07x05 - Unmortricken

[bunniefuu]

Wow, another adventure
where I went up an ass.

Oh, good, are we having
this fight again?

L-let me guess, y-you're gonna
leave or, or throw a sulking fit?

You think you know everything, Rick,

but you're basically
just a giant -year-old.

I'm not doing this anymore.

Either you're in or you're out, Morty.

I'm tired of you weaponizing
this half-assed thr*at.

You want out, then f*cking quit!

You know what? You're right.

Sorry to be such a
high-maintenance Morty.

Why don't I get you a drink?

[CRACKLING]

[BURPS]

Oh, oh, hey, Morty!

Hey, Rick. You drunk yet?

You're my little buddy.
[BURPS] You know that?

I-it's you and me, Morty.

Rick and Morty, years. Forever.

Yeah, pal. Rick and Morty, years.

Forever.

G-g-get off me.

W-w-what are you doing?

Ahhhh!

_

[BELL CHIMES]

An eye patch? You know
how we feel about pirates.

[GRUNTING]

[TYPING]

[PANTING]

_

[SCREAMING]

Oh, my God! What is happening!

[SCREAMING]

♪♪

_

[GROANS]

[BEEPS]

[ALL SHOUTING]

Do your worst you little
bastards! k*ll me! Do it!

Do it! [GRUNTS]

♪♪

_

[SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]

[CHEERING]

♪♪

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

♪♪

[CREATURE GROWLING]

It works! Now we can
visit infinite universes!

- Hooray!
- But doesn't that mean

infinite other families can do the same?

Honey, infinite families don't
invent the world's first...

- [ALL SCREAM]
- [CHUCKLES] It works!

Oh, do you realize how free
and empowered I just made us?

I did it! Best father ever!

[ALL GASP]

[CREATURE ROARS]

[SNARLING]

[LOUD THUDDING]

_

Ah!

[ROARS]

[BEEPING, WHIRRING]

And how were the horrors
of the infinite today, sir?

Ahh...

Just another day in paradise.

[RUMBLING]

[SNARLING]

_

_

m*therf*cker!

Well, not the stealthiest technique,

but if this guy doesn't
know I'm hunting him,

he's not worth hunting.

It's just good to see you
outside the subbasement.

Even if you never k*ll the version
of yourself that k*lled your wife,

giving it your best sh*t,
it looks good on you.

Thanks, buddy.
It means a lot that your bar

for mental health has
gotten lower than mine.

A good wind stays under the wings, baby!

[WHIRRING]

Merging dimensions to
consolidate my decoys, huh?

Kind of... first-thought...

- _
- ... but the... craftsmanship,

pretty impressive... for a lesser Rick.

What the f*ck are you doing? Oh, sh*t!

Evil Morty! Sho-should I grab the net?!

Yes!

Hang tight, Morty's getting the net.

Wait. Is this what I think it is?

Of course it is.
Everything's what I think it is.

You're basically fracking
the Central Finite Curve

to flush out a version of yourself?

Shouldn't you be turning
yourself into a pickle?

What do you care what I do to the Curve?

I-I thought your whole
gimmick was f*cking off.

Certainly what made me a fan.

You're right, I don't live here,

which is why it's insane
that you're still bugging me.

The shockwaves have more
range than I thought.

Jesus, you heard a compliment?

A monkey humping a shotgun has
"more range than he thought."

- Look at this scan array.
- Don't touch!

Why would I touch it when
I don't want it improved?

- Improved?
- You're hitting infinite targets.

At least filter for probability stasis.

I was gonna. Duh.

[PANTING]

I can't find the net!
Sh-should we just sh**t him?

You really think a douche that smug

doesn't keep a force field on?

Yeah, listen to Pop-Pop, Morty.

Eh. I'd be an idiot if I didn't check.

Uh-huh.

Well, I'm not gonna backpedal
every time I do it.

You-you changing something?

He's filtering for probability stasis.

Ugh, are you still here?

