smoothie machine.

Aw, this is so not fair.

If I hear one more person call

me Miss, I'm gonna go completely

mental.

Miss?

[Caitlin grumbling]

Can I have a lemon smoothie,

please?

Hello!

♪ Life begins after school

♪ That's when we bend

all the rules ♪

♪ Time to hang

with all my friends ♪

♪ We like to be together

in a place where we belong ♪

♪ I'm sixteen

♪ Starting to find my way

♪ Got a new job

♪ Gonna start at

the mall today ♪

♪ Thank God I'm on my own

for the first time ♪

♪ I'm sixteen

♪ Life is sweet

♪ When you're growing up

so fast ♪

♪ You got to make the good

times last ♪

♪ I'm sixteen, I'm sixteen

♪ Got to make the good

times last ♪

Hi.

I'm Caitlin.

I work here.

Yeah, I guessed that.

I'm Jeff.

I know.

You go to my school and work at

the Willows & Williams on level

three on Thursdays and

Saturdays.

So?

So... about that smoothie?

You want to go for one?

I'm supposed to be on for the

next hour, but what the heck.

Actually, I meant the one I

ordered.

Oh, right.

You know, don't worry about

it.

I'm already late.

See ya.

Oh-- Oof!

Way to go.

That was really smooth.

Could this be any worse?

Ow!

Ugh, I had to ask.

Check it out.

I just scored the best gig at

the mall.

Right.

Just rub it in, why don't you?

I'm going to leave a few of

these with you.

Tell your customers!

Hey girl, wassup?

My life sucks, that's what.

I need something to inspire me.

What's that flyer for?

Just some new job Jonesy has.

Ugh, I hate it when people stick

things to my lemon.

What's he up to this week?

"Do you need to be inspired?

Swami Bindi has the answers."

Not one of those self-help

gurus.

No, listen.

It says he's helped millions

discover their inner power, and

he'll be here tomorrow.

It's just a big scam.

You can't make your life better.

I work in a giant lemon,

Wyatt.

I just embarrassed myself in

front of yet another guy.

He can't make it worse.

It's time for a little positive

change.

SWAMI ON PHONE:I cannot come

out today.

There is no way--

You can't do this to me!

I have a huge crowd waiting to

hear your stupid words of

wisdom.

What do you mean you're too

depressed to leave you hotel

room?

We're paying for that hotel

room!

Listen, you'd better haul your

swami butt down here, or I'm

going to provide you with an out

of body ex--

Swami?

Swami!

Urgh!

Dude, diggin' the funky

curtains.

Whoa, hey!

Easy, bro.

'Sup?

I scored this wicked job

booking special appearances and

my first one just bailed on me.

I'm so toast.

Bummer.

But look on the bright side.

What bright side?

I still like you.

Dude, that just doesn't help

me here, but I appreciate it.

Urgh, I can't believe Swami

Bindi punked out on me.

Only punks get punked, man.

Aren't spiritual dudes, like,

bound to not do bad things like

cancel appearances?

I dunno.

Guess nobody's perfect.

Focus, Jonesy.

Focus!

What I need is somebody who can

pretend to be a guru.

You know what they say: The

best glimpse of paradise is in

that second before you bail.

You'll think of something.

Somebody who could say stupid

stuff that sounds profound

enough to fool the crowd.

Hey, did you know that

gerbils and hamsters can't have

babies together, but they both

like lettuce?

Hmm.

Wise words, Swami Jude.

Thanks, I--

Oh-ho-ho, no way, dude.

I will owe you big time.

I'm not a swami!

They'll never believe me.

Are you kidding?

Those losers would believe

anything!

Why did I let you drag me to

this?

Ugh, I hope nobody sees me.

He's the hottest motivational

speaker in the country.

I've got to reverse my bad

karma.

Okay, I know things haven't

exactly been going your way

lately, but do you really think

this guy has answers that you

couldn't come up with on your

own?

Uh, she's too busy matching

her shoes with her skirts.

Nikki!

What?

I'm kidding... sort of.

Good clothing can open doors,

you know.

MAN: Check, , .

Shh!

I think it's about to start.

Uh, this better be worth my

five bucks.

Ladies and gentlemen, you

have all come here today seeking

wisdom, fulfillment, and

spiritual guidance.

