02x30 - Career Day

[bunniefuu]

JONESY: (on speaker) Whip it up! Whip it up! Whip it up!

(Gasping)

Today's not boring, because Jonesy's here

to get you going!

Jonesy? Ah!

(Gasping) Oh, sorry!

A big shout-out to all of--

Hmm? --Jonesy's mall-shopping,

bag-toting, bargain-hunting peeps.

(Speed-dialing) Ow!

And to any hotties out there buying lingerie--

Ow! Ouchy. Ow. Ouchy. Ow. (Dialing)

--get your lovely selves up to the security office

on level two. Ow.

Hmm.

Jonesy'll give you his professional oh-pinion.

Oh, no.

Yeow!

JONESY: That's right. It's time for a mall meltdown

with the one and only Jones-meister!

Ha-ha! (Clanking)

(Muffled) Dude! It is you!

I thought the announcer dude sounded human today.

Thanks, man.

Check it out.

I got our aptitude tests back.

Shall we round up the posse?

Allow me, dude.

Nikki, Wyatt, Jen, get your butts to the lemon.

The 'tude tests are in.

And for the rest of you out there, listen up.

(Rock music playing) Here comes the bass now.

(Cheering) Uh huh.

Let's bolt, man. I don't want to miss

any lingerie fittings while I'm--

gone?

Uh-oh.

Why are you polluting my office, scum?

I'm on mic duty now, chief.

Looks like we're neighbours. (Chuckling nervously)

Back away from the desk.

You work here!

Everything outside this line is enemy territory.

(Tape ripping) (Gulping)

Capiche?

But how am I supposed to go to the bathroom?

RON: You hold it!

(Yelping)

The mall PA system is not a toy!

It could save your miserable life!

You go tinkle, pal, in your trousers.

Yes, sir!

That dude does not share well with others.

No kidding.

The lingerie fitting must be around here somewhere.

GIRL: Yeah.

Oh, yeah! Sweet!

(Purring) (Snickering)

♪

♪ Life begins after school

♪ That's when we bend all the rules ♪

♪ Time to hang with all my friends ♪

♪ We like to be together

♪ In a place where we belong ♪

♪ I'm

♪ Starting to find my way

♪ Got a new job

♪ Going to start at the mall today ♪

♪ Thank God I'm on my own ♪

♪ For the first time

♪ I'm

♪ Life is sweet

♪ When you're growing up so fast ♪

♪ You got to make the good times last ♪

♪

♪ I'm , I'm

♪ Got to make the good times last ♪

Here. Ah!

(Gasping) Oops!

Let me squeeze you. (Whimpering)

I mean help you!

Come back!

You can have this one for free!

Ah, another satisfied male customer.

Looks like you need these.

(Thudding)

Wow. You really did

need them. Where were you?

Do you know how hard it was for me to get away from work?

Mm. Real hard, I'm guessing?

Yes! I have five customers waiting,

I'm on cash, and I'm supposed to restock the--

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You need to work less.

Your attention,

dudes and dude-ettes!

Today is a momentous occasion!

I hold in my hand the results

of our high school aptitude test!

It is my duty as the envelope dude--

Tick, tock, Jude.



Before we open these envelopes

and learn what the multiple choice gods

have chosen for us--

That does it. (Yelping)

(Jen growling)

JUDE: Bummer.

Here you go, little dudes.

Can we please have the results now?

(Inhaling)

Please, please, please, please, please.

Yes! Two careers!

Both rock!

Olympic snowboarder

or running my own snowboard gear company.

♪ Say my name, say my name

Good thing it didn't say "professional dancer."

(Both laughing)

Food critic.

This is awesome!

I get to eat anywhere I like

and get someone else to pay the bill!

Whoa!

Product spokesmodel!

Sweet!

What's a product spokesmodel?

You get to look pretty

and tell everyone about how great your deodorant is.

I'm down with that.

I enjoy looking pretty,

and I'm a daily deodorant user.

What'd you get, Nikki?

(Gasping) Retail specialist?

JEN: It's okay.

These test aren't percent accurate.

WYATT: Maybe it won't be so bad.

CAITLIN: I'm going to be a travel writer!

Uh, what? Did someone say "travel writer"?

Sorry. Nikki. That's what Caitlin's going to be.

(Giggling)

You're still going to be--

(softly, slowly) --a retail specialist.

(Whimpering, thumping)

Wow. That had to hurt.

I feel nothing.

(Thumping)

I have never written anything.

I don't even like English class that much.

