04x28 - Dennis Plays Robin Hood

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Dennis the Menace". Aired: October 4, 1959 – July 7, 1963.*
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Follows the Mitchell family – Henry, Alice, and their only child, Dennis, an energetic, trouble-prone, mischievous, but well-meaning boy, who often tangles first with his peace-and-quiet-loving neighbor, George Wilson, a retired salesman, and later with George's brother John, a writer.
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04x28 - Dennis Plays Robin Hood

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-I've always wanted

a bow and arrow.

So when I saw this in

the hobby shop window,

I kept working on Dad

until he got it for me.

-Sure is a swell bow, Dennis.

-Does that arrow go

right through people?

-No, Seymour.

This little rubber dingus here

just makes it stick on things.

-That's not much fun.

-Here Dennis, let's

sh**t it at something.

-Well, I haven't

got a target yet.

Hey, I know, I'll do like that

poem we learned in school.

I sh*t an arrow into the air.

It fell to earth,

I knew not where.

-(Angrily) Ahh.

Dennis.

-Oh, oh.

I guess I do know where.

(THEME MUSIC)

-Gee, I'm sorry Mr. Wilson.

I didn't mean to hit you.

-I know Dennis.

You never mean to

do things, any more

than an earthquake means

to knock over buildings.

-If it makes a big

bruise, can I see it?

-Oh, you're a

gruesome little boy.

-Oh, I won't hit you

again, Mr. Wilson.

-How can I be sure?

You don't have too much

control over that thing.

-Well I'll stay here with

you the rest of the day.

If I'm where I can see

you, I won't hit you.

-O-- oh, no, no.

You mustn't stay with me.

That's the worst-- Well I-- I

mean you wouldn't enjoy that.

-Well, we wouldn't

mind, would we fellows?

-No, we want to stay here.

-Oh no, no, no, no, really.

Boys shouldn't stay in one

place, especially this place.

I have an idea.

Do you know the

story of Robin Hood?

-Yeah, he lived Sherwood Forest.

And he always said stuff

like forsooth and verily.

-Yeah, and he always fought

with the Sheriff of Nottingham.

I like him.

He was a crook.

-Jeepers, no he was a hero.

-You are right, Dennis.

He stole from the rich

and gave to the poor.

-And used a bow and

arrow just like mine.

-That's what gave me the idea.

Now why don't you

boys go and play

Robin Hood and his

Merry Men today.

-Hey, that sounds keen.

-But remember, Robin Hood

did not live in the town.

He lived in the forest, far away

from people like me, far away

from.

-But there's no real

woods near here.

-Hey, there's trees in the

park across the street.

We could use that

for Sherwood Forest.

-Good thinking, my boy.

-Good morning, Mr. Wilson.

Your wife told me I'd

find you back here.

-Good morning, Mrs. Elkins.

-Hello, boys.

-Hi, Mrs. Elkins.

-Well, it's a delightful

day, isn't it?

-What do you want

from me, Mrs. Elkins?

-What do I want?

Why, can't I make

a friendly remark

about the weather to a

neighbor without being

accused of wanting something?

-Not to this neighbor.

I know you don't

like me, Mrs. Elkins.

So when you speak

in honeyed tones,

I am naturally suspicious.

-Well, I can see good

manners are wasted on you.

I'm working on my

lawn, and I would

like to borrow to

your lawn edger.

Or rent it if you prefer.

-I do not own a lawn edger.

-Ha.

Well of course you do.

I saw you taking it out of

your garage only last week.

-I-- I-- I gave it away.

-Oh, come now.

You never gave anything away.

-I repeat, I do not

have a lawn edger.

If I did, I would

be using it myself.

-I should have known better

than to ask a favor of you.

It won't happen

again, Mr. Wilson.

-The nerve of that

woman borrowing from me.

-Yeah, especially

something you haven't got.

-Oh.

Ah, yes.

Now why don't you

boys go out and play

Robin Hood and his

Merry Men in the park.

Now.

-Well, it would

seem more real if we

had hats with feathers

in them like he wore.

-Well surely your mother can

whip up some hats for you.

-Hey, that's right.

I'll be Robin Hood.

-And these lads can be

your faithful lieutenants.

This one is just

perfect for Little John.

-My name is Seymour.

-All right, Little Seymour.

-Your name's John, Mr. Wilson.

Couldn't you play with

us and be Big John?

I-- I'm sorry.

I'm very busy today.

-Gee, Dennis, me

and Seymour don't

have bows and arrows like you.

-You can make them, Tommy.

All you need is a piece

of wood and some string.

-Yeah, sure.

