Oh, sh**t!
Okay, three lemonwhirlies and a
blueberry sludge.
Coming right up.
Miss.
Miss!
Why are you looking the other
way?
I'll be right with you.
MAN: Excuse me.
Okay, uh, you wanted two
lemonades, right?
I can't believe it.
Hello.
MAN: Hey!
I said I'll be right with
you!
Ugh.
Miss!
Look, I'm blending as fast as
I can.
[Chattering]
[Screaming]
That's it!
I can't take it anymore.
Find your own juice!
Psst!
Nikki.
Are the customers gone?
Hmm?
Oh yeah, they gave up a while
ago.
Oh, finally.
I thought they'd never leave.
There must be more to life than
this.
I mean, I have so much to offer
the world.
My talent with accessories, my
best mushy girl movies of all
time DVD collection, my
encyclopaedic knowledge of all
the different shades of pink
nail polish.
Uh-huh.
You know my policy.
Whenever I hear you talk about
pink things, I leave the area
immediately.
Fine, go then.
I'll just go back to scooping
crud from a smoothie machine.
Aw, this is so not fair.
If I hear one more person call
me Miss, I'm gonna go completely
mental.
Miss?
[Caitlin grumbling]
Can I have a lemon smoothie,
please?
Hello!
♪ Life begins after school
♪ That's when we bend
all the rules ♪
♪ Time to hang
with all my friends ♪
♪ We like to be together
in a place where we belong ♪
♪ I'm sixteen
♪ Starting to find my way
♪ Got a new job
♪ Gonna start at
the mall today ♪
♪ Thank God I'm on my own
for the first time ♪
♪ I'm sixteen
♪ Life is sweet
♪ When you're growing up
so fast ♪
♪ You got to make the good
times last ♪
♪ I'm sixteen, I'm sixteen
♪ Got to make the good
times last ♪
Hi.
I'm Caitlin.
I work here.
Yeah, I guessed that.
I'm Jeff.
I know.
You go to my school and work at
the Willows & Williams on level
three on Thursdays and
Saturdays.
So?
So... about that smoothie?
You want to go for one?
I'm supposed to be on for the
next hour, but what the heck.
Actually, I meant the one I
ordered.
Oh, right.
You know, don't worry about
it.
I'm already late.
See ya.
Oh-- Oof!
Way to go.
That was really smooth.
Could this be any worse?
Ow!
Ugh, I had to ask.
Check it out.
I just scored the best gig at
the mall.
Right.
Just rub it in, why don't you?
I'm going to leave a few of
these with you.
Tell your customers!
Hey girl, wassup?
My life sucks, that's what.
I need something to inspire me.
What's that flyer for?
Just some new job Jonesy has.
Ugh, I hate it when people stick
things to my lemon.
What's he up to this week?
"Do you need to be inspired?
Swami Bindi has the answers."
Not one of those self-help
gurus.
No, listen.
It says he's helped millions
discover their inner power, and
he'll be here tomorrow.
It's just a big scam.
You can't make your life better.
I work in a giant lemon,
Wyatt.
I just embarrassed myself in
front of yet another guy.
He can't make it worse.
It's time for a little positive
change.
SWAMI ON PHONE:I cannot come
out today.
There is no way--
You can't do this to me!
I have a huge crowd waiting to
hear your stupid words of
wisdom.
What do you mean you're too
depressed to leave you hotel
room?
We're paying for that hotel
room!
Listen, you'd better haul your
swami butt down here, or I'm
going to provide you with an out
of body ex--
Swami?
Swami!
Urgh!
Dude, diggin' the funky
curtains.
Whoa, hey!
Easy, bro.
'Sup?
I scored this wicked job
booking special appearances and
my first one just bailed on me.
I'm so toast.
Bummer.
But look on the bright side.
What bright side?
I still like you.
Dude, that just doesn't help
me here, but I appreciate it.
Urgh, I can't believe Swami
Bindi punked out on me.
Only punks get punked, man.
Aren't spiritual dudes, like,
bound to not do bad things like
cancel appearances?
I dunno.
Guess nobody's perfect.
Focus, Jonesy.
Focus!
What I need is somebody who can
pretend to be a guru.
You know what they say: The
best glimpse of paradise is in
that second before you bail.
You'll think of something.
Somebody who could say stupid
stuff that sounds profound
enough to fool the crowd.
Hey, did you know that
gerbils and hamsters can't have
babies together, but they both
like lettuce?
Hmm.
Wise words, Swami Jude.
Thanks, I--
Oh-ho-ho, no way, dude.
I will owe you big time.
