04x04 - The Little Judge

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Dennis the Menace". Aired: October 4, 1959 – July 7, 1963.*
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Follows the Mitchell family – Henry, Alice, and their only child, Dennis, an energetic, trouble-prone, mischievous, but well-meaning boy, who often tangles first with his peace-and-quiet-loving neighbor, George Wilson, a retired salesman, and later with George's brother John, a writer.
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04x04 - The Little Judge

Post by bunniefuu »

-Dennis!

-I'll be right there, Mom.

I'm busy campaigning.

OK, Tommy.

Is it a deal, then?

I'll vote for you for

district attorney,

if you vote for me for judge.

-I wonder if Judge

McConnell knew

what he was starting

when he decided

to let the children take

over his court for a day.

-Well, it should be a wonderful

experience for the children.

-Hey, guess what, Mom?

I just got another vote.

Tommy's gonna vote for me,

and I'm gonna vote for him.

-Nothing like watching

true democracy in action.

-Hey, do you know what that

Margaret's running for?

-What, dear?

-Public defender.

Now, wouldn't that be awful?

A dumb, old girl trying

to act like a lawyer?

-Well, as a matter

of fact, son, there

are a number of very fine

women lawyers in this country.

-Maybe so, but not Margaret.

She might even try to bring

those dopey dolls of hers

to court with her.

-Oh, that would be

terrible, wouldn't it?

-And how.

I just hope enough

kids don't vote

for her today to get her in.

-Dennis, you haven't even

started your breakfast.

Where are you off to?

-Oh, I'm gonna call

Margaret and see

if she'll vote for

me if I vote for her.

-Hmm.

This is interesting.

It says here Judge

McConnell has officially

designated this Thursday as

Children's Day in his court.

Really?

-I wonder if Dennis

will be tried?

-Children from the

fifth grade down

are voting today to

decide who will take over

the various duties of

the court for the day.

-Let's see that.

Oh, I ask you, how

ridiculous can you get?

-I think it's a rather

interesting idea.

If children today learn

more about the functions

of our court while they're

young, they-- John,

our incinerator's still smoking.

-So what?

It's old enough to smoke.

-But dear, it's after

o'clock and the smoke's

blowing over

towards Mrs. Elkins.

-Well, I hope Mrs.

Elkins doesn't take it

as a smoke signal that

we wish to be neighborly.

[phone ringing]

-Yes, Mrs. Elkins.

-Mr. Wilson, your incinerator

is spewing forth foul smoke,

and it is : in the morning.

-You don't say.

Oh, thank you for

the correct time.

-Must I remind you again

that burning is not

allowed after

o'clock in the morning?

-Mrs. Elkins, for

your information,

I started that fire

before o'clock.

If it is still burning,

that is an act of God.

-Mr. Wilson, are you

or are you not going

to do something about

that awful fire?

-Mrs. Elkins, may I

offer a suggestion?

MRS. ELKINS (ON PHONE):

You may, Mr. Wilson.

-Why don't you fly over

here on your broom,

and we'll toast

marshmallows together?

-John!

-Ugh!

-I guess she doesn't like

toasted marshmallows.

-Mr. Wilson!

Hi, Mr. Wilson.

-Yes, Dennis.

-Guess what?

I got elected judge

today for Children's Day

at Judge McConnell's court.

-You, a judge?

Oh, that's fine, Dennis.

And now go and

sentence somebody.

-And I got elected

Mr. District Attorney.

-Why, children, I

think that's wonderful.

-And I'm the public

defender, Mrs. Wilson.

-Now, isn't that enough

to make you sick?

-Now, see here, Dennis Mitchell.

You yourself voted for me.

-So what?

That was politics.

-Hey, don't forget about me.

-What are you, Seymour?

-Hungry.

-Naturally.

I meant, are you taking part

in Children's Day in the court,

too?

-Seymour's foreman of

the jury, Mrs. Wilson.

-My goodness.

-Well, how did you

manage that high honor?

-I gave kids jellybeans

to vote for me.

-It's going to be lots of

fun Thursday, Mr. Wilson.

Are you going to be there?

-Dennis, I would rather be

in the pot of a starving

cannibalism than

in that courtroom.

But I may also add that a court

of law is no place for fun.

Justice is a serious

business and you children

should take advantage of your

opportunity to learn something

about the law and

court procedure.

Now go and read your law books.

I have work to do.

-Mr. Wilson I'm gonna

think about what you said.

-That's fine, Dennis.

You do that.

-Have you ever been tried

for murdering somebody?

-Not recently.

But don't press your luck.

-Aren't they cute?

-Ye-- cute?

[doorbell rings]

-Oh, I'll answer it.

-Well, I'll get

your water for you.

-Thank you, dear.

Oh, Mooney.