-So we'll go home and

get our hats and stuff,

and then we'll meet

in Sherwood Forest.

Thanks, Mr. Wilson.

Come on, Tommy.

-And stay there, all day.

-Is the cap almost done, Mom?

My Merry Men are

probably waiting for me.

-As soon as I get the

feather sewed on tight.

-Yeah.

Robin Hood wouldn't

have a loose feather.

-Is Robin Hood gonna have

time to mow the lawn?

That's what I want to know.

-Jeepers, Dad.

Robin Hood didn't cut lawns.

He was too heroic for that.

-Well, it'll only

take a half an hour.

You [inaudible]

car with that lawn.

-Jeepers.

Every time I want to

have some fun somebody

figures out some

work for me to do.

-You poor, downtrodden boy.

-Couldn't I cut

it tomorrow, Dad?

I'll cut it extra

short tomorrow.

-Well, OK.

But no excuses then.

-I promise.

And if I see a moose

in Sherwood Forest,

I'll sh**t one for your dinner.

-Well, thanks a lot.

I'm not that hungry.

I'll settle for a small elk.

-There.

That's finished.

Now let's see how it looks.

-How do I look?

-Perfect.

-Then methinks I will me

gone to the green wood.

-Why, he even

speaks the language.

-Would you like some

cookies for your Merry Men?

-Jeepers, Mom.

People didn't give Robin

Hood things, he took them.

-Take them.

-You'll have to turn your backs.

-Might as well keep

this authentic.

-Verily.

My men will feast on ye cookies.

-Isn't it wonderful to be the

parents of a prominent outlaw?

-Forsooth.

-You're gonna trip over

that thing, Seymour.

-Yeah.

The Merry Men had

longbows, but that's

the longest bow I ever saw.

Hist!

The Sheriff of

Nottingham approaches.

-What do ya mean?

That's just Sergeant Mooney.

-He's a policeman.

And that's sort of a Sheriff.

Let's foil him.

-And how do you foil people?

-Well, we'll hide behind those

bushes and jump out at him.

Come on Merry Men, duck down.

Halt Sheriff, before I push

ye arrow in ye stomach.

-Well, what's all this, Dennis?

-I'm not Dennis, I'm Robin Hood.

-Oh, I beg your

pardon, Mr. Hood.

-You can call me Robin.

-What're you holding

me up for, Robin?

-Because you're the

Sheriff of Nottingham.

And we don't want you hanging

around Sherwood Forest.

-I see.

Well, uh, can I pass

through just this once?

-This time I'll spare your life.

But watched ye next time.

-OK ye, I'll be careful.

-Boy, we foiled him

pretty good, didn't we?

-Yeah, he [inaudible] easy.

-Well, that was our

first adventure.

Now we have to laugh.

-Why?

-Because we're Merry Men.

Come on, laugh.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

--[inaudible] seems to work

very well, Mr. Duncan.

-Yeah.

I bought some of

the best ones I had.

Not bad for an edger

that's five years old.

-How much are you asking for it?

-Six bucks.

You wouldn't get a

better price from

any other secondhand

dealer in town.

-Oh, very well, I'll take it.

-Well, since Mrs. Elkins

mentioned that lawn edger,

I think I'll use it today.

-Oh, John.

You shouldn't.

What if she sees you?

-What if she does?

-Well dear, you told

her you didn't have one.

Oh, she'll think

you're terrible.

-She thinks that anyhow.

She's a stupid,

opinionated sort of person,

who dislikes other people

for no reason at all.

-Well you don't like

her very much, either.

-Like her?

I can't stand her.

-Why not?

-I don't know.

I just can't.

I'll put that lawn edger

to work just as soon

as I finished these

last couple of pages.

-All right, you do that.

I'll be leaving soon for my

appointment at the beauty

parlor.

-What'll we do next, Robin?

-How about taking some from the

rich and giving it to the poor?

-OK.

We're we gonna to

find some rich people?

-Well, there are a

lot of them in Texas.

-Well, let's go.

-Oh, Seymour.

We better find someone

closer than that.

-Yeah.

Hey, how about Mr. Wilson?

He makes a lot of money

writing for those magazines.

-OK, let's go over there.

-Oh.

-Hi, Mrs. Wilson.

-Dennis.

I was just going over

to see your mother.

-Oh, she's not home.

She's gone shopping.

-Oh, well.

When she comes back,

will you tell her

I'll be back in about two hours

and I'll come over and help her

with that dress pattern?

-OK.

-Well, what are these

outfits you're wearing?

-I'm Robin Hood.

And these are my Merry Men.

-We take from the rich

and give to the poor.

-Mr. Wilson's pretty rich.