(Nikki moaning)

(Giggling) Those career people

must see something in me that I don't.

NIKKI: All I see is black,

a long... black... hallway.

Oh, wait. There's a cliff.

I'm out of here. Aren't you going to read yours?

Why? So I can get depressed

about some lousy office job?

No, thanks. Later.

(Gasping, giggling)

Good call, Jonesy.

This I've got to see.

(Gasping)

(All laughing)

I'm going to go back to work. Later.

Later.

Ooh, I can't wait to start

writing my first article!

Yep. Words are power. Check these out.

"The ambience of the Big Squeeze is passable,

but the lemon smoothies are lacking in character,

considering the price point."

That lemon smoothie was free!

Oh, yeah. Uh, hey, Jude! Wait up!

MAN: This DVD of The Ranch Hand's Revenge skipped,

you say?

Yeah, but it was only when the ranch hand

was about to k*ll the bad guy. No biggie.

No biggie?

You missed the pivotal scene!

That's a complete travesty!

If I were you, I would demand free rentals for a year!

You would?

Absolutely! You got hosed!

Stand up for yourself, for Pete's sake!

What are you, a little girl?

O-okay.

I demand free rentals for a year.

Oh, sure.

Now, you're outraged.

Do you have any spine at all?

You know what? You make me sad.

You're banned from the store.

Get out. Uh, I--

Out!

I'm being banned for not complaining?

That Wayne is one moody dude... dude.

No kidding.

We've got to watch our step.

If Wayne fires us, we're out of employment options.

Hey Jude! (Giggling)

Hey! Cover for me, bro.



Done. (Giggling)

Hello?

(Whispering indistinctly)

Ahem?

Do you know who Oshataki Obligato is?

Of course you don't.

He's a legendary director.

This is my shrine to him.

I see.

WAYNE: That is a copy of his masterpiece, The th Samurai.

It's very rare. I only watch it

when things get totally twisted.

Never touch it, unless I say so, which I won't.

If I die, burn it.

(Slowly) Okay.

Be warned. I made the last fool who touched it

swim with the fishes.

(Gulp)

You... whacked him?

(Giggling)

Oh, man.

I just dunked him in the aquarium's goldfish pond.

C'mon, let's get lattes.

You look like you need one.

(Sniffing deeply)

Ah. I love the smell

of toddler puke and sawdust in the morning.

Smells like... the food court.

Board boy, you're in charge.

I won't let you down, boss.

WAYNE: See that you don't.

You two are still on double secret probation.

So, will you lend it to me?

You got to understand

that Board Warriors stays with me at all times

to protect me from wipeouts and vampires.

But I can make you a copy.

Cool! (Kissing)

(Giggling)

JUDE: Hello, tired old VHS tape.

You're going to make Star one happy little lady.

Welcome to the Khaki Barn!

We heard the news!

What news?

That you're going to be a retail specialist, too!

Uh, "too"?

That's what we all got

on our aptitude tests.

No kidding.

Okay, we totally get it now.

You've been in denial all this time,

and that's why you were such a bi-- (Gasping)

Big party pooper.

But we're totally cool with you now... sister.

I am not your sister!

(Squealing) Ugh!

(Chanting) Sisters! Sisters!

We are Khaki sisters!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

(Thumping)

WYATT: But the Stimu-latte is a way better morning brew!

It ignites the palette.

It's for sissies.

Now, the Chai Choco Charmer starts your day on a low charge

so you can arc to caffeine overload gradually.

Oh, yeah? Well, you're looking at a future food critic!

I'm getting the impression

that you want to get your butt fired.

I'll, uh, get back to work now.

Do that. I'll just hang here

and finish my superior beverage.

(Sighing)

Whatever.

What do you mean, you taped over the video in the statue?

That is Wayne's favourite movie!

He's going to go postal!

We need a plan.

Right.

BOTH: Hide.

♪

(Sighing)

MAN: (On speaker) And the gold medal

is going to Jen Masterson of Canada!

("O Canada" playing, crowd cheering)

(Flashbulbs popping)

Hmm. Excuse me, miss?

Miss? Hello?

Excuse me, sir.

Can someone help me? I'm in great need of help.

This isn't the Jen Masterson, super-focused salesperson

I've come to know and be slightly freaked by.

You know, Jonesy's got a point.

Coach Halder's been working me way too hard.

You're taking career advice from Jonesy now?

Well, it's not like I'm going

to be a retail clerk forever.

Thanks a lot. (Blowing whistle)

Masterson! Bad posture!

Ten minutes in the penalty box for slouching.