What do you want?

-Good afternoon, John.

I'm here on official business.

-Oh, don't tell me

you're selling tickets

to the policeman's ball again.

-No.

According to a complaint

we received at the station

this morning from your

neighbor, Mrs. Elkins,

your incinerator was burning

after o'clock again, John.

-Mooney, I have read

the law very carefully.

And it so happens that I am

completely within my rights.

-Are you saying you're going to

continue to burn after eight?

-If I start before

eight, yes I am.

-What are you doing?

-Heh.

What do you think I'm doing?

-You wouldn't.

-Oh, now, wouldn't I?

Here you are.

It's returnable before Judge

McConnell tomorrow morning.

-Why, you old--

tomorrow morning?

What's wrong with

right now, you fathead?

-There's nothing wrong with

you right now, you fathead.

-Who's a fathead?

-We'll see who's a

fathead, you fathead!

[everyone talking at once]

-Quiet!

-What's more, he called

me a fathead, Your Honor.

-Well, you called me a fathead.

-Never mind that.

You called me a fathead while

you were on official duty.

-Well, that makes you

an official fathead.

-Gentlemen, please.

Mr. Wilson, if you

want satisfaction

for Sergeant Mooney having

called you a fathead,

I suggest you file a civil suit.

Now the law states,

"and no resident

shall use the said

incinerators for the purpose

of burning trash after : AM.

-You see?

There.

-But Your Honor, I started

my fire before o'clock.

Therefore, I used

the incinerator

before the time limit expired.

And no one can control exactly

the time the fire will go out.

-Mr. Wilson, I interpret

the law to read,

that said incinerators

shall not be

permitted to burn after : AM.

Now, I could fine

you up to $ ,

but I'm going to fine you only

$ this time, as a warning.

- ?

I refuse!

-John, you can't refuse.

-Now, see here, Mooney,

it's my $ and I--

-Sergeant Mooney, Mr. Wilson

has the right to a jury

trial if he so desires.

-Thank you, Your Honor.

Uh, could I have my trial, um,

the-- the day after tomorrow?

-This Thursday?

-Thursday?

Judge McConnell, that's,

uh, Children's Day in court.

-That is correct,

Sergeant Mooney.

And I think this would

be an excellent case

for the children,

as it encompasses

a very interesting

point of the law.

-But Your Honor, after all--

-Sergeant Mooney, I

have the utmost faith

in the children of this

community doing what is right,

once they understand the facts.

Now, Mr. Wilson,

do you hereby agree

to abide by any verdict

the children may hand down?

-I do, Your Honor.

-Very well.

This case is adjourned

until Thursday at : PM.

-The idea of taking advantage

of Children's Day in court.

-Good day, Mrs. Elkin.

And give my regards

to all the other cats.

John, you're not going

to get away with this.

-With what, Sergeant?

-You know darn well with what.

WIthout paying the $ .

After all, it's not the money.

It's the principle of the thing.

-As far as I'm

concerned, it isn't

the principle of the thing.

It's the $ .

You fathead!

-Stand straight, dear.

-Jeepers.

This law book I

borrowed from Mr. Murphy

sure has got big words.

I guess that's to confuse

the crooks, huh, Dad?

-Oh, something like that.

[doorbell ringing]

-I'll get it.

Oh, hi John.

Come on in.

-Well, thank you,

Henry, thank you.

Evening, Alice.

-Hello, Mr. Wilson.

-Well, well, well.

Is my favorite judge

all ready for Thursday?

-I think so.

But it sure is a good thing I

watch Perry Mason all the time.

-Oh.

Here are some cookies

Mrs. Wilson just baked.

-For me?

-That's right-- Judge.

-Jeepers, thanks!

-Oh, and Dennis,

would you tell, uh,

Margaret and Tommy

and Seymour that I'm

throwing a little

party at my house

after school tomorrow in

honor of you children being

elected to your court positions?

-You are?

Jeepers, I'll go phone

them up right now!

-Oh--

-Dennis!

Oh, there goes his hem.

-John, it's very nice of you

to do that for the children,

but why?

-Uh, why?

Uh, well, I just

thought the youngsters

should be rewarded for their

interest in the justice of man.

That's all.

Well, I guess I'd

better get back.

Good, uh, night, Alice,

Good night, Henry.

-Mr. Wilson.

-Good night, John.

-What do you suppose has

gotten into John Wilson?

-Search me, honey.

But I'll bet there's more to

it than the justice of man.

-Boy, this sure is a

swell party, Mr. Wilson.

-I'm glad you're

enjoying yourself

-Boy, you can say that again.

-I like the cake.

-John Wilson, I hope

you're ashamed of yourself.

-Why, Eloise, it

isn't as though I

was trying to influence

the children-- exactly.