I'm not a swami!
They'll never believe me.
Are you kidding?
Those losers would believe
anything!
Why did I let you drag me to
this?
Ugh, I hope nobody sees me.
He's the hottest motivational
speaker in the country.
I've got to reverse my bad
karma.
Okay, I know things haven't
exactly been going your way
lately, but do you really think
this guy has answers that you
couldn't come up with on your
own?
Uh, she's too busy matching
her shoes with her skirts.
Nikki!
What?
I'm kidding... sort of.
Good clothing can open doors,
you know.
MAN: Check, , .
Shh!
I think it's about to start.
Uh, this better be worth my
five bucks.
Ladies and gentlemen, you
have all come here today seeking
wisdom, fulfillment, and
spiritual guidance.
A chance to change your sorry
lives for the better.
You will not be disappointed.
Urgh, I already am.
Shh!
Liars, cheaters, lazy people,
and general losers of all shapes
and sizes, this is your day.
Which one of those am I?
His advice has apparently
helped millions of people just
like yourselves.
It is my pleasure to welcome The
Swami!
[Crowd gasping]
[Crowd chattering]
Whoa.
ALL: Jude!
Uhm, hey dudes.
I am Swami Jude.
Swami Bindi couldn't make it
because he, uh, fell on his
chakra, so he sent me instead
'cause I'm, uh...
His apprentice!
His appendage.
[Crowd grumbling]
It's, uh, cool to be here.
Jude!
Get off that stage right now.
I, uh...
Get off the stage!
CROWD: Get off the stage!
Bye bye!
The skateboard park is in the
back, son!
But life is like a skateboard
park, and the dudes and chicks
are merely skaters.
[Crowd murmuring]
That's it, buddy.
More like that!
[WHISPERING]: I don't know
any more like that.
I didn't even know I knew that
one.
That's so profound!
NIKKI: Here we go.
JEN: Oh brother.
We're all actors.
Some of us are like Keeanu
Reeves, or Elisha Cuthbert.
Oh, yes!
That sounds like me.
And some of us are hairy,
aggressive, physically
unappealing people who will
never be more than character
actors.
Oh, yes.
It's like he knows me.
You either get the role or
you don't.
I just say it's cool, man.
I can dig it.
[Crowd cheering]
Yes!
I get it.
Did you know he was so smart?
Whoa.
Uh, okay.
I never thought I'd hear that.
All right, everybody.
Swami Jude will now take your
questions.
Don't be afraid.
Step up to the mic.
[WHISPERING]: No way, dude!
Yes way!
Just say whatever comes to your
mind.
They're lapping it up.
Uhm, how can I get a better
job?
Being positive helps, like
think of the donut, and not the
hole.
I'll apply at Gooey Cream
Donuts!
That's much cooler than Wonder
Taco.
Okay then.
How can I get chicks to dig
me?
Uhm, try laying low and being
cool like the dirt.
Dirt-y, if you will.
I see what you're saying.
So, like, I'll never take
another bath again.
Excellent, dude.
Smell ya later.
Coach Halder here.
I feel like people never see the
real me; A sensitive, caring,
bundle of love.
How can I be more open to the
MVPs in my life?
I hear ya, dude.
It's kind of like a bald man
with a hairy back.
When he's got a shirt on, you'd
think he didn't have any hair.
But then you go swimmin', and
it's like "Whoa!"
A whole new dude!
My advice: Swim, dude.
Swim like a fish.
[Crowd gasping]
Love me, world!
Love me.
[Crowd screaming]
No, I am a hairy bundle of
love!
I am!
Yo, Swami.
Uh, yeah?
Didn't I see you working at
Stick-It in the food court?
I--
Hey!
Thanks for the pick up,
Smoky.
Who's next?
Okay, so I'm totally into
this guy who doesn't even know
I'm alive.
What do I do, Swami?
Tell him you're alive.
That's what I'd do first.
Wow!
I never thought of that.
What a great idea.
That's all for now.
To purchase a transcript of
today's show or a collection of
wise sayings from Swami Jude,
see me backstage.
[Crowd cheering]
That was kind of cool, having
all those people listen to
everything I said.
Yeah!
Now let's get to work.
But I just finished working.
You heard me!
We've got to get some of your
words of wisdom down on paper
for all those suckers out there.
Now, start talkin'.
'Kay.
How 'bout always smell somethin'
before you bite it.
Beautiful!
Okay, when confronted with
change--
Uh, always bring a change
purse?
Gold, Jude.
Gold.
Don't stick your hand in a
pony's mouth.
Weird, but who cares!