Nobody likes a sloucher.



(Sighing) I've sunk to a new low at the Barn.

The clones are trying to adopt me.

Ugh. It's gruesome.

(Phone ringing)

Hey, Wyatt. (Wyatt speaking indistinctly)

Jude did what?

(Whispering) He taped over Wayne's only copy

of The th Samurai!

What's The th Samurai?

Only Wayne's favourite movie of all time!

And arguably one of cinema's finest moments.

He's going to k*ll us!

JUDE: Or worse.

He could fire us.

Just put some other tape in its place. I'll be right over.

Uh, Jen, your penalty's not over ye--

What am I doing in here?

BOTH: Hmm.

Hmm.

Yo. Okay, calm down.

We'll think of something.

Awesome. This pacing is making me dizzy

and not a good dizzy.

There's a good dizzy?

(Laughing) Dude...

JEN: Wyatt, come with me.

There must be another copy of that movie somewhere.

The th Samurai?

Never heard of it,

which means it must suck.

(Both groaning)

What do you mean, you never heard of it?

The th Samurai is one of cinema's finest moments!

Come on.

Look! The Samurai Fan Club has a list of copies!

Ooh! There's one right here at the mall, at--

Super Terrific Happy Sushi?

COACH HALDER: Masterson!

Halftime coffee is over!

Hut! Hut! Hut!

Guess you better get back to work.

Nah. They'll survive without me.

Great. I'll tell Jude the good news.

I wonder how my old friends

Christo and Blade are doing.

So, who wants to see-- (Jonesy clearing his throat)

--my advance preview screener of Starship to Mars?

(Both laughing)

JONESY: (On speaker) Heads up, mall people.

There's an -percent-off sale

at Taj Mahome Video, starting... now.

BOTH: Huh?

JONESY: Get there while the going's hot

and leave with a trunk full of flicks.

(Rumbling, crowd screaming)

(Vibrating) What sale?

BOTH: Run!

(Rumbling, crowd screaming)

(Gasping) Let's have a meeting

of all future Khaki retail specialists!

Uh, no.

Hey, Nikki!

Do you know where the -pocket cargo pants are?

No. Do you know where my life went?

Oh, still bummed about your aptitude test?

No, no. I love the sensation

of being smothered by a large khaki pillow.

How's the writing going?

Oh, I haven't written anything yet,

but finding the right pair of cargos

will totally get me in the mood.

(Sighing) Follow me.

Oh! And I need a terry hoody.

We've got some great ones in baby bl--

(Gasping)

(Screaming)

WYATT: Good news! We found another copy of the movie!

(Gasping)

Jonesy? You there?

Security, report to the first aid tent on level two

to patch up some victims

of the Taj Mahome stampede.

Hmm.

(Laughing)

And to get you there is a sweet remix

of one of Jonesy's favourites.

Oh, yeah. (Hip hop music playing)

WYATT: You are so going to get fired.

To borrow th Samurai,

one must prove himself worthy!

You must slay... bacteria!

Um... how do we do that?

You come here on your breaks and mop out fish locker!

(Speed-dialing) Ew!

Jude, get over here, now.

Okay. Mopping fish is way beyond the call of duty

for this girl. Later.

Just in time for fish locker detail.

Huh? (Grunting)

Whoa. Love to, bro,



but I've been thinking of myself

as more of a spokesmodel dude these days.

Ah, spokesmodel!

Hai! Hey, hey!

Who's into raw fish?

(Snickering)

(Laughing)

(Blowing raspberry)

Man, being a spokes-fish sucks.

While the sushi is fresh,

the presentation lacks a certain flare.

Ah-so!

Less scribble, more sweat!

(Gasping)

(Speaking Japanese) Teenager.

Hmm.

What have you written?

(Sighing) Nothing.

I'm drawing a total blank.

(Sniffing)

What's that smell?

Hey, guys. What's up?

Wyatt's been on sushi duty.

Aw, ew! Back!

Back!

A little further.

Can I borrow some lemons to get the stink off?

Why don't you both try to do some writing?

WYATT: We can go hang out a restaurant

and hog a table all day!

Okay! But only if you de-stink yourself first!

JONESY: (On speaker) Security, witnesses

have spotted a kid peeing in the main fountain.

Security, please report to the food court

for puke spillage.

Security, there's a couple making out in the photo booth.

'Kay. I'm ready to write.

Mm... Hmm.

(Tapping) Hmm.

Mm.

(Tapping)

(Groaning)

Ah! (Sobbing)

I still can't think of anything to write about.