- And are you just teeing him up now?
- What?

See?

[ALARM RINGING]

- Is that the guy?
- Probably.

You're acting like this one's different.

He is different. But different
doesn't mean him.

- Could be a trap.
- I'll explain.

He's worried that it's
actually your target

and he'd owe me credit for the k*ll.

Are you serious right now?

- You little narcissist.
- Dude, literal glass house.

You think you're better than me?

- Jesus, I hope so!
- [CLEARS THROAT]

Can I offer my two cents?

- No!
- Morty, no!

Well, that's different.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!

[SCREAMING]

- All right! Yes!
- Aw, jeez.

Everybody look at the bright side.

Evil Morty got to experience
being wrong before he d*ed.

It's true, that's what
I get for talking to you

- instead of k*lling you.
- What is this place?

I assume a box to contain Ricks

that get too close to the big guy.

Are you basing that on what you'd
do? Since you're all the same.

I'm basing it on the ensemble
of thematic Ricks

huddled opposite your POV.

[WHISTLES]

Fresh meat.

- Pick a lane, buddy.
- Yeah,

you can't do the "Fresh Meat" line

while cowering in shadow.

You get here same way we
did? Hunting Rick Prime?

How did you arrive with two Mortys?

Attachment is death, bro.

That's what I've learned
chasing this guy.

Instead of Ricksplaining
how we all ended up

in a Roach Motel, let's pool some data.

- Who got here first?
- Me.

I knocked off three clones
for this door prize.

Oh, wow, three.

He k*lled my wife!

ALL: We know.

[GROANS]

You son of a bitch! You k*lled my wife!

[b*llet RICOCHETING]

Is it just this?

- Is this the t*rture?
- [WHIRRING]

Looks like there's enough of
you to start the next ride!

That or just one really heavy Rick.

This whole thing is automated,

which I do point out specifically
to enhance the humiliation.

Here we go!

- [ALL SCREAM]
- If you're seeing this,

you're me, except, you know, less.

But you acted like you were better,

so I k*lled your beloved Diane.

Partly to devastate you,

mostly so I only have
to record one message.

Some of you may have noticed

that it's not just your
Diane that's gone.

She's also been erased from
every universe across infinity.

And you might be wondering why.

I'd rather hear how.

Diane was wiped from all existence

by The w*apon Too Cool for a Name.

The Omega Device.

Known to inferiors as The Omega Device.

I heard the name from an inferior.

And it's my w*apon.

But it's your fault I
had to use it on her.

So if you want to see the Rick

that ruined your life, look around.

There's so many of you.

But that's why I want to make a deal.

One of you is going to
get your Diane back.

He's lying. He's lying!

All you have to do is
be the last Rick left.

[COUNTDOWN CHIMING]

[SCREAMS]

Got that out of your system?

He can't bring her back!

Ah!

[GROANS]

[GRUNTING]

Wait, wait, wait! I'm a nice Rick.

[GRUNTING]

- Eh. Pass.
- You're such a d*ck!

We could've worked together!

Actually, I'm nice enough
to not lie about this.

I was definitely gonna k*ll you guys.

Ah!

[CHIMING]

- Oh, hey, guys.
- I'm clear, Rick! Take the sh*t!

I thought you wanted to "work together."

Just until you could k*ll him!

And they call me Evil Morty.

The easiest way out of any box

is to be the least shaped like a box.

We both hate Rick Prime
more than each other anyway.

- Where'd you get that?
- He's the worst Rick.

Big deal. The worst turd is a pizza.

[GRUNTING]

Whoa!

Tough customer.

How is the worst turd a-a pizza?

Ah!

- Oh, sh*t!
- Oh, sh*t!

Seems like he doesn't
play well with others.

We all cool just k*lling this guy?

- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.

[GRUNTING]

RICK PRIME: Great job, final Rick!

Or if you were just one fat
Rick, impressive cardio!

And now the big reveal.

Do you get Diane back?

Not in any real sense, because
when I build a w*apon, it works.