Is there something

of his we can take?

-Well, um, there's a lot of

stuff out beside the garage.

You go help yourselves.

-Gee, thanks, Mrs. Wilson.

Come on Merry Men.

-Don't forget to

tell your mother.

-I won't.

-Gadzooks.

There's a lot of stuff

here we could take.

-Verily.

-Hey, how about this lawn edger?

Mr. Wilson doesn't

even know he has it.

-Yeah.

He told Mrs. Elkins

he didn't have one.

-OK, we'll take it.

-What poor person are we

gonna give it to, Dennis?

-To me.

I have to cut our lawn tomorrow.

-Are you a poor boy?

-I'm not only poor,

Seymour, I'm downtrodden.

My mom said so.

-That's strange.

I know I put that edger there.

Well, somebody

must've-- Of course.

Mrs. Elkins took it.

Well, she won't

get away with this.

-[phone ringing]

-(SIGHS) Always

when I'm working.

-I knew it.

-Good morning, Mrs. Elkins.

-Oh, good morning Alice.

-My that looks like hard work.

-Well, it would be much easier

if we lived in an honest town.

-What?

-Just this morning I

bought a lawn edger

and the minute my back was

turned, somebody stole it.

-Stole it?

Oh, how awful.

Did you call the police?

-Well, I phoned Sergeant Mooney.

But you know how he is.

He said he'd look

into the matter, which

means he'll file

it and forget it.

-But you'll wear

yourself out using

those shears to cut the grass.

Why don't you borrow

Mr. Wilson's lawn edger?

-Mr. Wilson doesn't own one.

-Oh yes he does.

I just saw him using it

on my way to the market.

-So that's it.

He's the wretch

that stole my edger.

-Mr. Wilson wouldn't

do a thing like that.

-There's nothing that man

wouldn't do, especially to me.

Well, I won't call

Sergeant Mooney this time.

I'm going straight

to the police station

and force him to take action.

-Oh dear.

-I'm leaving now, dear.

-Oh, more shopping?

-No, I told you it's my

beauty parlor appointment.

-Oh.

Well, happy hairdo.

-I see you found the lawn edger.

-Yes, I found it exactly

where I thought it would be.

-Good.

I'll be home in time for dinner.

-Good sh*t, Robin.

-Forsooth.

We must be keen of eye and

strong of arm o' Merry Men.

sh**t, Seymour.

-I'm tired of sh**ting.

When are we gonna

take from the rich

and give to the poor some more?

That's the part I like.

-Aw, we've been doing

that all morning.

-Yeah.

Besides Mr. Wilson's

lawn edger, we

took an ice cream bar from

your rich little brother,

chocolate cookies from

my Mom, and a whole pie

from Seymour's house.

-Yeah, but I was the one

that got the licking.

-Wait, do we know anybody

poor who needs a new lamp?

Look.

-Hey kids, do you

know Mrs. Elkins?

-Mrs. Elkins?

Sure.

She lives up that way, in

the house with the red brick.

Put that down, Seymour.

You can't sh**t the bard until

we find out what he wants.

-I was just up at her

house, but nobody was home.

Do you think one of your folks

could take this lamp for her?

Somebody's gotta to sign for it.

-Well, sure.

I'll go ask my Mom if--

Hey, there's Mrs. Wilson.

She'll take it

for you all right.

Mrs. Wilson.

Hi, Mrs. Wilson.

-Well gadzooks, 'tis Robin Hood.

Aren't you pretty far

from Sherwood Forest?

-No ma'am.

It's just right over

there in the park.

Would you mind keeping

this lamp for Mrs. Elkins?

She's not home.

-Why Robin, for

you I'd be glad to.

Just put it inside here.

-Thanks lady.

Sign here.

-I'm gonna be Robin Hood

all day, Mrs. Wilson.

So if you get in any trouble

and need some help, just holler.

-I certainly will.

-Because one thing

Robin Hood always

does, is rescue

maidens in distress.

-Well, I may be in

distress someday,

but I'm afraid I won't

make maiden again.

Thank you anyway

-Bye, Mrs. Wilson.

-Bye.

-Hello, John.

-Oh, hello Mooney, I-- Oh.

Hello, Mrs. Elkins.

-She kind of dragged

me over here.

Claims you took her lawn edger.

-What?

Oh, Mooney, this

woman has flipped.

-Oh ho, flipped am I. There's

your evidence right there.

Officer, arrest this man.

-If anyone is going to

be arrested, it's you.

That is my lawn edger.

She tried to borrow it from me.

When I refused to

lend it her, she

took it from beside my garage.

-Why, that's not true.

I bought this edger.

-And she wants me arrested.