A chance to change your sorry

lives for the better.

You will not be disappointed.

Urgh, I already am.

Shh!

Liars, cheaters, lazy people,

and general losers of all shapes

and sizes, this is your day.

Which one of those am I?

His advice has apparently

helped millions of people just

like yourselves.

It is my pleasure to welcome The

Swami!

[Crowd gasping]

[Crowd chattering]

Whoa.

ALL: Jude!

Uhm, hey dudes.

I am Swami Jude.

Swami Bindi couldn't make it

because he, uh, fell on his

chakra, so he sent me instead

'cause I'm, uh...

His apprentice!

His appendage.

[Crowd grumbling]

It's, uh, cool to be here.

Jude!

Get off that stage right now.

I, uh...

Get off the stage!

CROWD: Get off the stage!

Bye bye!

The skateboard park is in the

back, son!

But life is like a skateboard

park, and the dudes and chicks

are merely skaters.

[Crowd murmuring]

That's it, buddy.

More like that!

[WHISPERING]: I don't know

any more like that.

I didn't even know I knew that

one.

That's so profound!

NIKKI: Here we go.

JEN: Oh brother.

We're all actors.

Some of us are like Keeanu

Reeves, or Elisha Cuthbert.

Oh, yes!

That sounds like me.

And some of us are hairy,

aggressive, physically

unappealing people who will

never be more than character

actors.

Oh, yes.

It's like he knows me.

You either get the role or

you don't.

I just say it's cool, man.

I can dig it.

[Crowd cheering]

Yes!

I get it.

Did you know he was so smart?

Whoa.

Uh, okay.

I never thought I'd hear that.

All right, everybody.

Swami Jude will now take your

questions.

Don't be afraid.

Step up to the mic.

[WHISPERING]: No way, dude!

Yes way!

Just say whatever comes to your

mind.

They're lapping it up.

Uhm, how can I get a better

job?

Being positive helps, like

think of the donut, and not the

hole.

I'll apply at Gooey Cream

Donuts!

That's much cooler than Wonder

Taco.

Okay then.

How can I get chicks to dig

me?

Uhm, try laying low and being

cool like the dirt.

Dirt-y, if you will.

I see what you're saying.

So, like, I'll never take

another bath again.

Excellent, dude.

Smell ya later.

Coach Halder here.

I feel like people never see the

real me; A sensitive, caring,

bundle of love.

How can I be more open to the

MVPs in my life?

I hear ya, dude.

It's kind of like a bald man

with a hairy back.

When he's got a shirt on, you'd

think he didn't have any hair.

But then you go swimmin', and

it's like "Whoa!"

A whole new dude!

My advice: Swim, dude.

Swim like a fish.

[Crowd gasping]

Love me, world!

Love me.

[Crowd screaming]

No, I am a hairy bundle of

love!

I am!

Yo, Swami.

Uh, yeah?

Didn't I see you working at

Stick-It in the food court?

I--

Hey!

Thanks for the pick up,

Smoky.

Who's next?

Okay, so I'm totally into

this guy who doesn't even know

I'm alive.

What do I do, Swami?

Tell him you're alive.

That's what I'd do first.

Wow!

I never thought of that.

What a great idea.

That's all for now.

To purchase a transcript of

today's show or a collection of

wise sayings from Swami Jude,

see me backstage.

[Crowd cheering]

That was kind of cool, having

all those people listen to

everything I said.

Yeah!

Now let's get to work.

But I just finished working.

You heard me!

We've got to get some of your

words of wisdom down on paper

for all those suckers out there.

Now, start talkin'.

'Kay.

How 'bout always smell somethin'

before you bite it.

Beautiful!

Okay, when confronted with

change--

Uh, always bring a change

purse?

Gold, Jude.

Gold.

Don't stick your hand in a

pony's mouth.

Weird, but who cares!

Am I crazy, or did that make

absolutely no sense whatsoever?

None!

I'm kind of worried about

Caitlin.

Hi, I'm Caitlin, and I'm

alive!

How was that?

Touchdown!

[Caitlin giggling]

Don't worry.

Only a complete loser would

actually take Jude's advice.

Teach us, Swami!

We're, like, humbled to learn

at your feet.

I rest my case.

Can you believe it?