It's called being talented.

But I do have a Diane that promises
to be with you until death.

But I'd get to the death part fast.

You don't want to be in here
when this place resets.

- Rick?
- Hey, Diane.

You sucked at eating p*ssy!

Clearly just said to be hurtful,

but I also won't deny it. I was young.

[SCREAMS]

God, I miss that face.

Rick, you never told me he
k*lled your wife across infinity.

Yeah, now I want to meet this guy, too.

I don't want to talk about this.

I always thought your
d*ck smelled weird!

Or that.

[SCREAMS]

[STUTTERING] Come on b-baby,
g-give my g-ghost a k-kiss.

Mwah.

You taking her to go?

Whoa!

Looks like we survived the box.

You should count chickens
professionally, Morty.

I didn't trigger that!

All right, let's bail before
this oven self-cleans.

[WHIRRING]

What do you think? Sub-ether
barrier blocking the portal fluid?

Can't be that. Mine
would get through it.

Here, gimme that.

Don't freak out. I'm gonna tweak this.

Carry the two,

- hold the three...
- You need some kind of vector.

I was getting there.

[GASPS] The goo! The goo from the trap!

[WHIRRING]

Come on, go, go, go!

Whoa, jeez! That was insane!

I-I can't believe you
were excited for that!

I'm excited for this.

Clearly no one's escaped
that place before.

Really learned your lesson
about chasing this guy.

Hey, man, you can leave now.

That's true, I can.

The w*apon, Morty.

He knows a thing that wipes
someone out across all dimensions

could wipe him out
across all dimensions.

_

- Holy sh*t.
- So that's the guy?

- You're exhausting.
- Can't help it, I'm a rascal.

Morty, you can't come!

Evil Morty, stay out of my way!

Gonna k*ll my nemesis!

Rick out!

He's a weird guy.

So Rick's right? You're
afraid of the w*apon?

What happens if Rick
actually kills this guy?

You ever think about that?

Maybe he'll k*ll himself next.

You're an assh*le.

Well, yeah. I'm not "Good" Morty.

Come or don't. I don't care.

Oh.

sh*t.

Got to be honest, I totally
thought you were coming.

No, no, I-I was.

I-I took a heroic step
toward the portal,

- but then it closed.
- Yeah, yeah, come on.

Pri-i-i-i-i-i-me!

Aw, man.

- A.I.: What's up?
- He built it again.

Pretty impressive.

Well, yeah, he's me with free time.

All right, I don't see a place to park.

Catch your breath and then
keep that heat off my back.

If you die, I'm taking your stuff.

Ugh, gross.

All right, cool, let's do it.

- God dammit!
- What?

No one can do undercuts but you?

- You brought Morty?
- I'm not worried about him.

I'm evil!

Um, R-R-Rick? I-Is this... ?

You guys don't do anything small, huh?

I'm surprised he hasn't...

- RICK PRIME: All right, here we go!
- There it is.

- Yep.
- Wow, the Wife Guy!

Dead Wife Rick!

I'll tell you, this guy does
not know when to quit.

I'm gonna f*cking k*ll you.

You brought two Mortys with you?

What? They're your cheering section?

We brought ourselves, assh*le.

Honestly, Wife Guy, I do
miss when it was just us.

The only two Ricks who actually
invented portal travel.

Anyone else teed up to
arrive later? Like your car?

A.I.: I can see why you hate him.

And she sounds like our wife!

Like in a f*cked-up robot way,

but that's definitely her voice.

You sentimental lil' fella.

Right, good instincts.
I would've tried that, too.

I upgraded this thing, by the way.

The new version can fire more than once.

So now I can erase your
whole family, one-by-one,

until you finally learn your lesson.

Which you won't,
so then I'll k*ll you too.

[RUMBLING]

I'll do that the old-fashioned way.

Okay, family killin' time!

Let's start small. Still family though.

Where am I? Two Ricks?

Where's my wife?
I was just with my wife!

Uncle Slo!