It'll come. How's this?

(Clearing his throat)

The soup is cafeteria quality,

and the waitress has the charm

of a linebacker with a groin injury.

CAITLIN: Uh...

Huh?

Oh, hi.

(Growling)

(Screaming)

(Crashing)

Hey! I thought of something to write!

I found the flow!

Thanks, Wyatt!

(Pained) Flow is good.

Fractures are bad.

(Groaning)

CHRISSY: Nikki?

Nik-ster?

She's definitely out of it.

You said "Nik-ster," and she didn't belt you.

Even after years,

I still love a good sweater sale, Nik-ster.

(Gasping) Let's all get matching ones again.

(All laughing, coughing)

CHRISSY: Nik-ster?

Nikki-kins?

Nik-a-rama-ding-dong?

(Gasping)

(Nikki screaming)

Nikki?

(Teeth chattering)

Are you alright?

This can't be happening.

How did I end up with retail specialist?

There must have been a glitch in your aptitude test.

(Gasping) Jude!

Here you go, little dudes.

JEN: He must have switched yours and Caitlin's results!

You should have gotten travel writer!

(Gasping) That's it! Oh oh, thank you, thank you!

Now, should I-- should I-- should I

burst Caitlin's bubble first

or k*ll Jude?

Decisions, decisions.

(Both gasping)

(Gasping)

That totally hot guy

just walked away with a lemonade, unharmed.

She didn't even check out his butt.

CAITLIN: Hey, guys!

I finally got my writing game on!

I'm doing a piece about my trip to Banff last summer.

Oh, we can't tell her about the mix up.

Who knows?

She might even be good at it.



(Whistle blowing) Ah!

You're offside, Masterson!

This is your fourth break this shift! You are--

Finding my way back to work now, sir.

Uh, right.

And then I'll tag all the jock straps for next week's sale.

Yeah! You do that!

Nice kid. Always thinking. Does this mean

our afternoon movie plans are cancelled?

My big career's still a few years away,

and I might need a reference,

I should get back to work.

JONESY: (On speaker) The Jones-meister

is still accepting applications

for the position of hot female assistant DJ.

(Sighing)

Some people should not be allowed

to play with microphones.

Come on in, ladies.

Jonesy is ready and waiting.

RON: Son--

Uh-oh. --you've cried wolf

one too many times, maggot.

You should be brought up on disorderly conduct charges.

(Gasping) Ah! You're a disgrace

to these barracks, soldier!

Whoa! Dismissed!

(Slamming)

(Whimpering)

Pass me the tape, Jude.

I want to make sure it's in mint condition

before we put it back on the shelf.

Uh...

Jude? Where's the tape?

I...

Hey, Jude! Thanks for the spare tape.

I used it to make another copy of the movie.

(Screaming)

(Both screaming)

WAYNE: What's with all the screaming, ladies?

I won't lie to you, dude.

I copied over your samurai tape... twice.

(Slowly) I see.

With what?

Board Warriors .

Ugh. That is just sad.

Does... this... mean... we're fired?

Do you really think I'd be stupid enough

to trust you two with my only copy of an Obligato?

I have a moron-proof one at home.

You know, since you're both on probation,

I should downsize your pathetic butts right now.

But... I have another punishment in mind.

(Whispering) Where's he taking us, bro?

(Whispering) He's going to make us

swim with the fishes.

Whoa. He's going to whack us?

Nope, but you'd better hope your fish suit floats.

(Gulping)

(Sniffing)

What's that fish smell?

Don't ask.

(Water dripping)

Caitlin, I need a lemon whip, fast.

Still clinging to that masochistic job of yours?

So far, but Coach Halder is all over me like a rash.

The Olympics are going to have to wait.

Well, I'm sticking to music from now on.

The food critic business is too... ow.

Ditto the spokesmodel gig.

This outfit is giving me a scaly wedgie.

How about you, Caitlin?

Any luck with the writing?

Actually, I loved my travel article so much

I decided to hand it in instead of that Shakespeare essay.

What did Mr. Holmes do?

He failed me.

But he did say

my writing style was excellent.

Way to go, girl.

Well, I got canned from my announcer job.

I'm going to miss that one.

Yup. Things are back to normal.

You have no job, and I'm late for mine.

Aren't you even a little curious

about your test results?

Okay. Since you want to spill so badly, lay it on me.

Sure... Mr. Floral Designer!

Show me that!

(Others laughing) See you later, flower man!

Get back here, Masterson!

I'll show you flower arranging!

♪