She's-- You did what?

-I bought this edger from the

second hand man this morning,

and you stole it

from my front yard.

-Oh.

Duncan Second Hand.

You need it, we've got it.

[inaudible]

That isn't mine.

-I know it's right here

in your possession, right?

-Yes.

-Right.

I caught you red-handed

this time, John Wilson.

-Oh, look, there's been a

big mistake, Mrs. Elkins.

Believe me.

-Sergeant, arrest him.

I demand that you

arrest him right now.

-Look, will you let him explain.

He said it was a big mistake.

Let's hear his story, huh.

Go ahead John.

-Thank you, [inaudible].

Now what happened was

this, Mrs. Elkins.

You see--

-Well, I thought

it was mine, so I

brought it home and

started using it.

I'm-- I'm terribly

sorry, Mrs. Elkins.

I-- I apologize.

-Well John, that

was really a mix-up.

But I knew there's be an answer.

OK, Mrs. Elkins?

Yes, I suppose so.

Only It did look suspicious.

Ha ha.

-Well, if I ever decide

to take up stealing,

it'll be something more

valuable than that.

-Ha ha ha.

I hope so.

Oh John, you mind

if I use the phone?

I want to check in

with headquarters.

-Help yourself.

Oh, would you care for a cup of

hemlock, uh tea, before you go?

-Oh, no thank you.

But I would like use you

phone, too, if you don't mind.

I want to call the

department store

and find out what

happened to the lamp

they were supposed

to send me yesterday.

Their service is terrible.

-The telephone's in the hall.

Help yourself.

-Thank you.

-Maybe somebody stole her lamp.

Ha.

-Probably a g*ng of

international lamp thieves

h*jacked the truck.

-(Loudly) Sergeant, Sergeant

Mooney, will you come here?

There it is, my lamp.

-Huh?

It does have your name on it.

-Maybe you're friend can

talk his way out of this.

Picked it up by

mistake I suppose.

-I never saw this before and

I-- How did that get here?

-Well, I think

that's my question.

How did Mrs. Elkin's

lamp get here?

-I haven't the faintest idea.

-Oh, is he a cool one.

-Come on, John.

Put your sweater on.

I'm taking you downtown.

-Downtown.

Oh now, Mooney.

You don't honestly believe that

I'd stealing anything, do you?

-No, John, not intentionally,

but I been reading up on

kleptomaniacs.

You know what they are?

-Any dunce knows that.

-Sometimes a fellow takes

things and doesn't even

knows he doing it.

It's sort of a quirk.

-He knew what he was doing.

-Come on, John.

Don't worry about it.

We'll get it all

straightened out.

-Wha-- oh.

-And I promised Dad' I'd

treat [inaudible] for dinner.

But there aren't even

any deer in our forest.

-I know where there's a deer.

-You do?

Oh, boy.

Where?

-At the junkyard.

It's made out of iron.

-Seymour, an iron

deer's no good.

It-- Hey, there's that

old Sheriff of Nottingham.

-I wonder what's happening.

-Looks like he's making

trouble for Big John.

We better go see.

-Now don't you let him

get away, Sergeant.

You do your duty.

I'll be glad to testify.

-Let's go, John.

-I am not going down

there in the squad car

and have everybody

looking at me.

-I'll drive my own car down.

-OK, take your own car.

But be there.

[inaudible]

-What's the matter, Mr. Wilson?

Is something the matter?

-There certainly is.

This knucklehead is

arresting me for nothing.

I am absolutely innocent.

And he knows it.

-Jeepers.

And what does Robin Hood do

when his friends are in trouble?

He rescues them, right?

-Right.

-Right.

-Especially when they're

in the evil clutches

of the Sheriff of

Nottingham, like our friend

Big John is right now.

-He's innocent, too.

He said so.

-Mr. Wilson's always innocent.

He wouldn't hurt a fly.

So that's why we

gotta go down there

and rescue him from the Sheriff.

-The Sheriff outta mow him down.

-How are we gonna do it?

-Just like Robin

Hood, that's how.

We'll hold up the Sheriff

with our trusty long bows

and let Big John

escape to the forest.

-In the park?

-No, the real forest.

He can jump in his car and

go hide out in the old cabin

out by the rock quarry.

-Yeah, that's a swell hideout.

-And he stay there

until us Merry

Men prove that he's innocent.

-How we prove that?

-How do I know how

we'll prove it.

We'll just prove it, that's all.

-Yeah, Seymour.

Don't ask dumb questions.

-He'll need supplies

to hide out with.

So you go back to you're

homes and get 'em.

-He'll need food to eat.