What the... Uncle Slo? Slo Mobius?

Yeah, this one hurts me, too.

[SCREAMS]

[SLOW MOTION] No-o-o-o-o-o!

[SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]

[SCREAMS]

Kind of the worst possible
time to use his powers.

Just made the death happen slower.

I'll k*ll you!

_

_

_

_

Aaah!

So, uh, original grandson.

This is super weird.

Obviously we're, uh, both
trying to k*ll each other.

Aw, jeez. Nice to meet you, I guess.

So, do we... should I just
get this over with or... ?

[GROANS]

Cool grandson.

[GROANS]

Shitty grandpa.

[GROANS] Why am I wearing an eye patch?

And wait. Did we...
did we switch shirts?

Yeah. Thanks for the assist.

Rick, we... we did it.

Evil Morty got him!

Rick? Rick!

[GROANS]

All right, you two punks stay here.

[GROANS]

Okay, I think I'm getting the pic...

Ow!

Frying my backups, smart.

So you're like an evil
Morty. A clever one.

Ow!

All right, never been a sidekick guy,

but I'm starting to see the value.

You want a job? We could
be like Batman and Robin.

Eh, I don't need a Robin.

[CRACKLING]

Okay, seriously, what is this?

What, are you gonna
"aw-jeez" me to death?

_

Oh, you don't want
those schematics, buddy.

Those are for grown ups.

Uh-huh.

Oh, isn't this great?
Okay, all right. I get it.

[GROANS, COUGHS]

Oh. What?

Oh, sh*t.

Mm-hmm. Knock yourself out.

Listen, Rick to Rick,
he's got the w*apon plans.

Buddy, nip this in the bud. He's .

What's gonna happen the next
time he gets mad at Grandpa?

[LAUGHS]

Let's do this then.

You're welcome, by the way.

- I made you. I showed you infinity.
- [GRUNTS]

And what did you do with it?

Hang out with my grandson,
raise echoes of my daughter?

- [GRUNTING]
- [LAUGHS]

What's your life without me?

Let's find out.

[GRUNTING, COUGHING]

Admit it.

You would've been me.

I just walked into your garage

before you walked into mine!

But eventually you did!

You lived in my house!

[GRUNTING]

[LAUGHING]

[GRUNTS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[GRUNTS]

What... what are you doing?

- [BEEPING]
- _

[WHIRRING]

Pretty cool visual. You're missing it.

We don't have to talk.
This didn't make us friends.

There's our guy.

Rick! Is it over? Is... is he... ?

Not exactly an "alive" amount of blood.

How's it feel?

Better? No? Exactly the same?

Yeah, it always does.

Hope you're happy with your choice.

- f*ck off.
- I'm gonna.

Just don't force me to
improve on the design.

I can end the Rick experiment
any time I want.

Why thr*aten? Why not just do it?

Because using a w*apon like this

doesn't get you left alone, Morty.

Think I want a bunch of vengeful
Summers coming after me?

You are a little different though, Rick.

Maybe I can use that someday.

Seriously though. f*ck you.

Don't come after me. It won't go well.

Are... are you okay?

Yeah.

Phew, man, when those drones
uncloaked back there,

I was like, "Oh, sh*t, this is...

We're f*cked, we're toast!

[SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]

♪ Look on down from the bridge ♪

♪ There's still fountains ♪

♪ Down there ♪

♪ Look on down from the bridge ♪

[SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]

♪ It's still raining ♪

♪ Up here ♪

[SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]

♪ Everybody seems so far away from me ♪

[SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]

♪ Everybody just wants to be free ♪

♪ Look away from the sky ♪

♪ It's no different ♪

♪ When you're leaving home ♪

♪ I can't be the same thing to you now ♪

♪ I'm just gone ♪

♪ Just gone ♪

Mama, who's that man in our picture?

Oh, honey, that's... that's...

That's your father.

You... you don't remember your father?

Oh.

Yeah.

♪♪

_

[SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]

♪♪