-Well, after all, I do

consider myself innocent.

Don't you?

-Oh, yes, dear.

You and Al Capone.

-You know something, Tommy?

As the judge, I'm

not sure I should

be seen socially with

the district attorney.

-Yeah, I know what

you mean, your honor.

-As the public

defender, I'm not sure I

should be talking

to either of you.

-That's OK with me, Margaret.

-Oh, now, children,

that's nonsense.

We're friends, aren't we?

And friends like us should

socialize with one another

and stick together.

-Especially if one

friend has free cake.

[laughter]

-There you are, Seymour.

-Thank you.

-Now, uh, do you

children know what

cases you have to try tomorrow?

-Judge McConnell's spending

all tomorrow morning with us,

telling us all about the cases.

-He's going to give

us all the facts,

so I can prosecute to the

fullest extent of the law.

-So you can prosecute, Tommy.

And so I can defend.

-I say he's guilty.

-Who's guilty?

-Whoever we're gonna try.

-Now, Seymour, no one's

guilty until the jury

hears all the facts.

-That is correct, Margaret.

And even facts are

sometimes deceiving.

And remember, also, justice

must be tempered with mercy.

-Here, here.

-Oh, go soak your head.

-Yeah, go soak it.

-Don't you worry, Mr. Wilson.

After you talked to us

about justice the other day,

we got together and

decided to really

take our jobs

seriously tomorrow.

-That's the spirit, children.

[doorbell rings]

-Oh.

Excuse me.

-Why, Mrs. Elkins.

-You ought to be

ashamed of yourself,

trying to bribe innocent

little children with sweets.

-My good woman, what

are you talking about?

-You know very well

what I'm talking about.

Stuffing them with

goodies so they'll

find you not guilty tomorrow.

-Nonsense!

Now, if you don't mind,

I have a lot to do.

-Whatcha talking

about, Mr. Wilson?

-Uh, nothing nothing, Dennis.

Nothing, the poor

woman is delirious.

Good day, Mrs. Elkin.

-Not so fast, Mr. Wilson.

If you children want to

know what I'm talking about,

read this afternoon's newspaper.

-I, uh, oh, uh, children!

-Hey kids, listen to this.

-Uh, uh, Dennis-- I--

-Wilson case to come

before Children's Court.

Golly.

-Well, imagine that.

-Let me see it, Dennis.

-Yeah, me too.

-Something about a

burning incinerator.

-So you children are

going to try my case.

Isn't that a surprise?

-Listen here.

Jack McConnell stated he granted

Mr. John Wilson's request

to let the Children's

Court decide

whether he was

guilty as charged.

-Well!

-Is that why you invited us

to this party, Mr. Wilson?

-To bribe us?

-Oh, uh, children,

uh, let me explain--

-I've been bribed!

I've been bribed!

-Quiet, quiet, Seymour.

You see--

-Come on, kids.

Golly, Mr. Wilson,

I never thought

you'd try to tamper

with justice.

-Me neither.

-I'll still handle

your case, Mr. Wilson,

but only because I'm

the public defender.

-I've been bribed!

I've been bribed!

-Seymour!

Leave that here.

-It's mine, you

bribed me with it.

-Goodbye, dear.

-W-where are you going?

-Shopping.

You wouldn't want your wife

to be seen wearing last year's

hat when you get

convicted, would you?

-Third municipal court

is now in session.

Judge Willard T.

McConnell presiding.

-Ladies and gentlemen,

as you all know,

this is Children's

Day in my court.

Having been a judge

for nearly years,

it is my opinion that only

by a proper understanding

of our courts by

all its citizens

can our American

system of justice

be protected and

continue to flourish.

For this reason, I believe

the more our children know

about our courts while

they're still young,

the better equipped they

will be to serve their courts

and have their courts serve

them when they become of age

and are responsible citizens.

I thank you.

-Order in the court!

Everybody please rise.

The third municipal children's

court is now in session.

Judge Dennis Mitchell presiding.

-The first case

on today's docket

is our city versus

Mr. John Wilson.

The charge-- incinerator burning

after the permitted hour.

However, before

proceeding, I would first

like to warn the

court that I expect

a fair trial for the defendant.

Proceed, Mr. Prosecutor.

-Dennis-- I mean, Your Honor,

for the city's first witness,

I wish to call Mrs. Lucy

Elkins to the stand.

Mrs. Elkins, please.

-Do you swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth, and nothing

but the truth, so help you?

-I do.

-Now, Mrs. Elkins, on the

Tuesday morning in question,

what was Mr.

Wilson's incinerator

doing after the legal

burning hour of : AM?

-Spewing forth foul fumes.

-What did you do?

-Well, first I covered

my face with a towel.

-That sounds like

an improvement.