Am I crazy, or did that make
absolutely no sense whatsoever?
None!
I'm kind of worried about
Caitlin.
Hi, I'm Caitlin, and I'm
alive!
How was that?
Touchdown!
[Caitlin giggling]
Don't worry.
Only a complete loser would
actually take Jude's advice.
Teach us, Swami!
We're, like, humbled to learn
at your feet.
I rest my case.
Can you believe it?
Only $ . for all this wisdom.
[Nikki gasping]
What a deal!
I'm going to get a date with
Jeff.
With that advice?
I don't think so.
Look, I've tried just being
me.
I always make a total idiot of
myself.
Maybe this will work.
Wait, Caitlin!
Ughh.
Look at this way: You do enjoy
being right.
Hmm, that's true.
It's now or never.
I'm a new man!
Look at me now, world!
I need backup.
Large, hairy-backed man on the
run.
Have a nice day.
WOMAN: Bye.
Hi!
My name is Caitlin.
I am alive!
Uh, I can see that.
CAITLIN:Carpe diem.
Grab the fish by the horns.
Okay.
So--
Let's go out on a date.
Okay, sure.
Next weekend is good.
No, tonight.
El Sporto's, : .
Okay, okay.
[Caitlin giggling]
Caitlin, how did it go?
You didn't embarrass yourself
too much in there, did you?
Are you kidding?
Thanks to Jude, I have a date
with Jeff tonight.
Wow.
Excuse me.
I have to prepare.
That's a shocker.
It's a good thing this isn't a
TV show.
Why?
'Cause if it was, everything
would go horribly wrong after
the commercial break.
Yeah, good thing.
[Sighing]
It's just a little ladder.
I can do this.
Ah!
[Groaning]
I can't do this.
You can't do what?
I'm supposed to change the
letters on the sign, but I'm
afraid of heights.
[Caitlin giggling]
It's just a little ladder.
Thanks.
A little more humiliation is
just what I needed.
Okay, I'm sorry.
But you can do it the Swami way.
The what way?
The Swami way.
See.
"Fear is totally like a
goldfish.
If you feed it, it will grow
bigger, and when it dies you
won't be able to flush it down
the toilet."
Wow, that was profound.
I think.
Wyatt, do you want your fear
to get so big it won't go down
the toilet?
No.
Are you ready to climb that
ladder?
Uh, maybe.
Wyatt, don't feed the
goldfish.
Get up that ladder now!
All right!
Yes.
Thank you, Swami Jude.
Swami who?
Caitlin!
Hello?
Swami says are you seeing the
hole?
I'm seeing the donut!
Swami says are you Keeanu, or
some ugly character actor?
Uh, Keeanu, Keeanu, Keeanu!
Urgh, why me?
Fold it like Keeanu would.
Oh, I'm so totally folding it
like Keeanu.
End it now!
Ow.
CROWD: Swami Jude!
Swami Jude!
Swami Jude!
Always eat a hotdog from one
end or the other.
The middle is not an option.
[Crowd gasping]
$ says he falls.
$ says he jumps.
You're on.
Come on, dude!
Jump!
Fall, man.
Fall!
Go away!
[Laughing]
[Shrieking]
[Panting]
[RUSSIAN ACCENT]: There are
your stinking menus.
I will be back for your order.
Was she Russian last week?
And grumpy?
So, have you thought about
what college you want to go to?
Ugh, the smaller, heavier
one.
[Laughing]
That's funny.
No, really.
Uh, well, reality is like a
boat and, you know, boats float
away, too.
[Chuckling]
Uh, yeah.
[ Crowd laughing]
WYATT: Stop!
[Wyatt shouting]
Make it stop!
Make it stop!
All right, next one who
laughs wears my shoe home in
their butt.
Okay, I'm calling the fire
department.
We've gotta get you down from
there.
No!
If Serena sees them rescue me,
she'll think I'm a total wuss.
Wyatt, I think that ship has
sailed.
Why did you go up there?
You know you're afraid of
heights.
I wasn't going to, but
Caitlin came along and motivated
me.
Caitlin?
Yeah.
She started going on about this
motivational swami, and before I
knew it I was motivated up this
ladder.
[Gasping]
Jude!
Do you know what you want to
eat?
Well, I was going to order
the burrito, but a wise man once
told me that that could be read
as me being closed off to new
ideas.
Okay then.
Vat is your stinking order?
I'll have the burrito.
Taco salad.
Oh no!
Life is like a taco salad, you
know.
How so?
Uh, I dunno.
I'll be right back.
And monkeys are just like us,
only dumber.