Only $ . for all this wisdom.

[Nikki gasping]

What a deal!

I'm going to get a date with

Jeff.

With that advice?

I don't think so.

Look, I've tried just being

me.

I always make a total idiot of

myself.

Maybe this will work.

Wait, Caitlin!

Ughh.

Look at this way: You do enjoy

being right.

Hmm, that's true.

It's now or never.

I'm a new man!

Look at me now, world!

I need backup.

Large, hairy-backed man on the

run.

Have a nice day.

WOMAN: Bye.

Hi!

My name is Caitlin.

I am alive!

Uh, I can see that.

CAITLIN:Carpe diem.

Grab the fish by the horns.

Okay.

So--

Let's go out on a date.

Okay, sure.

Next weekend is good.

No, tonight.

El Sporto's, : .

Okay, okay.

[Caitlin giggling]

Caitlin, how did it go?

You didn't embarrass yourself

too much in there, did you?

Are you kidding?

Thanks to Jude, I have a date

with Jeff tonight.

Wow.

Excuse me.

I have to prepare.

That's a shocker.

It's a good thing this isn't a

TV show.

Why?

'Cause if it was, everything

would go horribly wrong after

the commercial break.

Yeah, good thing.

[Sighing]

It's just a little ladder.

I can do this.

Ah!

[Groaning]

I can't do this.

You can't do what?

I'm supposed to change the

letters on the sign, but I'm

afraid of heights.

[Caitlin giggling]

It's just a little ladder.

Thanks.

A little more humiliation is

just what I needed.

Okay, I'm sorry.

But you can do it the Swami way.

The what way?

The Swami way.

See.

"Fear is totally like a

goldfish.

If you feed it, it will grow

bigger, and when it dies you

won't be able to flush it down

the toilet."

Wow, that was profound.

I think.

Wyatt, do you want your fear

to get so big it won't go down

the toilet?

No.

Are you ready to climb that

ladder?

Uh, maybe.

Wyatt, don't feed the

goldfish.

Get up that ladder now!

All right!

Yes.

Thank you, Swami Jude.

Swami who?

Caitlin!

Hello?

Swami says are you seeing the

hole?

I'm seeing the donut!

Swami says are you Keeanu, or

some ugly character actor?

Uh, Keeanu, Keeanu, Keeanu!

Urgh, why me?

Fold it like Keeanu would.

Oh, I'm so totally folding it

like Keeanu.

End it now!

Ow.

CROWD: Swami Jude!

Swami Jude!

Swami Jude!

Always eat a hotdog from one

end or the other.

The middle is not an option.

[Crowd gasping]

$ says he falls.

$ says he jumps.

You're on.

Come on, dude!

Jump!

Fall, man.

Fall!

Go away!

[Laughing]

[Shrieking]

[Panting]

[RUSSIAN ACCENT]: There are

your stinking menus.

I will be back for your order.

Was she Russian last week?

And grumpy?

So, have you thought about

what college you want to go to?

Ugh, the smaller, heavier

one.

[Laughing]

That's funny.

No, really.

Uh, well, reality is like a

boat and, you know, boats float

away, too.

[Chuckling]

Uh, yeah.

[ Crowd laughing]

WYATT: Stop!

[Wyatt shouting]

Make it stop!

Make it stop!

All right, next one who

laughs wears my shoe home in

their butt.

Okay, I'm calling the fire

department.

We've gotta get you down from

there.

No!

If Serena sees them rescue me,

she'll think I'm a total wuss.

Wyatt, I think that ship has

sailed.

Why did you go up there?

You know you're afraid of

heights.

I wasn't going to, but

Caitlin came along and motivated

me.

Caitlin?

Yeah.

She started going on about this

motivational swami, and before I

knew it I was motivated up this

ladder.

[Gasping]

Jude!

Do you know what you want to

eat?

Well, I was going to order

the burrito, but a wise man once

told me that that could be read

as me being closed off to new

ideas.

Okay then.

Vat is your stinking order?

I'll have the burrito.

Taco salad.

Oh no!

Life is like a taco salad, you

know.

How so?

Uh, I dunno.

I'll be right back.

And monkeys are just like us,

only dumber.

So be nice to 'em.

Swami!

I need your help.

Now!

I'll be right back, loyal

followers.