-Yeah, and warm

clothing, blankets maybe.

And he'll need a radio

to listen to the ball

game and police calls with.

-I can get a radio.

-I'll bring some warm clothes.

-And I'll get some groceries.

And we'll meet in front of

my house in half an hour.

OK, Merry Men, let's go.

-Here's my aunt's radio, Dennis.

She keeps it out

on her back porch.

-That was out on her porch?

Jeepers, it's a wonder

somebody don't steal it.

-Yeah, she's pretty careless.

-Big John will get pretty

hungry out there in the forest.

We had a lot left over

from dinner last night.

So this outta hold him.

-Boy, that looks good.

He'll sure be happy

when he sees that.

-Dennis.

Dennis.

I got some warm clothes

for him, Dennis.

My Mom had it

hanging out to air.

She won't mind if we borrow it.

-Gadzooks, Seymour.

I think Big John

would rather have

a blanket than a lady's coat.

But the main thing is to

get him rescued right now.

We'll sneak down

alleys all the way

and put this stuff

in his car for him.

-Yeah.

-And then we'll get the drop

on the Sheriff of Nottingham

and let Big John escape

from the dungeon.

-Yeah, Ms. Wilson, that clears

it up fine about the lamp.

We had to call four

beauty shops to find you.

(SHOUTING) We had to call

four beauty shops to find you.

I'm glad we did.

-Stop shouting at

my wife, Mooney.

-She's under the dryer.

(SHOUTING) Thanks

a lot, Ms. Wilson.

Good-bye.

I'm sorry, John.

It was a bad mistake,

and well, I apologize.

-Well, you certainly should.

Dragging an innocent

citizen off to jail,

calling him a kleptomaniac.

It's an outrage.

-You see how it is, John.

A law man has only

the evidence to go on.

And it did look bad.

-Yeah, uh, well let's

forget it, Mooney.

I know you have a

tough job and I would--

-(SHOUTING) Hands

up, you varlot.

-Hands up.

-Yeah, up.

-Robin Hood and his

Merry Men are here

to rescue you, Big John, from

the Sheriff of Nottingham.

-Big John, eh?

Well relax, Robin Hood.

Your friend is free to go.

-Everything's all right boys.

No trouble.

-Aw heck.

I want to mow him down.

-Boy, I had a narrow escape.

-By George, it's wonderful

having good friends, Mooney.

They came all the way here from

Sherwood Forest to save me.

-Forsooth, Robin Hood doth

always rescue his friends.

-Well, such friendship

deserves a reward.

Robin, you and your

Merry Men must be hungry

wandering around

that forest all day.

Get yourselves some double-dip

ice cream cones, OK?

-Oh, boy.

Thanks Mr. Wilson.

Come on, Merry Men.

-Ha, ha, ha, ha.

[phone ringing]

-Just a minute, John.

-Huh?

-Police Headquarters.

Sergeant Mooney speaking.

-Gee, a whole dollar.

-Yeah.

-Hey, you think we outta take

the hideaway food and stuff

out of Mr. Wilson's car here.

-No.

We'll let him drive it home

and then take the stuff back.

Right now we've got

ice cream to buy.

-All right, ma'am.

Just relax.

I'll be right out to see you.

Yeah, it seems like we've got

a little crime in this town

after all.

-Oh?

-A woman reports a

fur coat stolen today,

and somebody took a radio

from her next door neighbor.

-Well, I know you'll

solve it, Mooney.

I'll get out [inaudible].

-I'll walk you out

to the car, John.

-OK.

-John, you were a real

sport about this mess today

and I won't forget it.

-I don't intend to let

you forget it, Mooney.

Ha,ha, ha,ha.

Say, you better get busy on

that crime wave of yours.

Now, I'm going on home.

-Oh no, John.

I gave you a pretty

rough time for it.

The least I can do is

open the door for you.

-Well, thank you.

[overlapping voices]

-There you are, John.

-Thank you.

[interposing voices]

-OK.

I'll be a son of a g*n.

-What?

What goes on here?

Where did all this

stuff come from?

What is all this?

-This is the worst case

of kleptomania I ever saw.

Come on, John.

We're going back inside.

-Oh.

-John, I'm locking you

up for your own good 'til

the city psychiatrist gets here.

You're sick. [inaudible]

carry the evidence.

-Oh, now wait a minute, Tony.

-Come on now, John.

-[interposing voices]

-I just love doing things

for good old Mr. Wilson.

-Yeah, he sure was glad

when we came to rescue him.

-Tommy, I'll bet he's the

happiest man in town right now.

And he outta be.

Because no matter

what Mr. Wilson does,

I'm always right

there to help him out.
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