So be nice to 'em.
Swami!
I need your help.
Now!
I'll be right back, loyal
followers.
Hey, private sessions are
extra.
So you just hide behind that
bush and tell me what I should
say.
This is going to cost you.
Bill me.
Sorry, I had to make a phone
call.
An emergency?
Uh, well, you know what they
say about emergencies...
Emergencies are like
pantsuits.
Nobody looks good in 'em.
They're like pantsuits.
Nobody looks good in 'em.
Yeah, right.
So, what kind of music do you
like?
Uh--
I like it loud and radical,
dude.
I like it loud and radical,
dude.
Wow.
I wouldn't have expected that
from you.
[Giggling]
I guess I'm just a loud and
radical kind of girl.
JEFF: Do you like working at
The Squeeze?
Uhm...
Ow!
You're givin' me a wedgie, dude!
You're giving me a wedgie,
dude!
[Gasping]
Whoa, is that the time?
Man, what is it with girls
and ears today?
Just move it.
What are you doing?
My client is paying good money
for a private consultation.
Your client has made a mess,
and your swami's gonna clean it
up.
Ow.
Phewf.
I totally forgot.
I have so many important things
to do.
Like what?
Like... important stuff.
You know.
Please don't go.
I know I've been acting all
weird, but it's only because I
like you so much.
Oh, I should never have
listened to Jude.
You mean that guy pretending
to be a famous swami?
He's just some skater dude that
works at Stick-It.
Then you know I'm not crazy!
Kooky, maybe, for ever listening
to him, but in a cute way.
Yeah, in a cute way.
[Wyatt whimpering]
[Wyatt screaming]
What's the problem here,
folks?
You!
Get down from that ladder.
Well, that's kind of the
problem, officer.
He can't.
Can't come down.
Soldier, in w*r we ate ladders
like that for breakfast.
I remember once we were trapped
in a foxhole, and the enemy was
throwing burning ladders at us,
and all we could do was eat
them.
Our mouths were horribly b*rned.
Hmm.
So I don't wanna hear "I can't
come down" from you, you little
maggot!
Ow.
What's the big idea?
It's thank to you, Swami
Jude, that Wyatt is stuck up
this ladder!
Swami Jude cannot be held
responsible for the actions of
his disciples.
Zip it or lose it!
Use your wisdom to talk him
down.
[Gulping]
Uh, make like you're at a disco
and get down tonight.
That is the stupidest advice
I've ever heard.
[Crowd booing]
MAN: You stink, Swami Jude!
Wait, don't go!
He was only joking.
The Swami has a great sense of
humour.
Thanks, Nikki.
Bite me.
[Wyatt sighing]
All right, can you at least put
on the Jumping Snails album
until the fire department gets
here.
No way!
That Jumping Snails album is
total garbage.
[Gasping]
Have you listened to their
lyrics?
They're geniuses!
You obviously missed the album's
true message.
Oh yeah.
Let me summarize: Whaa whaa,
whaa whaa whaa.
You're nuts!
The Jumping Snails are the
cutting edge of new music.
You need to listen to it again.
Wyatt.
What?
You're off the ladder.
No way!
I'm off the ladder!
♪ I'm on the ground
♪ I'm on the ground
Whoa.
That was pretty smooth.
I'm impressed.
[Jen gasping]
Caitlin's still on her date, and
following his advice.
I'm gonna go check on her.
Not bad, Nikki.
I've got an opening for next
week.
Nikki The No Nonsense Guru.
How 'bout no?
[Giggling]
And then he mooned the entire
store.
Ha, that's funny!
It was like something out of
a movie.
[Laughing]
Now, I find riding down the
escalator to be relaxing, but
it's not for everyone.
Oh, we like relaxation.
Is it like going to the spa?
Close.
Now, follow me.
Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
[Crashing, grunting]
So, I guess the escalator
wasn't the best choice for
beginner skaters after all.
With advice like that, it's
no wonder I got fired.
I had to give everyone their
money back because of you.
Sorry, dude.
Guess I'm not much of a pretend
swami.
It worked out okay for me.
I've got another date with Jeff
tonight.
Snap!
You're just lucky no one got
hurt following his stupid
advice.
[Whimpering]
We hate you, Swami Jude!
Yeah, you suck!
Well, almost nobody.
[Snorting]
♪
01x16 - The Khaki Girl
Watch/Buy Amazon
Revolves around the lives of six sixteen-year-old friends who work part-time jobs at different stores within the mall.
Revolves around the lives of six sixteen-year-old friends who work part-time jobs at different stores within the mall.