-Order in the court!

Order in the court!

I must warn the defendant that

one more outburst like that,

and he will be held in contempt.

-Well, I, for one, hold

him in contempt already.

-I object.

-You can't object, Seymour.

Only I can object.

-How about me, Margaret?

I can object, too.

-Order in the court.

What's your objection, Seymour?

-I don't have enough to do.

-Order in the court!

Order in the court!

-So, I wrote out the ticket

and handed it to him.

-And then why did the

defendant do, Sergeant Mooney?

-He became very angry

and called me a fathead.

-I object!

-So did I, but it

didn't do me any good.

-In other words, Mr. Wilson,

as a sincere, conscious,

law-abiding citizen, you felt

you were within your rights

to let your incinerator

burn, since you had started

the fire before o'clock, as

a sincere, law-abiding citizen.

-That is correct, yes.

-Your witness.

-Mr. Wilson, at

what time did you

start your incinerator burning?

-At precisely : AM.

-And how can you be

sure of the exact time?

-Because at exactly that time

every morning, Mrs. Elkins

opens her bathroom window

and starts to gargle.

-You mean to tell

this court you can

hear Mrs. Elkins gargle

from where you live?

-It isn't easy, but it's

such a pleasant sound,

I try not to miss it.

-Proceed, Mr. District Attorney.

-That will be all, Mr. Wilson.

-And now, if there are

no other witnesses,

-Your Honor, Your Honor, I wish

to call a surprise witness--

Mr. Henry Mitchell.

-Well, what's this

all about, Henry?

-Search me, honey.

-Do you swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth, and nothing

but the truth, so help you?

-I do.

-Mr. Mitchell, you are

the next-door neighbor

of the defendant, correct?

-Uh, I am.

-Will you please tell this

court, in your own words,

exactly what kind

of neighbor he is?

-Well, he's, uh--

-Friendly, honest,

reliable, and understanding?

-I've always found him to be--

-Courageous, quiet,

civic-minded, sensitive,

stable, and kind to children,

people, dogs, birds, and even

Mrs. Elkins' cats?

-Uh, that's correct.

-Your honor, I object.

She's putting words

in the witness' mouth.

-Mr. Mitchell, do

you wish to spit out

any of the words the defendant's

lawyer put in your mouth?

-I do not, Your Honor.

-Your witness.

-That's OK, Mr. Mitchell.

I pass.

-That'll be all, Dad--

uh, Mr. Mitchell.

All right, now it's

time for the summation.

You first, Tommy.

-Ladies and gentlemen

of the jury,

you have heard how the

defendant, though repeatedly

warned, has continued to

let his incinerator burn

after the legal burning hour.

Therefore, there's only

one possible verdict--

guilty as charged.

I thank you.

-Ladies and gentlemen of

the jury, I beg of you,

look at my client--

sick, tired, dejected.

A man who honestly interpreted

the law as he saw it.

He begs of you-- do

not find him guilty.

He asks you, tears in

his big, blue eyes,

for justice tempered with mercy.

As another great woman lawyer

once said, the quality of mercy

is not strained--

-Oh, brother.

MARGARET (OFFSCREEN):

It droppeth

as the gentle rain from

Heaven upon the earth below.

It is twice blessed--

-Your Honor, we have

reached a verdict.

-But you can't reach a verdict.

I'm still talking!

-That's probably why

they reached a verdict.

-Will the defendant rise

and please face the court.

Foreman of the jury, how

do you find the defendant--

guilty or not guilty?

-Not guilty!

[children cheering]

-Oh!

-Did you hear that, Eloise?

It isn't going to

cost me a red cent!

-Oh, congratulations, dear.

Now I can get another new hat.

-How much did that one cost?

-Only $ .

-Oh, well, I saved $ on

the fine-- I'll tell you,

we'll blow the rest of it

and get a really good one.

-Oh, thank you, dear.

-And to think I owe it all to

this wonderful little lawyer.

-No hard feelings, John.

-Course not, Sergeant, heh heh.

You fathead.

-Order in the court!

Order in the court!

Though the jury has found

the defendant not guilty,

the court strongly suggest

that if Mr. Wilson wants

to burn his junk

in the morning, he

will have to get up

earlier so the fire will

be out by o'clock.

-Whatever you say, Your Honor.

-Just a minute, please.

In lieu of court

costs and legal fees,

the court declares that

Mr. Wilson put up the money

to buy banana splits for

the whole jury and all of us

kids running the court today.

[children cheering]

-That will cost me

more than the fine.

-Yes, John.

And that's on top

of the $ you just

promised Mrs. Wilson

for a new hat.

-Uh, I object.

-You can't object, Mr. Wilson.

You're the winner.

-Objection overruled.

-Oh, great Christopher.
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