Hey, private sessions are

extra.

So you just hide behind that

bush and tell me what I should

say.

This is going to cost you.

Bill me.

Sorry, I had to make a phone

call.

An emergency?

Uh, well, you know what they

say about emergencies...

Emergencies are like

pantsuits.

Nobody looks good in 'em.

They're like pantsuits.

Nobody looks good in 'em.

Yeah, right.

So, what kind of music do you

like?

Uh--

I like it loud and radical,

dude.

I like it loud and radical,

dude.

Wow.

I wouldn't have expected that

from you.

[Giggling]

I guess I'm just a loud and

radical kind of girl.

JEFF: Do you like working at

The Squeeze?

Uhm...

Ow!

You're givin' me a wedgie, dude!

You're giving me a wedgie,

dude!

[Gasping]

Whoa, is that the time?

Man, what is it with girls

and ears today?

Just move it.

What are you doing?

My client is paying good money

for a private consultation.

Your client has made a mess,

and your swami's gonna clean it

up.

Ow.

Phewf.

I totally forgot.

I have so many important things

to do.

Like what?

Like... important stuff.

You know.

Please don't go.

I know I've been acting all

weird, but it's only because I

like you so much.

Oh, I should never have

listened to Jude.

You mean that guy pretending

to be a famous swami?

He's just some skater dude that

works at Stick-It.

Then you know I'm not crazy!

Kooky, maybe, for ever listening

to him, but in a cute way.

Yeah, in a cute way.

[Wyatt whimpering]

[Wyatt screaming]

What's the problem here,

folks?

You!

Get down from that ladder.

Well, that's kind of the

problem, officer.

He can't.

Can't come down.

Soldier, in w*r we ate ladders

like that for breakfast.

I remember once we were trapped

in a foxhole, and the enemy was

throwing burning ladders at us,

and all we could do was eat

them.

Our mouths were horribly b*rned.

Hmm.

So I don't wanna hear "I can't

come down" from you, you little

maggot!

Ow.

What's the big idea?

It's thank to you, Swami

Jude, that Wyatt is stuck up

this ladder!

Swami Jude cannot be held

responsible for the actions of

his disciples.

Zip it or lose it!

Use your wisdom to talk him

down.

[Gulping]

Uh, make like you're at a disco

and get down tonight.

That is the stupidest advice

I've ever heard.

[Crowd booing]

MAN: You stink, Swami Jude!

Wait, don't go!

He was only joking.

The Swami has a great sense of

humour.

Thanks, Nikki.

Bite me.

[Wyatt sighing]

All right, can you at least put

on the Jumping Snails album

until the fire department gets

here.

No way!

That Jumping Snails album is

total garbage.

[Gasping]

Have you listened to their

lyrics?

They're geniuses!

You obviously missed the album's

true message.

Oh yeah.

Let me summarize: Whaa whaa,

whaa whaa whaa.

You're nuts!

The Jumping Snails are the

cutting edge of new music.

You need to listen to it again.

Wyatt.

What?

You're off the ladder.

No way!

I'm off the ladder!

♪ I'm on the ground

♪ I'm on the ground

Whoa.

That was pretty smooth.

I'm impressed.

[Jen gasping]

Caitlin's still on her date, and

following his advice.

I'm gonna go check on her.

Not bad, Nikki.

I've got an opening for next

week.

Nikki The No Nonsense Guru.

How 'bout no?

[Giggling]

And then he mooned the entire

store.

Ha, that's funny!

It was like something out of

a movie.

[Laughing]

Now, I find riding down the

escalator to be relaxing, but

it's not for everyone.

Oh, we like relaxation.

Is it like going to the spa?

Close.

Now, follow me.

Whoo!

Whoo-hoo!

[Crashing, grunting]

So, I guess the escalator

wasn't the best choice for

beginner skaters after all.

With advice like that, it's

no wonder I got fired.

I had to give everyone their

money back because of you.

Sorry, dude.

Guess I'm not much of a pretend

swami.

It worked out okay for me.

I've got another date with Jeff

tonight.

Snap!

You're just lucky no one got

hurt following his stupid

advice.

[Whimpering]

We hate you, Swami Jude!

Yeah, you suck!

Well, almost nobody.

[Snorting]

♪